The Perks of Being Myself

This is going to be revelatory piece in the form of a paper, so I suppose if you do not
like things written in the form of essays or papers, this is not the format for you. However, I
choose this method to explain things because it is most authentic and most what I am
accustomed to, at this point in my life. I felt the need to write this so it is accessible to
everyone that wishes to read it, and so that it is not by word of mouth from anyone else, but
my own. Thankfully, Blair has afforded me the opportunity to reach this point in my own time,
despite wrestling with this on her own since it all came to light. Speaking to that, I want to
state, without as much bias as I can, that while I know some of you may have butted heads
with her in the past, I have never known someone so authentically caring, loyal and
intelligent. In any case, as much as I can write for pages and pages about Blair, that is not
the point of this. First and foremost, I am fine. No one in my life is hurt (thankfully), and
everyone is healthy. This is not about

that. What this is about, however, is the fact that I

have not been forthcoming about who I am as a person, and thats why I felt the need to pen
this for you all. Below, I will detail how I reached this point where I have been dishonest
about myself, why I felt the need to perpetuate this dishonesty, and where to go from here.
Again, very essay-like in terms of providing you with an outline and an understanding of
whats happening. Hell, I might even include a citation (APA, because thats what Ive been
using for the last few years).
Ill start from the beginning in that when I first started RPing, there were a wealth of
sites, though none had much longevity. Much like now, only I feel as though RP sites are
dwindling. In any case, when I started RPing, for me - as Im sure its the same for many of
you - it was a source of escapism. Perhaps for varying reasons. For me, life was never
exactly terrible. Though I did have certain inner conflicts that I do not need to outline here,
but they did lead me to develop an alias. I think a number of us present a persona online - to
some degree. Some exaggerate a little more than others. In any case, I started off with

creating said person. Layla - the online, snooty, snide, and, at times, crude persona was
tossed into the RP sphere. I did not want to be myself, which I suppose, in some capacity, is
the point of having characters. We embody different identities, and shape their lives in the
way that we want to, and afford them experiences we might wish we had, or those that we
do not, but wish to explore further. I think that is the beautiful part of being a storyteller. You
get to experiment, and that is not something we get to explore as much as we might like in
life.
For me, this storytelling did not begin with characters, but when I made this online
persona. When I did so, I certainly did not expect to be a part of a site and community that
would have such profound longevity. I did not expect to become a member of a group of
people that would begin to share their feelings, vulnerabilities and personal trajectories with
me over the years. However, that is precisely what happened. Though the original site many
of us found each other on did not persevere, the community did, and we have moved from
site to site (many of us, that is, but not all). With that perseverance also emerged new
expectations. Gaining an insight about each other became an expectation. A visual of with
whom we were conversing became an expectation. Even meeting - when proximity made
doing so viable - became an expectation. With that, an online name and persona became an
online visual, which, I will blatantly say, is not me. Again, Im not someone who is
disappointed or struggles with my appearance. If I have to be modest, I will say that I do not
see myself as unattractive at all. And this is not one of those beauty is in the eye of the
beholder situations, though I do believe that. However, even by society's standards, I
believe that I am quite alright in terms of physical appeal. I will (presumably) not be on the
cover of a magazine anytime soon, but Im not cowering in a dark and dank cellar either. I
like having my picture taken, and I like dressing up and having it memorialized in some
capacity. I tell you this because I do not want anyone to induce from my words that the
reason I fabricated my image was because I was insecure about how I look. That is not the

case. It was just a way to disassociate and buy into the character that I had made for myself.
A character that played other characters. Metaphysical. Escapist. The ironic thing about it
being a tactic of escapism, though, is that I eventually became caged.
When this all came to light with Blair, and I explained where I stood with things and
why I fabricated things, she acknowledged that it must have all felt lonely. And it was.
Extremely, in some instances. I do not say this to gain sympathy. Im not a victim. If
anything, it is all of you that have been victims of a lie from a person that you believed - to
some degree - you knew. As members, I know some of you have met. I know youve done
Skype calls. I know youve done voice calls. I know that you text. I know that you SnapChat.
Ive done all of those things, but never with any of you, and never as the person youve come
to know. I wished - every time that you guys talked about doing these things - that I could
partake, but at that point, I was already someone else. So when the opportunities to do
things like play Board Game Online, Cards Against Humanity, or Fibbage came up, I would
try to indulge in those opportunities. It felt, I imagine, how you might feel during those Skype
Calls or in Group Snapchats; I felt included.
Here, I also think it is important to stress that I am not someone that is longing for
friends. I am not a loner. I have many friends. A few close friends. I have a great family. I
have incredible peers. However, I did not expect to make such meaningful friendships
online, and certainly not through RP boards that dwindle and fade so consistently. And so, I
implore you to imagine what it might feel like to have friends in your real life, but never the
opportunity to spend time with them or see them, despite always texting them. I am sure
some of you have been in this situation or are currently experiencing it. That has essentially
been my reality since meeting you all. Again, I do not say this to receive a collective aww,
but to garner a collective understanding. However, the conversations I did have with many of
you about matters in your lives or even just menial little pleasantries about things you like or
do not like were of great intrinsic value to me.

When I spoke with Blair about music, personal struggles, or feelings in general, I felt
overwhelmingly connected. When I spoke with Jimmy about wrestling, Scream, Backstreet
Boys appreciation or his nightly exploits (girl, youre a mess), I found myself laughing each
and every time. When I spoke with Nada about her life at work, or when I spoke to her about
how hard it was to see my brother go back to California, she was (and continues to be) the
most reassuring and loving person that I know. Arguably. I know one person in my personal
life that is essentially your personality twin, and I cherish her as much as I have cherished
those conversations that we have shared. When I have chatted with Demi and Becky, I have
always appreciated your light-heartedness, or - at times - your passive aggressiveness.
There are many of you that I have come to know. Some more than others, and so what has
hurt the most, I suppose, is that you have not known me. I have not shared things with you
that I wish I could have, but because of my fabrication from the get-go, I robbed myself of the
opportunity by paradoxically caging myself in my attempts to escape from life.
I did not get to tell you about the time I met Carrie Underwood and had a photo taken
with her because I could not disseminate it to you, as the initial person I pretended to be was
not in that photo. I did not tell you about going to California and seeing the Piece of Me show
(which was outstanding, mind you). I did not tell you about the fact that I started doing my
PhD a year and a half ago, and have been fortunate enough to be published because then
that would open up a doorway into you reading my work, seeing my name, and resultantly,
being made aware of the fact that I am not who I have said that I am, and that was probably
the toughest of all. If you could imagine, for a moment, having achievements you are so
proud of, and not being able to share them with people in your life that you know would be
extremely happy for you. Of course, I shared those achievements with people in my
immediate - tangible - life, but I could not do that with you guys. It - to break out of the
formalized language - fucking sucked.

I know some of you may not forgive me for this. Others may genuinely not care at all.
I know some of you may downright hate me and find it all inexcusable. And that is fair and
understandable. All I can tell you is that it never started out as something that was meant to
be hurtful or as convoluted as it inevitably became. I had not anticipated that a dissociative
hobby would become something that I wanted to be a part of my true, lived experience. By
the time that happened, it was too far gone for me to try to repair it. Instead, I perpetuated it
and fed into fabrication. Im glad that I can be upfront with you all now. Im glad that you now
know the truth. I want to tell you more. I want to share every Piece of Me (ha) that I can, but I
also do not feel ready to do that, despite feeling as though I owe it to you, given the
circumstances. This, in and of itself, was truly a tremendous step. I feel the anxiety of it all
flooding away from me, and that has been extremely relieving.
If you do not forgive me, I understand. If you do, I appreciate that more than you can
ever understand. At this point, I do feel I have to step away from the site - for the time being.
I have considered starting over with a clean slate, but my heart - truly, my h
eart - hurts too
much everytime that I have considered it. I have taken the past few days, going back and
forth, in deciding what I want to do and how I would like to proceed. I want nothing more than
to continue RPing with you all because it truly is a hobby that I enjoy. I also know that it will
be hard for me to do so at this point. And maybe it might even be difficult for some of you,
too. Some of you have sent me messages hoping that I am alright, and each of those made
me cry because you each deserve better than what youve been given. I know that this
decision is going to hurt some of you - maybe personally, or conversely, plot-wise and leave
you uncertain with how to proceed. All I can say is that I hope you can find a way to carry
forward with all of your characters and your plots, and certainly with your own feelings about
the matter Because things change. And friends leave. And life doesnt stop for anybody
(Chbosky, 1999, p. 145). And more than that, I hope the site perseveres too, because I know
all of the admins, and all of you - as a collective - have worked hard to make it something

beautiful. I know that some of us have had conflict. I know that some of us - on occasion have a low tolerance for one another. However, at the end of the day, you truly have no idea
how important every person is in this community until you are faced with the need to turn
away from them. I will genuinely miss each and every one of you. Im sorry for hurting you.
Im sorry for lying to you. Im sorry if I have ever said anything hurtful or cutting to you in the
past. Life is already cruel enough, the last thing we need is for an online community to be an
arena of hostility and rife with personal struggle. I suppose that is another reason I have
decided to step away. In light of the revelations, I do not want to make anyone feel
uncomfortable with my presence. I want you all to feel at ease, as much as possible, on the
site.
If you do want to contact me, I will provide you guys with an e-mail
(apokaIypsis@outlook.com) where you can send me anything at anytime. I know that feels
almost archaic, but it will have to do for now. Perhaps, at a certain point, I might feel ready to
return, if you are open to receiving me. Perhaps I will not. All I can say is that I feel honoured
and privileged to have known each and every single one of you. Thank you for sharing
pieces of yourself with me. Thank you for engaging with me and weaving beautiful narratives
with me. Thank you for breathing life into not only the characters and dynamics weve built
together, but also into my own life. Your collaboration and your devotion has been inspiring.
Knowing that you would be there after a long day (or even at the start of a day), often offered
the viability of facing the/another day. It has, with - finally - genuine truth, been a pleasure.