Professional Documents
Culture Documents
To Love Women, or To Not Love Men: Journal of Lesbian Studies
To Love Women, or To Not Love Men: Journal of Lesbian Studies
To cite this article: Hinda Seif MA Women's Studies (1999) To Love Women, or To Not Love Men,
Journal of Lesbian Studies, 3:3, 33-44, DOI: 10.1300/J155v03n03_04
Article views: 51
Over the past decade, there has been increasing discussion about the
social construction of sexual identification labels (Garber, 1995; Rust,
1993; Phelan, 1994). This debate has eroded essentialist assumptions that
we are born only attracted to men or women, and called into question the
Hinda Seif, MA Womens Studies, is a doctoral student of Anthropology at U. C.
Davis and advisory board member of Bridges: A Journal for Jewish Feminists
and Our Friends.
Address correspondence to: Hinda Seif, Department of Anthropology, Univer-
sity of California Davis, Davis, CA 95616-8522.
The author gives special thanks to the Charles and Gertrude Gordon Founda-
tion, the University of Arizona Department of Womens Studies, Susan Philips,
Myra Dinnerstein, and Janet Jakobsen.
[Haworth co-indexing entry note]: To Love Women, or To Not Love Men: Chronicles of Lesbian
Identification. Seif, Hinda. Co-published simultaneously in Journal of Lesbian Studies (The Haworth
Press, Inc.) Vol. 3, No. 3, 1999, pp. 33-44; and: Lesbian Sex Scandals: Sexual Practices, Identities, and
Politics (ed: Dawn Atkins) The Haworth Press, Inc., 1999, pp. 33-44; and: Lesbian Sex Scandals: Sexual
Practices, Identities, and Politics (ed: Dawn Atkins) Harrington Park Press, an imprint of The Haworth
Press, Inc., 1999, pp. 33-44. Single or multiple copies of this article are available for a fee from The
Haworth Document Delivery Service [1-800-342-9678, 9:00 a.m. - 5:00 p.m. (EST). E-mail address:
getinfo@haworthpressinc.com].
DONNA
attractions to men. One episode which stands out occurred during an early
date with a woman who became a long-term partner:
When I was first going out with my last lover, I mentioned to her that
I was bisexual. And she said that she was going to break up with me
if I said that again. . . . She had been in the lesbian community for
many years and identified as a very strong lesbian, and really had all
that bisexual phobia, and really didnt want to associate with any-
body who was bisexual. Even with friends. And so I . . . thought it
was best to just drop the whole bisexual piece.
It is noteworthy that Donnas girlfriend did not question the fact of
Donnas attractions; she would tolerate them if Donna did not discuss
them and called herself a lesbian. The commonality of lesbian attraction
and sexual history with men, which was accepted if talked about in
hushed tones but jeopardized ones friendships and community stand-
ing if one were outspoken about it, was a recurring theme in Donnas
conversation.
Donna explains that she has seen much biphobia in the lesbian
communities around her, and that declaring oneself bisexual or discussing
ones attractions to men may jeopardize ones opportunities to date les-
bians. She believes this stigma is partly related to an association between
bisexuality and HIV transmission. Donna realizes that this emotional con-
nection is spurious, and that fears of bisexuals are often irrational and
illogical.
A lot of lesbian women dont want to date bisexual women. . . .
Somehow its very taboo in the lesbian community. . . . [P]eople who
I know . . . both in the straight community and in the gay community
very often will mix who they have sex with but still identify as either
straight or gay or lesbian. . . . And people associate . . . bisexuality
with AIDS. . . . Which really . . . is just as true for all people who
practice unsafe sex. . . . I know that logically . . . anyway.
Donna admits that she is also reluctant to date bisexual women and
prefers to date lesbians:
[W]hen I think of bisexualsand this is a terrible . . . I kind of think
of them as not being able to make up their minds. . . . On an emotion-
al level theres a whole bunch of stigma associated with bisexuality.
. . . And . . . I havent resolved that. I know that thats my stuff, I
know that thats not really based in logic. . . . It may be also coming
to terms with who I am.
Hinda Seif 37
I had been with another woman who . . . was older . . . and who was
very accepting of me being bisexual. [I]n fact [she] said that she only
dated bisexual women. . . . She was a Latina and very butch, and she
liked very fem women. . . . My lover right now doesnt mind if I call
myself bisexual. . . . I have this fascination for Gregory Hines . . . I
think hes really hot. And Ive talked about him . . . and . . . she
doesnt seem to mind. I think that she accepts that part of me and
understands that Im monogamous and Im not going to be running
off with someone else. I mean, Im certainly not going to be running
off with Gregory Hines.
The therapists assessment did not preclude Donna from joining the
lesbian therapy group. Reminiscent of the deal she struck with her former
girlfriend, Donna could attend that group as long as she would not talk
about her attractions to men there. Her feelings for men are an unresolved
problem that Donna is unable to discuss in therapy:
I went into [the] lesbian therapy group and I havent talked about any
of my bisexual feelings while there. . . . Obviously its a problem that
I havent integrated. Because I cant talk about it in therapy, which is
crazy, but I really feel very uncomfortable since I was told . . . from
38 Lesbian Sex Scandals: Sexual Practices, Identities, and Politics
DAHLIA
Echoing the sentiments of Donna, Dahlia shares that while she is anx-
ious for the lesbian community to accept what she considers the bisexu-
al aspects of her identity and sexual feelings, she realizes that she is
reluctant to date women who identify as bisexual:
AVIVA
[A]t the same time I could see the potential for a lot of growth. . . .
Feeling like I could define myself sexually the way I wanted. I didnt
have to play games, I didnt have to go passive with men, I didnt
have to be nice to men. There just was this liberation. . . . It was an
important stage for me. Because men had come first for me, I . . .
42 Lesbian Sex Scandals: Sexual Practices, Identities, and Politics
one feels bigger than the others for me right now. Its . . . strategic,
just like being a lesbian was. I dont feel like its anything so sacred
or innate. . . . Its very conditioned by who I am and the times . . . ,
and for me its about . . . allowing me the most freedom at this time.
And it could change. . . .
Aviva states that she can choose to love men . . . and know deep down
that women are going to come first. Yet she also notes the losses that
resulted from her distancing from lesbian communities, and the inclusion
of more men in her social circles:
Me and [my primarily partner] have been talking about this lately,
weve been missing lesbians in our lives, or lesbian-identified bi-
sexuals. Because [we] are both that way, we both pretty much put
women first and are with women sexually. And most of our inner
circle . . . is bisexual but in cross-gender relationships, and more
inclined that way. . . . I have personally . . . gained a lot from
connecting with men. I love being in mixed gender community, and
I want that in my life. I think we do have to watch for the sexism
because it aint disappeared. . . .
NOTE
I know that I can call myself bisexual with confidence and not question my
own commitment to women. It used to be that I had to say the word lesbian
I think to prove to other people and myself how committed I was. . . .
44 Lesbian Sex Scandals: Sexual Practices, Identities, and Politics
REFERENCES