3/9/2017 HowtoShowEmpathy:13Steps(withPictures)wikiHow

HowtoShowEmpathy Expert
Reviewed
TwoParts: ConnectingwithOthersthroughEmpathy BuildingUpYourEmpathy

Beingabletopracticeempathyisoneofthemostimportantskillsyoucanlearn.Inaworldthatspendssomuchtimepicking
atflawsandignitingfearandangerinpeople,empathycanbeabalmtothatfearandanger.Itcanhelpyou,andothers,
leadamorefulfillingandhealthierlife.Empathymeansyouhavetoputyourselfintheirshoesandbeawareofandsensitive
totheirfeelingstohelpthem.

Part
ConnectingwithOthersthroughEmpathy
1

1 Listen.Listeningisoneofthemosteffectivewaysyoucandemonstrateempathytootherpeople.Whenyouare
practicingactivelistening,youarelisteningwithpurpose.[1]Youaren'tfiddlingaboutonyourphone,orthinking
aboutwhatyou'regoingtomakefordinnertonight,you'rereallytakinginwhattheotherpersonissaying.
Ifyou'relisteningtosomeoneandyougetdistractedbythinkingaboutdinnerorwhateveritisyouwanttosay
nextintheconversation,bringyourselfbacktothepresentbysaying"Iwasjustthinkingabout___(lastthing
yourememberthemsaying)__andIwaswonderingifyoucouldrepeatwhatyoujustsaidsothatIdon'tmiss
anything."
Lookthespeakerintheeye(don'tstare,buttrytomaintaineyecontact),andsitfacingtheperson.Don'tlet
yourgazedriftallovertheplace,becauseitwilllookasthoughyouaren'tpayingattentionandthatyoudon't
carewhatthispersonhastosay.
Activelisteningrequiresthreethings.[2]First,paraphrasewhatthepersonsaidtoshowthatyouunderstood
thecontent.Thisisagenerallisteningskillaswell.Second,reflectbackyouremotionalreaction.Reflecting
backyouremotionsisakeypartofempathybecauseithelpsthepersonbetterunderstandandregulatetheir
ownemotions.Thisisacorereasonwhywerequireempathyfromothers.Theirreactionshelpusregulateour
ownresponsesandmakesenseofitintheworld.Third,indicatehowyourresponsemakesyouwantto
behave.Expressingyourbehaviorisanotherkeyelement,becauseagainyouaredemonstratingthatyou
understandtheiremotionalstateandhelpingthemfigureoutabehaviortomoveforwardwith.

2 Openup.Justlisteningtosomeoneisn'tgoingtobuildabridgebetweenthetwoofyou.Openingupemotionally
isanincrediblydifficultandbravethingtodobutitwilldeepentheconnectionwithanotherperson.[3]
Empathyisatwowaystreet.It'saboutsharingvulnerabilitiesandanemotionalconnection.Totrulypractice
empathyyouhavetoshareyourowninnerlandscapewithsomeoneelseastheyreciprocate
Thisdoesn'tmeanyouhavetospillyourlifestorytoeverypersonthatyoumeet.Yougettodecidewhoyou're
goingtoshareyourselfwith,but,topracticeempathy,youhavetobeopentothepossibilityandthe
opportunityofopeningup,especiallywiththepeopleyouleastexpect.
Onceyoufindanindividualwithwhomyou'dliketobemoreopen,trythefollowing:ratherthanleaningon
thoughtsoropinionsinconversation,attempttoexpressyourfeelingsaboutagiventopic.Trytostartyour
sentenceswith"I",orinthefirstperson.Forexample,"Iamverygladwegottohangouttoday."Finally,
refrainfromansweringaquestionwith"Idon'tknow"especiallyifitisapersonalquestion.Peopleoften
respondinthiswaytopreventfromgoingdeeperwithanotherperson.Trytocomeupwithananswerthat
trulyexpresseshowyoufeel.[4]

3 Offerphysicalaffection.Now,youcan'tdothisforeveryoneand,obviously,youshouldaskbeforeyougive
someonephysicalaffectiontomakesurethatit'sokay(evenifyou'veknownthemforawhile).Showingphysical
affection,however,canboostoxytocinlevelsandmakebothofyoufeelbetter.[5]
Ifyouknowthepersonwell,givethemahug,orputanarmaroundtheirshoulders,orahandontheirarm.
Notonlydoesthisshowthatyourattentionisfocusedonthem,butitcreatesaconnectionbetweenthetwoof

http://www.wikihow.com/ShowEmpathy 1/6
3/9/2017 HowtoShowEmpathy:13Steps(withPictures)wikiHow

you.
Oxytocinhasbeenknowntohelppeoplebetterinterpretotherpeople'semotions,soaconsensualhugcan
buildupyouremotionalintelligenceaswellastheemotionalintelligenceofthepersonwithwhomyou're
empathizing.[6]

4 Focusyourattentionoutwards.Payattentiontoyoursurroundingsandtothefeelings,expressions,and
actionsofthepeoplearoundyou.Bemindfulabouthowothersyouinteractwithmightbefeeling.[7]
Noticeyoursurroundings,reallynoticethem.Payattentiontosounds,smells,sightsandregisterthem
consciously.Peopletendtoregisterthingsunconsciously.Forexample,thinkhowmanytimesyou'vewalked
ordrivensomewhereandhavenomemorywhatsoeverofgettingfromAtoB.Takeinyoursurroundings
mindfully.
Researchhasshownthatpracticingmindfulnessaboutyoursurroundingsandthepeoplearoundyoumakes
youmorelikelytoextendempathytowardsthemandtohelpwhensomeoneneedsit.[8]

5 Withholdjudgment.Thisisanimportantstepwhenpracticingempathyandwhenpracticingmindfulness.Itcan
bereallyhardtowithholdimmediatejudgment,especiallywhenfirstmeetingorinteractingwithsomeone.And
yet,thisisacrucialsteptowardsbeingempathetic.[9]
Trytogainadeeperunderstandingofsomeoneelse'sperspectivewithoutimmediatelysayingthatitisbador
good.Inthiswayyou'reabletogettoadeeperlevelofunderstanding.Thisdoesnotnecessarilymeanthat
theotherpersonisrightorgood,buttakingthetimetogainadeeperperspectivewillhelpyouindeveloping
empathytowardsthem.[10]
Ofcourse,thisisnottosaythatifsomeoneisactingareprehensiblemanner(sayingracistorsexistthingsor
behavinglikeabully)thatyoushouldn'tinterveneorsaysomething.Speakingupisanactofcourageand
compassion.
Makingsnapjudgmentsaboutothersisafundamentalaspectofbeinghuman.[11]Wedevelopedthisability
fromourancestorsinordertoreadpotentiallydangerouspeopleandsituations.However,thisinnate
mechanismcanbehardtooverride.
Thenexttimeyoufindyourselfmakingasnapjudgmentaboutanotherperson,trytooverridethisjudgement
by:1)Lookingdeeperatthepersonforwaysyoucanempathizewithasituationthepersonisgoingthrough.
2)Notingafewthingsthispersonprobablyhasincommonwithyou(whenwecanuncoveruniversal
commonalitieswearelesslikelytojudgeothers).3)Askingthepersonquestions,soyoucanlearnmore
abouttheiruniquestory.

6 Offerhelp.Thisshowsthatyouseewhatsomeoneisgoingthroughandyouwanttomakelifeeasierforthem.
Offeringhelpisagreatactofempathy,becauseitshowsthatyou'rewillingtotaketimeoutofyourdaytodo
somethingforsomeoneelsewithoutaskinganythinginreturn.[12]
Offeringhelpcanbeassimpleasholdingthedoorforapersonwho'senteringthesamebuildingasyou,or
buyingacoffeeforthepersonbehindyouinline.Itcanbeasbigashelpingyourgrandfathersetuphis
computerandtalkinghimthroughhowitworks.Or,itcanbeofferingtotakecareofyoursister'skidsforthe
weekendsoshecantakeabreak.
Evenjustofferingtheopportunitytohelp,canbeanempatheticgesture.Tellafriendthatiftheyneed
anythingtheycanask,openingupthewayforprovidinghelpandsupport.

Part
BuildingUpYourEmpathy
2

1 Practicecuriosityaboutstrangers.Partofshowingempathyisbeinginterestedinotherpeople,especially
peoplethatyouknownothingaboutandwhoareoutsideofyoursocialcircle.Thesecanbetherandompeople
youmeetonthebus,orwhoyou'restandinginlineforcoffeewith.[13]
Thissortofcuriositymovesbeyondsimplytalkingabouttheweatheralthoughthatisalwaysagreatplaceto
start.Youwanttounderstandalittleofanotherperson'sworld,especiallyapersonthatyoumightnot

http://www.wikihow.com/ShowEmpathy 2/6
3/9/2017 HowtoShowEmpathy:13Steps(withPictures)wikiHow

normallytalkto.Itwillalsorequireopeningupaboutyourself,becauseyoucan'thavethistypeof
conversationwithoutgivingofyourself,too.
Havingthesetypesofconversationsisalsoagreattimetotestyourempathy,becausesomepeopledon't
wanttotalk,soyoucanlearntopickoutthesebehaviorsandleavethesepeoplealone.Checkforthingslike
whethertheyreadingabook,wearingheadphones,facingawayfromeveryoneandnotmakingeyecontact.
Ifapersonmakeseyecontactwithyou,smileatthepersonencouragingly.Then,trytofindsomethingabout
theirsurroundingsorpersonalcharacteristicsinwhichyoucanuseasanopeningtoengageina
conversation.Someexamplesmayinclude:commentingonabookthepersonisreadingoraskingtheperson
forhelporanexplanationaboutsomethinginyourenvironment.Continuetosmileencouraginglyandusethe
otherperson'snamesporadicallyinconversation.
Also,alwaysmakesurethatyoucareforyourselfinthesesituations.Ifyoufeelthreatenedoruncomfortable
bythepersonyou'retalkingto,endtheconversationandgetaway.Trustyourinstincts.

2 Volunteer.Sometimes,peopleareonlymotivatedtoreachoutandhelpothersaftertheythemselveshavebeen
inneed.Ifyouwanttodevelopempathyforothers,volunteernow.Volunteeringpromotesunderstandingofthe
needsofthecommunityandallowsyoutoconnectwithpeopleyoumaynototherwisemeetinyoureverydaylife.
Dedicatingaportionofyourtimetothoseinneedalsohasamazingmentalhealthbenefits.[14]
Dosomeresearchregardingyourlocalcommunitytodeterminewhichpopulationsmaybeinneed.Youcan
volunteerwithyourlocalHabitatforHumanity,atahomelessshelter,theRedCross,orevenoffertotutor
schoolchildren.

3 Challengeyourownprejudice.It'shardsometimestorememberthatjustbecauseyoufirmlybelievein
somethingdoesn'tmeanthatit'sright.Taketimetoanalyzeyourownprejudices.Learningtoseeindividual
peopleratherthan"welfaremoms"or"terrorists"or"gangsters"willhelpyoupracticeyourempathy.[15]
Searchforthingsthatyoushareincommonwithsomeonewhoyouoriginallyseeasonespecificlabeland
usethatcommonalitytoforgeaconnectionwiththatperson.
Also,challengeyourbiasesandassumptions.[16]Askyourselfwhyyouthinkthatallpoorpeoplearelazy,or
allpeoplewithmentalhealthissuesaredangerous,orthatallfollowersofacertainreligionareterrorists.Alot
ofassumptionsandprejudicesarebasesonerroneousinformationthathasbecomewidespread.Educate
yourselfandlistentothegroupsthatareaffectedbythismisinformation.

4 Useyourimagination.Agoodimaginationisoneofthecornerstonesofshowingempathytowardssomething.
You'renotgoingtobeabletoexperienceeverysinglethingthatcanhappentoaperson,butyoucanuseyour
imaginationtogiveyouaninklingofhowitmightfeelandusethatunderstandingtoempathizewiththem.[17]
Activelyimaginingwhatsomeoneelsemightbesufferingcanhelpyouempathizewiththem.So,insteadof
decidingthattheoldmanonthestreetbeggingformoneyisautomaticallygoingtousewhathegetson
booze,tryimaginingwhatitwouldbeliketoliveonthestreets,onthemercyofunmercifulpeople,inasystem
thatpunishespeoplelikeveterans,thementallyill,andthedestitute.
Researchhasfoundthatpeoplewhoreadfictiontendtobebetteratunderstandingemotions,behaviors,and
intentions.Soreadwidelyandtrytobranchoutintotheworksofmarginalizedpeople.[18]

5 Practiceexperientialempathy.Thismeansgettingadirectexperienceofanotherperson'slife,the"walkamile
inanotherperson'sshoes"adage.Thewriter,GeorgeOrwell,livedonthestreetsofLondontodiscoverwhatit
waslikeforthoseonthemarginsofsociety.Orwellmadefriends,changedhisviewonthedestitute(decidingthey
werenot"drunkenscoundrels"),andchangedhisviewsoninequality.[19]
Youdon'thavetogoquitethatfar,butconsidertakingonallthethingsthatyourmotherdoesinadayforan
entireweek.You'lldiscoverhowdifficultitistomanageboththehomeandwork,andyou'llhaveabetter
appreciationforhowmuchworkshehastodo.Youmayevendecidetopitchinabitmore.
Likewise,ifyou'rereligious(oratheist)considerattendingtheserviceofanotherfaith,nottoridiculeortofeel
superiorto,buttolearnwhatitislikeforthem.

6
http://www.wikihow.com/ShowEmpathy 3/6
3/9/2017 HowtoShowEmpathy:13Steps(withPictures)wikiHow

6 Treatpeopleasbeingimportant.[20]Starttreatingpeopleasiftheyhaveasmuchimportanceasyoudo.
Recognizethatyouaren'ttheonlyonelivinginthisworldandthatyouaren'tsomesuperiorbeing.
Takeeachpersonastheycome.Don'tlumpthemintostereotypicalgroupswitherroneousonesizefitsall
labels.Eachpersonisanindividualandcomeswithasetofflawsandstrengths.

7 Practicelovingkindnessmeditation.Meditatingisagreatwaytohelpyourselfdealwiththingslikedepression
andanxietyandjustthestressesofdaytodayexistence.Practicinglovingkindnessmeditation,however,can
helpmakeyoumoreempathetic.[21]
Startbydoingregularmeditation.Sitsomewherecomfortableandfocusonyourbreathing.Whenthoughts
starttointrude,acceptthemandreleasethemfromyourmind.Visualizeyourselfasanobjectofloving
kindness.Don'tstartthinkingaboutallyourflawsanddon'tstartthinkingaboutallyourstrengthseither.
Simplyseeyourselfasworthyoflove.
Onceyou'vegotthelovingkindnesstoyourselfdown,startpracticingitfor4differenttypesofpeople:
someoneyourespect,likeateacheradearlybelovedperson,likeafamilymemberorfriendaneutral
person,someoneatastore,someoneyousawoutsidethatdayandahostileperson,someonewithwhom
youareinconflict.
Tokeepyouontrackitcanbehelpfultorepeatamantratoyourself,like"lovingkindness"toremindyou
whenyougetofftrackandtohelpkeepyoufocusedonholdingthefeelingsoflovingkindness,eventowards
thehostileperson.

CommunityQ&A

HowdoIlistentosomeonewhohaslostachild?

Rememberthechild,andtalkaboutthehappytimesandthegoodtimestheparenthadwithhis/herchild.Listen.You
wikiHow mightsay,"Iamsosorrythishappenedtoyou."Don'tignorethesituation.ItisOKtocrywiththeperson.Thepower
Contributor
oftouchisamazing:Ahandonashoulderorahugcangoalongway.
Flagasduplicate NotHelpful 1 Helpful 10

HowdoIrespondtoapersonwithcancer?

Don'tshowthemthatyoufeelpityoranything.Itjustmakesthemfeelevenworse.Treatthemthesameasyoudid
wikiHow
Contributor
before.Becasuallynice,andletthemknowyouarethereforthemiftheyneedyou.
Flagasduplicate NotHelpful 4 Helpful 18

HowdoIhelpafriendiftheyarehavingabadday?

Justbethereforthem.Askthemiftheywanttotalkaboutwhathappened,andjustlistentothem.Iftheydon'twant
wikiHow
Contributor
totalk,trymakingthemlaughortakingthemouttoafunnymovie.
Flagasduplicate NotHelpful 0 Helpful 4

WhatdoIsaytosomeonewhorecentlyattemptedsuicide?

Atfirst,donotspeak,listenorjustsitwiththem.Iftheywanttotalk,youcouldsayanyorallofthese:"Iamherefor
wikiHow
Contributor
you,""Iloveyou,"HowcanIsupportyou,""Doyouwanttotalkaboutit,"and"Itisokaytonotbeokay."
Flagasduplicate NotHelpful 1 Helpful 6

HowcanIbeempathetictoahostileadultdaughterofminewhoisalwaysbeingaccusatory?

TrylisteningtoMarshallBRosenberg,thecreatorofNonViolentcommunication.Hehasalotofmediaclipsavailable
wikiHow
Contributor
ontheinternet.Hecanhelpyoutohearherwithdifferentearsandthenmakebetterconnections.
Flagasduplicate NotHelpful 6 Helpful 15

Ifagoodfriendisbusy,howcanIputmyselfinhershoesandmakethefriendshiplast?

Justthinkabouthowitfeelswhenyou'rebusy.Howwouldyoulikesomeonetoact?Bepatientwithyourfriendwhen
wikiHow
Contributor
theyhaveotherthingsgoingon.Don'tpressureherormakeherfeelguiltyforbeingunavailabletoyou,justtellher
youlookforwardtohangingoutwhenshehasachance.
Flagasduplicate NotHelpful 1 Helpful 5

HowdoIknowwhetheritisallrighttogivephysicalcontacttoshowempathy?

http://www.wikihow.com/ShowEmpathy 4/6