Name: Alex Huang

Period: 6th
Date: 1/10/17
 The Lionesss Prey

One afternoon a lioness is going to get a drink from the waterhole, as she is drinking she hears

something but does not acknowledge it. As she finishes, she starts going back towards the grass and all

of a sudden, she spots a zebra within the PROXIMITY of the waterhole. Now hiding in the grass of

Central Africa near the waterhole being very PRUDENT and stalking its prey. As the lioness is hiding,

she spots a vulture sitting in one of the two trees near by and knows that there is some animal around.

She is trying to stay as hidden as possible but the Zebra is very cautious of its surrounding. The zebra

looks like an old, fat, but wise one so she thinks it would be an easy target but she never knows. The

lion wants to get the zebra but he has to wait for the right moment because the zebra keeps looking

around since it is alone from its heard. Then she notices the zebra notices her, out of nowhere the

vulture starts to fly CANTANKEROUSLY and makes sound very loud which makes the zebra focus on

the vulture. The vulture flew from one tree to another. The lion realizes that it is a good time to strike so

the lion went for the kill. As she thinks he got the zebra, she saw the zebra quickly move to the side and

sent the lioness flying into the mud and landed in WRY way so she could not get up fast enough. As the

lioness is trying to get out of the mud the zebra runs to a INVIOLABLE location so he does not get

spotted again. As the lioness is cleaning herself back to her original URBANE way, she sees the vulture

and starts thinking very FLIPPANTLY either the vulture is trying to help her catch the zebra or the

zebra to get away. This is very strange because this has never happened to the lion. Either the prey out

ran her or she got them.

 Short Story Peer Editing Checklist
Read your partners paper SILENTLY and mark with editing codes.
As you are reading, make any spelling / grammar changes that
you find.
Pay special attention to dialogue
Each time a new person speaks, the new speakers
words should be indented on a new line.
The punctuation mark should be INSIDE the quotation
mark.

Rate the following areas from 1-5, I being Poor or Missing and 5 being Excellent. If
you give it a 3 or below, please offer your partner a suggestion for how to improve. You
may write on this sheet and/or on your partners story.
REQUIREMENTS RATING Nicholas Editor #2 Self Edit
Urquhart Suggestions Suggestions
Suggestions

Interesting but relevant 1 2 3 4 4

title 5 Sound like a
assason

Effective narrative hook 1 2 3 4 4

as first paragraph 5

Original plot 1 2 3 4 4
5 A little diffrent
but the same.

Well-developed plot 1 2 3 4 4
that includes 5
Exposition, Rising
Action, Climax, Falling
Action, and Resolution

Protagonist and 1 2 3 4 4
antagonist correctly 5
identified by behavior
and description.

Concluding sentence(s) 1 2 3 4 4
provide a sense of 5
resolution

Character(s) are 1 2 3 4 4
appropriately 5
developed

Shows instead of tells 1 2 3 4 4

5

Strong verbs and 1 2 3 4 4

adjectives 5 Dont see big
words but that
ok

Clear setting that 1 2 3 4 4

invokes a definite mood 5

Clear point of view (can 1 2 3 4 5

easily tell if 1st person, 5
3rd person limited, or Only see what
3rd person omniscient) the lion sees

Effective dialogue with 1 2 3 4 4

clear tags and 5
description.

Suspense keeps the 1 2 3 4 4

reader interested 5

Story has purpose 1 2 3 4 4

(theme) and does not 5
drag on. Story comes
to a point

All parts of the story are 1 2 3 4 3

appropriately 5
explained: Some are left
African out
Savannah
Thirsty
zebra goes to
water hole alone
Zebra is
old, wise, fat
Two trees
near the water
Vulture
sits in one of two
trees
Zebra
looks, drinks,
looks again
Lioness
nearby in grass
Cant find
good time to
pounce
Vulture
makes noise,
flaps to tree #2
Zebra is
distracted
Lioness
charges
Zebra
side steps
Lioness
face-plants
Zebra
runs back to
herd
Lion goes
back into grass
to clean up
Vulture
sits in tree #2 to
wait for another
chance at
food/better
hunter
Grammar & formatting 1 2 3 4 4
errors are not a 5
distraction from overall
effectiveness

What are the strengths of this piece? Be clear and specific.

Nick: The point of viwe of the lion and atsmafer.

On what areas should the author focus his/her revision? Be clear and specific.
Nick: I want to know what happen to the lion after she fails.