Camerone Apologies and Other Nuisances

A PLAY IN TWO ACTS
BY
A. D. CAMERONE
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Copyright ~ 1992, by Arthur Camerone
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APOLOGIES AND OTHER NUISANCES is slightly

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THE CAST
AMANDA MICHAELS Meredith’s Granddaughter and Executrix
MEREDITH MICHAELS The Deceased (Seen only on videotape)
MAUDE MICHAELS Meredith’s Widowed Sister-in-Law
MICHAEL MICHAELS Maude’s Son
MICHELE MICHAELS Michael’s Wife
MAGGIE MICHAELS Maude’s Daughter
DEVON OAKRIDGE The Attorney
FRAN ROTHSCHILD Meredith’s Life-long Friend
JOSHUA ROTHSCHILD Fran’s Husband
MRS. STEVENSON Meredith’s longtime live-in housekeeper
HUBERT H. QUIGLEY Mortician
DR. GEORGE BANCROFT County Coroner
DETo WALTER LIPPMAN Homicide Detective

APOLOGIES AND OTHER NUISANCES
ACT I
For the full interior of MEREDITH MICHAELS’S Victorian

home see floor plans°
We are downstairs in the living room° Upstage center is
an attached sun paloro There is a door, stage left, leading
to the kitchen. This door also leads to stairs which go down
to the basement. The kitchen and stairs down are both off
stage. Stage right is a hallway with stairs up and a foyer
entrance to a front door.
MEREDITH MICHAELS is deceased just two days. Her will is
quite eccentric calling for her wake to take place at her
house.
MEREDITH’S family and friends, all supposed heirs to her
sizeable fortune, are as per the terms of the will assembled
at her home for the three-day wake.
It is Friday morning and the family is awaiting the
delivery of the deceased in her casket from the local
undertaker.
MEREDITH’S widowed sister-in,law, MAUDE is supervising.
the rearrangement of the furniture and other items that
surround the funeral bier. The funeral bier is located
upstage center in the sun paloro
MAUDE is busy ordering around her son, MICHAEL MICHAELS
and his wife, MICHELE, as well as MAUDE’S divorced daughter,
MAGGIE MICHAELS. ¯
MAUDE sits in a overstuffed highback chair as the other
three try to follow out her confusing demands.
MAUDE
(Michael is moving the lamp to the left.) Michael, move
that floorlamp all the way to the right. (Michael does so;
as he does, the still plugged in lamp wire pulis him back.)
Michele, help your helpless husband--unplug that wire.
(Michele does so.) Mary take down that picture. (Mary
does so.) Bring it here.
MAGGIE
(As she brings the painting to Maude.) Oh, God, this is

too morbid. Why do we have to arrange the funeral bier? The
mortician should do it.
2 ACTS BY A.D. CAMERONE - Pg. 1

MAUDE
(Perusing the painting.) Oh Lord, no, I insisted on
doing it myself. Don’t be so impersonal dear o o . after
all, it was Auntie Meredith’s deathbed request that the wake
be held here in her home. You should be grateful she
remembered us in her will. I wonder who got this? (She
places the painting on the side of’the chair.) (To Mary
Margaret) Go pick up that throw rug. (Mary Margaret
sighs and does so.)
MICHAEL
(Fumbling with the lampshade as his wife squirms under a
table trying to plug the wire into the outlet.) What makes
you think she left us anything? She made Amanda executrix of
the estate.
MAUDE
Only a minor detail, son° Who else deserves the money more
than us° There are not many choices here. Meredith’s only
blood relatives are us and Amanda. And remember, your dear
departed auntie hasn’t seem much of Amanda these past few
years . o not with all the travelling your cousin Amanda
has been doing.
MICHELE
Don’t forget the Rothschilds and Mrs. Stevenson. Aunt
Meredith’s letter lists them as inheritors. They have been
cut in for a piece of the pie too.
MAUDE
Oh, yes, I quite forgot about the otherso Well, not to
worry, my dears, Fran and Joshua Rothschild were only Aunt
Meredith’s friends° And Mrs° Stevenson was only her
housekeeper°
MICHAEL
(The lamp is finally set up.) Some housekeeper o . o she
won’t even come out of her room. I could have used some
breakfast this morning. What is she being paid for?
2 ACTS BY AoD. CAMERONE - Pg. 2

MICHELE
Amanda said Aunt Meredith’s letter frees Mrs° Stevenson from
doing any housekeeping chores° She is a guest here just like
the rest of USo
MAGGIE
I think finding Aunt Meredith dead was too much of a shock

for her. That is why she won’t leave her room°
MAUDE
Either way, blood is thicker than water
MAGGIE
Mother, how can you sit there and pretend this is normal. No
one holds a wake in their home any more~ And why do ~e have
to stay on the premises for the entire three days?
MICHELE
(She has been following Michael around assisting his every
move.) Are we really going to stay in the house for three
days?
MAUDE
Amanda says the letter from Meredith was quite specific as to
the instructions for the wake. All the beneficiaries are
required to stay in the house for the duration of the
three-day wake.
MICHELE
That .means we have to sleep here with the corpse. (No one
acknowledges her comments. She looks at the platform and
steps back startled.)
MICHAEL
Mother, you know I like to take a walk every morning.

Surely, it doesn’t matter if we go out for a walk or
something.
2 ACTS BY A.D~ CAMERONE - Pg. 3

MAUDE
Oh, yes, it does. No one is allowed to leave the house for
the next three days. If you do, you will be automatically
disinherited. Everyone stays put until Sunday morning. And
then we all go to the cemetery for the internment. After the
cemetery, we come back here for the reading of the willo
(Looking over at the far wall.) Maggie, take down that
mirror. Michael, straighten out that bier°
MAGGIE
(Following orders~) This is all too much. What could
that crazy old lady have been thinking about? {She drops
the mirror° It breaks. She quickly trys to pick up the
pieces.) Oh, no . . I’m sorry.
MICHELE
(Going to help her.) Be careful, Maggie° Oh .
you’ve cut yourself does it hurt? here, let me
help you.
MICHAEL
There’s seven years bad luck.
MAUDE
Good grief, Maggie. Watch what you are doing. Michele, take
her into the kitchen and rinse off that blood° (Maggie and
Michele exit.) Michael, go get a broom to clean up that
mess. (Michael exits°) Good Lord, do I have to do
everything myself. (She rises. Walks over the broken
glass and fiddles with the platform and column.)
(Enter Amanda
AMANDA
Aunt Maude, is everthing all right? I heard a crash.
2 ACTS BY A.Do CAMERONE - Pg. 4

MAUDE
Oh everything is just fine. Maggie had a slight mishap.
(She points to the shattered glass.) That mirror fell
off the wallo
AMANDA
Oh dear . 0 it was grandma’s favorite. (She bends down

to pick up the frame.) It’s been in the family for
generations. The frame seems all right.
MAUDE
Accidents will happen. Are Fran and Joshua all settled in

upstairs?
AMANDA
Yes, as per Grandma’s instructions, the Rothschilds-will be

staying in the front bedroom. Thank God this old house has"
plenty of rooms. I hope you and Maggie will be comfortable
in the attic bedroom. I know it’s a little cramped up
there.
MAUDE
I don’t see why we aren’t staying in Mrs. Stevenson’s room.
After all there are two of us and we are kin.
AMANDA
I do hope Mrs. Stevenson is all right. She still refuses to

leave her room . and she won’t talk much. I’m afraid
that she’s in shock.
MAUDE
Well if she’s in shock, she won’t know the difference. Just
switch the sleeping arrangements around and give her the
attic bedroom.
AMANDA
I am afraid that would be up to Mrs. Stevenson. I’ve told

you several times what Grandma’s letter stipulates.
Mrs. Stevenson is a guest in this house for as long as she
wishes to stay. She is not here to be our housekeeper
anymore. Try to think of her as a member of the family.

MAUDE
A member of the family? Good Lord o . o well why not switch
our room with the Rothschild’s? They aren’t family.
AMANDA
I’m not at liberty to start changing things, Aunt Maude.

Grandma seems to have gone to great lengths to make these
preparations for her wake. She seems to have taken care of
everything including the sleeping arrangements. For the last
time, you and Maggie share one attic bedroom; Michael and his
wife share the other.
MAUDE
Well, these arrangements seem more than a little eccentric to
me. Why would Meredith make these requests of us?
AMANDA
I’m not sure. I told you everything that was in the letter.
(She pulis out a paper.) I have been named executrix.
We have our instructions to assemble here at the house.
Everyone was give specific room assignments. No one is to
leave the premises for the duration of the three-day wake°
More instructions will follow after the mortician delivers
the body and casket. A lawyer will contact us. (She
hands Maude the letter.)
MAUDE
Who is this lawyer anyway? I never heard Meredith mention
him. (Looking over the letter.) Have you actually met
with him?
AMANDA
(Taking back the letter.) No, this letter arrived by

messenger° I am not sure who he is. The letter says his
name is Mr. Oakridge. (The bell rings.) I’ll get that.
(Amanda exits still holding the frame.)

MAUDE
(Walks over to the pile of broken glass.) Where are

those children? (She yells out.) Michael
Maggie--what are you doing in there?
(Enter Joshua and Fran from the stage right staircase.)
JOSHUA
My God, Maude, do you have to shout like that. You make
enough noise to wake the dead°
FRAN
Please, Joshua, choose your words a little more carefully°

Hello, Maude, I see you are in good voice today.
MAUDE
Where are those damn children? Hello, Frano Don’t tell me
what to do, Joshua° (Shouting even louder.) Michael .
Maggie (Enter Michele from the kitchen°)
Michele, where is your husband°
MICHELE
(With broom, dust pan, and waste basket in hand.) He’s
is in the kitchen having a bite to eat.
MAUDE
That boy is always thinking of his stomach. Where is Maggie?
MICHELE
She’s. outside in the backyard. (Michele goes to the broken
mirror.)
MAUDE
Outside! (She runs towards the kitchen.) She knows that
she is not supposed to leave the house. What is wrong with
that stupid child? (Maude exits.)
JOSHUA
What happened here?

MICHELE
Picking up the pieces.) Maggie dropped a mirror .
we were rearranging the sun palor furniture for the wake°
FRAN
(Still shocked by grief.) Oh, my poor dear Meredith.

(Going to the bier°) I’m going to miss her so much. She
was my one and only true friend. So kind . so gentle
so generous to a fault o when will I see you again, my
~ear Meredith.
(Enter Amanda followed by the undertaker, a casket on a
rolling platform, six pall bearers, two at the casket, four
carrying a TV, a VCR, a stereo and speakers and assorted
floral arrangements°)
AMANDA
(With the mirror frame still in her hand.) Right this

way, gentlemen° Everything goes over there in the sun
palor. Oh, hello, Michele.
MICHELE
(Afraid of being accused.) Maggie dropped the mirror.

AMANDA
Yes, I know° Is everything okay with your room, Fran?
(Fran nods.) Joshua? (He nods as the men complete
their tasks°) Just move anything that is in your way
gentlemen.
JOSHUA
(Pointing to the electronics.) Amanda, what’s the TV
for?
AMANDA
I’m not sure° (She puts the frame down.) (To the
mortician.) Excuse me, sir,--mister o ?

QUIGLEY
Quigley Hubert Ho Quigley at your service, ma’mo

AMANDA
Mr. Quigley are you sure the tv and stereo are part of the
funeral arrangements.
QUIGLEY
(Taking a purchase order out of his vest pocket°) Most

certainly, ma’mo One TV with VCR and one stereo unit with
four speakers to be delivered with the deceased~ (He
shows her the order.)
JOSHUA
Are we supposed to watch TV and listen to music? .(To the

casket) Meredith, what do you have in store for us?
(Enter Michael eating the remains of is his sandwich
followed by Maggie trying to get away from Maude who is
pursuing and berating her.)
MAUDE
How could you leave the house?! You know that you are not
allowed to leave the house .
MAGGIE
Mother, we are not allowed to leave the premises. Going into

the backyard is not leaving the premises. Stop yelling at
me . I’m sorry, I apologize. (Maggie stops short when
she sees the others°) Hello, Fran . . . Joshua
Amanda (she notices Michelleo) Oh, Michele, here, let me
help you. (To Amanda) She is so clumsy that old mirror
just slipped through her hands.
AMANDA
Yes, I know. Mr. Quigley, is there enough room for

everything?

QUIGLEY
Yes, ma’m, everything fits just right. Except for his lampo
MICHAEL
I’ll get it. (Michele leaves Maggie with the broom and
basket and goes to unpiug the lamp.)
MAUDE
(Seeing Maggie fumbling with the basket.) Come on,

Maggie, let me help you clean this mess up. (Maude takes
the wastebasket.) (To the men.) Can I get you
gentlemen something to drink? (All the men look to
Quigley)
QUIGLEY
No, thank you ma’mo We o
MAUDE
Oh, don’t be silly° I can have a pot of coffee ready in a
jiffy. And maybe a few sandwichs too. Come along Maggie
give me a hand in the kitchen. (Maude and Maggie ~xit
before Quigley can decline the offer.)
MICHAEL
Where should I put this lamp?
AMANDA
Oh, I don’t know, Michael o ¯ how about down the cellar°

MICHAEL
Okay. (He slowly exits downstage right.)

MICHELE
(Picking up the items.) How about this frame and this

picture?
2 ACTS BY A.D. CAMERONE - Pg. i0

AMANDA
(Taking the mirror frame.) I’ll take this . o . the

picture can go in the cellar. (Michele and Michael exit.)
QUIGLEY
We surely appreciate your hospitality ma’m, but I am afraid

we cannot stay for coffee. Today has turned out to be quite
a busy day for our little funeral home, and we must rush
back. I will stop by tonight to make sure everything is
running smoothly.
AMANDA
Of course, Mr. Quigley, I understand. Thank you, gentlemen.

(the pall bearers file out.)
QUIGLEY
(As he exits.) Please feel free to call on me any hour
of the day or night. (He hands her his card.) We are at
your service, ma’m.
AMANDA
Thank you. You are very kind. Let me walk you out. (As
they exit.) There are a few questions I would like to ask
you. (Exit Amanda and Quigleyo)
FRAN
Joshua, what do you think of all this?

JOSHUA
(Fiddling around with the TV.) Wow, would you look at

this. This television has a vcr built right into the bottom
of it. (He looks at the back.) No wires hanging out°
This is something. What will .
FRAN
Joshua, are you listening to me?

JOSHUA
Huh? Sorry, Fran, what were you saying?
2 ACTS BY A.D. CAMERONE - Pg. ll

FRAN
I asked you what you think of all this.

JOSHUA
(Still preoccupied with the tv.) What do you mean?

FRAN
Well, here we are sequestered in this house attending a

three-day wake for our oldest and dearest friend. Meredith
never mentioned anything to indicate she wanted such
unorthodox funeral arrangements° What is the purpose of all
this? (She starts to cry°)
JOSHUA
I don’t know
FRAN
and what does Mrs° Stevenson mean when she said it

wasn’t her fault that Meredith is dead?
JOSHUA
(Going to comfort her.) It is okay my love. Mrs.
Stevenson is just distraught° Cry if you want to. I’mm
going to miss Meredith too. It is okay to feel sad that she
is gone°
FRAN
Oh my Meredith° Where did you go? Why did God take you from
us? What are you trying to tell us?
JOSHUA
Now my love, don’t upset yourself so. Meredith was a good

woman who lead a peaceful life. She is resting in peace now
with the Lord to comfort her. That is all we need to know.
(Enter Amanda holding a package.)
2 ACTS BY A.D. CAMERONE - Pgo 12

AMANDA
(Seeing Fran distraught.) Fran what’s wrong?

(She goes to her.)
FRAN
(She rises and is overcome with grief.) Oh, Amanda o

(She cries.) Amanda o (They embrace.)
JOSHUA
She’s a little confused and upset. A good cry will do her
good. She can’t seem to understand what’s happening here.
AMANDA
There . there ° now Fran . . It s okay. Everything

is going to be ~k~y. (Fran steps back and dr-ies her
eyes°) I’m confused too. I’m not sure what grandma had~
in mind when she set up this wake. This package just arrived
While I was talking to the mortician. (She looks at ito)
It’s from Mr. Oakridge, the lawyer. Let’s see what we
have here. (She peels off a letter attached to the outside
of the parcel.)
(Enter Maude and Maggie with a cart filled with coffee and
sandwiches°)
MAUDE
Coffee is ready! (Noticing the funeral men are gone.)
Oh dear where is everyone?
AMANDA
Mr. Quigley sends his apologies but he and the men were too
busy to stay for coffee. (She opens the letter that was
attached to the outside of the box and starts to read it.)
Hmm .

MAUDE
Oh, wello I’m sure we all could use a little refreshment.
Would you like a cup of coffee, Joshua? Everyone can help
themselves° (Maggie takes a cup and positions the cart so
that it is accessible to everyone.)
JOSHUA
Don’t mind if I do. How about you, Fran? coffee? (Fran
nods imperceptually and goes to the coffin°) (To
Maudeo) She is a little upset. (He goes to the
cart°) The sandwiches look good° (He tries one.)
Come to think of it, I didn’t have breakfast this morning.
(Enter Michael and Michele from the basement.)
MICHAEL
Boy, you should see the junk Aunt Meredith has stored’in that.
basement. Some of it looks like it is i00 years old.
(Noticing the food.) How nice coffee and
sandwiches° I’m still starving. (He prepares a plate for
himself; Michele follows suit. Everyone but Amanda and Fran
take from the food cart. Joshua makes a cup of coffee for
Fran and brings it over to her at the coffin.)
MAUDE
What’s in the package, Amanda? (sitting drinking coffee)
AMANDA
I’m not sure. I haven’t opened it yet. This is a letter

from the lawyer, Mr. Oakridge. He says he will be arriving
here late Friday afternoon. That’s today° Until then, he
sends his sympathies and this parcel.
MAUDE
Are you going to open it?
AMANDA
(Reading the outside of the parcel.) Oh, yes . . . of

courseo . (She opens it, and pulls out another letter
which s~e proceeds to open and read.) It’s another letter
from grandma. Let’s see . she sends her regards to

allo . o and here is a list of the contents of the

package--two video tapes which grandma prerecorded a few
months ago and five compact discs of her favorite music. Oh,
my o o . We are all to view tape one and await further
instructions. Well, that explains the TV, the VCR, and the
stereo.
MICHAEL
Let’s watch the tape now° Maybe it will give us a clue as to

what’s going on here°
AMANDA
Certainly, why not o . . are we all here? Oh dear, everyone

except Mrs. Stevenson. Michael, be a dear and run up to her
room. Tell her about the tape, and ask her to join us.
MICHAEL
I’m eating. Michele, do me a favor° Run up to the old lady

and tell her Aunt Meredith is on the TV.
MICHELE
(Places down her coffee and goes right to the task.) I
hope she answers her door. She wouldn’t open it this
morning. (Michele exits upstairs.)
AMANDA
(To a disappearing messenger.) It’s okay if she doesn’t

respond. Just tell her what we are doing° (Going toward
the VCR.) I do hope Mrs. Stevenson snaps out of it. (To
Maude.) Maybe I should call a doctor.
MAUDE
She’ll be all right. Let her sit in her room and grieve. At
least it is big enough to pace back and forth in. (Amanda
is fiddling around with the TV.) Do you know how to. work
that thing, Amanda? If not, Michael can help you.

MICHAEL
Not me, I’m all thumbs when it comes to VCR’s. Michele is

the electronics expert in the family. She’ll do ito I’ll
call her . Mi . . chele.
AMANDA
That’s not necessary, Michael° I already have everything all

set up. (She picks up the remote control.) As soon as
Michele returns with Mrs. Stevenson, we start. Fran, do you
feel up to watching this tape?
FRAN
Yes, I’ll be all right. (She hands the coffee cup to

Joshua, composes herself and sits down stoically.) I’m
fine.
MICHELE
(Coming down the stairs.) Well, I told her.
MAGGIE
Did she open the door?
MICHELE
Yes, and she’s quite a fright. She was only wearing a

nightshirt, and her hair is a mess. She kept pulling at it.
MICHAEL
Well, what did she say?
MICHELE
I’m not sure. She started wailing and beating her chest. I
think she’s quite overcome with grief. She just mumbled
something and closed the door. ’Joshua takes coffee during
this then sits next to Fran.)

AMANDA
Well, let’s leave her alone for now. I’ll go up and fill her
in on the details later. Have a seat, Michele, and I’ll
start the tape. (Michele takes her plate and sits.)
Now, let’s see how this remote works~ (She sits and starts
the tape.)
(Video monitors are downstage left and right facing the
audience. The TV monitor on stage shows the simultaneous
image. Meredith is seen and heard only on the videotape°)
MEREDITH
May the Lord lead us not into temptation and deliver us from
evilo Hello, my dear family and friends. If everything is
going according to the scheduled plan, you are all sitting in
the living room attending my wake. I realize these
circumstances may be a little unsettling for some_of you.
So, I would like to start by assuring you that everything I~
did, I did with full knowledge of the consequences and of my
own free will.
If everything is as I expect it to be, Amanda has received my
first letter informing her that she is the executrix of my
estate. You are in charge, Amanda. Be sure to follow my
instructions, dear.
I hope Mrs. Stevenson is all right. I fear I may have asked
too much of her when I planned for her to find my body. I’m
sure she’s locked herself in her room and refuses to come
out. Be gentle with her, Amanda. Try to explain to her why
I did what I did.
I’m also sure Fran is quite upset. Sorry, Franny, but I
didn’t let you know about my plans for this wake because I
didn’t want to burden you. I hope you and Joshua are
comfortable in your bedroom. Some of the treasures that I
have accumulated over the years are in that room and are now
yours to keep. Please don’t be angry with me, Frano Joshua,
I know you are a rock. Be strong for Fran.
I would also bet that my sister-in-law, Maude, must have made
coffee and sandwiches by now. I know Michaels is always
hungry. Maude, don’t you try to boss Mrs. Stevenson around.
She was a faithful housekeeper to me for 20 years° She is

now a guest, not a servant in my house° I hope you can

accept your attic bedroom accommodations. You can split the
contents of that room with Maggie. Likewise, Michele and
Michael, the contents of your attic bedroom are yours to
keep.
At this point in time I would like you all to retire to your
respective rooms. Please take an inventory of all the
objects in the room that you wish to keep° Meanwhile,
Amanda, please view tape two by yourself. No one is to view
tape two but Amanda° Thank you all0
(The tape and all monitors show a still picture of the
deceased. All sit quietly stunned°)
MAUDE
Well, I never would have expected something like this from
Meredith.
MICHAEL
Does this mean that my entire inheritance is only a couple of
pieces of old furniture.
MAGGIE
Oh, shut up, Michael. We haven’t even buried her yet°

MICHELE
I think it was nice of her to remember me.
MAUDE
(Rising from her seat°) Let’s not discuss this now,
children. It’s not the time or the place. Come on, now,
everyone upstairs. We have work to do, and Amanda needs some
privacy. (Maggie and Michele rise and begin to exit.
Michael remainssitting.) Michael--upstairs.
MICHAEL
(Rises and grabs more food before exiting.) I can,t
believe we are going through all these silly games for
nothing. (All start to exit except Amanda, Fran, and
Joshua.)

MAGGIE
Oh, shut up, Michael~
MICHAEL
You don’t understand. My room is practically empty. Just a
bed and some storage boxes. (Maude, Maggie, Michael, and
Michele all exit.)
(Fran sits silently staying at the TV monitor. Amanda
looks over to Joshua. Joshua looks back in awkward
silence°)
JOSHUA
Well, I guess we should give you some time by yourself.
(He rises and trys to catch Fran’s eye.) What do you
say, Frannle--let s go upstairs and lie down for a while.
FRAN
(Startled out of her trance.) What? Oh, yes, of course,

what did she mean . o . what did she mean by Mrs. Stevenson
finding her body? How did she know that? Why does she have
to explain what she did? What did she do? (Noone
answers.) Did she seem content? (No one answers.)
She wasn’t distraight or confused, was she?
JOSHUA
(Goes to her.) Come on, old girl, we’ll rest for half an
hour. It will do us both good. (Fran rises and starts to
exit stage right with Joshua.)
AMANDA
I’ll be right here if you need me, Joshua.

JOSHUA
(Over his shoulder.) Everything is just fine. Take your
time. Do what you have to do. We’ll be upstairs resting.
(They exit.)

AMANDA
(Sitting slightly disoriented, she hits the rewind button

absentmindedly.) Oh, dear . o 0 (The tape rewinds to
Meredith on tape ,o. o Amanda, please view tape two by
yourself. No one is to view tape two o o ." Amanda presses
the stop button.) Okay, grandma, we’ll do it your way.
Now where is tape two. I have to tell you, gram, I don’t
understand what you are doing. (She removes tape one and
inserts and starts tape two° She is standing in front of the
onstage TV monitor with her back to the audience.)
(As before, Meredith on tape only shown on all monitors.)
MEREDITH
Amanda, my love, I hope this tape finds you well. I

understand if you are hurt or confused by my actions. I am
going to have to ask you to have faith in me. Please feel
secure. You must believe that I would never do anything to.
hurt you or cause you pain. (Long pause as Meredith
collects her thoughts.)
Amanda, as executrix of this will you will have to make
certain decisions that may not be easy° Although my choice
of inheritors is limited, the administration of this estate
is not without problems. Most of my financial portfolio
except for a select few items, that will be distributed among
the family and friends, has been transferred directly to
you. While you have the legal right to liquidate these
assets, you will find that penalties and other unpleasantries
will make any liquidation during the following 18 months
quite unprofitable.
Let me say that I am sorry in advance for the way that I am
forcing my will upon you. Apologies like other nuisances are
poor payment indeed for causing a loved one hurt and pain.
Those apologies given in advance alert us to the impending
impositions and thus we get hurt twice° Once before, and
once after. I didn’t quite know how to communicate all this
information to you. For now, you must put up with my
controlling ways.
The past two years have brought many personal revelations to
me. I am afraid that my reaction to these free thinking
revelations are unorthodox and may seem or even be proven to
be dysfunctional. Either way, the previous arrangements of
2 ACTS BY A.D0 CAMERONE - Pgo 20

my will made many years ago when you were just a little girl
had to be changed°
YOU sees my dear Amanda, your dear old grannie did not die
from natural causes° If everything has gone according to my
plan, I have died as the result of a carefully planned
suicide. (Enter Mrs. Stevenson downstage left.)
(Mrs. Stevenson is seen at the foot of the stairs. She is

in the dishoveled state described previously by Michele. Her
wide-eyed off in the distance look could be interpreted as
menancing. She stands unseen by Amanda but seened by the
audience and she listens as Meredith continues on the
tape.)
Amanda, the right to take one’s life is not something I wish
to convince you of 0 Let me say that each individual must
decide by themselves whether or not to exercise that right.
No one person or circumstance should force or influence any
individual to take her lifeo That decision must come from.
your soul. I made my decision to take my own life without
any outside duress. I chose this course for myself and do
not want my actions to influence anyone else to do the same°
I am not apologizing for what I did, but I do want to explain
my actions to you.
Forget about what society might say about me. Tape three
documents what I really thought. Please view it after I am
buried.
For now, let me explain the method I used to end my life. If
you look under my bed, you will find a microwave oven. As
you know, my heartbeat has been quite erractic and several
years ago I had a pace maker installed. My method was quite
simple° During the last few weeks of my life, I had forgone
all my heart pills. The night I died I lay in bed and turned
the microwave on high. (Mrs. Stevenson makes her way out
to center stage, sees the TV and coffin, starts to cry
louder. Amanda notices her, is startled, and drops the
remote.) The rest is quite obvious. I hope you can cope
with these facts and not think any the less of me .
AMANDA
Mrs. Stevenson what’s wrong?

MRS. STEVENSON
I knew she was up to something . o . I didn’t know she was

dying, though o It wasn’t my fault 0
AMANDA
(Picks up the remote and stops the tape. She goes to
comfort Mrs° Stevenson.) It isn’t your fault, Mrs.
Stevenson.
MRS. STEVENSON
Yes, it is. I was the one who always put out her
medication. I knew she wasn’t taking her pills° I found
some in trashbasketo (She cries uncontrollably°)
AMANDA
Please don’t blame yourself. You didn’t do anything~

wrong it wasn’t your fault that grandma wanted to die.
MRS. STEVENSON
No, I should have called the doctor° I could have saved
her. (The front doorbell rings°)
AMANDA
Oh dear, who could that be? (To the door.) Who is it?
(No answer° The doorbell rings again.)
MRS° STEVENSON
Oh, God forgive me . o (pleading to Amanda) Miss
Amanda, you must belieSe me--it wasn’t my fault--I would
never do anything to hurt Mrs. Michaels. (The bell rings
again.)
AMANDA
(Rising to answer the bell.) I believe you . just

sit here and relax. Everythin~ is going to be all right°
(the bell rings again.) Let me see who is at the door.
(to the door) I’m coming. (She exits to answer the
door leaving Mrs. Stevenson alone with the coffin. Mrs.
2 ACTS BY AoDo CAMERONE - Pg. 22

Stevenson goes to the coffin and cries as she grieves the

loss of her friend°)
(Enter Amanda with Devon Oakridge.)
DEVON
I hope I haven’t come at an inopportune time, Miss Michaels.
AMANDA
Please call me Amanda. Actually I am relieved to see you~

Mr. Oakridgeo (She looks over to Mrs. Stevenson and loses
her train of thought.)
DEVON
Devon°
AMANDA
Devon?
DEVON
If I’m to call you Amanda, you must call me Devon.
AMANDA
Why Devon?
DEVON
Because it’s my first name.
AMANDA
Oh, yes, of course, Devon. It’s seems odd that grandma never
mentioned you. How long have you been my grandmother’s
attorney?

DEVON
Not very long. I only met Mrs. Michaels six months ago when
she walked into my office and asked me to assist her in
drawing up her last will and testament. (Mrs. Stevenson
continues to sob loudly.) Is she all right?
JOSHUA
(Appearing suddenly at the step.) Amanda, is everything

all right?
AMANDA
Actually, no . . . things are a little hectic. Would you be

a dear and take Mrs. Stevenson back upstairs. (She goes
over to retrieve Mrs. Stevenson from the coffin.)
JOSHUA
Certainly. (He looks at Devon.) Hi, I’m Joshua
Rothschild.
DEVON
Devon Oakridge. (He shakes hands.) Please to meet you.
(Joshua looks at Amanda still holding Devon’s hand.)
AMANDA
(Leading Mrs. Stevenson to Joshua.) Mr. Oakridge is

grandma’s attorney. Please stop crying Mrs. Stevenson. Go
along with Joshua, he’s going to help you up the steps. You
go up to your room and lie down. I wil! be up to see you in
a little while. (Joshua and Mrs. Stevenson exit.)
DEVON
She seems quite distraught.
AMANDA
She looks like I feel inside. I just finished viewing tape

two.
DEVON
Tape two?

AMANDA
Yes, tape two° You did draw up my grandmother’s will?

DEVON
Yes, I have the notorized version right here° (He pats his
briefcase.) It’s all signed and sealed~ That’s one of the
reasons why I came, to arrange when the will can be read to
the inheritors° May I ask if anyone is in that coffin?
AMANDA
Of course there is. Don’t you know about the wake?
DEVON
Mrs. Michaels wake?
AMANDA
Yes. Oh, God, this is becoming too bizarre°
DEVON
You mean Mrs° Michaels is being waked here at her home?
AMANDA
Yes. Weren’t the funeral arrangements part of the will?
DEVON
No. This is the first I’ve heard of them. Apparently,
Mrs. Michaels made these arrangements directly with the
undertaker.
AMANDA
Devon, are you aware of the contents of the videotapes?

DEVON
What video tapes?
2 ACTS BY AoD. CAMERONE - Pg0 25

AMANDA
The two tapes that you sent to me in the parcel° Did you
assist my grandmother in the production of those tapes?
DEVON
The answer is no to both questions, Mrs. Michaels personally

hand delivered certain envelopes and packages to my office
last month. Everything was sealed. I never opened any of
them, and I know nothing of their contents.
AMANDA
SO you never viewed the tapes?
DEVON
Araanda, I have no knowledge of any video tapes°- I have

forwarded one letter to you two days ago as per your.
grandmother’s instructions° There was also two parcels--one
small and one large. The larger parcel was to be delivered
today° I attached a cover letter to ito Did you receive
it?
AMANDA
Yes° It contained another letter from grandmotherand two

video tapes° What happened to the second parcel?
DEVON
Your grandmother left instructions for the second smaller
parcel to be delivered 12 hours after the first. Is there
something wrong?
AMANDA
I am not sure. Are you my lawyer now?

DEVON
If you want me to be, I am. If not, you can choose any one
you like to represent you. Is there something I should know,
Amanda? (The doorbell rings°)

AMANDA
Good, Lord, what next? (The bell rings again°) Excuse

me. (She goes to answer the door and Devon walks over to
the coffin.)
(Enter Amanda followed by the undertaker, Hubert Quigley;
the county coroner, George Bancroft; and homicide detective,
Walter Lippman.)
QUIGLEY
I’m terribly sorry, Miss Michaels, but we seem to have quite

a problem here°
BANCROFT
I’ll handle this, Quigley. You have done quite enough

already. Miss Michaels, did you arrange for the removal of
the deceased’s body from this house?
DEVON
Is there something wrong, gentlemen?
LIPPMAN
(To Amanda°) Who’s he?

AMANDA
My grandmother’s attorney.
QUIGLEY
I told you before, Dr. Bancroft, in the event of her dying at
home, the deceased prearranged for me to take her body
directly to the funeral parlor immediately after she diedo
LIPPMAN
Listen, Quigley, this is an official investigation. You are
not far from being charged with obstruction of justice.
(To Amanda) Did you call Quigley the night your
granmother died?

DEVON
Is Miss Michaels being charged with a crime?
LIPPMAN
Is this man your attorney, Miss Michaels?
AMANDA
He is now. As to your previous questions, no, gentlemen, I

did not call Mro Quigley. (Lippman and Devon square
off°) Please gentlemen can we all sit down and discuss
this calmly?
DEVON
Certainly, Amanda. It would be nice if I know who I was

taking to. Who are these men, Amanda?
AMANDA
(Pointing to each respective man as she reads off their

business cards.) Dr. George Bancroft, county coroner;
Lieutenant Walter Lippman, homicide detective; and Mr. Hubert
Quigley, funeral director. (To the group) GentleMen,
Mr. Devon Oakridge, Esquire.
LIPPMAN
Enough with the introductions. Miss Michaels, where were you
at the time of your grandmother’s death?
DEVON
Just a minute, Lieutenant Exactly what is the nature of this
investigation?
BANCROFT
Counselor, we are here to determine if Meredith Michaels died
from natural causes.
DEVON
What makes you think she didn’t?

LIPPMAN
The police have received an anomynous call from a woman

leading us to believe that she didn’t°
DEVON
What exactly did this woman say?

LIPPMAN
The call was rather confusing. The woman babbled something

to the effect that it was not her fault that Meredith
Michaels died. Then she hung up.
AMANDA
Mrs° Stevenson!
BANCROFT
Who is Mrs° Stevenson?

AMANDA
My grandmother’s housekeeper.
LIPPMAN
Do you know the whereabouts of this Mrs. Stevenson?

AMANDA
Yes, she lives here° She’s upstairs in her bedroom now.

BANCROFT
Do you think that we can talk to her ma’m.

AMANDA
There is no need to talk to her, doctor. I can tell you
everything you need to know. My grandmother died from a
suicide.

LIPPMAN
How do you know that, ma’m?
AMANDA
Grandma told meo
BANCROFT
You were here when Meredith Michaels died?

AMANDA
No, I was out of the state at the time.

LIPPMAN
Then when did your grandmother tell you about the suicide?
AMANDA
Just a few minutes ago°

.BANCROFT
How is that, Miss Michaels?

AMANDA
She left a video tape message for me. I had just finished
viewing it before you arrived°
BANCROFT
(To Quigley) You prepared a suicide for burial without

informing the coroner?
QUIGLEY
I had no idea that her death was not from natural causes.
BANCROFT
(Looking through a folder.) There isn’t even a death
certificate on the body. Why is that, Quigley?

QUIGLEY
Give me a break, Bancroft, I have a full house this week. I
had to prepare four bodies for burial in the last 48 hours.
You know the paperwork is always a few days behind.
BANCROFT
All I know is that we have a beareaucratic nightmare here°

Did you embalm the body?
QUIGLEY
No, the arrangements called for a closed casket. The body
hasn’t been embalmed. It’s just wrapped in linen.
BANCROFT
Lucky for you Quigley. Miss Michaels, I’m afraid I~m going
to have to confiscate the body. We will have to perform an.
autopsy to determine the exact cause of death.
AMANDA
The microwave killed her°

LIPPMAN
What?
AMANDA
My grandmother wore a pacemaker. She intentionally exposed

herself to microwave radiation. She commited suicide.
BANCROFT
(Rising) This is one for the books. We are going to
have to examine the body ma’m. Come on, Quigley, give me a
hand bringing in the stretcher. (Quigley and Bancroft
exit.)
LIPPMAN
Did Meredith Michaels leave much of an estate, ma’m?
2 ACTS BY AoD. CAMERONE - Pgo 31

AMANDA
I’m not sure of the exact value, Lieutenant, but it seems to

be a sizeable sum°
DEVON
The estate is valued at close to $1.5 million°
LIPPMAN
Are there many people named in the will, counselor?
DEVON
Eight people are named.
LIPPMAN
Is Mrs. Stevenson one of them?
DEVON
Yes, I believe so.

(Re-enter Bancroft and Quigley with a body bag and the
stretcher° They walk passed the group, go to the coffin,
take out the body, put it in the bag, put the bag on the
stretcher, and wheel it out. The coffin remains open and
empty on the bier.)
QUIGLEY
I can’t express how sorry I am about these circumstances,
Miss Michaels.
BANCROFT
Lippman, you tie up the loose ends here. stop by the morgue
later for the autospy results. Come on, Quigley, I am not
through with you yet. You have a few forms to fill out.
(They exit with the corpse.)

LIPPMAN
How can I get in touch with the other inheritors,
Mr. Oakridge?
AMANDA
Very easily, Lieutenant, they are all here in the house.

They are upstairs right now°
LIPPMAN
Do you think you could ask them to come down here? There are
a few questions that I would llke to ask them.
END ACT I
2 ACTS BY AoDo CAMERONE - Pg. 33

ACT II
It is early Saturday afternoon. We are in the downstairs
area of Meredith Michaels’s home. Everything is the same as
it was in Act Io The only addition is the microwave oven
which is clearly visible. The funeral bier still has the
coffin upon it and the other trappings are still about it.
The VCR and stereo are still in place. The coffin is open
and empty. The group of inheritors: Amanda, Michael,
Michele, Maggie, Maude, Fran, Joshua, and Mrs. Stevenson are
seated around the room. Devon Oakridge sits next to Amanda
and Detective Lippman stands in front of the coffin as he
questions the group.
LIPPMAN
Now, let’s go over this one more time
DEVON
Really, Lieutenant, your questions were thoroughlyanswered
last night. I see no reason for you to questions these
people again this morning.
LIPPMAN
(Holding the videotape.) I’ll be the judge of that.

There’s still plenty of this story that’s a little hazy.
Now, let me get this straight. (He puts the tape down and
pulls a pad out of his jacket pocket.) No one in this room
had any prior knowledge as to the intent of the deceased to
take her own life.
(All answer simultaneously)
Amanda: No I had no idea that grandma wanted to die.
Maude: She never said anything to me about it.
Michael: She never talked to me about anything.
Michele: I hadn’t spoken to her in nearly a year°
Maggie: I was surprised as anyone.
Fran: If she had told me, I would have tried to talk her
out of it.
2 ACTS BY A.Do CAMERONE - Pgo 34

Joshua: She never mentioned a word.

Mrs. Stevenson: It wasn’t my fault I couldn’t be
sure .
Devon: Mrs. Michaels never mentioned suicide to meo
LIPPMAN
(Righting furiously on the pad.) Okay . okay o

wait a minute, now. One at a time. One at a time. Mrs.
Stevenson--why did you place that call to the police
station? Was it because you felt guilty?
DEVON
You don’t have to answer that, Mrs. Stevenson. Don’t ask my
client leading questions, Lieutenant
LIPPMAN
Your client? Since when is she your client?
DEVON
As of last night, all these people are my clients.And I
won’t allow you to force them to incriminate themselves.
LIPPMAN
Is that so? And what about you? You area suspect
yourself--who is your lawyer?
DEVON
Me? Why am I a suspect? And just what are we suspected of?
LIPPMAN
The murder of Meredith Michaels. Now are you going to
cooperate with my investigation or do I have take the whole
lot of you downtown?

AMANDA
We have all agreed to answer your questions, Lieutenant We

have nothing to hide.
LIPPMAN
We’ll see about that. Mrs. Stevenson, you were the last one
to see Meredith Michaels alive. Did anyone in this room
visit this house on the day she died?
MRS. STEVENSON
Noo ¯ . no one visited. Mrs. Meredith saw very few people
these past few months° The Rothschild s were the last to
visit over a month ago° They were here for dinner.
LIPPMAN
No one came into the house? Are you sure about that?
MRS° STEVENSON
Yes, quite sure. For the last six months, Mrs. Michaels
would spend much of the time by herself. She would take long
walks in the morning; spend the afternoon reading in thesun
palor; have an early dinner and retire to her bedroom by
8:00 p.mo She was quite alone at the end° (Fran starts
crying.)
LIPPMAN
Mrs. Rothschild, when did you last see the deceased? (Fran
tries to answer but just sobs°)
JOSHUA
Just as Mrs° Stevenson says, Fran and I had dinner here with
Meredith last month.
LIPPMAN
Did she seem despondent or overly depressed?
JOSHUA
Do you mean Meredith or Fran?

LIPPMAN
The deceased° Did the deceased mention anything to indicate
that she was contemplating suicide?
FRAN
No,
she she
justwas just them
worked her old self.
through onMeredith was
herI- own . never
. . ifone to
I had
complain. If she had problems, she never spoke about them;
known . . what she was planning . would have tried to
talk her out of ito
LIPPMAN
I see. Did you know you were listed as an inheritor in her

will, Mrs° Rothschild°
FRAN
No, not really. We were very close and saw a lot of each
other. Meredith is in my willo I guess I took it for
granted that I was in hers.
DEVON
Lieutenant Lippman, all these questions seem quite
superfluous considering the information we have from the
video tapes. You viewed the tapes. Meredith Michaels
commited suicide. Why torture these people with your
infernal questioning?
LIPPMAN
Is that so, Counselor? That tape was made months ago° There
was no suicide note found. How do I know the deceased killed
herself?
DEVON
It seems to me everything points to an unassisted suicide.

You have the microwave, and the taped suicide note. All that
remains is for the medical examiner’s report to confirm the
cause of death.

LIPPMAN
What about tape three?
AMANDA
Tape three?
LIPPMAN
Yes, the accompanying letter mentioned a "tape three" yet
there was only two tapes in the parcel° Where is tape
three?
DEVON
(Goes to the parcel and looks inside.) Well, it’s not in

here. Amanda, how many tapes were in the parcel when you
opened it?
AMANDA
Just two tapes. But you are right, Lieutenant, the

accompanying letter does mention a third tape° (She pulls
the letter out of her pocket.)
LIPPMAN
Let me see that letter again (He takes the
letter°) Hmm
AMANDA
(To Devon.) Tape three must be in the other smaller
parcel.
LIPPMAN
How’s that?
DEVON
Another parcel should be delivered soon. Maybe tape three

will be in it.

MAUDE
Lieutenant, why would any of us want to kill my
sister-in-law? What reasons would we have?
LIPPMAN
I can count 1.5 million reasons. (To Maudeo) When did
you last see the deceased alive?
MAUDE
I’m not sure. It was at least several months ago~ We had
lunch here last Fall. Didn’t we, Maggie?
MAGGIE
Yes, just before Thanksgiving o o . I guess it was early
November. Actually, we really weren’t very" close,
Lieutenant We never visited much.
LIPPMAN
(To Maggie.) Did the deceased tell you about her will at
any time?
MAGGIE
No did she ever mention it to you, mother?

MAUDE
Not in so many words. I just assumed we would inherit

something seeing as the family was so small°
LIPPMAN
What about you, Michael?

MICHAEL
What about me?
LIPPMAN
When did you last see your aunt alive?

MICHAEL
I don’t even remember° Must have been at least a year ago°
(The doorbell rings°)
AMANDA
Excuse me, I’ll get that.

LIPPMAN
Mrs. Stevenson, did you know that Mrs. Michaels had placed
this microwave under her bed?
MRS° STEVENSON
I saw her bringing the box upstairs, and I heard the noise it
made, but I didn’t realize is was a microwave.
LIPPMAN
You knew that she had stopped taking her medicine, though?
MRS° STEVENSON
I saw some pills in the wastebasket. They were wrapped in a
tissue. When I asked her about them, Mrs° Meredith said that
had fallen on the floor so she threw them away°
LIPPMAN
You found the body? (Enter Amanda downstage left. She
stands by the doorway listening intently.)
MRS. STEVENSON
Yes.
LIPPMAN
Why did you go into the room?

MRS. STEVENSON
I always went to her room around ii:00 p.m. I would turn out
the light and just make sure she was asleep and all right.

LIPPMAN
Did you hear the microwave that night?
MRS° STEVENSON
I heard a noise, but I didn’t realize what it was°
LIPPMAN
What time was that?
MRS° STEVENSON
About i0:00 p.mo
LIPPMAN
How long did the "noise" last?
MRS. STEVENSON
For about an half hour° I think it stopped at 10:30.

LIPPMAN
Then what happened?
MRS° STEVENSON
Nothing°
LIPPMAN
Well, what did you do next?

MRS° STEVENSON
I got ready for bed and then at II:00 p.m. I went over to
Mrs. Meredith’s room as I usually do every night.
LIPPMAN
And what did you find there?

MRS° STEVENSON
Mrs. Meredith was laying in bed (She starts to sob.)
LIPPMAN
Was she dressed?

MRS° STEVENSON
She was wearing her nightgown°

LIPPMAN
What was she doing?
MRS. STEVENSON
~ She was just laying there with her eyes open.
LIPPMAN
Did she say anything to you?
MRS. STEVENSON
No, I thought she was awake so I asked her if I could get her
anything.
LIPPMAN
Did she respond?
MRS. STEVENSON
No o that’s when I noticed her mouth was opened o . I
rushed over to her and touched her arm .. she was
cold I shook her but she was llmp . . like a
doll I screamed aid ran to the telephone to call for
help.
LIPPMAN
Who did you call?
2 ACTS BY A.D0 CAMERONE - Pg. 42

MRS° STEVENSON
called 911 for an ambulance and after I hung up I saw the
note taped to the phone.
LIPPMAN
What note?
MRS° STEVENSON
It was a note from Mrs. Michaels.
LIPPMAN
Was it a suicide note? Where is it?
MRS. STEVENSON
No, it was addressed to meo All it said was,~
"Mrs o Stevenson, ca i i Mr. Quigley at 620-4349 immediately°"
(She hands Lippman the note~)
LIPPMAN
Didn’t you find it unusual o this note?
MRS° STEVENSON
Yes ¯
LIPPMAN
What did you do?
MRS. STEVENSON
I called Mr° Quigley.
LIPPMAN
What did you say to him?
MRS. STEVENSON
didn’t know what to say ° I was crying I think I

said something happened to Mrs. Michaels . . . she’s not

moving o . . something like that . o o I can’t remember
exactly what I said. . I heard the siren from the
ambulance, and I started to get confused. I think I told him
that Mrs. Michaels had left a note telling me to call him.
He said he would come right over and then I hung up and went
to let the medics in downstairs.
LIPPMAN
Didn’t you think it strange for Mrs. Michaels to leave you a
note telling you to call an undertaker?
MRS. STEVENSON
I didn’t know he was an undertaker. I didn’t know that
Mrs. Michaels killed herself. It wasn’t my fault . . . I
didn’t know. (She becomes hysterical.) It wasn’t my
fault Lieutenant.
DEVON
Leave her alone, Lippman. Can’t you see that she’s
distraught.
AMANDA
Never mind about Mrs. Stevenson, Lieutenant. Here’s the last
piece of the puzzle. (She throws a small parcel at
Lippman.) It’s probably tape three. (She goes to
comfort Mrs. Stevenson.) It’s okay, Mrs¯Stevenson, no one
is blaming you° Grandma never intended foryou to stop her°
She did what she did of her own free will. (To
Lippman.) That’s enough for now, sir. I’m taking Mrs.
Stevenson upstairs. Come on, dear.
FRAN
I’ll give you a hand, Amanda. (The three women exit.)

LIPPM~IN
(He examines the parcel.) Well, now ¯ what have we

here?
2 ACTS BY A~Do C~hMERONE - Pgo 44

DEVON
I wouldn’t open that package if it is not addressed to you,

Lieutenant.
LIPPMAN
Miss Michaels just gave me permission to do so, counselor.
DEVON
You should at least wait until she is present.
LIPPMAN
(Considering the consequences.) Okay, we’ll wait. (He
sits.)
MICHAEL
Mr. Oakridge, is it true that you knew nothing of my aunt’s
request for her to be waked here at her home?
DEVON
Yes, that’s true.
MICHAEL
So the will says nothing about our obligation to stay in the
house for three days?
DEVON
Nothing that I can remember.
MICHAEL
SO if we so choose, we can leave the premises at any time?

DEVON
(Picking up his briefcase and going through some
papers.) I assume you are referring to the various
communications Amanda has received. I believe the
instructions you mentioned were in the first letter. Let’s
see, now (Long pause as he reads.)

MICHAEL
Well, do we or don’t we have to stay?
DEVON
(Separating papers.) Of course, you are free to do
whatever you like, Michael o
MICHAEL
Yeh, sure, but what do I have to do to remain an inheritor?
DEVON
This is a little complicated. I have the last will and
testament of Meredith Michaels right here. It lists you as
an heir but makes no mention of the wake.
MICHAEL
Then I can go?
DEVON
It isn t that simple. Amanda, as executrix, has received two
letters and two video tapes, rather three video tapes from
her grandmother and all these items may be construed as
addenda to the will. You may be legally bound by any
instructions contained therein.
MICHAEL
Oh great what about the body?
DEVON
I’m not sure that I know that you mean?
MICHAEL
We were supposed to stay on the premises for the duration of
the wake. Seeing as the medical examiner has left with the
body, there is no wake°

DEVON
Yes, you could interpret the facts to conclude that to be
true. Sounds like something the probate judge would decide.
MICHAEL
Well, I’ll take my chances. (He rises.) I’ve had it up
to here with these silly games° I’m going out for a walk.
MAUDE
sit down, Michael, and stop acting like a child.
MICHAEL
I think it’s time I started thinking for myself, Mother°Do
you mind if I go for a walk, Lieutenant Lippman?
LIPPMAN
It’s okay by me. Just don’t leave town° (Michael starts
to exit°)
(Enter Amanda from upstairs°)
AMANDA
Where are you going, Michael?
MICHAEL
Out° (He leaves°)
AMANDA
What got into him?

MAUDE
Just the stress of the situation. He’s going for a walk to
cool off. He’ll be right back.
MICHELE
I hope this won’t affect his inheritance.

MAGGIE
Serves him right if he looses everything.
AMANDA
Let him go. I’m sure it won’t make any difference. Right,
Devon?
DEVON
I’m not sure. I guess if no one objects,there’s no harm

done. How’s Mrs. Stevenson?
AMANDA
We gave her one of Fran’s sleeping pills. Mrs° Stevenson

finally fell off to sleep° Fran took a pill herself; she
went to lie down too.
JOSHUA
Good Lord, the last time she took one of those pills she
slept for 12 hours. I’d better go up to check on her. That
is if you don’t need me for anything, Lieutenant.
LIPPMAN
Be my guest° In fact, I’m finished with all of you for now.

MAUDE
(Standing) In that case, I think I’ll go upstairs and
rest awhile myself. Maggie, come with me°
MAGGIE
Okay, mOmo Coming with us, Michele?
MICHELE
If it is okay with everyone, I’d rather stay here.
(Lippman shrugs. Maude and Maggie slowly make their
exit.)

AMANDA
Certainly, it’s okay.
LIPPMAN
I would like to see what’s in this package, Miss Michaels.
(He holds out the package.)
AMANDA
So would I. (She takes the package and opens it.) Let’s
see what we have here. (She takes off the wrapper and
holds up the video tape.) Iguess this is tape three.
LIPPMAN
I’d like to watch that tape, ma’m.
AMANDA
Certainly. Why not?
DEVON
You don’t have to do this, Amanda. You can view the tape by
yourself if you like.
AMANDA
No, Devon, let’s get this over with° Any one who wants to
watch is welcome. (She goes to the VCR and puts the tape
in.)
MAUDE
(Changing her mind°) Oh . in that case, maybe I will
stay. I have to admit that I am curious, sit down, Maggie.
(All sit down to view the tape.)
(Meredith on the video tape is shown on all monitors as
before.)
MEREDITH
Hello, Amanda. I hope everything is going according to
schedule. I often wondered if my plan would work out. If it

isn’t working, try to remain strong and think clearly° I

trust your judgment, so please feel free to make any
decisions that you may deem necessary°
The purpose of this tape is to provide you and the family
with some of my philosophical leanings° I hope it will be
enough to help you to understand my behavior.
Society, in the generic sense, is a means towards an end.
Anything society creates should be for the purpose of making
the individual’s time here on earth as comfortable and as
profitable as possible°
Religion, art, and government are three of the greatest
achievments of human culture. Religion is an avenue through
which the individual can comprehend the complexities of
reality° Art is anything that helps the individual evolve
through space and time. Government should be society’s way
of protecting the individual from being exploited by
~nscrupulous special interest groups. A special interest.
group can be formed whenever others try to force their will
upon their fellow citizens. Our revolutionary forefathers
used the constitution and the Bill of Rights as devices that
allow the individual to live within a social structure but
still remain autonomous° We here in America are blessed with
freedom of religion, freedom of speech, and the right to
pursue happiness.
The individual should never be sacrificed for the sake of
intangible morals or societal standards.
If you do not do harm to others, your actions should be of
your own free choice. A victimless crime is no crime at
all. Your life is your own to do with whatever you wish.
Farewell, my love, I will miss you and love you for
eternity. (A still picture of the deceased remains
silently on the monitors. All sit quitely, slightly stunned°
LIPPMAN
Well o what is that supposed to mean?
AF~ANDA
It means that grandma is gone, and there was no way to keep

her here any longer than she wanted to stay.

(Enter Michael.)
MICHAEL
Did I miss much?
MICHELE
Tape three. Aunt Meredith told us why.
MAUDE
More importantly, she said Amanda could make any decisions
that she sees fit. Amanda, don’t you think this charade has
gone on long enough. I certainly could use a good night’s
sleep in my own bed° Would it be okay if we all went home
for the night?
AMANDA
(Distracted, still thinking about the tape.) I’m sure it
would, Maudeo You can leave if you want to.
MICHAEL
Really?! Great, come on, Michele, let’s pack. ~The
telephone rings°)
AMANDA
(Sort of robot like, still preoccupied with the tape.)
Excuse me° (She goes to answer the phone.)
MAUDE
Then, that’s settled. Any legal problems in us leaving,
Mr. Oakridge?
DEVON
Not that I can foresee. -The only thing left is the reading
of the will.
2 ACTS BY AoD. CAMERONE - Pgo 51

AMANDA
It’s for you, Lieutenant. The medical examiner would like to

speak to you. (Lippman goes to the phone°)
MAGGIE
When can the will be read, Amanda?
AMANDA
The will? . Oh, I don’t know . I guess

MICHAEL
How about tomorrow morning?
AMANDA
sure . . tomorrow morning. Is that okay, Devon?
DEVON
Well, originally your grandmother’s schedule called for the
will be be read here at the house after the body was
interned. Wouldn’t you rather stay with that schedule if
possible?
AM~dqDA
Yes, maybe we should stay with grandmother’s schedule .

LIPPMAN
(Hanging up the phone°) Excuse me, Miss Michaels, the
medical examiner’s report confirms the information on tape
two° Meredith Michaels died from heart failure induced by an
electronic short in her pacemaker. The official cause of
death is being listed as an unassisted suicide. Dr. Bancroft
is willing to immediately release the body to you,
Miss Michaels. You can call the undertaker to make any
necessary arrangements.
AMANDA
Thank you, Lieutenant. (Long pause.) Is there anything
else you need from us.

LIPPMAN
Well o I would like copies of the videotapes for the
files.
DEVON
I’ll have copies forwarded to your office.
LIPPMAN
I would also like copies of all of the correspondence
Miss Michaels received from the deceased.
DEVON
I’ll include any pertinent letters with the video tapes°

LIPPMAN
(Awkwardly.) Then I guess that wraps it up. Sorry for

the inconvenience, ma’m. You have my sympathy on the loss of
your grandmother, Miss Michaels. Goodbye. (He exits.)
MAUDE
God, I am exhausted. I can’t wait to get back to my own
house. Michael, forget about packing. Let’s leave
everything here for now. Drive me home.
MICHAEL
What about the will? When are we going to read the will?
MAUDE
Amanda?
AMANDA
The will shall be read as planned tomorrow afteroon after we
all return from the cemetery° Everyone should be back here
by ii:00 aom. tomorrow.

MICHAEL
Okay° That’s fine with meo In that case, we might as well
leave everything here. Okay, mother? Ready, Maggie?
(Maggie nods.) Michele? (Michele stands still and
says nothing°)
(Simultaneously)
Michael: Goodbye, Amanda, see you tomorrow morning.
Maggie: Goodbye, Amanda, see you tomorrow morning°
Maude: Goodbye, Amanda, see you tomorrow morning°
(Maude and Maggie leave first° Michael looks at Micheleo
She remains motionless. He goes to her, grabs her hand, and
pulls her out behind him.)
MICHELE
(Reentering.) Thanks for everything, Amanda. I don’t
know how but I feel as if I’ve learned a lot about myself.I
wish that I could stay.
MICHAEL
(Off stage.) Come on, Michele, we don’t have all day°
(Michele exits.)
AMANDA
Oh my God, my head is spinning! My arm feels numb. What has
too be done next? (She starts to pace holding her arm.)
DEVON
Maybe we should call Quigley. Are you going to continue the
wake?
AMANDA
(Looking at the emply coffin.) Yes. Bring grandma
back. We can spend one more day at her wake° Devon, would
you call Mr. Quigley and make the arrangements?

DEVON
Sure~ Amanda . o o sit down and rest a bit. Would you like
to lle down for awhile?
AMANDA
NO ¯ I’m all right. You call Mr. Quigleyo Ask him to
bring grandma home as soon as possible° (Devon goes to the
phone°)
(Enter Michele.)
MICHELE
Amanda? I
AMANDA
Michele, is everything all right? I thought you lefto Did ¯
everyone come back?
MICHELE
No, they left. I decided not to go along° Amanda, can I

rent that attic room?
AMANDA
Rent a room? Don’t be silly. You can stay here for free,
Michele, as long as you like0 But what about Michael?
MICHELE
I’m not sure how I came to this decision, but I’ve decided to
leave Michael. I’m divorcing him.
AMANDA
What?!
DEVON
(Hanging up the phone.) Quigley says he’ll take care of
everything. He should be able to bring back the body
sometime tonight. What’s going on?

MICHELE
Mr~ Oakridge, do you handle divorces?
DEVON
Yes. Why?
MICHELE
Good. Will you handle mlne0
DEVON
You’re divorcing Michael? Isn’t this kind of sudden. What
happened?
MICHELE
I’m not sure what happened, but the more I think a~out it, .
the more I realize that I’ve wanted to divorce him for
years. I just never had the guts to say it. Now I do. Will
you handle the details?
DEVON
Yes, sure if that’s what you want.
MICHELE
Good. Then it’s all settled. That’s what I want. If you’ll
excuse me, i’d like to go up to my room. (She exits.)
DEVON
What do you think of that? She seemed so quiet and reserved
and obedient.
AMANDA
I can’t imagine what it was like for her to live with

Michael. Maude was always standing over their shoulders.
(She goes to the empty coffin.) Let him think about her
leaving him for a couple of days. It will do their
relationship good and maybe Michele will finally get a little
more respect and gratitude from her husband° What else did
Mr. Quigley say?

DEVON
Not much, he kept apologizing and assuring me that there was

nothing he could have done to stop the medical examiner’s
action.
AMANDA
Dr. Bancroft performed an autopsy on grandma,didn’t he?
DEVON
Yes, state law requires an autopsy for any unnatural death°
AMANDA
What exactly do they do when they autopsy a body?
DEVON
Let’s not talk about it, Amanda. You’ve had quite a time of"
it these past few days. Wouldn’t you rather rest for a few
hours while you have the chance?
AMANDA
Someone once told me they cut open your torso from your neck
to your groin. Then they pull out your vital organs. Is
that true, Devon?
DEVON
Please, Amanda, can we stay away from the gory details?
AMANDA
Is it true?!
DEVON
Yes, it is true. (Pause.) My God, your eyes are blood
red. When was the last time you slept?
AMANDA
I don’t know . . let’s see . . ~oday is Saturday, and

grandma died on Wednesay night. I arrlved here at the house

on Thursday evening wow 0 I haven’t slept since I

woke up Thursday morning° How many hours is that?
DEVON
About 64 hours. Aren’t you tired?
AMANDA
I don’t know if i am or I aren’t. Is that a word "aren’t"?
DEVON
Sounds like one. Do you feel all right?
AMANDA
I feel like I’m in limbo. I keep thinking Ishould do
something . but I’m not quite sure what I am supposed to
do. I wonder if I let my grandmother down?
DEVON
How so?
AMANDA
Grandma always made such a fuss over me. I would spend every
summer with her. Sometimes we would travel. Other times we
would just stay here at the house. My mom died when I was
only 17, and grandma did everything she could to fill the
void she left. Maybe I should have tried to do more for
her?
DEVON
What could you have done?
AMANDA
I could have spent more time with her after my dad passed
away.
DEVON
When did he die?

AMANDA
God, it will be two years this October° He was grandma’s

favorite, her youngest son° He was the last of her children
to gOo She only had two sons° Dad and Maude’s husband,
Richard. Richard died in a car crash right after the twins
were born°
DEVON
What twins?
AMANDA
Michael and Maggie.
DEVON
Michael and Maggie are twins?
AMANDA
Fraternal, of course o . 0 you would never know it. They act
the way they do because Maude always played them against each
other°
DEVON
Do you miss your dad?
AMANDA
Yes, I do. He died quite suddenly from a massive heart

attack. He wasn’t really illo It happened so quick ° ° I
still miss him very much ° I should have spent more time
with grandma.
DEVON
What did you do instead?
AMANDA
Well, I had just finished graduate school. I had my MBA and

I received a job offer that required a lot of travel° So I
took it° God, two years go by in the wink of an eye. Maybe
if I had stayed around, grandma wouldn’t have killed
herself.

DEVON
What did she say when you took the job?
AMANDA
She told me to "go for it". She thought the experience would
build my character° She said it would make a woman out of
me0
DEVON
It doesn’t sound as if your grandmother wanted you to stay
around and molly cottle her.
AMANDA
No0 now that I think about it o she didn’t. Devon,
what do you think about suicide?
DEVON
That depends° Do you mean my suicide or another person’s
suicide?
AMANDA
Is there a difference?
DEVON
Yes, there is.
AMANDA
Fair enough° Have you ever thought about committing
suicide?
DEVON
I suppose we all think about it at one point or another in
our lives.

AMANDA
DO you think that it was right for my grandmother to kill
herself?
DEVON
That’s a question that I will not try to answer, Amanda. The
only person who could have answered that questionis your
grandmother°
AMANDA
So it’s okay for a person to kill herself?
DEVON
It’s not that simple. It depends on the circumstances. I’m
not qualified to judge what’s right or wrong in this case°
AMANDA
Then who is qualified?
DEVON
Each individual has to make that judgment for themself and by
themselfo
AMANDA
So it is acceptable to you that my grandmother committed
suicide.
DEVON
It is acceptable to me, if it was acceptable to her. I won’t
place my value judgment on it.
AMANDA
No, neither will I. We can learn from the past, but I won’t
be ruled by it.
DEVON
Lack of sleep has forced you to wax philosophically, my
dear.

AMANDA
No, lack of sleep has made my eyes red and cleared some
questions in my soul.
DEVON
Your eyes may be red, but they still sparkle like the stars.
You are very beautiful, Amanda.
AMANDA
Thank you, sir. (They come face to face, look into each
other’s eyes, she subtlely offers her lips. He kisses
her.) Devon, would you commit suicide?
DEVON
At this point in my life, I would have to say no.
AMANDA
Why?
DEVON
The way I figure it, if you wait long enough, it will happen
to you. Sooner or later you die°
AMANDA
Yes, I suppose so. (The bell rings.) Oh, Lord, who do
you think that is?
DEVON
(Looking at his watch°) Could be Mr° Quigley. Should I
answer it?
AMANDA
No, I’ll get it0 (She exits.)
(Devon goes to the coffin. Re-enter Amanda, followed by
Mro Quigley, eto al. with another coffin on a platform with
wheels.)

QUIGLEY
This won’t take but a minute, Miss Michaelso I hope we
haven’t come at an inopportune time.
AMANDA
No, Mr. Quigley, we were waiting for you° Take your time and
do whatever you have to do0 (She slumps into a chair.)
(Quigley motions to the men° They work quietly and
quickly. They take the coffin to the empty casket in the sun
palor; take out the body wrapped in a white shroud; and place
it in the coffin on the bier. They close the coffin and
straighten up the floral arrangements.)
QUIGLEY
Have you decided on the time of the internment?
AMANDA
The burial will take place as scheduled tomorrow afternoon.
Are there any other details that need attending to?
QUIGLEY
No. Your grandmother took care of everything months ago°
She has quite a nice spot waiting for her in the mausoleum.
How many limousines will you require?
AMANDA
How many did my grandmother order?

QUIGLEY
She ordered three, ma’m0
AMANDA
Then send three. Do everything exactly as my grandmother
planned.

QUIGLEY
Certainly. (The men have finished their task°) Then,
I’ll return tomorrow afternoon as we planned?
AMANDA
Yes tomorrow as planned°
QUIGLEY
Well, I guess I’ll say goodnighto May I apologize one more
time for what has happened, Miss Michaels.
AMANDA
There is no need to apologize, Mr. Quigley. You’ve done a
find job under adverse circumstances. I’m sure grandma would
be satisfied°
QUIGLEY
Then, I’ll say goodnighto No need to show us out. See you

tomorrow. (They exit.)
AMANDA
Good night, Mr. Quigley. Thank you, gentlemen. (She
wanders aimlessly about the room and idly picks up the VCR
remote control. She fingers the remote and gravitates toward
the coffin°)
DEVON
Would you like to be alone, Amanda?
AMANDA
NO o please stay and keep me company°

DEVON
Sure. (He goes to her and stands next to her in front the
coffin. He puts his arm over her shoulder. She puts her arm
around his waist and places her head on his shoulder.)

AMANDA
Sure am going to miss you, gram. (She presses a button on
the remote and the video tape begins to play.)
(Lights dim leaving a spotlight on the couple and one on
the coffin. Meredith Mlchael s face comes up on all three
video monitors as the tape plays.)
THE END

Camerone Apologies and Other Nuisances

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A PLAY IN TWO ACTS

CAUTION: Professionals and amateurs are hereby warned

APOLOGIES AND OTHER NUISANCES is slightly

Royalty of the required amount must be paid

Copying from this book in whole or in part is

Whenever the play is produced, the following

AMANDA MICHAELS Meredith’s Granddaughter and Executrix

MEREDITH MICHAELS The Deceased (Seen only on videotape)

MAUDE MICHAELS Meredith’s Widowed Sister-in-Law

MICHAEL MICHAELS Maude’s Son

MICHELE MICHAELS Michael’s Wife

MAGGIE MICHAELS Maude’s Daughter

DEVON OAKRIDGE The Attorney

FRAN ROTHSCHILD Meredith’s Life-long Friend

JOSHUA ROTHSCHILD Fran’s Husband

MRS. STEVENSON Meredith’s longtime live-in housekeeper

HUBERT H. QUIGLEY Mortician

DR. GEORGE BANCROFT County Coroner

DETo WALTER LIPPMAN Homicide Detective

For the full interior of MEREDITH MICHAELS’S Victorian

(As she brings the painting to Maude.) Oh, God, this is

2 ACTS BY A.D. CAMERONE - Pg. 1

2 ACTS BY AoD. CAMERONE - Pg. 2

I think finding Aunt Meredith dead was too much of a shock

Mother, you know I like to take a walk every morning.

2 ACTS BY A.D~ CAMERONE - Pg. 3

2 ACTS BY A.Do CAMERONE - Pg. 4

Oh dear . 0 it was grandma’s favorite. (She bends down

Accidents will happen. Are Fran and Joshua all settled in

Yes, as per Grandma’s instructions, the Rothschilds-will be

I do hope Mrs. Stevenson is all right. She still refuses to

I am afraid that would be up to Mrs. Stevenson. I’ve told

2 ACTS BY A.D. CAMERONE - Pg. 5

I’m not at liberty to start changing things, Aunt Maude.

(Taking back the letter.) No, this letter arrived by

2 ACTS BY A.D. CAMERONE - Pg. 6

(Walks over to the pile of broken glass.) Where are

Please, Joshua, choose your words a little more carefully°

2 ACTS BY A.D. CAMERONE - Pg. 7

(Still shocked by grief.) Oh, my poor dear Meredith.

(With the mirror frame still in her hand.) Right this

(Afraid of being accused.) Maggie dropped the mirror.

2 ACTS BY A.D. CAMERONE - Pg. 8

Quigley Hubert Ho Quigley at your service, ma’mo

(Taking a purchase order out of his vest pocket°) Most

Are we supposed to watch TV and listen to music? .(To the

Mother, we are not allowed to leave the premises. Going into

Yes, I know. Mr. Quigley, is there enough room for

2 ACTS BY A.Do CAMERONE - Pg. 9

(Seeing Maggie fumbling with the basket.) Come on,

Oh, I don’t know, Michael o ¯ how about down the cellar°

Okay. (He slowly exits downstage right.)

(Picking up the items.) How about this frame and this

2 ACTS BY A.D. CAMERONE - Pg. i0

(Taking the mirror frame.) I’ll take this . o . the

We surely appreciate your hospitality ma’m, but I am afraid

Of course, Mr. Quigley, I understand. Thank you, gentlemen.

Joshua, what do you think of all this?

(Fiddling around with the TV.) Wow, would you look at

Joshua, are you listening to me?

Huh? Sorry, Fran, what were you saying?

2 ACTS BY A.D. CAMERONE - Pg. ll

I asked you what you think of all this.

(Still preoccupied with the tv.) What do you mean?