Justin Ramsthaler

English 9 Period 5

11/1/16

Essay Revisions

During the fall or autumn time birds migrate in flocks, some witness this process and

consider it life changing, and phenomenal, while others will consider the sighting as more of a

nuisance and normal thing to see. John Aududbon is of those whom consider the sighting

slightly annoying and more of a normal thing to see. While, Annie Dillard conveys the sighting as

the most fascinating and once in a life-time thing to see.

To begin with, John Aududbon uses hyperboles and lots of imagery to paint a picture of

how the sighting really is. Aududbon describes the birds flying, but nothing more to describe

them. For example, Aududbon states that the pigeons literally filled the air (Aududbon). By

doing so, Aududbon portrays that the air was filled with nothing but pigeons. When in reality, the

pigeons really took up a big portion of the sky but not all of it. Next, Aududbon utilizes imagery

by speaking about how the pigeons poured in, in countless multitudes (Aududbon). So, the

impression of an endless stream of birds is created. Which of course, pretty much shows the

sighting annoying as, he says they came in countlessly, which gives off the idea of that he

wanted to see the sky and not a flock of pigeons.

Essay Changes:
In the introductory paragraph, I changed most of the words to become more active, and instead

of saying that Aududbon is fascinated of the sight I changed it to where he seemed more

annoyed and considered the sighting that of a nornal thing to see.

In the first body paragraph, I changed as much of the paragraph grammar to become more

active. I also changed the commentary on both pieces of evidence to fit it more and adress the

promp more.