AL

"Pilot"

by

Rodney Ohebsion

Copyright 2017
INT.APARTMENT(LIVINGROOM)-DAY

AL(45)issittingonthesofa,watchingTV.Hepicksup
hisremotetofastforwardpasssomething.

AL
Howmanyfreakingcommercialsare
theygonnashow?!That'sit!I'm
callingthecablecompany!

Hetakesouthisphoneandcallssomeone.AWOMAN(25)
answers.

WOMAN(ONPHONE)
TimeComCable.

AL
Youguysareassholes.

WOMAN(ONPHONE)
Um.Excuseme?

AL
Ipayyou$100amonthforcable
TV.Andyoushowcommercials!You
showcommercials,eventhoughI'm
payingyou!Thatwouldbelikeme
payingahooker$100forsex--and
thenduringthesex,shekeepson
recitingcommercialsforBedBath
&Beyond.She'salllike,"Oh!
Yeah!Rightthere,baby!Yeah!By
theway--BedBath&Beyondis
havingasaleontoothbrush
holders.Youshouldgothereand
buysome."

WOMAN(ONPHONE)
Excuseme?

AL
Listen,lady.IfI'mpayingfor
sexortelevision,itshouldbe
commercialfree.

WOMAN(ONPHONE)
Well,sir.Letmejustremindyou
thatthere'sabigdifference
betweenacablecompanyanda
brothel.
 2.

AL
Yeah.Irealizethat.Becauseyou
guysdon'tscrewmethesamewaya
hookerdoes.Youscrewmewithout
makingmecum.

MELANIE(40)isnowintheroom.

MELANIE
Um.Whoareyoutalkingto?

AL
Thecablecompany.

MELANIE
Ishould'vefigured.

AL
(intophone)
LikeIwassaying.Don'tadvertise
BedBath&Beyondwhileyou're
fuckingme.

WOMAN(ONPHONE)
Well,sir.I'llbesuretopass
thatexactmessagealongto
everyoneinourcompany.

AL
Great.Thankyouverymuchfor
yoursarcasm,yousarcastic
asshole.

WOMAN(ONPHONE)
Thankyouforyourcomplaint,you
insanemotherfucker.

Alputsawayhisphone.

MELANIE
Al.Doyouhavetogetinto
argumentswitheveryone?

AL
Oh.Lookwho'stalking.

MELANIE
Whatdoesthatmean?

AL
You'reaconstantarguer.Ifyou
don'tbelieveme,justlookathow
you'recurrentlygettingintoan
argumentwithme.
 3.

MELANIE
I'mnotarguingwithyou.

AL
Thereyougo,Melanie.Thatlast
sentenceyousaid,wasyouarguing
thatyou'renotarguing.

MELANIE
Noitwasn't.

AL
Thereyougoagain.Youkeepon
provingmypointbycontinuingto
arguewithmeabouthowyou'renot
arguingwithme.

MELANIE
Wow.That'ssomeimpeccablelogic.

AL
Damnrightitis.Mylogicis
great!Iknowallthoseadhominy
eoipsologicrules.

MELANIE
Oh.Well.Didyoustudylogic
beforeorafteryoudroppedoutof
theeleventhgrade?

AL
Oh.Goodone,Melanie.I'mahigh
schooldropout.Asforyou,you
andyourcollegedegreearereal
impressive.Now,um,remindme
againwhatyoudoforaliving.
Areyouanuclearphysicist,ordo
youworkatanailsalonownedby
aVietnameseladynamedThuckMai
Duong?

MELANIE
Oh.Asifyourcareerisso
impressive.Youworkawhopping
tenhoursaweek,inorderto
maintainyourstatusasthe
8,300thmostpopularcomedianin
America.

AL
iTunestellsamuchdifferent
story.Mylastalbumwasnumber
fouronthecomedylist.
 4.

MELANIE
Fortwohours,oneyearago.

AL
Andbytheway,Idon'tjustwork
tenhoursaweekperforming.I
alsospendanotherfivehoursa
weekmanagingmyTwitteraccount
andhostingmypodcast.

MELANIE
Howisthatwork?Onyourpodcast,
allyoudoistalkaboutishow
bankersarecocksuckers,and
Chipotlechargestoomuchfor
guacamole.

AL
That'swhat'sknownas"social
commentary."GeorgeCarlin.Lenny
Bruce.Socialcommentary.

MELANIE
Wellhere'smysocialcommentary.
Al--stopwatchingTVallday,and
startworkingfulltime.

AL
Baby.Wedon'tneedtoarguelike
this.Let'snotforgetthatIlove
you,andyouloveme.Let'smake
up--OK?I'llkissyou,andthen
you'llmakemeacheesesandwich.

MELANIE
I'dloveto.ButIgottagoback
towork.Mylunchhourisaboutto
end.

AL
OK,honey.

Hestandsup,andkissesher.

AL(CONT'D)
Iloveyou.

MELANIE
Iloveyou,too.

Sheleaves.

(Later)

Alisbackonthesofa,watchingTV.
 5.

AL
Look.Morecommercials.That'sit.
I'mgonnahandlethis.

Hewalksovertoatable,grabsabottleofwhiskey,and
startsdrinkingstraightoutofthebottle.

Cuttohimfinishingupthebottleofwhiskey.Hethen
opensadrawer,takesoutakangaroomask,andputsiton.

Hetakesouthisphoneandcallssomeone.

AL(CONT'D)
Viper.We'regoingonamissionto
takeonthecablecompany.I'll
meetyouontheKangaroo-mobile,
number7.

EXT.BUSSTOP-DAY

Al(stillwearingthekangaroomask)isstandingatabus
stop.Abusstops,andhegetson.

INT.BUS-DAY

Alputsquartersinthemachine,ashesaystothedriver
CARLA(50).

AL
Here'smykangaroo-mobilefare.

CARLA
Forthelasttime,Al--it'syour
busfare.Thisisabus.Nota
Kangaroo-mobile.

AL
Forthelasttime,Carla.I'm
KangarooMan.NotAl.

Alsitsdownonthebus.PHIL(40)isseatedacrossfrom
him.

PHIL
Al.What'sgoingon?

AL
Dude.I'mnotAl.Whothefuckis
Al?I'mKangarooMan.
 6.

PHIL
Whatever.So,um,areyoustill
seeingMelanie?BecauseIwantyou
tohookmeupwithhersister.

AL
YoumeanJenna?

PHIL
No.Bianca.

AL
Biancajustgotengaged.Tosome
douchebagwhomanagesan
Abercrombie&Fitch.ButI
wouldn'tknowaboutthat.Because
I'mKangarooMan.Idon'tknow
Bianca,andI'mnotdating
Melanie.

PHIL
OK,KangarooMan.Well.Mystopis
comingup.Bytheway--we're
havingasurprisepartytomorrow
forAndre.SoifAland/or
KangarooManwantstocome,he
shouldbeatAndre'shousebefore
8:00.

AL
I'llbethere.Imean,dude--I
don'tknowwhatyou'retalking
about.

Philgetsoffthebus.VIPER(20,wearingavipermask)
getsonandsitsnearAl.

VIPER
Whatup,KangarooMan?

AL
Viper.Didyouprepareforthis
mission?

VIPER
Well.Yeah.Imean,Idrankalot
ofwhiskey,asperyour
instructions.

AL
Great.Mykangaroosenseis
tellingmethatthecable
company'ssecretheadquartersisa
mileaway.
(MORE)
 7.

AL(CONT'D)
We'regonnaattackthosesonsof
bitches,andteachthemnotto
showsomanydamncommercials.

VIPER
Howmanycommercialsshouldthey
show?

AL
None.

VIPER
Um.Idon'tthinkthatbusiness
modelwillwork.Imean,letme
giveyouanexampleofhowcable
TVworks.ESPNpaystheNFL$3.7
billionayearfortherightto
broadcastMondayNight
Football--andESPNchargesthe
cablecompanies$8.50persubscr..

AL
Dude--enoughwithallofthat
numberynerdtalk.OK?Fuckmath.
Thepointis,thefreakingcable
company,andalsothe
bankers--theychargelotsofmoney
andtheyshowlotsofcommercials.
Sofuckthem.KangarooManand
Viperaregonnapaythecable
companyavisit,anddowhatwe
do.

VIPER
Right....Um.Dowehavetotake
thebustothesemissions?

AL
Firstofall--it'sa
Kangaroo-mobile,andnotabus.
Andsecondofall--yes,wehaveto
takeit.

VIPER
Whycan'twetakeacar?

AL
Dude.Howmanytimesarewegonna
gooverthis?Wetakethe
Kangaroo-mobile,becausewe're
drunk,andwedon'tdrivedrunk.
 8.

VIPER
Right.But,howaboutwegoon
missionswithoutgettingdrunk?

AL
Dude.Nowyou'rejustbeing
ridiculous.

Thebusstops,andTOSSEDSALADMAN(40,wearingatossed
saladoutfit)getsonandsitsacrossfromAlandViper.

AL(CONT'D)
Whothethehellareyou,buddy?

TOSSEDSALADMAN
I'mTossedSaladMan.

AL
TossedSaladMan?You'renamed
afterasexact?

TOSSEDSALADMAN
No,fuckhead.I'mnamedafter
tossedsalad.Thefood.

AL
Oh.That'smuchbetter,you
lunatic.Nowgetoffthisbus.I
mean,thesuperheroruleboooksays
therecan'tbemorethanone
superheroonthesamebus.

VIPER
Butwe'rebothonthisbus.

AL
You'remysidekick.Sidekicks
aren'tsuperheroes.

VIPER
WhosaysI'mthesidekick?

AL
What--youthinkI'mthesidekick?

VIPER
You'remoreofasidekickthanI
am.

AL
HowamImoreofasidekickthan
youare?You're20yearsold.I'm
44.Youdon'tknowshit.
 9.

VIPER
I'mtheBoyWonder.

AL
Oh.Yeah.You'retheBoyWonder.
Asin,"Boy--Iwonderwhata
dumbassthat20yearoldkidis."

VIPER
Asin,Igota1750onmySATs.

AL
Great.IfIeverneedyourskill
insolvingpirsquaredor
definingthewordlugubrious,I'll
besuretoletyouknow,Mr.SAT.
Nowhere'sourstop.Howaboutyou
useoneofyouralgebraic
equationstofigureouthowtoget
yourassoutofthatseatandoff
ofthisKangaroo-mobile?

EXT.STREET-DAY

AlandViperarewalkingonthesidewalk.

AL
OK.MyKangaroosenseissaying
thatwegottago300pacesthis
way.

Theycontinuewalking.

VIPER
Istilldon'treallygetthis
mission.

AL
Whatthehellistherenottoget?

VIPER
Well.Cablecompanieschargetoo
muchmoney,andcablechannels
showtoomanycommercials.

AL
Right.

VIPER
Sowhatexactlyarewegonnado
aboutallofthat?
 10.

AL
Simple.We'regonnahuntdownthe
headcableexecutive,
KaybulliciousConroy.Andwe're
gonnabeatthefuckoutofhim.

VIPER
Um.OK.

Theywalkuptoabuilding.

AL
OK.Thisistheplace.

Theylookintoawindow,andseeagroupofMENINSUITS
havingameetinginanofficeroom.

INT.OFFICEROOM-DAY

KAYBULLICIOUSCONROY
Ihaveanidea.Let'sshowmore
commercials.

EXECUTIVE
Morecommercials?Wealreadyshow
alotofcommercials.

KAYBULLICIOUSCONROY
Let'sshowmorecommercials.And
let'saddtheSynchronized
SwimmingNetworktoourbasic
cablepackage,andchargeour
subscribersanextra$1.27forit.

EXECUTIVE2
That'sagreatidea,Kaybullicious
Conroy.I'mgettinghardjust
thinkingaboutit.

EXECUTIVE
Me,too.

EXECUTIVE3
Me,too.Oh--anddon'tforgetthat
we'rebankers,andwe'repartof
theIlluminati.

KAYBULLICIOUSCONROY
Right.yeah.So,let'scharge
peoplemoreinterest.

EXECUTIVE2
Greatidea,KaybulliciousConroy.
 11.

KAYBULLICIOUSCONROY
Oh--andtellESPNtorenewthe
contractofAlMichaels.Ilove
themundane,unspectacularsports
announcingthathedoes.

EXT.STREET-DAY

AL
(toViper)
Dude.Areyoulisteningtothis
bullcrap?They'regonnarenewAl
Michaels'scontract,andadda
freakingSynchronizedSwimming
Network,andchargemoreinterest.
I'llbetthisisthepartofthe
meetingwheretheseguysstart
havingsexwiththeirmoney.

Theylookbackinside.

INT.OFFICEROOM-DAY

KAYBULLICIOUSCONROY
OK.Thisisthepartofthe
meetingwherewestarthavingsex
withourmoney.Everyone--shovea
wadofhundreddollarbillsin
yourpants.

EXECUTIVE2
Excellentidea,Kaybullicious
Conroy.

EXT.STREET-DAY

AL
Itoldyou.Alright.Let'smake
ourmove.

VIPER
What'sourstrategy,KangarooMan?

AL
We'llwalkinthroughthefront
door,andjuststartbeatingthe
shitoutofeveryone.

VIPER
Thatdoesn'tsoundlikea
strategy.
 12.

AL
Strategiesareforpussies.OK.
Let'sdothis.

Theyenterthebuilding.

INT.OFFICEROOM-DAY

EXECUTIVE2
It'sViper!

EXECUTIVE3
AndKangarooMan!

AL
Don'tyoumean,"It'sKangaroo
Man.AndViper."

EXECUTIVE2
Uh.No.

AL
ButI'mthesuperhero,andhe's
thesidekick.

EXECUTIVE
I'mprettysureit'stheotherway
around.

AL
I'mprettysurewe'regonnakick
yourasses.

KAYBULLICIOUSCONROY
(callsout)
RemoteControlio.Tivotastic.
Attack!

ThehenchmanREMOTECONTROLIOandTIVOTASTICattackAland
Viper.Theyallbeginfighting.Atonepoint,
REMOTECONTROLIOstartsdoingsomekaratemovies.

AL
Dude.Whatareyoudoing?

REMOTECONTROLIO
Karate.

AL
You'reRemoteControlio--notKung
FuFuckingPanda.Fightlikean
American!
 13.

Theyallcontinuefighting.ThethreeExecutivesjoinin,
andthefivemenbegintodominateAlandViper.

INT.ROOM-DAY

AlandViperaretiedtochairs,andsittinginfrontofa
TV.

KaybulliciousConroyandtheExecutivesarestandingnear
them.

KAYBULLICIOUSCONROY
Listenup,Viper.We'regonnamake
you...

AL
Waitasecond.Whyareyoutelling
himstuff,insteadoftellingme
stuff?I'mthesuperhero.He'sthe
sidekick.

KAYBULLICIOUSCONROY
Whatever!Listenup,Viperand
KangarooMan.We'regonnaturnon
Netflix,andstartplayingthe
showHowIMetYourMother.

AL
Netflix?You'rethecablecompany.

KAYBULLICIOUSCONROY
Yes.Butwedon'thavetherights
toplayHowIMetYourMother
wheneverwewant.Weonlyhavethe
rightstobroadcastitfourtimes
adayonTBS.Sowe'regonnause
Netflix.

AL
Howthehelldoyouevenhavea
Netflixaccount?Netflixisyour
directcompetitor.

KAYBULLICIOUSCONROY
WehaveaNetflixaccount!OK!We
watch95%cable.Butsometimeswe
streamNetflix.Imean,
RemoteControlioreallylikes
OrangeistheNewBlack.Anyways,
we'regonnaplayHowIMetYour
Mother,andwalkaway.
(MORE)
 14.

KAYBULLICIOUSCONROY(CONT'D)
AndwhenNetflixasks,"Areyou
stillhere,"oursupercomputeris
gonnaautomaticallyanswerYes.
Andwhenaseasonisover,our
supercomputerisgonna
automaticallyplaythenext
season.Andwhenthefinalseason
isover,oursupercomputeris
gonnastartseason1again.

VIPER
(toAl)
Holybingewatching,KangarooMan!

KAYBULLICIOUSCONROY
Yougotthatright,Viper.You're
gonnabingewatchthisshow,like
noone'severbingewatchedit
before.
(toExecutives)
Let'sgo.

Theyexit.

(Later)

Closeuponaclockthatsays4:02.

AlandViperarewatchingtheshow.

VIPER
Thisshowisseriouslystupid.

AL
Seriously.Imean,whowatches
thisshit?Like,mygirlfriend
watchesalotofstupidshows--but
shedoesn'twatchthis.IfIever
watchherwatchingit,I'mgonna
breakupwithher.Iseriouslyam.
Irefusetodateawomanwho
watchesHowIMetYourMother.

VIPER
Ioncebrokeupwithawoman,
becauseshewouldn'tstoptalking
toherfriendaboutthatmovieThe
Notebook.Shewassittingnearme,
onthephone,justgoingonandon
aboutTheNotebookthis,andThe
Notebookthat.SoIwasalllike,
"Listenup,Heather.Thisisan
abusiverelationship.
(MORE)
 15.

VIPER(CONT'D)
You'reabusingmyearsbytalking
aboutthefuckingNotebook."And
shewasalllike,"Iwasn'teven
talkingtoyou."AndIsaid,"But
I'minyourgeneralvicinity.
You'veheardofsecondhandsmoke.
Well,thisissecondhandear
abuse."

AL
Dude.Whatthehellareyou
talkingabout?Secondhandsmokeis
goodforyou.

VIPER
Um.What?

AL
Youranalogymadeitsoundlike
it'snotgoodforyou.The
Illuminatiwantspeopletobelieve
theyshouldn'tsmoke.It's
bullshit.Secondhandsmokeis
healthy.Onlyit'snotashealthy
asfirsthandsmoke,since
firsthandsmokehaswaymore
vitaminsandmineralsand
carcinogensinit.
(looksatscreen)
Dude.Howmanyepisodesofthis
shithaveweseen?

VIPER
Um.Well.Threeminutesofone
episode.

AL
Ihaveanidea.I'mgonnausethe
KangarooWhiskeyDrinker.
(tonoone)
Activatewhiskey.

Astrawgoesintohismouth,andhedrinkswhiskeythrough
it.

VIPER
Howisthatgonnafreeusfrom
theseropes?

AL
Itisn't.Ijustfeellikegetting
drunk.

(Later)
 16.

AL(CONT'D)
Dude.Mygirlfriendis,like,
awesomebro.Iseriouslyloveher.
Butthatbeingsaid,she'smessed
upinthehead.Letmetellyou
whatshesaidtheotherday.

VIPER
Holdthephone,KangarooMan.
Beforeyougetintothat,let's
comeupwithsomekindofagame
plan.

AL
Yeah.IneedagameplanonhowI
shoulddealwithherandthefact
thatshejustleavesherboxof
tamponsrightthereinthe
bathroom.Shedoesn'tevenput
theminthemedicinecabinet.

VIPER
Imeantweneedagameplanto
dealwiththeseropesandstuff.

AL
Wait.Ihaveanidea.
(tonoone)
Activatewhiskeydrinker.

VIPER
Dude.Canwefocusonourmission
forasecond?

AL
Don'tyougetit,Viper?Before,I
wasn'tdrunkenoughtobreakout
oftheseropes.ButifIget
drunker,Icandoit.

VIPER
I'mnotsosureIgetyourlogic,
KangarooMan.

AL
Wellthengostudylogicsome
more,BoyWonder!Golearnabout
theadhominy!

Hestartsdrinkingwhiskey.

EXT.BUILDING-DAY

ViperandKangarooManwalkoutofthebuilding.
 17.

VIPER
Dude.Istilldon'tgethowyou
drinkingwhiskeyhelpedyouget
outofthoseropes.

AL
That'sbecauseyou'rea20year
oldkidwhodoesn'tknowjack
shit.

AlspotsKaybulliciousConroyandhismenwalkingahalf
blockaway.

AL(CONT'D)
Theretheyare.

AlandViperrunuptothemandbeatthecrapoutofthem.

INT.BUS-NIGHT

AlandViperareonthebus.

AL
Dude.Thatwasagoodfight.

VIPER
Yeah.Um.Shouldwestopata
7-11,andgetsomeBand-Aidsor
something?

AL
Fuckthat,bro!Youknowtherule.
Band-Aidsareforpussies.Aftera
fight,you'resupposedtobleedon
thebus,allthewayhome.

VIPER
Whothehelltoldyouthatrule?

AL
Definitelynotawoman.Women
don'tknowadamnthingaboutthis
kindofstuff.Theythinktheydo,
though.Theythinktheyknow
everything.Mygirlfriendislike
that.Thearroganceofthatwoman
isridiculous!

VIPER
So,uh--let'ssee.Webeatthe
shitoutofthecableexecutives.
(MORE)
 18.

VIPER(CONT'D)
Now,explaintomehowthat's
gonnalowerthepriceofcable,
andreducethefrequencyof
commercials.

AL
Dude.Whatever.Thepointis,we
beattheshitoutofcable
executives.

VIPER
Right....Howthehellisthat
thepoint?

AL
It'sthepoint.

VIPER
Itmightnotbethepoint.

AL
Dude--you'restartingtosounda
lotlikemygirlfriend,theway
youargueaboutstuff.Just,like,
stoparguing,andkeepbleeding.

INT.APARTMENT-EARLYEVENING

Alenters.He'snolongerwearinghiskangaroomask.
Melanieissittingonthesofa,watchingTV.

AL
Honey.I'mhome.

MELANIE
Heybaby.Whyareyoubleeding?

AL
Icutmyselfshaving.So,uh,
what'sfordinner?

MELANIE
It's5:45.

AL
ButI'mhungryrightnow.

MELANIE
Soorderapizza.

AL
AndwhatifIwaittwohours?Then
what'llbefordinner?
 19.

MELANIE
Apizzathatyouorderat7:45.

AL
Ithoughtyousaidyouweregonna
makedinnertonight.

MELANIE
WhendidIsaythat?

AL
Idon'tknow.You'reawoman.It's
implied.

MELANIE
DoIlooklikeMarthaStewart?

AL
Whatever.I'mnotinthemoodto
arguerightnow.I'mgonnasit
down,watchthegameITivoed,and
fastforwardthroughallthe
commercials.Andthenatthe
halftime,we'llhavesexand/or
eatamealofsomesort,ormaybe
I'lljustjackoffrightherein
theden.Andthenwhenthegame's
over,Igottagodoashow.OK?

MELANIE
Fine.

AL
Soarewegonnahavesex,oramI
gonnajackoff?

MELANIE
Well.I'malittletiredright
now.

AL
Great.TakesomevitaminB12,and
thentakeoffyourclothes.

INT.COMEDYCLUB-NIGHT

ALisperformingforanAUDIENCEofabout50people.

AL
Thesecablecompanies--theymake
youpayforchannelsthatyouhave
nointerestinwatching.
(MORE)
 20.

AL(CONT'D)
Like,ifyouwantESPN,youhave
togetabasiccablepackage,
whichmeansyouhavetopayfor
BlackEntertainmentTelevisionand
theGameShowNetwork.Um.Whothe
fuckisgroupingthesechannels
together?Imean,doyouthink
afterIwatchMondayNight
Football,Iwanttosupplement
thatwithrerunsofPasswordPlus
andMoesha?AnytimeIwatcha
gameshow,Iwanttopunch
everyoneintheface.Thehost,
thecontestants,theaudience,and
especiallyVannaWhite--thattwo
bitblondewhorewho'spaid$15
millionayeartoputherhand
nexttoconsonantsandvowels.By
theway--Iabsolutely,positively
don'tcondoneviolenceagainst
women.Butthatbeingsaid,I
absolutely,positivelywantVanna
Whitetogetpunchedinthe
fuckingface.Ican'tdothe
punching,sinceI'maman,andI
don'tbelieveinhittingwomen.So
basically,I'msayingthatIwant
awomantopunchVannaWhitein
theface.How'sthat?CanIsay
that?Isthatoffensive?Ithink
it'sOK.Iwantawomantopunch
VannaWhiteintheface.AndI
wantthewomantobea200pound
lesbian.CanIsaythat?Isthat
offensive?Whatever.Fuckit.I'm
sayingit.Iwouldwatchevery
episodeofWheelofFortune,ifat
somepointduringthegame,a200
poundlesbiancameoutandkicked
thecrapoutofVannaWhite.
That'squalityTV.Everythingelse
aboutthatshowisn't.Andletme
justsaythis.Couldanythingbe
moredegradingthanbeinga
contestantonagameshow?
Yeah--youmightwin$50,000.But
you'lldefinitelylooklikea
totalwhoreonnationalTV.That's
whatitsaysinthosecontracts
theymakeyousignfortheshow.
(MORE)
 21.

AL(CONT'D)
"Youagreetoclap,andsmile,and
spinawheel,andactlikea
completefuckingwhore,justso
youmightwinatriptoAcapulco."
Here'sanidea.Ifyouwanttogo
toAcapulco,thengetoutyour
walletandpayforthetrip.Orif
youcan'taffordthattrip,then
takeatriptoyourlocalDel
Taco.Eitherway,you'rea
jackass.