The light penetrates through the dark, its rays

surrounding and encircling me as I sleep. Gold and red leaves

fall like embers on the ground outside. I awake to a colorful
cascade of beauty around me. Its November and the chill from
outside is fogging up the window all while bringing down the
temperature of the room. Im cold as hell: It does not help that I
sleep naked. Well thats not completely true. Solomons size L
Hanes shirt hugs my body every night much like how he does
too. Or did rather. He holds me as I sleep every night especially
now that the weathers changed and its cuddle season. I love the
way he feels against me, the way his body squirms when he
presses his wood against me. We start off every night facing each
other before finally dozing off, taking that time to stare in each
others eyes as I survey his face for thoughts of betrayal.
Spooning always led to sessions that turned our dark, frigid and
cramped apartment into a sweltering palace of uninhibited
fantasies. Hes smooth with how he loves me, tender but tough.
Each thrust with his penis is as precise as a painters touch, or an
architects sketch. His care is as intoxicating as his passion.
Solomon Harris knows how to handle a woman especially
someone like me. I dont scare him: He sees past who I was
before, past my sweet face, and sees the real me. I love to be
loved, but sometimes I love being fucked. During our session he
starts off with the usual, you know pleasing me in missionary

before abruptly turning me over mid-session on my stomach

while forcing my head down and ass up. Aggressive and in
control, he knows how to treat a woman like me. But as much as
I love the sex, its his soul that I love the most.
After our latest session, I roll over and lie on his
chest, breathing deeply as I feel his heartbeat. I tell him the
things I shudder for people to know and he listens to me
patiently, his attention unwavering as I confide in him. I ramble
incessantly, apologizing profusely to my lover, but he stops me,
assuring me that he does not mind. I love him so much. My life
and my pain is permanent and persistent, despite my best efforts
to ignore it and numb myself of it. The weed and the music helps
to make it bearable but does not eradicate it. The calm he brings
is my new addiction, so much so that my soul yearns for the
moments of the day when we can sit and talk in the peace of the
darkness. Its almost as if everything before our talks is not real
and everything up until we talk is a dream.
My mouth talks to him, but inside my soul
burns. I want him to know me and love me the way autumn loves
me, the same way that the weather and its seasons love us all.
But just like autumn is a moment in life, so was our love affair.
We started out slow, talking and courting some before taking it
there. Two years with him felt like forevers I would never be
able to recall one day. Im no longer mad at him for leaving me
behind and moving on. I know now that its not his fault for how
we turned out. It is his fault for spoiling me though. I met the

man I would marry two years ago and I cant change that. He
loved me in ways I had heard possible but could not fathom.
Solomon loved me deeply and eagerly as if I were a fleeting
moment in time, one that hed never experience again. I loved
him wholly and unconditionally as strongly as the waves that
plagued the beaches shores. He is the one I dream of still, the
one whose memory is emblazoned in the recesses of my brain
after all this time.
I wake up from my sleep freezing. I stare at my
alarm clock, the time registering faintly. Its November 3, 2014
8:47 A.M. Solomon and I are no more, weve been apart for two
years now. Hes moved on now and is happily married with a
beautiful daughter Nala. Solomons wife Terrica is beautiful and
successful but shes not me. Not as trill or down as me, or as
sexy as me. Not even close. I helped Solomon become the man
he is today, a man who could put down the streets long enough to
upgrade to a suit and tie. Im not mad that he left me for her: Im
hurt that I sacrificed so many of my dreams to help him become
the man I always knew he could be.
Were still close to this day though, as a matter of fact he
extended an invite to his wedding last year, offering to put me on
the guest list but I told him no. I dont want to complicate things
any further especially if hes happy with her. Besides she knows
who I am and what he and I have been through and that right
there is more than enough for me. Petty, I smile at the thought as
I lie in bed: I hurt over and over, the pain throbbing my insides

the more I reflect on it. Every fall that has passed without him
here brings this feeling back and this year is no different. I stare
at the pictures pinned to the mirror, one of him and the other our
end. Im feeling nostalgic all over again, but Solomons love is
the source. I remember how we met in the first place. I was at the
American Deli in the West End explaining my order to the clerk
when I saw him in line behind me. Tall, bright and handsome, his
locks sat snugly on top of his scalp showing just how meticulous
he was about his personal upkeep. He smiled brightly at me
before reaching around me to grab the ketchup container for his
fries. I surveyed his plate suspiciously and saw that he too had
ordered the wings hard and wet drenched in nothing but sauce
and salt. If I wasnt smitten at first this definitely brought me
there. His wide smile and toned arms caught me, but the way he
smelled entranced me the most. I didnt know it at the time but
he had layered several colognes all at once making it almost
impossible to tell what he was wearing. I looked over at him as
he reached for his food and teased him about how he so rudely
reached around me for food and from there we struck up a
convo. We laughed some that day and exchanged numbers, but I
can honestly say I didnt expect things to go as far as they did.
He was cute true enough and I liked his swagger, but something
told me that other hoes felt the same. I knew that I wasnt the
only one and so I didnt even want to make him or myself
believe it could be more. I wish I woulda stuck to that thought
sometimes as I look back on our relationship. We dated for 2

years, 2 tumultuous years that taught me so much about myself.

Im thankful for what I learned. I only regret loving him or
anyone else as hard as I did with so much honesty and passion.
Ill never love someone as hard again and for that I apologize in
advance. Before you judge me though, let me explain. By the
time Im finished youll understand why I love Solomon still and
how hell always be a part of me for better or worse.

Chapter One: Encounter

I was born Kayla Wilmore in Atlanta on June 18, 1992 at
Grady Memorial to Ariel Freeman and Darius Wilmore. I never
really knew much about my dad except he was a great football
player back in the day. He played in the NFL at one point before
he got injured. Life for him was never the same after that and he
caught a gang of charges soon after (no pun intended) for
everything. I, of course, only know these things because of my
mom who raised me for much of my life. In fact, my only real
memories of my dad come from visits on Sundays to Wright
Street where I could see him and others on display in the
government built housing used to cage and break men. They
didnt know it then but they would never hurt him as much as he
hurt us being in there. I watched my dads life waste away in that
cell for a murder he committed against a woman he was sleeping
with on the side while he was dating my mom. Then later to see
him released and end up strung out on drugs. You would think
seeing how the fast life ruined my family would deter me from
chasing after that life, but it didnt.
I saw my mom go from guy to guy looking for love and
security only to find herself killed accompanying her man on a
drug drop off in Edgewood. I remember that day vividly; it was
around January in 2007. I was at school waiting for my mom to
pick me up only to have my godmother come and tell me the
news on the way back home. I remember the numb feeling that

enveloped me; it was unreal at first. I sat in the front seat

stunned, slightly catatonic while my godmother drove down
Boulevard - the tape surrounding the area blocked off the scene
for the most part. My godmother, Lauren, put the car in park and
we stared at the cement in silence as the paramedics hoisted and
hauled off my mother.
Id never admit it to anyone, but she was my rock. She
was the only person I knew that at my worst would still accept
me and give me her last. My mother was a RN and met her
boyfriend, Rolland, at the hospital she worked at. His game had
convinced her to do a little bit of everything. I remember this day
clear as ever, but not the funeral. Lost in a fog of smoke, I sat at
my friends house and smoked while it took place. The heat from
the blunt intensified as the blunt got smaller and smaller, but I
toked it on harder and harder, clutching it as if it could heal me
and make me whole. The hole inside of me had been created that
day and would only grow larger as time went by. Id fill it with
alcohol, weed, pills, and the occasional encounter with guys and
girls even - the lore of it all inviting me further and further into
the darkness.
I was 15 when I lost my mother. By the time I reached
11th grade, I was well on my way to losing it all. A junior at
Weller Mills High School, I had gained the reputation for being
down for whatever and whenever I felt. My drug habit had
grown from the occasional puff to now smoking at least 3 blunts
a day along with popping pain pills in the bathroom before

school began. I stayed in a daze: The power of my stupor left me

feeling light and relaxed. The eye drops and mints I took to
conceal it all had fooled the staff, but my close friends and
associates knew that I stayed gone at all times. I did not want to
process the pain I had been dealing with and so I numbed myself
of it all. The strongest drug of them all though was the ecstasy
that I felt when I was being pleased by guys in my school. Short
but stout I stood 52 inches tall on my best day, but my 32 Cs
and round bottom did more talking than I ever could. My full
lips and clear face displayed the full angelicness of my being: I
was truly irresistible. I loved the attention I got from guys who
wanted to be around and inside me, maybe a little much. I longed
to be loved; and in turn, I loved them the only way I knew how
to then back then. I sought it from anyone I met, looking around
for anyone whose energy matched mine - you know like the way
a magnet seeks out a counterpart.
The summer of 2008, the universe gave me what I
needed right when I needed it the most. I met Solomon in the
mall, but I felt like I had known him forever. I didnt know then
that I wanted him to be my husband, but I knew that he was
different. I felt a calmness around him that I had felt years back
when it was bliss with my mother. We met and soon became
inseparable so much so that Id skip summer school some days
to ride with him over to his place during the day.
I had skipped so many days during the school year that it
the only way I could stay on pace was for me to take summer

school and so it was inevitable. Id walk out the door around

12:30 and Solomon would come by and pick me up in his green
1998 Honda Accord. Then together, wed go by a local Ethiopian
spot where wed grab some plantain and ox tails to go along with
our lemonade. The sweet, but tart taste of the homemade
lemonade still lingers on my tongue. The smell and taste of it is
just as fresh on my brain as the image of the steamed cabbage,
plantain, and ox tails that sat on my plate. The workers there had
gotten to know us very well by now and so they always loaded
up our plates with a little bit more of everything. Wed sit in the
booth near the window and talk while we ate, my eyes staring
into his as I envisioned the future. His tall, slender frame enticed
me: His arms were toned and cut, his brown skin shone as the
sunlight reflected on it. His skin was unblemished, smooth and
even toned, the hairs on his arms relaxed but then stiff at my
touch. Id fallen in love with him after the second month of the
summer and here now in the winter I was comfortable. His
presence excited me, but his story captivated me.
The youngest of eight children, Solomons mother had
been the neighborhood fiend who was known to give favors for
favors. Solomon and two of his sisters had in turn been offered
up to a local dealer who had abused them for some time before
they had managed to escape. The trauma of it all and the bleak
reality of the Fourth Ward had left him with only one way to be
and so when he got of age, he moved out of his aunts house and
began working. Little Man, as he was known as a kid, had grown

since then and became one of the most known figures on that
side of town; now going by the name Little Suli. His long dreads
and pretty features enticed many women who met him, but my
loyalty and passion for him is what made me different. My ass in
those tights didnt hurt things either though! But what we had
was so much more than the physical. He was my therapist, my
comforter in the midst of turmoil. He was gentle when I needed
but also tough and unrelenting.
I had been hardened by the pain of the streets years
before I met him and so I was used to getting what I wanted from
men by being aggressive, so much so that it had ran away many
of men. I laughed at it all though; because I could never respect a
man who could never give me a reason to. Solomon, however,
was hardheaded and stubborn and would not let me have my way
even when I was right. I remember our first fight inside of the
West End Mall: We were walking out of Foot Locker during the
Fourth of July weekend holding a box of Jordan 3s when I
caught his eyes wandering around, finally landing on the eyes of
another girls ass. Enraged, I pushed him with all of my might
and began chewing him out, the theatrics of it all entertaining the
bystanders. I cussed at him and questioned him about his eye
problem, hoping to show him that I wasnt going for any of it
and expecting him to apologize. Instead, he simply walked away
from me, showing me his back as I cursed; walking away from
me with his hands up as I tried to keep invading his space. I

followed him outside of the mall and towards the car still
enraged when he finally turned and faced me.
The calm and quiet look on his face had now been
replaced with a foreign expression of anger; the fury etched
across his face as if it had been painted there. I looked into it
confused: Was this my lover? I sought out a meaning for it all
but found none. Solomon grabbed both of my arms and pinned
them to my side, the intensity of his grip causing me to wince
and panic. I fought to move but found myself helpless. He had
me where he wanted me. I had expected him to hit me but was
surprised when he instead kissed me deeply, palming my ass
tightly as he pushed me closer. The feel of his lips caused my
legs to buckle as I fought to hold myself up. My inner cavern
began to moisten as I lost all sense of reality in his kiss. I kissed
him longing for him to engulf my soul and provide relief. The
moans from me stiffened him up.
Almost right on cue he pulled back and stared at me
intensely as I fight to regain my composure. I stared at him
angrily, holding onto my anger fiercely as we lock eyes. I waited
for him to explain himself but he merely returns my gaze and
then opens the car door. Sometimes I hated him for being so
damn smooth. I sat patiently waiting for him to reach over to
open my door as usual, but instead he cranked up the car and
watched as I grabbed and turned the lock in avail. My anger
immediately turned to laughter as I fought to give him the ugliest
look possible. We ended up getting in that car and cuddling for a

few minutes before crossing through the veil. That was our first
time consummating the relationship and it was all that I thought
it would be. His hands grazed across my skin and he caressed it
softly, the tingle of his touch causing me to feel drowsy. The cold
from outside had no effect on my body and before I knew it we
were both out of our clothes lying back in the car dancing and
loving each other passionately in the parking lot of the mall. I
had never felt so lost in anyone like I did in that moment - my
mind and body completely at ease. Love with Solomon felt like
that - a perfect escape from the pressures and pains of my life. I
dont want to make it seem like we never had problems or
disagreements: What couple doesnt?
In fact, the more I began to get attached to him, the more
I felt as if the risks he was taking selling weed were unjustified.
He and his crew, YNM, had begun to up the ante, moving
pounds now over off of Edgewood Ave all while selling other
items like guns; all the things that could get him major time. I
told him how much he meant to me and how prison would hurt
me if he left; and so, he vowed to leave the streets alone. It
wasnt an overnight process: He stayed doing what he had to do
for a few months after we spoke, telling me that he needed
capital before he could leave it all alone. And so, I helped him
prepare a resume and scout jobs while he saved up.
I knew that he loved me, but after staying patient for
months I began to grow angry with him. His aunt and I
confronted him one day about it in their living room, both of us

vehemently telling him to leave the streets alone before he lost it

all. Exciting at first, the prospect of him leaving me for years,
like my father, dawned on me and sobered me up quickly. I
pleaded with him, in vain, to leave it behind. I had a part time
job at Hardees that helped me keep some money in my pocket;
and so I offered to mention him to the manager. The argument
lasted all of two minutes as he looked at us both and said,
Fuck that! No way Im missing out on this money. He
grabbed his gun, a .357 magnum, and walked out of the
apartment, tucking the weapon under his shirt. We watched him
leave feeling helpless. In that moment, I sat on the couch and
prayed that God would allow him to make it back safely; and
that he avoided the penitentiary. God answered my prayers that
day. I know he did. Roughly an hour after Solomon left his
aunts, he called my phone asking me to meet him at the
Ethiopian restaurant. The frantic tone of his voice told me that it
was serious so I dropped everything, leaving my school books at
the home and grabbed my keys to go meet him there. I walked in
the door and scanned the room looking for him. He had gotten a
booth in the back of the store near the restroom; and was sitting
there with his hands over his face. I walked over to him,
grabbing and holding his face in my hands.
He told me that his closest friend, LaDarius, had gotten
ambushed outside of an American Deli that evening by a rival
crew who had issues with both Solomon and LaDarius for
extending their business in their territory. LaDarius had been

shot seven times in the exchange that took place outside of the
restaurant and had died enroute to Grady Hospital. I sat there as
he talked, my heart feeling as if it was going to burst. The tears
began to flow uncontrollably from my eyes as I thought about
how I would feel if I turned on the news and found out that my
lover had died. I cried for a second before Solomon grabbed my
hand and wiped my eyes. He placed his hand over my lips to
soothe me, assuring me that hed never leave me. I believed him
with everything in me. We walked out of the restaurant to head
back to his mothers home. From that day forward, Solomon left
the streets alone - relocating from Edgewood to the South Fulton
area with me. He had managed to get a decent job with UPS as a
package handler that he did on nights and weekends while he
worked on getting his GED. I had since gotten more serious with
my own schooling after being told I was on the verge of being
expelled because of absences and fights. Fortunately, I managed
to raise my GPA to a modest 2.63. I wasnt the best student truth
be told, but I had common sense and personality. That had gotten
me through a lot of doors that many never saw me getting
through. My junior year had sped by swiftly but I cherished all
of the uncertainty that came with it. In one year, I had met
Solomon, gotten a job, and devoted myself back to school. It felt
good knowing that I had so many things in my life I could look
forward to.
January 2009, which was my senior year, we took a
couples trip to the cabins of North Georgia where we stayed

three nights together, eating breakfast, watching movies and

loving each other in the solitude of the mountains. Truth be told,
I was scared as hell, at times, to be so far from the city; and even
more of being around all these white folks up here, but I knew as
long as there was breath in Solomons lungs no harm would
come to me. So reluctantly, I agreed. He had been working hard
at his new job; garnering a reputation as a hard worker who was
well liked by his colleagues for his smooth and affable
mannerisms. They had no idea of just how ruthless and rough
around the edges he had been just a few months prior when he
was in the streets, mainly because of how hard I had worked to
clean him up.
Manicures, a Banana Republic credit card that his aunt
signed off on, and my typing skills had gotten him in the door
and had given him a life that he had not imagined possible. I was
so proud of who he was becoming as a man as well as how
strong we were growing as a couple.
We had become the it couple at our school so much so
that when it came time for prom, we won Prom King and Queen!
Weller Mills had never seen a couple as tough as us. I wore a teal
colored dress to prom that matched Solomons cobalt colored
suit, accompanied by a coral colored corsage that he had bought
from a local flowery. Solomon was taking classes at a local high
school, Crim, to get his G.E.D., and because he was enrolled in
high school he was able to attend our prom.

On that night, he gave me a small bracelet that had the

ankh pendant attached to it. Inscribed on the bracelet was a brief
message that read, You gave me life again and now I will live
for you. I teared up right in front of the school building as he
handed it to me, the tears staining my mascara. I knew that he
thought that I had given him his life back, but he had made me
appreciate life in a way that I had long thought was impossible. I
had been on a crash course towards destruction before I met him
and now here I was set to be the first of my siblings to graduate
high school. We walked into the prom and danced the night
away, listening to Drake and ending the night with Jeremih. We
left in the limousine and headed for Buckhead, spending a night
in the Marriott Marquis hotel, Room 312.
I woke up the next morning and stared at Solomon as he
slept, pleased at how angelic he looked as he slept. His
handsome face invited my lips and so I kissed him as he slept,
pecking his face and moaning seductively with each kiss.
Moments with him made me realize just how precious love truly
could be. We checked out that afternoon and headed back to our
lives, the misty dew from outside still on the car window as I
exited. It was April and my high school career was only weeks
away from ending. If you asked me, I was blessed more than I
could imagine; and there was nothing else I could reasonably ask
for.
Things were going great for Solomon and me. We were
in love and we were happy. That was right around the time when

fate decided to intervene and complicate things for me. Harrison

Williams, a senior at Fairview High School in Decatur, had come
into my life the year before, but during that spring hed change
everything I thought I knew about love around. I never knew it
when I first met him, but hed be the one person I could look
towards to see me in a way I had never known possible. Earnest,
eager, and passionate, he saw me at my lowest moments and
loved me through it all even when I found it hard to love my own
self.
You see, I first met Harrison in the fall of 2008. I had
met him through my home girl Vera who went to school with me
at Weller. Harrison had met Vera initially on Facebook around
September of 2008 after scrolling down his timeline and in a
short amount of time befriended her. Vera first mentioned him to
me one day after school during cheerleading practice. It was
October 2008 and basketball season was midway. She and
Harrison had been talking now for almost a month. Vera and I
had become friends through cheerleading some years back and
we had been cheerleading for the school since we both were
sophomores so senior year was no different.
Girl these niggas we go to school with is too childish. I
had to let Ryan bitch ass go. He tried to play me, but Ava sent me
the inbox messages of him trying to get at her. These niggas
really think they slick. I listened to her halfheartedly, focusing
more on stretching my hamstring which had felt tighter than
normal. I was a thick girl but flexible, and even more so lately

now that Solomon was here to stretch me out. It always surprised

him that I could make my legs go back as far as they did! I
drifted in and out of the conversation; occasionally making eye
contact with her to convince her I was listening to her. I thought
of what Solomon and I would eat for dinner, reflecting on the
chicken breasts I had marinating at his aunts place as well as
what I would do for Solomons birthday next year. Minutes
passed by when fate finally presented me with the opening.
But I found this new guy on Facebook. Hes Lisas
brother; and he goes to school on the east side of Decatur. His
name is Harrison. Girl hes cute! I laughed out loud at the
thought: Lisa Williams, the class valedictorian was the lamest
girl in school, the type of girl who would wear the same hairstyle
and clothes over and over again without any real attention given
to detail. I had no idea that she had a brother at another school:
Was he anything like her? Why didnt go to school with her as
well? I pondered the thoughts as I listened to Vera talk. This
nigga had to be just like Lisa. He could be cute, but if he was
related to her he had to at least think like her.
Vera looked at me laughing and countered quickly,
Girl!!! I know I thought the same. But I started talking to him
on the phone and he is actually very nice and charming. Like
hes a really good guy. Theres an edge to him even though I can
tell hes kinda innocent too. I aint say that Im gon let him in,
but I at least want to meet him in person. I told him to come to
my birthday party this weekend. I want you to meet him too. You

can tell me if you think hes solid. I need someone to talk to;
someone different from these other lames we go to school with.
I listened to Veras proposal and agreed. I had already planned to
go to the party anyway. She was after all one of my good friends;
and I needed a release as the year was winding down. I was the
friend out of the crew known for being brutal honesty especially
towards niggas who tried to talk to Vera.
Vera Jamison was a fun girl who was smart, but her
booty was dumb! Round, symmetrical, and plump, it had all the
schoolboys and local dudes wanting to holler at her, so I had to
be the one to shoo them all away. I had a feeling about Ryan and
told her but she chose to stick with him in spite of it all. I cant
lie I was happy to hear that she had dropped this pretending ass
nigga but I still thought it was too soon to hop back in the game
looking for someone else. I knew that she would need my help
so I agreed. The ten minute break we had ended right after the
convo and we went back to practicing. The basketball game on
Friday was coming soon and we had to be ready for the
homecoming game. I smiled at the thought of what lie ahead.
The game against Fairview High took place that Friday,
coincidentally against the school Harrison attended. We lost by
ten points to the Spartans, but it had been a close game so we
found relief in the loss. Besides the turn up, our plan was more
real than anything else that night. I lingered behind after the
game, speaking to Solomon and his aunt while the crowd
trickled out. She had to go to work shortly and so she spoke to

me and kissed Solomon before leaving. We had the house to

ourselves for the night; and I was in need of servicing bad. I
kissed Solomon on his lips and grabbed his sweatpants
simultaneously, telling him to be ready when I got home. I left
him behind and walked over to Vera who was talking to a dude
in the bleachers when I approached. I got closer and managed to
see him. Harrison was talking to Vera when I first saw him. 511,
he looked taller than he really was, his stature showing off a
slightly toned physique. His dark skin and white teeth caught my
attention at first: His smile was captivating, bright and wide but
slightly off putting. I found myself wanting to return his smile,
his aura magnetic. Vera smiled at him like they had been dating
for years, her body language expressing her thirst. Her legs were
gaped open slightly while her nipples poked firmly through her
outfit. I smiled at him back and listened to their conversation,
skeptically.
Kayla, this is Harrison - my new man! I told you hes
cute girl. He dont know it yet but weve been dating for the past
week. I shook my head at her comments, looking at her with
mixed feelings. He was not my man so why did I feel strange
about what she said anyway? I had a man and he was everything
I needed. He had done so much to change himself, all for me.
This new guy was just that, new. He was cute and seemed like a
nice guy, but he lacked the edge that I needed in a man. I was a
tough girl and I couldnt date a guy who seemed nicer than me. I

reasoned with myself in a matter of minutes, putting the matter

to bed in that time span.
Girl stop. You just met him. Stop acting thirsty already.
Make him work for it at least.
You tried me bitch! Vera jokingly sayed. I aint like
you. Besides I dont even know if he could handle it if I took it
there anyway. I expected Harrison to flee, but he surprised me.
That would be the last thing Id worried about. Id be more so
worried about changing my number afterward. I laughed
without restraint, unable to contain myself.
Harrisons smile widened at the laugh he had earned
from me all while Vera eyed me with malice. Anyway, Vera Ill
be at the car in a little while. Let me say goodbye to my man. I
bid them both goodbye, smiling at Harrison as I walked off. I
didnt want to admit it but I knew then that there was something
special about him. I shook it off though, walking through the
front door of the school into the cold night. I looked down at my
phone and saw a text from Solomon asking me when I was
coming home. I smiled and replied back to him, scrolling
through my pictures to forward him one of my sexy pics. Just as
I sent it, Vera walked out.
Girl, he is going to be my man. I swear. He is just so
cute and nice. I can train him and get him to be just like I want.
Girl he is not a puppy. Why would you want a man that
you have to train? My nigga is a man not a boy. I dont have time
to be teaching a man how to treat me.

I dont mean it like that. Hes nice and in some ways

delicate. He can play tough and talk is good but he needs a
womans touch. It aint no different than Solomon in the
beginning. You had to clean him up and show him he could be
different. Thats all. I listened to her latest sentiment and
agreed. It was true that I had helped Solomon in a lot of ways.
You right, girl! But shoot take me home. I gotta get
back to my nigga. Hes ready and waiting with the whip cream
and strawberries!
Bitch stop bragging! Nobody cares! We laughed about
it the entire car ride before arriving at Solomons mother house. I
grabbed my overnight bag from the backseat and gave Vera a
hug before walking towards the door.
Damn, baby where you was? I been waiting on you for
like an hour. I kissed Solomons lips and rubbed his chest as I
entered, placing my bag on his bed.
Sorry, baby you know I was waiting on Vera. Her ass
was there talking to this new dude she met. Some young boy
whos Lisas brother.
I dont even care about none of that. Bring your ass
here. We gotta make up for lost time. I walked into Solomons
bedroom and submitted to his will, allowing him to tie my hands
as I lie on the bed. I am a freak but I had never experimented
with bondage until that night. The handcuffs wrapped tightly
around my hands - frightened me slightly but aroused me more
than anything. Solomon spread my legs wide open, placing the

whip cream and honey between my legs carefully as he grazed

my cherry slyly. I moaned and writhed in pleasure as he teased
me, my legs dripping at the thought of his tongue. He teased me
for moments before pleasing me, working the box diligently as if
he was trying to unlock it and take all of its contents. I climaxed
several times off of the tongue before he pinned me down and
punished me for what felt like a lifetime. I squirmed helplessly,
drifting off into ecstasy laced bliss for moments before coming
out of it. Solomon finished after sometime, recoiling on the bed
in joy, sleep for a few moments before snapping out of it. I
moved from the top of the bed down to where he was, wrapping
my body around him as he slept. We cuddled for a moment
before he broke free, placing his phone on the charger. I got up
and placed my bracelet on the desk, holding my wrist slightly to
check for handcuff impressions on the wrist. Just as I walked
away, the light from the screen lit up to show that a text message
had been received.
I reached over to answer it and saw the name, Terrica,
flash across the screen. Hey baby call me when you get a
chance. I looked at the text message aghast: There just had to be
an explanation for this. My mind screamed for me to confront
him, but my heart sat there frozen. I placed the phone back on
the desk and went to bed, my body lie stiff next to his as he slept
in peace.

Chapter Two: Charmed

Saturday morning came bright and early, the
humid feel of the sun permeating throughout the house as we lie
there asleep. Solomon slept soundly while I lied there with my
mind shifting rapidly from one thought to another. The paranoia
caused by the text message I saw, had left me feeling me
confused: Was Solomon really out there entertaining other
women or was I misreading the whole thing? I had found myself
so in love with him over the last year that the thought of a
another man had been nonexistent, and I just assumed that it was
the same for him. Clearly there was a misunderstanding; and I
was not one to live with that for long. I stared at Solomon as he
slept eyeing his face for signs that he was indeed awake and
found none. Finally, I had reached enough and so I shook him,
gently at first but progressively rougher until he awoke
disoriented and perturbed.
Yo, what up? Did my mom call and say she
was on the way?
No Solomon! We need to talk though. I reached
over to put my things down and I saw a girls name pop up on
the screen. I scanned his face closely expecting him to lie in my
face.
What was her name? asked Solomon calmly.
He sat up on his elbows after this statement no longer laying

down to sleep. My face showed signs of anger, an anger I had

hoped to hide but it was to no avail. I frowned at the question,
slightly pissed at how asinine it had been.
Terrica. Why does that matter though? Why
was she texting you calling you baby? Or better yet, why was
she texting you at all? I asked him the questions confidently
trying to contain the rage in myself. I felt myself flashing back to
Cascade Rd all those years back when I was fighting hoes who
made fun of my daddy being locked up. If it had been any other
nigga, other than Solomon, I would have asked the same
questions with hands flying already, daring him to swing back. It
was nothing for me to call my dudes from back home to come
see about him if he felt a certain way. I waited for him to
respond, my head turned to the side as if the answer was coming
out the side of his mouth instead of the middle. Solomon
remained calm, shifting his position in the bed slightly as he
explained himself.
Terrica is someone I met two days ago while I
was at work. She came in to mail a package off and experienced
some major problems with the customer service reps. I told her I
would look into the case for her and I would contact her to let
her know when it was handled. It just got handled yesterday and
so she must have hit me up to thank me for the help. Its nothing
more to it than that. The casual manner in which he explained
the matter offended me more than I wanted to admit. Was this
man really that stupid to take another womans number? Even

more was he really stupid enough to think that this would be

enough to placate me? I looked at him in disbelief: Either he was
a really friendly guy or he was playing with fire. I was unsure of
just what to believe and so I decided not to press the issue,
opting instead to allow him to show me the truth. I shook my
head at his comments dismissively, my lips pursed tightly to
display my full displeasure.
Solomon stuck to his story though, never breaking eye
contact with me and remaining calm despite the hostility I was
clearly displaying. Rather than hide from it all, he cooperated
further, offering me the chance to ask him whatever question I
needed to. I cant say that I fully thought that he was being
truthful; Solomon was a smooth nigga who had told me about his
penchant for telling girls what he thought they wanted to hear in
the past. His last relationship with a girl named Jovita ended
badly when she found out that he was sleeping with her cousin
on the side.
I knew that he had been unfaithful in the past but he had
been nothing but honest with me so I trusted him. He had given
me no reason to think otherwise up until now. I thought about the
situation and realized I had a choice to either believe him or not.
I opted to trust him.
The tension of it all led to an awesome session filled
with passion at first then pleasure as we sat there in our own
sweat underneath the smoke clouds. I rolled around in bed for
some time after, my ass cheeks sliding across the bed as I relaxed

and unwinded. Tonight was the birthday party for Vera and it was
going to go down again. It was sure to have plenty drinks on
deck, music, loud... and I was down with all of it.
Unexpectedly the image of a tall, slightly nerdy
gentleman flashed through my mind. Harrison was Veras new
project, someone she could control and tell what to do for a
change. I laughed about it to myself for a moment before
dismissing the thought. I had bigger things to worry about
besides that like the approaching deadline for cosmetology
school. I had given it some thought for some time and the one
thing I could see myself doing for a living was making the
people around me feel as beautiful as I already felt. I already did
hair and nails for the girls I went to school with on the side,
using a lot of that money to handle small bills like gas and food.
But now nearing the end of my school career, I felt more
than ever that I could see myself doing it for a living. Maybe one
day even managing to open up my own shop to service and help
women like myself. I had been eyeing the application for Atlanta
Tech for some time now telling myself when things slowed down
some in school, Id start. A few days after prom, I decided to
begin. I opened up my book bag, scrolling past my special pills
to grab the application and a pen.
Intimidating at first, it no longer was as scary as it was
urgent. May was approaching swiftly and before I knew it I
would be walking across the stage and entering into adulthood. I
wasnt worried about having to take care of myself; I had been

doing that for some time now, feeding, and clothing myself
without the help of my mother. I lived at my grandmothers place
mainly using her place so I could attend Weller, but I basically
lived on my own. I was ready to have my own place; and I
already worked so I wasnt afraid of that life. I was worried
about being one of those people who graduated school and ended
up staying behind to work at a job while their friends went on to
do bigger things.
I was just about to start to work on my application when
I noticed that it was 4 o'clock. Solomons mother would be
coming through the door at any time and if she saw that I was
still here we both would have to endure yet another conversation
on how we were not grown nor paying bills so we had no
business laying up. Eager to escape, I quickly grabbed my
things, kissing Solomon before leaving and heading to the car.
The day was young and I had plenty left to do before tonight.
The night came before I knew it, the heat from the
outside began to cause me to sweat a bit underneath my clothes.
Today had been an active Saturday for me; I had decided to go to
a local BBQ festival near Inman Park earlier, grabbing a brisket
and lemonade for lunch all while listening to good music before
ending it at Piedmont Park. The humidity made spring in Atlanta
unusually uncomfortable, but today the overcast hid the suns
rays from my skin, allowing me to really enjoy the scenery. I was
happy for it. Besides, I needed to have some time by myself.

Solomon had given me an answer, but it had left me with

more questions that I now had to wrestle with. If you had asked
me before all of this happened how we were relationship wise, I
would have told you that we were great. Two steps away from
holy matrimony, three steps from a picket fence and garage, but
now we seemed like one step away from seeing other people. It
made no sense.
I walked past a bed of roses as I made my way out of the
park, eyeing it closely and meticulously. The pink and red
overtones on the same stem intrigued me. I am not a botanist;
and Id never been to a garden before I met Solomon either. But
the way that the pink and red colors sat on the rose bush
impressed me and left me feeling as if there was something I was
supposed to be getting from this experience. I was used to seeing
a rose be one way especially in nature; and now here it was in a
completely different light. I left the garden intrigued by nature.
Today had been a beautiful day and tonight was going to be even
better.
Saturday night came before I knew it as the full moon
shone down on us reminding us of its greatness. I stared back at
it boldly before turning away. The day had been relaxing but
now I needed the nights energy to fill me up and embrace me.
Vera had been busy the whole day preparing for the nights
events gathering ice, plates, cups, and drinks for later. We were
underage true enough, but that was where Erica came into play.
My cousin Erica, a senior at Ellington University, was 23, and

had no issues with breaking us off with bottles when we needed

them so long as we paid her for the risk. Mr. Bostons, Smirnoff,
and Grey Goose were just some of the liquors we had with us
along with cranberry juice, orange juice and 4 Lokos for the
people who liked to drink a little harder than most.
Unlike others, I had grown up seeing my uncles drinking
malt liquor and so by the time I turned 13 found myself drinking
malt liquor myself. That night around 7:00 P.M., Erica grabbed
our order with a friend of hers who also went to school at
Ellington while we waited quietly in the car. It was starting to get
dark and so we he had to get going soon to get the house ready
by 8. After a few minutes past they walked out of the store and
got in the car, passing the drinks to us in the backseat. I popped
the top off of the strawberry 4 Loko and gulped a bit of it down
quickly.
Damn girl you just couldnt wait till we hit the house?
Shit we aint even pull out of the parking lot yet! Put that shit up!
Ericas brow sat heavily on her face, the lines on her face now
contorted viciously. I complied slowly, feeling stupid. Erica
shook her head at me and then put the car in park. I continued
drinking my malt liquor recklessly, attempting to down at least
one before we got to Veras house. Suddenly the words I had
read from Solomons phone screen jumped to the front of my
memory, causing me to stop my chugging momentarily. My love
was entertaining other women and lying about it to my face. I

closed my eyes shut and kept sipping harder as if the liquor

would console me.
Veras neighborhood in Smyrna was a few miles from
the Performing Arts Center, nestled in a quiet and affluent area of
Metro Atlanta. Years back when I had first met Vera I figured
that because she lived out here there was no way that she was
really about that turn up life, but I had found in time that she and
I were more alike than the both of us originally imagined.
Geminis, Vera and I loved to turn up and dance: At the
parties we were known for getting things going by dancing and
making everyone around us feel comfortable. Niggas would go
crazy over seeing us both dancing at the same time, both our
asses jiggling rapidly to the beat of whatever song was playing. I
knew that niggas wanted to holler at me back then so at times I
flirted back with them, giving them a little play at times, but I
had Solomon and so I had to be careful. One thing I knew for a
fact was that Solomon was willing to shoot a nigga over me. I
smiled at the thought of this, widely and intensely, so much so
that Vera caught it and began interrogating me.
Girl you must be thinking about Solomon. Thats like
the only time I see you smiling this hard over anything in life.
Just say it girl, you love that man. All I ask for is an invite to the
wedding. Vera talked to me while putting the drinks in the
cooler over the ice. I listened to her speak, zoning in and out of
the conversation while also laying down the plates and napkins
for our own dinner. I couldnt deny the fact that I loved

Solomon, but there was something still bothering. I couldnt get

over what I had seen earlier. I wanted to trust him, but he was
just too calm about it all. There was only way to get over this. I
needed confirmation and I intended to get it by the end of the
night.
Girl whatever. I love him, but I dont know about
marriage. Pimps dont retire. Anyway whats up with you and
your young boy?
Who? Replied Vera with an innocent smile. She looked
up from the cooler with a devilish grin, placing both her hands
on her hips as she smiled.
Bitch you know who! Stop acting.
Girl Harrison is really a good guy. Like its precious
how sweet he is. He texts me Good Morning and Goodnight
every day without fail and he doesnt have a problem with telling
me he misses me at times during the day. I love it. I listened to
Vera talk about Harrison devotedly as my imagination wandered
off. In the beginning Solomon had been the same; caring,
attentive, and at times soft in spite of his tough shell. The tension
lately had left me wishing for those days with a passion. I dont
remember when things changed between Solomon and I, but
within the last year things between us had changed drastically,
taking a turn for the worse. Nostalgia set in, resting itself snugly
in between my trachea and lungs. I stifled the lump growing in
my throat and smiled, fighting to save face. I had to continue to
be happy for my girl. It wasnt about me at the moment.

I feel you girl, roll with him then! He aint hard but if
you like him then nothing else matters.
But this is my thing Kayla; I really dont care that he
aint street. I been there before and done that. I want someone
who loves me for me. Ryan was street and look at where we are
now! Besides I know one thing; if I put this gushy on him, he
aint gon know how to act! Seriously this is a lot of ass back here
and if I throw it back just a little too hard he gon be out of there
early! Vera began playfully twerking towards me, poking her
booty out while I reared back and smacked it. We continued for a
few seconds before stopping it altogether. The table had been set
and by now the aroma of the kitchen was smelling great. We sat
across from each other and shared a small meal together,
laughing and sharing a drink. Time was passing us by swiftly and
so we had to wrap up soon before people started arriving at 8.
The party started off live. One of our classmates served
as the DJ and he played everything from the New Boys and
Dorrough to Drake during his rotation. Solomon and a few of his
friends came through around 9:30, decked out in Air Maxes and
sagging 501s. I kissed him on the cheek as he walked in, leading
him to the drink table. His crew, Ryan, Javon, and Troy were all
dudes from his neighborhood who had played football with him
and played the corners with him as well. Ryan, who was Veras
ex-boyfriend, had undoubtedly crashed the party, but with Vera
nowhere to be found I ignored it.

I had told Solomon several times before that I didnt like

him running with his boys, explaining to him that he was
heading back towards the same life he had escaped earlier, but he
ignored me, telling me that he knew what he was doing. I waved
at them before walking off, my mind half dazed from the 4 Loko
and Grey Goose I had sipped on earlier. Soon the images of their
faces faded as I walked off only to be replaced with the faces of
the other party goers.
11:30, which was about an hour before the party ended,
was set aside as red light hour. Vera, who I had seen dancing
with everyone earlier, had disappeared for a little while. I looked
around for her in between songs until she reemerged with
Harrison out of the crowd. He stood out of the crowd the most to
me, his smile lighting up the room around us. An aura of joy and
happiness emanated from him, causing everyone around him to
receive him with the same energy. He dapped up the dudes in the
party and hugged all the ladies, making rounds as Vera
introduced him. I watched him as he did this all. He was nothing
like what I was use to seeing and not close to what I wanted, but
I must say he seemed happier than most of the people I had met
before in life. It fascinated me to no end.
Time passed and the last song of the night, Jupiter Love,
came on. The whole atmosphere of the party changed instantly.
Solomons swagger had caught me initially, enticing me the
whole night, but unforeseen to everyone including myself
another planets pull would appear on the scene and do the same.

I remember it vividly. Harrison danced slowly and sensually on

Vera during the song and in an instant the innocence I had
detected slowly melted away. I watched from a distance as they
serenaded each other while other partygoers stole glances
occasionally. He seemed to be so much more than what met the
eye, cool, collected, but confident. I watched as they danced in
silence.
Everything was calm at first and then it took a turn for
the worse. Veras ex Ryan saw the two together and attempted to
cut in and dance. He walked over when the song ended, grabbing
Veras hand to pull her close. Vera pulled away violently which
caused Harrison to jump towards Ryan and in essence his crew.
Solomon who had been posted on the wall dancing with
me suddenly pushed me aside and made his way over closer to
the fray. Vera stood in between both sides, attempting to calm
them down, but neither one was backing down. I watched in
surprise; Harrison was clearly outnumbered and yet here he was
standing bravely. I quietly prayed that Solomon and his boys
would chill and not cause any issues. Harrison was after all the
guy that Vera liked and it was her birthday. The two sides argued
back and forth sometime with Ryan and his crew threatening to
fuck up Harrison several times. Surprisingly Harrison remained
calm, seeming as if he was unbothered. I watched it in silence for
some time before intervening.
Babe lets walk away. Leave that boy alone, we aint
here for that. I grabbed Solomons waist and took him with me,

trying to take his mind off the anger boiling inside him. Vera
grabbed Harrison and they walked away too, ending the standoff
before it got ugly. As crazy as things had gotten that night, Ill
never forget the look on Harrisons face when I said what I said
to Solomon. I had called Harrison a boy, but rather than look
offended he looked at me purposefully, an unspoken energy
emitted in that moment. We had been trading glances and
comments before, but in that moment I knew the truth. Harrison
Williams liked me. I never admitted it to anyone, but in that
moment I must say I was charmed.

Chapter Three: Enraged

May finally arrived and now I could see the
ending in sight, High school had been memorable, filled with
highs and lows that had peaked in the last year. A whirlwind at
times, I loved every moment of it including the times when I
wondered if I would have gas for school or enough credits to
pass. I was sitting on the couch in Solomons place looking at
class rings and gowns one day when Solomon walked in from
work. His brown work boots gave his movements away as each
succeeding step grow louder and closer. He turned the key over
in the lock shortly after and walked in, bringing the sweat and
smell of outside in with him on his clothes and skin. 90 degree
weather had made its return and was here to stay. Solomon
greeted me as I walked in, giving me a hug and a kiss before
speaking to his aunt and grabbing a snack. It had been about
three weeks since Veras party and I hadnt heard from or seen
Harrison since. Truth be told I hadnt really given a second
thought to it all since. For me out of sight out of mind was more
than just a saying. The responsibilities of school, a part time job
at Hardee's, and Solomon were more than enough to keep me
busy.
Admittedly, Solomon and I were in a better place since
the incident occurred, due mainly to the fact that he was working
harder than ever to convince me he was sincere. Trips to the fair,

movies, and random spa days were becoming a common

occurrence, so much so that I didnt think to even ask where he
was finding the extra income to spend on these things. I knew
that he was saving up money for his own apartment and also for
tech school once he finished his GED classes, but I didnt think
to ask him about whether or not he could afford what he was
offering. Either way I enjoyed it and welcomed it all. Weekends
were the only true days we could spend with each other and so
when we got that time we made sure to make it count. May 27th
was the day of my graduation and with less than two weeks to
the date I had to start handling business. Priority number one was
to put down money to cover the graduation fees.
Hey babe which color do you like the most? I asked.
You already know red is the only real color! He
replied.
Oh really nigga! Your girlfriend aint red though?
Word but your heart is and thats all that matters!
You swear you a smooth nigga. I cant stand you!
I know. But why you ask me that though?!
Im asking because I really want to get a class ring and
Im looking at which color stone Ima get. I like the red ruby, but
I also like the turquoise.
Word. What them prices looking like though? Shit
looks like it cost something.
Babe they really are. When I total up the costs of
graduation and everything else like prom Im looking at $500 to

cover everything. I expected him to recoil at the thought and

curse loudly and repeatedly but he remained calm.
Word thats it?
What you mean thats it? I got about $1,700 saved but
thats set aside for cosmetology classes next semester. I really
dont have it. I looked at the computer screen dejected, trying to
weigh my options. I prided myself on two things before I met
Solomon: One was my ability to survive the worst situations and
the second was never relying on a man to help me. When I was
talking to Solomon it never occurred to me that he would offer to
help and had I known that divulging my feelings would led to
that I would have stayed silent.
Solomon reached into his pocket almost instantly and
handed me $500 cash, refusing my requests to take it back.
Immediately red flags began popping up in my head: It had not
even been a full year since Solomons friend had passed and he
had decided to leave the streets alone. Had he descended back
into that life already? I took the money from Solomon to prevent
a fight but managed to put it back while he slept that night. I had
reached a boiling point with the lies. It was time to get to the
bottom of it all.
I have never been a big fan of social media even though
at times I did find myself reading Veras timeline to catch up on
the latest tea from classmates and celebrities alike. Unwilling to
get personally wrapped up in it all, I had managed to shy away
from it for some time. But now with all of the secrets I knew

Solomon was keeping, it became important for me to keep an

eye on him all while doing my own research. May 6th, 2009 I
joined Facebook, becoming friends with only a small group of
people at first before expanding my circle. The tea I got just from
small things like looking at peoples likes, comments and
friends lists alone made me realize how late to the party I was
chile!
I surveyed Facebook for an hour, locating old friends
and family before finally looking up Solomon. Solomon Harris
did not show the results I wanted and so I searched any and all
variations of his name, hoping to find him. It was hopeless. I
checked the list of friends who knew him from Weller and was
still unable to locate his profile. Something wasnt adding up. As
long as we had been together I had noticed the Facebook logo on
Solomons screen several times, but now when I needed to find
him I couldnt. There was no way in hell I was going for that!
Before the day ended I was going to find a way into his account.
In the midst of my anger the universe interceded again,
sending a handsome distraction in my direction. I was scrolling
down my Facebook Feed when the instant message box popped
up. I prepared mentally to block and delete whatever guy was
attempting to message me, but to my surprise saw that it was
Harrison hitting me up. He had just joined Facebook a day
earlier according to his page and had seen my name on his chat
list apparently.

Hey thanks again for your help. Glad you came over
there and saved them dudes. I aint want to have to do them
wrong in front of yall. His comments were followed by a
smiley face emoticon that caused me to laugh out loud. I was
glad that it didnt get violent either especially for his sake.
Amused more than Id like to admit, I took the bait and
responded, chatting with him for about twenty minutes back and
forth. In that short time span I was able to clearly see what Vera
saw in him: He was nice, respectful, honest and funny, all things
a girl could appreciate in a man. For the first time in my life I
had a conversation where I felt like I gained more from the other
person than I had given.
What started off as just a harmless attraction would grow
soon to become something much deeper and more complicated,
but at 17, I could not see it then. Those twenty minutes went by
smoothly, coming to an end when I noticed the time. Solomon
was coming home and we needed to talk. We ended the
conversation calmly, both of us unaware of when wed speak
again or if wed speak again. We were both in a relationship.
I closed the face of my laptop screen with a slight smile,
swiping it away almost as soon as it appeared. Harrison had a
way of making people feel at peace when they were around him
and with all that was going on at the time it was a welcomed
distraction. I grabbed my laptop and placed it on the bed, making
my way back downstairs. I didnt want anything to distract me
from what I was about to do next.

Solomon walked in the door that day around

5:10, beads of sweat glistening from his forehead as he crossed
over the threshold. The humidity was stifling as usual because of
the warmth from the sun encircling us all as we fought to stay
cool. He placed down his bag by the door per his usual routine
and kicked off his shoes, all while closing the door gently behind
him. He knew that after I got off from school I was known to
take a nap and so he considerately closed the door quietly when
he entered so as to not disturb me. I surprised him that day in
more ways than other and it was obvious when he saw me
waiting in the living room behind him that something was
different this time. He had just placed down his things when he
turned to see me waiting for him on the couch. My eyes met his
and conveyed my anger and my eyebrows sat perched slightly
above my eyes as he walked in. He was thrown off and that was
uncommon for someone like him. He recovered from the shock
of it all and walked over to me calmly, grabbing my face to kiss
my cheek. I gave him the cheek, but maintained my stankness.
Now was not the time to be soft.
Whats going on babe? I thought youd be sleep
normally. I didnt wake you did I? The hint of innocence in the
last word betrayed his feelings. He knew what this was all about
and instead of showing some remorse here he was sitting smugly
as if shit was a game. Red dots clouded my vision momentarily. I
wanted to fuck him up so bad. But there would be time for that. I
returned his smile with an equally sarcastic one of my own,

moving my hands from the couch to my thighs. I wanted them to

be free when I needed them. This nigga had some nerve.
Really Solomon?! You know why Im here.
Youve been lying to me about this girl I saw in your phone the
other day. Who is she to you? Dont lie about that shit either
because Ill know. I expected Solomon to lie and beg and stall
all while searching for the right lie. He looked at me in my eye
and answered me calmly. The look he gave was one I had seen
from him on select occasion: I had seen him look that way before
once when he had gotten into an argument in the street.
We had met up by the Edgewood Retail District that day
in the beginning of our relationship and since we were both
broke we decided to walk around the area window shopping. We
had spent a little over an hour there and just as we were parting
ways I saw the real Solomon. An old classmate from his
neighborhood Roddy or Ro as he was known walked up and
started going off on Solomon over a woman he had dated back
in the past. Ro walked over to Solomon popping off loudly,
calling him all types of names before threatening to have him
stuck him up. Instantly I saw the look appear on his face. He
stared at Ro menacingly, the corners of his mouth curled
inwardly and his cheekbones rigidly in place. He looked at Ro
for 2 seconds before finally cocking back and connecting on Ro.
The first blow came so quickly that I could do nothing but watch
for a few seconds as he practiced on Ros face. Onlookers
threatening to contact the police and my screams to leave finally

convinced Solomon to leave, but right then I knew that behind

Solomons charm was a real savage.
I looked at him carefully and braced myself. I believed
that Solomon would never hit me, but I also knew that when he
was in this mode he was capable of doing much more damage
than I could think. I balled up my hands tightly and kept them
behind my back. I would let him explain himself first before I
took it there. Solomon stared at me and spoke to me matter of
factly as if I was one of his boys.
You know what you right. So since this is my aunts
place and not yours you can leave. I aint gon argue with yo ass
neither. Just leave. He got up from his seat and attempted to
walk off but not before I leaped up myself and swung. Before he
knew it I was throwing haymakers from all directions at him,
attempting to hurt him in any way possible. He had managed to
dodge all of the blows, parrying them and ducking before one
caught him square on the jaw. I swung hard and saw it connect:
My hand instantly felt broken in the encounter and I fell back on
the couch in pain. I looked down at my hand: It throbbed
violently and convulsed as if it had hit a wooden door. I didnt
know it then but I had fractured my wrist. Solomon looked at me
angrily, his face now completely flushed. He looked at me as if
he had not expected me to react this way. I breathed deeply as I
watched him register it all.
Really bitch? He said calmly. He walked over to
where I was calmly and grabbed me hard. I swung with my other

hands but he scooped me up before I could react. Slamming me

on the couch, he pinned me down, placing his hand over my
throat as he spoke to me. I looked at him in his eyes, fighting to
get free but I was trapped. He had his body over my legs and my
arms pinned back. No longer calm, the inner creases of his face
showed just how irate the encounter had left him.
So you gon really hit me in my face bitch!?! You done
lost your fucking mind nigga! I aint gon whoop your fucking ass
like you want me to though bitch. Naw I aint- But we gon get
some shit clear! From now on dont fucking speak to me when
you see me. I fought to get free of him, but the more I fought
the more he pressed his body on me. I attempted to get up from
under him one more time, but then he extended his forearm into
my throat and I fell back. I attempted to catch my breath, but he
pressed down harder, a sadistic look now on his face.
Yeah bitch so now you see. You dont run shit. I been
really sparing your ass but now you gon learn. You dont ask me
about shit I do. I been a good nigga to you this whole time,
curving your little classmates like Vera who been throwing the
box at me. Yeah I know, shit hurts right!?! Yeah all your little
home girls been trying to fuck and I aint do it. So yeah I text
other chicks at time. I aint fucking them though. So you gon
stop asking me about that shit right now. We clear? We clear?!
Bitch when I ask you a question you betta answer!
I could no longer tolerate the shit he was talking and so
I fought him with all the strength in me, pushing myself up with

all the strength I had in me. I kicked him in the chest hard as I
could and then punched him when my hand got free. He
staggered backwards from me reeling in pain before I managed
to run away. I ran right by Solomon and ran out of the house
with nothing but basketball shorts on and a t-shirt. I ran down the
street searching for a place that I could go to crash at, frantically
running as if Solomon was behind me again. Veras house was a
block away and so I headed there. I knocked on her door
hurriedly all while looking around to see if she would come to
the door soon. Vera opened the door almost instantly. She saw
the panicked expression on my face and without question told
me to come in.
I walked into the house sweating and out of breath.
Solomon had violated me in a way I had never imagined. As
flustered as I was, seeing Harrison laying on the couch watching
television shocked me more than anything. I walked across the
threshold and into the kitchen, plopping down on the first chair I
saw. I hated for him to see me this way. We exchanged glances in
that moment, a look of concern painted on his face that
contrasted sharply with my own. I told Vera and Harrison what
happened that evening after I calmed down, explaining to them
the problems we had been experiencing and together they both
comforted me. Harrison looked at me passionately as if he
wanted to spare me from any more pain. A fire burned brightly
inside of me that day, its flame now burning brightly on a new
torch.

Chapter Four: Engrossed

It had been about two weeks since I had last
spoken with Solomon. Graduation was approaching swiftly and
my focus lied on the task ahead. He had done everything short of
coming to see me and so I had half expected to see him on my
way to school some days. I ignored all of the calls, voicemails
and endless texts, but kept a blade on me during the last month
of school tucked away in my purse. I was going to be ready for
him this time. The embarrassment caused by the ordeal had upset
me more than anything; concealing the bruises and deflecting the
questions from staff members and teachers who asked about my
face angered me to no end. Looking back, I dont think I would
have gotten through the ordeal if not for Harrison. He helped me
to take my mind off it all and allowed me to focus on myself for
a change.
Ill never forget our first date. It was on the
second Saturday in May and the weather outside was unusually
cool for the time of year (66 degrees). Both Harrison and I
decided to go out for lunch as two friends enjoying each others
company. We had grown close not too long after our incident
while he and Veras relationship fizzled out and so he was up for
grabs. I thought to myself at first to stick to the code but then I
reflected on how she had thrown herself at Solomon and
instantly felt better. Besides Vera was far from his type: She was

much too safe for someone like him. He liked that I was wild and
that I was complicated.
Hed tell me all the time during our talks that he
enjoyed a challenge in response to me telling him I was a mess. I
smiled at the thought every time, reassured a little bit more each
time we spoke. I needed the constant reassurance that what we
were doing was right. Truth be told as much as I liked Harrison I
was holding back on purpose, not really allowing myself to like
him the way he wanted me to. Emotionally, I was still attached to
Solomon. We had been through a lot together and I had yet to get
the closure on it I sought. Harrison was a good guy, but I was not
in a place to give him what he needed. Maybe I should have said
it then. But he pursued me with an earnestness I thought
unbelievable at first. It was never a bad time to talk in his world
and even when it was I knew that he would call me later. The
morning texts and nightly conversations left me feeling as
special as I had once felt when I met Solomon a year earlier. It
was this feeling that convinced me to give him a chance and so I
did.
We pulled up to the Barnes and Noble around 2:00 P.M.,
a slight breeze permeating through the car window as I drove.
Harrison did not have a car at the time and so he had was
dropped off by a friend. Even though I had a car I am far from
being punctual and so it all made sense. I parked the car around
2:12 in the parking lot, rolling up all of the windows before I got
out. I grabbed the Bath and Body Works spray from the

dashboard and sprayed some around my neck first and then for
good measure around my legs. The teal colored floral pattern on
my skirt screamed spring time. I looked good and smelled good.
I put on more flavored lip gloss to accentuate the experience. My
mother always told me that to be the woman that men loved to
be around the men had to feel as if time spent with you was an
adventure. I had lived by that motto for some time now, usually
with men who didnt deserve it. This time though things felt
different.
I walked into the store and panned around looking for
where Harrison would most likely be sitting. Unable to find him
at first, I walked over to the cafe and ordered a Strawberry
Macchiato and a muffin while I waited. I had just gotten my
order when he walked up behind me and placed his hands over
my eyes. His smell caught me before anything else. A hint of
vanilla and other scents gently gathered my senses as I lost
myself in his aura for a second. He had on a red colored Polo
shirt with shorts and loafers; I smiled brightly at him when he
stepped back and gave him a hug, squeezing him tightly for a
second before letting him go. He looked so happy to see me. I
played coy and grabbed my food, opting to follow him around
the store as I ate. I sashayed some in front of him, teasing him a
little. It was all for fun.
We spent that afternoon wandering around various stores
and restaurants talking about everything from graduation and
family to our plans for the future. I had been hesitant at first to

go on a date with him, wondering if we really had any true

chemistry. Things were going well between us but I attributed
that mostly to the fact that we spoke on the phone and not in
person. I was so wrong! Everything flowed when he and I
chilled, and the conversation never felt forced. When Harrison
smiled at me or laughed at what I said I could sense a joy in him
that I had long since forgotten. That was the joy that I felt when
my mom was alive, the same joy I had felt when Solomon first
told me he loved me. That joy was a feeling I had craved for
some time now and here I was feeling that again with another
man. He gave that feeling back to me again.
Around 3:30 I looked at my phone and noticed the time.
I told Harrison that I had to get back home to help some of my
family members pack and so we ended the date short. I knew
that he did not a have a way to the train station and so I offered
to drop him. That was the first time we kissed.
I pulled up to King Memorial Station and put the car in
park. Harrison grabbed my hand and looked into my eyes and I
returned his gaze with an equally serious one, daring him to be
brave. I was waiting on the ledge hoping hed jump with. He
looked at me for some time before leaning over and kissing me
deeply.
A peck at first, it intensified soon after and together we
found ourselves locked tightly in each others arms. His lips
were softer than I had been accustomed to. Gentle, but
passionate, I kissed him and felt my body become softer while

his became more rigid. It felt right for once. I pulled away slowly
and looked at him closely, surveying his face. He looked pleased
and disappointed at having to leave my lips behind. I smiled
back at him stifling a grin. I could not give him all this love so
soon and for free.
Mmhm ok. That was good. Who knew your lips would
feel that soft?! You surprise me every day Mr. Williams.
As do you Ms. Wilmore. You really making it hard to
leave right now. I smiled at him again. Yeah I know I thought to
myself.
I know babe. I have to get back though. I told my
grandmother I would come by and check on the house and my
nieces and help with dinner. If I didnt youd be more than
welcome to stay a little longer with me. The added emphasis on
the last words were for maximum effect. I wanted him to really
miss me and I wanted to see how hed feel without me there. He
stared at me again as if he wanted more and I beckoned him with
my eyes. He looked back at me for some time as if he was
debating whether or not he wanted to go home. He paused and
looked at me wistfully before finally deciding to walk away. I
watched as he boarded the train before pulling off and driving.
Needless to say I was all in my mind and all in my feelings. We
had spent the day talking about ourselves and even though we
talked more about who I was I felt as if I knew him. He was a
good guy. Suddenly all of the tension between us boiled over. I
was ready for whatever would come from our bond. I pulled up

to my grandmothers place and parked, heading to the trunk to

grab my overnight clothes.
I had just gotten my things out the car when I noticed
another car pull into in my grandmothers driveway. A black
Dodge Charger pulled up only moments right after me. Solomon
had been unable to get in contact with me for some weeks now
and so he reached out to the only family member he knew of.
That muthafucka!
I pulled my duffle bag close to my chest, searching for
anything that I could use as a weapon. We were back on my side
of town now, the Westside and so I felt a little more at ease. I had
family all over MLK and even further down into College Park
and so I knew he knew better than to try that shit again. I saw
him get out of his car and prepared myself for whatever was
coming.
Look Kayla I promise I aint here to start nothing.
Seriously, I just want to talk. Can I get five minutes?
Now you want to talk. When you was trying to choke
my ass a while back because of your own bull shit you wasn't
trying to talk then! What we got to talk about?
I know man. I was on some other shit. I should have
never put hands on you. I fucked up. I know I cant take that
back, but if you let me I can make things up to you.
The fuck nigga?! What I look like? How you gon make
up for doing some shit like that? How? I looked at him in awe;
this nigga really thought that I was just going to come back so

easily after what he had done. I had dealt with bullshit before as
a girl coming up, but now as a woman going into the real world I
was not for the shits anymore. I was going to be respected by all
means. Or so I said.
Look Kayla you right. We never had issues with that
fact. Lets talk about it in the car. I got something planned for us
both. A trip for us to go on to work on our relationship. A way
for us to get back to what we had before. Just trust me. Trust
me. He looked at me with the sad face, his bright white teeth
smiling at me and inviting me. He was a fuck boy for sure, but
he was apologizing to me and he had never done that before.
Arguments before had led to him storming off or telling me to
call him later when I was done bitching. I could see the growth
in him.
Inside I knew that getting in that car with him was a
mistake, but he was that fine. I cant lie and say that I wasnt still
very attracted to him. I loved him for so long. You cant just turn
off feelings you have for someone that quick. I stood there for a
moment as if it took me that long to decide.
Whatever nigga. Let me tell my g ma that Im leaving.
We can talk, but I dont know about no trip. Its gon take time
before Im even back in that place again. He smiled
momentarily before swiping it away.
Bet. I understand. Lets talk and grab some dinner
though. I know a good little barbeque spot off MLK where we
can grab food and dessert too.

Oh Im fine. I ate earlier.

But you aint have dessert Im sure. I know what you
like too. Let me guess; the cherrys got be on top and you gotta
take your time eating it right? He looked at me as he said it,
slyly motioning his lips as he spoke. I looked at him with my
best poker face, but almost right there I felt my legs shake some.
He was a fuck boy but he could fuck boy. He knew just how to
get me into him on so many different levels.
Nigga stop. Lets go grab some dessert though. I gotta
be back in an hour though. Dont have me out too long.
Yeah yeah whatever. Get in. We pulled out of the
driveway and made our way to the restaurant nearby. I can
genuinely say I remember dessert but I dont remember the
restaurant or what the inside of it looked like. I was so geared up
getting into his Charger. The new car smell and the plush seats
made the whole experience that more surreal. Solomon had
charm and he knew it. Shit when I got in that car with him he
and I both knew what was up. I had barely grabbed my seatbelt
and sat down before I found myself in the backseat getting my
chocolate cake ate. Needless to say he scraped the bowl clean.
I moaned loudly and angrily as he pushed my legs up
and the seat back, one hand on my legs and the other on my ass.
I was wilting with each moment passing but still I remained
angry. I hated him on so many levels. I hated him for knowing he
had me like this. He had done some foul shit to me and here I
was letting him back in. I couldn't change how I felt but I could

protest with my climax. Inside I told myself to hold it in as long

as I could and deny him the satisfaction. I bit my lip in protest
and clenched my muscles, telling myself to be strong. It was
almost as if he read my mind. He looked at me as I plotted my
plan and went even faster, working his tongue feverishly in a
circle like I was a bullseye target. I could not hold on any longer
and so I released, feeling myself crumble under the pressure. I
dont think Id ever climaxed that hard in life before and I
havent since.
I climaxed and felt joy and anger. I wanted him to know
that I was here, but I wasnt. His sex was awesome but he had
hurt me and I couldnt ignore that. I lied back for a moment
before I found myself going for the meal. I know it was wrong
on so many levels, but Solomon and I fucked in that back seat
like it was a top floor suite at a 5 star hotel in Buckhead. He gave
me that work that day in the car.
We both stripped down to our bare bones and united like
we were husband and wife. I grabbed him and pulled him in
close, feeling his breath on my face as I tightened up. I felt
Solomon going strong for some time. Right in the midst of his
strokes it hit me that something was off. It had been common
knowledge to him that I had been on birth control our whole
relationship, but once things ended between us I no longer felt
the need to. Harrison was not after me for sex I thought and so I
felt no need to take it. Solomon and I were having unprotected
sex like usual and I knew that he didnt know.

Something inside told me to stop him and pull away. I

felt him about to release and inside I knew that I should have
told him not to. But there was a small part of me that was ok
with the idea of either outcome. I loved him, no matter how
fucked he was up and how bad he had treated me. He was still
the man I loved and in some ways I felt in that moment that he
really loved me. I looked him in his eyes as he stroked and
pulled him in close, wrapping my legs around him and humped
him hard and fast as he released inside of me. He grabbed hold
of my ass and gripped it with a tightness I had never felt before. I
bounced on it for good measure and continued to ride him as he
climaxed.
Almost instantly I felt as if I had made a mistake.
Solomon, now free of his urges, was already beginning to
distance himself. I reached out and grabbed his hand right after
the moment, stretching my fingers out towards his own, only to
find him return the gesture briefly before he pulled away. I
looked out of the windows around me and saw that the sun had
indeed set over us. How fitting. Instantly my phone screen lit up
and I saw that I had received a text message from Harrison. I hid
the phone in my pants and shielded it from the view of Solomon.
It was none of his business and I didnt need him ruining things
for me anymore than he had already done.
Solomon and I got dressed again and he dropped me
back off at my grandmothers, telling me he would text me when
he got home. I merely nodded back and got out of the car with

my bag, feeling foolish. I looked down at the text message from

Harrison and then felt worse. I had been out here no less than 2
hours ago with him holding hands and kissing, and now here I
was fresh off an encounter with my ex. Harrison had no idea and
the text only confirmed it.
Hey Kayla I made it back safe. Had fun with you today.
I cant stop thinking about what a beautiful day we shared today.
The best feeling comes from knowing I get to fall asleep talking
to you later on. Call me when you get free or if not Ill text you
in the morning. I looked at the screen submerged in my own
green guilt. I cared about Harrison and his feelings but I was
confused now. Solomon and I had been through a lot. I didnt
think that it was time for me to walk away from him, especially
after all we had been through. I read the message and then
deleted it from my message inbox with a coldness I had long
since forgotten. I knocked on the door and waited for my
grandmother to answer. I walked in and spoke to her briefly
before making my way to the shower.
My reflection in the mirror hypnotized me: I stared at
myself with a twinge of disgust. I deserved more. I didnt
deserve to be treated the way I was being treated especially
considering everything I had done for Solomon. When he needed
me to loan him money or pick him up when his car wasnt
working, I was the only one he could call on. Clarity crept
through the restroom and made its way to me in the midst of the
steam. I reflected on it all as the mist from the shower continued

to build up; how was it that I was his everything, his baby, his
love, yet he was able to be without me so easily? I wasnt brave
enough to do it then, but right then I knew that Solomon didnt
love me like I loved him. I was convenient and accessible and
that was attractive. I was the one person who would always be
there for him and it was because of that he would never value
me.
I held myself for some time, staring back at my
reflection looking for acceptance. I was allowing myself to be
less than I was and because I wouldnt allow myself more I was
dealing with bs. I removed my hands from my face, my breasts
resting comfortably on my chest. I had never really admired
myself for long. It hit me then that I had failed to see myself for
who I really was. I walked into the shower resolute at first before
finally crying. The weight of it all hit me suddenly until I found
myself submerged in my tears as the pressure of the water
bounced off my face. I cried in silence the way I cried years
back. I wanted more. I needed more. Unsure, scared, and alone, I
cried for what felt like hours before finally stopping.
Reaching upward, I grabbed the rail and pulled myself
up. I had been there for some time, drowning in my own mess
before finally saying enough was enough. I didnt know at the
time who poetic that moment really was. I reached for a towel
and begun to dry off. I felt numb. I had asked God to send me
someone who loved me and here I was now feeling as if the man
he sent me never really loved me.

Fate tormented me yet again in that moment as if I

hadnt endured enough already. The buzz and sound from my
phone jarred me out of my stupor as a text message came in.
Hey babe whats up. Im ready for us to work it out and get
back to who we are. Call me when youre free my love. I miss
you. I looked at the message from Solomon and smiled as wide
as I could. Wiping my face, I dried off and grabbed the phone,
responding quickly to his text. I told him that I would call him
back soon after I got dressed. I told him I was in the shower and
then sent him a kissy face emoticon. Abrasive and uncaring, he
tried me even more, asking me for nudes. I foolishly agreed,
saying yes without thinking. It was official: I loved him more
than I loved myself.

Chapter Five: Errors

Graduation day came finally. The gravity of the
accomplishment dawned on me: I had grown so much in just
four years, blossoming from an angry and violent woman to a
woman with drive and focus. I had gotten my first job and car
and boyfriend while in high school and because of my efforts I
was now ready to attend Atlanta Tech to take up cosmetology. It
felt good knowing that everything was lining up the way I
envisioned it at first. As great as it felt the spirit of my mom
hung over the event. She always wanted this moment, and before
she was murdered she always talked about attending my high
school graduation. As sad as it was, I knew that she was looking
down on me and so I found solace in that fact alone.
To add to the good news, Solomon and I were back on
track spending time and effort on making sure we could get
things back to what they used to be. The last weekend before
graduation had been spent on an unofficial couples retreat at
Tybee Island in Savannah walking hand in hand and posting a
ton of pictures for Instagram and Facebook. I looked down my
timeline in between drinks to see that everyone was commenting
and liking the pics of our trip and I smiled. It felt good to be back
with him. I even saw that Harrison had liked a couple of my pics
as well but that they were all the pictures where I was posing by
myself on the beach.

Speaking of him he and I had not spoken for almost two

weeks. A part of me wanted to speak to him but I could think of
nothing to say to him. I was Solomons girlfriend and even
though I had feelings for Harrison as well, I had to stay loyal to
my man. He wasnt perfect, but he was what I wanted. I had
made a decision that night after Solomon and I reconnected to
focus on making us whole again. I blocked Harrisons number in
my phone and then unfriended him on Facebook. I had the man I
wanted and we were going to make it.
The principal of Weller Mills High, Dr. Watkins, was a
stern and business oriented woman who ran the school
efficiently. The youngest of the schools in the Atlanta Public
School System, Weller Mills had gone from a CCRPI rating of
56 in its opening to 74.2 four years later. Dr. Watkins demanded
excellence from the staff and the students and her leadership
style could be seen in the schools DNA.
Her red and white bracelet was the only thing that struck
me weird out of her outfit. She always dressed professionally,
usually in business pants and flats. I didnt know it back then,
but she would become a pivotal part of my life. She became a
personal mentor to me in 10th grade after a bad fight took place.
She told me that day in her office that I was special, delicate and
smart and that I needed to act accordingly. The earnestness in her
tone sold me on who she was that day. She told me to love
myself and to forgive myself and that everything would change. I

couldnt fathom what she was saying back then, but now sitting
in the audience awaiting my name, I understand it all too well.
I listened to the valedictorian, Lisa Williams, talk to us
about the importance of living out our lives passionately and
purposefully and realized in that moment that she and Harrison
lived a life I would never be able to be a part of. Our
backgrounds and our views differed so drastically; I had fooled
myself for a moment thinking Harrison could relate to and
appreciate me more than someone like Solomon could. How
could Harrison really love someone like me, someone who had
done a little bit of everything and seen it all at such an early age?
I was raised in the streets and he was raised on the stoop. He and
I were just too different. I looked at her solemnly and smiled
some. I made the best decision.
Kayla Wilmore. Dr. Watkins said my name and I made
my way to the stage carefully praying that I didnt slip or trip
while on stage in my three inch heels. An hour had passed and
we were now at the main moment. I walked on stage and saw Dr.
Watkins bright face smiling back at my own as she hugged me
closely and tightly. Her face was beat! The joy and pain of it all
hit me in that moment, and in that moment, I felt a love that I
had craved for years. We embraced for a moment but it was
therapeutic. I couldnt cry and ruin my makeup and the pictures
that would follow and so I stifled it like a big girl. We looked at
each other momentarily before breaking our glance and I made

my way back to my seat. I caught Solomons eye and saw that he

too was proud of me. I had everything I wanted in that moment.
2 o clock came, and like a church service that had gone
on too long, we walked out of the venue cautiously and swiftly. I
was anxious to make my way to Gladys Chicken and Waffle to
grab a plate with my extended family and some of Solomons. I
went through the motions, shaking hands and hugging
classmates that I really didnt fuck with, you know giving them
the impression that we would speak to each other over the
summer. I saw a bunch of people all at once as the crowd made
their way to their cars, but I hadnt given it much thought until I
looked up and saw that Harrison was directly across from me. I
saw him and knew that it was pointless to act as if I didnt notice
him. I had nothing to hide. We had a moment but that had ended.
We were grown and there was no need to act as if we never knew
each other.
I made a beeline for Lisa who was with her extended
family and friends near the exit of the venue. In her hand were
envelopes and certificates from various family members and
staff who wanted to commemorate the day with her. Beside her
was Harrison who was dressed impeccably with a shark grey
colored suit, tan shoes, and a pink bow tie.
I paused for a moment to acknowledge the glow up; He
looked good as hell, but I had a man so I remained nonchalant. I
greeted Lisa and Harrisons family with hugs before walking
over to Lisa and doing the same. Harrison looked at me in the

eyes with a solemn look: His face displayed an air of contempt,

but his eyes told the truth. The glimmer of light his eyes showed
when he first saw me showed me he still had feelings for me. I
dont know why but I needed to know he still cared for me. His
sister sensing the tension ushered the family away and allowed
us some time to speak to each other privately. I watched them
walk away and attempted to smile some to lighten the mood, but
to no avail. Harrison was hurt and I knew it. I didnt know what
to say to him. I know now what I should have said to him, but at
the time I was so sure of what I had it would have been no use to
convince me otherwise.
We exchanged some small talk as I attempted to act as if
things were good. I saw that he wanted to confront me about
what had happened but his pride as a man would not allow him
to show weakness. I talked to him for a few minutes before
seeing Solomon out of the corner of my eye approaching. I
turned around and looked in his direction, instantly feeling a
sense of panic sweep over me in that moment.
Harrison saw it on my face and looked over to see
Solomon approaching calmly. Solomon had a navy blue button
up with a skinny tie and khaki colored slacks on. He looked at
me talking to another man and walked over with an air of
authority. I felt so safe around him. Never mind the fact he had
choked me out almost a month earlier. I saw him approach and
walked over to him, wrapping my body around his like I was his
toy. I wanted to reassure Solomon that I was his and he was

mine. Harrison tensed up some, unsure of what was going to

happen.
Hey babe we gotta get ready to bust a move. Gladys
gon be booming if we dont get there soon. You ready? I shook
my head in compliance and kissed him on the cheek, waving at
Harrison as I walked off. Solomon and Harrison locked eyes
with each other for a moment each feeling the other out.
Solomon nodded at him with a silent understanding of who he
was in that moment. I walked off with Solomon, holding his
hand as we made our way to the car. I felt Harrisons eyes on me
as I made my way back towards my family. I felt sad for him. It
was for that reason that I didnt want to talk to him in the first
place. I was a savage and he was just too nice.
My family and Solomons sat at the table that afternoon
to fellowship, breaking bread, drinking tea and sharing chicken. I
laughed, smiled and kissed my man oblivious to the things we
had went through earlier. We dealt with a lot of shit that year and
so we were thankful to be together. To me this was just another
example of sacrifice and compromise. I was grateful for my
blessings.
We left that evening and headed back to Solomons
place. He had to work early that next day and so we took it easy
that night watching Netflix and eating snacks. There had been
some talk over what wed do that summer, most of which had
been very surface level, but now with nothing but free time on

our hand we needed to have a talk. Besides I had been feeling

pretty sick lately and not really in the mood for getting nasty.
I sat up on the bed some now and tapped Solomons
shoulder. He put his phone on the dresser and rolled over quickly
to look me in the eyes. I glanced furtively at the phone on the
dresser and then back at him. Was I being paranoid?
Hey so we need to talk. Ive been saving up to go to
school after the summer and I need to know a few things first.
Whats up?
First, are you going to stay at UPS? Youve made a lot
of progress with them and to me it looks like they are grooming
you for leadership. Are you going to stay with the company,
maybe ask for a raise?! I asked him this question and a series of
other ones hoping to get a satisfactory response. It was foolish of
me at the time, altering my life to conform to his. We stayed up
that night for about two hours discussing our plans for the future.
It was decided that we would both go to school that fall; I would
pursue cosmetology and he would back and finish his G.E.D. He
had missed way too many days running errands for UPS and so
he had to retake the courses over. I was adamant that he go back
and finish. I wanted him to become a manager or a boss; you
know someone who ran things and in order to do that he needed
to have the education.
We drew up the plans to do everything in the upcoming
days and set timelines for execution, but unexpectedly it all
halted. Solomon, who had been so gung-ho on the ideas at first,

now was not in favor of anything we discussed. I was pissed but

tried to be supportive in spite of it. June flew by us quiet as we
both fought to get a hold of what was going on.
The first week of July he told me that he had to go to
Tennessee for a work related trip, a training session that focused
on team building and leadership skills. I smiled at the idea and
gladly complied, even offered to give him money if he needed it
but he refused. I was just glad that he was moving forward.
Things seemed to be coming together.
Solomon came back from the trip on July 6 th with a new
attitude. Motivated and daring, he pursued his job with a passion
I had never seen before. I should have known something was
wrong then, but I was young and in love.
As if things could not get worse not even two weeks
after Solomon returned, he suddenly told me that he wanted to be
my friend and not my man. I was sitting in the financial aid
office on campus when he sent me the text. I called his phone six
times but he referred it to voicemail each time. He continued
texting me, telling me that he had found someone else, someone
who supported him and made him feel the way he wanted to feel
as a man. He told me that he needed me to be his friend and
when I felt like I was ready to talk about it we could.
I stormed out of the building when I saw it, telling the
counselor I had to step out to take a call. The tears of pain I shed
turned to anger first: I had been stupid for so long, ignoring all
the signs. The woman he was leaving me for, Terica, had been

there the whole time. He had been seeing her during the course
of our relationship on and off presumably and when he saw that I
was going forward had decided to move forward without me. I
cried about our lost love alone and to my friends, but nothing
soothed the pain. I loved him perfectly and he loved himself the
same way. The minute he decided he wanted something else he
left without giving a second thought. It had all been too much.
The summer ended and before I knew it I found myself
in classes. The summer heartbreak stung, but I buried myself in
work to keep my mind off of it. I hadnt talked to Solomon in
about two months and had no intention of doing so. I was
committed to doing me and most of all to never allowing anyone
to make me feel the way he did. The hustle and bustle of life and
reality all crashed down on me that fall as I struggled to juggle
school and work. A full time class load, and the demands of my
job had me reeling in ways I had never imagined. To add to the
matters I had been feeling motion sick lately. Sporadic at first I
was beginning to experience the daily bouts of nausea more and
more frequently. I was unsure of what to do or think.
Suddenly everyone who had supported me before now
find themselves dealing with their own lives. I reached out to
Vera a few times over the course of the fall to speak and she
texted me back when she could. She had just started at Spelman
that year and so I understood. I had to stand on my own like I did
all those years earlier. I kept working my job and classes until
December arrived. Five months had passed and I still hadnt

spoken to Solomon. He and his girlfriend had literally been

together for about 5 five months when I found out that he had
proposed to her unexpectedly.
December 18th, 2010, Solomon Harris proposed to
Terrica Adams and announced to all of us that she was also three
months pregnant. I stared at the picture in disbelief; I couldnt
explain it then and I can hardly explain it now but I loved 2 men
in my life, one unconditionally and the other logically. You can
guess which by now Im certain. Ive been hurt for a long time
since Solomon left my life. The pain of it all simmers during the
year only to spill over during the winter, its sting lingering in my
wounds long after the pain ends. It has been years since we
dated, but I can honestly say though we werent meant to be
together I love him unconditionally.
Christmas break brought with it all of the students back
from college. I noticed how all of a sudden my phone was
blowing up with calls and text messages from classmates
anxious to grab lunch and turn up now. Vera hit me up first,
asking me if I wanted to grab lunch at a pizza restaurant in Little
Five Points. I was so glad to hear from someone else that cared
about me and so I gladly accepted. It was time for a much
needed girls vent.
I sat there at the table with Vera talking about life, pain
and pleasure all while drinking pink lemonade and dipping our
crusts in marinara sauce. I hadnt smiled in some time and so I
was pleased to know my cheeks worked still. My signature

dimples caught the eye of a guy in the restaurant who sat there
by himself. I stared at him quietly telling myself to talk to him
once I got a moment. Vera went to the restroom to wash up and I
put on the charm, smiling brightly with my dimples help. I
looked at him for a second before seeing his friend approach.
Harrison approached in his blazer and tie, the scent of
the Dior L Homme following him as he walked by. The look of
confusion on both our faces showed that this was indeed spur of
the moment. I stared at him as he sat down and waited for him to
speak. He recovered after some time and walked with me to my
seat back.
Hey Kayla. How have you been? Feels like I havent
seen you in forever.
Harrison how are you? I hugged him closely, lost in
the smell and feel of him for a second. I would not admit it but
being around him made me reminisce over what we shared.
Hows life for you? It seems like youre doing well.
I am. I just finished my first semester at Emory. Shit
was tough but I got through it. Had to fight them white girls off
me like naw I only deal with sisters. He laughed and I laughed
at the thought, playful banter coming from both of us for some
time. Vera had long since returned and had decided to spend that
time talking to Harrisons friend who sat by watching the scene
as well. We talked for some time before Harrison excused
himself. He paid his tab and we said goodbye, hugging each
other and smiling before we left. Vera and I watched as he and

his friend left. No sooner than they left we already begun talking
about it all, whispering and talking frantically as if we were
schoolgirls.
Girl did you see Harrison?
Yes bitch. He was looking good. I saw your thirsty ass
talking to him when I walked out the bathroom. I was about to be
petty and say some shit, but I kept quiet. If Roger and I wasnt
good right now I woulda got your ass! You lucky! I laughed at
Veras comments, side eyeing her as she spoke. I knew that
beneath the shade was love so I excused her for her ways.
Besides it wasnt about her. Harrison was doing well and looking
even better. I smiled at the thought. It was convoluted but if he
was happy I was happy for him. Love meant that if the person
you loved was happy you were happy for them even if that
meant that you could never be. I listened to Veras words as I
sipped my drink, but I cant recall any of it. The salad entre sat
there on the table collecting dust as I stared into the plate
thinking of it all. I had risked a lot for the chance to be
understood and valued. I had gained it all almost.