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d20 Dog Soul Balok's Books of Banter Book 1 - Quips & Insults
d20 Dog Soul Balok's Books of Banter Book 1 - Quips & Insults
Theres no room at the bar and a good thing Yes sir. Right away, sir. The woman backs
too: the pair of elven mages having a stare- away quickly, scooping up the coin and
down over obviously expensive bottles of depositing each one between her ample
wine shouldnt be interrupted by the likes cleavage before she disappears into the
of you. crowd.
You spy a single seat at the back, the small, You thank the mysterious stranger, unsure
uneven wooden table jiggling as the single of what youre getting into. He waves your
occupant continues to scribble in a leather- platitudes aside and pulls his hood off to
bound journal. Oblivious to your approach reveal a rather common-looking face and a
the hooded man looks up when you ask crooked smile.
for the empty seat, then nods quickly and
returns to his writing - totally focused on If you wish to repay me, then come and
drawing his quill across the blank paper. talk to me of your adventures. He waves
his hand over the blank pages.I dont want
A waitress appears out of the crowd, push- to hear about your trials necessarily, but
ing her way through with a practiced gait, the great comments and curses that have
her voluptuous bosom barely contained in made your travels more interesting than
a dirty lace bodice. the usual. His dark eyes lock with yours,
sending a chill down your spine. Some-
Thank you for coming to our establish- thing about this man is not quitenormal.
ment tonight. The well-practiced line falls Tell me whats made you smile, made your
flat. We have roast rabbit, venison stew blood run hot, made you chuckle even as
and of course some fine drinks for the tired you cursed your opponent.
traveler She pauses, waiting for your re-
sponse. You feel your mouth open and the words
spill out, barely under your own control. As
Digging in your purse you find only a few a large mug of ale appears on the wooden
coppers, being between jobs and all. The table in front of you you recall all the snide
raven-haired barmaid scowls at you as you comments and snappy retorts youve heard
slowly count out the coins into your hand. over the years
QUIPS 10. Dwarven women have beards whats
your excuse?
3. Your dice, my hammer. Throw them 15. Shes about as deep as a dwarfs first
again. dig!
4. Your mothers sisters father told that 16. His hammers made of rotten wood.
to my fathers friends cousin (twice
removed) so it MUST be true.
8. Youve got pretty small stones for your 2. Your mother must have been a human.
clan.
3. You couldnt tell a maple from a larch.
9. Want me to carry your hammer for you?
4. My people were building cities while
your ancestors were still discovering
opposable thumbs.
11. You make more noise than a herd of 21. Everyone has a place in the forest.
dwarves! Everyone, except for you.
12. Do you have moss between your 22. Everyone has a place in the forest. Yours
ears? is just beyond the last tree.
13. You shoot a crooked arrow.
23. Shes like your favorite bow well-worn,
14. Youre more crooked than that arrow. a loose pull and an easy kill.
15. Youre more crooked than your aim. 24. You do know that you hold the string at
the back of the bow, right?
16. His bow isnt the most crooked thing
about him.
25. Sure hes a great tracker to the tavern
17. Hes like moss always where hes not and back!
wanted, damp and usually foul smelling.
26. He couldnt track a Fire Golem in a dry
forest.
7. Size doesnt matter. Really. 2. Ive been in better rabbit holes than this
place.
8. Ever had a halflings footprint on your
face? 3. Illusionist, yes miracle worker, no.
9. You know what they say about large feet, 4. Well, it looked like a good idea.
right?
5. One little mispronounced word yes, itll
10. Hes like fresh pipeweed green and wear off. I think. I hope.
barely tolerable.
6. A good cave is worth any set of plate
11. Wisdom is like a good pouch of pipe- mail.
weed eked out in small doses and trea-
sured by those who can appreciate it. 7. Bravery is all fine and well but it doesnt
put gold into your purse.
12. Dont think of it as being robbed. Think
of it as your purse being liberated. 8. You call it cowardice, I say its a well-
2. Two fangs good, one fang bad. 13. Youre sure your other parent wasnt a
golem?
3. Yes, that IS my mother!
15. Hide in shadows? Maybe hide in MY 19. If I wanted simple Id call a dwarf.
shadow
20. I belong to an exclusive club. (hefts tree
16. Im about as beautiful as you are useful. branch) This one, to be precise.
1. May your blade cut like a rusted spoon. 9. Hurry Up! Treants move faster than you
do!
2. Thats about as useful as a paladin in a
whorehouse. 10. Anyone who carries a sword that big is
compensating for something
3. You sing like a wounded kobold.
11. Are you sure youre not wearing a ring
4. Id rather play cards with a beholder. of delusion?
5. Id rather kiss a lich. 12. You shoot like a cyclops with an eye-
patch.
6. You smell like a lichs britches!
13. Ive seen better armor in a pile of rust
7. That wizard seems a bit TOO familiar with monster droppings.
his familiar, if you know what I mean
14. You smell like a wererat in heat.
8. Youre as strong as an ogre all right - too
bad its your breath. 15. Youve got a better chance counting the
warts on a slaad.
16. Nice spell, fumblefingers. 32. You go first Ive got a strong survival
instinct.
17. You smell as bad as a troglodyte and
youre only half as handsome. 33. Dont call me expendable!
18. If you think thats true, your helmet is on 34. Youre the sand in the cyclops eye!
too tight.
35. Youre more twisted than a mindflayers
19. Ive never seen a spell cast with such tentacles!
skill and technique before! Too bad it didnt
work. 36. If youre going to pray, pray faster!
20. Id sooner trust a doppleganger! 37. Kiss my shiny plate mail-covered butt!
21. This tastes like an orc cooked it! Or sat in 38. You going to kiss that or kill it?
it
39. You smell like an otyughs outhouse!
22. You fight like a wounded barbarian
well the crying part anyway. 40. Id sooner shake hands with a chull than
trust you!
23. That blow was so light you might as well
left the scabbard on your blade! 41. Scrape the mold off your sword and do
something!
24. A mindflayer would starve to death if it
caught you. 42. You make a goblin seem smart.
25. You smell like a wet werewolf. 43. Run up there and be a distraction while
I get away er, go for help.
26. Its not alchemy, people!
44. Do I look like your personal shield?
27. You hold your sword like a kobold - like
youre about to drop it. 45. You make a drow seem positively sunny!
28. If youre going to fall on your sword, let 46. Youve got a better chance of having a
me get out of the way first. And hold it for druid buy a house in the city!
you.
47. You move like a shambling mound; a
29. Youre unluckier than a tone-deaf bard. drunken shambling mound.
30. My robe is NOT a napkin! 48. Ive seen gelatinous cubes with more
personality.
31. Im going to whoop you like a rust mon-
ster on an iron golem! 49. You call that quiet? Ive heard less noise
from ogres in plate mail!
50. Stealth does NOT mean you always 66. The last time he had a date he had to
show up last after the fighting is over to use charm monster! And grease. And en-
loot the bodies. large.
51. Backstab the enemy, not your team- 67. Hes got a codpiece two times too large.
mates!
68. Her spellbooks a few pages short.
52. Youd drive a madman to sanity.
69. Traveling with him is like dancing on
53. You smell like a hellhounds drool! caltrops no matter what you do youll end
up hurting!
54. Youre more crooked than a woodland
path. 70. Hes as brave as his shield is large and
hes using a buckler!
55. Talk is cheap but Ill pay you to shut
up! 71. Shes good at backstabbing with and
without a dagger!
56. Sure, theres dumb luck but youre too
dumb to have it. 72. Im not saying that shes ugly, but shed
give a gorgon a run for her money!
57. Its kill FIRST then loot, you idiot!
73. Good thing you brought all that rope
58. Youre thicker than an ogres hide. easier to hang you!
59. If I wanted to go someplace dark, dank- 74. Last date he had didnt survive the turn
smelling and depressing Id visit my in-laws! undead attempt.
60. Ive seen better steeds at the local tav- 75. Shes always good at advancing to the
ern on the menu! rear!
61. Being a sidekick means being at my 76. Hes good at finding every trap there is
side so I can kick you! and tripping them!
62. Ive had paper cuts worse than this 77. If he had to sing for his supper hed
wound! starve to death.
63. Youve got a better chance of stealing 78. Last spell he cast incinerated a group
from the thieves guild than pulling this off. of goblins two miles away. Of course, it was
supposed to be aimed at the horde of frost
64. If I had a gold piece for every idiot like giants in front of us.
you Ive killed, I could rival a dragons horde!
79. If he had a coat of arms, itd include a
65. Ive had better conversations with zom- chickens head and the back end of a stal-
bies. lion.
80. Someone as ugly as you could scare a 95. Some people ride to your rescue he
ghast. walks backwards.
81. Your souls so dark you make a lich seem 96. Hes a fine judge of horseflesh just
charitable. taste his stew!
82. With a personality like yours Id stay 97. Im not saying you cant count on him,
clear of the cleric dont want to get but hes had more resurrections than
caught in any turn undead attempts. youve had meals!
83. Your mother obviously chose the lesser 98. Hes about as stealthy as a bull elephant
of two evils and married him! in heat!
84. Youre as useful as a druid in full plate! 99. Ive seen more danger in the middle of
the market square!
85. Ill fight for a good cause just not
yours! 100. The cow looked better in that leather
armor.
86. Your fingers may be nimble, but sos my
sword! 101. Hes got as much magical ability as my
loincloth.
87. Hes got bulls strength but a feeble-
mind. 102. As a packhorse shes great as a war-
rior, not so much.
88. Hes got the heart of a lion but the mind
of a mouse. 103. Lets just say he doesnt need to be a
wizard to cast stinking cloud.
89. Shes so dumb she gets bruised knuck-
les from using knock. 104. Im not saying shes unlucky, but the
last cleric who cast bless near her fell down
90. Id rather massage a stone golem! a mineshaft a minute later.
A paladins ego.
A bad rogues reputation.
A bards songbook.
A dragons greed.
A drows Heart.
A halflings purse.
A city guards attention span.
An assassins mercy.
A barbarians patience.