35 Ways to Tell If It's Over, and to Tell Your

Partner
What to say when it's time to close the door.
Published on January 19, 2013 by Rita Watson, MPH in With Love and Gratitude

When you first met, you thought the two of you had been touched by the same star. Then
something happened. Love began to crumble. You made excuses. There was tension when you
were together. But you reasoned that it was better than being lonely, because fear of the monster
called Alone too often leads people to stay in relationships long after a connection has ended,
emotionally and physically.

Even for college students in relatively brief relationships, a break-up can create overwhelming
sadness and extreme stress. The University of Georgia Health Center, for example, has an entire
page devoted to ending relationships.

The United States Census Bureau reported in 2011 that its latest data (compiled in 2009)
indicated that 83 percent of all currently married couples had made it to their fifth anniversary,
and that about 55 percent had been married at least 15 years. However, if you look closely at the
data, a large share of the couples were in fact separated, although these did not figure into the
overall statistics. Also, there was no tally of the "un-divorced"those no longer wishing to stay
married but who, for various (often financial) reasons, remain together.

How can you tell if your relationship is unambiguously over? These 35 questions and thoughts
should factor into any decision:

1. The most important question to ask yourself is: In your heart of hearts, do you believe
that he or she is the one and only?

2. If your answer is, Im not sure, in fact you may be sure (that the person is not), but
afraid to be alone. So ask this question instead: Is this person the oneor just the one
for now?

3. If he or she is maybe just the one for now then consider the following thoughts and
decide how to proceed:

4. Make a promise to yourself that you will wait one week before saying Its over so that
you can think about when you began to question the relationship; that is, what pushed you
over the edge.

5. Before saying anything at all, write out the 5 qualities about the other person that helped
you to fall in love. Was it kindness, empathy, the ability to listen, generosity of spirit,
honesty?

6. Write out at least 2 experiences that brought the two of you joy. Now ask yourself, Can
we find that place of happiness again?

7. Write out the general pros and cons of the relationship.

8. Reviewing your list using the weighted average: If you've make a list of 10 positive
qualities and only one negative, but the negative is something so significant or
fundamental to you, it must outweighs the positives.

9. Review your notes and ask again, Is it time to say, Good-bye?

10. Now, ask yourself, If he or she were to be breaking up with me, what are the words that I
would want to hear?"

11. Start to prepare what you might say, from a positive position: We have shared happy
times together. Then name two or three specifics.

12. Next, state the reality: Something is not working between us.

13. Express your need: I need to move on.

14. Be willing to listen, calmly, to the other persons reaction.

15. Decide in advance not to argue. Do not try to counter angry words. Simply listen and say,
I know this is painful.

16. Also acknowledge how difficult is it to say the words, It is over. Explain briefly that
you have considered your decision carefully.

17. Be firm: I am not telling you this so that you can do things differently. I am telling you
this because I feel that this is the end of the road for us.

18. Decide in advance how to answer the other person if he or she says, Couldnt we give it
another try?" or, "Could we go to counseling?"

19. In considering your response to this, realize that "another try" is often dependent upon
conditions. First, ask yourself how many times he or she has promised to make things
right before.

20. If you think the relationship can be salvaged, you love the other person, and he or she is
serious about making that commitment, counseling might be a good idea.

21. If you can agree to counseling, go into the sessions with an open mind.

22. If you decide to see a therapist together, avoid turning the sessions into a finger-pointing
exercises by airing a laundry list of complaints.

23. If you seek therapy together, be honest, but kind.

24. If you have decided in advance that therapy would be out of the question at this point,
then in denying that prospect to your partner, repeat that "It's over," maintaining an
honest and kind attitude.

25. If your partner asks if there is someone elsewhether the answer is yes or noconsider
replying, This is not about another person, but about us. We are not working.

26. Be aware, however, that if there is someone else, then the longer you keep (or have kept)
that fact from your partner, the longer it will take for you both to heal.

27. And if there is someone else, know that infidelity can be either a deal breaker or a wake-
up call. Therapists such as Michele Weiner-Davis know the benefits that couples can
derive from therapy, even after infidelity, if they've committed to save a relationship.

28. Know whether your partner is the type who will benefit from you dragging out the good-
bye, or from radical surgerythat is, Its over. No more discussion.
29. Also understand the consequences of a prolonged separationspecifically, that it opens
the door for a guilt trip, or manipulation, or for your partner generally entering into
victim mode: "How can you do this to me?

30. Understand the sincere hurt and anger the other person is going through.

31. At all times, though, remain calm yourself.

32. Reassure the other person, again, that he or she is someone with whom you have shared a
great deal of joybut that now it is time to move on.

33. Consider recounting again at least two special moments that you shared together for
which you will always be grateful.

34. If he or she will responds, "Then why cant we try again? remain firm.

35. If you have made up your mind, the answer is simply: Its over. Kiss each other good
bye and then cry. Even if ending the relationship is what you wish to do, prepare for an
empty feeling inside. Express gratitude for the good times, wish you partner joy, and in
time, you will feel the warmth of sunshine again.