Professional Documents
Culture Documents
Sleight of Mouth PDF
Sleight of Mouth PDF
HARRY ALLEN
Design & Layout by
DANIEL McCARTHY
Write for more information on other titles and
instructional video's from:
L & L Publishing
Quality Magical Literature
P.O. Box 100
Tahoma, California 96 142
I make no claim that all of the humor in this book is my own.
Much of it is. I have taken some of the best known lines in
comedy and adapted them to magic.
Harry Allen
SECOND EDITION
O Copyright 1995 by L (b. L Publishing
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be repro-
duced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or
by any means, electronic, mechanical photocopying, recording
or any information storage and retrieval system now known or
to be invented, without the permission of the publisher.
Printed and bound in the United States of America.
654321
Foreword
I think you have a great book. This is a great bunch of one liners
which magicians and comedians can use all over the world I'm
borrowing some of these jokes myself.
Henny Youngman
Carl Ballantine
Preface
by
John McCollister, Ph.D.
The biblical prophet wrote: "A merry heart does good like
medicine." Harry's act proves it, It's notjust a show; it becomes
therapy,
Humor can uplift the soul and help soothe the aches and pains
ofthis world Once you learn to use it effectively, you can turn
the ordinary into the spectacular, and the depressed loner into a
zealot with hope.
@ Who is here for the first time? Who has never been
here before? (Same thing)
@ I'm here live. I'm not via satellite, and there are no
camera tricks.
a I'd like to say hello to all you beautiful people ...All the
ugly ones too.
--
Openings 3
@ (Lots of laughs) Ijust heard this joke for the first time,
too.
@ I do this only at night. That way you can't say I see this
every day.
@ I'm the person your mother never let you play with.
@ Is there anyone here from New York? (Fire a blank
gun). I just want to make you feel at home.
e? This isn't the largest place I've played. The emcee and
I share the same dressing room: a nail.
@ There is only one ethnic joke. The rest are all true.
@ After the show I'm selling skunk oil for one scent.
@ Once I thought I was wrong, but I was mistaken.
@ I will now pass my assistant out for examination.
Looking at this audience I better not.
@ Did you hear the joke about the chicken? It's foul.
@ Have you heard about the new magician's hand lotion
made out of cow manure? It's called: Vaseline Offensive
Care.
@ I'm moving from the tenth floor to the ninth floor. But
that's another story.
@ Did you hear the one about the gentlemen who never
learned how to spell? Last night he paid fifty dollars to
spend the night in a warehouse.
@ Did you hear the one about the one goose that walked
up to the other and gave it a person?
@ Did you hear the one about the firing squad that
formed in a circle?
42 Sleight of Mouth
@ Did you hear the one about the tap dancer who fell in
the sink?
@ Did you hear the one about the guy who gave birth to
triplets? He's loolung for the other two fathers.
@ Did you hear the one about the parachute that opens
on impact?
@ Did you hear the one about the heckler with half a
brain? He was considered gifted.
@ Did you hear the one about the heckler on the bicycle?
He was considered a dope peddler.
@ Did you hear the one about the new type of Russian
roulette? You pass six girls around, and one of them has
V.D.
@ Did you hear the one about the guy who stole a
calendar and got 12 months?
@ Did you hear the one about the guy who was ironing
the curtains? He kept falling out the window.
@ Did you hear the one about the guy who went to the
dentist to have a wisdom tooth put in?
@ Did you hear the one about the magician who called
the airline and asked how long it takes to fly to California?
"Justarninute sir,"replied the clerk. "Thankyou,"said the
magician, and hung up.
Comedy Fillers 43
@ Did you hear the one about the guy who was drafted
into the service? He stayed up all night studying for his
urine test.
$ Did you hear the one about the guy who rents flash
cubes?
W How long do you have to wear that suit before you win
the bet?
w (Fat) I bet you could fall down and you wouldn't know
it.
@ I heard a lot about you. Now I'd like to hear your side.
@ You have lovely hair. I like the way it comes out of your
nostrils.
48 Sleight of Mouth
@ I get paid for one hour. I don't have time to talk to you.
@ I see the medication hasn't worn off yet.
@ May you sit on a candle while it's lit.
@ Please save all questions until I leave.
@ You have enough mouth for three lips.
@ I'm also a ventriloquist. As you can see I work with a
dummy.
@ Here's the woman who had her 16th child and she's
running out of names ...to call her husband.
@ He only goes out with girls who know all about the
birds and the bees ...and the pill.
@ I've looked high and low for you. I guess I didn't look
low enough.
@ Don't move. I want to forget you just the way you are.
@ He doesn't get ulcers, he gives them.
@ Who gave you a speaking part?
@ (Two hecklers) You remind me of a hemorrhoid ...and
you look like the spot where you would find it.
@ We have two ears and only one mouth. So, spend twice
as much time listening as talking.
@ May all your teeth fall out except one, and with that
one may you have a toothache.
Insults for Hecklers 61
@ (To the front row) T h s will teach you to sit in the front
row. What did you think this was, a burlesque show?
@ We will get out of here twice as fast if you get the jokes.
@ A brief moment of silence for my career.
@ Are you an audience or an oil painting?
@ You don't have to explain what you don't say.
BODY SOUNDS
@ (Belches) I'm glad you brought that up. And your last
name?
And here's your check for SIX MILLION DOLLARS...Sorry! Just kidding
@ Are there a Mr. and Mrs. Johnstonin the audience? I've
got a message from your baby sitter. She wants to know
where the fire extinguisher is.
@ Ben Franklin was out flying a kite. His wife stuck her
head out the window and noticed his kite was sagging,she
yelled, "Ben,you need more tail." Ben said, "That's funny,
when I mentioned that to you a half hour ago,you told me
to go fly a kite."
@ Two old maids are in bed and this big old grey ghost
hovered over them and said, "HocusPocus." One old maid
said to the other, "The heck with Hocus."
@ This is a nice place. I like the way it's laid out. I don't
know how long it's been dead, but I like the way it's laid
out.
Sleight of Mouth 79
@ And now a brief look into the future. The year is 208 1.
The film, "Rocky 102." In t h s classic motion picture,
Sylvester Stallone plays an 85 year old Rocky, who at-
tempts to stay in the ring for 1 5 full rounds ...fighting
gravity.
@ We both have our job to do. You are to enjoy the show
and I'm to entertain. If you get finished before me, stick
around.
84 M.C.Bits / Stories
@ This next act has made quite a name for himself. It's
too bad I can't use it here.
@ I've been married for fifty years and I'm still in love
with the same woman. (Applause, etc.) If my wife ever
finds out she'll kill me.
@ Kids pick their nose and think it's candy. But it's snot.
@ My father is a dentist. That's why I have sugarless
gums.
@ (Spectator) Out of all the people I've ever met, you are
certainly one of them.
@ This trick can be done by any ten year old with fifteen
years of practice.
104 Sleight of Mouth
@ This next trick will help you start your own religion.
@ This next trick encourages sex. Sir,good to see you are
paying attention.
I'm doing this next trick for the lady on the front row
with the rented dress. I know it's rented, because no one
would ever buy such a thing.
Introducing your next trick 105
@ My next trick will not stop the show, but it will sure
slow it down a bit.
@ Today I'm not going to bore you with an old trick. I'm
going to bore you with a new one.
@ (Whenyou ask their name and they only give you their
first) Think hard, it usually comes in two parts.
8 I'm not saying my last assistant was fat but ...he was
born on May 8th - 9th - and 10th.
@ I'm not saying my last assistant was fat but ...he can
only play seek.
@ I'm not saying my last assistant was fat but ...he has
stretch marks in his bathtub.
@ (They mess up) Get with the program! That's not the
way it was written. There are an awful lot of replacements
out there.
@ (Bald) People who are baldin the front are the thinkers
of the world. The people who are bald in the back are the
lovers of the world. And the people who are bald all over
are the ones who think they're lovers.
@ (Bald) I see you combed your hair. It's too bad you left
it at home.
@ (No answer) Just speak and the words will come out.
@ (Does something great) I bet you can heal people.
@ (Actsnervous) Did you ever think about decaf coffee?
@ (Doesn't understand a joke) I would explain it to you,
but it has too many syllables.
@ Do you like tea? Yes. Which hand do you stir the tea
with, the right or left hand? (wait for answer) That is
funny, most use a spoon.
@ (Blank look) (Lift up the hair over their ears) Can you
hear me under that grass?
@ My last assistant was so old ...I told her to act her age,
so she died.
@ (Fat) You have a nice chin, and that goes double for
you.
@ (Chlld) Did you know that if you kiss your elbow you
wdl turn into a member of the opposite sex?
@ (Needle thru arm) I'll put a little hole here and let the
sap run out.
@ (Sight gag) Will the lady who lost this please come up
here and claim it. (Hold up a three cupped brassierre)
@ (Club magic) Girls are like rocks. You skip the flat
ones.
@ Where are you from? Wait for answer, then reply: It's
underwhelming.
@ I was so poor ...I could only afford one Linking ring. (to
do the Linking Rings.)
154 Sleight of Mouth
@ The boss said I would get a raise when1 earned it. He's
crazy if he thinks I'm gonna wait that long.
@ He's so fat he can jump into the air and get stuck.
@ There is this new diet. Onions and garlic. You look
thinner from a distance.
@ I've been on a diet for 14 days and all I lost was two
weeks.
VENTRILOQUIST HUMOR
@ Hey! I got a great idea. Let's all take our teeth out and
play bridge.
@ You know you're old when the candles cost more than
the cake.
@ If I told you that you have a nice body, would you hold
it against me?
@ This travel agent met his wife because it was her last
resort.
@ I was going to tell you the story of the forty thieves but
maybe you're not interested in politics.
@ What did one mirror say to another? It's all done with
people.
@ I'd like to leave you with these words, "One good turn,
gets most of the blanket."
@ You can't fool all the people all the time. Remember,
some of them are busy fooling you.