Philanders Most Splendiferous Source of News and Gossip.
Vol. 7, Issue 8 April 24, 2015
Inside This Issue A Retraction
the reader(s) of the Kenyon
Drama Major Breaks Fifth To
Collegiate:
Wall; Implodes Universe
Record Three Students Not
Honored at Honors Day
Sophomores Artsy Insta-
gram Post Resolves Border
Immigration Conflict The spirit of our paper is not to ma-
Senior with First Lottery
Number Picks Mather, Buys
Fedora
Sendoff T-Shirt Logo Re-
placed with More Detailed
Penis Photograph
Hipster Actually Pleased Sincerely yours,
with the Snow The Staff of the Collegiate
Admissions Achieves Target
Acceptance Rate of 0%
by Kat Schrodinger
RANSOM HALL -- According to
statistics released last week, the Ad-
missions Office has achieved their
long-term goal of accepting 0% of
applicants.
From a record-breaking number
of applications, said Jana Doolilly,
Director of Rejection, we were de-
lighted to accept exactly zero students
to the Class of 2019. To celebrate,
weve replaced the popular Thumbs
Up! program with a Thumbs Down!
program. Programming includes ad-
ditional rejection letters sent in giant,
fancy packaging designed for ulti-
mate disappointment. We have also
planned a Cabaret for Nobody.
The Kenyon administration has re-
cently made controversial changes to
the application process. Most notably,
for the Class of 2018, the application
no longer included a supplement; re-
quiring only the Common App.
th e k e n yon collegiate
The Sendoff Issue
An earlier version of this issue,
briefly released yesterday morning,
contained an article based around
notable Kenyon graduate Graham
Gund 63. Intended for humor, the
article dipped instead into ad homi-
nem, and has been substituted.
lign or attack; we aim to laugh with,
not to laugh at. We wish to reiterate
that we, like the rest of the Kenyon
community, appreciate what Mr.
Gund has done and continues to do
for our campus.
We wish to offer our apologies, and
our reassurance that we will be
more discerning with our treatment
of public figures in the future.
After the supplement was struck in
Fall 2013, Admissions responded to
the question on all students minds:
Why? From a prepared statement,
Doolilly read, Barriers to application
like additional essays, lists of activi-
ties, and the ability to read and write,
are all pointless and stupid. People are
ignoring the goal: a higher number of
applicants will give us a higher-quali-
ty selection pool, and we will be able
to reject them with far less regret,
thanks to our decreased knowledge of
their actual personalities.
Now, over a year later, Admissions
has sent a record number of rejection
letters. This, Doolilly said Satur-
day, represents the pinnacle of our
achievements here at Admissions.
Our 0% acceptance rate represents
our entrance into the highest, most
elite tier of colleges in the United
States. This obviously makes us bet-
ter than Harvard. Look at the num-
bers.
Senior Art Major Displays Exhibition of His Own Dick
by Calvin Thrust
GUND GALLERY --
Since the dawn of homo
sapiens to the philosophi-
cal ingniosit of Freud,
Lacan, and iek, the phal-
lus has been the subject of
deeply reflexive interpreta-
tion, says Director Natalie
Marsh on Gund Gallerys
recent exhibition of 236
works, among them, paint-
ings, sculptures, selfies,
ornamental staves, and one
significance ascribed to the works.
burial vessel, all in the shape of the While I understand that future ma-
penis of art major Richard Hedd 15.
jors may be upset by my exhibition
Named Bigger Isnt Better, Hedds replacing their little senior show, my
work is -- ironically, perhaps -- the body of work is simply too important
largest student showcase to date. Due to be dismissed, said Hedd. It has
to resounding positive reception, the
nothing to do with winning back my
Gallery directors have announced that ex-girlfriend after she left me due to
the exhibition will make an annual ap-
my inability to maintain an erection.
pearance falling on the days normally That definitely did not happen.
allocated to the Senior Art Exhibition. The exhibition, including critically
The Gallery has ignored student re-
sponse due to the postmodern artistic Continued on page 2.
Whiteness Project Helps Lizard Elite Continue
to Disguise Presence from Unsuspecting Humans
by Miguel ngel Kill
COMMUNITY FOUNDATION
THEATRE -- Students flocked to
the Community Foundation Theatre
this Wednesday to participate in the
multi-platform Whiteness Project,
which discussed whiteness as an eth-
nic identity, the concept of white-
ness itself, as well as how to stop the
humans from realizing that they are
controlled by an reptilian elite. from what role caucasian Americans
I really enjoyed the presentation, should be playing in ongoing race is-
said Molly Morgans 15. It was so sues as well as how to hide scales un-
nice to be able to express opinions derneath summer dresses and shorts.
I dont normally feel comfortable George Jansen told the Collegiate
sharing: how Ive always wanted to that the Whiteness Project had been
be part of the discussion of race in a beneficial experience. Sometimes
America, but dont feel like I deserve its just so hard to fool my human
a voice, and also how best to control friends into thinking I have meat
the minds of the flesh humans. hands instead of claws, especially
Students responded well to the
project, and discussions ranged Continued on page 2.
1
A L U M N I S P O T L I G H T:
Ralph Garfield 96, Creator of Twitter Account @HarryStylesDickSquad
by Barb Lardlarp
CAPLES RESIDENCE HALL -- The
basement of Caples Hall filled to ca-
pacity last Tuesday with students ea-
ger to hear career advice from alum-
nus Ralph Garfield 96, best known
for creating the highly successful One
Direction fan twitter account @Har-
ryStylesDickSquad.
Garfield, who is happily married
with two children, cited the abil-
ity to telecommute and wide-ranging
connections as two big perks of his
position. Ive met people all over
the world through this career path,
Garfield boasted. For example, @
MrsKaelynnStyles1234 is a twelve-
year-old girl who lives in New Jer-
sey, while @1DIsTheOnlyD4Me is
a forty-three-year-old divorcee from
Brazil. Its opened me up to so many
different people and opportunities.
Garfield initially became interest-
ed in tweeting at the boy band profes-
sionally when his then-twelve-year-
old daughter Isabella was suspended
from school following a disagree-
ment with a classmate about One
Directions romantic entanglements.
At first I was concerned and disap-
POV: My Summer Standoff
by Wayne Dusty Urp
I heard there was trouble a-brewin
between a bicycle rustler and Sher-
iff Dick at the Breezeway. I was all
the way in Old Ma Unitys Board-
ing House, so I hopped on my nag, a
vintage 10-speed Schwinn, and made
for Mather. But when I got there, alls
I found was a clump of empty Papa
Johns boxes tumblin in the wind.
I took a swig from my hip flask,
right there in the open--this here
boom town of Gambier was a law-
less place, to say the least. I saw my
handsome mug in the purple plastic
bottom of my flask, and realized I
needed a refill. The local barkeep,
Phil Abramovitz from my Quest for
Justice class, sure knew how to run
a honky-tonk saloon, and I knew he
was down South for the day. Me and
my bike lit off for good Ol Kenyon at
a brisk trot. I had to abandon my loyal
steed at Hells Gate so he couldnt be
struck lame by gravel in the gears,
and then damned if I didnt get the in-
fernal pebbles stuck in my spurs.
I arrived at the Southern Quadran-
2 p l e a se r ec yc le is s ue befo r e o r a fter r ea d i n g 
pointed, but the more research I did,
the more I realized Bella was right,
Garfield explained. Louis and Harry
would complement each other per-
fectly, both intellectually and sexu-
ally. It just snowballed from there.
If Garfield had to pick some-
thing in his portfolio hes proudest
of, it would probably be my 563rd
WHEN ARE YOU COMING TO
CLEVELAND?!??? tweet, Garfield
said, adjusting his limited-edition 1D
snapback. That was back in 12. It
was an important one because Liams
then-girlfriend Danielle Peazer favor-
ited it. Ive got it framed next to my
diploma.
If I have any advice, its to never
give up, Garfield said. Just keep
tweeting LOUIS PLS FOLLOW ME
gle and laid eyes on Beau, my beau.
I should say, my ex-beau, Beau. And
what did I see but my old flame hand
n hand with the bicycle rustler him-
self! It seemed like just a blue moon
ago I was swingin my partner round
and round, and Beau and I were yell-
in TIMBER. The last time I had seen
him was when he up and left me for
another boy at Old Man Weavers cot-
tage. But now we locked eyes, and I
knew this neon orange corral werent
big enough for the both of us. What
wed got here was a summer standoff.
MY HAMSTER JUST DIED AND I
KNOW YOU WOULD OF WANT-
ED YOU TO FOLLOW ME PS MY
HAMSTERS NAME WAS ALSO
LOUIS, and someday, who knows?
Louis might even retweet you.
Dont listen to the haters, Gar-
field, who while at Kenyon was a var-
sity basketball player and a member
of Beta Theta Pi, advised. No matter
how many times a thirteen-year-old
Niam shipper from Portugal tells you
to kill yourself, you have to stay true
to whichever two members of One
Direction you believe are cultivating
a secret homosexual relationship.
When asked about former band
member Zayn Maliks recent depar-
ture from the group, Garfields ex-
pression grew murderous. We dont
say the Z-word in this house, he
said. The Z-word is dead to us.
At press time, Garfield was crack-
ing his knuckles, diving into a plate
of his wifes homemade chocolate
chip cookies, and beginning to draft
the following tweet: HARRY U
SING LIKE AN ANGLE PLEASE
RETWEET & FOLLOW I LOVE
YOU PS WHEN ARE YOU COM-
ING TO CLEVELAND!?!??!?
Beau grabbed his can of Bud and
I grabbed mine. We measured thirty
paces apart, and on the count of three,
we shotgunned em. Im proud to say
that I drew first.
But at the end of the day, Beau still
rode off into sunset handfast with that
varmint. I retrieved my steed and set
off down the Gap Trail with only the
dust cloud I kicked up for company.
Its a lonesome life bein a Kenyon
Kowboy.
I just wish I knew how to quit Bud
Light, and him.
From Dick, page 1.
acclaimed pieces such as An Estimat-
ed 18 Million Men in the U.S. Alone,
I Could Stay Hard If Youd Lose 15
Pounds, and I Am Going To Kill Your
Lover Ron, frames the penis as both
subject and object, conceptually de-
constructing binaries such as the soci-
etal implications of possessing an ab-
horrently infinitesimal schlong. In his
mixed-media work The Imperfect En-
joyment, Hedd confronts his infantile
fear of time through the depiction of
a broadsword impaling a grandfather
clock. The second hand ominously
points to 43 seconds, symbolically
reflecting the joint paradox of prema-
ture climax and ennui through pas-
tiche (an obvious hearkening towards
his mentor, Walter Gropius).
I hope my work will be appreci-
ated for generations to come, Hedd
added, until one day we might reach
an era of post-human catharsis, in
which I may escape my wretched
mortal form and simply be a brain
floating in a jar, with a massive ex-
ternal dildo relaying streams of data
into my hypothalamus, my pleasure
center. A world devoid of the need for
art, or the touch of a woman.
The exhibition continues until May
10th. Patrons of all ages are invited.
From Lizard Elite, page 1.
when trying to open jars. I never real-
ized how much more I could be doing
to help the fight against injustice and
also that I need to blink more so as
not to raise suspicion.
Matthew Hughey, author of White
Bound and member of the High Sau-
ropod Council, discussed at length
how to live amongst unsuspect-
ing meatbags and control their lives
from the shadows, as well as the ever
changing role of white-identifying
Americans in todays society.
Their minds are gooey and weak,
but the flesh men are not to be taken
lightly. Do not let them take your
temperature and discover that you are
not warm blooded. If you are caught,
summon the Dark Ones with your
lizard cries and they will dispose of
the victim before they can alert the
human governments to our presence.
The Office of Diversity, Equity,
and Inclusion said they were eager
to do more events like the Whiteness
Project in the future. A spokesperson
said they were already working on a
screening called Human Problems:
Having People Faces and Being
People which is already projected
to spark discussion and discourse
amongst students and faculty alike.
2
Freshman and Science Quads Revealed Poetry Showcase: How Softly Fall the
to Be Thigh Muscles of Hill Giant Rains of Spring (Upon that Biotch Lindsay)
by Ord Dimmesdale
FRESHMAN QUAD -- In a stunning
turn of events, it has been discovered
that the Freshman and Science quads of
Kenyon College are in fact the powerful,
throbbing upper leg muscles of an earth
giant indigenous to central Ohio.
I had some suspicions after the first
few earthquakes that something was
afoot, said Jackson Squarlish 18, resi-
dent of Lewis Hall. I dug out my old
seismograph to measure the tremors, but
instead of usual vibrations, it picked up
some humanlike grumbles and the re-
frain from what I deduced was a Nordic
sea shanty.
Squarlishs roommate, Jack Eittach
18, added, I feel kind of weird know-
ing that weve been living on the thigh
of another dude. Like, what if its the
inner thigh? Now I feel weird about all
those times I sat outside on the grass.
Were our upper legs touching? Im not
cool with that.
The giant, presumed to have been
slumbering beneath Gambier for over
two hundred years, has recently begun
the process of awakening. Giants are
basically very big humans, explained
Anthropology professor and giant en-
thusiast David Suggs. What we have
here is a classic male specimen, possibly
originating from Scandinavia, who has
The Class of 2015: Oh, the Places Theyll Go!
Name: Rick Banannas
Major: Slight but Perpetual
Malaise
Interests: Nothing is interesting.
Nothing is original. Nothing is
anything.
Whats in his future?
Multiple divorces, alcoholism,
reckless drunk driving, crippling
disappointment, and prison for
petty theft!
c o lle g i ate@kenyon.ed u 3
a Sonnet by Kat Schrodinger
How softly fall the rains of spring tonight,
Upon that biotch Lindsay Ellen Grace.
The sweetning purple of the dim twilight
illuminates her awful fucking face.
These days, the vicious winter winds are spent;
instead, a springtime breeze brings buds to bloom ...
would you believe that fucker Lindsay went
and hooked up with my boyfriend in my room?
Like, who the fuck thinks, Thats a good idea!
amidst these beauteous days of April sun?
I hope she contracts violent diarrhea,
ingrained himself into the landscape of
rural Ohio. while drinking Miller Lite alone at 1.
Not everyone is dismayed by the dis-
covery that their campus perches pre- This dewy weather ushers in the new,
cariously atop a large and filthy man,
however. A new fraternity, the Thigh except my hate for Lindsay, tried and true.
Taus, has formed and its members are
in the process of mapping out the re-
mainder of the hill giants body parts.
I always thought Peirce looked rather
phallic, commented fraternity president
Gershwin Peterson 16. Now I guess I
know why.
Name: Cate Yang Name: Bryan Jennings Name: Andrea Canterbeard
Major: Deliberately Avoiding Major: Drama-then-IPHS-then- Major: Math and Economics; mi-
Eye Contact English-then-Liberal-Arts nors in English, MLL, and Music
Interests: environmentalism; Interests: Jacking off in every Interests: Im juggling so many
liberalism; reaffirming current academic building hobbies! But Ive been focused
beliefs on finishing my honors thesis.
Whats in her future? Whats in his future? Whats in her future?
Three failed business ventures, Half a decade in a cubicle, two Working in Admissions!
four children who are not loved decades in a different cubicle,
equally, and five colonoscopies! and six months spent desperately
chasing lost youth!
Human Female Wears Sundress
by Kat Schrodinger
MIDDLE PATH -- Sources report
that a human female was spotted Sun-
day wearing a sundress. The human
females legs, thanks to the sundress
length of approximately thirty-nine
inches, were largely visible. Sources
added that the human females knees
were crinkly at the front and were
supported by her calves, which ended
in a pair of ankles.
Beneath the straps of the human
females sundress sat two shoulders,
each in close proximity to both a pair
of collarbones and the neck, which
was centrally located above the ster-
num and below the brain cavity. Re-
ports show that the shoulders moved
when the human female walked, and
remained relatively more still when
she did not walk.
The sundress on the human female
proved an irritation as the human
female left Peirce Hall; the fabric
bunched up between her backpack
and the flesh of her human body, and
therefore showed a few more square
inches than usual of the skin, which
is the largest organ in the mammal
homo sapiens.
Though this information has not
been verified, eyewitnesses suspect
that beneath the front of the human
females sundress were a pair of
breasts. Past the skin of the breast is
fatty tissue that can often assist hu-
man females in breastfeeding; behind
that are the pectoral muscles, which
NEWS IN BRIEF
Proponent of Five-Second Rule Film Students Actor Choices
adhere quite closely to the ribcage.
Inside the ribcage of the human
female who wore the sundress on
Sunday, it has been widely suggested
that a heart was beating steadily, with
a range somewhere between 40 and
100 beats per minute. In addition --
within the confines of the sundress,
many layers of skin, and muscular
and fat tissues alike -- a pair of func-
tioning lungs provided sufficient
oxygen for the human female not to
asphyxiate and go into cardiac arrest.
The human female walked with a
slight limp, due to a track injury sus-
tained six months before while she
trained for the 400 meter dash. Also
visible on the human female were a
pair of scars on her upper left arm,
one procured from diving to catch a
frisbee when the human female was
thirteen years old, one procured from
the human females family cat, Snuf-
fums, who passed away last month
at the age of fourteen. The human
female received the news about her
cat from her mother after leaving a
seminar for her major, which is his-
tory, and let herself into the bathroom
to think about the time she had shared
with the cat. She did not cry, because
he had been sick for a while and they
had been expecting it, but she was
still sad. On the Sunday in question,
she was thinking about Snuffums
quite a bit, as he enjoyed being out-
side during springtimes.
One eyewitness reported, Dude,
shes fucking hot.
WANTED ADS; LOST & FOUND; PERSONALS
FOR HIRE: Housing
Lottery Assassin
Will pay $500 for a quiet, efficient
elimination of the first 38 lottery num-
bers in the rising sophomore class. If
interested, please meet behind the
chemical sheds by the science quad.
Sniper rifle preferred; knife or less
traditional methods also acceptable.
WANTED: Fur Therapy
Will pay up to $20 to play with a
puppy or kitten. Will pay up to $10
to play with an older dog or cat. Will
pay up to $5 to play with a dead dog
or cat. Will pay $1 for the skin of the
raccoon that keeps wandering around
the front of your New Apt.
WANTED: Validation
Will pay a quarter for every compli-
ment provided. Suggested topics in-
clude facial regions, choice of major,
future prospects, current GPA, and
breast size. $5 extra provided if com-
pliments are given in public.
WANTED: Genitalia
Do you exist? Do you have a dick?
How about a vagina? Something
else? Please, God, let me touch your
genitals. I wont pay you, that would
be weird. Just let this be your good
deed for the day, how about that?
Please. I need human contact. Finals
are closing in like hunters around
their prey and all I can think about is
getting laid. I am fucking deprived.
And fucking-deprived. Help.
LOST: ALL PHI KAPS
Every Phi Kap has been reported
missing. It has been five months since
any Phi Kap was heard from; how-
ever, this was deemed normal behav-
ior. If you know the whereabouts of
any Phi Kaps, please inform Campus
Safety.
FOUND: That Ass
Ohh, damn, girl. DAMN. Damn, look
at that ass. Mm. Move that thing. Shit.
Hell yeah. Dude, check out the ass on
this girl. Ow! What was that for?
20-Year-Old Girl Seeking
Sensitive Frat Boy
Do you have brothers who dont
share your genetic code? Do you play
pong four nights a week? Do you like
reading and snuggling and talking
about the future and looking at pic-
tures of the ocean? Do you look back
fondly on being hazed? Do you cry at
the end of Titanic and look down at
your collared shirt with like, a little
bit of embarrassment, but its not like
youre afraid to show emotions? Do
you totally support your bros in ev-
erything they do because like, thats
what an emotional bond really is, and
man, Justin, I just want to see you
happy? Hit. Me. The fuck. Up.
Collegiate Staff
Limbic System . . . Kat Schrodinger
Frontal Lobe . . . . . . . . . Slick Dave
Hypothalamus . . . . Khaytelynne Hwight

Discards Crawling Infant Reveal He Only Has Two Friends
by Khaytelynne Hwight
BOOKSTORE -- Local bastion of hygiene Sandra Maclean is
under investigation after authorities found a live, healthy baby
in the dumpster behind the Kenyon Bookstore. Reports indicate
that the baby was covered in filth from crawling on the ground
for upwards of five seconds, as humans in early stages of devel-
opment are known to do.
Yes, I did discard the infant in question, said Maclean
without hesitation. I ran over as it started crawling around the
Bookstore, but by the time I reached it, the five-second window
was up. There was nothing anyone could have done.
The infants mother says she turned around after making a
purchase only to find her son in Macleans arms. She asked
what I would do if I found a Goldfish on the floor. I said eat it,
obviously. That didnt go over well.
Witnesses say Maclean shook her head in disgust and pro-
ceeded to dispose of the sentient garbage. Im sorry, she said, anges. Their most recent star turn occurred during the class
but your child is completely unsanitary. You can make a new
one in a few months.
When asked in an exclusive interview what the precise dif-
ference is between five and six seconds, Maclean told the Col-
legiate, ONLY EVERYTHING, at which point she tripped
and fell on our office floor. Although our staff is fairly certain
that we helped her up at around 4.5 seconds, Maclean was tak-
ing no risks, and climbed solemnly into the trash can in obser-
vance of her principles. She will remain there until garbage day.
by Slick Dave
BOLTON THEATER -- Five-sixths of the way through the
semester, it has become clear to his classmates that Mac
Berstela 15 only has two friends.
He uses the same actors for every single movie he does,
and theyre not even good, said classmate Tom Ginsberg
16.
Berstelas choices for actors at first seemed innocent: the
two actors portrayed two young people in love in his first
movie The 30th. However, when he had these same two
actors, a man and a woman, portray John Travoltas and
Samuel L Jacksons characters in his remake of Pulp Fic-
tion, the class began to notice a trend.
This trend continued during the experimental film sec-
tion, where Berstelas film featured both actors wearing
paper plates over their faces and gently poking moldy or-
KG, GCB, GCSI, GCIE, GCVO
examination of noir, where the woman and man played a
curvy dame and a streetlamp respectively.
The sad thing is, Ginsberg added, Im pretty sure that
his two actors are dating, so Im not even sure if they really
count as friends, because hes like a third wheel or what-
ever.
At press time Berstela was casting the two actors to al-
ternate turns playing the main character in his remake of
Tom Hanks movie Castaway.
Pituitary Gland . . . . . . . Barb Lardlarp
Cerebellum . . . . . Jack B. Thimbledon
Occipital Lobe . . . . . . Laslo Mandelcorn
Pineal Body . . . . . Sidney Applebaum
Thalamus . . . . . . . Anna Feldspar
Medulla Oblongata . . . . Phil Tippett
Optic Chiasma . . . . . . Irving Mellish
Corpus Callosum . . . Dallas Hernandez
Choroid Plexus . . . . . . Floyd Culkin
Anterior Commissure . . Ord Dimmesdale
Pons . . . . . . . . . Calvin Thrust
Spinal Cord . . . . Miguel Angel Kill
Mammillary Body . . . . [REDACTED]
All Neurons . . Ruth Thundercat Bubis
Interns . . . . . . . Arms, legs, heart, lungs,
hands, fingernails, teeth, nose, earlobe,
wenis, feet, shin, humerus, jugular vein,
aorta, ventricles, arteries, veins, bron-
chioles, eardrums, various piercings
Founder/Editor Emeritus . . . . Louis
Francis Albert Victor Nicholas Col-
legiate, 1st Earl Collegiate of Ohio,

Th e K e n yon Collegiate 6