THE DAHLE BROTHERS

"Pilot"
Written by Rodney Ohebsion

Copyright 2017
Series Summary / Character Descriptions:
The Dahle Brothers is a single-camera sitcom about four
brothers: (from oldest to youngest) Owen, Kyle, Jake, and
Quinn.

Owen (43) is a workaholic moneylender who lives in a big

house with his wife Cassie (43) and their daughter Hayden
(6). Cassie wants Owen to work less, and spend more time at
home with her and Hayden.

Kyle (42) lives in a modest apartment, has never been

married, and is in an on-and-off relationship with Brooke
(35). Hes usually unemployed, and is financially supported
by Owen.
Jake (36) lives in the same apartment building and on the
same floor as Kyle. He is divorced. Jake and Kyle are best
friends, despite their much different personalities: Kyle is
an outgoing, high energy, frat boy type whos unwilling to
completely commit to a woman or hold a job, while Jake is
more low key, and is looking for a meaningful relationship
with a soul mate type. Jake runs a gym with Quinn.

Quinn (35) lives in the same apartment building as Jake and

Kyle, only hes one floor above them. Quinn is married to
Valerie (35), who has nine sisters, and works at her
familys bakery. Valerie is Mexican, and Quinn often makes
reference to the fact. Quinn is very likable, despite the
fact that he often says inappropriate things. Hes also the
kind of guy who always finds himself in some crazy, awkward
situation.
The series is similar to Modern Family, in that it features
an extended family, and it has about four plots per episode.
The series is also similar to Sex and the City Seasons 4
through 6, being that this show features four friends in
their mid 30s to early 40s who hang out a lot and have
different relationship statuses. Theres the
never-been-married 42 year old, the divorced 36 year old,
and the newly married 35 year old. The only character who
departs form the Sex and the City formula is Owen, the 43
year old whos been married for a while.
The shows style of humor, however, is way more "sitcomy"
than what you tend to find in Sex and the City and even
Modern Family. The Dahle Brothers is a conventional sitcom
to a major extent, but with some distinctly modern
elements.
 2.

INT. KYLES APARTMENT (LIVING ROOM) - DAY

KYLE (42) and BROOKE (35) are sitting on the sofa and
watching TV.
KYLE
Im about to say something
romantic.
BROOKE
OK.

KYLE
I love it when we just hang out
here like this, sitting next to
each other, enjoying each others
smells.

BROOKE
Enjoying each others smells? Is
that what were doing?
KYLE
Yeah.
(sniffs her neck)
Brooke. Without you here, my
apartment wouldnt smell right.
BROOKE
... Are you asking me to move in
with you?
KYLE
(changes tone)
Uh. Well. Im just saying that I
love you, and I love having you
around here as my girlfriend, who
also has her own apartment.
Brooke stares at him.

BROOKE
Well. I mean, maybe its time for
us to take the next step in our
relationship.

KYLE
... Brooke. Do you want to know why
male tigers always have such good
relationships with female tigers?
 3.

BROOKE
No.

KYLE
Its because they have separate
apartments. In the wild. But zoo
tigers are different. Whenever you
go to the zoo, and you see a tiger
living together 24/7 with his
girlfriend, theres no romance
between them. Its just, you know.
A boring relationship.
BROOKE
Kyle.

She closes his nostrils.

BROOKE
Stop smelling me, and start telling
me where this relationship is
headed.
KYLE
Well. I love you. And I think about
you all the time.

She lets go of his nose.

KYLE
Wait here for a second.

He walks to the fridge, and brings back a container of

orange juice.
KYLE
A container of orange juice.

BROOKE
What about it?
KYLE
I dont drink orange juice at all.
I only drink apple juice. But I
always buy orange juice, because I
know you like it.
BROOKE
Thats great. Your juice speech was
very lovely. But Im looking for a
relationship with a man who wants
to wake up every morning next to
me, and then drink juice with me,
seven mornings a week.
 4.

KYLE
Well. Listen. Theres this gorilla
at the zoo...
BROOKE
Kyle--shut your mouth, and explain
why you dont think we should live
together!
Kyle opens his mouth as if to say something, and then closes
it with a confused look on his face.

KYLE
When two people...
BROOKE
I said shut your mouth!

KYLE
Brooke. I love you, but Im not
ready to live with you.
BROOKE
Well. Im 35. I want someone who is
ready to live with me.
KYLE
Are you seriously inflating your
age just to pressure me into having
you move in here?
BROOKE
I am 35.
KYLE
Thats not the number you gave me.
BROOKE
Yeah! I gave you a lower number...
when we started dating, five years
ago! I guess you forgot to add five
to my age, because we keep on
breaking up every year before my
birthday comes around.
KYLE
Listen. I just want you to know
that even during those five or ten
times when we were broken up, I
always, always, kept orange juice
in the fridge.
 5.

INT. GYM - NIGHT

Kyles brother OWEN (43) is working out on a machine. His
brothers JAKE (36) and QUINN (35) are seated on machines
nearby. Quinn and Jake are wearing shirts indicating that
they work for the gym. Quinn gets up.

QUINN
(to Owen)
You want a drink?

OWEN
Uh. Yeah. Let me get a red
Gatorade.
QUINN
(to Jake)
You want anything?
JAKE
No.
QUINN
Just get something.
JAKE
Fine. Get me a protein shake.
QUINN
Yeah. Thats good. Its the most
expensive drink we got.
Quinn walks over to a nearby vending machine and buys the
two drinks, while Jake and Owen talk.

JAKE
So hows my investment doing?
OWEN
Its fine. Youre getting a 12%
return. But, you know. 12% of
$30,000 is not that much money. You
should probably invest more with
me.
JAKE
Well. The thing is, I dont trust
you.
OWEN
How come?
 6.

JAKE
Uncle Sanford told me youre
running a Ponzi scheme.
OWEN
Uncle Sanford is a conspiracy
theorist who thinks Ryan Seacrest
is a reptilian alien.
JAKE
Thats true.

Quinn hands them their drinks.

OWEN
Thanks.

QUINN
I like buying drinks here. It makes
me feel like Im making money.
JAKE
How does it make you feel like
youre making money?
QUINN
Because. We own the vending
machine.

JAKE
Yeah. But youre buying drinks from
yourself. Im pretty sure theres
no profit when you buy stuff from
yourself.

QUINN
I know. Im just saying. It makes
me feel like Im making money.
OWEN
Well. You guys own the gym, too.
You might as well pay yourself $50
a month for a membership, so youll
feel like youre making that $50.
QUINN
Thats a good idea.

JAKE
I dont think it is, Quinn.
 7.

OWEN
Anyways, I gotta go.

QUINN
You just got here five minutes ago.
OWEN
Whats your point?

Owen leaves.
Quinn gets up.
QUINN
Im gonna go, you know. Do some
paperwork.
JAKE
Let me guess. Youre gonna join the
gym for $50 a month.

QUINN
Im also gonna make you join for
$50 a month. Give me your banks
routing number.

INT. OWEN AND CASSIES HOME (BEDROOM) - NIGHT

CASSIE (42) is seated and reading a magazine. Owen is lying
on a bed, and looking exhausted.
OWEN
Im beat.
CASSIE
Thats probably because you were at
work for 12 and a half hours.

OWEN
I wasnt at work for 12 and a half
hour. I was at work for 12 hours,
and then I went to the gym for a
half hour.

CASSIE
Dont go to the gym and exhaust
yourself. Just come home.
OWEN
Listen, Cassie. Im trying to live
a balanced life. So, I go to the
gym, I get some exercise, and I
hang out with Quinn and Jake.
 8.

CASSIE
I know. Thats great. Its just, I
feel like youd rather hang out
with your brothers than hang out
with me, and youd rather be at
work more than be anywhere else.
OWEN
Come on, baby. You know Im all
about you.
CASSIE
Well. Those are some mightily fine
words. But Confucius said, "Talk is
cheap."

OWEN
Confucius said a lot of stuff. He
said, "Man who live in glass house,
dress in basement."

CASSIE
Owen. Just, you know. Dont be a
workaholic.
OWEN
Did the Buddha say that?

CASSIE
Im saying it!
OWEN
Well. How about a little
appreciation for all my hard work?
CASSIE
You know, I appreciate you more
when youre actually with me.

OWEN
OK. Im here right now. Go ahead
and appreciate me. Take off your
clothes.
CASSIE
You think Im gonna have sex with
you tonight, after hearing you
defend your 85 hour workweek.
OWEN
Who said anything about having sex?
I just want you to get naked and
then dance around. Im way too
tired to have sex.
 9.

CASSIE
You better not be too tired for
sex! Were definitely having sex
tonight!

OWEN
You just said you didnt want to
have sex with me.
CASSIE
That was when I thought you wanted
to have sex. Now that I know you
dont want to have sex, were
definitely gonna have sex.
OWEN
Honey. I think you just threatened
to rape me.
CASSIE
The point is, we have plenty of
money, and you dont need to work
85 hours a week.

OWEN
What about Kyle?
CASSIE
What about him?

OWEN
I need to support him.
CASSIE
Hes your brother, and hes 42. Let
him make his own living.
OWEN
Hes not really the type to make
his own living.

CASSIE
Whatever. You give him three grand
a month--right?
OWEN
Yeah.
CASSIE
Well. You know how much money you
made this month in interest
payments? $118,000.
 10.

OWEN
You say that like its a bad thing.
CASSIE
Its a great thing. But the point
is, you can support Kyle and a
hundred other people, without
working 85 hours a week.
His cell phone rings on the night stand next to him.

CASSIE
You better not get that.
OWEN
Why not?

CASSIE
Because its probably work-related.
He stares at her for a few seconds. He then starts reaching
for the phone.

She grabs the phone before he can.

OWEN
Give me that!
CASSIE
Come get it!
She runs out of the room. Owen pauses for a second, and then
gets up and goes after her.

INT. QUINN AND VALERIES APARTMENT (BEDROOM) - NIGHT

VALERIE (35, Mexican) is reading a magazine.
Quinn enters.

QUINN
Im gonna go downstairs and borrow
some beers from Jake.
VALERIE
We have beer in the fridge.
QUINN
Honey. You know I dont drink that
Bud Light stuff. Thats a Mexican
beverage. Your cousins drink
coolers full of Bud Light after
(MORE)
 11.

QUINN (contd)
they play soccer at the park. Im
white. White people like me, we run
on Coors and Michelob, and we have
no interest in soccer.

INT. JAKES APARTMENT - NIGHT

The doorbell rings. Jake opens the door to reveal Kyle.

JAKE
Hey.
KYLE
Hey.
JAKE
Whats going on?
KYLE
I want to talk about relationships
and stuff. You know. Like those
girls do on Sex and the City. Can I
come in?
JAKE
If you can tolerate the mess.
KYLE
Now only can I tolerate it, I can
contribute to it.

He takes off his shirt and throws it into the room.

GINA (25, attractive) walks by the hall and sees them.
KYLE
Gina.

GINA
Uh. Hi, Kyle.
KYLE
This isnt what it looks like. Hes
my brother, and we were just having
a contest to see who has the sexier
stomach.
GINA
I know hes your brother.
(to Jake)
Hi, Jake.
 12.

JAKE
Hi.
KYLE
(to Gina)
So, do you want to join the sexy
stomach contest? All you have to do
is drink some tequila and take off
your shirt.
GINA
I think Ill pass. You two have
fun.
KYLE
You know, we have another brother
who lives in apartment 307. You
might like him more than you like
us. Hes married---but you have my
permission to go up there and drink
some tequila.
GINA
I know your brother Quinn. Im in a
Pilates class with his wife.
Quinn walks out of the elevator and towards them.
KYLE
And theres the man of the hour.
QUINN
Uh. Hey guys. Hey Gina.
(to Kyle)
Is this some kind of shirts versus
skins thing?

INT. JAKES APARTMENT - NIGHT

(Later)
Jake, Kyle, and Quinn sitting on a sofa. Kyle is still
shirtless. Quinn is drinking a can of Coors beer. Jake is
playing the NES video game Mega Man 2.

KYLE
Dont you think its time for you
to upgrade from your 1983 Nintendo
Entertainment System?
 13.

JAKE
Dont you think its time for you
to put on a shirt?
Kyle takes his short off of the floor and puts it on.

JAKE
So. You said something about
relationships.
KYLE
Right. Yeah. Me and Brooke. We
just broke up.
QUINN
You guys break up three times a
year.

KYLE
Quinn. Im trying to have a serious
Sex and the City style talk about
relationships.

JAKE
Whyd you and Brooke break up?
KYLE
Well, Miranda. You see,
Brooke wanted to move in with me.
And I couldnt wiggle my way out of
it. And she broke up with me. Can
you believe her?
JAKE
Absolutely. Just ask her to move in
with you.
KYLE
Bro. Im a tiger. Tigers live
alone. As opposed to penguins, like
my brother Quinn here.
QUINN
Im a penguin?
KYLE
Married men are penguins. They wear
tuxedos, and they spend every night
with their significant other. Now
can we please do some
brainstorming, and figure out how
Im gonna get Brooke back? ... I
got it. Brookes friend Karen just
(MORE)
 14.

KYLE (contd)
got divorced. Jake. Ill set you up
with her. Then you can use her to
get me and Brooke back together.
Its a perfect plan.

JAKE
No thanks.
KYLE
Listen, You and Karen are a perfect
match for each other. After all,
shes divorced, youre divorced.
Ill set you up with her.
JAKE
No more dates for me. Whats the
point of dating? Ive been on five
dates over the past year, and none
of them have gotten me anywhere.
QUINN
I thought you said you slept with
that other girl. The redhead.
JAKE
But me and her--we didnt have a
connection. You know. Like you and
Valerie, and
(to Kyle)
you and Brooke.
KYLE
Uh. Have you been listening? Brooke
and I broke up.
JAKE
It doesnt matter. You and her have
a connection. A meaningful
relationship. Thats what Im
looking for.
KYLE
Meaningful relationship? You know,
you kind of sound like a woman
right now.

QUINN
Thats true.
 15.

INT. QUINN AND VALERIES APARTMENT - DAY

Quinn wakes up, and sees Valerie organizing a drawer and
testing pens for ink.
QUINN
You look busy.
VALERIE
Im just organizing this drawer.
QUINN
Are you testing each individual pen
to see if they have ink?

VALERIE
Yes.
QUINN
... OK.

VALERIE
... It sounds like you want to make
some comment.
QUINN
Honey. You know Im not one of
those obnoxious husbands who
constantly make comments on stuff
like that.
VALERIE
Youre not?
QUINN
No. But, since you brought it up, I
mean, let me just say this. What
kind of a nutcase spends time
checking every pen for ink?
VALERIE
Great comment, Quinn. It wasnt
obnoxious at all.

QUINN
You know what? Its actually cute
the way you check every pen for
ink. Its a little bit aggravating.
But since I love you so much, its
cute. Im gonna take a picture, and
put it on Instagram, and write,
"Its so cute, the way my wife does
stuff like check pens for ink."
 16.

VALERIE
How lovely.

QUINN
So, what do you want to do today?
VALERIE
I gotta go to Celias house to help
her plan Carmens quincienera. You
want to come?
QUINN
Hell no.
VALERIE
Quinn. Just a little advice. When
someone asks you to go do something
and you want to say no, you gotta
do it with, you know, tact, and
etiquette. You dont just say hell
no. You think of a fake excuse.

QUINN
Honey. You know much I dislike
thinking. Anyways, how about you
hop in bed and I make love to you
for a few hours?

VALERIE
Hell no.
QUINN
You cant just say hell no. Give me
a fake excuse.
VALERIE
OK. I have some feminine menstrual
stuff going on.

QUINN
I dont mind. As a matter of fact,
that turns me on even more.
VALERIE
Fine. You talked me into it. Lets
get busy.
QUINN
Yeah! Touchdown! And to really put
you in the mood, Im gonna strip to
an Usher song.
He plays an Usher song on his iPhone, and takes off his
shirt like hes a stripper.
 17.

Valeria watches him, but then goes back to organizing the

desk. She notices a slip of paper.
VALERIE
This gift certificate is about to
expire.

QUINN
Honey. Dont change the subject.
Im stripping here.

VALERIE
Thats great, Quinn. But this is a
gift certificate for a one hour
massage. Its worth $50.
QUINN
Fine. Use it.
VALERIE
I cant. I have to go to my
sisters house.

QUINN
Fine. Ill use the gift
certificate.
VALERIE
You will?

QUINN
Sure. A massage sounds, um--I dont
know. Ive never done the massage
thing. But, Ill try it out. Now,
should I continue stripping?

VALERIE
We better skip to the main event.
Ive gotta leave here in ten
minutes.

QUINN
No problem. I can do the main event
in five minutes.

INT. APARTMENT HALLWAY (NEAR TRASH CHUTE) - DAY

Kyle throws his trash down the chute. Jake walks over to the
chute with a bag of trash.
 18.

JAKE
Hey.
KYLE
Hey.

JAKE
Can I talk to you for a second?
KYLE
Yes. You dont need to ask my
permission.
JAKE
Well. I meant, can I talk to you in
private.

KYLE
You dont want the trash to hear?

INT. MASSAGE PARLOR OR SPA - DAY

Quinn enters wand walks up to an EMPLOYEE (40, female)

seated behind a desk.
QUINN
Hey. Hows it going? I, uh--Im new
to all this massage stuff.
(hands her the gift
certificate)
I got this gift certificate.
EMPLOYEE
Alright. Well. Lets see. Joe is
available. He can get started right
now.
QUINN
Joe?

EMPLOYEE
Yeah.
QUINN
Joe as in Joanne?

EMPLOYEE
No.
QUINN
Josephine?
 19.

EMPLOYEE
Just Joe.

QUINN
You mean a man?
EMPLOYEE
Yeah. Is that a problem?

QUINN
No. Well. I mean, I dont know.
Ive never been, you know, touched
like that by man. But, you know.
Its just a massage. I, uh--Im OK
with, uh, whatever. I mean, Im not
homophobic or anything.
EMPLOYEE
Im sure youre not.
QUINN
It sounds like you dont believe
me.
EMPLOYEE
I believe you.

QUINN
Listen. Im not homophobic. My wife
is Mexican.
EMPLOYEE
What does that have to do with not
being homophobic?
QUINN
Well. You know. Homophobic white
men, uh--they dont marry Mexican
women. I mean, how often do you
hear a white guy say something
like, "I dont want these gays
marrying each other and stuff. Now
if youll excuse me, I gotta get
home to my wife Consuela. Shes
making chimichangas for dinner
tonight."
EMPLOYEE
Sir. Youve made your point. Now do
you want Joe to massage you, or do
you want to wait 45 minutes for
female masseuse who will be a
better fit for your non-homophobia?
 20.

QUINN
Uh. Well. Uh. Give me the guy. Joe.
Thats fine.

INT. JAKES APARTMENT - DAY

Jake is talking to Kyle.
JAKE
I saw Gina last night.

KYLE
I know. I saw her, too. I was there
with you.
JAKE
No. I mean after that. I saw her
again.
KYLE
OK? And?

JAKE
And we didnt really have a
connection. But last night. You
know. I saw her. I saw her stomach.
And more.

KYLE
You slept with her?
JAKE
Well. I didnt mean to. I was just
at the trash chute, and she was
there, and she asked me for help
with some new toaster she bought.
So I went to her apartment, and I
set up her toaster, and we started
talking about a Jeaneanne Garafalo
movie, and then she told me
something about how she plays the
cello.
KYLE
... And?

JAKE
And thats it.
KYLE
What about the part where you slept
with her?
 21.

JAKE
Right. That happened after we
talked about her cello. And, um,
then I spent the night there. And
when we got up, we had some toast.
She said she didnt have to be
anywhere until 2. So I told her I
had to go to work. And I left. I
went to Dunkin Donuts.
KYLE
Good thinking. The next time Im
avoiding a woman Ive slept with,
Ill go to Dunkin Donuts, too. Let
me just ask one question. How come
Gina has never asked me to set up
her toaster?

JAKE
I gotta move to a new building.
KYLE
Why?

JAKE
Because Im gonna come across Gina
over and over again in the
hallways, and the elevator, and the
laundry room, and near the
mailboxes.
KYLE
So. Just keep on sleeping with her.
JAKE
But my conversation with her last
night wasnt that great--and our
morning conversation was even
worse.
KYLE
Whats your point?
JAKE
I dont have a meaningful
relationship with her. I live six
doors down from a woman I had a one
night stand with. I dont want to
keep coming across her.
KYLE
Bro--just... whatever.
 22.

JAKE
Thats a great suggestion, Kyle.

KYLE
Just tell her something like, "I
like you, and last night was
great--but I had just broken up
with my girlfriend that afternoon.
And now Im back together with her.
Weve been dating for three years."
JAKE
But there is no girlfriend. And
last night wasnt great.

KYLE
Um. Have you ever heard of
something called lying?
JAKE
So now I have to create a fake
relationship, and maintain it every
day in front of Gina?
KYLE
What do you mean every day? Just
mention your girlfriend to Gina
once, and thatll do the job.
JAKE
OK. That settles it. Im moving out
of here.

INT. MASSAGE ROOM - DAY

Quinn is in the room. Hes in his boxer shorts. His masseuse
JOE (30) enters.

JOE
Hey. Im Joe.
QUINN
Im Quinn.

JOE
Nice to meet you Quinn. Just lie on
your stomach, and lets get
started.

QUINN
Uh. OK.
Quinn lies on the massage table. Joe starts massaging him.
 23.

JOE
Alright. This is the Swedish deep
tissue technique.

QUINN
Thats, uh, yeah. Id imagine
thats how they do things in
Sweden. Northern Europe. Great
place. I think. I hear its really
cold over there. So, yeah. Sweden.
... Um. Can I ask you a question?
JOE
Sure.

QUINN
Is it normal to get an erection?
JOE
Yeah.

QUINN
Well then can you get it out of my
face?
JOE
Oh. Um. Yeah. Sure. I just, uh, you
know. Well. I just got my massage
license. And, uh, I havent got
that part down yet.
QUINN
You mean the part where you dont
have an erection in your clients
face?
JOE
Well. Yeah. I guess thats the part
Im still learning.
QUINN
OK. Thats great and all. But, uh,
you know.

JOE
What? You want the shiatsu massage
instead of the Swedish massage?
QUINN
No. I mean, unless the shiatsu
massage is rated G. As opposed the
current, R rated massage Im
getting.
 24.

JOE
Sir. I can assure that this is, um,
not even PG-13. Its non-sexual.
You see, when you give or receive a
massage, it produces a hormonal
response that can lead to, you
know. That type of arousal. Its
not sexual. Its a hormonal
response. Its basic endocrinology.
QUINN
... Mm hm. Very interesting. So
youre saying that
endocrinologically speaking, your
erection is rated G.
JOE
Uh. I guess you can say that.
QUINN
Great. You can say that. Im not so
sure I want to repeat it. I mean,
listen. I appreciate the
endocrinology lesson. But, um, I
think it would be better for me to,
you know... be switched over to
another masseuse. I mean, its not
you. Its me. And to some extent,
its your erection.

INT. MASSAGE PARLOR OR SPA - DAY

Quinn enters the room and walks up to the Employee from
before.
QUINN
I, uh, the whole thing with Joe. It
didnt work out. And, uh, you know.

EMPLOYEE
You want a different masseuse?
QUINN
Yeah. But, uh--its not what you
think.

EMPLOYEE
OK. No explanation necessary. Carol
is available. Shes a woman.
However, she might be a little too
masculine for your taste, being
that she watches sports and drinks
(MORE)
 25.

EMPLOYEE (contd)
beer. If you wait 30 minutes,
Barbie will be available.
QUINN
Just give me Carol.
EMPLOYEE
Yes, sir.
QUINN
Its not what youre thinking,
though.
EMPLOYEE
I know. Your wife is Mexican.

QUINN
Yeah. I mean. Yeah. You know what I
mean.
Joe enters the room.

JOE
Listen. Quinn. Can I just talk to
you about what happened?
QUINN
Uh. Well. I guess. I mean, for the
record, nothing happened.
JOE
Well. Something happened.

QUINN
Yeah. I mean, no. I mean, can we
discuss this in private. Not that
theres anything private to
discuss. Just, uh, lets go over
there.

JOE
Listen. About what happened. That
was out of line. My, you know.
QUINN
Its OK.
JOE
I can assure you, though, that it
really wasnt sexual.
 26.

QUINN
I got it. OK. Can we talk about
something else now? How about
sports? Do you like sports? How
about them Cowboys?

JOE
Im not gay, by the way.
QUINN
OK. yeah.

JOE
Really. Its just, you know.
QUINN
I know. Endocrinology. OK. Great
talk. This is a great talk weve
had. And Im gonna go see Carol
now.
JOE
Yeah. Um. Just, uh--I just, uh, I
really dont want you to leave a
review on Yelp about my erection.
QUINN
Joe. Im pretty sure they dont let
people review boners on Yelp.

JOE
I meant, you know, a review of this
massage parlor. I hope you dont
leave a review that says, "Joe
massaged me, and he tried to have
gay intercourse with me." That
review could damage my reputation,
even if its a 5 star review.
QUINN
I understand. I wont leave a
review. Now, um, Im gonna go see
Carol now.
JOE
Im not gay.

QUINN
Me neither. Earlier today, I had
sex with my wife for four and a
half minutes.
 27.

JOE
Yeah. Me, too. Except, I dint have
sex with your wife for four and a
half minute. I had sex with my
girlfriend.
QUINN
For how long?

JOE
I dont know. Am I supposed to time
it?

INT. APARTMENT HALLWAY (NEAR ELEVATOR) - NIGHT

Jake is waiting for the elevator. It opens to reveal Gina.

GINA
Hi.

JAKE
Hi.
She walks out of the elevator. Jake remains in the hallway.
GINA
Hows it going?
JAKE
Im moving.
GINA
Youre moving?
JAKE
No. What I meant to say was, I have
a girlfriend.

GINA
I see.
JAKE
Yeah. My girlfriend. She, uh, she
has black hair. Light black. Dark
brown. Or light black. You can call
it light black. Or dark brown. Its
sort of in between light black and
dark brown. I think on her drivers
license, it says brown. Or
black. And, you know, youre great,
and I had a really good time with
you. But last night, I had just
broken up with my girlfriend.
 28.

GINA
The one with dark brown hair?

JAKE
Yeah. We broke up yesterday. At 2
oclock. 2:15. And then we got back
together today. At 5:30. You know.
Weve been together for three
years. We met on a Wednesday. Hows
your toaster doing, by the way?
GINA
My toaster is fine. Thanks for
asking.

JAKE
Yeah. So, uh, I saw my girlfriend
after I was with you. And we got
back together. But it had nothing
to do with you. Youre great. I
actually prefer you to my
girlfriend. Well, I mean, I, um....
Im moving. Maybe. I might move.
... So, uh--if you have any
problems with your toaster, just
spray it with some WD-40.

INT. OWEN AND CASSIES HOME (BEDROOM) - DAY

Owen wakes up in bed, with Cassie lying next to him, asleep.
He gets out of the bed without waking her up, and walks to
the bathroom.

INT. OWEN AND CASSIES HOME (LIVING ROOM) - DAY

Owen is now dressed, and about to walk out the door. Cassie
sees him. Shes in her sleeping clothes.
CASSIE
Where the hell are you going?
OWEN
Um. What do you mean?
CASSIE
I mean, its Saturday. We agreed
that you wouldnt go to work today.

OWEN
It, uh--Im just going to Dennys,
for a Saturday morning breakfast.
 29.

CASSIE
Since when do you eat breakfast at
Dennys? You usually eat untoasted
Pop Tarts in your office.

OWEN
Honey--Im going to Dennys.
CASSIE
Fine. Ill go with you. Wait for a
few minutes while I go shower and
get dressed.
OWEN
Cassie--Im very hungry. I need to
go to Dennys right now.

CASSIE
Oh. Well I didnt realize you were
such a fan of Rooty-Tootie-Fresh n
Fruities.
OWEN
Well. I like them a lot.
CASSIE
Dennys doesnt even have the Rooty
Tootie Fresh n Fruity. IHOP
does. Youve never even been in a
Dennys before!
OWEN
Honey--I dont see what the big
deal is. I just want to go to my
office for a few hours. Its not
like Im having an affair.
CASSIE
You might as well have an affair.
Because youre basically cheating
on me with your office. You have an
intimate relationship with it.
OWEN
Hey. I always keep my pants on when
Im in my office.

HAYDEN (6) walks into the room.

HAYDEN
Mommy. Can I have French toast for
breakfast?
 30.

CASSIE
Actually, your father is gonna take
all of us to Dennys for breakfast.
(to Owen)
Right, honey?

OWEN
Well. Can we go to IHOP instead?

INT. DINER - DAY

Quinn and Valerie are eating breakfast at a table.

Joe enters and notices Quinn. He walks up to Quinns table
while Quinn is drinking milk.

JOE
Quinn?
Quinn does a sort of spit take.
QUINN
Uh. Yeah. Hi.
JOE
Hey. Hows it going?
QUINN
Its going fine.
VALERIE
Quinn. Arent you gonna introduce
me to your friend?

QUINN
Hell no.
JOE
I, uh--Im Joe. I gave Quinn a
massage yesterday.
VALERIE
OK. Um. Its nice to meet you, Joe.
Im Quinns wife, Valerie.

JOE
Great to meet you. So, Quinn. How
was Carol?
VALERIE
Carol?
 31.

QUINN
My masseuse.
VALERIE
I thought you said Joe was your
massuese.
QUINN
Well. He was. But, you know. Then I
moved on to Carol.

VALERIE
Interesting. Why?
QUINN
Well. The coupon you gave me. It
was for two massages.

VALERIE
No it wasnt.
QUINN
Right. But, like, whatever. Hows
your orange juice?
VALERIE
Quinn. What the hell is going on?

QUINN
Nothings going on. I just, uh--I
switched from Joe to Carol.
Because, um--Joe injured his wrist
while he was massaging me.

JOE
No I didnt.
QUINN
Are you sure?

JOE
Oh. I get it. Uh. Yeah. My wrist.
It hurts. Ow.
VALERIE
Quinn. Tell me what happened.

QUINN
Listen. Its, um
JOE
Miss. I can assure you that my
erection was rated G.
 32.

VALERIE
What?

QUINN
What hes saying is, um. You know.
VALERIE
Quinn. Are you a closet homosexual?

QUINN
What? No. Honey. Its me. Quinn.
Im not a closet homosexual. I
dont even believe in closets. I
throw my clothes all over the
floor. You know that.

VALERIE
So then explain this whole thing.
JOE
Let me expalin.

QUINN
Id kind of rather you didnt, Joe.
JOE
(To Valerie)
Listen. First of all, Im not gay.
QUINN
Great start.

JOE
(to Valerie)
Im straight. But, I was massaging
Quinn. And, um, you know.
VALERIE
He asked you out on a date?
QUINN
Honey. Im not gay. Me and Joe are
straight.

JOE
Right. But, um, during the massage,
I got aroused. Just physically. You
know. It was just hormones. Its a
hormonal response.

QUINN
Yes. Exactly, Joe. Tell her about
the endocrinology.
 33.

JOE
Yeah. Its basic endocrinology .
When you massage someone else,
sometimes your body produces
certain hormones. You can read
about it on Wikipedia.
QUINN
(to Valerie)
Honey. Look it up, Wikipedia.

VALERIE
I get it. I get it. Joe. Thank you
for the explanation.
JOE
Certainly. And might I say that
your husband has very supple skin.
QUINN
OK, Joe. Thank you.
VALERIE
No problem. Enjoy your meal.
Joe walks away.
QUINN
Honey. We gotta stop going to
Dennys. All kinds of crazy people
come in here.
Owen enters, and holds the door open for Cassie ans his
kids.

OWEN
Uh. Isnt that Owen?
QUINN
Owen doesnt eat at Dennys. Wait a
second. That is Owen.

INT. JAKES APARTMENT - NIGHT

The doorbell rings. Jake opens it to reveal Kyle.

KYLE
Whats up, bro? Check it out.
(he holds up a Nintendo game)
I got you a new Nintendo game. I
was at a friends house, and he had
it in a box of old stuff.
 34.

(Cut to later)
Jake and Kyle are playing Nintendo.
JAKE
I talked to Gina.

KYLE
How did it go?
JAKE
Um. Pretty good. By the way, if she
asks, I have a girlfriend with dark
brown hair. Or light black.

INT. OWEN AND CASSIES HOME (BEDROOM) - NIGHT

Owen is talking to Cassie.

OWEN
I havent been to the office in 20
hours.

CASSIE
And how does that feel?
OWEN
It feels good. I had a good time
with you and the kids. But, the
thing is, not going to work--it
feels bad. But being with you and
the kids feels great. But, you
know. I have an office, and work,
and uh... I mean, the thing is,
maybe I do have a little bit of an
addiction.
CASSIE
OK. Now repeat after me. "Hi, Im
Owen, and Im a workaholic."
OWEN
Fine. Im a workaholic. I admit it.
What do you want me to do?

CASSIE
Work less.
OWEN
Well. Ill try to come home at 9
oclock every once in a while.
 35.

CASSIE
7:30, twice a week. And were going
to IHOP next Sunday.
OWEN
Ill do you one better. Ill take
you to McDonalds for breakfast.
But not this Sunday. I got a lot of
work to do this Sunday.