The Rose

and
Its Petals
By Carolina Valdes

1
Table Of Contents:

3 . New Years
4 . Waves
5 . What I Write About
6 . Discrimination
7 . The Stars
8 . Where Have You Gone Big Brother?
11 . Family Tree
12 . Identity
16. Getting Lost
17 . A Mess
20 . Sickness
23 . Group Poem
25 . Don't Come Back
28 . Our Story
30 . Silence
31 . Drug
32 . Grow Up
33 . Exquisite Corpse
34 . Your Dog
35 . Taste
36 . Carolina Valdes

2
New Years

Lets pretend I never existed

And that you're a lot happier this year
Let's pretend for one goddamn second that I'm okay
Okay?
Because I'm so tired of dwelling on you
I'm tired of hearing the same old joke slip from my lips
The the point where it's tiring everyone else
Let's pretend I'm alright
And you are too

3
Waves

I'm tired of people asking me about my future

As if I know where I'm going in life
I let the waves carry me
Going with the flow is all I've ever known
They scrape me against the rocks
But I don't cover up the cuts
I let the salt of the sea burn the open wounds
So that later they may scar and tell a story
Writing words in my skin to yell at the heavens
That I made it

4
What I Write About

I write because I was taught that it is the most powerful weapon I have
Because to write is to think and to think is to live and to live is to exist
And we all exist
In this small sphere floating in the universe
Revolving around a star that will eventually die out
Collapse into itself
I write because even with all the living around me I don't feel alive
The only way I find myself is in the ink I've spilt on the paper
Because the words I don't know how to speak somehow fall effortlessly
off the pen
Creating the picture of who I am
I write because it's all that I've got
When friends leave and family no longer matters
Empty sheets welcome me with open arms

5
Discrimination

The night I asked my mom why her tears spilled on the floor
She only shook her head in response
Straightening her back to give me a crooked smile and mumble
It's nothing
Later I asked my dad why they were fighting in the room next to mine
Screaming to their hearts contents about the build passed due and the
money they didn't have
As if the walls were soundproof
And I wouldn't listen
They tell me I'm too young to understand
That the conversations they have are too mature for me
But I do understand
I'm young but these problems aren't new

6
The Stars

In the stars I find myself

Just as they aren't eternal
I will never be either
We're burning fires in infinite spaces
Waiting for the day we disappear

The stars will never understand

That they mean something to someone
They feel they were only created for others to orbit around
They were made from fire for no one to get too close
For if they did
They would burn

If the stars ever find me it'll be after death

For once that final breath slips out of my lips
I will join them
Only to disappear again

7
Where Have You Gone Big Brother?

Where have you gone big brother?

Learned not to look up to you anymore
Used your girlfriend like a sex toy and thats about it
Said youd leave her for another girl whos a lot more thick
They say a drunk mans words are better than that of a sobers
So tell me why,
Brother,
When you said you loved me I couldnt believe it
Lonely years with no affection from a man I looked up to
Only for a night
Of bullshit words coming from your alcohol lips
That made me question
Everything I was to you

Afraid to tell you this

Tell you anything at all
Because its like I dont even know you anymore
Promised youd be there
For me
Still Im waking up
Hearing mom say you didnt come home to sleep

Where have you gone big brother?

Influenced me and made me just like you
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From the music to the clothes
Got me into rock before I even knew what to call it
Taught me to play songs on the bass
Inspired me to strum the guitar
Taught me what its like to rebel
And made me feel like I should dye my hair
Just to hear you say Im cool
And just like you

Where have you gone big brother?

Saying Ive got no common sense
All for a few little mistakes
Should I remind you,
Big Brother,
That Im not the one drinking
Until Im puking
And Im not the one
Staying out late fucking some girl he likes
Only for her body
Because when she talks,
Oh, brother,
when she talks,
Shes nothing but an immature bitch
Who gets on your nerves

Tell me,
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Brother,
How youre right in front of me
But I still dont know where youve gone?

10
Family Tree

I don't talk about family for a reason

No, I'm not ashamed of my father's tan skin and dark hair
And no, I am definitely not ashamed of my mother's accent when she can't
pronounce an English word

In this family tree

There are many secrets
Words we've kept unspoken for the sake of other branches
We keep our mouths shut hoping no one will ever hear of the wrongs
we've done
We hope that with our secrecy
Our hidden stories will never taint the soil

11
Identity

Yes
We come from the land just below this one
Where culture is one of the many
Many
Things we brought with us
The history of the fallen ones
It runs through our veins
In our blood
Las batallas que han luchado
Mis ancestros
Raiz mexicanas
De aya venimos
Inspired by them
Some believe they were created now
In this moment
To do great things
Because if they could start a revolution
So can they
Because it runs through our veins
It's in our blood
To put up a fight
For what we believe in
Breathing in the same air
That they once took into Saint Francis
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San Jose,
Saint Joseph
Bleeding the blood of three colors
Green, white, and red
The colors that belong to the flag
With an eagle devouring a snake
To state it's independence
Let the past rest now
Hold only it's anecdotes to heart
The past is not meant to be relieved
It should not happen again
Yet it still does
Both mistakes and triumphs of the years before us happen over and over
In a never ending cycle
That for some reason
I feel disconnected from
I cannot see myself doing these things
For the history of my ancestors is not mine
Their blood may be in my veins
But their words will never be in my lips
Because my history is soiled
With blood that's been spilt
From incidents I was never involved in
Expectations are high
Because if they could start a revolution
So could I
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It's what I tell myself
Because if my family tree and history and made up of great people
I should be great
But
Why is it I don't feel great?
Shouldn't I be able to stand up proudly
With my colored blood
And my culture?
Shouldn't I be able to stand up
Scream with courage
"Yo soy Latina!"
Tell me why is it I live in fear then?
Why is it I've been running all my life
From those who call themselves better than me
Than us
Because of where they came from?
Because of the color of their skin?
Oppression is a sickness
Tied to racism
Sexism
And all of the above
I fear for my life to even mention that I come from some place different
Because I have witnessed the hate
I've seen what people will do
And have done

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Because of how they loathe
Every
Single
Thing
That isn't just like them
Because if it isn't white
It isn't perfect
Though it isn't just me
And it isn't just you
How cower in fear
For the sake of ourselves
Our family
To be fair I'm sick of it
Maybe I can't start a rebellion
Maybe
You can't start one either
But one thing's for sure
My ancestors history is not mine

15
Getting Lost

Lost in your words

Sweet like sugar soaking softly into my skin
Making me feel better
Now I'm wasted, wandering and wondering where it went wrong
High off the words you used
Precious, pretty, perfect little doll
I've drowned and got lost in your words

16
A Mess

Our story was a puzzle

Where love didnt fit as a piece
Nothing but two tragic tales tied together by the loose strings
Attached to each other
Expecting love from one another
Only to get other things

We were a war inside ourselves

Made calamity look like beauty
Tried to cover up the scars
And forget all the cruelty
Endless silent battles between us
Only worked to made us wonder
Why we were still in love

Summer nights spent up

Talking things
That now seem meaningless
Hanging ourselves
With nooses from words we spoke
Sweet nothings,
Empty promises
Of course we let each other choke

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Because were so sadistic
We love all the pain
Because were so masochistic
There was no one to blame
Two twisted hearts
Destined to make each other
Fall apart
We grabbed roses from their thorns
To watch blood seep through our fingers
And called it a work of art

The music we played

Still haunts me to this day
Beautifully depressing melodies we love
Singing of running away together
Of making you feel better
Of writing your name with the sun
Only for the shade to come
With sad soft beats
The melody keeps its poetic euphony

Only wanted your attention

Would put myself in danger
Just for your affection
A continuous cycle of hurting and crying
I understand now why you walked away
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This love only seemed to drain
And we both knew
Keeping it alive
Would be insane
But I definitely be lying
If I said I wouldnt do it
All over again

19
Sickness

They say the pills they prescribe will make you feel better
Will make you happy
But only for a little while
They want you to take them because theyre scared for you
They know what youve done
And what youre capable of
They know the stories of all your scars
From the faint bites on your knuckles
To the cuts on your thighs

They know your sickness cant be cured

An eternal headache
Endless throbbing of the brain
Weight on your shoulders you will never be free of
Because if its not the worlds grip you feel around your neck
Its your own
Its a disease that isnt visible on skin
Because a chest wont bruise to show a broken heart
And a head wont spit open for you to see
Inspect every self-loathing thought

Too scared to take the pills

You run to daddy instead
Tell him how you feel like youre going nowhere
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That you really arent sure what to do with yourself
Explain to him that you feel so useless
That lifes beginning to seem pointless
And you find yourself trapped
Doesnt seem to comprehend what youre speaking or asking
Shrugs it off and simply says
God cures all.

Dont you dare tell me to find religion

Ive knelt at the alter
Begged the Lord to make me sane
Looking around all I felt was strained
Began to wonder if these ladies were sobbing because they felt the Holy
Spirit
Or because they felt nothing at all
Assumed they were all secretly empty just like me
Looking for a purpose in someone they cant see

Will never run to mommy because shes always too busy

Taking care of someone elses kid
Or working another shift
Neglects you but doesnt seem to realize
Cant call her out on it though
Only thing shell do is deny
Shes seen all the scars on your body
But doesnt know the stories
21
Que te hiciste? she asks
Turns away because its always hostility with her
Youve learned nothing else from her

Taking in deep breaths with small stutters in between

Making it sound like youve just finished crying
Not sure what to do anymore
Because everyone Im supposed to run to
Cannot help me
This is a different kind of war
Cause youre the only one fighting
Youre your own enemy
And your own army
No pills will fix you
No therapy will work
Depression is a sickness
And my bones have been marked

22
Group Poem

The memories of my past

Haunt my bones
Leaving them shuddering like the walls
After I slam the door
That divides me from the rusty toy box
That grew with me

The next door opens, but I cant see its insides

Its unit and foreboding
But the lantern inside my chest
Warms me and lights my first step into the room

The air in this room is alien to me

I cant quite identify the smell
A bitter scent not familiar to me
Like coffee with sugar poured underneath
Ahead of me I hear the rumbling of cars
Smell the light fragrance of lavender
And start to feel the weight of suit jackets and cement

Before the unknown consumes me

I take one last look back and see light escaping from under the previous
door
Goosebumps raise
23
As the realization of wanting one last look
Freezes my skin
The cold wind of forgetting old friends
And prickling loneliness beginning to tug my sleeve
Convince me to take a step back
Reflect on my past
And riffle through the toy box once more

24
Dont Come Back

Please dont come back

If I wouldve said these words a few months ago
I would say I was crazy
Back then I still believed I needed you
I believed you were my sweet summer feeling of watching the sunset
Through the side mirrors of the car I spent most of my time in
Colors in the sky that made it hard to believe it was a clear blue earlier
that day
Different hues of oranges and pink
Bright yellows fading into dark violets
On those days I listened to music we both loved that talked depression in
California in the most poetic way Ive ever heard
I believed you were the forests I explored on those summer days
A much different setting near a distant and small town that almost
seemed out of fairytale
Population so small it felt like everyone was family
The many branches of pine trees above me covered the sky so I could see
the beauty around me instead
I believed that without you
All of this would go away

See,
I tried to put it into words how I felt like my world was ending when you
left
25
But I couldn't say the sun would stay up in the sky and no longer set
because that isn't true
The sun will always leave and come back
With or without you here
I couldn't say that all forests in the worlds would disappear
Because it'll take centuries for global warming to do that much harm
And by then we both will no longer exist

When that didn't work, I tried to explain that I could no longer see the
sky out my window with the same beauty that I did before
Because the heart that beats inside of me was still broken and bruised
And made me believe that it was impossible for me to feel the tranquillity
I did with you around
I tried to explain that everything I had ever related to you was haunting
me
That late at night I'd count the glow in the dark stars I glued to the walls
until I slept
Because I couldn't bring myself to think at those times
I knew that if I did my mind would slip into the memories of you
When I laid in the dark room only illuminated with the sky behind the
drapes with the window opened and the fan on because summer was
always a little too hot for us
Even when you weren't in bed with me it felt like you laid there by my
side
Talking sweet nothings into my ear through the speaker of my phone
Because maybe you were across the world from me but you always knew
26
what to say to make me feel that for a second
Just a single second
The world wasn't against me

When you left, I could understand why I felt like the stars were falling
out of my sky
You weren't the air in my lungs but you made it easier to breathe
And maybe you weren't around when I felt alone
But I knew you were still there for me
You weren't my sunset nor my forest
But you were there to experience it with me
And I can't thank you enough
Because maybe we really were a mess
But all I saw was the beauty
So thank you but please
Don't come back

27
Our Story

Our story was a puzzle where love didn't fit as a piece

Nothing but two tragic tales tied together by the loose strings
Attached to to each other
Expecting love from one another
Only to get other things

We were a war inside ourselves

Made calamity look like beauty
Tried to cover up the scars
And forget all the cruelty
Endless silent battles between each other
Only worked to make us wonder
Why we were still in love
Summer nights spent up
Talking things that now seem meaningless
Hanging ourselves with nooses from words we spoke
Sweet nothings and empty promises
Of course we'd let each other choke

Because we're so sadistic

We loved all the pain
Because we're so masochistic
There was no one to blame
Two twisted hearts
28
Making each other fall apart
We grabbed roses from their thorns to watch the blood seep through our
hands
And call it a work of art

The music we played

Still haunts me to this day
Beautifully depressing melodies we loved
Singing of running away together and making you feel better
Of writing your name with the sun only for the shade to come
With sad soft beats the melody keeps it's poetic euphony

Only wanted your attention

Would put myself in danger
All for your affection
An endless cycle of hurting and crying
I understand now why you gave me rejection
This relationship only seemed to drain
And we both knew keeping it would he in vain
But I'd definitely be lying if I said I wouldn't do it all over again

29
Silence

I bet when I open the car door

You won't smile at me
You won't tell me you love to hang out with me
Not anymore
You'll stare straight ahead
Watch the rain fall against the glass

Silence will fill the car

We won't talk
You won't ask about my day
Or how I feel today

But you'll ask her

As soon as she's home
You run to give her a hug
Warm her with a tight embrace

I remember how you two used to fight

Days went by and you two didn't talk
But you talked to me
About nothing and everything
You used to talk to me

30
Drug

Nothing but a drug is what you were

A sedative for the brain
My favorite kinda of dopamine
You, you, you
Pills could never make me as happy as you
Temporarily yet extraordinary
The only drug I need
It's you I crave

31
Grow Up

You need to grow up

Stop whining like a baby
No one's going to wipe your tears anymore
No matter what you do your time is up
You have to grown up
Stop seeking attention from other people just because you think your
mommy and daddy never loved you
Because you weren't raised in a stable home
Because all you've ever known is the cold shoulder
Wipe the snot from your nose and quit your crying
Stand up and arm yourself
Because its time to grow up

32
Exquisite Corpse

I am not afraid
Of love
But I'm afraid of you
Actually,
No
It's myself I fear the most
Because I can hurt myself the most
Because I can hurt the people around me
I'm damaged
I don't want to be like this
To tell you the truth
I didn't predict I'd end up here
But your pain is what put me here
Somehow I'll move on
I have to
It's so hard
Though,
I just can't let go of the thought of you

33
Your Dog

I feel like such a dog right now

Even after you left me
Starved me
I perk my ears and wag ny tail for you
I run to you even after all you did
Even with a busted lip and broken bones
I proudly wear your collar
Even after you left me for dead
I came back
It's still evident I'm yours
The rough tugging on the leash have left marks on my neck to remind
others I've got an owner
Whom seemed to have hated every moment I played too rough
Who's going to help now?
All I do these days is bite and bare my teeth
If someone even thinks of coming close
I'm still waiting for you
No matter what the weather
But this time
It really looks like you've left

34
Taste

It's funny how I compared you to the ocean

For it's beauty
For the calming noises it's waves made crashing against the sand and
rocks

I only talked about what I could see

For I didn't know the dangers of stepping into you
Because when I cupped you in my hands
You burned all the cuts I had in my skin

And when I began to drown

I finally tasted you
Water filled my lungs
A gallon a second
Salty and disgusting water that was you
I can't believe I loved you

35
Carolina Valdes

Close to breaking
Already losing myself at a young age
Rolling downhill
Out of control
Lost in feelings I can't contain
Inclined to worsts thoughts
Nowhere near optimistic for myself
Almost gone

Vow I didn't keep

Alone is what I want to be
Loud noises swarming my ears
DTENTE
Everything's crashing around me
Sleep. Just let me sleep.

36