1

clouded

Trey Crisp

Inhale. Hold it. Let it expand in your chest. Let it consume you.

Excuse me, sir.

Danny was staring off into space, daydreaming as he leaned against the wall, his eyes
squinting in the bright Kansas sun. He breathed in deeply, holding his breath. Feeling the smoke,
letting the smoke encompass him, wanting it to. In his minds eye there were two happy, healthy
lungs beginning to turn a dull, hopeless gray. The smoke filled him with relief. The two lungs
held hands as they grew weak and began to die together. They wondered why someone would do
this to them. A sideways smirk came to Dannys lips.

That magical smoke released a wave of nicotine into Dannys body and in turn, absorbed
his every worry, every doubt. A price he was willing to pay. The parasitic relationship was worth
it as long as he could have a moment of respite. Was it parasitic? Or was it symbiotic? There was
a give and take, but the scales seemed to be balanced in one direction. He exhaled with a sigh
and watched as that light smoke floated away from him. A ghost exiting the body for a short time
before it came back to haunt in a more material form.

Sir, this is an airport. You cannot smoke in this area. There is a designated smoking area
twenty feet away, a short, angry woman said forcefully. Danny came out of his daydream. The
woman emphasized her Ts too much and it sent an uncomfortable chill down Dannys spine,
like nails on a chalkboard.

Huh? Oh, oh sorry. Im just waiting for my ride, Danny picked up his duffel bag as the
woman waved smoke out of her face in an over-exaggerated manner.

Well you can wait over there, sir. the woman spat her venom into Dannys face. Danny
began to wave her anger out of his face in the same manner and the woman stared at him with
resentment.

As if twenty feet is going to make a fucking difference. It wouldnt have made a difference
for Mom. He walked to the designated smoking area and sat down on the bench. A gust of wind
came as he took another long drag of his cigarette and a tightness gripped his chest. He came to
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the realization that he was going to see him after almost ten years and the tightness increased. An
itch in his throat began to grow until he couldnt help but cough, and with the first one came the
rest. He bent over and his cigarette fell out from between his fingers. He tried to catch his breath
but couldnt. He was reminded of little league baseball when he missed a pop fly and his dad said
that he couldnt catch anything to save his goddamn life.

It was as if the ghost he let out just a few moments ago had come back and stood behind
him, with its hands in his back, wrapping its incorporeal fingers around his sad lungs and
squeezing. It didnt like the worries that it took and decided to re-gift them like a bad sweater.
There was no ghost though. Only Danny, with the issues he couldnt shake, his smokers cough,
and his crippling fear of facing him.

As he was about head back into the airport and buy the first available ticket out of his
hometown, Aunt Sherrie, the aforementioned ride, pulled up in a familiar silver Lincoln Town
Car. It looked the exact same as the last time he saw it and that only made it harder for him to
catch his breath. The car jerked to a stop and Sherrie got out of the car to check on him.

Sugar, are you alright? Here, drink this. Sherrie offered him a bottle of water. He
gratefully took the bottle while Sherrie bent down to get his small duffle bag with the mallards
on the side. She delicately placed the bag in the backseat. You still have this old thing? Isnt this
the bag my dad used to carry around everywhere he went?

Yeah, its the same one. Its the only thing I have to remember Grandpa by, Danny said
when he regained his composure. He slid into the passenger seat of the old Lincoln. Thanks for
grabbing the bag for me, I dont know what happened there. Coughing fit just struck me.

Well you were in the smoking area, Im guessing you picked up a couple bad habits in
the decade since youve been home, Sherrie said it in a humorous tone, but he knew there was
disappointment veiled underneath it.

Ive been trying to quit, he lied. It was strange being back in this car after so long. The
cigarette burns on the floor and dashboard were just as visible as ever. Danny looked in the back
and sure enough, there was still that same apple juice stain on the floorboard from when his
brother, Hank, was five. The carpeting and leather had developed a slight brown tint but nothing
had really changed; only gotten older. Walter had always thought this car was worth more than it
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was. He remembered when Walter tried to trade it in but stormed out of the dealership because
they wouldnt give him the price he wanted. It didnt get driven much after that, Walter bought a
new car, but he held on to the old Lincoln for some reason. Sherrie drove this car on purpose.

Looks like you and your father have at least one thing in common. There was no humor
to hide her disappointment with that one. Do you want to know how hes doing?

Not really, Danny said as he continued to look around the car. I only came because
you asked me to. He saw Sherrie wince as she pulled onto the highway. He chose his words
carefully because Sherrie knew the story; she knew all of it. He wanted them to sting just
enough.

Well its not good, I dont think he has long. Theyve got him hooked up to all these
machines, they said he suffered a massive heart attack due to all his years of smoking.

Parliament White 100s, two packs a day. Trust me, I know. Looks like more than just
the flavor touched his lips, Danny said snidely. He took a deep breath and could smell Walter in
the car. Cigarettes and Polo cologne had lingered after all these years. Why did he come back
here?

Daniel, cut your father some slack, Jesus Christ. He just wants to say goodbye, Sherrie
said.

Yeah, maybe he couldve said goodbye to mom too. Yknow, since he killed her. He
looked out the window and his breath became labored again. An intense craving for a cigarette
materialized. He took a deep breath and thought back to the last time he saw his mom.

Danny was fourteen, he was sitting with Hank next to his moms hospital bed. Sherrie
was sitting at the foot of the bed. She had driven them because Walter was nowhere to be found.
Mom was in bed, her frame had shrunk into nothingness. It was if she was floating just a
millimeter off the bed, instead of actually lying in it. There was a tube around her head that
provided a constant stream of oxygen to her. A steady beeping was the only thing telling them
that her heart was still beating.

Mom had never been a large woman, but she had always had an air of strength to her.
That strength had all but vanished. Danny held back tears as he looked at his mother. Her
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beautiful, olive skin had turned to a bleak greyish flesh color that looked no thicker than rice
paper. Her thick, chocolate brown hair was completely gone. Her thin, pianist fingers were
broken twigs now. The only way that he knew it was still his mother was by the smell of her. She
always smelled so nice even though she was around Walters smoke all the time. He breathed in
her scent deeply, lavender and white grapes. It always reminded him of spring. Her breath was
shallow and weak. She inhaled and he could hear the air fighting to get to her dying lungs. It was
like she was breathing through a straw, not allowing enough air, never enough air.

Mom stirred in her sleep and her eyes fluttered open just barely. She moved her hand
towards her kids and tried to speak, but words didnt come.

Mom, its okay, dont try to speak. He stood up from his chair and held his moms
hand. His face got hot as tears started to well up in his eyes. His left eye started to throb with
pain from where he had been hit. He told everyone, even the doctor that had asked, that hed
gotten in a fight at school.

Mom didnt listen to his words and tried to speak again. Boys, she finally said, weaker
than a whisper. Hank stood up now. Her lips tried to turn up into a smile but couldnt, they could
see the smile in her loving green eyes. I love you both, she said slowly. Danny clenched his
jaw and squeezed his eyes shut to hold back tears. Something caught it his chest and it was hard
to breath. Mom closed her eyes again for the last time.

He held on to her hand for what felt like hours, and in that time something grew inside
him. Sadness came first, and it stayed for a long time. Anger came after that. Anger towards the
world, towards every god he could think of, towards his father, and finally anger towards
himself. That anger turned into resentment, and that resentment turned into hate. He blamed his
father for smoking, for causing his mothers illness, for ending her life. Most of all, he blamed
himself for not being able to do anything to stop it. That was the day that Walter stopped being
Dad and started being Walter. That was also the day Danny snuck his first cigarette.

There was a bump and the car shook. He was brought out of his thoughts and realized
that they were in the parking lot of the hospital.

Jesus, Sherrie, you could handle the bumps a little better, he joked.
 5

Well, next time you can drive if youre just going to complain, Sherrie retorted. That
was one thing he had missed all these years. His Aunt Sherrie was not only the cool aunt, but
she was also a good friend. They had a back and forth that came naturally to the two of them,
more like brother and sister than aunt and nephew.

Is Hank here? He asked.

Yeah, hes been here the whole time, Sherrie said, pulling into a parking spot.

Of course he has. He opened the passenger door with a frustrated shove. Always the
golden boy.

Whats that supposed to mean? Sherrie looked at him from across the roof of the car.

You know what it means, Sherrie. Lets just go inside, shall we? he gestured for her to
take the lead with a slight bow.

In the hospital, they went up three floors to where Walters room was. When they got to
the right hall way, Hank was closing the door to what must have been Walters room. Danny saw
Hank look up and they locked eyes. A small smile spread across his face. His little brother
looked good. He had a suit on, his hair was cut really close into a fade. Hanks clean shaven face
didnt have a wrinkle on it. He compared himself to his brother and felt small for a moment. His
brother looked like he had his shit together; that made him happy. At least one Pearson kid was
doing alright.

Hey, Hank. Long time, Danny said softly. He put his hand out towards Hank.

Hank smiled at his brother and pulled his hand back in a fist. Dannys smile fell as
Hanks fist came flying forward and connected with the left side of his face. He lost his balance
and fell on the ground.

What the fuck, Hank? Sherrie looked in disbelief.

Its okay, I deserved it. I didnt tell him I was leaving, Danny said.

Youre fucking right you didnt tell me, Hank said, trying not to shout. I havent seen
you in ten years and you show up trying to act like everythings cool? Fuck you, Danny.
 6

I tried to call you Hank. I tried to text you, I tried to email you. Plenty of times, Danny
shot back from his place on the ground.

Why would I want to talk to you? You ditched me. You hung me out to dry, Hank said.

Hank, Sherrie said. I asked him to come. Hes your brother. In a few days, hell maybe
a few hours, Danny wont have a reason to stay away anymore. Now stop being a dick. Sherrie
went in Walters room and closed the door behind her.

Hank shook his hand to dull the pain and then helped Danny up. You look like shit, the
beard looks alright though, he said.

Feel like it too, Danny laughed. Hank stared back at him with intense eyes. It was too
soon to laugh it off.

Sherrie tell you how he is? Hank asked.

Yeah, not good evidently, Danny said.

Yep, that about sums it up. Hank shook his head. You want to come inside?

Dannys chest tightened and he started to breath heavier. His imaginary ghost friend
returned and slid its hands into his back once more. I, I think Im going to wait. I need some
water first.

Sure, theres a soda machine and a water fountain around the corner next to the
bathroom. Hank pointed back the way they came.

He headed towards the bathroom as Hank went into Walters room. He wished that his
chest would just relax. He just needed to breathe, or he needed a cigarette. In. Out. Calm down
Danny.

He splashed water on his face in the bathroom and took a deep breath.

Another.

Another.

He started to calm down. The tightness in his chest relaxed and he thought about his
surroundings. He hadnt been home in so long. He hadnt seen Walter, or Sherrie, or Hank in ten
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years. Ten fucking years. Why did he even leave? Danny started to think about the night he
decided he had to leave. He was taken back to that moment that was the final straw.

Danny was eighteen, it was three days before he graduated high school. A friend was
having a graduation party and he made a plan to sneak out and go. Walter would never give him
permission. It was 11:30 at night, Walter had work the next morning so he thought he would be
safe trying to leave. The house was dark, spare the light coming from the end table lamp in the
living room that they always kept on. He crept down the hall past Hanks shut door and made it
to the living room. Just 15 more feet and he would be in the clear, free to celebrate with his
friends.

As he tip-toed across the living room he heard a familiar sound. Three ice cubes were
being dropped into a highball glass behind him.

Where you headed, son? Walters tone was cool and menacing. There was no inflection
in his words. He turned around slowly to see his father standing behind the bar just around the
corner he couldnt see as he entered into the living room. He didnt even consider the bar, a
costly mistake that he shouldve thought of.

I, uhh, was just headed out for a bit. Danny felt a lump form in his throat. His shoulders
tensed up with panic.

You didnt answer my question son, Walter said. He pulled the cap off of a bottle
Macallan 18 and tipped it so it flowed slowly over the ice cubes. There was a cigarette between
his lips and even more butts in the ashtray on the bar top. The ashes of Walters cigarette fell
onto the countertop. The slow cracking of the ice made his body tense even more. Three fingers
worth of scotch filled the glass and Walter set the bottle down. Walter never drank, the bottle had
just been opened. This wasnt a good sign.

Sorry, Jessica was having a graduation party and I was going to go to that, Danny tried
to stay completely still. Maybe if he didnt move Walter would forget he was there and he could
get away safely.

A party? I love parties. Why dont you and I have a party? We can party. Walter came
out from behind the bar and approached Danny. He stood silent. You dont want to party with
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your old man? Alright, fine. Let me ask you Danny, were you planning on driving to this party?
Walter took a small sip of scotch. Walters tone sounded more and more menacing.

I, uh, yeah. Danny took a step back. Walter saw this and fury flashed in his eyes. He
threw his glass towards Danny and it smashed into a thousand little pieces against the wall.

Where you going Danny? You afraid of your old man? Walter moved quickly across
the room and Danny backed up in fear. Walter grabbed Dannys shirt and slammed him against
the wall. You were going to drive the car that I bought for you to a party?

Danny looked at his father then around the room, trying to figure out what to do, how to
get away. Thats when he saw Hank standing just inside the hall to their rooms. He was statue-
like, frozen in place, too afraid to say anything to try and stop it. Hank was always safe. Walter
never berated or abused Hank.

Im sorry, Danny said weakly.

After everything Ive done for you? After Im the one who raised you? Youre going to
disrespect me like this? Walter shouted in his face, his breath reeked of cigarettes and Danny
felt sick to his stomach even though he was used to the smell. The vice grip on his shirt got
tighter. Something inside him snapped.

You raised me? You? Danny shouted back. I raised myself! You havent done a thing
for me since we found out mom was sick. You should be ashamed, youre the reason she ever got
cancer in the first place. Danny didnt care anymore. He deserved it for being too weak to help
Mom.

Walter pulled his fist back.

Do it. Its not like you havent before.

Walters fist came barreling down like a freight train and Dannys world went dark.

He opened his eyes and fluorescent light reflected his image in the mirror. He stood in the
hospital bathroom breathing in deeply, exhaling fully. The reflection in the mirror stared back at
him with tired eyes. What was he so afraid of? The image of Walter throwing him against the
hospital wall burst into his minds eye. Feelings of guilt and anger flooded his mind as he
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thought about being blamed for ruining his grandpas funeral. All the times that Walter had made
him feel small, or weak, or guilty came back to him and he didnt want to feel like that anymore.
The reflection in the mirror changed from the twenty-eight year old man to the fourteen year old
kid who had just lost his mom. On the inside he was that same kid, still afraid, still angry. The
same kid still doing the very thing that killed his mom as some fucked up form of meditation.

He walked out of the bathroom and headed back towards Walters room. Hank was
outside the room on the phone. He stopped at the door to Walters room and looked at the
ground, fists clenched. Hank hung up the phone and looked at Danny.

Whats up man? Hank asked.

I cant do this, was all Danny said. Danny turned around and headed back towards the
stairs. Hank stood there for a moment, mouth hanging open, before he followed.

Danny, wait. Wait up man, Hank called after him. Danny raced down the stairs and out
the entrance to the hospital before Hank caught up to him. Will you wait a minute?

What Hank? Why do you want me to wait? he turned around to face his brother. He
reached into his pocket and took out a cigarette. There was a crippling need to smoke filling his
entire being.

Well, first of all, Sherrie was your ride so you cant leave. Second, we need to talk. And
third, you smoke now?

I cant go in there, not after all this time. I cant face him. Its too hard. And, yes. I
smoke, Danny took a long drag of his cigarette and his body relaxed.

Hold on a minute, I get that, but you smoke? Hank was incredulous. Are you serious?
You know what his smoking did to mom, Danny. Hank sat down on the bench next to the
hospital entrance and Danny sat next to him.

Yeah, I know, but I cant help it. Its the only thing that calms me down. Another long
drag. The cigarette was almost half gone already.

But you saw what she looked like, it was barely Mom, Hank said staring at the ground.
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I know. Its complicated. It feels like the one thing that I can control completely in my
life. Ive always felt like there was something I couldve done to help, or to save mom. I guess I
smoke because I feel guilty, Danny said.

You feel guilty? Danny you were fourteen. There wasnt anything we couldve done.
Mom was with Dad for like twenty-five years and he smoked the whole time. Hank tried to
reason with him.

I know, Ive just always felt responsible.

Alright man, but dont get mad at anyone but yourself when you end up like either of
our parents, Hanks voice had a sad, defeated tone to it. They sat together for a long moment
before Hank asked, Whyd you leave Danny?

Im sorry Hank, Danny said sincerely. I dont know what happened that night but it
was all I could take. I had to get out.

Yeah but, you left me there, he couldve done the same things to me that he did to you.

But he didnt, did he? Danny snubbed out his cigarette on the concrete He wouldnt
have done that stuff to you. I always kind of resented you a little bit for that, yknow?

Thats pretty fucked Danny.

Yeah, I know. Im a pretty fucked up guy, Danny laughed. Hank chuckled with him this
time. You were always his favorite. For good reason, I guess, look at you, Mr. Suit and Tie.

Yeah, I guess so. You took after dad by smoking, I took after him by becoming a
lawyer, Hank said.

I guess were both a little fucked up then. Danny joked. Hank pushed him lightly in the
shoulder. So is he any different?

Yeah, hes still a dick, but at least now he feels bad about it, Hank let out a little
chuckle. You want to see for yourself?

Danny inhaled fresh air deeply. Honestly, not really.

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Hank looked at him intently. Look man, Sherries right. You dont have to see him for
him, but I need you. I dont think I can do this without you.

Alright. They stood up together.

Inside the hospital, they stood outside of Walters door. Hank opened the door and walked
into Walters room. Danny took one more deep breath and stepped through the threshold. For the
first time in ten years, he saw Walter. He was asleep, lying in a hospital gown. Walter still had the
same muscular frame but it had diminished, he was smaller now. His hair was cut the exact same
way except there was more salt than pepper in it now and he had a five oclock shadow on his
face.

The image of Mom flashed before his eyes and he saw Walter for what he really was. A
weak man who lost his father and wife and couldnt cope with the stress, so he took it out on the
closest target. Walter wasnt the big, bad monster that he had been when Danny was a kid
anymore. Walter was a child on the inside, just like his son. Danny couldnt be thrown around
anymore, he couldnt be berated anymore. A strength that had never been there before arose
within him.

He took slow steps towards Walters bed, as if each one was across a frozen lake with the
icy water just inches below him. His breath caught in his chest, but he tried to remain calm. Deep
breaths. Walters skin was the same color that Moms had been when she died. The smell was the
same as it had always been.

He reached the side of Walters bed after what seemed like an eternity and looked down
at his father. Walter was hooked up to a ventilator and Dannys breath fell in time with the
machine. Walter had a tube in his throat. He almost felt bad for Walter.

The doctor said that the trach tube would allow him to speak better, Sherrie said, not
looking up from her magazine.

Great, so he can talk, Danny said too loudly. Walters eyes began to flutter open and
they looked at each other for the first time in forever. He didnt know what it was, but something
in Walters eyes said that he regretted everything he had done.
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Walters mouth curved up into a small, weak smile. Im sorry, Walter let out the words
slowly, letting them hang in the air. Danny almost couldnt hear them. They were soft, sincere.

Danny nodded and his eyes welled up with tears. His breath caught in his chest again and
he swallowed hard. He felt like his ghost was going to come back and tighten around his lungs
again but it didnt. He felt that crippling need for a cigarette again, but he pushed it away. He
resisted with all his might. Somewhere in that moment, between the respirations, between all of
the years and all of the words that couldnt be taken back, he let go. He let go of all the anger and
fear that he had bottled up for so long. He let go of the resentment that he felt for the loss of his
mother. He let go of the worry that he would end up just like his father. He closed his eyes and
tears streamed down his cheeks. He let go because he needed to. His chest relaxed and for the
first time since he was fourteen years old, Danny could breathe.