The Agenda

P O E T R Y 11
why i dont go to starbucks and why i love mountains
there are two reasons i dont go to starbucks. one:
fuck corporations.
two:
when you have an eating disorder, your mind is consumed by numbers. for example
you will always know that on average a banana has 60 calories
you will always remember the days where you managed to survive off 693 calories
and you will always see nothing but 340 430 and 530
when youre looking at the menu while your friend is asking themselves whether or not they want
whipped cream
your eyes will fix on the amount of calories in a white mocha and think to yourself their relation to
every single bite of food youve had that day
tall iced americano please. no cream no sugar just black and... extra water.

you see, when you have an eating disorder

some things stop making sense.
you dont know why you look in the mirror 29 times a day because really, nothing will have changed.
but every time you will swear that you saw your stomach go in a little bit.
maybe you can see a little bit more of a rib?
you dont know when sandwiches started to scare you so much. why anything even somewhat
soluble will feel like a reward to yourself for not eating anything else that day
you dont know why a part of who you are that you didnt even chose for yourself has left you
stigmatized in the eyes of everyone around you who would dare ask enough questions to find out.

the worth you will give yourself will be the number of calories you had that day on a scale of
comparison to a world market where everyone else was priceless
when you stop eating it will feel like you have gained control over something in a life that was
accelerating so fast
that you had lost my grip on the wheel
you werent in charge of what you had to do tomorrow but fuck, you would be in charge of your
price
and the currency was weight

there are two reasons why i love mountains.

one:
sacred, sacred, sacred is Gaia.
two:
i have an eating disorder.
when i stop eating it feels like i have gained control over something in a life-in a world- that is accelerating so fast, that
ive lost grip on the wheel.
but when i try to put my hand back it is the same hand that has been down my throat
i have convinced myself that i have gained control over the illness that controls
me.
A RT I S T: A U T U M N S E V Y
two:
when i climb a mountain - A B O U T T H E P O E T:
when i get to the top of an entity so pure, so natural, so bold and so fearless - YA S M E E N A Y O U B
i am reminded that there is a better small to be than one that relies on starving myself.
i have surmounted a force in this world that has no control.
a mountains place in this world is permanent. they do not decide what we put around it, what we Im a Palestinian-American woman in
find within it, what we make of the beauty it offers. Portland making good coffee, mediocre life
they exist in a world thriving off of the fact that they have no control and instead decisions, and wild social change. I go to
their focus lies on the beauty, perfection, and progression of everything in front of them PSU and am heavily footed in my commu-
i was on top of a mountain when i decided that the small i was as a child of this universe is enough. nity by means of political organization and
as a mountain makes home of the earth around it i vowed social activism. Written and spoken poetry
to make home of the body that is my own earth. have been ways for me to express feelings
through the medium I know best - words.
i have an eating disorder Most of my content is reflective of my per-
and some days all i will see on a menu are 340 430 and 530.
sonal life and how I have come to see the
but my humanity and soul is not dependent on the numbers in my head
world through the identity that I hold in this
it is not dependent coping mechanism that i use when i am so anxious i dont know what to do. i am
system. I believe that both art and the youth
not this.
have always had a place in revolution, and
some days i am sick but most days i am a person who sings in the car with people i love and that
hope to contribute to the social, political,
includes myself, a person who reads poetry and soaks in the fact that people have always felt the
same, laughs until the ribs i once counted no longer feel like theyre existent
and cultural rebellion that I see both neces-
most days i am a person who, despite the numbers, will drink a white mocha because i know that i
sary and already occurring. My philosophy
am worth it. for this lifetime has been and always will be
its all of this that makes me so pure, so natural, so bold and so fearless. to do good, love all, stay human and stay
i am a mountain woke. I am hopeful that my words and ac-
i have become a force in this world that cannot be controlled. tions will always live up to that.

B y YA S M E E N A Y O U B