Kimmy Gets Fired!

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt:
"Kimmy Gets Fired!"

ACT I
FADE IN:
INT. THE VOORHEES HOME - MORNING
KIMMY and TITUS watch "Making A Jaywalker: A Webwatchers

Original." The title card pops up on JACQUELINEs TV as an
omniscient Jaywalker Series Anthem (a la The X-Files)
plays. A menacing TV VOICE OVER guides a dramatic montage of
sneakers stepping off of curbs.
TV VOICE OVER
Coming up, over the next 12 hours:
A lengthy look back on Kerbis
Quinneys history as a common
pedestrian. Who sold him those
tongueless boots? Will Old Man
Werewolf testify against the
Sidewalk Commissioners of
Croniecrook County and will the
defense finally find...THEIR
STRIDE???
TITUS
Dear Lord Oprah, give us a sign.
You know, Kimmy, I should apologize
for any stress I summoned during
your trial...
KIMMY
Aw, Titus!
TITUS
...because that was childs play
compared to this. I barely even
remember what happened. It had to
do with pirates, right?
KIMMY
Do you think Mr. Kerbis Quinney
actually jaywalked? My mind says
"yes" but if I learned anything
from Goosebumps, its that you
never know whats in store.
Although, more often than not, its
the disembodied hand of a gypsy
that has a thing or two to say
about growing up.
TITUS rolls his eyes as he fiddles with his smart phone.
"Kimmy Gets Fired!" - Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt 2.
TITUS
Kimberly, dont you know the rule
of dramatic tension? If jaywalkin
be in the title, there best be some
jaywalkin.
KIMMY
I thought you said the dramatic
rule was to always ventilate your
Spanx?
TITUS
Never speak of that again.
KIMMY
Even if Mr. Kerbis Quinney DID step
off the curb before the signal, I
feel bad for him. I mean, hes more
than paid for it. Full-time
frowning is hard work! Thats why I
choose to smile all the time, even
though that one fortune cookie told
me I was going to die!
TITUS
Well, for what its worth, you
inspire me.
KIMMY
Aw,Titus!
TITUS puts his phone down for the briefest moment.
TITUS
Oh no, I was talking to my
"Jaywalker" mobile stream-chat
friends, and by "friends," I mean
house arrest parolees that pay for
human contact. During the last
episode, our resident prankster
finally found the strength to stop
hoarding apocalyptic weaponry.
TITUS lights up and stares into his phone.
TITUS
Turn those "cants" into "cans,"
Salerno!
TV credits wrap. TITUS and KIMMY tune back in for a teaser.
TV VOICE OVER
Coming up...a lengthy look at the
Croniecrook Precinct
Refrigerator...but first! A sneak
peak of the newest Webwatchers
Original: A Mime Made Me Do It.
A silent black and white trailer rolls as KIMMY pushes on.
KIMMY
Gosh, grownup-ing just gets harder
and harder. You know, I thought
after the trial things would
lighten up, but theres still so
much disaster in the world. I mean,
just the other day, I put a Hot
Pocket in the microwave for a
minute and a half like it said and
when I took a bite, the whole
inside was still frozen. Then I
realized it was actually just a
medical ice pack. Again!
TITUS
Thats why youve gotta toughen up,
Kimmy. Roll with the punches,
youve got the power. If Ive
learned anything as an upcoming
global sensation, its that you
cant let nobody or no pastry tell
you what to do. You just keep doing
you, for better or worse, and in no
time, everybody else will be
basking in your glow of glitter
shellac and Chicken Soup For The
Soul blurbs.
KIMMY
Double yeah! From now on, Im
kicking butt and taking names!...so
that I can send apologies, because
violence is never the answer. BUT,
Im only sealing every OTHER
envelope with a sticker, because
Ive got to look out for me! No
more Ms. Wide-Eyed-Victim, world!
JACQUELINE passes through, draped in her satin robe. "FORMER

MRS. VOORHEES" is delicately embroidered across the back.
She carries a single piece of mail by the corner.
JACQUELINE
Kimberly, the khaki man dropped off
"a special offer just for you."
KIMMY
Just for me?! Wow! No more Ms.
Bad-Mood-Monster, world! Looks like
that magic eight ball was right -
You DONT need to be sick to
"Make-A-Wish" after all!
Jaywalker Series Anthem mysteriously interrupts.

TV VOICE OVER
...Or DO you...?
The TV glows as KIMMY dramatically looks to TITUS who looks
to a discarded Hot Pocket sleeve. KIMMY lets out a single
cough.
TITUS whispers into his phone.
TITUS
Its upon us, Salerno. Ready the
hatchets.
Jaywalker Series Anthem cuts out. KIMMY returns to her piece
of mail.
KIMMY
Holy cow! Ive been pre-approved
for a credit card! Looks like
adding "Ms." to my Joey Lawrence
Fan Club I.D. is FINALLY paying
off!
TITUS
Things is looking up! With the
right limit, you could finally get
permanent freckles!
KIMMY nervously massages her face.

KIMMY
JACQUELINE passes through once more. She carries a tub that

reads EMPATHY OIL with a spoon sticking out.
JACQUELINE
Did I hear the rattle of
skin-on-APR in here? You know,
Kimmy, if Ive learned anything as
(MORE)
JACQUELINE (contd)
a current global sensation, its
that credit cards are not toys.
Thats why we have guns.
KIMMY
Huh. I guess that makes sense!
JACQUELINE
...But credit cards are great for,
well, emergencies.
KIMMY
Like what?
JACQUELINE
Oh, I dont know. Dislocations, Hex
reversals. Blood diamond
subscription box fees.
KIMMY
Oh!
JACQUELINE
..Or maybe you could finally change
the message on your light
booties...
KIMMY nervously rocks back and forth. Her feet blink "HELP"
in neon greens and blues.
JACQUELINE
...OR you could buy one of those
tiny houses that poor people seem
to pretend to enjoy!
KIMMY
But I already have an apartment!
JACQUELINE
Well, not for long!
KIMMY
Why not?!
JACQUELINE
Because youre fired!
KIMMY
Oh! Well I...wait...rewind...push
play...fired?! Eject tape! Eject!
JACQUELINE
Oh, dear lord, Im sorry, did I say
youre fired? I didnt mean to say
that.
KIMMY
Thank GOSH.
JACQUELINE
Id never say anything like that.
I meant to have the khaki man
deliver official notice in writing
tomorrow!
TITUS
Are you talking about the mailman?
JACQUELINE
Is there a female man we are to be
expecting?
KIMMY
Fired?! But I need this job!
And...well... my mail sometimes
comes here!
JACQUELINE
Dont be so sure.
KIMMY checks her credit card envelope. It is addressed to
"ANYBODY, WHATEVER."
KIMMY
But Ive been so supportive! I
wrote you letters in South Dakota
and I watched the house until you
returned in a frenzied panic. AND
remember when I cleaned that ghost
out of the linen closet, even after
it transitioned into a plastic bag
that just looked like a ghost?
JACQUELINE (TERRIFIED)
KIMMY
Plus, my jelly bracelets are
finally making themselves
comfortable!
CUT TO:
Three jelly bracelets in a tiny bed with a tiny bag of
popcorn between them.
Jaywalker Series Anthem starts up again

TV VOICE OVER
...Or ARE they?
CUT TO:
A tiny knife replaces the jelly bracelets popcorn bag.

KIMMY (WHISPERING)
Is this getting weird for anybody
else?
TITUS (WHISPERING)
Salerno, draw the lifeboats.
JACQUELINE shoots the TV a look. Jaywalker Series Anthem
immediately fades out.
JACQUELINE
Kimberly, dont make me show
concern on a peel recovery day.
Believe me, its nothing personal;
Im simply asking you, personally,
to leave. I cant afford this life
anymore! First the divorce, then
the move and the move back, and
then that Native American Hand
Broom investment? Its simply time
for separate checks.
KIMMY
But...can I still come back and
visit?
JACQUELINE
Of course! Just let my
court-appointed stalker, Marzipan,
know and well schedule something
during a time Im away or in
hiding. Itll be somewhere between
terrible and terrible-ish, Kimmy!
Besides, Ill finally learn how to
fend for myself, like the women on
DATELINE do after their husbands
try to put coolant in their
toothpaste! And you can fend
for...what is it called when its
not myself?
KIMMY
But what if I just...use the
bathroom less, or...or we turn the
(MORE)
KIMMY (contd)
Internet down and just use
encyclopedias?
TITUS passes by in a subtle whisper.
TITUS
Do not ruin this stream for me. I
took two buses to abuse this
connection.
JACQUELINE
Im very close to what you call
sorry, Kimberly, but with Buckleys
therapy camp tuition and my hybrid
poodlecoon, Daniel Bone, to feed, I
have to choose my resources wisely,
and, when it comes down to it, its
either you or my sneeze predictor.
CUT TO:
RAPHAEL, a toaster-esque unit, who lights up in the kitchen.

He wears a magnetic bow tie and speaks with a smooth British
accent.
RAPHAEL
All clear, Jacqueline.
JACQUELINE
Thank you, Raphael.
KIMMY
But who will tell me when to be
moderately angry? And who will make
you lunch and watch you eat it or
stand in the rain for your
entertainment?
RAPHAEL
Dont listen to her, Jacqueline.
She knows not what its like to be
abandoned by a set of abusive
Coinstars.
JACQUELINE
My machine has spoken, Kimberly.
Daniel Bone, please, a kind exit.
CUT TO:
DANIEL BONE, a poodle wearing a coonskin cap, paws a banjo

on the floor. KIMMY and TITUS exit.
JACQUELINE
Pull it together, Jacqueline. Woman
is the strongest land mammal.
T.V. VOICE OVER
...Or IS it?
Jaywalker Series Anthem builds as JACQUELINE looks to DANIEL
BONE who looks to JACQUELINE.
EXT. TIMES SQUARE
TITUS guides KIMMY on a consolation walk.

TITUS
...And that sewer over there is
where I usually scream at rats
right after Im fired, and up the
street is a newsstand I once used
to distribute my suicide dream
boards...
A HECKLER interrupts the sentimentality.
HECKLER
Hey, Loser! Loser, right here!
Loser!
TITUS
Do you hear that or is that just my
biological clock?
TITUS and KIMMY take a pause and spot a marquee down the
street. It reads "LOSER: THE KERBIS QUINNEY STORY."
TITUS
But the whole series just debuted
today...
HECKLER
Word travels fast on The Great
White Way.
HECKLER points to a small adjacent theater. The marquee
reads THE FIRING OF KIMMY SCHMIDT: THE MUSICAL."
TITUS and KIMMY continue on.

KIMMY
Whats the point, Titus. Right now,
I should be drawing a bath of
conditioning aioli, and now Im
just another nameless aimless,
(MORE)
KIMMY (contd)
wasting my energy on an amateur
frown.
TITUS
Whatd I tell you? Youve got to
thrive in your own sunlight, Kimmy
Schmidt! Who needs aioli anyway? Or
poodlecoons or...couch space..or
high speed streaming
capabilities...oOH Kimberly, can we
please go back and beg some more?!
My weekends are too tender to be
spent with the lower-lower-middle
class! I cant pretend any longer!
TITUS reveals his phone. On the screen, he has fashioned a
hand-drawn video chat with masking tape and crayon.
KIMMY
We cant just go back! And you know
what, youre right! Who says we
cant make it on our own? Who says
that this isnt the exact moment
weve been waiting for? Maybe
somebody will FINALLY hire me as a
Precious Moments model or an ice
cream tester or a doorstop!
KIMMY dramatically sticks her foot out. Her sneakers light

up in blues and greens. A TIMES SQUARE ELMO takes a
suspicious photo.
TITUS
You can tip, you know.
TIMES SQUARE ELMO takes off in a mad dash.
KIMMY
It cant be that hard to find
something just above awful. I mean,
maybe Ill find someone who
appreciates me for me. And you can
finally take the time to recover
from...well...all of the terrible
things that happened to make you
who you are today!
TITUS
I suppose that wax museum Lionel
Richie has dropped the restraining
order by now...
KIMMY
And we can both thrive in ways
weve only imagined! You and me and
even Former Mrs. Voorhees. We just
have to keep moving an--
KIMMY stops in her tracks.

KIMMY
Do you smell that? That burning? Or
is it baking?
TITUS
Oh, no no, theres a Scientology
hub across the way. Thats just the
smell of dreams being forgotten.
KIMMY
No, this is more of a...well ALMOST
like a...wait...could it
really...could it be?
KIMMYs nose twitches. Her fingers tremble. Her eyes widen.
KIMMY
Is that a $12 fountain soda I hear
settling or am I...? IS IT? ARE WE
BELOW--
KIMMY turns her gaze upwards. Directly above, an awning

flutters and a sign glows: "THANK GOD ITS THURSDAYS."
KIMMY
Sweet Cheez-Its!! It was never this
big in my dreams!
KIMMY yanks a firmly planted TITUS.

KIMMY
Come on!
TITUS
Kimberly, if you think Im setting
foot in that camp-stamped
cringeteria, you best be thinking
again.
KIMMY
But its a sign! This is what weve
been waiting for! Padded booths,
automatic hand dryers, a guy named
Chip with an effortless hairdo!
These are our people, Titus! Gosh,
(MORE)
KIMMY (contd)
I know it like the back of my
Caboodle. Every time wed play
Girls Night in the bunker, wed
only eat at TGITs. Even though
service was a little testy...
BEGIN FLASHBACK:
INT. THE BUNKER

CYNDEE pretends to peel tomatoes off of an invisible dish as
GRETCHEN reads an invisible bill.
GRETCHEN
$49? For two Sprites and a
quesadilla salad?!
CYNDEE
Dont even tip. I said NO
tomatoes...
KIMMY interrupts, wielding an invisible tray.

KIMMY
Pay up, or face my manager!
CUT TO:
A sack of potatoes slouched in the corner. It wears a
mustache, a tie, and a black marker grimace.
KIMMY
And dont even think about playing
it cheap. Ive got a drivers
license bill to pay.
KIMMY turns away with a smug smile.
END FLASHBACK.
EXT. THANK GOD ITS THURSDAYS
KIMMY continues to balance her imaginary tray on the Times
Square sidewalk.
KIMMY
Elbows up. Chin high. Gosh, Im
practically natural. Do you think
theyd let me be on the billboard
if I served enough pizzookies?
Titus? Titus?
TITUS reappears down the block, making a deal with HECKLER.
TITUS
Enjoy yourself, Kimberly! Ill see
you in 3 to 4 hours, depending on
the rate of choreographed legal
proceedings!
KIMMY winces as he disappears. She takes a deep breath and

amps herself up.
KIMMY
I am blurb-worthy, I am
blurb-worthy, I am...
INT. THANK GOD ITS THURSDAYS
KIMMY carries her tray up to the hosts podium where General
Manager BAILON sorts a bucket of forks into two piles.
BAILON
...used...used...used...eh,
clean...clean enough...used...
BAILON blindly hands KIMMY a menu.
BAILON
Table for one, pick a seat any
seat. Unless youre here to nap in
the restroom. Then hold on, let me
grab one of the waterproof menus...
KIMMY
Oh, no, Im actually here to apply
for a job!
BAILON
Youre hired! When can you start?
KIMMY
You mean you dont want to ask me
anything? Is my tray arm that good?
BAILON
Well, uh, do you have any pending
warrants?
KIMMY
No, that was last season. At least,
I dont think so. Wait, did you say
warrants or warts?
BAILON
Any babies, inside or out?
KIMMY
Do Beanies count?
BAILON
If you had to appear on a billboard
for pizzookies, would you be
willing and able?
KIMMY (WHISPERING)
Like nobodys business.
BAILON
Well, then, welcome to the team...
BAILON blankly stairs directly at KIMMYs chest.
KIMMY
...Oh! Kimmy! Im Kimmy Schmidt.
BAILON
Kimmy. Is that long for Kim?
KIMMY
Well, yea. I guess it is!
Whats..."Bailon" long for?
BAILON
Nothing. I mean, I long for a lot
but my therapist says not to talk
about it.
KIMMY
Right, sorry. Please dont fire me.
BAILON leads KIMMY on a tour of the dining room.
BAILON
Relax, its virtually impossible to
get fired round here. TGITs is a
lot more chill than the other guys.
And to think, were only a day off.
BAILON and KIMMY stop and look out a wall of windows. A

marquee blinks down the street: "WOW! ITS WEDNESDAY."
BAILON
We get it. You have cloth napkins.
As BAILON AND KIMMY gaze on, a sleepy-eyed twenty something,
CHIP, interrupts from the bar. He has a guitar strapped to
his back.
CHIP
Bailon, is it cool if I swap olives
in for cherries for a while?
BAILON
Leave me a note on the kitchen
whiteboard and Ill get back to
you. But in the meantime, yes
definitely, whatever. Oh, but
first, Chip, Kimmy, Kimmy, Chip.
Chips our
Waiter-Slash-Bouncer-Slash-Mixologist.
CHIP (FINGERS CROSSED)
Degree pending!
KIMMY
Awesome! Have you heard about
Appletinis? I saw them on HBO once.
AFTER 10:00 pm.
CHIP
Righteous! Although, I dont like
to typically mix my fruits and my
liquors. My therapist says its
probably better that way.
CHIP freezes mid-thought. BAILON leads KIMMY away in the

silence.
BAILON
So...I guess all thats left is
your starter flair pin, and your
brunch tray, and, oh, let me show
you the staff-only crying corner...
KIMMY hangs back a step and indulges in a fantasy twirl.
KIMMY
Welcome to the new Kimmy, world!
ACT II
INT. THE VOORHEES HOME - NOON

JACQUELINE reads a handwritten to-do list in bed. She
crosses each item off - except for #2.
#1. Take mid-morning nap
#2. Wake self up

#3. Think one spiteful thought
#4. Replace Brita kidney filters

JACQUELINE
Not so bad for a first attempt.
Thank you for your help, Marzipan,
you may take your alarm gong with
you.
MARZIPAN, a small Asian man, departs by climbing out of the
bedroom window. JACQUELINE goes to shut the window, but,
before she reaches it, a small WINDOW BIRD flutters in,
clears the room, and heads downstairs. JACQUELINE anxiously
follows.
JACQUELINE
Marzipan? Police? Someone with an
intimidating jaw line? Can
someone--
JACQUELINE enters the kitchen, following the sound of a
flutter. A window is cracked open. WINDOW BIRD is gone.
JACQUELINE
Right, very well. Kimberly! Can you
delicately mist each room with a
bottle from the Evian vault, and---
JACQUELINE stops mid-phrase.

JACQUELINE
Right, the firing. I suppose
thats...right.
JACQUELIN spots Kimmys jelly bracelets on their bed. They

are arranged around a tiny picture of Kimmy. Sentimentality
sinks in. JACQUELINE fiddles with her eyelashes.
JACQUELINE
Raphael, do you sense anything on
the horizon?
RAPHAEL
Nothing to my knowledge,
Jacqueline.
JACQUELINE
Very well. Perhaps it was
just...something in my cornea
diamond. Remind me to call my
implant specialist and--
WINDOW BIRD suddenly darts out of the pantry and swoops

around a panicked JACQUELINE.
JACQUELINE
Stay away from me, wing demon!! I
may be one, but I am lined in pure
satin!!
WINDOW BIRD continues to swoop before retreating to a

ceiling ledge. JACQUELINE makes a brief exit into the TV
lounge and begins to talk herself down.
JACQUELINE
Pull it together, Jacqueline. You
can do this. Remember what that
magic eight ball said; you possess
the strength and independence of a
made in China.
T.V. VOICE OVER
...Or DO you...??
Jaywalker Anthem starts up as JACQUELINE turns to the
screen, which is now mysteriously surrounded by fog.
JACQUELINE
Now thats a little heavy-handed,
dont you think?
T.V. VOICE OVER
...No.
JACQUELINE rolls her eyes and, in a flash, charges her way

back into the kitchen. She shields herself with her robe and
pulls a drawer open. Inside, dozens of Native American hand
brooms. JACQUELINE grabs one and raises it with vengeance.
JACQUELINE
Stay away, if you know whats best!
I watched other people Soul Cycle
for 80 minutes last week! Ive seen
it all!
WINDOW BIRD swoops down and out, before ultimately escaping

through the kitchen window. JACQUELINE victoriously whips
around. She catches her breath and a smirk surfaces.
JACQUELINE
Welcome to the new Jacqueline,
world.
KIMMY counts her mid-service lunch tips.
KIMMY
One, two three, four, death threat,
five...
CHIP
Wow! Looks like youre really
cleaning up today. Havent seen
tips like that since my gig in
Austin last summer.
KIMMY
Wait. You play music?!
CHIP
Sometimes! If my brain voices let
me!
CHIP struts away. KIMMY retrieves her tray from a nearby

table and interrupts TITUS, who continues to stream-chat
from a corner booth.
TITUS
Salerno, we are in a premium
leather booth. Pants UP.
KIMMY
Excuse me, sir, Im just a young
career job woman looking to deliver
a large water and 16 sugar packets?
TITUS
Usually I hold back...
TITUS looks to a sign on the wall that reads "ATTN: First 15
sugar packets free."
TITUS
...but today, lchaim!
KIMMY
Lucky for you, smiles are on the
house! Just like ranch dressing if
you come at the end of the month!
TITUS
You know, I was skepticular at
first, Kimberly, but it seems like
youve really got it all figured
out here.
KIMMY
You really think so, no take-backs?
TITUS
Sure! Youve got fans--
TIMES SQUARE ELMO watches KIMMY with binoculars from a table
across the room.
TITUS
...and youve got flair--
KIMMY proudly displays two buttons: EMPLOYEE OF THE HOUR
and THING."
TITUS
...and most importantly, youre
appreciated for your mind, body,
and vanilla-scented spirit.
KIMMY
And YOUVE still got complimentary
Wireless-Fi, exclusively reserved
for patrons! And people who live in
the air shaft!
TITUS
And to think, just a few hours ago,
you were shaking in the knees and I
was about to be lured into a
mail-order-husband scam disguised
as a theatrical experience. Oh how
times have changed!
KIMMY
You know, I think you might be onto
something. I mean, I might need to
work on team morale, and my manager
doesnt really believe in schedules
or rules or anything, but Im in
control here. Im living the
American (Girl Doll) dream! Except
without books or replaceable
braids!
TITUS
Oh, my baby!
BAILON interrupts from across the floor.
BAILON
Kimmy, a word?
KIMMY crosses over with a spirited step.
KIMMY
Bailon, in case I havent said it
on the whiteboard yet, but I just
want to thank--
BAILON
Kimmy, youre fired.
KIMMY
Fired?! Wait, but,
pause...rewind...
BAILON
No need to eject. Kimmy, Its
nothing personal, but I just dont
think this is going to work for
you, specifically.
KIMMY
But Ill do anything! Ill mop the
floor or snake the pipes or mop the
snake that lives in the pipes...
BAILON
Mr. Whiskers does deserve to be
pampered...Alright, listen, Kimmy.
Im willing to give you another
chance, but heres the thing: Im
gonna need to turn your energy down
quite a bit.
KIMMY
I can turn down. I wont even draw
stars on the bills or anything!
BAILON
Thats not enough.
KIMMY
Oh. Then what is enough?
BAILON
How close can you get to
sleepwalking?
KIMMY
But...smiles are on the house...
BAILON
The fact of the matter is nobody
really comes here for smiles,
Kimmy. If they wanted dinner and a
show, theyd go to Red Knobster or
(MORE)
BAILON (contd)
FudgeBunkers. Or Applebees.
Honestly, youll just burn yourself
out, which is why I try to keep it
no frills here. Just fried food and
a place to rest your cankles, none
of that other frosting. Think you
can manage?
KIMMY
Well...yeah. Yeah, I guess so...
BAILON
Great! Oh sorry...
BAILON clears his throat and slips into a grave whisper.
BAILON
Good. Oh, one more thing.
BAILON removes KIMMYs flair pins and slaps a "BERTH"
sticker over her name tag.
KIMMY
Is that even a name?
BAILON
Sure it is. Somewhere.
BAILON skitters away while KIMMYs spirit slowly deflates.

INT. THE VOORHEES HOME
After conquering WINDOW BIRD, JACQUELINE enthusiastically
prepares lunch. She wears an all white jumpsuit with MR.
WHO? bedazzled across the chest. She chops and she thrives.
RAPHAEL
Sneeze approaching, Jacqueline.
JACQUELINE
Im sorry, Raphael, I can barely
hear you over my newfound rigid
independence.
A high-pitched sneeze sneaks out. JACQUELINE quickly
recovers and continues chopping. RAPHAEL clears his throat,
awaiting validation. JACQUELINE spitefully obliges.
JACQUELINE
Thank you, Raphael, but in all
lowercase letters. Id like to
spare more time celebrating your
(MORE)
JACQUELINE (contd)
genius, but, now, with just a touch
of decorative plating...wow. Eat
your heart out, Spago.
CUT TO:
JACQUELINEs plate, which consists of a single cheese cube
and a Diet Coke with a syringe sticking out.
JACQUELINE
What a divine splurge. And, yet, I
find myself winded by the street
beat of the independent hustle.
What a life. Well Raphael, I shall
take my lunch on-the-go, as Ive
got an important meeting with
Beyonc in my mind later today.
JACQUELINE readies to journey upstairs, but she catches a
glimpse of "Making A Jaywalker" paused on TV. Curiosity
strikes. She reroutes and takes a seat. She hits play.
JACQUELINE
Do you think hell really...
JACQUELINE struggles with such a commonplace word.
JACQUELINE
Ja-walk?
RAPHAEL
Shall I explain the dramatic rule
to you?
JACQUELINE
No, no. I suppose I can afford a
moment or two of relaxation before
I start on my power ballad.
Raphael, did you make note of those
lyrics I wrote? The tiger metaphor
where my hands are the claws?
RAPHAEL
...yes.
JACQUELINE
Splendid. Or, shall I say, "dop."
Jaywalk Series Anthem interrupts as JACQUELINE settles in.
TV VOICE OVER
Previously, on part 4 of 49...
INT. THANK GOD ITS THURSDAYS - LATE AFTERNOON
A table of elderly men silently share a giant bowl of
coleslaw as KIMMY approaches with a check.
KIMMY (WHISPERING)
Be less me, be less me...
KIMMY slows her stride. Her light-up sneakers barely glow

under two taped-on paper napkin buffers.
KIMMY
Can I get you handsome guys
anything else?
One ELDERLY MAN chokes as an ELDERLY FRIEND panics. ELDERLY
MAN regains composure.
ELDERLY MAN
Did that plate mover just address
us with flirtation?
ELDERLY FRIEND
Just the check, please, weve seen
enough personality today.
CUT TO:
A SECOND TIMES SQUARE ELMO balances a baby on her hip as she
pantomime-shames TIMES SQUARE ELMO at his table. KIMMY
excuses herself and retreats back to TITUS, who is fully
consumed by his stream-chat.
TITUS
Go work. Make paper. Independence.
Yay you. Verdict soon.
KIMMY
Can you just feel my forehead and
tell if Im actually dying or just
think Im dying?
CHIP passes by.

CHIP
Back from my break! Maybe avoid the
third stall! Righteous!
KIMMY
How come he gets to speak with
exclamation points?
TITUS
Because hes a bad boy and a good
kisser.
KIMMY stares blankly. TITUS suddenly comes to.
TITUS
Never speak of this again.
KIMMY
Dont worry. Soon Ill have nobody
to talk to, once I move to 123
Homeless Street, Unemployed Forever
Village, USA.
TITUS
Near Branson?
KIMMY
I guess well see because I QUIT.
TITUS
Quit?! Kimberly Schmidt, youd
better wash that word right out of
your mouth, along with "cant" and
"jegging."
KIMMY
I cant - er can NOT - stay here,
Titus! This isnt the life Im
supposed to be leading. You said it
yourself; Im supposed to serve
something or somebody that
appreciates my shine. Im meant to
sparkle, or at the very least,
preheat!
TITUS
And you can, just on your own time!
So what, youve got to turn down
your shine to make a dollar or two?
Weve all had to do it at some
point. Did you learn nothing from
Mariah Carey in "Glitter"?
KIMMY
Was that the one about the dog that
played basketball?
TITUS gasps.
TITUS
Youre lucky Ive got four more
hours of legal coverage keeping me
here. Now get back out there and
feed your people-ish.
KIMMY takes a deep breath and charges on.
KIMMY (WHISPERING)
Im not really here, Im not really
here...
INT. THE VOORHEES HOME - EVENING
The sun has set and JACQUELINE is still watching "Making A
Jaywalker," disheveled and sprawled out, surrounded by
syringe straws. The house is completely dark, as T.V. VOICE
OVER details the evidence.
T.V. VOICE OVER
By the end of Day 71, it was clear
that the Croniecrook Police had not
only tampered with Kerbis Quinneys
sneaker, but, at some point, moved
the curb into the crosswalk by half
an inch, making it nearly
impossible to NOT give the
impression of jaywalking...
JACQUELINE
Its such a sick, sad world,
Raphael. One moment youre hustling
to stay alive, and the next, youre
all alone in the darkness and your
fate is in the hands of someone
with a homemade haircut.
JACQUELINE reaches into a pile of syringes to start a new
Diet Coke as a sneeze surfaces. She waits for delayed
recognition from RAPHAEL. He remains silent. JACQUELINE
pauses the episode and fakes a second sneeze. Silence.
JACQUELINE
Raphael?
JACQUELINE shuffles through the darkness and creeps her way

into the kitchen. She pursues a soft buzz from Raphaels
unit.
JACQUELINE
Daniel, is that you?
JACQUELINE spots DANIEL BONE fast asleep in a rustic
hammock.
JACQUELINE
Raphael? Marzipan? ... Salerno?
JACQUELINE moves into the kitchen and opens an overhead
cabinet, which is, naturally, full of Native American hand
brooms. She takes one out and readies for battle. JACQUELINE
suddenly spots one of RAPHAELs cords moving erratically on
the floor and, with great speed, she jumps into the chaos to
find WINDOW BIRD picking apart Raphaels wire. WINDOW BIRD
shoots JACQUELINE a menacing look and JACQUELINE takes off
running.
JACQUELINE
Stay away, propeller rat!!
WINDOW BIRD attacks, running its talons through JACQUELINEs
hair, snatching a bedazzle off of her jumpsuit. JACQUELINE
screams her way through the house and towards the front
door, where she makes a swift shoeless exit out into the
street. She flags down a luxury sedan.
JACQUELINE
The winged demon reigns supreme! I
am only one woman!! Take me back to
codependency!
EXT. THE TIMES SQUARE CHURCH OF SCIENTOLOGY
JACQUELINEs ride screeches away, leaving her in front of
the marble facade. She looks around, confused. A marquee
down the street reads "JACQUELINES CRISIS: A NEW MUSICAL."
She massages her broom, still in hand. She faces the street
and spots THANK GOD ITS THURSDAYS across the way. She
instantly breaks beneath the glow of the neon sign.
JACQUELINE
Paid service. How Ive missed you.
ACT III
INT. THANK GOD ITS THURSDAYS - NIGHT

A woman in a straight jacket weeps over a side salad as
KIMMY surveys the dining room. BAILON sleeps at his podium.
TITUS drools over his stream-chat. CHIP pours a beer back
and forth between two glasses, reading an upright MIXOLOGY
TODAY textbook. A tumbleweed made of paper napkins blows
across the floor as KIMMY withers away. She sinks into
herself, before catching wind of a guttural sob from the
street below. KIMMY approaches the window wall and finds
JACQUELINE anxiously waiting to (legally) cross the street.
KIMMY
Former Mrs. Voorhees?
JACQUELINE shakes her broom at passing cars. She remains
barefoot in a chewed on "M Who?" jumpsuit. KIMMY does a once
over of the dining room. BAILON continues to nap. CHIP has
introduced a third glass into his studies. KIMMY makes her
exit.
EXT. THANK GOD ITS THURSDAYS
KIMMY shouts across the street to JACQUELINE.

KIMMY
Former Mrs. Voorhees!
JACQUELINE
...Berth? Is that you?
KIMMY
No! Well...sort of, I guess. Its
me, Kimmy!
JACQUELINE
Kimberly?! What have they done to
you? WHERE ARE YOUR FRECKLES?
KIMMY pulls a baggie from her pocket. Inside, a handful of
loose sesame seeds.
KIMMY
They made me take them off!
JACQUELINE gasps.
KIMMY
What happened? Where are your
shoes?
JACQUELINE
RAPHAEL IS DEAD!
KIMMY gasps.
KIMMY
Everything is--
JACQUELINE
Awful, I know!
KIMMY
Ive wanted to say it all day, but
I didnt have the--
JACQUELINE
Biting cynicism or effortless
scowl, I know! Just as I lack the--
KIMMY
Gentle kindness and resilience of a
loose balloon, I know!
JACQUELINE
Come back to me, Kimberly. I cant
do it alone any longer! I need
somebody to yell things at when Im
confused or frightened or
pleasantly normal. What do you say?
I dont have much - a house demon,
a promising hit record -- but with
you, Ive got it all!
KIMMY
Just say Im un-fired!
JACQUELINE
Youre UN-fired, Kimmy Schmidt!
Music swells as KIMMY and JACQUELINE wait for the crossing
signal before romantically embracing in the middle of the
street.
INT. THE VOORHEES HOME - NIGHT

KIMMY lovingly tucks her jelly bracelets into bed.
KIMMY
And thats how I learned that all
roads lead you back home. And by
home, I mean place of employment
with a reduced rate of pay.
WINDOW BIRD resurfaces and drops a tiny pillow at KIMMYs
feet.
KIMMY
Aw, thanks Donovan!
WINDOW BIRD departs as KIMMY sneaks the pillow into the bed.
Suddenly, a bloodcurdling scream.
JACQUELINE
Kimberly!!
KIMMY pulls a hand broom from a hand broom holster on her
waistband and races to find JACQUELINE, wide-eyed, in front
of the television.
JACQUELINE
Its time.
A Making A Jaywalker: The Verdict title card fades into a
courtroom shot. The JUDGE clears his throat as KERBIS
QUINNEY anxiously chews his own mustache.
JUDGE
When it comes to Mr. Kerbis
Quinney...Im just gonna guess
guilty, yall.
The courtroom erupts. KERBIS tries to make a run for it. Two
jurors fire celebratory rifles. A vendor sells snow cones.
KIMMY
Gosh. Ive never seen people with
such good dry cleaning make such
bad decisions.
JACQUELINE
The real world is terribly dark
place, Kimberly. Have mercy on
their souls.
A brief silence passes through the room.
JACQUELINE
Shall we watch the reunion special?
A live execution!
KIMMY
Mmm, maybe after I watch you eat
your night snack. Should I ready
your cheese cube?
JACQUELINE
Ive never heard such sweet poetry.
As JACQUELINE drifts away in her ragged jumpsuit, the
doorbell rings. KIMMY is apprehensive, but quickly rebounds.
She approaches with a whisper.
KIMMY
Please be Joey Lawrence, please be
Joey Lawrence, please be--
KIMMY opens the door to find BAILON.

KIMMY
Bailon? What are you doing here?
How did you even find me?
BAILON
I followed the lights on your
sneakers.
KIMMYs feet flash under torn scraps of kids menus.
KIMMY
Im sorry. I havent figured out
how to turn them down yet.
BAILON
No, Kimmy, Im the one whos sorry.
Somewhere along the way, I lost
sight of what TGITs was supposed
to be and, well, I just wanted to
apologize and give you something
you deserve.
BAILON pulls a takeout baggie from his pocket. Inside, a

piece of flair: "YOU DO YOU" on a metal fastener.
KIMMY
Thanks, Bailon. Id invite you in,
but my new boss just finished a
nervous breakdown.
BAILON
Yeah yeah, I know how that goes.
Plus, I left your replacement on
the floor alone and I have a pretty
bad feeling about it.
CUT TO:

TITUS stares into his phone as he fills a patrons water
glass. The overflow forms a puddle.
TITUS
Oh, that execution lighting is ON
POIIINT.
CUT BACK TO:
INT. THE VOORHEES HOME
KIMMY smiles as BAILON makes his exit.

BAILON
Until next unexpected firing,
Berth.
KIMMY
Righteous.
KIMMY shuts the door and lets out a long sigh of relief,
making her way through the kitchen.
KIMMY
Welcome back to Kimmy, world. It
sure is good to be home.
KIMMY departs from the shot as RAPHAEL comes into view. A
gargled static voice slowly builds.
RAPHAEL
...Or IS it?
RAPHAEL awkwardly sits in silence. He clears his throat and
waits for his accompaniment. He clears his throat again.
Jaywalker Series Anthem finally hits its cue.
FADE OUT.
THE END.

Kimmy Gets Fired!

Uploaded by

Document Information

Copyright

Available Formats

Share this document

Share or Embed Document

Sharing Options

Did you find this document useful?

Is this content inappropriate?

Copyright:

Available Formats

Kimmy Gets Fired!

Uploaded by

Copyright:

Available Formats

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt:

"Kimmy Gets Fired!"

KIMMY and TITUS watch "Making A Jaywalker: A Webwatchers

JACQUELINE passes through, draped in her satin robe. "FORMER

Jaywalker Series Anthem mysteriously interrupts.

KIMMY nervously massages her face.

JACQUELINE passes through once more. She carries a tub that

Jaywalker Series Anthem starts up again

A tiny knife replaces the jelly bracelets popcorn bag.

RAPHAEL, a toaster-esque unit, who lights up in the kitchen.

DANIEL BONE, a poodle wearing a coonskin cap, paws a banjo

TITUS guides KIMMY on a consolation walk.

TITUS and KIMMY continue on.

KIMMY dramatically sticks her foot out. Her sneakers light

KIMMY stops in her tracks.

KIMMY turns her gaze upwards. Directly above, an awning

KIMMY yanks a firmly planted TITUS.

INT. THE BUNKER

KIMMY interrupts, wielding an invisible tray.

KIMMY winces as he disappears. She takes a deep breath and

BAILON and KIMMY stop and look out a wall of windows. A

CHIP freezes mid-thought. BAILON leads KIMMY away in the

INT. THE VOORHEES HOME - NOON

#2. Wake self up

#4. Replace Brita kidney filters

JACQUELINE stops mid-phrase.

JACQUELIN spots Kimmys jelly bracelets on their bed. They

WINDOW BIRD suddenly darts out of the pantry and swoops

WINDOW BIRD continues to swoop before retreating to a

JACQUELINE rolls her eyes and, in a flash, charges her way

WINDOW BIRD swoops down and out, before ultimately escaping

CHIP struts away. KIMMY retrieves her tray from a nearby

BAILON skitters away while KIMMYs spirit slowly deflates.

KIMMY slows her stride. Her light-up sneakers barely glow

CHIP passes by.

JACQUELINE shuffles through the darkness and creeps her way

INT. THANK GOD ITS THURSDAYS - NIGHT

KIMMY shouts across the street to JACQUELINE.

INT. THE VOORHEES HOME - NIGHT

KIMMY opens the door to find BAILON.

BAILON pulls a takeout baggie from his pocket. Inside, a

INT. THANK GOD ITS THURSDAYS

KIMMY smiles as BAILON makes his exit.

You might also like