THEPRINCESSDISMAY

DIRECTOR
(thispieceofdialoguewillbeouractualwelcomingremarks,sotheywillbeeditedas
necessary)
WelcomeeveryonetoThePrincessDismay!Thiseveningwewilltakeyouthrougha
lovelyplay,directedbyCarsonPotter,AriellaSoteloandVanessaValencia.Nowforyour
safety,wedliketoidentifyyourexitswhicharethere,thereandthere*pointing*and
(othersafetystuff)Alloftheseprovisionswillbemetinthecaseofanemergency,so
youdontdie.Imean,tonight,youcandielater,thatsunderstandable.Sorrytomake
youallthinkaboutdeath.

STAGEMANAGER
Onafunnote!Youguessedit!Weresellingsnacks!Soduringintermission,youcantreat
yourselftothelovelyconcessionswehaveoutinthelobby.Butdontbringthatstuffin
here,thisisatheatertheater,notamovietheater.Butsimilartoamovietheater,no
videoorphotography,forcopyrightpurposesand--

MOM
NoNoNO!

STAGEMANAGER
Um,Imsorrymam--

MOM
No,mychildisinthisproductionandINEEDtotakeaphotoofhimsohisgrandmother
inMichigancanseehimbeforeheisconsumedbyadulthoodwhenheattendshis
prestigiousuniversityoftheartsinNewYork.

STAGEMANAGER
Ummam--

MOM
HowcanIletmysongotoHollywoodwithoutonepictu--

1

STAGEMANAGER
IthoughtyousaidNewYork.

MOM
*stifles*Uhum.Forgetthat!Ineedapicture!!

*STAGEMANAGERandMOMbegintoarguefrivolously*

DIRECTOR
Alright!Alright!Forgetit!!Youcantakepicturesaslongaswhenitreachesasocial
mediaplatform,youtagtheschoolandthetitleoftheplay,givingitpropercredit,Gotit?

MOM
*nods*

STAGEMANAGER
*isirritatedandstormsoff*

DIRECTOR
Anywayslettheshowbegin!

*Curtainisdrawn.Princessstandsatherebalconyfrozenandwaitstoolongafter
thelightsarebroughtuptostartherlines.ThePRINCEispreoccupiedlookingdown
athisphoneandthePRINCESSisclearlyanxiousbecausethePRINCEhasnt
realizedtheyrestartingandisstillonhisphone.Also,thenoblesteedisthere.*

PRINCESS
OhRobert,OhRobert.WhereartthouRobert?

PRINCE
*doesntlookupfromhisphone*RighthereYo.

NOBLESTEED
*tryingtogethisattention*Neeeigh!
PRINCESS
ROBERT.
PRINCE
ChillAlice,werehearsedthislike50times,justsaveitfortheactualperformance.

NOBLESTEED

2
*moresternly*Neigh!
PRINCE
Whaaa-*looksuptoseethattheyareinfactnotrehearsingandstifleswhenhesees
theaudience*
Uhumm*franticallyshovesphoneinpocket**pullsouthandinfrontofhisfaceto
readwhathehasscribbleddownonhishand*UhUm,*clearingthroatand
panicking*HolaProfessor,YosoyWaitno!!*switcheshandtoreadoffotherone*
OhJulia,OhJulia,*PRINCESStriestosayhernextlinebutthePrinceisreadingthem
alloffwithouthesitation*artthouthesunrisingintheeastandkillingtheenvious
moonandrosebyanyothermane isjustasfleek.SWEET!!

PRINCESS
Ahem,ohRobert.

PRINCE
ThoushaltnotspeakfurthermoreJulia,foryouareaCapulet,andIa..*readshispalm*
...Mongoose

STAGEMANAGER
*popsoutfrombehindtheonstagecurtaintoshoutwhispertohim*MONTAGUE!!

PRINCE
M-Montague.You..ImaMontague.

PRINCESS
*blinksreallyhardindisbelief*Ah,yesRobert,wellwouldyoulookatthetime,the
moonthatIhavetomurderislike,*pointsup*rightthereso.Offwithyou.

PRINCE
Um

STAGEMANAGER
*whispershouts*justfollowtheimprov,kid!!

PRINCE
Uhummm*staresagood10seconds**looksbackathandslowly*Yo
mellamo--

DIRECTOR
*getsupfromseatinastormofrage*ENOUGH!!!!ENOUGH!!!Iwonthaveit!Thisis
absolutegarbageandIcanthavesomeunderclassmenruinmyseniorproject!Now,get
youracttogethersoIcanpassandgraduate,jeez!!!!

3
*everyonestiflesawkwardlyforamomentasshereturnstoherseat*

PRINCESS
Umm..line?

STAGEMANAGER
*peeksoutfrombehindonstagecurtain*OhpleasestaydearRobert.*letherfinish*
IfonlyIcouldholdthenightlongerforustospeak.*letherfinish*Thenpartingwould
notbesuchsweetsorrow.*PRINCESSmessesup*sorrow

PRINCESS
*repeatingeverylinefromstagemanagerexceptshesayssparrowratherthansorrow.
Thencorrectsherselfafterbeingprompted*

PRINCE
*lackingcharisma*OhJulia,donotfret..

STAGEMANAGER
*whispershoutsonhisside*Ishaltreturnethsoon.

PRINCE
Ishaltreturnethsoon.

STAGEMANAGER
*whispershouts*Andwithme,Ishaltbringethminelove.

PRINCE
Andwithme,Ishaltbringethminedove.

STAGEMANAGER
*whispershouts*No,Love!Whywouldyoubringadove?!

PRINCE
*repeatssomewhatrobotically*No,love,whywouldyoubringadove?

STAGEMANAGER
Ohforgetit!
PRINCE
Ohforgetit!
STAGEMANAGER
*Facepalmsandgoesbehindtheonstagecurtain*

4
*BothPRINCEANDPRINCESSslowlypantowardsNOBLESTEEDINAWAITFORHIM
TODELIVERHISLINE*
STAGEMANAGER
*whispershouts*Neigh!

NOBLESTEED
*frazzled*N-Neigh!!

*Lightsgooutandaspotlightisbroughttothedressingroomssetbesideeitherside
ofthepropstage*

*PRINCESSissittingataclassiclightbulb-litvanitysurroundedbyroses,teddy
bearsandchocolate,allgiftsfromherfamily,andalsoawaterbottle.PRINCEand
NOBLESTEEDshareavanityontheoppositesideofthestagewaitingtobelitup*

*ARLENEsitsbesidePRINCESSatasmallfootstoolandisonherphone*

PRINCESS
Icantbelieveit!Ijustcantbelieveit!Werehearsefor4monthsstraightjustforthat?!
Ugh~!Givemeabreak!Icantstandworkingwithalloftheseamateurs,Myfamilyisout
therewatching!Someofthemfromoutoftown.IcantbelievethatChriswouldjust
wastetheirtimelikethat,Imean,whowritesontheirhandstoreferencetoduringalive
performance.COMEON!!!*coughslightly*Ohmygosh,nowImsick!Ibetitstheflu,its
alwaysaflu!Thatnastyfluisalwaysgoingaround!DidyouhearmycoughArlene,Oh
mygosh,itsoundslikeIvebeensmoking!*lightlycoughs*Itfeelslikemylungsare
bleeding!GetmesomewaterArlene!!Arlene!!Help*lightlycoughs*me!!*lightcoughing
again*

ARLENE
*looksconfusedatherdramaticrantingandhandsherthewaterbottlethatwascloser
toPRINCESSthanitwastoARLENE*

PRINCESS
*gulpsdownwaterfranticallyandfinishesslightlyoutofbreath*Ohmygoodness
Arlene.*takesadeepbreathandsitsdowninherchair*

ARLENE
Alice,areyouokay?

PRINCESS
No,ImnotThatwasmylastwater!

5
 ARLENE
CantIjustgetyouanotherone?

PRINCESS
No!!AR-LENE!!!IdoubtyoucanorderanotherSpringWaterDeluxeallthewayfromFiji
intimeforthenextscene!

ARLENE
Sorry,justtryingtohelp.

PRINCESS
*Sighs*No,itsfine.Imsorry,Imjustunderalotofstress.*liftsupabouquetofroses*
Yousee,mymothersentmethese.*opensupthesmallcardinside*Tomydarling
daughterHee!Thatsme!ImsosorryIcantmakeittonight,Ihopetheseflowersserve
asatokenofmyblahblahblahblah.Basicallyjustgivingheranexcuseofherabsence
intheformofroses.*soundinggenuine*ButreallyIjustcantbelieveshebrokeherleg
rightbeforetheperformance.Ijustfeelsoterrible.

ARLENE
OhImsosorryAlice,Ihadnoidea.

PRINCESS
Yeah,Iknowitjustreallysucks.

ARLENE
Iknowitshardtomiss--

PRINCESS
*irritated*ItjustsucksthatIalreadyhavesomuchtodealwith,andnowmymoms
gottagoandtripatwork!!Likegeemomyoucouldntstayfocusedfortwosecondsand
yougottamakemesuffer?!Icantbelievesheddothistoome!!

ARLENE
*rubbingtemplesinfrustration*

PRINCESS
*sighsoutherangry**coughs*manIshouldreallygetsomecoughsyrup.*takes
Arlenesphone*

ARLENE
Umwhatareyoudoing?

PRINCESS

6
*doesntlookupfromphone*Orderingsomecoughsyrupwith30minutedelivery.

ARLENE
What?Isthatevenathing?

PRINCESS
*toherself*aaaandpaid.*outloudtoARLENE*Yesofcourse.Youjustpayforthe
ExpressShippingUltraDeluxe.*handsARLENEbackthephone*

ARLENE
35dollarsforabottleofcoughsyrup?!!?!

PRINCESS
Wellyes,Amazonmaybeexpensiveattimes,buttheyholdtheirnamewithprestige.

ARLENE
*distressed*Nowtheyalsoholdallofmybirthdaymoney.

*TransitiontoNOBLESTEEDandPRINCE*

PRINCE
Wellthatwentwell!

NOBLESTEED
*Inconfuseddisagreementlike,diditreally?*Neigh

PRINCE
Yes.Say!Youdidquitewell!

NOBLESTEED
*humbly*Neigh~....

PRINCE
Noreally!Youhardlyhadtoaskforyourline,Iwasimpressed,evenIcouldntdothat.

NOBLESTEED
*shrugssheepishly*

7
 PRINCE
Really,andyouswearyouveneverbeenintheater?Youreafreshmanright?*NOBLE
STEEDnods*Thatsremarkable!
Say,maybeafterthiswecangogetsomelatedinner.Careforsomecarrots?*laughs,
thenfadestoanervouslaughterbecauseheseesthatNOBLESTEEDisntreacting*
No?Sorry,justcuzyoureahorse.

NOBLESTEED
*walksovertohissacklunchandpullsoutsomecarrots*

PRINCE
*laughs*Oh!Youalreadyhavesomecarrots.

NOBLESTEED
*pullsouthorseradish*

PRINCE
And..*squints*Horseradish???*looksouttoaudienceexasperated*

*NOBLESTEEDdabsinresponsetohisownterriblepunasthelightsfade*

*DIRECTORisnowinthespotlightwalkingaroundandlookingaround*

DIRECTOR
Arty?Arty?Whereareyou?!

*Technomusicstartsplaying*

Whattheheck?*looksaroundinconfusion*

*ARTYmakeshisentrance*

ARTY
YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
*ARTYsentrancesisflauntedforawhilethenhelooksdownatherwithoutanyof
themusic*
Yes?

DIRECTOR
*rubstemple*Youdone?

ARTY
*Technomusicisqueuedoncemoreforonesecond*Yes.

8

DIRECTOR
*sighs*So,doyouhavethelistforthemusic?Itsimperativethatyouknowourcues
alright?

ARTY
Yee.Igotit,dontworry,Ihavemoreexperiencewithpumpingupthejamsthan
Technotronicsthemselves

*PumpUpTheJambyTechnotronicbeginstoplayuntiltheDirectorinterrupts*

DIRECTOR
Woahwoahwoah,wait,holdonasecond,Imsorry,butyouareawarethatwere
producingalovelyproductionofSnakesnearsRobertandJulia,notaparty.WhenI
receivedyourcard,itread,ArtytheAudioGuy.Youarecapableofprovidingthe
appropriateaudioforourplay,areyounot?

ARTY
YoucantspellPartywithoutArty!!

*Technomusicplays*

DIRECTOR
ArtyNo!Youcantjust.Wait!!

*Artycontinuestodanceofstageuntilthemusicfades*

*afterArtyisoffstagesheyellsinrage*IdidnthireaDJ!!!!!

*ThelightsfadeoutandPRINCE,PRINCESSandNOBLESTEEDallreturntotheir
originalpositionsandthelightscomebackuponcetheyareinplace*

PRINCE
OhJulia!minefairestJulia!Ihas'treturnedoncemoreunderthestartwinklingshroud
ofthenightsky!allowethyourselftobeknowndarling!

PRINCESS
Above,castthygazeandthitherIstand!

PRINCE
OhfairJulia,HowIlongtoseethyradiantvisage.Butalas,thoughthenightskyactsas
ourshroud,itunfortunatelyhathtoshroudthyquitequaintfeaturesaswell.

9
 PRINCESS
ThenwhatcouldIpossiblydothfortheetomakethupfortheabsenceofmineimage?

PRINCE
Perhaps,if'tbetruetheecouldsingtome,withthyvoiceofanangelicdove,thenmine
soulcanthenbesoothed.

PRINCESS
Ayeofcourseminedearest.*beautifulviolinmusicbeginstoplayheropening,she
openshermouthtolipsyncthefirstverse,shedoesso,untilthemusicgradually
speedsupandthebassisaddedtoit.Shecannolongerkeepupandlooksaround
angrilyasthemusicturnsintoatechnomashup.NOBLESTEEDdancestothemusic
inthebackground*

*ARTYentersasthebassdrops*

ARTY
YOOOOOOOO!!!CANTSPELLPARTYWITHOUTARTYYYYY!!!

PRINCESS
Excuseme?!

PRINCE
Whoareyou?!

NOBLESTEED
Neigh?!

ARTY
ImArtyThePartyGuy!!Imheretopumpupthejams!!

DIRECTOR
No,No!!Ihiredyoutobeinchargeoftheaudio,butclearlyyoucantdoyourjob!!

PRINCESS
Clearly!

DIRECTOR
OhHushAlice,youweregoingtolipsyncanyways,youreterrible,andyouknowwhat?
Imtiredofallofyou!!Seeyouatgraduation!Illbetheonewiththeprohibitedairhorn!
*goesoffstage*

10
 PRINCE
Airhorn??*lookstoNOBLESTEEDinconfusion*

ARTY
*pullsoutairhornandblastsitthreetimes*LookslikeIminchargeofthisparty
now!!

*Technomusicstartsupandallthepropsaremovedoffstage**Whitechairsare
nowmovedin,setupinasemicircleoneithersideofARTYsDJplatformasheis
movedtocenterstage**Asthelightscomeup,awhitebannercomesoutthatreads,
INTERVENTION*

ARTY
*takesoffsunglassestogetserious*Ohwoah,no.Toobright.*putsthembackon*
AnywaysWelcometoourthirdmonthlyAAmeetingAAstandingforActors
Anonymousofcourse.Nowletsgetstartedwith--

AMAZONDELIVERY
Ummexcuseme?Hi,IhaveanexpresspackageforaaaaanAdrianaRodrique?

PRINCE
*looksatNOBLESTEED*Rodrique?

NOBLESTEED
*questioning*Neigh?

PRINCESS
*stormsoverandsnatchesthepackage*ThatsRodriguezThankyouverymuch!Alice
Rodriguez

AMAZONDELIVERY
Butonthepackageitsays--

PRINCESS
ItsAliceforshort!

AMAZONGUY
HowdidyoushortenAdrianatoAlice?
PRINCESS
Listenhere*squintsathisnametag*Scott!Soundslikesomeonejustearnedazero
starreview!!
AMAZONGUY
*leaving*Well,sorryMiss,butAmazondoesnthaveazerostaroption.

11

PRINCESS
*yellingathimasheleaves*WellthenIllgiveyouonestarthenspecifythatitwasa
zero,No!Yknowwhat?ANegative5StarReview!!!ThatswhatIlldo.*takesherseat*
Yeah!*looksaroundawkwardlyattheothersuntilARTYcontinuesthemeeting*

ARTY
Alrightythen,Imgoingtotakerolltomakesureeveryoneishere,alright?*pullsouta
clipboard*Ohholdoneveryone,letmejustgrabmyreadingglasses.*takesoffhis
sunglassesthenputsonasecondpairofthesamestyle*Okay,better.*looksup*
PrinceRobert?

PRINCE
Here!

ARTY
Now,Robert,

PRINCE
Actually,myrealnameis--
ARTY

*raiseshisvoiceinprotest*IwouldAppreciateiTifyouwouldpolitelysay,present
ratherthananonchalanthere.ItstheonlythingthatImstricton.

*checksoffhislistafterhearingeveryresponse*PrincessJulia?

PRINCESS
Yup!*sipsonedoseofNyquil*

ARTY
Gurl!!!WhatIjustsay?!?!.....NobleSteed?

NOBLESTEED
Neigh!

ARTY
*staresathim*...Iappreciateyourindependence,horseman.

*continuestolookdownatrollsheet*What?*squints*Whatdoesthissay?*tiltsthe
boardinmanydifferentdirectionstogetabetterviewofthenames,heendsup
lettingthepapersidefacetheaudienceanditsjustanimageofameme**goesback
totryingtoreaditinconfusion*OhmaybeIshouldputonmyactualreadingglasses

12
forthis.*pullsoutahugepairofridiculousglasses**readsthenameagainandis
takenaback*Okay!Ha!!!HAHA!!!Whodidthis?Cmonguys!Shady-Nasty???Isa
Shady-Nastyhere???*laughing*

SHADYNASTY
*enterswithflare*Didsomeonecallme?!?!?PrincessSha-DYNASTY?!?!?!?!?*hasa
momenttomakeahugeentranceandshowoffhercostume*

ARTY
OH!!!WelcometothepartyShadynasty!!!

PRINCE
Ithoughtthiswasanintervention,Arty.

SHADYNASTY
AnyeventisapartywhenShadynastyishere!!Oohgimmeaswigofthat*takesaswig
ofPRINCESSsNyquil*

PRINCESS
*offended*PrincessShadynasty?Neverheardofyou,whatplayareyoufrom?

SHADYNASTY
Oh,Imnotfromaplayhoney,Imasuparealprincessinthissupafakeworld.*snaps*

PRINCESS
What?Likeyouownandrunasmallislandorsomething?

SHADYNASTY
Nogurl,Iownandrunthisworld.

PRINCESS
*furrowsbrowsinconfusion*Youcantpossiblyrunthewholeworld,thatsjust--

SHADYNASTY
Oh*laughs*youresocute.*looksherupanddown*andsoisyourdress*smirksand
looksaway*

PRINCESS
*turnsawayviolentlyandangrilytodownherNyquil*

ARTY

13
So,Ivebroughtyouallheretodaytotellyou,thatnoneofusarehereforyou,andthat
youjusthavehugeproblems.

PRINCE
Ithinkyoumeantheoppositeofthat?

ARTY
Silencefool!Yougotproblems!!

PRINCE
*recoilsandsinksdowninhisseat*

Arty
*clearsthroat*Anyways,asIwassaying,thisplayisterrible,yallaregettingnew
scripts.

PRINCESS
Newscripts???

ARTY
*spinssomeupbeatmusicandthrowsonaflowyshawl*YOUGETASCRIPT!!!YOU
GETASCRIPT!!!!EVERYBODYGETSASCRIIIIIIIIPT!!!!!*throwingpapersalloverthem
andintheirfacesalongwithhisassistance*Lookunderyourchair!!

(ENDOFACTONE)

*Thedressingroomsetisbackupandeachcharacterisattheirassignedroom*

PRINCE
*lookingatthescript*Anewscripthuh?

NOBLESTEED
*nods*neigh.

PRINCE
*scratchesthebackofhishead**chucklessomewhatnervously*hehe,wellIguessI
donthavetoworryabouttherestofmylinesasRobertthen.

14
 NOBLESTEED
*asiftopositivelysay,yeah!*Neigh!

PRINCE
Yep!Gottastaypositiveright?*smilesatNOBLESTEED*

NOBLESTEED
*nodsprominently**getsuptocombmaneinmirrorandbrushteeth*

PRINCE
Mhm!Liketheotherday,Ifoundoutthatnoneofmyfriendsboughtticketstothespring
dance,andwell,Iusuallybuyanextraticketformybestfriend,buttheyhadplanstoo.
ButImstillhopeful,y'knowthatsomeonewilltakemyextraticketandcomewithme?

NOBLESTEED
*looksoverslowlyatPRINCEwhoiswaitingwithanticipationwithananswer,while
havingatoothbrush,thenviolentlybreaksthesilencebyviolentlybrushingteeth*

PRINCE
*turnsawayembarrassed*OhY'knowmaybe,Iwasthinking.Ifyoudliketo..

NOBLESTEED
*turnsbacktowardhimandgetsupandputsahandonhisshoulderandnodsafter
helooksup*

PRINCE
Waitreally?!Youdwantto?Youdwanttogo?!

NOBLESTEED
Neigh!

PRINCE
Ohawesome!*hugshimthenquicklypullsawayinquestion*wait,neighasin
nay..Likeno?Orwasthatayes.

NOBLESTEED
.*pullsupmasktorevealjusthismouth*yes.

PRINCE
GREAT!

(LightsfadeandthenbroughtbacktoPRINCESS)

15

PRINCESS
Newscript?Newscript?!*throwsdownscriptandscowlsatitonhervanity*ArleneI
cantbelieve--*noticesArleneschairisemptyexceptforanoteleftbehind*Wentto
gogetyousomewater.-ArleneWhat??Sheleft?Inthemiddleofmyperformance?!
*notesshesalloutofNyquil*

AMAZONDELIVERY
IhaveadeliveryforanAdrianaRodrique?

PRINCESSandAMAZONDELIVERY
*inunison*Youagain?!

PRINCESS
*snatchesbox*Wait,Ididntorderanything.

AMAZONDELIVERY
Thenwhydidyoutakeitlikeitbelongstoyou?*snatchesitback*

PRINCESS
*stutters*Becauseyousaidmyname!*snatchesitback*

AMAZON
*smirksandscoffs*Butearlieryousaidthatwasntyourname,Alice.*takesboxback*
PRINCESS
Yes,AliceisshortforAdriana,butmylastnameisRodriguez,notRodrique.Nowjust
handoverthebox!

AMAZONDELIVERY
*handsoverthebox*Alright,Alright,surekid.Whyareyousosaltyaboutyourfirst
namethough?

PRINCESS
BecauseIbelieveapersonsnameholdsallofthatpersonsqualities,theirvices,virtues.
Youwouldntunderstandwhatitslikeforyournametohaveitsownspotlighttokeepin
itspossession.

AMAZONDELIVERY
Iwouldntknow?Iwouldntknow?Honey,Ireadnamesallday,andIknowforafact
thatnamesdonthaveathingtodowiththatperson.ToquoteSnakesnear,Alilyby--

16
 PRINCESS
Youdidyourjob,nowgetoutofmydressingroom!!!

(AMAZONDELIVERYexits.)

ARTY
Alrighteveryone!Arewereadyforournewplay?!

PRINCESS
*drinkingherNyquilandslursherwords*Iguess..

NOBLESTEED
*nods*Neigh!

PRINCE
Nonotatall!Wedidntevenmakeitthroughthefirstplay!*smilesnervouslythensobs
quietlyintohishandswhileNOBLESTEEDtriestocomforthim*

ARTY
Okay!Letsgetstarted!PrincessJulia,Ineedyouhere.*pointsheruptoherbalcony*
PrinceRobert,youareneededhere.*hashimbelowthebalcony*andhisnoblesteed
willbebesidehim.

PRINCESS
Sobasically,exactlywherewewerebefore?

ARTY
Oh,hmyoureright.Letsseenow.*lookingthroughhisnotes*Ohthatsright!This
timeIdecidedto--

(lightsgooutandthesoundofsurgingpowerfailingisheard)

PRINCESS
Huh?Waitwhat?

PRINCE
Ohno,didthepowergoout?

NOBLESTEED
NEIGH?!?!

ARTY

17
Alrightguys!Noneedtopanic!LuckilyIvegotmyrockinglowsticks!!!*pullsoutglow
sticksanddanceswiththem*Cantgointothegravewithoutarave?!?!

PRINCESS
Doyouhavetohaveastupidrhymingmantraforeverythinginlife?

ARTY
Alwayshaveandalwayswill,ifyadisagree,thenpopachillpill.

PRINCE
Butreallyguys,wherearethelights?!

AMAZONDELIVERY
*upstage*Overherefellas!

(Spotlightfailstofalldirectlyonthem)

RightHERE!(isinspotlight)Thereyougo!

PRINCE
*gasps*Avillain?!

NOBLESTEED
Neigh?!
PRINCESS
*hoistsupbottleofNyquil*Ithdaoneguy~!!!

AMAZONDELIVERY
Yes,itisI,Thatoneguy!Ihave---

PRINCESS
Itsdaoneguy!*gigglesandstumblesoffherplatformandARTYcatchesher*

ARTY
Woahtherekid,whatsgottenintoyou?IsthatNyquil?

PRINCESS
HeheheyEp!

ARTY
Wellhowmuchdidyouhave?

18
 PRINCESS
Pffffft~Onedose.*mumbles*like17times..

PRINCE
17doses?

NOBLESTEED
Neigh?!

PRINCESS
Yeah.Itsformycough.*pointstoAMAZONDELIVERY*Andthatguyrighttheregave
memore!
AMAZONDELIVERY
*withpride*YES!AsIwassaying,ItisI!TheAmazonDeliveryGuy!Thesurprise
antagonistoftheplay!Orwasitreallyasurprise?Imean,Amazonisabigcorporation,
andbigcorporationsareevil.Soyoushouldhaveseenitcominghonestly.

PRINCE
OhyeahIguessIcanseethat.

AMAZONDELIVERY
Yes!Igaveyourmaincharacterquiteafewextrabottlesofcoughsyrupsoshecouldnot
performaswell.Muahahaha!!

SHADYNASTY
Ohplease,therewasntmuchtalenttodeterioratetobeginwith.

ARTY
Oooh!!!!!*whips*

PRINCESS
*stumblesfromhisarms**offended*Hey!

ARTY
Sorry,thatwasgood.

AMAZONDELIVERY
*putsarmaroundShadynasty*MyqueenShadynastyherewasabletoinfiltrateyour
AAmeetingandgettheintelweneeded.Nowwereabletoinfiltrateabrandnewstory
anddestroyitfromtheinsideout!ThatwayIcancreateabrandnewmusicalbasedon
myfellowamazondeliverypersonnel!*tothetuneofHellofromTheBookof
Mormon*Ding-dongHello,mynameis-ohyoudontcare.Well,thenIllleaveyour
niftypackagejustrightoverthere.*chuckspackageoffstage*

19

SHADYNASTY
Thatplaywillchangetheirlifesweetie.

ARTY
Soyourejustgoingtotakemynewplayfromme?

AMAZONDELIVERY
Yup!

ARTY
Waitno!Youcantjusttakesomethingthatisntyours!

PRINCE
Wellisntthatwhatyoudidwithouroriginalplay?

ARTY
WellatleastIhadanicelittlemeetingwithmusicandstuff.*pouts*

AMAZONDELIVERY
Thatsright!Weneedaquickmeetingwithourcaptives,Imeanactors.*smirks*

(Setchangesbacktotheearliercircleofchairsinasemicircle)(*note:Ifwecan,I
wouldliketohaveaGameofThronesparodythronemadeofpoolnoodles)

AMAZONDELIVERY
*crackingknuckles*Now!Letsgetstarted(Summeriscomingafterall(*onlyifhes
inthechair)

SHADYNASTY
*readsoffrole*MagnificentqueenShadynasty,present!

(everyonebutSHADYNASTYandAMAZONDELIVERYgroans)

SHADNASTY
Andwhatwasthat?!

ARTY
Hasitevercometoyourattentionthatyournameisspelt,shady-nasty?

SHADYNASTY

20
OhHUSH.*looksatclipboard*ART-Y.Whonamestheirkidaftersomekindergarden
items,artandtheletterY~!

ARTY
*offended*Wha-well,I--

SHADYNASTY
Well,Immatakethataspresent,butIdpreferifyoupeoplewouldsaypresentinsteadof
justhereorsomeothernonsensealright??Now,Sugarpiehoneybunch?

AMAZONDELIVERY
Present.

SHADYNASTY
Seeeveryone?Likethat!Perfect!

AMAZONDELIVERY
Thanksbabe.

SHADYNASTY
Now,A-Liceisabugthatbitesatyourscalphere?A-lice

PRINCESS
DoyoumeanAlice?

SHADYNASTY
Umdoyoumeanpresent?

PRINCE
Atleastshegotyournameright.

PRINCESS
*scowlsathim*

SHADYNASTY
Ch-rice-teh-four?IsaCh-rice-teh-fourhere?

PRINCE
*Silentlylooksaroundinconfusion*Present?

SHADYNASTY

21
Okay?Wasthataquestionsoldier?Looksharp!

PRINCE
YesMaam!!

SHADYNASTY
Better!Butyoustillspokewithoutpermission!Next!Noob-le-sted?

PRINCE
Ithinkyoumeannoblesteed,andhesahorsemamsohecan--

NOBLESTEED
Neigh!

SHADYNASTY
Oneunitshouldspeakatatime!SobequietwhenImtakingroll!
..Oh,weredone.

AMAZONDELIVERY
Nice!Everyoneishere!

ARTY
SoIguessyouregonnagiveusnewscriptsorsomething?

AMAZONDELIVERY
No!Imjustgoingtonarrateit!

PRINCE
Narrateit?

NOBLESTEED
Neigh?

ARTY
Narrateit?Howintheworld,likejustlivenarration?Howwillthatwork?

AMAZONDELIVERY
*smirks*likethis.*snapsfingersandthelightsgoout*

(lightsgobackupandPRINCESSisstandingcenterstage,drinkingherbottleof
Nyquilandlookingverydrowsy)

AMAZONDELIVERY

22
PrincessJulia,gorgeous,prestigious,esteemed,beloved.

PRINCESS
*slurs*Awfanksman.

AMAZONDELIVERY
Aresomeantonymsforthishorrendousexcuseforalady.

PRINCESS
Heeey~!

AMAZONDELIVERY
Bequiet,yourenotsupposedtotalktothenarrator!

PRINCESS
What?Why?

AMAZONDELIVERY
Becauseitsbadforyourskin.

PRINCESS
*gaspsandholdsforearm*

(lightsgooutandlightisthenbroughtbackuponthePrince*

AMAZONDELIVERY
Andthisistheprince,hesanidiotforbuyinghisclothesatTargetinsteadoffromour
onlinearrayofnamebrandclothesfromallovertheglobe.

PRINCE
*isincompletebefuddlementandshrugs*

AMAZONDELIVERY
NextupisthePrincesnoblesteed.Hesaight.

NOBLESTEED
*poses*

ARTY
*isnowinthespotlight*Howdoesheneverupsetanyone?

AMAZONDELIVERY

23
Silence!Thisisthejester!

ARTY
Thejester?

AMAZONDELIVERY
Yesyes,hisnaturalbufooneryisgoodfornothingbutforotherstolaughathim.

ARTY
Ohwow,spoton*wipesawaysingletear*youshouldgoworkforHallmarkor
somethingman.*leavesspotlight*

AMAZONDELIVERY
Wellthatsourlineupofcharacters,letourstorybegin.

(lightscomeuponallofthecharactersstandinginrandomplace.)

AMAZONDELIVERY
Thebeautifulkingdomof..Amazon-elot...iswhereourstorytakesplace.

PRINCESS
*slurs*Neverheardofit.

AMAZONDELIVERY
Youeverheardofacne?Thatllhappenifyoukeeptalking!!

PRINCESS
*gaspsandfaintsintothePrincesarms*

AMAZONDELIVERY
Ohwaitno,wakeherup,shesgonnabedoingstuffinthisscene.

PRINCE
*tapshercheekandherheadrollsoutcoldentirely*

AMAZONDELIVERY
Ohmygosh,someone,someonehelpher,ohgeez.

(ARTYandNOBLESTEEDrushovertotrytokeepherup)

AMAZONDELIVERY
Yeah,youguysgotherorlike???Okaywell,letscontinue.
*clearsthroat*Okaysolike,thePrincesslovedtotakewalkseverymorning.

24

(Thethreeworktogethertomakeherlimpbodywalk)

AMAZONDELIVERY
Asshewentonherroyalstrollshewouldwaveatallofthetownspeople,andsmellthe
flowersonherpath.
(Thethreehelpmimetheactionswhicharesaid.)

AMAZONDELIVERY
Andsometimesshewasevensoelatedshewoulddo11cartwheelsinarow!

(Thethreefreezeandlookupinterror)

AMAZONDELIVERY
Butnottoday,shewasntinthemoodtotoday.

(Thethreesighandsmileinrelief)

AMAZONDELIVERY
Notodaywasaboutamuchmorepressingmatter.Love.Theprincesslongedtofind
love.Soinretaliationtoheremotions,shebrokeoutindance.

(Discomusicbeginstoplayandthethreepuppeteersmakeherdance)

AMAZONDELIVERY
Yesyes,shehopednoonewouldmarryherforherdancingskills.
Astheprincessponderedherfutureandofwhatitcouldpossiblyhaveinstoreforherin
theromanticportionofherlife.
Justthenahandsomeprinceemergedfromvirtuallynowhereandspokethus

(AsthePRINCEtriestoleave,ARTYandNOBLESTEEDhavetroubleholdingherup
andPRINCEcomesrunningbacktotakeNOBLESTEEDsplace,forcingNOBLE
STEEDouttostandinplaceoftheprince)

AMAZONDELIVERY
Ahem!Theprincespokethus!

NOBLESTEED
Neigh?

AMAZONDELIVERY
ThePrincesswassurprisedtosaytheleast

25
(PRINCESSispuppetedtofaceaudienceandcovermouth,justthen,sherubseyes
andbecomesslightlymoreconscious)

PRINCE
Ithinkshemaybewakingup!

AMAZONDELIVERY
ThePrincewalkedtowardherandheldherhandtenderly

(NOBLESTEEDdoesso,butPRINCESSpullsupherbottleofNyquilandtriesgetting
whatsleftoutofit.)

AMAZONDELIVERY
ThePrincesswasinawe,neverbeforehadshemetamansohandsomebeforeinher
life.

PRINCESS
*Hiccupsandsmackslipsinadisgustingmannerandletsheremptybottlefallon
thefloorasshewipesherface*

AMAZONDELIVERY
AndthePrincehimselfhadneverseensomeonesoastonishing.

NOBLESTEED
*Looksouttotheaudienceskeptically*

AMAZONDELIVERY
Soastonishinginfactheinsistedongettingalittlecloser

NOBLESTEED
*swiftlylooksouttoaudiencethenbackatPRINCESSandtakesoneshufflestepin*

AMAZONDELIVERY
...closer.

NOBLESTEED
*barelytakesastepcloser*

AMAZONDELIVERY
Andhestoleatenderkissfromthefairlady.

NOBLESTEED
*shakeshead*NEIGH!!!!!

26

AMAZONDELIVERY
Yeshedid,indeed,heDIDkisstheyoungmaidenbecausehewassoinlove!

NOBLESTEED
*runsoffstage*

AMAZONDELIVERY
Wait!Comeback!!No!!Imthenarrator,yougetbackhere!!

SHADYNASTY
Dontworrysugar,Illgethim
*runsacrossstagefromtheoppositesideofwhereNOBLESTEEDdisappeared
screamingthenexitsfromwhereheleft,shehasanettocatchhim*

PRINCE
Leavehimalone!Hesnoteventheprinceremember?Iam!

SHADYNASTY
Ivegotm!!*bringsNOBLESTEEDbackwithhishandstiedup*

AMAZONDELIVERY
Ohyeah,youretheactualprincehuh?Wellthenlets--

PRINCESS
*stirs*Hey.stop.*standsuponherownandyawns*

ARTY
Ohshesup!

PRINCESS
Listen,heredisembodiedvoice!!!

AMAZONDELIVERY
Imliterallyrighthere.*waveshand*

PRINCESS
Youlistengood,Imnotgonnahaveyoubossingusaroundandstuff,becausebecause

PRINCE

27
Isitbecauseyouvegonethroughsomanytrialswithuscastmembersthatyouvefinally
acceptedusasbelovedtheaterfamilyandyouvecomearoundtowanttoprotectusasa
unit?

PRINCESS
*drowsy*No,IwassupposedtogeticecreamafterthisAndthisbozo!Iswastingmy
time!!

AMAZONDELIVERY
Didyoujustcallmeabozo?!Thatsit,Shadynasty,roundthemup!!

(Lightsfadetoadarkredasshesetsthemallinchairsandhastheirhandscuffed
behindtheirbacks)

PRINCE
(strugglesinhischair)Letusgo!!

SHADYNASTY
Andletyougobeforethegrandfinale?No,Icouldneverdothat,theshowmustalways
goon.

PRINCESS
Whatgrandfinale?

AMAZONDELIVERY
*stepsoutontheirphone*Ohthegrandfinale?Itllbehereandoverwith.Ijustplaced
anorderforthekeystoyourlocks.

PRINCE
Whatssobadaboutthat?Soundslikewellbefreesoonthen.

PRINCESS
Yeah,frommyexperience,theshippingcanbeprettyquick.Imean,thoseNyquils
bottleswerehereinlike30minutesatitspinnacletime.

AMAZONDELIVERY
ItsshippedfromChina.

(Everyonegroansinanguish)

ARTY

28
WEREGONNADIE!!!!!

AMAZONDELIVERY
Muahahahaha!!!Yesyouare!!Cmonmyqueen,letsgetoutofhereandgetsomeice
cream.

PRINCESS
Ihateyou!!Iwantedicecream!!!!!

PRINCE
*afterafewmomentsofthegroupgroaningandthenfadingtosilence*Wellthisis
it?

NOBLESTEED
*Hangsheadsadly*Neigh.

PRINCE
Itwasreallyniceknowingyouall.*looksoveratNOBLESTEED*Especiallyyoumy
newfriend*smiles*

NOBLESTEED
*nods*Neigh.

PRINCESS
Imsosorryguys.Ireallyshouldhave.ShouldhaveIjustshouldhavetriedalittle
hardertoknowmylines,thenmaybeourdirectorwouldnthaveleftus.

PRINCE
No,No,Alicedontblameyourself,Imeanlookatme,Ishouldhaveknownmylinestoo,
reallyIhadtowritethemonmyhandsbecauseIwassonervousIwouldnthavethem
downintime.

ARTY
..Well,IguessIllapologizetoo.ForbeingsuchagoodDJ*wipeseyesofsingle
passionatetear*

PRINCESS
Wait,Arty!Yourenottiedup?

ARTY
Wait,areyouguystiedup,thenumYEAHImtieduptoo!*putsarmsbehindback*
Totallywithityallsocool

29
 PRINCESS
No!Arty!Thatmeansyoucanfreeus!

ARTY
Pfft,no.Me?Ofcoursenot!Imtiedupjustlikeyouguys!

PRINCE
Arty!Stopbandwagoningandhelpus!!

ARTY
WouldifIcouldbruh,butImkindastuckhere.

PRINCE
Ohmygosh....

PRINCESS
Yknowwhatwereallyneedrightnow?

(everyonelooksupatherinquestioning)

PRINCESS
Um.a..Um..*smirks*Line?

STAGEMANAGER
*pushesoutArtysDJstandandmusicstartsup*...Party.

ARTY
*jumpsup*YOUCANTSPELLPARTYWITHOUTARTY!!!!!!!*StartstoDJbestremix
everanddancestoeachchairlettingpeoplefree*

(endingallcallisperformedinatechnodancenumbercallingouteachpersonone
byone)

Thenitsprettymuchtheend.

30