Grace

by: muhammad asep yudhistira

The sun was shining. Birds were singing, and flying all over the sky. There stood
Grace, a young woman in her early twenties, below a tree. She was playing with her long
dark hair while watching leaves falling from the tree. She could smell the fresh air from the
grass. Yeah, last night there had been a rain. Pretty heavy for a dry season, she had thought.
She knew she was waiting for someone.
Just in the next seconds, a young fourteen years old boy with a very pale skin ran
from the door towards the gate. The alarm was blaring. He was wearing an American flag as a
cloak to cover his shirtless body. Instinctively, Grace chased him, with other young people
chased after him too. Panting, Grace finally got his hand before he could reach the gate. She
tried to calm him. It was the fifth time this week. Grace sighed. The sun was still shining. The
sunshine brightly fell on her face.
Grace was a young counselor who worked for Chalant. It was a foster care that looks
after troubled teenagers. That American-flag-cloaked boy, named Noah, was only one of
them. She still has Nina, Shay, Joseph, Mason, John... But none of them was as troubled as
Noah, and Jayden.
Jayden was a new intake. She came just yesterday morning. Its written in her report
that shes a cutter, means that she cuts herself everytime shes stressed and devastated. Jayden
is a very unfriendly and cynic kid. A week ago, she just bit her therapists nose. Even when
she first came here, she had called Shay a bitch just because she didnt like Shays look to
her.
No cussing! You know the rule! No scissors, no razors, no closing the door, and...
Grace had said that moment, only to be interrupted by Jayden.
And no fucking freedom.
Grace only sighed. She would change eventually, thought her.

Somehow, Grace saw some of her in Jayden. She knew, from the bottom of her heart,
that theres something unreachable beyond Jaydens dark heart.
Grace went to the treatment room. Noah was sitting in his bed. Tears were shed from
his eyes. Grace sat beside him, and asked him, Whats going on?
I dont know. I need to clear my head, said him.
Its the fifth time this week. I dont know what happened to you. Would you tell
me?
Noahs mouth was still closed.
Okay. So what would you tell me about Grace took a small plastic bag from her
pocket, then continued, this?
Noah looked at the bag, and turned his face away just in the next second. He had put
the bag so carefully inside the hole on his bed, and he never thought that Grace would find it.
Drugs. Again? Do you realize this will make your ass get thrown into juvie for the, I
dont know, hundredth time?
I aint scared of no shit.
Im not saying you should be scared. All Im saying that, getting thrown into jail
again is not what you want to do. Its not what youre supposed to belong. Its not what
youre supposed to go into after this foster. Look, theres more to life beside these drugs. So
many things you can do.
Noah looked at Grace, and immediately stood up. He went outside the room. Grace
sighed. She understood what Noah was looking for. Noah was looking for freedom, but he
was running in a wrong way. Even his idea of freedom is wrong in any way.
Her phone rang suddenly, broke the silence. She took it. She listened to the woman in
the phone, and tears were shed from her eyes. She cant bear it. That woman told her that her
dad will be out of the prison soon, and something in her heart moved. She cried.
Grace rode her bike around the town. Her head is full of problems that hasnt cleared
yet. She knew she had to, but how? Her kids, her dad, and her baby... Yes, she just found out

this morning. Shes pregnant, and shes too afraid to tell her long-time boyfriend, Kevin,
about that. Well, she has always been.
She had thought about an abortion earlier, but would it be good for Kevin? It certainly
is good for her. She has had too many burden on her shoulders. Removing one is certainly
something for her.
She looked at the moon. It shone perfectly gold.
The next morning, Grace received a call that informed her about Jayden. Jayden will
be picked up by her dad every Saturday, starting tomorrow. Grace went to her room, and she
saw her sitting in her bed, drawing something. Grace patted Jaydens shoulder.
Hey.
Jayden looked at Grace, with an unfriendly look as usual.
Have you known? About your dad?
Indifferently, she nodded.
Grace looked at Jaydens sketchbook. Awesome drawing, Grace said, praising
Jaydens work.
Dont. Its crap, Jayden responded.
You called that crap? Well, I am jealous, chuckled Grace.
Jayden chuckled, too. Grace looked at Jaydens small smile, and she felt happy to see
Jayden smiling. At least she can smile, Grace thought.
Grace saw Jaydens calendar that was hung in the wall. There are drawings of penises
in that calendar, and suddenly Grace remembered that tomorrow would be Jaydens birthday.
Grace looked at Jayden, and Jayden has been back to focus on her drawing. Grace smiled, she
knew what would she do.
Grace went to see Noah in the treatment room.
How are you sleeping? asked her.
Like crap.

Grace sighed. This week has been so bad for Noah. He never showed that friendly
smile he always had. He has been trying to run away for five times. And she found his drugs
on his bed.
Just tell me if you need anything, okay?
Grace went outside, but she heard Noah shouting her name.
What again?
I-I need to clear my head. I want to shave it, said Noah.
Grace smiled, and she took Noah to the shaving room.
The shaving room felt as hot as hell. Noah thought that the heater was uncontrollable,
but soon he realized that its not the heater. Its himself.
How do you think? asked Grace to Noah about his new hairstyle after she shaved
his head.
Its good. I feel fresh. But these problems... These problems in my head hasnt been
cleared yet. Its still there, said Noah. He looked at the ground. Hes not brave enough to see
Graces fierce eyes.
Shaving your head wont make those problems disappear. But clearing your heart
will.
Grace left Noah in the shaving room. Noah thought about Graces words. He knew
Grace would understand.
In the night, Kevin took Grace to a cafe where they first meet. This cafe made her
recall every moment that she and Kevin had had. Suddenly she remembered about her baby.
She had decided not to tell Kevin about that, because she had planned an appointment for an
abortion. She didnt want to hurt him. Kevin has been too good for her. And suddenly, Grace
felt very vile. She wanted to say how sorry she is to Kevin, but she guessed that it was too
late.
After they had finished their meal, Kevins muscled hands took hold of Graces.
You know why do I took you here? Its not our anniversary, right? asked Kevin.

Grace shook her head.

You know, Im not a man of many words, so Ill just say it right now. You know that
I love you so much that I had promised I would be here for you until the end. You know that
my heart is a ship without captain who will always know where it will be docked. Your heart.
Will you marry me? asked him, smiling very wide, showing a ring in his other hand for
Grace.
There was a moment of silence in the cafe. But that was a moment of shock for Grace.
Every detailed fragments of her memory with Kevin were turned all over in her head just like
a movie that never stops.
That silence was finally broken by one word full of meaning by Grace, Yes.
And Grace spent the rest of the night with an overjoyed Kevin, feeling very guilty
about her dishonesty.
The next morning, she woke up very early. She had set the alarm clock an hour
earlier. Immediately, she arose and she went to the kitchen. She was baking cupcakes for
Jaydens birthday today. While she was waiting for the cupcakes to be fairly cooked, she
made a drawing of Jaydens face. After everythings done, she woke other kids earlier than
usual then asked them to make a birthday card for Jayden.
An hour later, she woke Jayden up.
Happy birthday, said Grace. Open your eyes, continued her.
Jayden smiled. Her room wall is now full of birthday cards made by the foster kids,
and theres a drawing of her face in the middle. Jayden looked at it carefully, and saw a word
written there, Love.
You made it? suspected Jayden. Grace smiled.
Its very good. And, thank you so much. For everything, Jaydens smile widely
opened and she hugged Grace. Grace felt glad, then she guided Jayden outside, where the
other kids celebrated Jaydens birthday.

Make a wish, said Grace before Jayden blew all the candles on the cupcakes. And
that morning was filled by a wondrous party in the foster. Jayden looked at Graces eyes, and
she whispered with a very wide smile in her pretty face, Thank you again.
You better wait. Your dad will be picking you up, said Grace to Jayden.
But, Jaydens father swallowed his words and didnt come to pick Jayden up. Jayden
was devastated, and she cut her own skin with her nail, unknown to Grace. After four hours
of waiting, Jayden ran to her room, crying, and closing the door so hard. Grace smelled
something bad would happen, and she knew it would. She just knew.
Grace went to the room, but when she wanted to open it, Jayden had been pushing on
the door.
Jayden, come on. You know you cant keep the door closed. Hey, look. Im really
sorry about your dad. But I believe shell be picking you up soon.
Grace was afraid that Jayden would cut herself again, and she called other counselors.
Together, they tried to open it, but Jayden wouldnt let it. She kept screaming.
Jayden, come on. Please open the door. If you opened the door, then we wont bother
you anymore. If you wont open the door, then well force it, said Grace.
Jayden screamed. They forced to open the door, then two male counselors took hold
of her.
Fuck you! Let go of me, you assholes! Get the fuck out of my room! screamed
Jayden.
Youre going to be okay, Jayden. Its going to be okay, said Grace, tried to calm her,
just like how she usually do it with other kids.
Yes, Im okay, bastard!
She spat at one of the male counselors.
I hate you. I hate you, whimpered her.
Fine. You dont have to like me right now. Just let it pass, said Grace.

Youre doing good. Youre doing really good, Grace stroked Jayden. And that
calmed her. Grace sighed in relief. She could see that her drawing in the middle of the wall
has fallen, because Jayden had pushed herself there. But the magic word, Love is still there.
And it wouldnt be vanished.
At the night, things were getting really messy. Grace was checking everybody in their
room, and she was surprised not to find Noah in his room. Instead, she found spotted blood
on the ground and the window glass is broken. Shes getting panic, and tried to find Noah in
every other room. She finally found him in the bathroom, lying, whispering, Im good,
Grace. Im good.
He opened up his hand, showing the broken glass. Full of blood. Grace was shocked,
and realized that theres something wrong about Noah. She folded his hand back and saw
blood kept coming out from his hand. He had tried to kill himself. Grace shouted to call other
counselors, and with tears in her eyes, she called the ambulance. She felt that she had failed
to control him.
Then she went to check the other rooms. The glow of spirit in her face gradually
disappear, as Noahs face turned all over in her head. Nothing she could do, except praying
and praying. When she went into Jaydens room, she found a diary that she has never seen. Its
dark violet colour was so inviting. She opened it up. Every sheets she opened, every inch of
her heart was broken. She was shocked.
Then, suddenly, she heard the alarm blaring. Another AWOL. Grace ran to chase that
AWOL kid, only to find out that it was Jayden.
Can you stop? Im running out of breath, said Grace.
Remember the rule. You, counselors, cant touch the kids outside the gate.
Well, can I walk with you?
Walk all you want, but Im never going back there.
After she finally was in the same line with Jayden, she made bold to ask her.
Did your dad ever hurt you?
Jayden stopped. Her face form changed. She didnt say anything.

Does he still hurt you?

Tears were coming out of Jaydens eyes, and theres nothing Grace can do. She
hugged her, and she knew it would calm her.
But there were still some things to settle for Grace. She went to Kevins house, and
told him the truth, that he actually didnt want to marry him. That she was pregnant and she
had planned for an abortion. Kevin cried, and Grace felt very guilty, but she knew that it
would be the best for both of them.
She looked at the moon. It shone perfectly gold.
The next morning, she went to the hospital to see Noah.
How are you feeling? asked her.
Im good, Grace.
Awesome. You know, Im sorry about your dad. Its going to be okay.
Grace just found out last night, after Nate, one of the male counselors, told him. Noah
was acting really strange this week because the Saturday he tried to kill himself was the day
when his father had killed himself the year before. And she knew that it hurts. Noah knew,
too, that Grace would understand.
Grace stroked Noahs face, then went out to see Jayden in the park. She showed
Jayden her scars from cutting herself, many years ago.
I was a cutter, she said.
Why? asked Jayden, surprised.
My mom died. My father also abused me. Both physically and sexually. Made me
pregnant. And I was in the court. I didnt know what to say, so I just said it. And I sent him to
prison. Ten years, I guess. Cant hide how hurt and guilty I was.
Grace was trying hard not to cry.
Its impossible to think about anything else when theres blood coming out of you,
right? asked her rhetorically.

He made me hate to open up to boys. He made me hate pregnancy. More

importantly, he made me hate myself. But I had changed. I knew that there was more to life.
So I went outside and I seek it. I was trying to find happiness. And thank God, I found it. In
you kids.
She took a beautiful flower and put it in Jaydens long blonde hair.
Report it, before its too late, said Grace. She could see her own shadow in the
ground. She smiled.
So, the next morning, everything was becoming great again. Jayden had reported her
dad to the police, and she went back to the foster. Noah had gone back to the foster, and went
back normal, as fit as a fiddle. Grace and Kevin had promised to still become friends. And,
Grace was ready to open her heart up for her dad again.
The sun was shining. Birds were singing, and flying all over the sky. Grace stood
below a tree. She was playing with her long dark hair while watching leaves falling from the
tree.
She knew she was waiting for someone. And shes sure that it wasnt Noah. Shes just
so sure about it.

Semarang, October 5th 2014