“The Love of Edge”

I am in a Desert, I cannot say how long have I been here. But I am here from the day I remembered
something. And that has been some 25 years now. It’s quite a long time to be stranded and left alone.
Never knew that it would be so, never knew that it would stretch so long. But had no idea it would be so
throughout. There was heat above and beneath, no passing by memories, nothing to remember in
between all the same dusty and dry. But I was always determined that there is something for me and
there is a purpose to life that I have been granted to me. I never knew what that could be. Never had a
clue what that was supposed to mean but it felt good to live believing that I have something else to do
as well apart from walking in the sand with no motive whatsoever. It was disgusting, disheartening and
any other harsh words one can find in the English dictionary.

In the meantime I always heard that there is some kind of edge that has a life in it. People who were
once with me in the journey described that they wanted to be there and live rest of their life in the same
place. I was amazed why they would say so. In fact I hated the idea of making that a priority. They
described that it had life in it; it was cold and lush green, it could give you what you want and make your
life pleasurable. The idea seemed so wonderful, but having seen just the sand all around I never
wondered if that existed. They also told the fact that the edge had to be occupied by one and the edge
would let her chosen one to be there. I didn’t believe a single bit in the story. It felt like a fantasy but a
fake one. I ended up hating the idea of being in the edge. But deep inside I must say I was looking for the
edge myself. However a mere arrogance in me always told that there doesn’t exist anything said as
edge.

I remember when I was almost 11 years old I saw something like it. I saw a greenish spot in the horizon.
That was the time it almost felt like I saw the edge. It was amazing I was happy, my heart proved mine
head wrong. (Let me tell you one thing I always loved the battle of my head and heart. I loved it when
they forced upon something to each other. But since I loved it so much and witnessed so much of those I
knew how to control either of those. ). It felt little Gosse-bumps in mine body and It felt good after such a
long time. I moved eagerly towards it. It appeared to be too close than I thought. I was so excited that it
was the one for me since I saw no one there to compete against me. As I approached near I was having
second thoughts if that was it. I was happy and worried at the same time. Happy coz I found one and
worried because as it was approaching closer I was feeling if that was the one for me. And the battle
begins, my head said that was it and heart never quite liked the idea. So did I and just moved away from
the edge.

By this time I was so convinced that I had to look after the edge. In the mean time I was seeing so many
of the other ones in the journey finding their edge. I was happy for them but I never felt so. Moreover I
was unhappy because every other in the journey that was with me found one for them. I realize now
why I hated the idea of being in edge, I always saw somebody else being happy on their edge and never
found one of mine own. I accepted the fact that I hated it since I never had it. But within me the heart
was so searching for the edge. I can feel that now. In fact I always believed I was never meant to be in
the edge. There is something big and better for me.
Then it was after a struggle of 6 years more. I saw another edge in mine life. But this time I liked the
edge. But there was a difference, my little heart said, huh! Is that what you wanted? Well for a moment
yes I felt it was the one I was looking for. I cautiously moved forward thinking constantly that I would
have it feel and see. The edge didn’t seem that appealing from the far but I was thinking as I was moving
forward. Then I notice that the edge was herself moving ahead. I was amazed. I felt I was the chosen one
for her. But I always questioned to myself if she the chosen one for me? In the contemporary circle I was
acting weird as they say. It has always been the edge to decide her chosen one. But deep down I always
felt that was not it, I always felt that it’s both of them to decide. Then I decided to be with her for few
moments so that I could know what it’s like. I went ahead; we could talk with each other, I found
someone to talk that was so refreshing for a change. But as we were approaching, I felt that that was
too much for me. And then I decided to part my ways. I couldn’t find the jest, life and livelihood that I
was searching for mine edge. Now after this incident I has developed all sort of images of what mine
edge should be if I had any. But I was still denying the fact that I was in search of an edge.

I still cannot figure out why I felt that she was mine edge. I moved so ahead. Still today I don’t have the
answer. In the mean time when I was with her I had seen another edge in the horizon she felt so
different and lively and had some blue-ish image to her. But since I was so not concerned with her I was
just watching through her. I was feeling lively now that I was at least seeing some edges but I felt so
unlucky that by that time I had no edges. At this point I was attracted to every other edge in the horizon.
But the blue one in the horizon was just there. She didn’t have any quest of having anyone of us there as
I heard. I was amazed how that can be. She was in her own world, she loved her lakes and plants and all
the other.

At the time when everyone was here and there searching for everything she was just there. I felt that
she didn’t have any of her chosen ones as well. That was so fascinating. I wanted to meet her and
moved towards her. I was talking to her then I realized that she was special but since she wasn’t
searching for the chosen one I liked her even more. But I must confess she wasn’t for me. Then we
parted ways but she somehow asked me to be in touch. She said she liked talking with me.

Still walking all the way, I was in the new arena now, a complete new arena. I was in the home-dessert
of the blue edge. I was lonely again. I was again searching a life. I was searching the edge again in the
new tensile town. It was amazing how life could treat you when you try to move back and forth from it.
The edge earlier that I moved ahead for was following. I was amazed how far one could go to get the
chosen one. She never let me know that I was the chosen one but I could see it in her that she had made
up her mind.

In the meantime I was more focused in what I wanted out of it. I was still in a place and wandering how
could my edge be. I was all waiting for her. I was all preparing myself to the date I will find her. I was late
very late to find one. By then I decided that I wouldn’t search again if that happens to be mine life filled
with all hard luck so be it. I wished that to end soon but that was hard to come by. However I had reason
not to feel lonely may be for some time now. Both the edges were constantly in conversation with me. I
always loved to talk to the blue edge but only had one chance to talk to her. Ahhhhh I was so confused.
Then I let everything just to go as it was and let life decide for itself what I wanted. By this time I was
already 23. Then I found a very good edge. That was quite close to what I always wanted. I went about
and had a chat with her. I liked her. I wasn’t sure if that was the one I wanted. But I wished if that was
one. It didn’t took me long to feel that she already had the chosen one in her. But she was so helpful.
She was so nice to me. In a lightening day, once I saw her alone and crying. Her beholder, the chosen
one left. She was so lonesome and frustrated. I felt so bad that I wasn’t there at that time. Here I was
complaining mine life was lonesome and unlucky. I find one more with me. I don’t know why I was
feeling for her so much. May be because she needed someone and I always liked her I was keen to be
with her, be her chosen one. I went forward and was about to speak she tells she has chosen her chosen
one. I wasn’t ready to know that her chosen one wasn’t me.

Here I was once again alone and clueless. But I was in a constant chat with the blue edge. She was there
in her life happy. I wanted to be like her “HAPPY”. Then I decided that I was born to know all of these
edges and tell people mine story. How could I ever be the chosen one? All those I liked never looked at
me and all those who liked me I never felt they were mine chosen one.

Then 2 months earlier, i.e. at end of mine 25 th year I was busy with not being anything and not having
anyone in mine life. I was so occupied I left out everything. I felt so ugly and unwanted piece of shit. I
had destroyed everything I had but I never realized that but now. One day I wake up as if I was sleeping
for years now. I searched everyone only to find no one near me. I tried to reach to everyone but I didn’t
see anyone near me. I was again crawling towards the end of mine choice.

I find this friend with me; he was going all gaga about one edge he was so fond of. I was not interested
at all. Then we meet up again. I was surprised him to be with me. I felt why we were meeting up so
often. Then one day he told he met the Blue edge. I was so happy to find someone else did meet her. I
said him how I felt about her, everything. I was so happy to share how she was. Then I realized that I was
sharing him about her everything I ever wanted. She was lively, I wanted that. She loved her possessions
I loved it more and she was so different and carefree. I loved that as well. I never let him realize that I
found mine chosen one. I wasn’t being able to trust myself if that was right. It was so sudden so sure.
How can something that I waited for so long come over the talk of few hours? I was so sure but I wasn’t
sure. I was amazed how can, this happen to me. Shall I tell her shall I not? That night I still remember I
never slept. I was letting mind heart and head fight so that I could watch them and find out the truth.
And for the first time after a lifetime they were just looking at mine face. They were asking what are we
supposed to do. They agreed and never fought. Then I decided, to let her know. I know she was so
content and she was nowhere to be visible. I felt so strong that day, I walked miles just to find her. I was
very sure that she hated the idea of having the chosen one and me after the ugly laps I really felt the
slim chance of having her. I felt I should not say her if that is the case, at least she is there when I was
alone and I didn’t want to miss that.

I searched her everywhere but by my side. She was there as always happy as she seemed. I then told her
if she would accept me as the chosen one. I was so convinced that she would not even consider the
proposal that I didn’t wished to try hard on it. She was so amazing, as it seemed always; she heard me
calmly and made sure of mine intensions. I was pretty sure that was sympathy but I liked it. Then I got
serious since I was convinced that I could be lot happier in mine life with she around mine life. I was so
happy and wandering about. Just the feeling that I finally found that one thing I was searching so long
was making me happy. I was so content I never wished to do anything else. The other day I found the
same guy with me who talked about the blue edge was himself proposing her for life. I felt so disgusted
that I betrayed the one who showed me the way to life. I decided to walk away. I decided to go by
quietly without letting her know but something in me said that I knew the edge more than that guy I
should be honest to her. It was amazing where did I get the courage from but I did get and gave her this
letter since I had been a coward to walk away from her life. I was wishing her to reply saying stop so that
I can come back and say you asked me to stop. May be I was asking to get her confession to soon. To my
surprise she did replied and she let the decision in me. She also told that the other guy wasn’t her
chosen one and in fact she had no one.

She didn’t say yes to me but I was happy as if she did. In the mean time we became so good friends. I
was by her side always talking like a good friend. But deep down I still remember I was so worried that
what she would say. I was self possessed with the idea that she wasn’t interested may be that made me
so real that she started to like me. We talked every day; we shared everything (almost). It was fun, it
was full of life. I was getting into her so much. I was so much prepared to walk away alone in the desert
after her answer (No) that I was just trying to enjoy whatever time we had together. Every day I felt like
this is the day of “NO”. It was killing me within but yes that was the feeling like. Now that I was prepared
to hear “NO” Suddenly one day she says she wants me to be the chosen one.

All mine preparation; all mine thoughts, and all mine logics everything came crashing down like the
house of cards. I was shocked pleasantly. I loved it but I was scared now. I thought I could bring about
change in her world. She seemed so happy if anything I do would make her let down. I stepped in her.
She was so marvelous, I never mentioned that to her but she was so marvelous, amazing how people
could see something from outside and not see what is within. I was let in and it felt good. I could see
some footsteps and that were prominent. She preserved it nice but she hated it. She told me everything,
and that absolutely meant everything. I was so pleased. I never expected to get that from her. I always
found something more than I expected. I was beginning to forget what life was like in the deserts. I
wanted to live life again. Then I felt maybe I didn’t deserve her, she was so perfect. And here I was all
ragged, roughed up. Late I realized that she was looking the perfect guardian that could protect her
dream world and not just her lush green outlays. She saw that in me. I was so wrong, I was so stupid. I
always looked over her. She was all by my side all these 7 years but I could not understand her.

This is mine story. I am writing this sitting in the lap of mine edge, the very edge which I found after so
many years. One that made me realize why we needed to live by the edge. She was there protecting me
from all the dusts outside and helping me to create a new world within her. Looking at mine Journey till
date I feel now I was the luckiest one. I was in LOVE with everything of the edge and not just the edge
herself. This was so good feeling. Now I realize that this was what I was looking for. I knew I good it was.
Now I am not afraid to tell that the world was here with me. Slowly day by day I am also getting blushed
and brushed. I am being me once again. She takes good care for me. She asks her trees to shade me
when Sun falls to mine eyes. I always still question myself. I know I found the right one, the chosen one
for me, did she. Then she replies yes I did. Looks like I need to know more of her. She has so many things
in her that she was hiding it by her smiles all around. She was living by it. But she is opening up and I am
glad I am looking after her dreams. It’s just been 2 months now that I have been with her but it feels like
I am living with her for ages. That’s how much love she has filled in me. I now know that she is the one
for the life and I promise this to all that no matter what ever happens to our chosen dreams I shall look
after her dreams. And I shall take the ample opportunity to guard and fulfill her dreams. Mistake, my
mistake our dreams as it should be.

Today she is so happy, today she is so lively again. This time as she says I am the cause, I feel like I have
found mine destiny. Her soul is what I like, her life and livelihood is what I appreciate most. Now with
this I promise the whole world that I LOVE YOU my Blue edge. You have been mine destiny and I have
found it. I shall not let any stone unturned if that comes in your way. I shall always be here with you and
shall die in your lap seeing your eyes of joy that I spent my life with you. I shall always be there for you.
You do not need to say anything you want I shall fulfill it. I know I am mere a tourist in the journey but I
assure I will do everything in my will to fulfill this.

If I die without telling her all this than please someone who gets this will you let her know that I LOVE
YOU and I did everything I could to let me to you.