G R O W I N G I N S I D E

A linear chapbook by

SHANNON M
I dont remember
When I realized something was off

"Just get a pee stick just to be safe

A sentiment rebounded to me
As I rebounded to her
As she said to me
As I said to her
From our scares of recent years

It was one of those things

Where you already know

What you have to do
But you never think about

And then it happens to you.

The Loblaws bathroom
8:30 AM

I drank about 3 litres of water

I walked down the block
Squeezing my knees together
Like I should have weeks ago

Waiting for your shift to end

Or when youre high
Or waiting for the bus in the freezing cold
All make minutes feel like hours
But holding this wet plastic
In a bathroom stall
For three minutes
Felt like a year had passed

Until it flashed
And the plastic told

I was.

Something I never wanted to be

 A quick cry
A hasty breakdown

Life divergent point at 8:30 AM

Work at 9:00 AM
I thought about not telling you
Leaving for Europe in a week

I couldve had everything over and done with

Easing back into my bodys natural rhythm
Before you even came home

When I did
You blamed yourself
Life is always about you
But this is only half you
But its completely me

Inside of me

We know what needs to be done

Whether you like it or not

I had an ultrasound the day you left

We had a fight

You still kissed me goodbye

As I slowly began to stop caring
That I was completely alone
 On an extra break at work
I begin to nip at my buds

"They said about 5 weeks.

:Yes.
"No.
"No.
"Tricyclen Lo.
"Thats it.
"Tuesdays work.
"Okay.
"Thank you.

From the employee bathroom

A clandestine call

A heavy heart
During business hours
 The appointment was made

9:00 AM
May 9th

The day after Mothers Day

I wish this was made up

I wish this irony

So cruel and so poetic
Was just a cliche plot device

And not my life

 When a loved one dies
People bring you casseroles

"Make sure you eat

Even if your stomach has found a new home
In your chest

The night before

I made myself a casserole
Mac and cheese
My favourite
A small comfort

Out of fatigue
Out of grief
Out of guilt
With extra cheese
Davisville Station
In transit
I always did my best thinking

A girl in a U of T sweater
Furiously reading chemistry notes
On the red plush bus seat
Because I was creating a void
Inside of me

Im thankful class isnt in session

How would I explain
Missing classes, assignments

How would I justify

Putting out this fire
Ripping into me and removing
An unwelcome guest
A parasite

I picture myself
Filling out medical forms
For academic accommodation
For my body being a poor host
For my mind
For my hormones
For evicting
An even bigger affront to my education
My wellbeing
My future
My life
Is not your life
 I woke up on the Dundas Streetcar

Springtime sun and Ativan

I barely remember what just happened
The past few hours numbed
Under my tongue

I realize
The bandages on my arm
The fast food in my lap
The mesh underwear
The stabbing feeling in my midsection

What just happened?

Oh yeah.
I can never tell my mom.

And thats the most heartbreaking part.

 Later
I see my sister
With our sisters in arms

Defending my decision
Inadvertently
And every womans decision

I want to reach out

Thank her
Tell her

But I never do
Because I still dont realize
How heavy I still am
Choice?
Your banner questions
With bloody gory miscarriages
You try to pass me a flyer
Appropriating a mothers pain
To shame those
Saving themselves from motherhood

I scream
Ugly horrible words
Scathing
Ruthless

Choice?
As if I choose to break down on the street
As if I choose to wreck my hormonal cycles
As if I choose to be haunted by what ifs
As if I choose to ruin my relationships

What is my choice?

To be supreme ruler of my body.

To ensure my right to a future that is mine.
To put another human
My human
Doomed from the start
Out of its misery
Even if I had selfish reasons
Even if wasnt careful
Even if it was by force

Its nobodys damn problem

But my own
I shouldve said a million things
About how you have no right to be here
To intimidate women
To scare children
To harass the public
Over false morals

I shouldve asked you

Where you are
When children are hungry
When the marginalized are murdered
When families are broken

I shouldve said a million things

Like how dare you

But all that came out was a big

"Fuck you.
 Theyre online
Theyre on the streets
Theyre on campus

Pricks in my sides
Pricks between my legs
Pricks in my lungs
On through my heart
Around in my blood

When I see them

All progress is lost
I cant move on
Im still the scared girl
In the Loblaws bathroom

Theyre under my skin

Theyre tears in my eyes
Theyre my lack of focus
When I get better
When I get braver
They remind me

And it all comes crashing down.

I dont feel safe at school

I dont feel safe at the mall
I dont feel safe walking home

I dont feel safe

My peers unknowingly
When they stand up
When they fight back
When they resist

They protect me
Because those in power wont

Because "free speech

Because "out of our control
Because "all students voices

And I attend class every day

And I go to work every day
With gaping wounds
I have to dress and redress
Every damn week

And Im just tired

Every season
I walk in the Necropolis
"To clear my head
But I realized
In cold February air
Part of me goes there
To mourn
I mourn what could have been
Killed by what should be

I mourn the love we had

Killed by your guilt
I mourn my youth
Killed by assuming responsibility
I mourn my recovery
Killed by false piety

Ive been isolated, judged, lost

By my choice

But it was the right choice

And its my choice
Only mine

And knowing I am mine

Only mine

Is what seals the wounds

With or without you
I will heal

I will be whole
FIN.