Inner Spaces for Busy Moms

By Claire Matze

Somewhere in today's turbulent world, where overwhelming forces combine to push us to

the very brink of our limitations, exists a fertile land where inner spaces are allowed to
grow, welling from the deepest recesses of the human heart: the land of peace, creativity,
and inner space.
So many moms lose touch with their "inner space" once that first bundle of joy comes
home, radically changing the focus of life itself. And yet there are ways to stay "connected"
while devotedly caring for a family.
Unless we're training to become child care experts, nurses, or child psychologists where we
are professionally taught how to handle one of the myriad facets of child rearing, the extent
of most people's preparation for parenting is based on a combination of memory, instinct,
social, and cultural influences. Those who are lucky receive the benefit of experience from
their extended family, though that path can also be fraught with error. We draw on the do
and don't influences from our earliest childhood memories and personal readings, and add
love and hope to each of our parenting experiences. Beyond that, there is no such thing as a
parenting school that trains parents to shape and mold the human lives they are responsible
for bringing into this world.
Consider that doctors receive a minimum of eight years instruction before they are legally
allowed to treat a common cold; teachers average five years of training; financial planners
study accounting practices for years before being entrusted with a family's financial
portfolio; and diplomats graduate after years of toil from demanding schools such as Yale,
Princeton, and Harvard.
Contrast those realities with the fact that, over the course of nine short gestation months,
people are expected to bring similar skills to their parenting roles.
Parents are nurses responsible for their child's nutrition and physical well-being. They are
teachers educating their kids in the ways of life. They are economists planning for the
financial management of their household, and they are the diplomats and officials required
to sort through sibling and parent/child conflicts.

Throw in today's social economic structures that result in families where both parents
frequently work full-time and face the demands of the business or professional realm, and
you have all the ingredients for the most potentially stressful job in the world!
So how do busy moms cope with wearing so many hats at once? Is it possible to find any
inner space at all? When there is an endless series of needs pulling in so many different
directions, how can a mother ensure that her own needs are met, at least enough to
maintain her sense of happiness and self-worth?
The key word is balance. 

Think of mothering as a deep well. The well has plenty of water, but it is not bottomless. If
water is constantly being drawn and no chance is provided for renewal, sooner or later the
well will run dry.

Perceptions
The first step is for a mother to change her perceptions regarding her own needs and learn
to find a worthy place for them in her long list of priorities. Taking "time out" to catch up on
much needed sleep, read, go for a walk, join an exercise class, or pursue some private
interest is not something to feel guilty about. In fact, it becomes totally justifiable if
contemplated from the context that the time a mother spends nurturing herself is a personal
renewal, which enables her to go back to caring for her family with new gusto.
If you find you can renew your energies with your kids in tow, go for it! Megan Harris, a
single-parent massage therapist from Paradise, California, who cares for her kids on
alternate weeks, feels she never gets enough quality time with her kids.
"Every weekend we try to do something different. Sometimes we go to garage sales, take a
picnic to the river or the park, call up a friend and go to the movies, or go to the local fair or
farmer's market," she says.
Self-nurturing is not the same as self-indulgence, though self-indulgence can be part of the
nurturing process, which can also be seen as a form of healthy self-preservation.
Actively Seek Help
Learn to say "yes" to offers of help, even if you've spent your life trying to get by on your
own. If grandma offers to watch the kids for a while, or a lonely senior citizen in your
neighborhood would love to spend time with your little one, this is your chance to catch up
on chores or enjoy a breather.
The guilty feelings some moms associate with taking time out can be even harder for
working mothers who already spend many hours away home. Those moms may consider
hiring occasional help around the house to "buy" quality time with the family. Even if it's
expensive, look on help as an investment in yourself and your family. You may be able to
cut corners in other areas to make that financially possible.
If hiring even occasional household help is not a possibility, consider giving a job to a
neighborhood kid as a "mother's helper" to entertain your kids while you accomplish a goal
or project. Sometimes even a little thing can help break the cycle of job to chores to job
again.
Help for you can also mean joining a support group, or calling a family member or friend to
vent your feelings with. Moms can find incredible comfort in knowing there are other parents
struggling with similar issues. Pamela Campell, a missionary's wife living overseas and
home-schooling her kids, often jests: "When I'm feeling alone I reach for the phone!"
If you have spent your life working so hard you haven't taken the time to develop close
friendships, it is not too late to open up to the world around you and surround yourself with
people you can help out and whom you can call upon in an emergency. Parenting is such a
big job--you need all the help you can get!

Accept Your Own Limitations

A lot of the stress we take on in our daily lives is self-imposed. By determining excessively
high standards for ourselves, or for the people around us, we are setting ourselves up for
frustration when we invariably fall short of our goals. Be realistic in your expectations!
Don't expect yourself to wash the car, mow the lawn, take care of the kids, stock up on a
week's worth of groceries, cook three meals a day and pay the bills all in one day. You'll end
up a nervous wreck. Though all of these are jobs that have to be done, try spreading them
out over a manageable time frame and accept that you're doing the very best that you can
within a given set of circumstances. Nobody has the right to expect more of you—not even
you.
Delegate as many chores as possible, perhaps by involving family members and setting up a
reward system linked to accomplishments. What's obvious to us may not be so obvious to
our children. Take the time to spell out that help for mom around the house means you'll be
more available to play and have fun!

Attitude
Think positive. Fiona Lhotka, a Canadian lawyer who quit her practice when her kids were
born, says she doesn't mind long to-do lists, as long as the lists aren't always the same. If
she's managed to cross one or two items off her list every day, then she can focus on the
things she's done instead of what still needs attention. She says she gets discouraged when
today's list is tomorrow's list is the day after's—and nothing gets crossed out.

Take Baby Steps

Instead of waiting for a long, three-hour chunk of time to write that letter you've been
wanting to write, pick up a "meaty" book, or tackle a specific project, learn to use the time
you have constructively, even if it comes in bite-size pieces.
Gisela Buiatti, an Argentinean mother of four kids ranging from one year old to 12, finds
time to pursue her love of reading. "I always have a book at hand," she says. "One lives in
my kitchen drawer and comes out when I'm stirring soups. I take it in my car when I pick
up my kids from school. It's in my purse and comes out when I go to the bank, post office
or grocery store and have to wait in line. There's even a book in my bathroom!"
If going to work involves a long commute, you may want to listen to music or catch up on
world events on the radio while driving, as long as you don't lose your ability to concentrate
on the road. If you can't relax at home, this is your chance to listen to meditation tapes or
learn a foreign language. Invest in books on tape or enjoy the luxury of listening to the
silence—something many mothers of young children crave!
If you're a writer or teacher, again think constructively. Listen to tapes that can assist in
class preparation while you're driving, or you can try talking into a portable tape recorder to
help you think through and record that particular twist of plot or character development
you've been working on.
Ann Doro, author of the children's chapter book Charlie, the Lost Dog, wrote and sold the
tele-play "Most Precious Gold" by disciplining herself to working one hour a day while her
young children were at school. That single hour was all she had, and she made the most of
it.

Parenting Brings Joy

Yes, parenting brings joy, closeness, bonding and wonderful family ties. Most parents cannot
envision a meaning to life without their kids and wouldn't go back to "pre-kids life" for
anything in the world. But the struggle many moms encounter in trying to meet the needs
of others often results in their own needs not being met, hence a feeling of neglect,
frustration, even intense unhappiness. Taken to an extreme, it is possible to lose sight of
the joys of parenting.
Though all moms occasionally experience a bad day, it is possible to find peace and balance
by nurturing the inner spaces that allow us to thrive as individuals and human beings, first
and foremost, and consequently, as parents.