SKULDUGGERY PLEASANT

Written By

Lottie Dance

Based On

Skulduggery Pleasant

BY

Derek Landy

Season 1 Episode 1

Pilot
 1

PREFACE

Hi, whoever happens to be reading this. I would like to

take a moment of your time to quickly talk about two very
important things.

Number One. This is a fanmade screenplay. This is not an

official Skulduggery Pleasant tv show pilot. Im not a
professional screenwriter. I suck. Really, I do. Go read
a real movie script, then come back and read this. It
sucks.

Number Two. This is a working document. That means that I

am constantly adding to, updating and changing this
script. What you read now may not have been what the
person before you had read, nor will it be what the
person after you will read. I am constantly working, and
will be until Im finished or dead. Whichever comes
first.

Other than those two things, I have nothing more to say

other than I thoroughly hope you enjoy reading this
screenplay, and if you have any feedback/criticism/want
to tell me how awful/good/funny/horrifying this script
is, you can do one or many of the following things:

PM on Facebook (if you happen to have me on facebook)

Tweet me! I love being tweeted. @LottiesaurusVAs

If youre a dinosaur and still use Tumblr, you can find

me there! @LottiesaurusVA

If youre actually a dinosaur and still use an email, you

can email me! lottiedancemusic@outlook.com

Enjoy.

- Lottie Dance
 2

EXT. GRAVEYARD AFTERNOON

A warm afternoon. A funeral service. People in black are

stood around a grave, doing what people do at funerals.
Stood at the far side of the grave is STEPHANIE Edgley, a
girl not even in her early teens, slim with dark hair and
eyes to match. Strong willed, intelligent, sharp-tongued.
Doesnt suffer fools gladly. But we dont know who she is
just yet. For now, she is just another member of the
congregation.

We pan over the scene, as a disembodied voice is heard

over it. This is GORDON Edgley, but we dont know this
yet.

GORDON

Gordon Edgleys sudden death came as a shock to

everyone not least himself. One moment he was in
his study, seven words into the twenty-fifth
sentence of the final chapter of his new book, And
the Darkness Rained upon Them, and the next he was
dead. A tragic loss, his mind echoed numbly as he
slipped away.

We pan over the faces of people at the funeral. There

seems to be a clear distinction between family and
acquaintances. His family seem to be genuinely upset, and
moved by the service. The acquaintances faces are dead.

GORDON

The funeral was attended by family and

acquaintances, but not many friends. Gordon hadnt
been a well-liked figure in the publishing world,
for although the books he wrote tales of horror
and magic and wonder regularly reared their heads
in the bestseller lists, he had the disquieting
habit of insulting people without realizing it,
then laughing at their shock.
SLAM TO:

INT. GORDONS STUDY, ALTHOUGH WE DONT SEE IT IN FULL

We see exactly what he described, although we dont hear

it. Gordon says something, we dont know what, but it
must be bad from the look of pure dumb-struck horror on
 3

the other persons face. They look like a bit of an

idiot. Gordon laughs at this.

SLAM TO:

EXT. GRAVEYARD LATE AFTERNOON

The service is ending. The casket is being lowered into

the ground, yadayada. We focus in on Stephanie, whos
attention has been caught by a tall man in a tan
overcoat, stood under a tree away from the crowd. The
coat is buttoned up all the way to the top, and he has a
scarf covering the lower half of his face. He wears a
wide brimmed hat, covering a wild mess of frizzy hair,
and has large, almost comedically so, sunglasses on.
Stephanie watches this estranged man for a moment, before
he catches on. He turns, walking down a row of headstones
and disappearing around a corner. Stephanie turns her
attention back to the service, but its already over.

CUT TO:

INT. CAR EARLY EVENING

Stephanie is sat in the back of a car, her mother,

MELISSA Edgley in the drivers seat and father, DESMOND
Edgley, at her side in the passengers seat. She gazes
out the window at the scenery old buildings, a small
creek with a humped bridge that they drive over, before
they head down a winding road framed with thick woodland.
We arrive at the house. We pan up on the house: grand,
stately, with a large, heavy gate standing open in front
of it. The grounds are huge, and the house is even
bigger.

INT. GORDONS HOUSE LIVING ROOM

Soft music is playing, and the sound of quiet chatter.

There are people sat on sofas and chairs, some standing,
predominantly around a coffee table with drinks and
various snacks on it. Stephanies mother brings in
another silver tray of sandwiches, which mourners dig
into almost immediately. The guests are casually
appraising their surroundings.

We see Stephanie sat in an arm chair beside a bookcase,

holding a mug, quietly watching everyone from the corner.
We then see Stephanies father talking to her uncle,
FERGUS, a horrible little man.

We can see the greed plastered onto his face as he talks.

Her father walks away, and Fergus looks around. He
quickly grabs some form of silverware, shoving it into
his jacket pocket, making sure no one saw him.
 4

We briefly cut back to Stephanie, who has noticed this.

She frowns, but doesnt say anything. Cut to BERYL,
milling amongst the crowd. She is a thoroughly
dislikeable, sharp featured woman. The sort of woman that
you would see in the street and immediately just know
what an awful person they were.

We cut back to Stephanie once again, who does not look

impressed, as two girls walk past her. We follow them.
This is CAROL and CRYSTAL, her cousins. Twins, fifteen
years old. Bottle blond, stumpy, and dressed in clothes
that makes them bulge in all the wrong places. Apart from
the same colour eyes, youd never guess they were related
to Stephanie. They both look at Stephanie as the pass,
and whisper to one another. They giggle and move over to
the food. What bitches.

Stephanie gets up, placing her mug on a small side table

next to her chair, and leaves the room.

INT. GORDONS HOUSE DOWNSTAIRS CORRIDOR

The corridors of the house are long and lined with

paintings. The floor beneath Stephanies feet are wooden,
polished so much that they reflect. The entire house
seems stately and pristine.

Stephanie ascends the staircase.

INT. GORDONS HOUSE STUDY

She pushes open the door to the study, and enters. The
walls are filled with the framed covers of Gordons
bestsellers, and awards. One wall is made up of shelves
jammed with books of all calibres. At the back wall sits
Gordons desk. She moves over to it. She looks at the
chair (where hed died), running her finger along the
back. She stares intently at it, as if trying to imagine
him there, how he must have slumped-

SKULDUGGERY

At least he died doing what he loved.

Its the weird overcoat man from the funeral. His hands
are gloved. His voice is like velvet. Tall, and thin,
standing perfectly still, unmoving. This is SKULDUGGERY
Pleasant, but we dont know this yet.

STEPHANIE

Yes. At least theres that.

 5

SKULDUGGERY

Youre one of his nieces, then?

He studies her for a moment.

CONTD

Youre not stealing anything, youre not breaking

anything, so I guess you must be Stephanie.
She nods. After a brief silence, and an unsuspicious
examination of the strange, tall man.

STEPHANIE

Were you a friend of his?

SKULDUGGERY

I was.
He tilts his head.

Ive known him for years, met him outside a bar in

New York when I was over there, back when he had
just published his first novel.
STEPHANIE

Are you a writer too?

SKULDUGGERY

Me? No, I wouldnt know where to start. No But I

got to live out my writer fantasies through Gordon.
What.

STEPHANIE

You had writer fantasies?

SKULDUGGERY

Doesnt everyone?
STEPHANIE

I dont know. I dont think so.

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SKULDUGGERY

Oh. Oh. Then that would make me seem kind of odd,

wouldnt it?
STEPHANIE

Well, it would help.

SKULDUGGERY

Gordon used to talk about you all the time, boast

about his little niece. He was an individual of
character, your uncle. It seems that you are too.
STEPHANIE

You say that like you know me.

SKULDUGGERY

Strong willed, intelligent, sharp-tongued, doesnt

suffer fools gladly Remind you of anyone?
STEPHANIE

Yes. Gordon.
SKULDUGGERY

Interesting. Because those are the exact words he

used to describe you.
He takes an ornate pocket watch on a gold chain out of
his pocket and examines it as Stephanie stares at him
dumbly.

Ah. I must be off. It was good to meet you,

Stephanie. Good luck in whatever you decide to do
with your life.
He turns and leaves the room, leaving Stephanie standing
and staring at the spot where the man had been. She
wanders out of the study. Hes not there. She frowns,
speedily trotting down the stairs.

INT. GORDONS HOUSE DOWNSTAIRS CORRIDOR

Hes not here either. She hurries through the grand hall
to the front door, opening it just in time to see
 7

EXT. GORDONS HOUSE ENTRANCE

A big black car turns out onto the road. We linger on

this image for a moment, then see Stephanies face,
staring with confound confusion. She watches for a
moment, then moves back into the house.

INT. GORDONS HOUSE LIVING ROOM

Stephanie enters the room just in time to catch Fergus

slipping a silver ash tray into his pocket. She sighs,
falling back into the arm chair she was previously in.
She picks up her mug and takes a sip. Its cold, and she
doesnt like this. She places it back down and watches
everyone. We can see her mind wiring in her eyes, curious
about the strange, tall, thin man she had met in the
study. We focus in on her for a brief moment, finishing
the sequence perfectly as the music draws to a close.

CUT TO:

INT. THE EDGLEY HOUSEHOLD STEPHANIES BEDROOM

Stephanies bedroom is light and airy, but small. White

walls, pale-tan wood flooring. There is a large window on
the far wall, covered by a blind. The light from the
streetlamps outside her window shine through, creating
orange boxes on her wall.

There is a bed tucked in the corner beside the window,

the wall sloping up above the bed. It is neatly made;
white covers with a rug-like throw over it.

There is a desk in the room, also white, with various

school supplies, a desk lamp, and some small, potted
plants in plastic white containers on the desk and
windowsill. A couple of cacti, a succulent or two, maybe
a snake plant. A black desk chair is tucked under the
desk. That chair has seen better days.

Against another wall is a large wardrobe, matching the

aesthetic, with some detailing but nothing fancy. One of
the doors has a large, full length mirror on it. There
are pictures on the walls, but they are few and far
between, and a pin board, the same colour wood as the
floor.

A large bookcase, also matching, stands against one wall.

It is jam packed with books, DVDs, comic books and box
sets, and the two sides are covered in various posters,
probably for the same things that are in the bookcase.

The room would be considered neat, if it wasnt for the

clothes, books and papers strewn around the room. There
is an iPod on a black docking station on a bedside table.
Music is playing from it, quietly. Lets go with Fink.
 8

Stephanie is leant over her bed, searching for something.

She has changed out of her funeral clothes into jeans, a
hoodie and some running shoes. Her hair is pulled up into
a ponytail. There is a knock at the door, and MELISSA
enters. She is still in her funeral attire. Shes the
kind of mother youd want to have. Your best friends
mom.

MELISSA

(A tad surprised) We got a call from Gordons

lawyer. They want us at the reading of the will.
STEPHANIE

(Still Searching) Oh. What do you think he left

you?
MELISSA

Well, well find out tomorrow. You too, because

youre coming with us
Stephanies searching comes to a sudden halt. She begins
to pay attention.

STEPHANIE

I am?
MELISSA

Your names on the list; thats all I know. Were

leaving at ten, okay?
STEPHANIE

Im supposed to be helping Dad in the morning.

MELISSA

He called Gladys, asked her to fill in for a few

hours, as a favor. She said yes, as long as she
could wear the peanut suit.
We hear what sounds like something smashing out in the
hallway, and faint sounds of frustration. Melissa sighs,
and heads out the door.

Stephanie shakes her head with a fond smile, and hops up

off her bed. She grabs her phone and checks the battery.
22%. Darn. She leans back over to look behind her bed for
the phone charger thats gone walkabout.
 9

INT. THE EDGLEY HOUSEHOLD - HALLWAY MORNING

Melissa and Stephanie are waiting by the front door, all

ready to go. Stephanie is dressed similarly, if not
identically to how she was in the previous scene. No one
else is. We see the clock. It is 10:14 AM. Late. But by
the looks on Stephanie and Melissas faces, we wouldnt
need to see the clock to know they were running late.

Desmond, on the other hand, looks very relaxed, aimlessly

ambling from room to room, emerging rather too soon from
each, as he searches for something. He perpetually looks
like hes forgotten something and hes waiting for it to
come back to him.

MELISSA

Desmond, hurry up.

DESMOND

(Smiling with a nod) Yes, dear.

He continues to do the exact same thing as before, with
no sense of urgency what so ever.

INT. A CAR

Stephanie and Melissa are just getting into the car,

putting on their seatbelts, ect.

MELISSA

He does this on purpose.

EXT. THE EDGLEY HOUSEHOLD EXTERIOR

Desmond stumbles out of the door, pulling on his jacket

as he goes. He has no shoes on, and odd socks. He is
tucking in his shirt, when he stops, almost as if frozen
suddenly. He looks like hes about to sneeze.

STEPHANIE

He looks like hes about to sneeze.

MELISSA

No, hes just thinking.

She rolls the window down and sticks her head out of the
window.
 10

MELISSA

(Calling to him) Desmond, whats wrong now?

He looks oh so confused, the poor chap. His expression is
clouded over.

DESMOND

(Utterly puzzled) I think Im forgetting something.

Melissas head moves back into the car for a moment as
she and Stephanie confer. Her head appears again after a
moment.

MELISSA

Where are your shoes, dear?

There is a moment where he slowly looks down to his
shoeless feet. He reacts like hed just been told the
meaning of the universe. After the initial reaction, he
nods, gives them a thumbs up, and hurries back inside.

INT. A CAR (THE SAME ONE, WE HAVENT MOVED LOCATION)

Back to Stephanie and Melissa, who clearly find this all

rather amusing and annoying in equal measures.

MELISSA

(Shaking her head) That man. Did you know he once

lost a shopping centre?
STEPHANIE

He what?
MELISSA

I never told you that? It was the first big

contract he got. His company did a wonderful job,
and he was driving his clients to see it when it
was done, and he forgot where he put it. He drove
around for almost an hour until he saw something he
recognized. He may be a very talented engineer, but
I swear, hes got the attention span of a goldfish.
So unlike Gordon
STEPHANIE

They werent very alike, were they?

 11

MELISSA

(Smiling) It wasnt always that way. They used to

do everything together. The three of them were
inseparable.
STEPHANIE

What, even Fergus?

MELISSA

Even Fergus. But when your grandmother died, they

all drifted apart. Gordon started mixing with a
strange crowd after that.
STEPHANIE

Strange in what way?

MELISSA

Ah, they probably just appeared strange to us, her

mother said with a small laugh. Your father was
getting started in the construction business and I
was in college, and we were what you might call
normal. Gordon resisted being normal, and his
friends, they kind of scared us. We never knew what
they were into, but we knew it wasnt anything-
She struggles to find the word. Luckily, Stephanie does
find it.

STEPHANIE

Normal.
MELISSA

Exactly. They scared your dad most of all, though.

STEPHANIE

Why?
From the ca window, we see Desmond emerge from the house,
with shoes on. He closes the front door, locks up and
heads towards the car.

MELISSA

(Quietly) I think he was more like Gordon than he

liked to let on.
 12

Desmond gets into the car, pleased with himself.

DESMOND

(Proudly) Okay. Im ready.

The car sputters to life as

CUT TO BLACK

TITLE

HOLD ON BLACK

BERYLs shrill screech pierces through the silence.

BERYL

Now can we get started?

CUT TO

INT. LAWYERS OFFICE

The office is far too small to fit all these people in.
Beryl and Fergus are sat, perfectly comfortable with
plenty of room. They take up most of that side of the
desk. Desmond and Melissa, on the other hand, are
crunched and without much space, if any at all. Stephanie
stands behind. The lawyer, MR FEDGEWICK, sits opposite.
He has the girth and appearance of a sweaty bowling ball.

MR FEDGEWICK

(Attempting a smile) We still have one more person

to wait on.
Fergus almost dies.

FERGUS

Who? There cant be anyone else; were the only

siblings Gordon had. (Beat) Who is it? (Beat) Its
not some charity, is it? Ive never trusted
charities. They always want something from you.
MR FEDGEWICK

Its its not a charity. He did say, however,

that he may be a little late.
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DESMOND

Who said?
MR FEDGEWICK

(Checking the file) A most unusual name, this. It

seems we are waiting on one Mr. Skulduggery
Pleasant.
Roll credits. Anyway

BERYL

(Irritating) Well, who on Earth is that? He sounds

like a like a Fergus, what does he sound like?
FERGUS

(Equally as irritating, with a glare) He sounds

like a weirdo. (Beat) Hes not a weirdo, is he?
FEDGEWICK

(With a sorry excuse for a smile) I really couldnt

say. But Im sure hell be along soon.
FERGUS

How are you sure?

As if on cue, the door opens and he enters. Its the
weird, tall, gangly man in the tan overcoat. Again. Is
that hair even real? Who knows? We can finally put a name
to a face. SKULDUGGERY Pleasant.

Everyone gawks at him.

SKULDUGGERY

Sorry Im late. It was unavoidable, Im afraid.

MR FEDGEWICK

Um. Are you Skulduggery Pleasant?

SKULDUGGERY

At your service.
Melissa gives him a smiled greeting as he nods to them.
Desmond, however, looks at him with an expression of
wariness had never been seen on his face before. It soon
leaves him, and he, too, nods. SKULDUGGERY stands against
the wall.
 14

Fergus and Beryl continue to gawk.

There is a prolonged, awkward silence. You can feel the

awkwardness. It is so long that it makes you
uncomfortable.

BERYL

(After much too long a gap) Do you have something

wrong with your face?
MR FEDGEWICK

(Clearing his throat) Okay, then. Lets get down to

business, now that were all here. Excellent. Good.
This, of course, being the last will and testament
of Gordon Edgley, last revised almost one year ago.
Gordon has been a client of mine for the past
twenty years, and in that time, I got to know him
well, so let me pass on to you, his family andand
friend, my deepest, deepest
FERGUS

Yes yes yes. Can we just skip this part? Were

already running behind schedule. Lets go to the
part where we get stuff. Who gets the house? And
who gets the villa?
BERYL

Who gets the fortune?

FERGUS

The royalties. Who gets the royalties from the

books?
MR FEDGEWICK

(Reading the will) To my brother Fergus, and his

beautiful wife, Beryl.
Stephanie tries to hide a grin.

I leave my car, and my boat, and a gift.

Fergus and Beryl do their best White Man Blinking meme
impression.
 15

FERGUS

His car? His boat? Why would he leave me his boat?

BERYL

(With rising anger) You hate the water. You get

seasick.
FERGUS

(Snapping) I do get seasick, and he knew that!

BERYL

And we already have a car.

FERGUS

And we already have a car!

Beryl is sitting so far up on her chair that she is
almost on the desk.

BERYL

(Low and threatening) This gift. Is it the fortune?

Mr. Fedgewick coughs nervously. He takes a box from his
desk drawer and hands it to them. They look at this box.
They look some more. They both reach for it at the same
time, and try to slap at each others hands away from it.
Beryl eventually triumphs, tearing open the lid.

Its a broach resting on a pin cushion.

A very ugly broach.

Beryl looks like she might keel over and die.

FERGUS

What is it? Is it a key to a safety-deposit box? Is

it, is it an account number? Is it what is it?
Wife, what is it?
She shows him.

He looks like a startled fish.

BERYL

It doesnt even have any jewels on it.

 16

FERGUS

(Panic setting in) What else do we get?

MR FEDGEWICK

(Another awful smile) Your, uh, your brothers

love?
There is a high-pitched whine from Beryl. She and Fergus
are horrified.

More awkward, uncomfortable silence. And high-pitched

whining.

MR FEDGEWICK

(Reading) To my good friend and guide, Skulduggery

Pleasant, I leave the following advice: Your path
is your own, and I have no wish to sway you, but
sometimes the greatest enemy we can face is
ourselves, and the greatest battle is against the
darkness within. There is a storm coming, and
sometimes the key to safe harbor is hidden from us,
and sometimes it is right before our eyes.