Original

As the clock struck midnight and the chimes turned on, I felt my blood
turn to ice, I knew it was time for the Ultra Skull to strike again. I had just
turned seventeen and I still didnt know how to take away my curse; I could
still kill people with one glance. I grabbed my shades on my way out the door
and jumped into my hyped up mustang that had a sweet supercharger on
the hood. Youve probably all heard of The Krongel, but in case you havent,
Krongel is the guy that protects Peripheral City. You probably dont know
about me, the guy who takes out the super powered criminals. Oh, youre
also probably saying to yourself, Whats the big deal if you can kill with one
look? Well, Im going to tell you that it is not that easy. You see, killing
people is not something to be taken lightly, you cant just kill someone and
then be able to move on like, no harm, no foul. Killing someone takes a lot
out of your soul. Its almost as if every single time I kill I lose feeling, I lose
love.

Well any how, I guess you need to know how I got my powers. So hear
goes nothing. I was just driving my sweet ride out that night when all of a
sudden, KABOOM! the nuclear plant blew up. As the shockwave tore
throughout the city I got hit. That night, the reason that I was driving was
because I was filled with a murderous rage, my father and I had just had a
fight. Oh, how much I wish I hadnt fought with him. It was just me and him
ever since mom left us. I was three then, and I didnt understand why mom
was leaving. But since now I knew (at least what my dad told me) I blamed
my dad every day. So I got hit by the Chernobyl accident, and because of
that rage, my eyes were changed. They would no longer only be used for
seeing things but now they would be used to kill things also. So as the
shockwaves tore through my bones, changing my anatomy, I new something
was changing. So I drove as fast as I could (within the law) back home, I
knew I needed to apologize.

When I got home I ran to the living room and looked around
bewildered; my father wasnt there. I ran upstairs and looked for my dad. As
walked into my room I looked straight into my dogs eyes, and all of a sudden
he froze and sort-of fell asleep. So, I ran back to my car and drove away,
trying to find my dad. I drove and drove until I my throat was sore and I
couldnt call for my dad anymore. As the night got darker my eyes started to
cloud with sleep. I felt myself dozing off, yet there was nothing I could do
about it. I was fading, fading away

I woke up with a start. I looked over and saw that my beautiful

mustang had been dented and scratched. I also saw what was left of an old
pickup truck. But wait, that truck looked familiar, where had I seen it before?
In our garage? It was my fathers! Thats weird I thought. Why would my
father be out in the middle of nowhere? Wait! The middle of nowhere? Where
am I? I pondered this thought in my head for a while before I figured out that
I fell asleep while driving. Oh I said outloud to myself. That felt weird,
hearing myself talk for the first time in, hours. SON!? SON!? HELP, My leg is
stuck! said a familiar voice. Dad? I said cautiously.
Son! Get me out of here!
Ok! Keep talking so I can find you
My Dad started blabbing irrelevantly, so I attended to the task at hand.
Within 10 minutes I had found my dad. He was stuck underneath the chassis
of his wrecked, old pickup truck. I quickly found a problem; my dad was
covered in a slick slime. I assumed this was his new hair hair gel product he
had been working on. As I started to pull my dad out from underneath the
pickup I looked into his eyes and we both died.

Well, not exactly, you see as soon as I touched him there was a poison
on him. I assume that he made it, but to this day I still have no idea about
what happened next. So as you know, we both died. But because of the
nuclear explosion we both had powers over death. So as soon as we died we
were given a decision to be come back alive. I guess we both said yes,
because the next thing I knew I was gasping for air, alive again!

I knew if I looked at anybody ever again they would die. So thinking

about the most logical way to prevent it, I put my hands in front of my eyes.
Immediately felt a dampening, as if I was held by a leash. I started stumbling
around to search for my dad, but then suddenly felt a cold hand on my
shoulder and an even colder, harsher, voice saying, Sorry, son, it has to be
this way, there cant be two of us. I briefly wondered what this voice ment,
but it quickly made sense as soon as I felt the familiar freeze of death
 As I escaped the cold grasp of death once more, I began to remember
what had happened, my father had killed me. What had he meant, there
can only be one of use? I pondered to myself. I remembered that I had my
eyes closed. Now opening them, I wished that I hadnt remembered, I was
buried in dirt. I quickly realized that I could breath and decided to start with
that. I needed to find the vent that was providing me with air. As I shifted, I
realized how much dirt was stacked on me. As I winced and looked to my left
I saw a spot of light. I tried lifting my hands to dig a hole to get out. This as it
turned out was a bad idea, because as I shifted again all it did was let the
ceiling of my dirt coffin crumble around me. On the bright side, my shifting
made a larger hole, one large enough to stick my hand out. As I crawled out,
I felt like I had just had another sparring match with death and had come out
of it alive, once again.

I popped out of my grave, feeling like a newborn babe. I took a deep

breath of the sweet morning air, focusing my thoughts. I observed my
surroundings, taking in everything. I came to the conclusion that I was on a
farm in the middle of nowhere. I decided that my dad took my car and hastily
dug me a haphazard grave, stuck me in it and then ditched me. I started off
at a slow trot, trying to make it to the farm. The silos on the farm were burnt
down. This showed me that I was still in the blast radius of Chernobyl. As I
made it to the barn I yanked the door, or what was left of the door off of its
hinges. As I walked into the old style barn, a man ran at me from nowhere, it
looked like his eyes had been gouged out of his face. As my eyes turned to
his hands I saw blood, his own blood.

As I waited for the impact, I briefly wondered if there were an amount

of times that I could come back to life, or if it was unlimited. As the mans
body made contact with mine, I felt like I had gone back to my high school
tryouts for football, getting tackled by the 250 pound freshman. As both of us
tumbled to the floor, I saw his hands, reaching up and trying to grab my face.
I assumed that he was trying to gouge out my eyes like he had done to
himself. I had to do something or else I would lose my eyes, my gift, my
curse. Looking back at it, I sort-of wished that I had let him rip my eyes out,
then I wouldnt have had to carry this burden. But alas, I didnt. Instead, I
shoved him away, my own strength dwarfing his own. He sort-of flew across
the barn and crumpled in the corner.
Independent revision

1. What elements are you revising for and why? (Possibilities may include
characterization, setting description, theme development, action, suspense
or dialogue).
I am revising for the setting description. I am doing this because I feel that
my character was more of a disembodied voice than an actual person.

2. What do you want your reader to infer about your character or plot?
I would like the reader to infer that the main characters father is bad. This is
a big part of my story and is crucial to the plot.

3. Check all the things below that you feel you have ALREADY accomplished
in your story AND HIGHLIGHT A PLACE IN THE TEXT WHERE YOU DO EACH OF
THESE.

___X__Plot contributes to main idea or lesson. - GREEN

. ___X__Dialogue reveals character motivations, flaws and

struggles - BLUE
___X__Dialogue or detail establishes characterization - PINK
___X__Detail/plot contributes to meaning/lesson of story- GREEN
___X__Adds complexity to character by showing virtues and
flaws- RED
_____Shows characters relationship to setting - YELLOW
___X__Purposeful description of setting - PURPLE
___X__Uses well-developed word choice- ORANGE

4. Copy and paste original document twice into revision document. You will
leave the original alone and revise/change/edit the second one. When you
submit the assignment, you will have the original and final revised piece
together in one document.

5. Make the CONTENT changes that are necessary.

Add in any elements you are missing from the checklist.
Delete unnecessary parts.
Change or edit anything you need to make the piece as best it
can be.

6. Edit!
Make sure you have spelled everything correctly.
Check the punctuation for all sentences AND dialogue
Capitalize correct words
Use the best, high level and precise vocabulary you can
EDITED PIECE

As the clock struck midnight and the chimes turned on, I felt my blood
turn to ice, I knew it was time for the Ultra Skull to strike again. I had just
turned seventeen and I still didnt know how to take away my curse; I could
still kill people with one glance. I grabbed my shades and rain jacket on my
way out the door and jumped into my hyped up mustang that had a sweet
supercharger on the hood. Youve probably all heard of The Krongel, but in
case you havent, Krongel is the guy that protects Peripheral City. You
probably dont know about me, the guy who takes out the super powered
criminals. Oh, youre also probably saying to yourself, Whats the big deal if
you can kill with one look? Well, Im going to tell you that it is not that easy.
You see, killing people is not something to be taken lightly, you cant just kill
someone and then be able to move on like, no harm, no foul. Killing someone
takes a lot out of your soul. Its almost as if every single time I kill I lose
feeling, I lose love.

Well any how, I guess you need to know how I got my powers. So hear
goes nothing. I was just driving my sweet ride out that night when all of a
sudden, KABOOM! the nuclear plant blew up. As the shockwave tore
throughout the city I got hit. That night, the reason that I was driving was
because I was filled with a murderous rage, my father and I had just had a
fight. Oh, how much I wish I hadnt fought with him. It was just me and him
ever since mom left us. I was three then, and I didnt understand why mom
was leaving. But since now I knew (at least what my dad told me) I blamed
my dad every day. So I got hit by the particle accelerator, and because of
that rage, my eyes were changed. They would no longer only be used for
seeing things but now they would be used to kill things also. So as the
shockwaves tore through my bones, changing my anatomy, I new something
was changing. So I drove as fast as I could (within the law) back home, I
knew I needed to apologize.

When I got home I ran to the living room and looked around
bewildered; my father wasnt there. I ran upstairs and looked for my dad. As
walked into my room I looked straight into my dogs eyes, and all of a sudden
he froze and sort-of fell asleep. So, I ran back to my car and drove away,
trying to find my dad. I drove and drove until I my throat was sore and I
couldnt call for my dad anymore. As the night got darker my eyes started to
cloud with sleep. I felt myself dozing off, yet there was nothing I could do
about it. I was fading, fading away

I woke up with a start. I looked over and saw that my beautiful

mustang had been dented and scratched. I also saw what was left of an old
pickup truck. But wait, that truck looked familiar, where had I seen it before?
In our garage? It was my fathers! Thats weird I thought. Why would my
father be out in the middle of nowhere? Wait! The middle of nowhere? Where
am I? I pondered this thought in my head for a while before I figured out that
I fell asleep while driving. Oh I said outloud to myself. That felt weird,
hearing myself talk for the first time in, hours. SON!? SON!? HELP, My leg is
stuck! said a familiar voice. Dad? I said cautiously.
Son! Get me out of here!
Ok! Keep talking so I can find you
My Dad started blabbing irrelevantly, so I attended to the task at hand.
Within 10 minutes I had found my dad. He was stuck underneath the chassis
of his wrecked, old pickup truck. I quickly found a problem; my dad was
covered in a slick slime and the body was on top of him. I assumed this was
his new hair hair gel product he had been working on. As I started to pull my
dad out from underneath the pickup I looked into his eyes and we both died.

Well, not exactly, you see as soon as I touched him there was a poison
on him. I assume that he made it, but to this day I still have no idea about
what happened next. So as you know, we both died. But because of the
nuclear explosion we both had powers over death. So as soon as we died we
were given a decision to come back alive. I guess we both said yes, because
the next thing I knew I was gasping for air, alive again!

I knew if I looked at anybody ever again they would die. So thinking

about the most logical way to prevent it, I put my hands in front of my eyes.
Immediately felt a dampening, as if I was held by a leash. I started stumbling
around to search for my dad, but then suddenly felt a cold hand on my
shoulder and an even colder, harsher, voice saying, Sorry, son, it has to be
this way, there cant be two of us. I briefly wondered what this voice ment,
but it quickly made sense as soon as I felt the familiar freeze of death

As I escaped the cold grasp of death once more, I began to remember

what had happened, my father had killed me. What had he meant, there
can only be one of use? I pondered to myself. I remembered that I had my
eyes closed. Now opening them, I wished that I hadnt remembered, I was
buried in dirt. I quickly realized that I could breath and decided to start with
that. I needed to find the vent that was providing me with air. As I shifted, I
realized how much dirt was stacked on me. As I winced and looked to my left
I saw a spot of light. I tried lifting my hands to dig a hole to get out. This as it
turned out was a bad idea, because as I shifted again all it did was let the
ceiling of my dirt coffin crumble around me. On the bright side, my shifting
made a larger hole, one large enough to stick my hand out. As I crawled out,
I felt like I had just had another duel with death and had come out of it alive,
once again.

I popped out of my grave, feeling like a newborn babe. I took a deep

breath of the sweet morning air, focusing my thoughts. I observed my
surroundings, taking in everything. I came to the conclusion that I was on a
farm in the middle of nowhere. I decided that my dad took my car and hastily
dug me a haphazard grave, stuck me in it and then ditched me. I started off
at a slow trot, trying to make it to the farm. The silos on the farm were burnt
down. This showed me that I was still in the blast radius of Chernobyl. As I
made it to the barn I yanked the door, or what was left of the door off of its
hinges. As I walked into the old style barn, a man ran at me from nowhere, it
looked like his eyes had been gouged out of his face. As my eyes turned to
his hands I saw blood, his own blood.
 As I waited for the impact, I briefly wondered if there were an amount
of times that I could come back to life, or if it was unlimited. As the mans
body made contact with mine, I felt like I had gone back to my high school
tryouts for football, getting tackled by the 250 pound freshman. As both of us
tumbled to the floor, I saw his hands, reaching up and trying to grab my face.
I assumed that he was trying to gouge out my eyes like he had done to
himself. I had to do something or else I would lose my eyes, my gift, my
curse. Looking back at it, I sort-of wished that I had let him rip my eyes out,
then I wouldnt have had to carry this burden. But alas, I didnt. Instead, I
shoved him away, my own strength dwarfing his own. He sort-of flew across
the barn and crumpled in the corner.

Before you read your partners piece, ask them what they want feedback on.
This writer wants feedback on...
Their dialogue
After reading partners piece, look over their independent revision that they
completed. Do you think they were successful in accomplishing what they
set out to revise or not? Be specific.
They were pretty effective, only missing the editing of one piece of dialogue.
This writer was especially successful with. Keeping me intrigued.
Because he gave me enough and not too much.

This writer should still consider. Making his piece make more sense.
Because in some places it was a bit too vague.

Your feedback on the specific thing the writer asked you to look at:
His dialogue was great and only had one slip up.

Give the writer an overall score on each of the following. Rate each from 1-5
(1 lowest, 5 highest).

Characterization: 5
Plot/action: 4
Theme/message/big idea: 4
Dialogue: 4
Suspense: 5
Vocabulary: 6
Mechanics (spelling, punctuation): 4
Share this document with the writer when you are done. Writers should then
all look back to their pieces one final time and make any last revisions due to
peer review.