Philanders Most Splendiferous Source of News and Gossip.
Vol. 4, Issue 9 February 9, 2011
Starfucker To Lecture At Redesigned Student Body Resolves To Listen To
Common-Hour Summer Sendoff Big Bois Solo Albums Before Sendoff
By Charlie Adams
GAMBIER Reliable sources within
the Kenyon administration revealed to
The Collegiate this week that popular
electronic band Starfucker has been
signed to deliver a keynote lecture at
this years newly redesigned Summer
Sendoff. The Portland, OR-based in-
die trio will reportedly give a presen-
tation on the changing role of women
in the agricultural Midwest, matching
this Sendoffs theme of Rural Culture
in the Twenty-First Century. Profes-
sor Howard Sacks will also speak.
Rather than lasting for a full Satur-
day, this years Sendoff will take place
during a Thursday Common Hour,
followed by an informal brunch/dis-
cussion in Peirce Pub. Students are en-
couraged to research topics of interest
beforehand, and a faculty forum will
Report: Cove Food A Bad Idea
By Billy Hughes
GAMBIER GRILL Campus of-
ficials released a report yesterday in-
dicating that ordering food from the
Gambier Grill, affectionately known
to students as The Cove, was indeed
a bad idea.
The survey, conducted by Kenyons
psychology department, questioned
students about their choices regarding
food from the Cove in various situa-
tions. We looked at a lot of different
scenarios said Professor Hayward
Bryant, like coming home drunk on a
Saturday night and not being that hun-
gry but just wanting to eat something
t he kenyon collegiat e 
Starfucker.
allow for further reflection. Although
alcohol will be strictly prohibited, AVI
has been tapped to provide stromboli
and other refreshments.
The decision to replace Kenyons
beloved tradition of drunken all-day
revelry with a brisk morning lecture
reportedly came from the Board of
Trustees, who laid out the new format
at their annual summit last December.
One board member called the changes
a logical next step, citing the tight-
ened security and behavioral standards
at last years event.
Summer Sendoff 2012 is the Ken-
yon communitys chance to put its best
foot forward, said College President
S. Georgia Nugent. Rather than waste
a day socializing and lounging in the
Continued on page 2.
and then picking up the phone and
calling Cove to order, I dont know, a
pizza, or something with cheese.
87% of those surveyed reported
regretting that decision after they had
eaten their meatball sub, added Bry-
ant.
But, according to Bryant, students
do not always feel that Cove food is
such a terrible misstep. Reports from
before eating Cove food suggest that
62% of students believed ordering
Cove food was a good idea, while
35% believed it was the best idea.
Respondents reported that they were
Continued on page 2.
By Billy Hughes
and Ricardo Carrigano
GAMBIER Following an an-
nouncement this week that acclaimed
hip-hop artist Antwan Andr Patton,
better known as Big Boi, would per-
form at this years Summer Sendoff,
Kenyons student body declared their
intention to getting around to listen-
ing to all of his solo albums sometime
before the actual event. Big Boi, best
known for his collaboration with An-
dre 3000 as Outkast, has released sev-
eral solo albums such as, Got Purp?
Vol. 2, and Sir Lucious Left Foot...Son
of Chico Dusty.
I guess thats pretty exciting, re-
marked Kiera Johnson 14 but Im
going to be in the library for at least
the next two weekends. Maybe his
stuff is in Multimedia Collections?
Local Squirrel Tired Of Area Nuts
By Roy McKluskin
MIDDLE PATH Petey the Squir-
rel held a press conference Friday to
announce his growing dissatisfaction
with Kenyon Colleges nut selection.
The Eastern Grey Squirrel, whos
lived in Gambier ever since his nest
was torn apart by hungry crows as a
child, claimed that over time hes seen
nut selection deteriorate in a manner
he calls inexcusable.
Its not just Kenyon though. Its
the greater Knox County area, Petey
said. Youd think by now Mt. Vernon
would at least have a decent walnut
tree. Most rural towns got those back
Big Boi.
As of press time, a CONSORT search
revealed a hold on Spearkboxxx/The
Love Below.
The student body also reported that
they were planning on downloading
some of his solo singles on Kenster if
it was back up, or maybe looking them
up on YouTube if they were bored. Ke-
nyons sixteen hundred students also
added that they have, like, a bunch
of papers due next week and exams
coming up, so they will probably get
to Big Boi after thats all over.
I really should listen to his stuff,
said Greg Kranz 12, but right now
Im working through Ben Folds last
album and some early Modest Mouse
so Ill probably have to backlog him
for now.
Continued on page 2.
Petey the Squirrel.
in the eighties, even if they were put in
by big corporate chains.
Occasionally a professor might
try to plant exotics in their yard, but,
Continued on page 2.
1
Sophomore Looking Forward To Returning From His Own Extended Break
By Ricardo Carrigano
MATHER RESIDENCE HALL
After nearly a month of classless,
paperless existence, many Kenyon
students find themselves struggling
to recapture any of the work ethic
they may have developed during the
Fall. Ernie Maloney 14, however,
doesnt have that problem at all.
Rather than attend classes, do read-
ings, write papers, or make any aca-
demic effort whatsoever, Maloney
decided that he would not be return-
ing to Kenyon as a student until at
least January 29, if not the beginning
of February.
Though he moved back in to his
room in Mather, eats his meals at
Peirce, and has gone out both week-
ends, he has not yet set foot in an
academic building. The sophomore
psychology major has mostly been
watching re-runs of Parks and Rec,
going to the KAC, and waking up
every day at noon. If he can sum-
mon the adequate energy, he also
reads some of the books Ive been
wanting to read but didnt have time
to during the school year.
Fellow sophomore Gerry Win-
strom first realized his friend and
Catty Soc Major Starts Rumor That
Paula Is A Social Construct
By Roy McKluskin
RALSTON HOUSE Sociology
major Leslie Piper 13 began work
on a rumor Wednesday alleging that
fellow student Paula Kline 13 is not,
in fact, a human being but rather an
elaborate conceit developed by soci-
ety to manipulate the behavior of its
members.
Piper started the rumor after Kline
reportedly snubbed her at a depart-
ment ice cream social. I just men-
tioned to Francine [Carnari 12] that
even though Paula seemed super
inherent, she could be just an imag-
ined tenet of a specific sociopolitical
dynamic, Piper said adding, espe-
cially given the way she just looked
through me in the sprinkle line.
The accusation came after a long
period of tension between the two
juniors marked by various personal
attacks. We all know transhistori-
cal essences arent real, Piper said,
And given how unreal Paulas ter-
rible outfit was today, I think we can
agree there are more similarities than
differences between the two.
Some students believed the rumor
readily, but others found themselves
hesitant. While Paula certainly has
her moments where she seems like
2 p l ease recycle issue b e f o r e o r a f t e r r e a d i n g
roommate was pretty much not do-
ing anything [academically] when
he noticed Maloneys backpack had
not moved from underneath their
shared coffee table for at least a
week.
Ive dearly enjoyed my
two-week vacation from
school, at school.
The two kept fairly different
schedules last semester, so Winstrom
was not surprised to find Maloney
sometimes still asleep when he re-
turned from his own days classes. I
the expression of a collective de-
sire manifested as rule, I dont think
shed ever really achieve the status
of a hegemonic phenomena, said
freshman Larry Smith.
Others dismissed the question al-
together. Said Liberty Engles 11, a
senior working on her post-modern
English comps, Why were even
entertaining the idea that Paula is a
fact rather than a mutual perception
is completely beyond me.
Why were even entertain-
ing the idea that Paula is a
fact is beyond me.
Even Amanda Harris 13, Klines
former roommate, expressed doubts.
Harris called her friend, Practically
institutional, but said that the way
Kline presented physically could ini-
tially be misleading, especially when
shed eat meals in Peirce. It was re-
ally a reminder of the way in which
consciousness of unreality does not
equal escape, and also a reminder of
her terrible table manners, said the
junior with a sigh.
Kline could not be reached for
comment since, in all probability, we
just imagined her.
Maloney, returning from his extended break.
thought he was just having difficulty
adjusting to his work at least I
thought that explained the erratic
sleeping patterns, he remarked.
I knew for sure something was up
when I heard him saying how break
was getting to be a little too long.
Look, dont get me wrong.
Ive dearly enjoyed my two-week
vacation from school, at school,
explained Maloney, but Im really
starting to pine for my book-filled
backpack, the input of my peers, the
instruction of my professors.
He added, I think Im ready to go
back, now. Well, at least after I finish
this season of Friday Night Lights.
Big Boi, from page 1.
Especially if the new Shins album
turns out to be good, added Kranz.
To be fair, listening to Big Boi is
not the only task facing Kenyons busy
campus. Other prior engagements cit-
ed by students include core workouts
at the KAC, attending Physics Collo-
quium, mastering the housing lottery,
reading The Mystery Method, and get-
ting to work on their lucid dreaming.
Despite the student bodys uncer-
tainty of their ability to get to Big Boi
in time for Sendoff, many students re-
port excitement for the upcoming con-
cert. I really hope he plays Hey Ya!
said Nicole Breen 15. That song got
me through middle school.
Caroliiiine! added Breen.
Starfucker, from page 1.
sun, students will get a chance to un-
wind New Ivy-style: with a thorough,
meditative exploration of pressing
academic themes. And were excited
to have Starfucker kicking things off.
Student response to the news, how-
ever, has been mixed. I couldnt be
more excited to see Starfucker, said
Peter Martin 13, a member of this
years planning committee. True, it
might be a little weird to have the So-
ciology Department emceeing and I
dont know if Philo is the right venue.
But Sendoff is Sendoff, yknow? Well
find a way to make it fun.
Cove Food, from page 1.
unbelievably hungry and that a bar-
beque bacon cheeseburger with a side
of fried green beans sounded like ex-
actly the thing to slake their desires.
It seemed like it was a great idea,
said participant Henry Cray 13, But
after I started eating my pizza, tomato
sauce just seemed like worst thing
in the world, and this thing was just
smothered in it. And the cheese had
congealed because it took so long to
get there with all the people ordering
that late at night.
Other students surveyed confirmed
that Cove food seemed fine for a
while when they started eating, but
then after a while they realized how
tired they were the whole time and
how little they actually wanted to eat
a Philly-cheese-steak pizza before giv-
ing up on everything. 76% of those
surveyed responded that they would
never again order Cove food late at
night.
But we should not be so optimistic,
according to Bryant. Though most
people swore off Cove food after their
drunken tryst, studies report that 85%
are likely to look back fondly on the
experience the next weekend and once
again order a large plate of chicken
quesadillas.
Squirrel, from page 1.
Petey insists, they do a poor job of ac-
commodating his needs. It all tastes
the same, he sighed, adding, Some-
times my thirst for novelty gets so bad
I have to go into peoples attics and
chew all their wires, just to feel some-
thing again.
Other than seeking out nuts, hoard-
ing nuts, eating nuts, burying nuts,
scavenging in trash cans, and scaling
trees in the hopes that he might catch
sight of his young (Theyre usually
with their mother, my former mate,)
Petey does not have many hobbies,
which makes the lack of nut variety
difficult to work around. Some days
I just sit in my Gaskin Avenue nest
and wonder what life would have been
like had I chosen to go to a big city
after graduation, or gotten my M.F.A.
[Masters of Fine Almonds], he said.
When asked if he would ever con-
sider leaving Gambier to seek nuts
elsewhere however, Petey demurred.
Sometimes I think that taking a little
trip might be nice, he chirped, And
Ive always wanted to taste the maca-
damias of Hawaii. At my age though,
the closest Ill probably get is gnawing
at the stale pecans Libby Forester 13
of Watson Hall throws away whenever
her mother sends her a care package.
Swishing his bristly tail for emphasis
he admitted, Its not a grand life, but
its the life I know best, before scam-
pering away.
2
Opinion
What Am I Doing With My Life?
By Roger Sinclaire
Emeritus Professor of English
of fine scotch and cocaine before fi-
nally burning out in an orgy of sex,
Gelatooooo!
By Elise Barnaby 13

drugs and violence. Or I was sup-

I know you all, quoth Prince
Henry, and will awhile uphold the
unyoked humour of your idleness.
You look at me and all you see is
some lame, unhip professor. Dont
lie to me! I know you do. I know
because I did the same thing at your
age. Thats right! I used to be just
like you: not studying, blowing my
money on booze, and feeling up
freshmen girls at parties. I always
thought my professors were totally
lame, and that I was never going to
turn out like them. And now look
at me! Im 35, married, I have two
wonderful children and Im teaching
at a prestigious liberal arts school.
Where did I go wrong?
It wasnt supposed to happen this
way. I was supposed to be a wildly
successful author, sleeping with so-
cialites at publishing parties in a haze
posed to be a globetrotting investiga-
tive reporter, sipping cognac with the
drug barons I interviewed, slipping
away from their fortified compounds
with all the information I needed to
damn them indefinitely before having
sex with all manner of exotic wom-
en. How did it come to this? Where
did I screw up that Im here, living
a comfortable, fulfilling existence
in rural Ohio? I should be getting in
bar brawls, punching people out for
looking at me funny before going
home to my smoke-filled apartment
to spit blood into my dirty sink and
pour my soulmy soul, man!into
my writing. I was going to produce
something real, not this Ethics of
the Elizabethan Spirit in Restoration
Drama garbage Ive been research-
ing for the past three months.
I wanted to be the next Raymond
Carver, but I ended up the exact same
way as everyone else. Educated, well
mannered and comfortable. Some-
times in office hours I see students
looking at me with admiration, as
though they actually care what I
think. Ugh. It disgusts me. I wanted
to die alone and resentful, leaving
scholars of my work to opine, what
if wed only accepted how brilliant
he was, what could he have produced
then?
What if indeed? I have to be going
now. My wife is cooking pot roast.
She knows its my favorite. Damn.
Oooh..Whats that you have in your
little hand? Oh, just soft serve? Aw,
too bad. For a second I hallucinated
and thought it was some gelato.
You see, when I was in Europe
last semester, I got totally addicted. I
must have eaten it every single day in
every single piazza and square I went
to. But its not my fault because its
just soooo good. It makes American
ice cream taste like cow dung. Yeah,
I know its a gross metaphor but its
utterly true.
I almost tried to pack a ten pound
block of pistachio crme fraiche alla
carbonara flavor into my suitcase,
but then my dad was like, Elise,
what about your personal growth and
raised level of cultural awareness?
Where are you going to put those?
and I was like crap. Anyway, so now
Im practically withdrawing on the
bathroom floor in Caples every night
like some kind of heroin addict. I
kind of look like one too, dontcha
think? Youd think Id be soooooo
fat, but they walk so much more in
Now Im practically with-
drawing on the bathroom
floor in Caples every night.
Europe than they do in America that
you just dont gain weight. Its totally
crazy. And Im not even hungry right
now because Ive gotten used to eat-
ing super late. I wind up clawing at
the servery doors every night at nine
thirty because I completely forget
that they keep American hours. Oh
well, its like my host mother always
said, Diech et blurben, las papas
pardron!

Professor Learning More From Students Than They Are From Him
By Jeffrey Cashpore
BEXLEY HALL Professor of Art
Joseph Whitfields Modern Dynam-
ics of Illustrated Group-Think in Char-
coal Drawing class was in high de-
mand this spring, with students vying
for only 12 open seats. The class com-
bined Whitfields specialty of charcoal
drawing with the relative new field
of illustrated group-think that Whit-
field is completely ignorant of, having
never studied it before. Despite the
challenges of teaching this excitingly
progressive class, Whitfield accepted
the course and seemed confident and
excited to take it head on.
Collegiate investigators have dis-
covered that after a full two weeks
of class, it is clear that Whitfield is
learning more from his students than
they are from him. Though Whitfield
promised that he would both teach and
engage the class, hoping to learn from Jessica Ayers 12. Will he understand sponded to complaints about Whit-
his students as well, few expected such what I am trying to say? Other stu- fields controversial drawing/sociol-
a dramatic reversal of the student- dents defended Whitfields approach. ogy hybrid seminar, but few think his
professor roles. Walking into class I think he is really breaking the fourth actions will go unnoticed. I saw him
Wednesday completely unprepared, wall in the student-teacher classroom Spark-noting the article he assigned
Whitfield asked students to begin dynamic, commented Michael Ragle me to assign on Wednesday, Jared
the class with a brief summary of the 13, It really is quite revolutionary, Cho 13 explained. I just dont think
he said, gazing in wonder as Whitfield he is preparing enough for class to
I think he is really break- raised his hand and asked a student get by with a passing grade. I hope he
what the reading for Friday was. takes good notes on my lecture.
ing the fourth wall in the The administration has not yet re-
student-teacher dynamic.
Whitfields thoughtful students apparently have a lot to offer.
previous lecture. The earnest profes-
sor took detailed notes on his laptop,
pausing only a few times to check his
Facebook when he thought he could
get away with it.
Students were surprised, and in
some cases, outraged by Professor
Whitfields behavior. I guess I am
mostly worried about how he will
grade the assignments, complained

c ollegiate@kenyon.e d u 3
Entertainment
Two Drink Minimum Show Interrupts Lively Pregame Girl In Contact Improv Class Developing Weird Skin Rash
By Roy McKluskin
PEIRCE HALL A pre-game sched-
uled to take place at 10 p.m. in the
Peirce Pub was rudely interrupted on
Saturday when a troupe of bumbling
assholes stumbled in and took to the
stage, according to Jeffery Wyatt 14.
The sophomore drunkard claimed that
he could barely hearmy own shouting
over the noise of the microphone, and
thought that it was a little ridiculous
the intruders would go to such great
lengths to be heard when clearly my
story about puking on my cousins nu-
tritionist at my aunts wedding should
have taken priority.
Saul Worthington 12, a fellow
pregamer, also objected to what he
deemed rabblerousing of the highest
order. He was particularly annoyed
by the way the delinquents seemed
to have invited not only all of their
friends but even random acquain-
tances, eventually outnumbering the
original group. Its really hard to play
Kings when everyone insists on sit-
ting in the same direction facing the
front of the room, Worthington com-
plained.
Instead, Worthington and Wyatt had
to find some way to make the best of
things. Al being there really helped,
Unsure Greeks Consult Oracle Of Bullseidon At Bushnell
By Ricardo Carrigano
TEMPLE OF BULLSEIDON
Campus fraternities and sororities,
unable to make a timely decision
regarding an important matter on
Tuesday, once again resolved to con-
sult the Oracle of Bullseidon at the
Temple of Bushnell, sources report.
Carly Spikos 14, the 19 year-old
virgin diviner from Memphis, Ten-
nessee, was chosen last year by the
hedonistic deity Bullseidon, god of
the Bullseyes, during an Old Kenyon
party. Her counsel has directed sev-
eral key Greek actions, including the
decision to regulate division housing
thermostats, a renewed commitment
to herbal medicine, and the contro-
versial but accepted decree that Blue
powerade is the best powerade. She
also described the design for the
EDM flag, outlined the smoke-spot/
hangout near Hanna for the D-Phis,
and provided art direction for the
Beta Rock.
Shes really been an indispens-
able asset for us, reflected council
member Cal Camden 13 (Beta),
and we dont even have to spend a
fraction of a case-worth on her ser-
2 p l ease recycle issue b e f o r e o r a f t e r r e a d i n g
they said, referring to Alphonse Green
13. He has a really deep laugh that
almost makes you forget there are sev-
enty five people sitting in awkward
silence all around you for an extended
period of time. They admitted, how-
ever, that at a certain point the distur-
bance became impossible to ignore,
even as the original group got drunker
and louder.
And thats when we decided we
Wyatt claimed that he could
barely hear my own shouting
over the noise of the mic.
had to just try and include them as
best we could, explained Green. We
didnt seem to have much in com-
mon though, and they werent very
good conversationalists, he noted,
characterizing their manner of speak-
ing as basically a monologue and
pointing out frustratedly that, They
never answered any of the questions I
screamed at them.
Many of the pregamers have de-
clared that they will not be returning to
the pub after the incident. Ugh, said
Green of the situation, adding, This
kind of thing is exactly what I wanted
to avoid by staying out of New Apts.
vices. In fact, we spend nothing.
The Greek Council decided to
send representatives to seek the
wisdom of Bullseidon after delib-
erations about whats going on this
weekend disintegrated. We were
so close to determining the alloca-
Enough of this! Let
us defer to the Great
Bullseidon!
tion of Keystones to each division
said Camden 13 (Beta), and then
John [Higgins 14 (Delt)] started fili-
bustering. Camden speculates that
the attack was not likely ideological,
but rather motivated by an off-hand
The Greek Council met to discuss Bullseidons prophecies.
Health
By Ambrosia Sweetwater
BOLTON STUDIOProfessor Ji
Yungs Contact Improvisation dance
class was off to a great start Tuesday
morning, until several students no-
ticed a worrisome skin rash develop-
ing on senior Tiffany Moylans torso.
I thought it was just a weird sunburn
at first, said classmate Jacob Dryer
13, but then I remembered it was
late January and quickly became sus-
picious. Students first caught sight of
the swollen, scaly skin patch during
the first exercise, which involved be-
coming one with the floor. Cynthia
Walton 12 was both shocked and dis-
gusted, stating I had to keep track of
where her stomach grazed the floor so
I could avoid getting any rash germs
on me. Students also expressed con-
cern over Moylans choice of attire,
which included a midriff-grazing tube
top. There was no avoiding it, Dryer
continued. She made contact with
practically everyone, and with hardly
remark made during the last council
meeting regarding Higginss mother.
As the petulant stalling tech-
nique began to enter its second hour,
Frank Highman 12 (AD) rose from
his seat. He stood up, recalled
Camden, and screamed, Enough
of this! Let us defer to the Great
Bullseidon! After a brief silence,
everyone mumbled in terse but
unanimous approval. The council
dispatched a delegation to Bushnell
shortly thereafter.
As regards the situation in ques-
tion, she transmitted Bullseidons
will that no cases shall go anywhere
this weekend and none registered
through the state unless con-
sumed clandestinely.
any clothing barrier whatsoever.
Professor Jung eventually noticed
the rash but believed that the dam-
age had already been done and that
the dance floor would have to be
sterilized. Several students rushed to
the bathrooms after class, vigorously
pressing the soap dispensers until all
exposed skin was scrubbed thorough-
ly. Its probably a fungus, Walton
She made contact with every-
one, and with hardly any cloth-
ing barrier whatsoever.
said, squirting a dollop of hand sani-
tizer into her mouth. You cant just
apply a topical treatment. You gotta
kill the rash from the inside out.
When asked how to treat the skin
rash in case of a campus-wide out-
break, the Health Center replied,
Splash some water on it and come
back in after the weekend.
Collegiate Staff
Rosa Parks . . . . . . . . . . Charlie Adams
Jazzy Belle . . . . . Beauregard Beauregard
Git Up, Git Out . . . . . . . . Clams Casino
Mighty O . . . . . . . . . . Roy McKluskin
Ms. Jackson . . . . . . Gunderson Threeply
So Fresh, So Clean . . . . . Boat Thorpe
ATLiens . . . . . . . Barker D. Flugelhorn
Bombs Over Baghdad . . . . Pumpy Calico
Players Ball . . . . . . . . . . . Billy Hughes
The Whole World . . . . . . Clifford Seldom
The Way You Move . . . . Ichabod Townley
Roses . . . . . . Lady Beatriz C. Hildegard
Ghetto Musick . . . . . . Patty OFurniture
Love Hater . . . . . . Ambrosia Sweetwater
Ill Call Before I Come . . . Ricardo Carrigano
Red Velvet . . . . . . . . . . Button Gwennit
Idlewild Blue . . . . . . . . . .. Sterile Meryl
Aquemini . . . . . . . . . . Jeffrey Cashpore
Hey Ya! . . . . . Ruth Thundercat Bubis
Founder/Editor Emeritus . . . . Louis
Francis Albert Victor Nicholas Col-
legiate, 1st Earl Collegiate of Ohio,
KG, GCB, GCSI, GCIE, GCVO
Retractions
In last weeks special weekend fashion
insert, we wrote in our profile of soph-
omore Tracy Kellerman that Tracy
combines retro sensibility with a total-
ly modern breeziness for a look thats
both classic and hot. But, oh my god,
did you see her outfit Saturday night at
the Ganter? I know! I know! I know!
4