They Told Me Not to Fall

in Love

By
Earl Montgomery

0
 Preface full of coke
This is a story about a drugged up pussy bitch who is
afraid of love. This guy does not exist, OK? This is a comedy
FICTION story
(It is intended for girls actuallyeven though that may be
difficult to believe. I wrote this book with a specific girl friend in
mind. This took me about a week to write in my spare time. This
is what I go through to entertain her. But I also want to spread
this book around a little bit. If it helps just one person in some
way, I will be happy)
Please DO NOT worry. This is not the manifesto of a
sociopath or a psychopath. I am really not this impulsive and
unstable. Names have been changed and any similarity in names
is coincidental. Earl Montgomery is not my real name. It is my
author name.
This book is made to present many different view-points
regarding life in general. It will talk about love, women, drugs,
music, sex, pornography, cars, murder and death. Could it really
get any better?
The meaning of this book is obscure as I do not even
truly know the full purpose for writing this, except to vent some
frustrations. It challenges some gender roles, and I guess it could
maybe be used as a good example of why somebody should
never take drugs. I am full of contradictions and incoherent at
times. I am sure one person will be able to take away at least one
positive thing from this book though.
Maybe you do want to pretend the story is real however.
If so, you may email your thoughts to
theytoldmenottofallinlove@gmail.com

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 Do you think the writer needs a mental evaluation? Is the
writer bipolar or possibly a schizophrenic? Is the writer just a
fucking nitwit? Please feel free to send your hate mail to the
email listed above, and Ill be sure to print them off and wipe my
ass with them.
I apologize if the reader feels abused at times. That is the
tone of the book. This story may be hard to survive; however, I
feel you will be a stronger person for doing so. It is the rambling
narration of a brain full of drugs and it will be a disorganized
mess of a book.
If literature had a body, this would be the asshole of the
body. Dont forget that everyone shits though, and so does
literature. Here are the feces of literature. Ive formatted it my
own way and do not care about writing standards. Just read the
damn words. Please enjoy.

2
 Acknowledgments
To soul sister Carmie, mom and dad, Kevin, J.P., Chris,
David, Luis, Alex, Nick, Stefan, Blocking Bribri, and Dave.
All of my teachers, and people who sometimes cared
about me more than I did myself.
To all the people who I will think of in the future, and
many more to come when Im dying going down memory lane.
The Fanatic for inspiring the tone of the book. Without
The Fanatic, this book would not have been possible.
Lastly, to the few other people who have inspired me to
write. Thats about everyone I need to thank. I thought
acknowledgements were stupid but I guess this feels good.

3
Glass Table of Contents
Chapter 1: The Demon Bag

Chapter 2: A Drive

Chapter 3: Kiss Land

Chapter 4: The Noise

Chapter 5: Make America Wet Again

Chapter 6: The Morning

Chapter 7: Porno Monster

Chapter 8: Son of Sam

Chapter 9: Dont Speak

Chapter 10: Ramble On

Chapter 11: Wet Sand

Chapter 12: Middle School Masturbator

Chapter 13: Girls Just Want to Have Fun

Chapter 14: Beauty Behind the Madness

Chapter 15: Semi Charmed Life

Chapter 16: Nimrod

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 Chapter 1: The Demon
Bag
Can. You. Take. Your. Fucking. Makeup. Off?, I
thought to myself as I looked at her when she came back from
the bathroom. There she is all caked up already. It probably
wasnt even that much makeup on her looking back on it, but
Ive always had something against it.

I dont know how much or how little makeup is on a girl

when she has it, but I know when its on. I never had to wear it,
so I never understood why girls felt like they had to. Standards, I
guess, or some other shitty reason. Maybe I wish I could wear it
when I get embarrassed and my face turns beat fucking red. Im
only joking. Ill take the embarrassment. Oh wow, this book is
going to be shit, you are probably thinking. Whatever.

I always told my girl friends I hated makeup. By the way,

when I say girl friends a lot of times I just mean friends who are
girls, just so you know. We are going to use our own language so
when I say girl-friends with a space, it means friends. When I
say girlfriend all together, it means my girlfriend. And I feel like
Ive really only have had one girlfriend in my life, and Im never
going to say her name in this book. Thats her name as far as
were concerned. Girlfriend. I have a turtle, and his name is
turtle. So there you go.

Just keep fucking reading. I promise the book wont be

this bad the whole time. Anyway, I dont want my girl friends to
feel bad for wearing makeup, but Ive convinced them that they
are beautiful without it, if they really dont want to wear it. When
we hang out at one of our houses, they all go makeup free, and

5
we dress like bums. Gross, you may be thinking. Or you could
be thinking Im a controlling asshole. Whatever. Blow it out your
ass. I encourage them to not wear it. Something about makeup
bothers me though. It looks like the girls are suffocating under all
of that shit sometimes.

It gives me a feeling like I want to scrub my face until I

bleed when I see it on a girl with it on. My girl friends have
asked me how I think they look better with no makeup on. I like
seeing their imperfections as they retardedly refer to it. Without
it they look so free, and justnatural. Ive asked some of them
why they pay for jeans with holes in them that are all ripped up.
Its the same reasoning for me being against makeup basically. I
hope that doesnt sound mean.

Plus, I love a good conspiracy and I have heard some

interesting stuff from a few of them which has made me hate it
more. There are too many makeup conspiracies for me to count.
The one that pisses me off the most, because I believe it, is that
she told me many of the products damage skin and that they put
toxins in the makeup or other cosmetics to deliberately damage
your skin. This is no accident if its true.

Ive investigated more makeup conspiracies after these

two specifically peaked my interest, and although I dont know
all this cosmetic lingo (and I dont care to learn), it looks like all
of these conspiracies revolve around getting you to keep buying
more and more of their shit until youre an old lady in a casket.

So once that product fucks you up, then you have to buy
this other shit to take care of that garbage, and then you have to
buy fifty thousand other products to take care of those two
fucking things that happened to your skin in the first place.

I dont really know what Im talking about. All Im trying

to say is that Ive seen a lot of girls have jars, bottles, and every

6
other container known to man-kind, stored with all sorts of
concoctions consisting of gels, liquids, and really who the fuck
knows what else. I mean, Ive seen girls who look like theyre
alchemists or something. These companies want a girls money
for life until they are old ladies, I know that, so I believe my
friends conspiracies.

The government throws fluoride in our fucking water so I

wouldnt put it past these bastard companies. Anything for a
buck. Just so you know, fluoride is a byproduct of the
manufacturing of aluminum and its very expensive to dispose of
properly, so some genius got the idea to throw it in the god
damned water. Thats the truth. Its about money. Do you
honestly believe the government gives a fuck about your teeth? It
really does help teeth, but at the cost of fluoride accumulating in
your bones and body. Its toxic.

I probably could use some face products myself. I feel

like I have rough skin. Theres got to be some good stuff out
there but at the end of the day I hardly have any effort to give a
fuck. My girl friends have made some recommendations but I
dont really trust them, so they just started putting cucumbers on
my face and it feels amazing.

God bless you if you have survived reading this far.

Anyway, the caked-up girl coming back from the bathroom in
the first paragraph was Katie. I had just met her and this was
going to be our first time doing something together. We were
going to go to the beach and meeting her three best friends there.

They have all been friends for years, but I didnt know
yet how they met at the time. I went over to Katies house and
waited for a few minutes while she was finishing getting ready.
On this day, I was particularly irritated with life because of
something that had happened a day before this, which I will
explain shortly.

7
 I was trying to hide this irritation from Katie. I was
thinking I should have stayed home, but I didnt want her to
think it was anything she did. It wasnt her fault I was pissed off.
Im pretty fucking random, so here goes something random. My
grandpa knew I was pissed off a lot, and he would tell me, Its
better than being pissed on. Just remember that.

Ive always enjoyed the company of girls because they

are justsofter I guess. I have always been considered sensitive
with my feelings, which I hate being called that, because I just
feel human. That may be difficult for you to believe right now
that I am sensitive, I know. Large groups of males have always
pissed me off though. You never know when theyre going to say
I would fuck her so hard, if they catch even the slightest
glimpse of a pretty girl on the T.V., or God forbid if we should
see a nice-looking girl in person walk pastdont even get me
started. I feel their eyes burning into my skull as they look to tell
me as quickly as possible how hard they would fuck her. It
fucking bothers me, youll find out why.

Ive also been called gay before, many times, because I

dont talk explicitly about what I would do to girls. A lot of guys
have always told me, You never talk about girls. But I was
always thinking about girls. I still always am. More than all of
them probably, while they are busy sitting around the T.V.
watching men playing games with a ball. I am extremely
sexually attracted to women, but I dont need to tell you that I
would eat a girls ass if thats where she wanted it. Why do you
want to hear that from another guy? Plus, sex is honestly not the
first thing that comes to my mind when I see a pretty girl.

I think I have always been a little bit different since the

time I wanted a Little Mermaid birthday party in preschool. I was
obsessed with the Little Mermaid. My dad was fucking pissed,
but my mom wanted to let me have the party, and we did. I

8
talked about this again not long ago with my mom. She said I
had the doll and everything, which my dad despised, until I
began walking around the house with Ariels top off. Then it was
acceptable to him. What a jerk, I thought.

Back to the story after my rambling. Were going to the

beach you know, I told Katie. I was still looking at the garbage
she thought she had to smear on her face to look good.
Yeah, she said. She just fucking stared at me. She didnt
know what I was thinking about her makeup. Because I was
irritated, I had a hatred for makeup this day. I usually dislike it,
but it can look nice I guess, and it makes people feel better.
However on this day I loathed it. I would never tell anyone what
I think about it except for my closest friends thoughand
anyone reading this.

I asked her if she was ready to go and went to grab my

keys that I had set down on the table. Waiting by the door was an
expensive bag. Thats all I can call it. It was a bag, and I knew it
was expensive. I had definitely seen the logo before. It had a
very large symbol on it that resembled a cross, but I wouldnt
insult the cross like that. The symbol looked like it could be used
in some sort of satanic cult sacrifice. The bag looked as if it were
made of a type of cloth that a typical beach bag would be made
of, but this was no ordinary bag. This was a three-hundred-dollar
demon bag. I looked inside of this premium beach bag and there
were only towels and some sunscreen. Christ, I thought to
myself.

I turn around and here she is walking to the door, iPhone

and a magazine in hand. Now I have nothing against the iPhone,
except for that Ive seen a girl cry because she didnt have one
and everyone else did, and I really hated to judge what she
wanted to read. But on the cover of this magazine I could clearly
see a bombardment of headlines. It was all this bullshit having to
do with looking better. I had hung around girls all my life, so this

9
was nothing new to me, but today these particular things were
bothering me for a reason. Like I said, I was irritated this day.

I just remember starring at the magazine in her hand.

Are you ok?, she asked me. Yeah, Im fine... After I said Im
fine, I was immediately overcome by a wave of realization of
bullshit. It was like a spell. I looked at her wrist and she was
wearing what looked to be an expensive watch. I grabbed her
wrist gently and pulled it up to me to examine the watch closer.
On it I read Michael Kors. Now I knew I had heard of that
bastard before. Ive practically seen him drive a few girls mad
over the years because they had to have all his shit.

I looked at her top, and I had a feeling it was expensive as

well. It had to be if she was wearing this watch. Then I looked
down at her sandals. Holy shit, I said out loud. Fuck me,
there it was. It was the same satanic cult symbol that was on the
beach bag. Are you high?, she asked me. I just ignored her
which probably did make her think I was fucked up. I just grazed
her whole outfit up and down with my eyes. Great, shes a
walking target. Shes got to be wearing hundreds of dollars of
shit on her right now, I thought to myself.

Is her bathing suit made out of gold under these

clothes?, I wondered. I thought I could be being dramatic, but
after seeing the demon bag and sandals, I wasnt so sure. As we
were getting ready to walk out, I saw her grab a pair sunglasses
off the table next to the door. I couldnt look. I was afraid of
seeing the same satanic cult symbol again for the third time in a
row and causing some sort of trifecta that would open up a
demon portal and start summoning spirits from the underworld.
Ok, now Im being dramatic. Still, I didnt want to look.

Its On Display For You

So now I get to explain why I was irritated. Usually this
stuff wouldnt bother me, its a girls life practically, but its just

10
that the day before this had been some years since my grandpa
had died. He died from lung cancer after a few years of battling
with the shit. Something had hit me on that day when I started
thinking about him dying while I was smoking a blunt alone. My
grandpa always liked to dress well, and he loved his watches and
his shoes.
He always looked dapper. His clothes were always high
quality and he had a lot of suits and tuxedos. He always used to
tell me it was this or that, but I never had the heart to tell him I
could hardly give two fucks about the difference between a suit
and a tuxedo, and that I didnt care to spend a second of my time
learning. I know the difference now, but they still look like the
same shit to me at the end of the day.
Fuck, I can still remember softly saying to myself.
Tears began to roll down my face. What I realized was that my
grandpa didnt give a rats ass about any of that stuff for
probably about a whole year up until his death when he knew he
was done. I remembered he didnt really care about what he was
wearing. It just had to be a shirt and pants. I mean, I had realized
this before kind of, but everything hit me at once this time. He
didnt care about cars and he didnt talk about politics like he
was known for. My mind began racing for what we did the whole
last year of his life and what we talked about. I remembered
watching a basketball game with him. The Detroit Pistons were
on, his favorite team. We were all watching the game as a family.
Boom. I felt a wave of guilt, or sadness, or whatever the
fuck it was, but I began crying like a girl. He wasnt enjoying
that basketball game. He was not truly enjoying the game itself.
He was watching it because we were spending time together.
Thats the only time I watch sports really, is if a family member
likes sports. One exception is that Ill watch auto racing, but
people dont really call that a sport. I think most people are right.
Theyre not athletes. Theyre race car drivers. Thats a better title
in my opinion. Rambling, I know.

11
 Looking back on watching this game though with my
grandpa, I remembered he wasnt loud, and he wasnt talking
about the players like he always used to. He didnt care about the
game itself I realized. He cared about spending time with us.
I began having other thoughts, of him sitting at the dinner
table with whoever he could, whatever came to my mindhe
was always spending time with family during that final year.
Then I tried to remember what he would talk about. It was all old
memories of the family. The grandchildren, funny things that
would happen on holidays, it was all times that he spent with us
that he wanted to talk about. There was a steady stream of tears
rolling down my face now. They werent even tears, it was like a
water faucet.
The main thing that hit me was how much material things
really meant to a dying man. And the answer was zero fucking
percent. It didnt mean shit. All he wanted to do was spend time
with us. I looked around my living room at all this stuff I cared
about in this universe, and from that day things have been
different.
So this is why I was irritated. And this is most definitely
why I began to have a damn near of an acid trip of despisement
towards all of Katies brand name shit when I saw it. I felt like I
saw a girl who didnt want to be left out, and a girl who probably
thought she needed expensive shit to be up to standard. I was
thinking I could be wrong at the time, but I still wanted to drive
her up to Walmart and buy her a t-shirt and some cheap pants
and show her how beautiful she is no matter what she is wearing.
Pants from Walmart? Every girl is probably vomiting
right now as they read this. I bet if Kim Kardashian were wearing
it Katie probably wouldnt have minded though. Why do we
care about these people so fucking much?, I thought. More
thoughts began to rush into my head, so I tried my best to stop.
She didnt deserve this. I was keeping it in very well, but I just

12
wanted to enjoy her company, even if this brand name shit was
bothering me. Maybe she honestly does like this stuff, but I still
felt like if her idols were wearing whatever, she probably would
be too.

13
 Chapter 2: A Drive
I was wearing some cheap ass bathing suit and one of my
favorite t-shirts. I do care about my clothing, but never really the
brand name stuff. I only care about the design on the shirt. It has
to say something about me, but if its expensive, fuck it, Im not
buying it. Its like that thrift shop song, where it talks about an
idiot paying 100 dollars for a t-shirt or something.
Anyway, this day I was wearing a black shirt with a
shadowy figure on it, clearly a male, holding a string going up to
the moon. He had the moon attached to the string like it was a
balloon. Under the moonlight, he was handing the moon to a
shadowy female figure. The shirt was named I Would Give You
the Moon. I ordered it fairly cheap online. Katie really liked this
shirt. She mentioned it when I showed up at her house, and again
in the car at some point.
I was driving and Katie and I were talking. We talked
about everything. I was beginning to find out that this girl was
awesome. I asked her what she thought about the universe. She
had some deep thoughts. She said she had a telescope at home
that she received as a gift but she didnt use it much anymore.
She asked me if I liked to watch the stars.
Of course I did. I told her a little bit about Einsteins
relativity and how time is relative, etc. I saw her look up at the
sky to the Sun as I was driving. We just orbit around it. This life
is kind of crazy, I remember her saying. She told me later it was
the first time she understood gravity as a concept of the bending
of spacetime.
But mainly, I just wanted to listen to her to talk, because I
always remembered the best advice I have ever received in my
entire life from a teacher.

14
 I was suspended in 9th grade for smoking weed and sent
to alternative to out of school suspension. Daniel had slammed
almost a whole bottle of Grey Goose while he drove us back to
school, and the dumb motherfucker completely lost his mind
when we went into the office to get a late pass. The teacher
questioned us and he totally flipped out. I guess he was an angry
drunk. She called the officer over and I was high as a kite. I had
drank a little bit, but mainly I was just stoned. I tried to tell them
I had pink eye in both eyes but it didnt work.
It was primarily all males in out of school suspension,
ATOSS they called it, and one day during my stay there the
teacher said, Boys, Im going to tell you the easiest thing you
can do to make a woman happy. He said, You will have an
advantage over 99% of men out there if you do this. He told us
that ever since he had done this more, his wife had practically
fallen in love with him twice over.
Wow, he sure had our attention. I looked around the room
as he had all the males undivided attention. All of them were
probably wondering if they were going to get laid that night,
thinking a magic sex fairy was about to come bless us with
wisdom or something. I also had my hopes up about what this
genie was about to say. Listen, he said. OK were listening, I
could tell we were all thinking.
Thats it, he said. All you have to do is listen to her
when she talks. Listen more. We all just kind of stared at him
like a buffoon. You monster, one of the kids said. I dont know
what this man was expecting. Everyone was there for fighting,
smoking, drinking, or taking drugs. We didnt listen to anybody
at the time. But it turns out that it was the best advice Ive ever
received.

15
Now Let Me Take a Trip
Thats always been burned into my brain ever since, so I
listened to Katie as she told me where she was from, and what it
was like growing up for her. We were talking about her
childhood already. This girl is awesome, I thought to myself.
She was opening up really fast. I knew it would probably only be
a few months before she would be willing to tell me her deepest
secrets and most embarrassing things that have happened to her. I
love when a girl does that.
My girl friends always joke that I am a Scorpio so they
know their secrets are safe with me. I dont know why they trust
me for that reason, but it is true surprisingly. I have always been
good at keeping peoples secrets. I also had a reputation for not
snitching in high school. A.P. Diaz would always try to reduce
my time in ATOSS from 10 to 5 days if I told him who I was
with. He always knew that when he caught me fucked up that
there was another kid in the school somewhere probably drooling
in his desk or vomiting in the bathroom.
By my senior year, the office lady would always say
You know hes not going to tell you anything. I would always
tell him something like No disrespect Diaz, but you know Im
not telling you shit. He would say calmly that I was getting ten
days then. I would just ask him if he could make it twenty. They
all liked me a lot to be honest, they told me all the time they did.
The principal hailed me and bowed down to me as a joke
during graduation rehearsal. I was just the kid who got fucked up
all the time. I wasnt robbing people or stealing and I never
flipped out of them like most kids did. I knew they were just
doing what they had to do. It still wasnt going to stop me from
getting fucked up though. It was like a cat and mouse game of
trying to catch me when I was loaded.
Anyway, Katie would ask me some questions but I felt
like she was mainly doing it because she felt like she was

16
probably talking too much at times. I like that though. Talking is
a pain in the ass for me. Im only talking a lot about myself right
now because this is my fucking book. I mainly just wanted to tell
her a little bit about relativity and see what she thought about
life, and then I shut up. I had heard all I needed to. I liked her. I
would just ask her something else or mention another thing to get
her going a million miles an hour again. I loved it. Spending time
with her during this car ride I remember a tight warmness in my
chest.
It was like I was on Vicodin again. After my grandpa
died, I stole all the Vicodin. Ive never seen my mom cry so
much when she found out I had taken all of them. I didnt see
what the problem was. I started to take a lot of drugs in high
school. I never really asked myself why I was doing it. I just felt
like doing drugs all the time though. Near the end up high school
when I started to break up with my girlfriend, every day was a
search to get as high as I could.
But during this drive I felt euphoric. We were really
vibing, just two people spending time together. I felt like she
didnt have any guards up, like when a girl does when she thinks
your end goal is to get in her pants by the end of the day. Maybe
she was just this way normally, or if it was because I honestly
wasnt concerned with getting in her pants. I think girls can feel
that shit.

17
 Chapter 3: Kiss Land
A lot of guys Ive tried to tell that I could not just simply
have sex with a girl and not feel any type of way about it, think I
am a fag or something. I feel like some of them could literally just
be like, Hello. Have Sex. Goodbye. See you never again. Fine,
if some people truly enjoy that. Im not going to judge, but its not
what I enjoy.
Like dude, you know you would fuck the shit out of her,
one of my male friends said to me once about a girl we knew
about, but we didnt really know her on a personal level. This was
back in high school sometime, and this would be one of the first
and few times Ive talked about sex with a male friend.
Fine. Like I would, I started to tell him. I should have
just shut my mouth right there but I continued. I
wouldeventuallybut if she wanted to have sex on the first day
I wouldnt.
Youre an idiot or a liar, he said laughing. Dude,
comon. Youre lying. You would fuck her now.
I may have to admit, maybe I am kind of fucking weird.
He was really pressuring me, so eventually I started talking off
the top of my head the circumstances in which maybe I would
have sex with a girl without hardly knowing her. I do remember
trying to explain to him that I think its enormously better when
there is a deep connection. It was the only way I knew how at the
time. I still remember some of the shit I told him.
I told him if I had to have sex on the first day that the girl
better spill her heart out fast. I remember he looked at me really
fucking weird for that one. I told him that I would also need to
tell her my beliefs about the universe, and the human body and

18
soul for that matter. Get ready to cringe more. I told him
something along the lines of:
I want to know everything about her, even if it has to be
during foreplay while we are kissing. I like eye contact, and a lot
of kissing. If I can tell shes acting or not genuine, or not really
feeling it, then Im going to stop. I dont care if she wants just
sex, shes not going to get it. If I was with her for a while, sure
we can do just sex. It doesnt have to be that intimate every time
then. If its going to be on the first day she should also be very
comfortable kissing. If shes not comfortable kissing, then we
shouldnt be having sex and Ill stop. I was all over the place.
He was just laughing at me. It makes me smile now. To some
girls, I heard kissing is more intimate than sex. I think they are
both intimate, but that always sounded off to me.
The one thing that I didnt want to tell this jerk at the
time, was that I dont fuck. I make love. Hard. At this point in
my life when I was talking to him, I had only had sex with one
girl, my girlfriend, but she used to cry during sex sometimes.
Most of the time it was after a very deep conversation which led
to sex. I dont even want to call it sex, because it was making
love, but people dont seem to like that phrase.
I dont want to say her name because it will be weird
referring to her by another name. I just cant make up a name for
her. But I remember the first time she cried during sex was after
she had gotten done telling me about how a group of girls were
picking on her.
My parents were out of town so we both knew or thought
she wouldnt be able to come over. Her mom or dad always
dropped her off at my house and had to see my parents, and if I
picked her up, her mom would call my mom on the phone to
make sure somebody was home. Her parents were buying her
birth control though. Maybe they didnt trust us for some reason.

19
 We both needed to see each other though. I was dying to
see her and comfort her. It was driving me insane. I needed her in
my arms. We were only on the phone for about ten minutes until
she said she needed to do what we talked about before. We had
talked about a few days earlier that she could lie to her parents
and say she was going to a friends house, but she was super
afraid of her parents finding out and not being able to see me
again. I asked her if I could come over but she said it would be
torture because we always had to have the door open and she
wouldnt be able to hug me that much. She said even if her
parents find out, that nothing was going to stop her from seeing
me, so she decided to go through with the plan.
Her girlfriend pulled through and picked her up from her
house. Her parents trusted this girlfriend, and saw her get in the
car and thought nothing more of it. Her girlfriend drove her
straight to my house. She was so hurt. I felt so terrible for her,
because I knew she was an absolute sweetheart. She was a very
warm girl, the definition of a sweet personality. I held her in my
arms for more than 3 hours at least, and we walked through the
things that she could do to get out of that situation.
She stopped crying and I remember I was just holding
her, and after a while she started stroking my face so softly and
slowly. She kissed me on the cheek so gently it was like an
angel, and she was running her fingers through my hair. I always
loved it when she did that. I had medium-length hair and
something about having a little bit longer hair always felt so
good when she ran her fingers through it. It never felt as good
when I had really short hair. We sat there with our arms squeezed
around each other and she was rubbing her nose so slowly on my
cheek, every now and then giving me another soft kiss on my
cheek like an angel.
Now, I definitely wasnt going to try and have sex with
her. Im not going to lie, I was feeling so much love for her, but I
didnt want to take advantage of the situation. I never wanted her

20
to think I was using her or taking advantage of a situation, or that
she owed me anything for me talking to her. I didnt even want
to hint at having sex. Wow, did I really want to show her how
much I loved her though.
Even the first time we had sex was when she finally
asked me. We were both still virgins. I would say it took us a
while compared to most people I have met. I had met her the
year before in 9th grade in the lunch line and we talked a little bit,
then we went to our separate spots. The next day I caught her
looking at me a lot, probably wondering if in my stupid guy head
if I remembered that we had talked. I was nervous, but I went
and said hi to her again and we got in line and talked more. She
started waiting for me every day to get in line.
I asked for her phone number after a little bit and we
started talking every night. She went to bed earlier than me so
she would call in her bed every night before she went to sleep.
She was very clingy and obsessive and I loved it. We talked
every night over the summer but she didnt want to tell her
parents about me, and she was really nervous about bringing me
in her house when her parents werent home. She said if they
smelled a guy they would kill her. We would usually hang out at
the mall and if she left while her parents were home she always
had to bring a girlfriend with her. We had our first kiss outside of
the movie theatre.
School started again, and she eventually told her parents
about me. She would be allowed to come over if my parents were
home. We started kissing in my room a lot, but I never grabbed
anywhere that would lead to sex and she never reached for me or
anything. We were just learning spots on the neck and we
learned to kiss really good during this time. We cuddled a lot and
she learned how to do this hair massage that would make me
shiver.

21
 We learned so many massages for each other. There was
a lot of trial and error, but I learned the exact way she liked her
feet, shoulders, and back to be massaged along with her scalp.
My parents never checked on us and I honestly think that they
thought we were having quiet sex in my room. We hadnt done
that yet at this point though. She asked one time if I wanted to
touch her breasts with her clothes still on, but not her butt or
vagina. Eventually she had me start squeezing her butt through
her pants, but the front was off limits.
After a few months, she asked if we could just be naked
together. She said she was nervous about being naked but I made
her feel comfortable. We would just lay and cuddle together
naked. I started letting her touch mine first and she would just
sleep with it in her hand during these times. I knew she would be
a lot more comfortable if I let her explore me first. We eventually
went together and bought our own oil for her body and along
with so many other massages, she loved the ears and her thighs
the most probably. I would oil her up naked right on my bed. I
went to school in learning the way she liked everything, all
tailored special to her.
I used to get so horny especially massaging her butt, and I
wasnt allowed to touch her vagina at that time, so one time I just
started masturbating for about five seconds without thinking.
Do it, she said. I want to watch. Then she asked me if she
could try. I told her it was about to come out and that it shoots, so
she put her hand over it. She let it go all over her hand and she
said after she wanted to see what it felt like. She wasnt too
thrilled at first, but later in our relationship when she started
thinking about having babies she became obsessed with it. She
said everything in there was her property.
It had been like at least four or five months since school
started when she asked if I could try masturbating her, and we
started to go from there. I remember the first time she let me
touch it and masturbate her. It was so soft on the outside and

22
moist I would rub it with my whole hand. I wasnt allowed to go
inside her during this time. She started asking me for more and
more until she was ready for our first time. We both learned
together.
For some reason, it may sound kind of evil, but I really
wanted her to almost need it, maybe even beg for it. I think if I
really wanted to (which I didnt), I could have probably pressed
the issue more and rushed it sooner, and I think she would have
gone along with it. But I remember having this feeling during
that time that I wanted her to reach her climax of not being able
to resist me. It really turned me on to see her so comfortable and
relaxed. I wanted her to be dying for it instead of pressuring her.
I let her come all the way to me. Like a Lion I stood from a far
and watched her get closer. I really wanted her to trust me with
her body. She always talked about that, and I really wanted this
trust.
After our first time, I did start initiating it when I could
tell she wanted it because I knew she liked it when I surprised
her every now and then. A lot of times she liked to attack me
with her lips and start it first. We felt it out.
We started to leave school a lot when we couldnt control
ourselves in the morning and go to her house when her parents
were at work, at least once a week, usually more. I would call the
school absence hotline and pretend to be her dad, and she would
call and pretend to be my mom so that the school wouldnt call
our parents when we didnt show up to homeroom, and also so
she would be allowed to get an excused absence to hand in her
school work.
We would many times make love or have sex from seven
in the morning until one of her parents was about to come home
and I would have to leave, the worst part of the day. Some days
we had less sex and snuggled more. My grades started falling but

23
she always kept up on hers. She was really smart and in the
advanced classes.
We started to appreciate quiet sex because of her house
though. We would do it so loud when her parents werent home
that we got used to it. So when we would do it in my room at my
house, she got the hottest worried face and she would bite her
lips trying to not moan so that my parents wouldnt hear her.
I would go 3-4 times at least at her house, a lot of times
more than that. I never could count hers. She usually used to get
sensitive after she did it 1 or 2 times, but then throughout the day
she could always do many more by my tongue or my fingers, and
then she would be ready again.
Speaking of fingers, I remember the first time with my
fingers was magical, which was before the first time we had sex.
I washed my hands good and we laid in bed kissing while we
explored herself together finding good spots. She told me she felt
so close to me letting me do that. Later in our relationship she
loved to just kiss or have me look her in the eyes while feeling
around her slowly and stroking her inside. We found the spot
together.
We made our own vagina massage for her. She told me
what feels good and what doesnt, and it kind of took a while, but
I found exactly how she likes it. I hate to say it, but the vagina
massage became one of her favorites. Looking back on it we
became a couple of jackrabbits together. We couldnt even stop
when she had her cycle. Sometimes she was hornier during it. I
always brought my blankets from home. We used to joke that we
didnt want her parents to think shes a serial killer.

24
 Chapter 4: The Noise
But she was happy on all of those days. We had never
had sex after she cried before, and I had never seen her this sad.
My love for her was incredible. I remember when I was holding
her after we talked for hours, my chest was bursting for her and I
really did want to make love to her right there, but I didnt want
to do it if she was feeling bad.
Little did I know at the time she really wanted me to have
her. She knew I cared about her and loved her so much. She had
a gentle heart like most girls, even though I think modern day
society is driving them to be coldhearted. She started nibbling on
my neck and caressing me softly everywhere. My face, my chest,
my whole upper body, she started slowly rubbing me all over
while she laid on my shoulder giving me slow kisses like an
angel.
Then all the sudden, she swooped on top of me and
pushed my chest slowly, making me lean back into the couch.
She pressed her lips hard against mine taking a deep breath in
through her nose. I knew she really wanted it now.
I grabbed her face with both of my hands. We started
kissing slowly and then it got more aggressive. She took off my
shirt right away. I untied her hair and started running my fingers
through the back of her hair. I remember she let out a nice moan
when I did that. She gathered her long beautiful hair to one side
and sprawled it out over my bare chest while we were kissing.
I lifted her shirt to just under breasts so I could see her
beautiful tummy. I was massaging her waist softly with both
hands while we were kissing and then I put my hands on her ribs
and held her. She let out another long moan. She grabbed both

25
my hands and moved them onto her still clothed breasts and
started squeezing my hands for me.
I didnt intend on this being an erotic novel or some sort
of sex book, and Im trying not to be too graphic, so Im going to
fast forward. I also dont want this chapter to take up the most of
the book.
Anyway, I had gone down on her during foreplay. I
always liked for her to do one first. Eventually Im making love
to her. I had picked her up and I had her against the wall. She had
her arms wrapped so tight around me she was about to suffocate
me, but I didnt care. Her face was buried in my neck and her
legs wrapped around me.
I was thrusting her against the wall and then I remember I
heard her start crying. I knew it wasnt the wall that was hurting
her because we had talked about this stuff before. I knew she
loved that. There was a feeling that words cant describe, but I
had a feeling she was just overwhelmed with emotion. I asked
her if she was OK. I still remember her exact words. Im in
heaven right now, baby. I love you so much, *****.
Then I knew I was right. I whispered into her ear, Let it
out baby. I love you. I carried her over to the kitchen table and
kept going. I could hear her sniffling and crying, while she was
moaning loud with pleasure. It sounds like a weird combination,
but it fit together so right. I heard her say Im and start
pronounce an S syllable, and I knew immediately in that
second what she was going to say. I interrupted her instantly and
told her its ok, and to not apologize.
I told her I would never judge her, and I just kept telling
her things like Let go, You can release everything, and how
beautiful she is. I told her she could surrender her soul to me, and
that I care for her so much. We told each other I love you

26
several times. Her tears were rolling down my neck onto my
chest.
I remember the feeling when I put her on the kitchen
table. I didnt have to hold her by her butt or legs anymore, so it
got even more intense. I was able to grab her whole body. I
wanted to touch her everywhere. Her legs were wrapped around
me while she was on the table, and I remember caressing the
inside of her thighs and every inch of her body while thrusting
into her.
I was kissing her all over her neck and face and she just
kept kissing me anywhere she could reach while running her
fingers through my hair, sometimes pulling my hair, but I never
cared when she did that. She liked holding onto it. At one point,
she buried her face in my neck and let out loud, muffled screams.
I could still see her eyes watering.
I remember seeing the chairs that were at the kitchen bar
top. They were taller chairs with a cloth seat and cloth back, and
it was too perfect that some were already turned with the back
against the counter. I knew right away when I saw it that I
wanted her there. I took her off the table and put her in the chair
kind of hard and kept going. She was leaned a little bit back so
she put her arms around me for support and her legs opened up a
little more.
I asked her if she was going to want it from behind but
she said she didnt want to leave my face. We started making out
hard and squeezing each other after she said that. I remember the
chair slamming against the counter in a nice rhythm. The sound
actually helped me.
Most of the time she said she just wanted to give herself
to me, and I liked that because I wanted to have my way with
her. I never minded if she didnt do much. I loved watching her
look like she was in a trance. I wanted her to zone out and

27
sometimes being on top for example, she would come back to
reality. Mainly I just wanted her to let go and free her soul and
mind. She relaxed the most when she could just hold me and feel
me while giving me her beautiful angel kisses all over my face.
The decision between top or bottom always turned me on
so much though, that I have to talk about it. Sometimes she
would do it so good and show me how much she loved me with
her waist if she was on top. She always liked to do it slow. But if
it was off, and I knew she wanted me to take her, I would finally
make the decision and put her on her back or tummy instantly
and start going at it.
Im sorry if that sounds bad, but I knew exactly what she
liked. She would give me hints when to do it. We both loved it
with her on top, but usually only when she was calm. If it was
too intense she needed me to practically attack her with love.
But this time, she only wanted me from the front, and it
feels right looking back on it. I only asked her if she wanted it
from behind to make sure. Most of the time she liked it from the
front. The back was a treat for me but she liked it just as much.
We were covered in sweat, saliva, and her tears, and it was the
hottest thing ever. By this time, she had also reached every part
of my body: my chest, my shoulders, my face, anywhere she
could reach with her lips. We were all over each other. I think we
both wanted fifty extra arms and tongues just to feel and kiss
each other.
I just remember every push into her feeling like heaven.
At one point, we played our usual game in the heat of the
moment. We liked to stare into each others eyes and the first
person to close their eyes loses. It was only for bragging rights.
We loved doing that. We both agreed that staring into the
pupils of each other was like a kaleidoscope of love. It was
tunnel vision. The longer we locked our eyes on each other, the

28
more we could feel our souls surrender to each other and meld. I
loved when she would look into my eyes and moan. Her eyes
would start doing this flutter thing after a while.
For some strange reason If we did it long enough, we
would end up asking each other stuff like, How have you been
lately, super slowly. Or things like Are you ok. We both
would always just smile looking into each others eyes, and say
we are doing good or something, while still going at it. It was
like our souls saying hello. We always told each other I love
you, at least once every time we would play the game.
I need to speed up this book, so Ill just say it. She had
the hardest and loudest orgasm, ever. I think she screamed for at
least 30 seconds while she was orgasming, barely able to catch
her breath in between. She dug her nails so hard into my back
while she was cumming that we found out later she had broken
skin, I didnt care though. It was a good thing she came when she
did, because I could feel it coming too. We had only orgasmed at
the same time together a few times before this, but those times
we actually tried to do it. This time was almost completely
natural.
I admit, I had been trying to hold on a little bit, changing
my mindset to not cum. She felt bad when I slipped up and told
her that one time, and sometimes when she thought I was doing it
she would start talking very sexy to make me cum faster. One
time she said Youre doing it, and told me in the sexiest voice
that she would make me lunch for a week if I could come in her
pussy within the next minute. On one of those days she made me
her favorite sandwich. She would put this sauce on it that was
delicious.
Plus, she always knew I would finish her off with my
tongue or give her favorite vagina massage if she did that, and
then I would be ready again. I honestly always put her pleasure
before mine though. Almost all of my excitement came from

29
seeing how much she was pleasured by me. I loved being her
drug.
I felt like our souls were being drained into each other
when we came. I remember I fell into her as she held me, and I
pushed too deep into her and felt the opening of her cervix. It
kind of hurts the head when that happens. But I felt every inch of
my body draining into her. She screamed even louder as she
could feel me filling her body up with warmness.
After we came, I collapsed into her and she just held me.
I stayed inside of her and I leaned my head on her shoulder
hugging her while she was still in the chair. We were both
breathing heavily. She was kissing me everywhere and she
couldnt stop telling me how much she loved me. She started
tearing up again. I couldnt stop telling her how she was the most
beautiful girl on this earth.
I picked her up while she was laying on my shoulder and
I carried her to the couch. She was very limp. I leaned backwards
into the couch and laid down and adjusted her head onto my
chest. She just laid there on me with her eyes closed like she was
under anesthesia, occasionally whispering to me how much she
loved me. She told me she didnt know what else to say. All she
could say was that she loved me. I told her I loved her so much.

30
 Chapter 5: Make America
Wet Again
I think we had to of laid there on the couch for at least
one or two hours, and then she asked me if she could shower, but
then she said she thinks shes too lazy and that she couldnt get
up from laying with me. I knew immediately what I had to do. I
whispered into her ear Wait here, and covered her with the
blanket. I went to my parents bathroom and started filling up the
bath with steamy water. I went to grab some candles, and my
shampoo so I could shower.
I made sure everything was perfect, and then I turned the
lights off leaving a nice glow in the bathroom from the candles. I
went back to the couch and she opened her eyes and started
smiling at me. I think she heard me filling up the bath. I went and
kissed her on the lips, then picked her up longways, and carried
her to the bathroom. We decided to rinse off in the shower first
and then she got in the bath.
I got in the water with her and we started to cuddle up in
each others arms. She asked if I thought it would be gross if she
washed her hair in the bath, or if she should go shower her hair
really quick. She said her hair just felt Icky. The bath sounded
like a great idea to me so I said in the bath. I went to reach over
for my shampoo that she had picked out for me. She always
spent so much time with her nose buried in my hair that I joked
one day she should pick a smell she really likes. She took me up
on the offer. Ive been buying girl shampoos ever since.
I remember seeing the tips of her beautiful hair soaked in
the water so I got the urge to ask her if I could wash her hair for
her. Of course, baby. I would love that actually, she said

31
smiling. I leaned her back slowly in water and supported her
head with my arm and began stroking her hair straight back from
her forehead. After I had wetted her hair, I lifted her up gently
and got behind her to support her. I started massaging her scalp
as I rubbed the shampoo in with both hands. She started letting
out very soft moans. She turned to the side and pulled me in
softly and gave me another gentle kiss like an angel.
After I was done I leaned her head slowly back again into
the water, and started massaging all the shampoo out from her
hair. As I was supporting her head laying in the water, she pulled
my face to hers and shoved her tongue into my mouth. I want to
make love again, she said. I feel sore though. I think Im really
sore, but I want you again so bad baby, she told me. Can you
be gentle, and if it hurts, can we stop? I was kind of appalled
that she even asked me if we could stop if it hurt, like I wouldnt
stop or something. She knew she could tell me anything in the
moment. Tell me immediately if you dont feel good, I told
her.
Or maybe, she said while biting her tongue smiling.
What a cutie. She didnt want to say it. Its always hotter when
she didnt have to ask. I liked her hints. I moved towards the
other side of the bath, and lifted her pelvis to the surface of the
water. I buried my face between her legs. She was soaked and I
knew it. The texture was different from water and I began
drinking from her like a fountain. I was kissing her on her lips
and then started opening her up with my tongue. Her moans were
incredible. They were constant. I loved the feeling of her hands
all over my head pushing me into her.
She threw her legs around my shoulders and started
squeezing me between her legs. I moved up to her clit, which
when I had first discovered this on her I jokingly nicknamed it
the ball, and I started circling my tongue around it. I kissed the
ball, and started caressing it directly with my tongue. I loved to
kiss her down there all over her soft, spongy lips. I would bury

32
every part of my face into her. I always needed to shave
everyday back then. She had another screaming orgasm very
quickly.
When she was done, I saw the bath foam so I put some in
and we stayed in the tub for a while cuddling, until the water
started to get cold. I told her we should go cuddle and fall asleep
in my bed. She just smiled with her eyes closed and said Yes. I
told her I need to shower first and she asked if she could come in
with me. I helped her out of the water and we got in the shower.
We just stood there for a couple of minutes hugging
while the warm water was flowing over us. I got some shampoo
and put it on my hair, and she started massaging it in for me
while giving me kisses on my neck and cheek. I want to return
the favor, she said as she started washing the soap out from my
hair.
She grabbed my face and crashed her lips on mine and
then smiled at me, her eyes beaming into mine. Then she went
down to her knees. She started kissing the head all over and then
the shaft. She grabbed me like a cloud down there and started
stroking the twins. I dont know how guys want a random girl to
give them a blowjob. You have to really trust a girl down there.
She had my life in her hands practically.
I got the shower head and aimed the water on her body so
she wouldnt be cold. Time always slowed down when she gave
me a blowjob. She always liked to do it very slowly, but I didnt
mind at all. It was always when we were really calm together that
she felt like giving me one.
She opened up her mouth and put just the head in. She
didnt move and I just felt her tongue circling around me very
slowly. Then she started to move forward gently. She wrapped
her arms around me and started moving her mouth back and forth
in a slow rhythm. The way she used to love me with her mouth

33
was incredible. It was like when she would kiss me with passion.
She was really zoned when she did it. I always loved feeling her
soft face and hair while she did it, or any part of her body.
I always waited until I felt the right time to ask the
question. Sometimes she wanted it and sometimes she didnt.
Can I?, I asked. She nodded yes and moaned with me still
inside of her mouth. I put my left hand on the back of her head,
and gripped the side of her neck with my right hand. On her next
rhythm forward I began to push slowly towards the back of her
throat while helping her bring her head closer. We had talked
about this stuff before. Only when she was really into it did she
like to be choked. She said she liked trying to get all of me and
that it really means she trusts me and loves me.
I was uncomfortable with doing that to her at first until I
realized thats what she really wanted. She got me very into the
trust thing. I realized for her to be put out of control for a little
bit but know she was safe with me really turned her on. Im still
crazy about this trust stuff now.
Then she yanked her mouth away and pulled straight
back on my cock with her hand and let out a huge moan. She
loved pulling my foreskin all the way back, because she knew
how sensitive it was. She liked that I trusted her with it. She
started licking and kissing under the head so softly, then she put
the whole head in her mouth again. It looked like she was trying
to give it a kiss with her mouth full, and then she pulled her head
back. I just had to say hello, she said smiling looking up at me.
She brought my foreskin back to the front and started
doing slow, hard strokes with her mouth. I could feel my head
start to swell and she knew it was coming. The strokes with her
soft mouth became harder. She always put the most effort in
towards the end or it could hurt. My foreskin started moving
back and forth as she massaged me. I started moaning louder and
then I could hear her moaning with me still in her mouth.

34
 I grabbed her hair in a ponytail with my left hand and put
my right hand on her neck. She moaned to let me know she
wanted it so I started choking her gently. I think the ending
would take me another two paragraphs to describe the feeling
and Im just not feeling up to it right now. Im probably going to
need to go masturbate soon thinking about her to be honest.
If youre wondering what she did with it, she always said
those were her babies and her property. I started eating a lot of
fruit for her. If it wasnt inside of her, then she wanted it. She
used to hold the storage and say if I ever gave another woman
her babies even to drink, that she would buy a gun and kill me
and then probably herself. That always turned me on.
She couldnt get her birth control for a few days one time
and we were worried, but I also could come more times from
masturbation and blowjobs than sex for some reason. She
masturbated me six times with a mix of her tongue and two full
blowjobs, and she wanted every single one until the last drops by
the eighth time. Then we found out it was possibly good for her.
We spent a lot of time on the internet together.
I never lasted very long in her mouth though. I also
always tried to cum a little bit faster after she told me that her
jaw hurts if she does it for too long. I never minded, because if
she got tired, she loved to kiss and lick it everywhere while
giving me a hand job. Hand jobs are underrated in my opinion,
especially the way she did it with the kisses. She said she liked
doing it especially because she got to slow down and give
attention to her baby. That reminds me how she also used to like
to call me daddy which was weird at first but I began to like it.
We got out of the shower and I wrapped a towel around
her. I got another one for her hair and started damping the excess
water off. I knew she liked her hair to air dry. She just stood
there smiling, sometimes closing her eyes like she was going to

35
fall asleep or pass out. I would have thought she was on Valium
if I didnt know any better.
I asked her if she was hungry but she said no and that she
just wanted to cuddle, so I scooped her up, carried her to my bed
and laid her down, and tucked her in my covers. I love your
smell, she said and closed her eyes. I told her I would be right
back. Where are you going?, she asked me. I told her I was
hungry and I had to go to eat cereal really quick, and then brush
my teeth. She wanted to come with me so she got out of bed and
put on her pajamas. She sat with me while I ate cereal and I
started giving her bites. I kept refilling the bowl, and I think she
had a couple of bowls at least. It was cute.

36
 Chapter 6: The Morning
I set out pans for the next morning and checked the fridge
for what we had so I could make her breakfast in the morning.
She adored when I made her stuff even though I dont think it
was very good, and sometimes I would bring her food at school,
but I think it gave birth to this weird plan she got about getting
married and me taking care of everything.
She got almost straight As despite us leaving school to
have sex so much, and we were both honest with each other and
knew she would very possibly end up making more money,
which I didnt care if she made more money. Some people have a
problem with that I guess.
She said I could cook dinner every night and clean
everything around the house. Her parents never cooked much.
She wanted to have babies and have me raise them, and pretty
much have me do all the woman stuff. Sorry if that sounds bad.
The title is hard for me to say for some reason, but she wanted
me to be a stay at home husband. She did always say I would be
the best daddy in the world. I didnt really agree and I still dont,
but I loved that so much I cant put it into words.
One of her main reasons was that her parents worked a lot
her whole life and she didnt want that to happen to our kids. I
guess she actually wanted to work also. It finally came out one
day when she said she cant imagine being a house mom, which
kind of irritated me for some reason.
She always said she would come home and jump into my
arms every day and she especially wanted to have a little girl and
lay on the couch with her and daddy every night. She talked
about that all the time. Thats another story in itself, but when
she first told me that, we eventually started making love and she

37
cried during that time too. We were staring into each others
eyes. I never said I didnt shed some tears either during that time.
I did start to get onboard with the idea but Im not sure I
could do it. I felt like it would be weird with her buying
everything, I wouldve had to do something. I was also afraid of
it not turning out like she expected. I think she was mostly just
dreaming. Nothing ever turns how its supposed to.
I did fuel the fire one time and tell her I could massage
her favorite spots every day after dinner, and she only ever talked
about dinner so I added in breakfast in the morning before she
left, and making sure she had lunch every day. That kind of set
her off. I remember then she started talking naughty that I could
sex her up every night after the massage.
And sorry to ruin a visualization if you had one, Im in
really good shape, but Ive never been super ripped or anything.
But she wanted me to have more time to work out. She really
liked that idea. She talked about doing stuff for me also, but I
never really cared about that. Like I said, I really got off on doing
stuff for her. I wanted to be like heroin for her.
Wow, high school. We were dreaming. Anyway, I went
to brush my teeth, and she asked me shyly if I minded if she used
my toothbrush after I am done because she forgot hers. We had
spent most of the night with our tongues in each others mouth
and covered in each others saliva. I dont know what she was
thinking. She brushed her teeth and then we went to the bed.
I could see the moon was out so I opened the blinds all
the way to let the light in. We laid down and she put her arms
around me and buried her face into my chest. We cuddled for a
little bit and then she started kissing me on my chest. We both
couldnt sleep. Ive been kind of horny since I gave you a b.j. in
the shower. Im already wet, I could see her smirking in the low
moonlight. Now she was being a naughty girl. I brought her face

38
up to my lips and we started kissing. She asked if I could give it
to her slow because it was still kind of sore and because she
didnt want to get sweaty. She also really liked slow sex a lot of
times.
I rolled her over on her tummy and got on top of her from
behind, and started kissing the back of her neck while she
moaned and pulled me in tighter with her hands behind her head.
I loved kissing the little dip in the back of her neck and she had
these soft little hairs when I would lift her hair up. I had showed
her I loved her so much that day and she knew it. It was time.
I yanked down her pajama bottoms to her thighs, spanked
her and squeezed her butt a few times while she turned around to
watch me in our barely lit room. I instinctively buried my face in
her butt and she screamed and collapsed back onto the pillow. I
started squeezing her cheeks together with my face in between. I
lifted her to my face and buried my tongue in every crevice from
her butt down to her pussy. I started pushing my tongue inside
and I could hear her loud moans muffled with her face in the
pillow.
I would have stayed down there longer but I couldnt wait
to get inside of her, so I grabbed a pillow and put it under her,
threw her butt down on the pillow, and I started pushing it slowly
into her soft pussy, both of us moaning when I came in. Come
here, she begged. I leaned forward towards the back of her neck
and she pulled my head in towards the pillow to kiss me on my
lips.
She started giving me very wet kisses with her tongue
while her head laid on the pillow turned to the left. I started
moving my face all over her mouth while she did it and she
started moaning. We used to cover each others faces in saliva.
My Scorpion, she whispered. She always liked to call me that.
She is the one who first introduced me to this zodiac shit. And I

39
always called her my crab. She would do these claw things to me
like a crab when we were playing.
Fuck me, she said. So much for her being sore and not
wanting to sweat. What I forgot to tell you, is that we did use to
fuck sometimes. We fucked with love. I couldnt even stop
thrusting her between my thighs while wrestling her pajama top
off. Her screams and moans filled my house once again.
I ended up laying with her in my arms, finally ready to go
to sleep. At her house in the morning when we would leave
school if we were tired, we used to like to sleep or nap with me
still inside of her, and almost every time I would wake up from
thrusting her in my sleep and we would start having sex again.
Weve had sex practically asleep before. Those times felt
like dreams until we talked about it after and both said that yes,
we had sex. So she just laid there on me while I was stroking her
hair behind her ears and away from her face and neck.
I loved laying with her and just combing my fingers
through her hair. I could tell the Sun was starting to come up
from my favorite bluish glow in the window, but one more time
before the night ended she whispered with her head laying on
me, I love you, *****.
How did I forget to tell her. I was too busy dreaming in
her hair.
I love you so much, ****, I told her.

40
 Chapter 7: Porno Monster
Wow, she really earned it, huh, one of my friends joked
when I told her some parts of that night. All of my friends know I
like The Weeknd. Some of them think its weird that I like
Abel, as they say, because of the stuff he talks about. I sound
contradictory for liking his music, but a few of my girl friends
said they can totally see me liking him. The spell was casted on
me when the music video came out for Tell Your Friends. Its
got to be the best music video ever made.
I graduated high school in 2012 and I had heard of him
before but never cared too much. Im kind of jealous now of the
people who were listening to him back then because they can say
they did it now. He actually talks about love a lot in his songs,
just in a negative way. The boy is clearly heartbroken. Ive
listened to him since that album came out and just over a year
later, Starboy comes out and Ive noticed a 1000 percent
increase in male fans. So I joke to them its not as fun anymore.
Older fans would probably hate me though too. Ive listened to
everything, and Beauty Behind the Madness is still my favorite.
Whatever. Anyway, I remember thinking about all these
times with my girlfriend when this prick was pressuring me
about sleeping with a girl without hardly knowing her. Yes, we
are back to before this started turning into some sort of sex book,
at the beginning of chapter three. I was still with my girlfriend at
the time this idiot was pestering me and there was no way I was
about to tell this asshole about a whole night of lovemaking with
my girlfriend.
All he wanted to hear me say is that I would fuck the
shit out of her to the girl in question we were talking about, but
I was having trouble saying it. I dont know why, but I remember

41
I wanted to make clear to him that putting my dick in a girl was a
bigger deal to me than that. Sue me.
He looked at me like I was batshit after I went through
that short rant about needing the girl to pour her heart out to me
first. I already gave him a fucking answer. I essentially said yes, I
would have sex with the girl without hardly knowing her, but
under the right circumstances.
Crucify me. Thats how I would do it if I had to. Even
though Im not entirely sure I would. I just said it to shut him up.
Little did I know, it would backfire on me though. You just
have to pound her man. You dont even have to look at her.
Would you do it?, he asked.
What an imbecile. I wouldnt have even gotten mad if I
didnt know he was obsessed with pornography. I knew he
watched a lot of porn because he always talked about it the few
times we hung out. Hes told me some really nasty shit before
that I didnt care at all to hear. This chronic masturbator I could
tell was a little deranged in the head.
He honestly should have been quarantined and not let
within a mile radius of any female. Put some sort of ankle
bracelet on this shitter that could detect estrogen in the air, and
zap the motherfucker every time he got close. I was actually a
little worried for his sister. This drooling masturbator was one of
the ones who you could tell was so wrapped up in pornography
that his perception of reality and women was skewed.
I dont even know why I was hanging out with this
jackoff. Our history went back a bit together, but that didnt
mean shit. Usually that does mean a lot to me though, but not
with this moron. Ive watched a fair amount of porn throughout
my life also just to get off, but I never really liked the distant sex
involved. Theres an energy about it where they are just going
through the motions. Its just blah really.

42
 Then theres also the violent pornography, which I had
seen a video of serial killer Ted Bundy talk about the dangers of.
That video made me rethink porn all together when I was
younger. I can be aggressive, and I even understand pain and
pleasure, but there is some porn out there that is pure abuse. I
heard some girls have been raped or abused on set.
I dont have a hatred for porn, but a lot of things have
made me look at differently at it and be more cautious about it.
Ive also met one too many guys who watched a ton of porn and
its obvious they are sexually deprived. Some I have felt like are
on the verge of rape. It was obvious this dry dick was one of the
sexually deprived, and I knew hed probably watched enough
porn to last a lifetime. Still he kept fucking pressuring me. The
god damned idiot could just not shut his bullet target.
Fuck off, I told him. We smoked a god damn blunt and
I left shortly afterwards. I would have left sooner, but we had
both put weed into the blunt and I didnt want to give this pervert
a free blunt so he could face it and then masturbate while
watching violent pornography after I left. I saw a virgin line up
of chronic masturbators arriving in an SUV in the driveway as I
was leaving. I had left just in fucking time.

43
 Chapter 8: Son of Sam
I cant stand rapists either. I had to make a chapter just
for this. This has got nothing to do with porn by the way. Since I
mentioned the word, Im feeling angry. I cant think of anything
more I hate in my entire life. I really cant think of one thing I
hate more. I would be able to forgive a murderer but never a
rapist. Ive thought about if I ever hit rock bottom that I would
try to become a serial killer for rapists. Find them when they get
out of jail, hunt them down, and bash them over their fucking
head with a hammer.
Its mainly a fantasy though. I dont know how many I
would be able to kill before I get caught for it to be worth my
life. Sometimes just one seems worth it. Why did I start talking
about this. I always get pissed off thinking about it. I should
write a horror story about a serial killer who kills rapists. Like a
Dexter for rapists. I would have to be certain though. I wouldnt
want to kill anyone innocent which some people are wrongly
convicted.
I used to play this game World of Warcraft in middle
school and talk to this girl who was older than me. She was 21 or
22 I think during this time we were talking. I eventually started
talking to her on a voice-chat program. Mainly we would just
talk about the game, or music, or other light stuff. I was curious
at the time so I asked her for some girl advice and sex advice.
She told me she hated sex and that she couldnt talk about it. I
thought maybe she was thinking I was too young, but I genuinely
just wanted advice from an older girl.
Eventually she told me she had been raped before. She
had only told very few friends about it I guess. She was crying
and I dont even think she went into a lot of detail. I was
horrified. I cant think about it. I cant understand how somebody

44
can do that to a girl. I remember feeling like I was going to throw
up and punch a hole in the wall at the same time.
I probably wasnt the best person to tell, but I guess she
felt like telling me. I told her I wished I could do something
about it and give her a hug but I felt terrible because there was
really nothing I could say or do. I felt powerless. I asked her to
report it but she said there was no way she would do that for a lot
of reasons. Things have never been the same since.

She Takes the Pills to Fall Asleep

I have a strict killing code if I ever were to kill somebody
though. I would never hurt a woman or child. Ive tried to look
up serial killers who kill rapists but they dont seem to exist. I
think I would be one of the first which is cool.
Ive always believed in a good demon for some reason, if
that makes any sense. Good and bad at the same time, I guess. I
learned a while ago that Lucifer means light bringer, and that
some people induce demonic possessions to bring knowledge,
and that the Devil is a fallen angel, and I always thought it was
weird how if Satan was completely evil, then why would evil
people be punished in hell instead of thrown a party for.
A lot of people have laughed at me for believing in the
Devil. I dont know if I really believe in hell though, I dont
know what the fuck is going on. I had thoughts appear into my
head a few times. I feel like Ive had a demon pal along the way,
like Golan the Insatiable or something. Not a pure evil spirit, but
somebody who introduced me to evil. I kind of like now that I
am born on the 6th. The only date that could be better is maybe
the 13th.
The first introduction of evil which was burned into my
brain when I was younger, is a mom who is accused of killing
her two kids. She was spraying silly string on the graves and was
celebrating their birthdays. I found out her name much later,

45
Darlie Routier. There were many other lessons. People think Im
afraid when I dont want to watch a violent movie or a gore
movie, but I simply dont enjoy watching violence.
I used to have the worst nightmares. I was plagued by
them when I was younger. They are rare now. I remember the
feeling that I had to accept evil but that I didnt have to like it,
even though Ive ended up doing some evil things in my life. My
most recent nightmare was as real as being awake.
I was next to a demon. I felt like I was restrained in some
way but it didnt bother me. For some strange reason, I had
inner-knowing that this demon wouldnt hurt me. It was green,
scaly textured, and bald with red eyes. It was definitely a female,
if not a hermaphrodite. However, there is a female presence or
feeling from the demon that leads me to believe the former. A
type of humanoid, and the head was slender, almost oval shaped
but not as drastic, and actually aesthetically perfect in shape.
Since for some reason I knew this demon wasnt going to hurt
me, I began to verbally abuse it and taunt her.
I had aggression towards her but I wasnt scared because
there was a feeling of trust, but I knew it wasnt my friend, or at
least I didnt want to be her friend. The demon snapped at me
and let out a wretched hiss, and that struck fear into me instantly.
At that point I could see she had a split tongue. The instant fear
was scary. I realized this demon was nothing to be messed with,
and could clearly fuck me up if she wanted. This was only a few
months ago, and ever since then, I feel like A Nightmare on Elm
Street could be real. The whole dream probably lasted a minute
but the memory is as clear as day. I probably should just commit
myself to the looney bin for schizophrenia.

Do the Wicked See You

Then Ive had other thoughts blasted into my head. Ill
just share them since this is my book and I can do whatever the

46
fuck I want. Im not sure if the demon explained the purpose of it
all or not, or if I simply belong in the asylum. Maybe she is lying
to me.
The whole universe is connected. Galaxies hold galaxies
in orbit, stars hold planets in orbit, its all got to do with the
bending of space-time. Einstein explained this stuff I guess.
Then, I think the bitch may have led me to a resource that
possibly explained an afterlife. Supposedly in almost the exact
way that the universe is connected by gravity, so is the energy.
She said it involves dark matter/energy, but Im not allowed to
ask questions. Convenient, I know.
The resource she led me to said negative energy is very
heavy and descends, and positive energy is very light and
ascends in the expanding universe. The Big Bang as a concept is
apparently correct in the sense that the universe is a projection,
but it still doesnt deny a creator. I dont completely understand
what she told me, but maybe somebody will be able to make
sense of it.
She said similar to how a star or a black-hole with a lot of
gravitation pull will attract, or pull in lighter planets that exert
less of a curvature in space-time, she said negative energy can be
accumulated in the same way. Its got something to with dark
matter and dark energy? Then she says what happens is the
energy gets too heavy and will burst, or whatever, and a separate
universe will be created with that energy. Its supposedly known
by scientists as the The Big Crunch.
Its like getting in trouble and you want the most people
with you as possible because it feels better when youre not
alone. Thats what she told me. The most disturbing thing she
said was that we are all in this together. Like a cruise ship that is
sinking with no lifeboats. If the ship goes down, all of the
passengers, whether good or bad, go down with it. I think its
probably a crock of shit that shes telling me, but Ill continue.

47
 Then there is string theory. All atoms are made by strings
that vibrate in different directions. The strings create everything.
Mother Theory states 11 dimensions. Thats what the demon
called it.
The first three dimensions, which the demon calls
directions, are obviously length, width, and height. The fourth
direction is time. Father time must always exist. Without time,
the demon says there would be nothing.
Every direction has two ways to move, and a feeling or
opposite polarity to go with it, which can be described as a force.
For time, there is forwards and backwards in time,
although she says the past in every single universe is unalterable.
You can go a parallel universe and go to the past I guess, but you
will be in a separate universe. The feeling that corresponds with
time is gravity. I dont actually understand this completely, but
this is what the demon said. There are an infinite number of
universes she said. Infinite.
For the three dimensions we know of (that the strings
create which are L,W,H,), I guess she says the remaining three of
the four fundamental forces apply to those (which are weak
force, electromagnetic force, and strong force). Those three
directions also have two ways to move. Up or down, left or right,
etc., and together they allow us to move in any direction. The
feelings that correspond with these are apparently the senses.
Then there are the remaining dimensions, or directions,
which she says shouldnt be mistaken for other worlds like ours
on the surface of our atoms. I guess string theory has led some to
believe that the remaining dimensions must be other worlds like
ours. The demon says its not the case.
She says the remaining directions are energy. I guess
there was a nutcase who got it right. His name was Wilhelm
Reich. He discovered Orgone, which is sexual energy. He

48
believed it could create galaxies and be a part of the structure of
the universe. He said it was a universal life force. According to
the demon he is correct. There is negative and positive sexual
energy. Apparently all energy from the directions can be
captured and stored. Our emotions are supposedly forces.
Another one of the directions the demon says is Love.
The opposite polarity of this direction is fear. As I understand it,
the remaining directions also allow us directions to move in
spirit. I guess since the universe is literally created from these
remaining directions, when we are no longer bound to a physical
body in L,W,H, the whole world becomes a pathway.
Without the strings, she says we would just be
consciousness, and there would be no actual feelings. All of our
emotions or words that we have to describe feelings can be
traced back to a mix of the directions. I guess its that simple.
I think shes probably bullshitting me. I also was
instructed to investigate matter. Im not allowed to ask questions.
From what Ive learned, E=MC2 says energy and mass are
interchangeable, or are one in the same. Matter is condensed
energy. Everything in the universe is technically energy, even
our bodies.
First was energy, then matter.
Nikola Tesla
The demon explained the electromagnetic spectrum, the
truth of the double-slit experiment, and the duality of good and
evil. Im not even sure if all of the information came from her,
she says it did though. I have a feeling she is misleading me a lot.

We Sleep Forever
She told me to slash my wrist one time, but said I would
be alright. This is how I was to know she was telling the truth,

49
supposedly. I went in the drawer and grabbed the kitchen knife
with a wooden handle and started hacking into my wrist and arm.
Sure shit, the knife was extremely dull and although I have some
very small scars, the blood flow was easily coagulated with just
the help of a t-shirt. I didnt have to do it insanely hard. Just
enough where a brand-new knife would have done some damage.
The dream I told you about was my first time meeting her
face to face, but shes always been there. Its really a mutual
friendship. I dont think Im possessed or anything. She doesnt
make me do anything I dont want to do. I ignore her for long
periods of time if I want. She has made me feel pretty good
though. Thats the main thing. She does make me feel good. I am
comfortable with a lot of stuff now, even if she is lying. Like I
said, a good and bad demon, its weird. I call her a demon by
instinct, but then there is also a very positive feeling about her.
Its extremely conflicting.
Ive only told one person in my life about the demon. The
demon has led me to believe her name is Vivica, but I dont want
to disgrace any human with that name, so Ill still refer to her has
the demon. No one would ever be able to tell by looking at me
that I have demon friend. I pretty much feel normal in every
other way. How the fuck would you feel if you had a god damn
demon after you? I think Im handling it very well.
I guess the point of it all is to choose the light or the dark.
Thats what the bitch said. Evil is pleasurable too supposedly,
but I dont understand how. I kind of do, but not really. Evil
apparently has a limit, or a beginning. The future could be
infinite, but the beginning is definite. Love is infinite. She said
that. I barely understand the correlation myself.
We are made with complete free will, although this
demon seems to want me so that doesnt really seem fair. I dont
know who or what is in charge of this operation we are living in,

50
but shes trying to tell me its all been made perfect. She says its
not anybodys fault (I think meaning God) for what is happening.

This Is a Happy House, Were Happy Here

People wonder why evil must exist. Simply, she said its
a necessity. I guess everything has an opposite even if it doesnt
appear so? She said the word duality a bunch. She insists we all
have the choice to choose good or evil, and to beware of apathy.
The truth, she said, is that choosing the light is not always easy
and may require some effort. Shes told me before that she really
wants me to stay, even though I still dont understand completely
what she means by that. This quote has always made me feel
better. She showed me it to me.
Your question is the most difficult in the world. It is not
a question I can answer simply with yes or no. I am not an
Atheist. I do not know if I can define myself as a Pantheist. The
problem involved is too vast for our limited minds. May I not
reply with a parable? The human mind, no matter how highly
trained, cannot grasp the universe. We are in the position of a
little child, entering a huge library whose walls are covered to
the ceiling with books in many different tongues. The child knows
that someone must have written those books. It does not know
who or how. It does not understand the languages in which they
are written. The child notes a definite plan in the arrangement of
the books, a mysterious order, which it does not comprehend, but
only dimly suspects. That, it seems to me, is the attitude of the
human mind, even the greatest and most cultured, toward God.
We see a universe marvelously arranged, obeying certain laws,
but we understand the laws only dimly. Our limited minds cannot
grasp the mysterious force that sways the constellations.
Einstein

51
 Chapter 9: Dont Speak
If youre wondering what happened to my first girlfriend,
I got into some really dark times and I started pushing her away
when I got heavier into drugs later into high school. Yes,
everything was going perfect and then I started doing that and I
dont know why. Im the worst person in the world, I know. The
first serious time when it started to get bad was when I slammed
some vodka while I was already barred out.
I was going to pick her up which was selfish of me, but I
wasnt thinking right. She didnt know my brain was drugged to
complete mush at the time. I was planning to hide it but looking
back on it she definitely would have known I was fucked up.
Thankfully I never made it to her house.
There was this street that was one of my favorite drag
spots which would be on the way to her house. I think if I would
have only taken the bars I probably wouldnt have gone, but I
must have saw the street and said fuck it and made the left turn,
because I ended up on that street.
I do remember a clip in my head, I was flooring it and
Cant Stop by RHCP was blasting, so I must have turned it on.
It was a pretty long street, but it had some bends that you could
only hit at around 70 mph. Then there was a good straight that I
was always able to do 90 100 on. I used to max out my car at
around 130 on the highway, the thing wouldnt go any faster, but
that wasnt as much of a thrill. This street was intense because it
was narrow with trees on the side, and going fast enough it
looked like going through a time portal.
I dont know how fast I was going this time, but there is
this long sweeping bend on the street. Its a very lengthy turn that
if you were going slow enough it would look like an almost

52
straight street. But if you were going fast enough you could feel
it as a turn. Anyway, the car gave out. I slid sideways for a
distance I cant really describe. It had to be close to the length of
a football field. I only know that the car slid sideways because I
saw the tire marks when I went back with my friend the next day
to see what happened.
I woke up and the windshield was covered in dirt and I
couldnt see out. I remember wondering where the fuck I was. I
got out of the car and the nose was plowed into a raised patch of
grass. The tires were pushed back almost a foot at least, like I
had gone directly over a curb. The air bags never went off, which
was strange. Maybe because there really wasnt that much
damage to the nose. I remember Tear was playing by the Chili
Peppers. The album was By the Way and I had the CD in my
moms car. It was her car.
The tires were dug perfectly into the grass and it was
obvious that they absorbed most of the impact. It was a miracle
because there was a lake behind it and trees all around. I really
used to take miracles for granted, I still kind of do. My dad knew
I was fucked up but he didnt say much, it was weird. I think he
was just glad I didnt get caught by the cops. I called my
girlfriend at one point and told her I couldnt see her that day and
just had to sleep.
Ive never been suicidal or anything. Its just that
sometimes I didnt give a fuck if I died. Theres a difference.
What a rush though. I dont know how to explain it. When you
honestly dont even care about dying, literally nothing can bring
you down. You feel on top of the world. Its seriously a high.
You dont even have to be depressed to do it. Youre not worried
about anything, because what could be worse than dying? I
mean, you really feel invincible.
I couldnt do that every day though, and its getting more
difficult to do these days. Im actually really afraid of death, and

53
I probably think about it a lot more than most people I feel like.
But wow did I used to feel alive those times I would grab death
by the throat and start punching it in the face repeatedly.
That doesnt mean Im into Russian roulette or anything,
thats a fucktard way to go. Something about a car really does
something for me though. I was at Dale Earnhardts last race
when I was seven or eight years old. I think that has something to
do with it but Ive got no idea why I feel that way. Im probably
just a retard.
But seriously, I dont know what to fucking tell you.
What do you want me to make something up? Thats the fucking
story. I just started pushing her away. I literally started going
home in my room every god damn day trying to make myself
drool. I would have been taking Advil if it fucked me up. I had
the most perfect girlfriend in the world, we talked every single
day, and then I threw it all away.

Be Quiet and Drive (Far Away)

It wasnt always easy and we had some fights, like the
time we got mad each other so I was drinking all day and then I
went to max out my car on the highway. We had only a few
fights, but when we did, they were bad.
We had just gotten off the phone and I told her Im going
for a drive and hung up. She knew I liked to drive fast, so she got
even more mad. Driving is one of the best stress relivers for me.
She kept calling but I turned my phone on silent and threw it in
the passenger seat and turned the music up louder.
Its such shitty feeling maxing out a car. You want to go
faster but then the RPMs drop and raise, and it just keeps doing
that shit. Its like getting cut off from drinking, just give me a
little bit more. Good thing I didnt have a better car though, or I
may have killed myself and possibly somebody else. I definitely
would have been dead by now if my car were a little bit faster.

54
 Fighting with her was the worst feeling in the world. I
know its no excuse to endanger other peoples lives, but nothing
could stop me from driving fast back then. I would have gone to
a track but they dont let just anyone in to drive like an idiot.
Being in love made me crazy. I feel stupid now looking back on
it, but those times when we fought was mental agony.
I would try to not care about her and tell myself I dont
give a fuck, but I did. I got home and finally answered when she
called again. She was yelling at me saying I could have killed
myself and somebody else. She always said she never wanted to
go to sleep without telling each other I love you and I never
broke her rule, and we said well talk about it the next day.
Being in love can be dangerous. Im not making an
excuse for myself, but people do the dumbest shit when theyre
in love. Ive been on a lot of drugs and looking back on it,
sometimes the things I did it felt like I was on drugs, good or
bad. There were times when I was completely crazed. Like some
people cant handle liquor, maybe I cant handle my love. And I
was sober during most of the time I was with her, if you were
thinking I was actually fucked up around her. I started in 9th
grade, was sober during the time I was with her except for very
few occasions, and when I started pushing her away around the
last two years of high school, yeah, then my drug consumption
skyrocketed.
But it wasnt because of our fights that I started pushing
her away. Like I said, I dont know why I fucking did it. We
probably would have come to an end eventually, even if we got
married or some shit. I just started telling her every day that I
couldnt see her and we werent even fighting during this time. I
really dont understand my own feelings most of the time.
She was wondering what was wrong but for a strange
reason I knew that she knew it was nothing she did. She never

55
took it personally for some reason. She just told me that shes
always here for me. That always made me feel like complete shit.
I cant say she let go easy, because she called me for a
really long time after, but I still have a weird feeling it was like
she knew I was just losing my fucking mind and that there was
nothing she could do about it. She said she wanted to have a
future with me and begged me to stop, but I think she knew it
was hopeless. She understood me very well because she always
seemed to know how I was feeling. She was a mind reader.

Go Get Your Knife

Sometimes I feel like Id rather put the gun to my head
and pull the trigger myself instead of having somebody else do it
for me eventually, you know? Id love to think that if it were for
sure my final moments and somebody had a gun to my head, that
I would be able to reach over and pull the trigger for them.
Thats a fucking metaphor by the way.
I dont know what I was feeling. I remember I had found
out about Operation Northwoods around this time, and the
Federal Reserve, Operation Mockingbird, all sorts of shit, the
rabbit hole as they call it, and that really fucked with me for a
while, but that wasnt the reason I was doing all this shit. I could
write a whole book on that stuff though. Yes, I know. Theyre
kids starving in Africa and here I am able to crash my moms car
and Im the one pissed off with the fucking world. Crucify me.
I can say one feeling that really bothered me about being
with her, and the thought still bothers me today. A guy had
disrespected her at school and was trying to get with her. He was
some fuckboy who thought he was cool. She told him leave her
alone several times and he wouldnt listen. She said she had a
boyfriend and he said it doesnt matter.
I considered for a whole night of walking into her class
the next day and putting a knife in his neck right there. Then I

56
started thinking of ways I could kill him without getting caught.
Then I started thinking of how much I loved my girlfriend and
being conflicted with the thought of not seeing her again if I got
caught.
You may ask why didnt I just fight him or something. I
dont know. I never really liked fighting. Call me a pussy, but I
dont really fuck with it. Ive never gave a shit about anyone
bigger than me, because I knew that if I put myself in the right
mindset that I would just kill them.
Ive only been in three fights in my life, but I won all
three, and its a good thing I did because I always imagined that
if I lost that I would have to kill them. Its bad though. I feel like
I got this one card to play and Im just saving it for a time when
Im really going to need it.
One time in freshman year, this kid Joey had been
messing with me every day. I reached my boiling point and I
exploded. That cocksucker had kicked my chair for the last time.
He had been doing this shit every fucking day for a month. On
day 30 exactly, it was finally time. I got up and started walking
towards him and told him if he fucked with me again I would
stab him in the head. He laughed and said Oh yeah, with what?
I said, With this, motherfucker. I flung my switchblade
down and the blade popped out. Ill never forget the look on his
face. He thought he was seriously about to die, and he was
extremely close to it.
It was a computer class and we had a substitute teacher.
The oblivious teacher talking to a student at her desk couldnt
even see me with a knife lowered behind the computers. I told
him if he opened his mouth that I would plunge my knife into his
neck instantly. The students around him said nothing. Looking
back on it Im surprised this girl Shayna didnt scream or say

57
anything. I told him fuck with me one more time motherfucker,
Ive been preparing mentally to kill you.
I went back to my seat and I never got in trouble for it.
He must have not told anyone because it was never spoken of
again. He didnt even report it to a teacher. I had an ecstasy pill
on me at the time also, but I wasnt worried about getting caught.
I can still remember the awesome euphoria of not giving a fuck
about anything. That was also my first ecstasy pill that I would
try later that night. It was an orange Paul Frank. He never messed
with me again after that.
But things were different when I was with my girlfriend. I
felt like I couldnt do that stuff, and it bothered me. I cared about
her, but how the fuck am I going to be able to kill somebody if
they mess with her and risk never being able to see her again.
That really fucked with me and made me confused. I really hated
having something to lose, worse yet somebody to lose. I enjoy
being attached to nobody, and more importantly, its a
requirement that I am attached to nothing.

Cherry Waves
She was like my oxygen. If anything happened to my
oxygen supply what would I do? What if she didnt want to be
my oxygen anymoreSo I planned early and went to another
fucking planet where I could breathe without her. The
atmosphere is kind of shitty here but Im still fucking breathing.
Ill survive.

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 Chapter 10: Ramble On
The story will go down like a led zeppelin from here, pun
intended, because I feel like Ive vented enough. I feel actually
feel a lot better now after writing this, but I kind of want to
release this story for whatever reason. So now I have to finish the
fucking story. I hope you all survive this part because what I
need to write about this next part just sounds retarded, but I feel
like I need to do it for some reason. It will be pure rambling.
This is going to be the weirdest part of the fucking story
and probably kind of random, but I cant stand the modern-day
disrespect for women. All this bro shit about taking girls and
leaving them. Why is that cool? I think were actually teaching
them to go along with it, even teaching them to like it. I feel like
theyre adapting. Why do I say we are teaching them? Well, I
dont know but I have this weird feeling that were supposed to
look after them, and they look after us in different ways. I really
feel like they are our true companions, but it seems most guys
would rather surround themselves with a bunch of bros and
only use women for sex.
I cant say Im Christian because I was talking about
killing people, but in the Bible it says It is not good for man to
be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him. A helper may
sound bad if you dont use your head, but what kind of helper? A
helper for the kitchen? Well, they didnt have kitchens. A helper
for the chores of living back then? I dont think such a complex,
ancient book would be so shallow in meaning. A helper for our
souls, dummies.
I cant think of how many times I have been helped by
hanging around women. I feel a healing in my body. They are
natural nurturers, and were ruining them. They are helpers and
teachers for our soul and mind.

59
 I had a vision one day that there is supposed to be a
synchronicity between man and woman, not just in relationships.
There is also a saying A woman needs a man like a fish needs a
bicycle, which I am starting to find out is disturbingly kind of
true.
This probably makes no fucking sense. Ok, I have a
scenario to relate it to. I had a teacher in high school who
completely lost his fucking mind one day. I was in what was
called boom boom classes, which were the bad classes with all
the troubled kids essentially. Everyone was being so bad the
teacher slammed his marker on the ground and screamed god
damnit at the top of his lungs.
He just gave up and said he wasnt teaching anymore. He
went and sat down at his desk so I went to the bathroom to
smoke a blunt. Theres a strange connection in feelings though. I
feel like we are getting all of our helpers and teachers to give up.
Its just this weird feeling I have, Im probably just fucking crazy
and belong in the looney bin.

My Night Nurse
I was in nursing school at a point, sorry to scare you. I
actually got accepted with a 3.7 and then I fucked it up. I got my
shit together after high school but couldnt avoid episodes of
self-destruction for long.
Nursing kind of pissed me off. I was doing clinicals in a
nursing home. Those poor people. Its like a waiting room to die.
There were a lot of really great nurses there who melted my heart
and I dont want to talk bad about the profession, but then there
are some really awful people. Not evil, but they just didnt care. I
think the profession maybe beats the caring out of you after a
while.
Everything was soroutine. Its difficult to describe. We
would go in one or two at a time and watch two nurses do wound

60
care. This man had a pressure ulcer down to his ass bone. You
could see the bone. They were cleaning it and he was screaming
incredibly loud but they had probably cleaned so many wounds
and heard so many people scream that it really had no effect on
them. I went over to the man and held his hands and let him
squeeze my hands. I started telling him hes got this and other
shit like that.
Then the nurses did say yes, start talking to him. I asked
him his name and my friend was perfect. She helped talk to him
and distract him the most. I liked her a lot after this. I kind of
froze because I could feel the way he was squeezing my hands.
Theres no words to describe it but the way they would jolt, it
was surreal. I could feel the pain through his hands.
He was crying a lot. It seemed like an eternity but it was
finally done and he thanked my friend and me. We gave him a
hug and my friend and I hugged each other. We were both teary
eyed but I knew she felt great. We talked to him for a little bit
just us three, and this man was a dad and a grandpa.
There was so much caring in the air, just three humans
with a heart and a brain. EMS came to pick him up because his
wound was too severe and I never saw him again. But the nurses
dont have time for that stuff, even if they wanted to. We were
students so we were able to comfort him. The wound care nurses
had to get as many wounds as they could like they were serving
orders at a drive thru.
I guess thats life, but I couldnt do it. Nobodys going to
pay somebody to comfort a person. I had to get out of there. I
started drinking a lot and taking more drugs again which made it
impossible to study.
The only thing I liked was the girls. Having lunch with
those 8 girls and the teacher at the hospital was the best part of
my day. The teacher was like my grandma, two of the girls were

61
older so they were like my mom but also friends, and the rest
were pals.
I remember sitting outside with them when we would all
eat lunch and the aura was so peaceful. I never told them how
much I enjoyed it because they probably would have been
weirded out. But they would laugh a lot, they all smiled a lot, and
we were all just human together. Everything flowed. I felt like I
could have told them anything if I wanted to, except for the
demon, of course.
I remember the wind blowing and to be honest their
voices would start putting me to sleep sometimes. Being around
a group of girls can be like taking a tranquilizer. Im surprised I
didnt do the Thorazine shuffle around them. Tranquility is the
main thing I remember being around them. They were also a lot
of fun. The way they used to talk about Greys Anatomy was
pure entertainment. I would have watched a show of them just
talking about the show if it existed.
This is honestly the way I feel. Im not trying to be some
god damn female hero or anything. Im just pissed off because I
hear a lot of guys claim how much they love women. No, you
dont. Your penis loves women. You dont.
Its not like Ive been sweet my whole life to girls. Ive
said some mean stuff that Im ashamed of when theyve hurt my
feelings, always to girls who I considered friends or cared about.
If I dont care about them too much, then its easy to be nice all
the time. I know that makes a lot of sense. And only my
girlfriend had the special lighter to light the bomb. I hated that.
Sorry for the rambling. My mind is always going a
million miles an hour every day. Anyway, I just remember when
I was with my girlfriend I really hated having something to lose.
It was scary caring for her that much. I would have done

62
anything for her. I like having girl friends, but not being in love
with them I think. Then I care too much.
I feel like I almost started pushing my girlfriend away by
instinct. I dont want to talk about it. I broke her heart. I can
explain more later maybe if Im feeling up to the shit. I doubt it.

The Drugs
But anyway, Id rather just talk about drugs right now
because that makes me happier and if youve read this far,
chances are that youre not stopping now. So Im just going to do
it.
Back in high school, Jeffrey, this kid I knew, sold god
damn Vicodins $2 a pop. His whole family had prescriptions. I
mean, this guy had everything. I told my best male friend ever,
Nick, that I was going to buy some morphine from this guy.
Jesus Christ! What is he raiding hospitals or something?, he
asked me. I laughed and I did start wondering how the fuck this
guy was getting morphine. You never ask questions though, you
just buy the shit. I never had to pay bills, so all of my money
pretty much started going to buying drugs during these years.
Nick was cool. He was my best male friend. He was a big
teddy bear, over 6 foot. He knew trying to talk sense to me was
hopeless. He never took drugs in high school although he started
taking a lot of LSD and DMT in college. He really fried his brain
for a while from the acid it looked like to me. He wasnt the
same for a long time, and we still dont talk much anymore. Its
mostly my fault though.
During these days, I would take some Vicodins and start
nodding on the couch in my brothers room listening to the Red
Hot Chili Peppers, until it was finally time for him to kick me out
when he had to go to bed. I hate to say it, because I would
probably fucking kill myself if one person reads this and starts
taking opiates, but I never really got addicted.

63
 Cocaine is addictive, opiates have always been different
for me. I would stop taking the Vicodins for a few days, or even
weeks, so they would fuck me up more the next time I took them.
When I would take a break from them I would just switch to
anything else that would fuck me up.
It was fun as hell, and I wanted to keep doing it, but
somedays I knew I just needed to stop. Oh yeah, Nick and I were
in a band together near the end of high school. We did some
shows, he sang and I played guitar, sometimes I would play
drums. My brother played the bass which was perfect, how did I
forget to mention that. Drew was our main drummer. He was
very popular. He was one of those people that surrounded
himself with so many friends that you couldnt really get to know
him that well. I liked him as well however.
I used to take Hydrocodones during band practice. It was
the same shit as Vicodin but for some reason an image of that
round pill with the line down the middle of the Hydrocodones is
burned into my brain. Ill never forget those days. I dont know
why Im talking about this.
I blasted 9 of those shits one time. Then we went to the
mall as a band, I paid for the fucking carousel ride just so I could
play Dont Forget Me as loud as I could in my headphones
while spinning that fucking thing around in the middle as fast as
I could, and then I passed out in the movie theatre.
I was nodding out so hard all I remember is snippets of
popping the pills, then some band practice, the carousel ride
which I remember the most, and then I woke up in a fucking
movie theatre. They must have made sure I got everywhere
alright, because somehow, I made it home. It sounds depressing
but it was one of the more memorable moments of my life.

64
 Nodding was always an amazing feeling. Its like being
awake in a dream. To everyone else it looks like youre out, but
youre not. Its weird.
I remember during my opiate phase I was heavy into the
Chili Peppers. I cant even count how many times I listened to
Dont Forget Me every time I started to get that warm fuzzy
feeling in my chest. It was the come-up song. I started every
opiate high with that song. Frusciante inspired me to play guitar.
I heard Under the Bridge and immediately had to learn how he
could make a guitar orgasm like that. The hammer-ons, as I
found out they were called, those drove me crazy.
If you ever want to start a raw band, no computer bullshit,
just a raw fucking band, listen to the Chili Peppers. Those guys
know how to jam with just a fucking bass, a drummer, a guitarist,
and a vocalist. They are prophets.

Wash My Bloody Hands

She begged me to let her do something, but I wasnt right
at all in the head. I think I was avoiding her to protect her. I
couldnt be there for her like I used to and I felt like shit about it.
I really wanted her to breakup with me so that I wouldnt drag
her down anymore.
A little bit after we graduated she had completely stopped
trying to contact me, like a year after high school. I was fucked
up for that whole two years before. Its all a blur. Im really
surprised I didnt die during that time. Towards the end, she
would send me a text or call once or two times a month. She
finally stopped that. I deserve to die, I know.
I found out like a year ago that she was with a new guy. I
think hes probably a real gentleman. Coincidently I had a class
with him before. My senior year I was drugged out in class and I
woke up to him yelling at another guy. This asshole had called a
girl fat and made several jokes and made her cry. He really

65
gave that motherfucker a piece of his mind. So when I heard that
she was with him, I was actually kind of happy for her.
Part of me wants her back. I dont deserve her firstly. She
probably doesnt even want me back. Weve probably changed
too much since high school. I think its just fond memories and
nostalgia mainly, but part of me thinks I really fucked up.
Sometimes I wish I could go back and see how it would end
without me forcing it, but oh well. Its too late. Shed probably
laugh at me or want to kill me if I contacted her.
I also cant stand guys who try to go after girls in
relationships, because honestly a lot of times they can be
weaker it seems like to me at least. Maybe things arent as good
as they used to be, or they got in a fight and are mad, or things
have gotten stale, or whatever. Maybe we arent meant for this
sex with one person shit, I dont know.
Some of the women I have seen though, it kind of seems
like that saying, The grass is greener on the other side. Ive
always tried to piss on that grass and dig up the lawn and show
them the four dead bodies under the house. Theres been two
separate times a married woman has flat out invited me for sex at
their house within minutes of talking. That always scared the shit
out of me. It reminded me of that joke, Guns dont kill people,
husbands who come home from work early do. May God bless
their husbands though.
Speaking of which, I had a neighbor where Im living
now, I didnt know him or his wife personally, but I guess she
cheated on him and he came home and blew his brains out. I
dont think anyone is worth that. I cant imagine why he would
do that. If he was planning to kill himself, he couldve had fun on
his way out at least.
Sell all of the shit or pawn it fast, and get loaded on every
drug known to man. Burn the wifes car maybe, or sell it for as

66
much coke as you can get. Rob a bank or something, go on a
slow speed police chase like O. J., get a chopper after you, and
blow your brains out after if thats what you want to do. Im just
throwing out suggestions. Guess he came home and spread half
of his head on the wall just like that though, no questions asked. I
wonder if it was love.
I know I said I was never suicidal, but the idea has
crossed my mind a few times. That doesnt mean Im suicidal
though. I have a weird feeling that Ill want to come back, like
Ill sit in a tesseract or some shit like I saw in the movie
Interstellar, and Ill just be set back for whatever the goal is.
Ive wanted to leave a few times but I feel like Ill regret it.
Thats why I dont consider myself suicidal.

67
 Chapter 11: Wet Sand
I hope you havent forgotten about Katie. Now that I have
explained myself a little bit, I feel like I can tell the story. Last I
mentioned of Katie we were in the car talking. I really just
wanted to be friends with her. We sat in the car talking more
waiting for her friends to get there. I would have just sat in the
car talking to her all night.
All I remember is it was very peaceful looking out to the
beach talking to her. These days, I was feeling a lot better and it
had been a while since I had a relapse in craziness. However I
would have one more drug-induced manic episode some months
after this, but that has been my last one, and its going to stay my
last.
Her friends got there some time after, and I saw three
smiling cuties get out of the car. She hugged her girlfriends and I
introduced myself with a hug. Olivia, Esme, and Jennifer. I
always like to hug anyone, even guys. I think a hug should be the
new handshake in certain situations. We all started walking out
to the beach and they asked how I met Katie even though I was
sure she had already told them.
I met Katie while she was out walking her dogs. Yes, we
lived in the same condo building. I have two dogs also, so we
started letting them smell each other and we just started talking.
Something seemed to flow and I stupidly asked if she wanted to
hang out sometime. She agreed immediately, to my surprise. I
asked if she wanted to go to the beach and she agreed and asked
if I minded if she brought her girlfriends, which of course I
didnt mind. And thats pretty much it.
I insisted I carry some of their bags or chairs for them
while we were walking out to the beach. I was thinking their

68
bags could be demon bags also, but I was very tranquil at this
point and didnt care. They would get really wrapped up in their
girl talk, and sometimes I felt like they were trying to ask me
stuff to keep me included. Little did they know I like to listen.
Oliva was joking/complaining that she hated the way she
looked in her bathing suit. She was acting like she was joking but
I could feel she was kind of serious. I told her she was very
beautiful and essentially that she should not give a fuck about
what anyone thinks or how she thinks people feel about her.
Katie said, Aww. Give him a hug!. Olivia gave me a
hug from the side and I gave her a small kiss on the cheek. I try
to not even be shirtless around people I dont know, so I always
imagined to be a girl with sometimes just a string going up your
ass and cloth barely covering your nipples would take a lot of
courage to wear.
We had set all of our stuff out and we were sitting in a
circle all talking on the beach. It was kind of weird because Katie
wasnt like, how do I say, possessive or anything. We hadnt
really talked about it, I mean, I asked her to hang out, but it was
like she knew I just wanted a girl or some girls to hang out with.
I never really implied or sounded like I wanted to take her out
sexually. I just wanted to be her friend and I think she felt it.
We all went swimming after a while and I started playing
games with all of them. I like to dive under the water a lot and
they called me a shark. So I pretended I was a shark and I started
nipping their legs under the water. We all sat in the water in a
circle talking to each other more. That was really fun. The Sun
was starting to go down and once again in my life I felt tranquil
for the first time in a long time.
We got out of the water eventually and dried off on the
beach. They were all wrapped in their towels with their wet hair
and they looked so adorable, all four of them. They were

69
snacking and asked if I wanted some but Im kind of weird. I
dont really like to eat around people I dont know well, and plus
I wasnt hungry. I can only compare it to taking drugs. It was like
opiates, where it takes away your hunger. That probably sounds
weird.

The Sound of the Waves Collide

Anyway, I was wondering whether I should do it or not,
because I hardly knew them. It was dark on the beach by this
time, and I went into my bag and pulled out a blunt and asked
whose down for it. Esme said fuck yeah right away. It had been a
while since Olivia had smoked, and she was shy like I had asked
her to do something embarrassing, but then she said yes. Katie
and Jennifer both said yes they would do it. They were laughing
but casual about it.
I had two blunts but we all got really high off of one. It
was that time when a group of people are smoking and some of
them start to go off in their own heads. The talking gets just a
tiny bit awkward, but I have smoked almost every day of my life
since I was fourteen so I knew what to do. I started to make it
even more weirder. I asked them if we could all hold hands in a
circle. They laughed and said Ok. We all started holding hands.
One of them asked what now. I said we do nothing and I asked if
we could just sit there like that.
I asked if they were high and they all said yeah, they were
really high. I think it was a little bit awkward but I liked making
them feel that way. The main thing I remember is that they were
a dream that day. When I heard she was bringing three
girlfriends, and after I saw all of Katies shit, I thought they
would be kind of shallow girls who would be masturbating to
their amount of Instagram likes or just taking selfies all day.
They were real though. The pictures were in our heads.
Looking back on it we all spent the day on that beach as humans

70
on this earth just relaxing. We were all in the moment forgetting
the outside world.
Katie wanted to move in closer so we all moved closer
into a tighter circle. Its fun doing slightly awkward stuff with
people you dont know well. I started opening up to them fast,
which meant I started asking shit that they may be uncomfortable
with. I asked them, like the baser I am, if they had ever taken any
drugs. Real original, I know. At the time I lied and didnt tell
them how many drugs I had taken.
Esme said she really wanted to take MDMA. Im still
planning to help her out with that whenever shes ready. I kind of
dont want her to do it though. I already feel protective of her as
a friend after not even knowing her for a year yet.
I did it four days in a row not long before I met them all,
and I felt like I was going to die. I was an E-tard when I did that.
It fucked me up in the head for about 2 months after that binge.
Panic attacks are also not a joke. I used to laugh at them, never
again. I had a panic attack all day on the fourth day, then
frequently for months after. Derealization is one of the worst
feelings ever. I still dont feel completely normal after that binge.
I told them that Ive always felt kind of fucking weird,
and they said that Im not weird at all. I still laugh at that. I didnt
tell them at the time, but I think it could be from pumping so
many drugs through my brain. Im surprised I can even type this.
Sometimes I wish I could go back in time and see what my brain
would be like without drugs. I get feelings but I can never
pinpoint why. But I have a feeling drugs have changed the
chemistry of my brain.
This is something that Vivica told meyou only get one
brain. Even if you travel to another universeyou are still in
your own brain. Oh yeah, there is a reason why on T.V. when a
being travels back in time, they are always able to interact with

71
themselves independently, as if it is separate person, but
themselves at the same time. Do they think they have two
souls?, the bitch says.
I think she may be correct though. If you are able to go
back in time and see yourself and interact with yourself
independentlyshes right. Its a different soul. Its not you, you
bastards. There are infinite universes and infinite physical
matters of you, but your soul is unique.
I asked them if they thought being alive was weird. On
LSD I couldnt stop starring at my hands, so I asked them to look
at the palm of their hand and move their fingers around. I asked
them what they think we are here for. What is the point of all this
shit. We just sat there.
Esme said she doesnt like to think about it. I told her
shes got to think about it. I said they dont have to answer but if
they could do one thing and that is to think about it in the future.
I really hoped I wasnt weirding them out, but I didnt care when
I thought about it more.
Katie tripped me out. She asked if we could all lay down
and watch the stars together. I wasnt expecting that. The moon
wasnt out so I remember the stars were brighter than usual. If
only the hotel lights werent on. Oh well. We all laid down and
Katie grabbed my arm and leaned her head against my arm. She
grabbed Jen to her right and tried to drag her practically on top of
us.
I swear I dont want to sound like an asshole or a player
or anything. But then Katie pulled Olivia closer on my left side
and told Esme to get in. What the fuck. I was laying with four
girls cuddling on the beach. I was seriously shocked. Some
asshole I bet would have tried to have sex with all of them if they
were me. It would never happen though. I swear we all just laid
there in comfort with each other.

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 It sounds like I am a pussy as some people would tell me,
but a hug can really heal the soul. The last time I had really
cuddled good was with my girlfriend. It was crazy that we were
all cuddling and I had just met them that day, and Katie I hardly
knew either.
But whatever. Some people have sex on the first day of
meeting, so I dont see what was wrong with cuddling with them.
We all talked about that we should hang out more, and we will
have our own group or crew. I did tell them I was dying for some
girls to hang out with.
Every guy on the earth is missing out because theyre too
busy trying to get in girls pants. I almost dont want to let these
poor saps in on the secret. They will have a killer time with girls
if they stop trying to put their dick in every single one of them.
Dear lord, bless my soul, I may be doing the world a
serious disservice right nowbut in my experiencenot with
these girls, but sometimes when you honestly arent trying to
accomplish getting in their pants like some sort of mission, thats
when some of them actually want you to do it. Im so sorry. I
may have to edit this part out.
I started drifting away in time though. A guy could never
lay under the stars with a bunch of dudes, unless youre gay. I
swear I dont mean that in a bad way. Really, if youre straight
though, who the fuck else are you going to lay under the stars
and cuddle with when youre not in a relationship.
The day guys start to catch on though is the day I think
Ill kill myself. Everyones always copied the shit Ive done.
Until then, I think Im going to keep living it up while the rest of
these morons surround themselves with hordes of men and bros.

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 Chapter 12: Middle School
Masturbator
While I was laying there with the girls, a familiar feeling
came back to me. I had become a loner in high school while I
was breaking up with my girlfriend and taking a bunch of drugs,
but before in middle school I had 5 best friends who were girls,
and one who was a guy.
The reason for this is because I went to a private school,
and there were literally only 7 of us in the class for 3 years. We
became like a family, and the guy was cool too as well, but a
little bit mean to the girls at times. His humor could be cruel.
What I remember the most is sitting at the small lunch
table in the gym, all of us crammed in on the bench, 3 on one
side, 4 on the other. I liked being smushed close with them. It
was like a family lunch every day, and we would all talk about
everything and anything.
After middle school though, we all started to lose contact.
I went to a different high school, and shit just becomes weird in
high school, lets admit it. Our family was broken after 3 years.
We grew into adults, but we all really shared something special
looking back on it. You dont know what you got till its gone,
they say.
I still remember at the 8th grade graduation when I
announced that I would probably never see any of them again,
and I acted like I didnt care. I was such an asshole. I have
always had attachment issues I guess you could say, and I hate
change. All I remember is Marissa crying the most. All the girls
cried at a point because they were good friends with each other,

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but I remember Marissa the most because I learned after my
speech that she was extremely hurt at what I said.
I acted like I didnt care if I saw any of them again. I
turned on my girls in the very last moment. I should have said
goodbye to all of them alone, but I didnt have the balls. I
probably would have cried. Actually, I definitely know I would
have cried, but I was too much of a pussy to allow myself to do
that at that time.
After all, I was always strong for them. I remember
comforting them a lot throughout those years. But I know they
wouldnt have cared if I teared up and told them how much I
would miss them. I am ashamed to say I dont even remember
saying goodbye.
I really bottled my feelings up. There was no way I was
going to cry that night, or even a few nights after for that matter.
Ignoring your feelings works pretty well and I was good at it, but
I think it makes a person cold and dull. It was a wonderful
defense mechanism for me, and after all, I thought anyone with a
penis was not supposed to have feelings, or cry for that matter.
Wow, I loved those girls though. Every day before my
mom picked me up, I needed to give each one of them a hug
individually before I left. The girls required it actually, but I
loved it and enjoyed our hugs probably even more than they did.
My mom used to laugh at my daily routine of squeezing up 5
girls in my arms before I left. I would go home with a mix of
their scents on me, and I could sometimes smell their hair as I
slept in my bed at night. Talk about heaven.
I cant deny that my hormones were raging of course
throughout these years, and I still remember I masturbated to all
them at points. But that didnt come first. I know now it was the
closeness that made me horny, because they were the only ones I
masturbated to.

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 They never fought with each other, and we were all very
accepting of each other. I remember us all laughing the most. I
used to love to make them laugh. I was like a personal jester to
them. I would totally make an ass out of myself to make them
laugh, or irritate Diamond in the grade below us who was known
for her attitude. Diamond did not like clowns and she was a force
to be reckoned with.
There was no shame. I think one of them probably could
have farted at the lunch table and there wouldnt have been any
shame, it never happened though. Nothing was off the table. I
still remember Marissa talking about her tampons and the
complications.
All I remember is it ended up with all 5 of the girls
talking about the size of the hole of their vagina. I was genuinely
interested, and now I have fond memories of Tina trying to show
me a precise estimate of the size of her vagina with her fingers.
Im pretty sure she just would have showed it to me if there
werent any teachers sitting across the gym.
Tinas breasts were the first pair of tits I ever felt. She
had the biggest breasts at the time, and we all used to joke about
it. They said I should feel Tinas breasts, and so I did. We were
all young and curious, what can I say. That was the first time I
learned you couldnt squeeze a womens breasts very hard.
She giggled slightly but just kind of put her arms to her
side and let me take all this new information in. I thought it was
awesome that she was comfortable letting do that. There wasnt
much sexuality behind it from either of us I dont think. It was
mainly curiosity.

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Chapter 13: Girls Just Want
to Have Fun
I cannot believe I am naming the chapter this. Fuck it. I
am good friends with Katie and the rest of the girls now. We all
started hanging out a lot. We have gotten pretty close I feel like.
We all go out together, we went to an aquarium one time. Then
we all smoked and posted up on this bench in front of the big
tank talking shit for hours after we finished seeing everything.
We really got our moneys worth. I drive them everywhere and
they like that. Im not necessarily doing it for them though. Ive
always had to drive. I feel like my life is in somebody elses
hands if Im not driving. If I am ever going to die in a car I better
be behind the wheel.

They love asking me what they look cute in. I always tell
them they look beautiful in anything. Its just clothes. But
sometimes I do make suggestions, because they do look cute in
certain things. Sometimes a certain color just looks right on one
them a specific day. Esme especially also looks adorable with
flowers or a bow in her hair. I try not to impose my views too
much on people, but they honestly say they dont give a fuck
about some of the things they used to since we started hanging
out. Ive been able to open up and tell them all how stupid I think
it is that girls are under so much pressure to do dumb shit.

I told them I feel like girls spend half their lives worrying
about how they look and worrying about what other people think
about them. Then they spend the other half sleeping. Fuck that.
Thats no way to live. Katie says she has more money now also
because she doesnt give a fuck about what people think of her as
much anymore. I dont want to brag, but she says she feels more

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relaxed and she has less stress in her life since we started
hanging out and Ive told her how I feel.

We all spend the night together like were 15 years old,

usually every few weeks. Weve been doing this for a few
months now. I hate to be controlling but I ask them if they can
wear no makeup and to honestly not give a fuck about how they
look around me. Im so proud of them. They dress in pajamas or
something else and let the hair go wild or tie it up. We always
have some wine or some drinks so I think that helped them the
first couple of times.

We get a pizza or some other food, and we stuff our

faces. I dont know if I can eat a third pizza. Im not sure if I
want another one, Olivia said just this last time we all hung out.
But I looked at her and I could feel she wanted to eat that third
piece. Eat the damn pizza!, I said. We all were laughing. No, I
dont think I want it she said. I leaned my head down, rolled my
eyes up a little bit, and starred at her. I couldnt keep a straight
face though. Eat that fucking pizzaor Im going to kill you.
She laughed pretty hard, we all did. Fine, she said smiling.
Weve come a long way since the first time we all hung out.

Usually we watch reruns of a girl show or something else.

Ice-cream is a must. I dont follow the shows too much but the
girls reactions are hilarious. They get really into the shows. We
also sit around and talk about some deep stuff a lot too. Theyve
also taught me how to paint their nails recently. Its fun and Im
not ashamed of it at all. Fucking sue me. This is how I like to
hang out. Id choose hanging out with the girls every time
instead of sitting around talking shit and screaming at the T.V.
with a bunch of drunk guys.

I know how to do braids now and I brush their hair

sometimes. I give them all massages throughout the night. It used
to make my girlfriend kind of horny though, so I havent told

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them about most spots. I mainly just do their shoulders and play
with their hair. I have been telling them more things about
science also, and they really seem to enjoy it. They call it a
science lesson. We went on a binge with some videos one night.
We always talk about something having to do with the universe
even if its just a little bit when we go out onto the patio and look
at the stars.

Katie has an Xbox. Her brother got her into video games
when she was younger. We play that sometimes. We all pile in
the same bed at night or with blankets on the floor depending on
whose house we are at, and they look adorable in their pajamas
or their night t-shirts.

Olivia and Jennifer both have boyfriends though. Olivia

has asked her boyfriend if she can cuddle with us and he said he
doesnt care. She told him about me, but hes positive Im gay.
Jennifers boyfriend hardly cared either I guess. She was kind of
offended that he didnt care that I was giving her massages at our
slumber parties.

I think I have finally found the friends I have been

looking for. I would like to date Katie but I dont want to ruin
our group. We were in the kitchen one night and the girls were in
the room, and I was kind of drunk so I went and grabbed her
from behind and hugged her.

I gave her a kiss on the cheek and she turned over and
looked at me. So I gave her the softest and slowest kiss on the
lips and barely brushed my tongue on her lips. She had her eyes
closed and I let go and said I was sorry. She is the first girl Ive
gave a kiss to with passion since my girlfriend. All sorts of
feelings started coming back to me. She said it was ok and I went
on like nothing happened. Im pure trouble, I know.

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Chapter 14: Beauty Behind
the Madness
Unfortunately, this god damn story isnt over yet.
Everything was going perfect again. I was just working, I have a
group of friends that I think I could be friends with for the rest of
my life, I wasnt in love though, but everything was pleasant. I
started to have feelings for Katie but I didnt want love again and
I didnt want to ruin our group of friends by us dating each other.
I guess that meant it was time for me to self-implode
again. This would be the last drug-induced manic episode that I
spoke of earlier, and this part can be considered present day in
the story.
Cocaine, Crack, Meth and Heroin, along with some other
stuff, has always been on the list of things I would never touch,
even though Ive accidently taken meth in some ecstasy before.
You know when youve accidently taken meth when you get
frighteningly horny.
I know people like to be cool and say they arent
influenced by music at all, but Im not going to lie. The Starboy
single came out, and I think I had probably listened to The
Weeknd every day since I heard Tell Your Friends over a year
ago before that. I heard the song and immediately called up my
friend and told him I needed a gram of soft. Its crazy how a song
can make you feel that way.
Usually all the songs I listened to about drugs was
because I was already on drugs, but this is the first song that
made me go out and try something new. The bass pounding like
it was panning from left to right (I dont think its actually
panning though) while I was sober made me really want to try

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some coke even though I didnt have any idea what the high felt
like. There is one lyric in the song about coke, but he has plenty
of songs about coke and it never bothered me before. Its the
instrumental. I had done a lot of drugs but I knew I needed to try
some coke this time. Just one time I promised myself.
Ill never forget the first time I buried my nose in a gram
of blow. I got home with the gram and poured it out on the
granite coffee table. I had snorted Oxycodones before and its
not rocket science, but I did put both my nostrils on the pile like
an idiot and start inhaling. Fuck. Its driving me crazy thinking
about it. Theres nothing in the world that goes up your nose that
smoothly.
I was shocked that there was no burn and thought I got
ripped off at first. Then I remember when it hit me. I think my
eyes must have flung open like ping pong balls. I mean, this stuff
has got to be what God feels like. Well-being is the best way to
describe it, and your confidence is through the roof. I started
jamming, blasting any song from House of Balloons all the way
up to the Starboy single.
I used to assume that he would never be very good coke
music for some reason, but I was going crazy. I think its like any
other drug where you still like whatever you normally listen to.
Thats not always true though. Drugs do change what you want
to listen to sometimes. Either way, Ive never gone more crazy
while listening to The Weeknd in my life.
Eventually I heard a knock on the door.
Fuck.
I look through the peep hole and its Katie. I flung the
door open anyway and just smiled at her. Her eyes got kind of
wide. What are you doing?, I could hear her ask over the
music. I can hear the music from the sidewalk!, she shouted. I
think I motioned for her to come in. She knew something was

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different. Then I heard her shout my name in this kind of
concerned tone.
Are you really? What the fuck dude?. She was standing
by the coffee table. I started laughing menacingly. I was almost
laughing at her. I kind of hated that she sounded concerned for
me.
Its fucking awesome, I shouted. She was really
concerned though. *****, why are you doing this?, she asked.
I told her its really quite the stuff and she ought to try it. Thank
the lord she turned down my offer. Part of me was dying to see
her put her face in a line at the time though. Im glad she didnt
do it now.
But fantastic, I was about to lose one of the better friends
Ive had in a while but I was so high that the thought didnt even
bother me. I was so fucking stupid. I kept telling her I felt
awesome and she told me she was really worried for me. She
asked me if I minded if she stayed, and I said yes please stay, and
she sat down on the couch.
I started thinking and was worried about her killing my
vibe at first when I said she could stay, but she never did kill my
vibe. I remember she was on the couch and I turned on Cant
Feel My Face and fucking lost it. I had heard from a friend
before that it made your face numb, but this was the first time I
identified with the feeling. My face was numb and I was loving
it.
I was doing all these weird dance moves around my
living room, fucking losing my mind. She actually told me not
long ago that I wasnt a bad singer at the time, and she asked me
to sing for her, but I never had the confidence that I did on blow,
so I said no. Being drunk makes you not care if you are a good
singer or not. Doing coke makes you feel like you are the best
singer in the world whether you are or not.

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 She just sat there watching me finish the lines for a few
hours.

She Dont Lie

Anyway, it was awesome. I went on a binge for that week
until I started to run out of money. Unfortunately, but fortunately
at the same time, I do not have money like The Weeknd and I
had to stop doing it eventually, but its a good thing I had to
because I dont know when I ever would have stopped.
The comedown is the devil. After the euphoria is gone it
just feels like you drank twelve cups of coffee. My nose also
started to bleed like crazy after a few days. I dont think I ever
want to feel that way again which is the primary reason I havent
done it since.
I hate to admit that I got hooked on it for a period of time.
I did do it throughout the month of November. My birthday was
during that month which didnt help at all. The comedown is the
worst feeling in the world, at least for me. All I could think about
during those times was getting more coke. I kept having these
battles telling myself I had to stop, and the other half telling me I
need to go blow more coke. I still have cravings, especially
writing this.
Its scary. You go looking for every little piece of coke
that you may have dropped that you can snort or put under your
lip to make your mouth a bit more numb, and to get just a bit
more of a buzz. I would keep trying to pull more coke in from
my nose, or stick my finger up my nose trying to get some on my
finger to numb my mouth more with it. Yeah, gross, I know.
Theres a reason people suck dick for this stuff though. Its nasty
shit.
I would advise that no one ever try it. Even thinking
about these memories right now Im craving it. Its like a line

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that once you cross you can never go completely back. I still
think about it every now and then, some days more than others.
I get what I refer to as I flashback where I can literally
taste and smell it, and I feel slightly like I am on it again, and the
cravings to do it are enormous. Ive never had an LSD flashback
but these craving flashbacks are weird. Its by far the most
addicting thing Ive ever done.
Anyway, I did so much of it I got fired from my job. It
was late November of 2016 and I was doing coke on and off
throughout the month. I had worked at this place for about a year
and they held the voting station for the elections in November. I
almost crashed into another car turning into the ally where I used
to park, and the long line of early voters witnessed me almost
crashing. I parked and a lady came over to yell at me. I didnt
give a fuck.
I walked passed the line of pissed off voters who almost
saw me crash, and one man particularly pissed me off myself. He
was giving me the dirtiest look, so I walked past him slowly
while I snorted in air as hard as I could, pulling as much coke in
as possible that was stuck in my nose. I looked him in the eyes
while I could feel the drip down my throat as I pulled chunks of
coke through my nose.
I felt badass, Im not going to lie. He was a younger guy
and bigger than me but I was totally ready to fight and try and
kill him at the time. Coke does that to you. Along with PCP,
meth, and bath salts, if youre ever in a confrontation with
someone on coke, unless you are on some yourself, just run.
Nothing ever happened on this occasion though, and I kept
walking and went on about my day.
At this job I worked in the evening until late at night so
one day I left during work to go buy some beers, because once
youre on a roll, you just dont stop. I left work for a few hours

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and slammed three 32 oz Millers over some time in a gas station
parking lot.
Then I went back to work. My two coworkers noticed I
was gone but I had covered for them a ton before so they were
nice about it. All we had to do was clean up at the end of the day
so I walked in with the fourth 32 oz miller while I was drunk and
still coked up, and I started doing my work. You cant have that
in here!, the security guard, Joel, said.
Fuck off, mate, I remember saying. Ive always thought
it is hilarious calling people mate when Im in a pissed off
goofy mood. I dont remember the exact date, but it had to be
later in the month because the whole Starboy album had just
came out and I was blasting it in my headphones.
He called my boss while I was cleaning up the shit and
was telling him I was seriously fucked up. I just started laughing
my ass off. I think my idiot boss actually told him to let me finish
my work because he left me alone after. I finished my shit and
went home, came back to work the next day on more coke and
my boss was waiting for me, and I got canned. That was that.
It took me a while to find a good job after and I was
extremely close to getting evicted. Katie said I could always
come stay with her. Her parents pay for most of her shit because
shes in school. That made me feel worse and put more pressure
on me to get my shit together. I stopped blowing coke and as of
now, I havent done it ever since.
Ive always quit everything cold turkey. Its the only way
to quit something for me. If I was going to do one more day I
would do 10 more days, and so on. Its easier for me to say Im
done with it immediately and never look back. As far as I know,
alcohol and benzos are the only withdrawals that can kill, but
Ive never gotten to that point with those.

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Chapter 15: Semi Charmed
Life
Well, I feel like a fucking idiot now after writing this
story. If youve survived this far, this is probably going to be the
shittiest ending to any book that youve ever read. Ive learned a
lot about myself putting this into words and here are some of the
things Ive learned. I fucking hate caring. I hate caring. Caring
fucking sucks. And I hate when people care for me, because
nearly every single time I dont deserve it.
I hate that somebody I care about can bring tears to my
eyes. I hate the times when I would fight with my girlfriend and
felt like pulling my god damn hair out and my brain with it. I
hate not being able to think about anything else when things are
not right with somebody I love. I hate having something to live
for. I hate not being ready to die. Love makes you want to live
forever. I love not giving a fuck. Nobody can hurt me when I
dont give a fuck. I hate being vulnerable.
Im a big pussy because its not even like a girl has really
broken my heart before. Ive never even given the chance for it
to happen. But I dont want to know the feeling.

My Own Worst Enemy

I feel bad for all the lives Ive endangered, theres more
than I have let you know about, and I feel ashamed. A lot of
times I feel very caring but then I have totally disregarded other
peoples lives when I didnt care about my own life, which is
awful. I know it really doesnt make sense.
Im just glad Ive never killed anyone. Im definitely not
as vengeful as I was back in high school. Looking back on a lot

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of times, I barely had a conscience. I admit I was ready to fight
to the death with that guy on cocaine, but that was only because I
was on blow.
I dont plan on doing that shit anymore. I still feel like
being ready to go to the grave for anyone I love, but its not like I
was back in high school. Im not in love right now, but I still
know that if I were, I would be ready to kill any motherfucker
that messed with her. I dont think thatll ever change.

Die For You

But then I also know one thing. I loved the feeling of
hardly being able to wait to see my girlfriend, waiting for the
next time I would be dosed. I loved the feeling when she would
smile at me and it made me happier and make me smile more
than any drug ever has. I loved laying with her in bliss and
forgetting the whole world. I loved floating away in her hugs,
and the smell of her hair. I loved the touch of her hand on mine,
and her slow kisses that would make time stop.
I loved the way her voice could make me feel over the
phone, and I loved the way my mind would feel after we hung up
the phone. I used to sleep like I took a handful of downers with
the euphoria of MDMA after talking to her. Ive never mixed
those two by the way, its just a comparison. I loved collapsing
in her arms on the couch and burying my face in her neck, going
down an endless spiral in my head of the best feelings Ive ever
had.
When I look back on memories, the main thing I
remember is how I felt. Love is the best drug in the world. I
would love to see the whole world fucked up on it. Those were
the best feelings Ive ever had. Love is the best drug Ive ever
done.
I cant go back in time, but I can learn. This time, Im
going to stop being a pussy and let in happen. Im going to throw

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myself into the endless pit of love next time I have the chance,
and Im going to let myself fall. Hard. And Im going to jump
with no fucking parachute.

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 Chapter 16: Nimrod
This chapter is called nimrod and its because Im a god
damn nimrod and the quote below explains why. Its exactly
what has been wrong with my life. Fuck you. Ive tried to google
search it and some shithead said Plato didnt say it, but I dont
really give a fuck who said it. Here it is.
We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark;
the real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light.

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Not the girls but a good representation The picture is from
GOOGLE IMAGES.

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