ALMOST ENGAGED

(Pilot) "Strawberry Ice Cream"

Written by Rodney Ohebsion

Copyright 2017
INT. PHIL & RACHELS APARTMENT (DEN) - NIGHT
PHIL (30) is sitting on the sofa, and pulling a Fruit Roll
Up off of its plastic wrapper. RACHEL (28) is sitting near
him, filing her nails. She looks at Phil.
RACHEL
Fruit Roll Ups again?

PHIL
Whats wrong with Fruit Roll Ups?
RACHEL
Nothing. Just, you know. Youre 30.
Thats the age where people start
eating actual fruit.
PHIL
Honey. Some really smart guy
invented Fruit Roll Ups, in order
to make actual fruit obsolete.

RACHEL
Fine. Can I have half of your Fruit
Roll Up?
PHIL
Of course you can. I love you.
He tears the Fruit Roll Up in two, and gives her one half.
RACHEL
I love you, too.

PHIL
I think were having a really
romantic moment.

He starts eating his Fruit Roll Up.

PHIL
We should probably have sex now.
RACHEL
Im not quite in the mood.
PHIL
Why?
RACHEL
Because I just saw your
ex-girlfriend three minutes ago
during the awkward elevator ride up
here.
 2.

PHIL
And?
RACHEL
Ant thats kind of a turn off for
me. Maybe we should move to a
building where your ex-girlfriend
doesnt live.
He walks over to a drawer, pulls out a checkbook, and opens
it.

PHIL
Look at that number.
RACHEL
Im looking.
PHIL
Is it 1100?
RACHEL
No.
PHIL
Is it 1000?
RACHEL
No.
PHIL
Is it 900?
RACHEL
Its 600, Phil. Get to the point.
PHIL
$600 a month. For this palace.
RACHEL
Its a one bedroom apartment with a
leaky faucet.
PHIL
And its worth $1100 a month. But
Ive built up eight years worth of
rent control, which is why I only
pay 600.
RACHEL
Phil. This is my checkbook. Im the
one whos been paying rent for
the last three months.
 3.

PHIL
But Im the one who lived here for
eight years, alone, and built up
the rent control.
RACHEL
Im the one whose rent is being
controlled.

PHIL
Youre just arguing semantics right
now.
RACHEL
Fine. Youre right, Phil. I guess I
should be thanking you for all
the secondhand rent control in this
apartment.
PHIL
You can thank me with sex.

RACHEL
Im not thank kind of girl. Im the
kind of girl whos willing to use
non-sex as a punishment. But I
dont use sex as a thank you.

PHIL
Well. The good news is, Im the
kind of guy whos willing to use
sex as a youre welcome.

RACHEL
Phil. Let me just ask you this. Are
you glad that I live here with you?
PHIL
Of course I am. I love you.
Remember the Fruit Roll Up?
He grabs her close and kisses her.
PHIL
By the way--can I borrow $50?

She grabs her purse and takes out a $100 bill.

RACHEL
Heres $100. Use it to buy $100
worth of groceries. Adult food. No
Fruit Roll Ups.
He takes the $100 bill.
 4.

PHIL
OK. Now can you give me $100 for a
prostitute?
RACHEL
No.
She takes his hand and leads him to the frond door, opens
it, pushes Phil out, and then closes the door.

INT. APARTMENT HALLWAY - NIGHT

TAYLOR (female, 25) is walking through the intersecting
hallway.
RACHEL
(shouting from inside the
apartment)
And while youre at the
supermarket, maybe you should apply
for a job there!

TAYLOR
Um. Hi, Phil.
Phil turns and sees her.
PHIL
Hi, Taylor.
TAYLOR
So hows the job hunt going?

PHIL
Hows the gold digging going?
TAYLOR
Im not a gold digger.

He points to her Cartier watch.

PHIL
Who bought that watch for you? Your
boyfriend?

TAYLOR
Who paid your rent? Your
girlfriend?
PHIL
Touche.
 5.

TAYLOR
Why dont you move to another
building, so we wont have to keep
bumping in to each other? Its
because youre still in love with
me--isnt it?
PHIL
The only thing Im in love with
here is my rent control. And, um,
my girlfriend. Im in love with my
rent control and my girlfriend.
TAYLOR
Good for you.
PHIL
Good for you.
TAYLOR
Whatever.
PHIL
Whatever.
She walks through the hall and to her apartment.
Phil takes out his cell phone and calls someone.

PHIL
(into cell phone)
Im gonna go get some groceries.
You wanna come?

The door right next to him opens, and BOB (30) walks out
holding his cell phone.
BOB
(into cell phone)
Yeah. Lets go.

He puts away his phone.

INT. CAR - DAY

Phil is driving, and Bob is in the passenger seat. The

Bluetooth speakerphone is dialing.
CARL (ON SPEAKERPHONE)
Hello?
 6.

PHIL
Me and Bob are going grocery
shopping. Do you want to come?

INT. CARLS HOUSE - DAY

CARL (35) is on the phone, and FIONA (33) is standing
several feet away from him.
CARL
Um. Yeah. Ill go.
FIONA
Where? Where will you go?
CARL
To the supermarket with Phil and
Bob.
FIONA
Good. Because I was just about to
tell you to get me some ice cream.
Breyers. Strawberry.

INT. LARGE MEXICAN SUPERMARKET - DAY

Phil, Bob, and Carl walk in to a large supermarket with
mostly Mexican CUSTOMERS. Phil, Bob, and Carl each grab a
basket, and they walk over to the produce section.
CARL
Two pounds of jalapenos for a
dollar. Why would anyone want two
pounds of jalapenos?
BOB
(to Phil)
I dont want to sound racist--but
how come you always shop at the
Mexican supermarket?
PHIL
This isnt the Mexican supermarket.
Its the low priced supermarket
where 80% of the customers happen
to be Mexican jalapeno addicts.
BOB
(looks at a sack of apples)
Wow. Two dollars for a sack of
apples.
 7.

(puts the sack in his basket)

Get in on this, amigos.
PHIL
I only eat Fruit Roll Ups.

BOB
(to Carl)
How about you?
CARL
My wife doesnt like apples. Im
not allowed to have them in the
house.
BOB
Thats interesting. Because Im not
allowed in your house, either.
CARL
Yeah. My wife really doesnt like
you. Or people in general. But
especially you. And my mother.

BOB
(notices some plastic sacks of
oranges)
One dollar for a sack of
oranges. Viva la Mexico.

He puts a sack of oranges in his basket.

CARL
(to Phil)
Isnt this the place where you met
your ex-fiance Carmen?
PHIL
Yes, this is where I met her. And
no, she wasnt my fiance.

BOB
But you were engaged to her.
PHIL
Only for two weeks. By the
way--dont tell Rachel that Ive
been engaged. Otherwise, she might
start nudging me to propose to her.
BOB
Maybe you should propose to her.
 8.

PHIL
Maybe you should propose to Julie.
BOB
Maybe you should mind your fucking
business. Im trying to break up
with Julie.
PHIL
Carl--what do you think?

CARL
Well. My wife says Im not allowed
to give anyone relationship advice.
(Cut to later)

Phil, Bob, and Carl walk over to the ice cream section. Carl
browses through it. A FEMALE EMPLOYEE (30) walks by.
CARL
(to Employee)
Excuse me. I cant find any
Breyers strawberry ice cream.
FEMALE EMPLOYEE
Oh. Well. Were out of stock. But
we do have Blue Bell strawberry ice
cream.

CARL
My wife wants me to get Breyers.
FEMALE EMPLOYEE
We dont have any Breyers left. We
have Blue Bell.
CARL
My wife isnt gonna eat Blue Bell.
If I bring it home to her, itll
just make her angry.

FEMALE EMPLOYEE
Well then, you should either go to
another supermarket, or get a new
wife.

CARL
Fine. ... So, uh, what are you
doing later tonight? How about
dinner and a movie?
 9.

FEMALE EMPLOYEE
Im married.
CARL
Well then how about we go to the
back room and get busy?

FEMALE EMPLOYEE
Have a nice day, asshole.
She walks away.

CARL
Phil--why the hell did you take me
to this supermarket? They dont
have any Breyers strawberry ice
cream, and their employees refuse
to sleep with me.
BOB
Just get some Blue Bell ice cream.
CARL
Are you out of your mind? Remember
how Fiona flipped out that time I
bought the wrong brand of ketchup?
Ketchup is just some sauce she uses
once every two weeks. Ice cream is
her daily medication. Bringing her
the wrong brand of ice cream would
be like bringing her Lipitor
instead of Clarinex.
BOB
What you need to give her is
massive amounts of Zoloft. And rat
poison. Dont get me wrong. Shes a
great girl and all. But you need to
kill her.

EXT. SUPERMARKET 2 - NIGHT

Bob, Phil, and Carl walk into another supermarket.

INT. SUPERMARKET 2 - DAY

PHIL
So this is what the white
mans market looks like.
 10.

BOB
Yes, kimosabe.

They walk over to the produce section.

PHIL
Jalapenos--$2.49 a pound? I cant
afford that on my girlfriends
salary.

They walk to the ice cream section. Carl browses through it.
CARL
They dont have it, either.
An MALE EMPLOYEE walks by.

CARL
(to Employee)
Excuse me. Im looking for Breyers
Strawberry Ice Cream.

MALE EMPLOYEE
Im terribly sorry, sir--but our
distributor is dealing with a
strike, so we didnt get our normal
shipment of frozen foods. We wont
get any more ice cream until
tomorrow.
CARL
But my wife wants Breyers
strawberry ice cream tonight.

MALE EMPLOYEE
Well.
(browses through the ice cream
in stock)
We have Haagen Dasz and Blue Bell
strawberry ice cream.

CARL
... Are you married?
MALE EMPLOYEE
Yes.
CARL
What would happen if your wife sent
you out for Breyers strawberry ice
cream, and you came back with Blue
Bell?
 11.

MALE EMPLOYEE
I dont think shed care. And I
dont think shed send me out to
get ice cream, like Im her
delivery guy.
CARL
Well, if shes not busy tonight,
can I take her out for dinner and a
movie?

EXT. SUPERMARKET 3 - NIGHT

Bob, Phil, and Carl walk into another large supermarket.

INT. SUPERMARKET 3 - NIGHT

They walk over to the ice cream section. Carl browses
through it.

CARL
They dont have it either.
An EMPLOYEE walks by.

CARL
(to Employee 2)
Excuse me. Im looking for Breyers
Strawberry Ice Cream.
EMPLOYEE
Oh. It looks like were all out.
CARL
But I called you in advance. You
said you had one left in stock.

EMPLOYEE
Well. I guess someone bought it.
CARL
Who?

EMPLOYEE
I dont know.
CARL
You can find out. You have those
club card things that keep track of
who buys what. Just give me the
phone number of whoever bought the
ice cream.
 12.

EMPLOYEE
Sir--Im afraid I cant help you
with that. But we do have some Blue
Bell strawberry ice cream.

CARL
Nobody wants any Blue fucking Bell
ice cream--OK?! Especially not my
wife.
BOB
(to Employee)
Excuse me. Do you guys have any rat
poison in stock?

INT. CAR - NIGHT

Phil (driver), Bob (passenger seat), and Carl (backseat)

CARL
OK. I got Haagen Dasz and Blue Bell
strawberry ice cream. Hopefully
when you mix them together, they
taste like Breyers.
PHIL
How about you just tell your wife
that youre not her personal ice
cream man?
CARL
Im not her personal ice cream man.

PHIL
Say that to Fiona.
CARL
I will. I mean, I would. But, Im
not in the mood for a two hour long
fight over ice cream.
BOB
Then just give her the rat poison.

INT. PHIL & RACHELS APARTMENT (DEN) - NIGHT

Phil walks in holding a few grocery bags.
RACHEL
What took you so long?
 13.

PHIL
I spent 45 minutes at the
supermarket, and 45 minutes with
the prostitute. Dont worry,
though. I know were on a
budget--so I didnt tip the
prostitute.
RACHEL
45 minutes? Youve never lasted
more than 10 minutes in bed.

PHIL
OK. You caught me. There was no
prostitute. Me and the guys spent
an hour and a half going
from market to market, looking for
Breyers strawberry ice cream.
RACHEL
Great. Lets have some.
PHIL
Well. I didnt buy any. Carl bought
ice cream for Fiona. I bought grown
up food.
She looks in the bag, and takes out a box of cereal.

RACHEL
Frankenberry cereal?

INT. CARLS HOUSE - DAY

Carl walks in. Fiona walks up to him.

FIONA
Ice cream.
CARL
I got it. Right here.
He hands her a bag. She looks inside of it.
FIONA
I dont see Breyers in here.
CARL
Theres a strike.
 14.

FIONA
What are you talking about?
CARL
You see, the supermarkets
distributor--they have some workers
on strike. So they didnt send
out the usual shipment of ice
cream. So no one had any Breyers
strawberry ice cream in stock.

She looks inside the bag again.

FIONA
What the hell is this? Blue Bell?
CARL
And Haagen Dasz.
FIONA
Have you ever in your life seen me
eating Haagen Dasz ice cream? And I
dont even know what Blue Bell is.

CARL
I looked up Blue Bell on the
internet. Its the most popular
brand of ice cream in the US.

FIONA
Well. Maybe Blue Bell is popular in
the South, where people also chew
tobacco and marry their cousins.
Let me ask you a question, Carl. Do
I look like a tobacco chewing
redneck who eats Blue Bell ice
cream after having sex with her
cousin?
CARL
Honey. Theres a strike.

FIONA
Theres no such thing as an ice
cream distributors strike.
CARL
What--you think I made it up?
FIONA
I dont know. Did you?
 15.

CARL
Why would I? Honey--I brought you
two different types of strawberry
ice cream. Im sure youll like one
of them.

FIONA
Carl. If theres one thing you need
to know about me, its that Im a
Breyers girl.

CARL
One thing? I need to know a million
things about you, just to get
through day-to-day life with you.
FIONA
Are you saying Im high
maintenance?
CARL
Are you saying youre
low maintenance?

FIONA
Of course Im low maintenance.
CARL
Fine. Youre low maintenance--as
evidenced by the fact that you
rejected two different kinds of
strawberry ice cream. Right now, I
kind of want to shove one pint of
Blue Bell ice cream right down your
low maintenance throat.

INT. PHIL & RACHELS APARTMENT (DEN) - NIGHT

The phone rings.

PHIL
Hello? ... Uh. Yeah.
He presses a button on the phone.
PHIL
That was Carl. Hes coming up here.
RACHEL
Why?
 16.

PHIL
I dont know.
The doorbell rings. Phil opens the door to reveal Carl
holding a toothbrush.

CARL
Hey.
PHIL
Why are you holding a toothbrush?

CARL
Is it cool if I crash here tonight?
Me and Fiona got into a fight.
Phil looks at Rachel. He looks back at Carl.

PHIL
Uh. Yeah. Come in.
Carl walks in.

CARL
Hi, Rachel.
RACHEL
(unenthusiastically)
Hi, Carl.

PHIL
(to Carl)
So what did you two fight about
this time?

CARL
Breyers strawberry ice cream.
PHIL
I shouldve figured.

RACHEL
(to Carl)
Ice cream? Youre here because of a
fight about ice cream?

CARL
Yeah.
RACHEL
No. Youre not staying here because
of some dumb fight like that.
 17.

PHIL
Rachel. My policy is that if my
friend gets into a fight with his
wife, he can stay at my apartment.

RACHEL
Well. My policy is "fuck your
policy." An ice cream fight isnt a
legitimate fight.
CARL
Well. It wasnt just about ice
cream. I mightve called Fiona high
maintenance, and suggested that she
take medication.
RACHEL
So what? Thats what couples do. Me
and Phil tell each other to take
medication all the time. And were
not even married yet.
PHIL
What do you mean "yet?"
RACHEL
What do you mean "what do I mean?"
PHIL
When you say were not married yet,
youre implying that were engaged
to be married.
RACHEL
(offended)
Well, excuse me. I didnt mean to
imply that. I just said "yet,"
because weve been living together
for six months, so I thought our
relationship status was in the
general area of "were not married
yet." Thank you for flipping out at
the mere idea of being engaged to
me.
PHIL
I didnt flip out.
RACHEL
You stopped the conversation, and
put a spotlight on how were in no
way, shape, or form, engaged.
 18.

PHIL
I was just saying. You said that
were not married yet.
RACHEL
Do you think I even want to marry
you? I dont. You know what? Just
get the hell out of my apartment,
Phil.
PHIL
Your apartment? My names on the
lease.
RACHEL
My names on the check.

PHIL
Rachel. Dont get crazy.
RACHEL
Get out.

PHIL
What do you mean get out? Where am
I supposed to go?
RACHEL
Why dont you go stay with your
ex-girlfriend whos five doors down
from us?
PHIL
Well. Maybe I will.

RACHEL
You better not!
PHIL
Well then where should I go?

RACHEL
Go stay with your best friend whos
three doors down from us.
PHIL
I cant. Bobs out on a date. And
he might need his place later.
RACHEL
Well then go to Carls house.
 19.

PHIL
Carl is here. Next to me.
(motions towards Carl)
See?

Rachel looks at Carl. Carl waves at Rachel.

PHIL
He got into a fight with
Fiona--remember?

RACHEL
Yes. I remember. He got into that
stupid fight about ice cream.
(to Carl)
Are you listening to this, Carl?
Are you listening to me and Phil?
Were having a legitimate
fight. Were not fighting about
some dumb shit, like Breyers
strawberry ice cream. This is a
legitimate fight.

CARL
Um. OK. Do you want me to take
notes?
RACHEL
(to Phil)
Time to go, Phil.
PHIL
Fine! Im going!

CARL
(to Rachel)
Do I get to stay?
RACHEL
No!

INT. CARLS APARTMENT HALLWAY - NIGHT

Carl and Phil are holding toothbrushes and standing outside
an apartment. Carl rings the doorbell. Fiona opens the door.
She looks at them.

FIONA
(to Carl)
(referring to Phil)
What is he doing here?
 20.

CARL
Um. Well. Hes gonna be our...
relationship therapist.

FIONA
Whys he holding a toothbrush?
CARL
Well. Um. Its symbolic. Hes gonna
clean our relationship.
PHIL
Yeah. Im gonna remove all of your
relationships plaque and tartar.

FIONA
(to Phil and Carl)
Are you guys high?
CARL
Honey. Can we come in?

FIONA
Whatever.
They walk in.

FIONA
So you came back here to make up
with me--but you didnt bring any
Breyers strawberry ice cream?

CARL
Here we go again with the Breyers
strawberry ice cream! Honey.
Theres a strike!
(to Phil)
Tell her, Phil.

FIONA
(to Phil)
Shut your mouth, Phil.
CARL
(to Phil)
She wants me to get Breyers
strawberry ice cream, even though
theres none for sale. You were
there with me. There was no
Breyers strawberry ice cream
anywhere.
(to Fiona)
Plus, Im not your personal ice
cream man!
 21.

(to Phil)
Right?
FIONA
(to Phil)
Shut your mouth, Phil.
(to Carl)
Why does your friend get to be our
therapist? Hes gonna side with
you.
CARL
Well at least let him say something
first. You told him to shut his
mouth before he even opened his
mouth.

FIONA
Why the hell would I listen to
anything Phil has to say about
relationships? Hes been living
with Rachel for six months, and
theyre not even engaged yet.

PHIL
What is all this "yet" bullshit I
keep hearing?
FIONA
What are you talking about?
PHIL
When you say that were not engaged
yet, you make it sound like we
formally announced some sort of
pre-engagement, and that were
committed to an engagement.
FIONA
(to Carl)
You see? He wont even let someone
imply that he might be pre-engaged.
And you want him to be our
therapist?
(to Phil)
Phil--you better get out of here,
before I take that toothbrush and
shove it right up your ass.
CARL
Listen, honey. Phil is a
broad-minded guy. Just let him say
what he thinks about us. And then
(MORE)
 22.

CARL (contd)
if you dont like it, you can go
ahead and give him a rectal exam.
FIONA
Fine.
(to Phil)
Go ahead, Phil--you freaking idiot.

PHIL
... OK. First of all, Id like to
thank the two of you for choosing
to make me your therapist for the
evening. Now, um, about the
Breyers strawberry ice cream
argument. I think that although
Fiona would in fact like some
Breyers strawberry ice cream, what
shes really saying is that shed
like you to listen to her more. In
general. Just, you know--when she
talks about whatever. Carl--you
should listen to her more.

CARL
Phil. Shut your mouth.
FIONA
Carl--listen to your friend. He
knows what hes talking about.
CARL
(to Phil)
OK. So you think I need to listen
more. Do you have any suggestions
for Fiona?
PHIL
Yes. I have two suggestions for
her.
(to Fiona)
One--eat the Blue Bell strawberry
ice cream; and two--stop being such
a pain in the ass.
 23.

INT. APARTMENT HALLWAY - NIGHT

Phil is holding a bag and walking through the hallway.
He sees Bob going into his apartment.
PHIL
Bob.
BOB
Hey. Uh. Where were you?
PHIL
Uh. Long story. How did your date
go?

BOB
Long story.
PHIL
Alright. Later.

BOB
Later.
Bob walks into his apartment. Phil walks to his apartment
and opens the door.

INT. PHIL & RACHELS APARTMENT (DEN) - NIGHT

Phil sees Rachel sitting on the sofa watching TV.
PHIL
Hi.
She looks at him.
RACHEL
Wheres your toothbrush?
PHIL
Its, uh, lodged in my anus. Can I
come in?

RACHEL
No.
PHIL
I brought ice cream.

RACHEL
Great. Why dont you put it in your
anus, right next to your
toothbrush?
 24.

He walks in and closes the door.

PHIL
Its vanilla.
RACHEL
Your anus is vanilla?
PHIL
No. The ice cream. Its vanilla. I
couldve gotten
an unopened container of strawberry
ice cream from Carls house--but I
went to the store and bought
vanilla. Because thats your
favorite flavor.

RACHEL
My favorite flavor is chocolate.
PHIL
Well. Yeah. But I didnt know that.
So I got vanilla. Blue Bell
vanilla.
He walks to the kitchenette and scoops some ice cream in a
bowl. He walks to the living room, sits down next to Rachel,
and puts the bowl on the table. Rachel stares at him for a a
few seconds. She then picks up the bowl and eats spoonful of
ice cream.
RACHEL
Its good.
PHIL
Look. Ive been thinking. You know.
I love you. And weve been living
together for a while. And, although
Im not ready to get engaged, I am
willing to take our relationship to
the next level.

RACHEL
Which is...
PHIL
I want to get pre-pre-engaged.

RACHEL
What does that mean?
 25.

PHIL
You know. Well be
pre-pre-engaged. As in, we wont
be engaged, or pre-engaged--but if
someone indirectly mentions
something about an engagement, I
wont stop the conversation and go
out of my way to say were not
engaged or pre-engaged.
RACHEL
I see.
PHIL
I wouldve gotten you a pre-pre
engagement ring--but they didnt
have any at the supermarket. They
did have those vending machines
where you put in 50 cents and get a
toy--but only a few of the toys
were rings.
He takes a small ball out of his pocket.

PHIL
I ended up with a bouncy ball.
RACHEL
You know what? As idiotic as a
pre-pre engagement sounds, I
actually appreciate the gesture.
And the ice cream.
She takes the ball out of his hand.

RACHEL
And the bouncy ball.
PHIL
You love me--dont you?

RACHEL
Yes. I love my pre-pre fiance.
PHIL
Uh. Right. Yeah. About that. Um.
Even though were pre-pre engaged,
I dont think you should call me
your pre-pre fiance. Because that
makes it sound like were
definitely gonna get engaged.
 26.

INT. APARTMENT HALLWAY - NIGHT

Close up on Bobs front door. The door opens to reveal Bob
inside. The camera changes and shows Phil standing on the
other side, holding a toothbrush.

PHIL
Hey.
BOB
Hey.

PHIL
Can I crash at your place tonight?
BOB
Whatever.

Bob turns around and walks away. Phil walks in and closes
the door.
THE END