Jacqui Gavin

My story to transition began when I was born some 50 years ago.

The first day I remember questioning my identity was as a 5 year old. I
remember it having been a really hot (yes even in Scotland) day and my mother
getting me ready for my first steps into the big world. That day was the day I
went to school for the first time and it was a time that was scary for me as I was
a very shy child (the word my mother used was the Scottish equivalent
coothy) and doing things with other people made me very nervous and
apprehensive.
But after a few hours I got into the school thing and found myself in amongst
others who also were just the same me or were they. After the day had
finished I returned home and began to ask lots of question about the day to my
Mum who probably could have done with a rest as she at that time had me and
both my brothers to deal with. And then I asked the question about wanting to
grow my hair long and why could I not wear the same clothes as what the girls
were wearing. As I continued to question about these things, my mother reacted
and I got a smack or as we Scots would say a skelp to make sure that I stopped.
It is a smack that I will always remember for as long as I live because as I saw it
I had done nothing wrong. But one thing is for sure that I knew not to ask that
question again, it was always there but in that moment I felt that I had to ensure
that I never ever said it again.
But things happen when we least expect it. At the age nine I found myself one
cold and wet Sunday afternoon sitting in the lounge with the rest of my family
after a Sunday dinner.
My Mum and Dad were fast asleep in their chairs. My big brother was reading
about his favourite football team Aberdeen having beaten Celtic. My little
brother reading Oor Wullie and the Broons a comic strip in the Scottish
Sunday Post. Finally my little sister who had previously been screaming her
head off was now fast asleep in her bed.
I found myself sat at the dining room table and as I sat there quietly glancing
through the pictures in the Sunday Express supplement (I am dyslexic and
pictures have always spoken a million words to me but words have a tendency
to dance around the page). Whilst flicking between the pictures I came across a
picture like I had never seen before. It was a picture of a man looking sad,
sitting in a chair without any clothes on. But he was sitting in a way that I had
never seen and that was what I would later come to know as the Christy Keelie
pose. As I looked at this picture of a plain ordinary man with a beard, thinning
hair and body hair all over his body and began I felt nothing but wondered why
he was so sad.
I turned the page.
As the page turned and fell to reveal the picture on the next page, it awoke the
billions of dormant emotions within me. The picture that followed was that of
the same man in the same pose but this time the picture showed him removing
his skin. Now I accept that sounds horrible. But what he was revealing was the
beautiful face, body, smooth skin and that of a beautiful lady.
As I sat there going back and forth between the pages, I looked for a get out to
try and find the words to explain. I began to say things to my big brother and he
just pushed me away and of course the commotion awoke my parents. I pushed
my way into my Mum and told her this was the feelings that I had been feeling
and as she awoke from her slumber she gently tried to persuade me that it was a
photograph that had been changed and boys could not do that type of things for
real.
I broke into tears and that then awoke my father who also tried to tell me that it
was just a funny photo.
For the next nine years that image was at the front of my minds eye that it must
have etched itself permanently there for even after some 41 years I can see that
image within me as clear as if it was in front of me right now.
As this caused me so much disturbance I found myself getting migraines and
before long I was going back and forward to hospital to see psychiatrists and
specialists. As this saw me missing much of school my brother would of be
asked where his little brother was and in his haste he told his and my classmates
that I was going to hospital as I had a girl inside of me trying to make me a girl.
You can only imagine the hilarity that this caused at school. For the next five
years I went through hell of bullying and had now reached the point of being
pushed into feeling that I was a joke. Home life wasnt much better as soon after
that my mother was diagnosed with cancer, my grandfather died from cancer
and because of that I was to blame in my fathers eyes.
As a loner I got scared and began to find solitude in watching the wildlife (from
insects to birds of preys to foxes and squirrels) I had found my relaxing place.
But my Dad still wanted me to be the boy and made me play football and
pushed me hard. For two nights a week he would have me and my big brother
training hard. He pushed us so hard that we both ended up playing for our
school on Wednesday afternoons and/or Saturday mornings. I would also find
myself playing on a Saturday afternoon for the Boys Brigade team and finally
the local Sunday League team both whom my father managed.
My Dad pushed me so hard and arranged for talent scouts to come and watch us
play as we were winning the leagues and trophies and one day a scout from
Aberdeen football club came and my father excitedly told me that Aberdeen
wanted to sign me as a Schoolboy signing when Alex Ferguson managed
Aberdeen.
Within me lay the dormant fear and knowledge that I didnt fit and on the
morning of Wednesday 8June 1983 I left school. As I walked out, for the first
time in six years I found myself feeling the heat of the summer sun and more
importantly smiling for the first time in a long time. I was free and I suddenly
felt in a place where I could be me without anyone telling me what to do.
As the emotion of the previous six years hit me I began to feel like the failure
that everyone bestowed upon me during these six years. I tried to push away
these nightmares by doing what Mum had always told me during these times by
thinking happy thoughts.
I awoke from that dream and found myself crying more than I had ever cried in
my life.
I picked up my now defunct school tie and took myself down to the kitchen and
tied one end over the cross bean and the other around my neck. As I kicked the
stool from under I heard a loud crack only to find myself on the floor with my
now defunct tie snapped in two.
After crying deeply for what felt like an eternity, I wrote a letter to my family
that I was sorry for having let them down and to save any embarrassment I
would take myself away from them. I wrote a letter to my parents, packed a bag
went into the village and cleared out my then bank account of the 270 savings
I had amassed. I then jumped on the bus to Dundee and eventually onto the
Caledonian Sleeper to London.

As I got off the train at the other end I got a copy of the Evening standard and
began to dress as the real me again. When I think back to it I must of looked a
little bit of a mess but I got a job as a girl!! Board was included as well as all
meals but it was waiting tables and one big problem, I had to share a room with
4 other girls. OMG!!
As soon as I got there I moved in and got myself set up.
I phoned my parents to tell them I was safe and then gave them my contact
details and that I was now going by the name of Sonia.
I managed to embrace the new me and I began to find myself learning more
from the other girls about make-up and fashion. I was clearing 250 a week in
pay (mostly down to tips) which back then was a lot of money and I was happy.
But life can be cruel!
Three months into it I found myself calling home for my usual call once a week
but this time it was my Gran who picked up the phone. She told me that my
father had left my Mum after it had been discovered that he had been having an
affair. Mum had also been told that week that she had cancer and the signs were
not looking good and there was no one to look after my little brother and sister.
Reluctantly I returned home and returned home as him to be the person to look
after them and brought all my savings to ensure that my Mum could have a new
home after losing the old family home due to not being able to pay the
mortgage.
I went back to school and studied some more and pushed my desire to transition
to the back of my mind again.
I went back to school and studied some more and pushed my desire to transition
to the back of my mind again.
I cried as I felt caught between the fire and the frying pan but then I
remembered there was an alternative. As I was still within my first twelve
months of service, I could if I wish leave by mutual consent with a 1000
release fine. I chose this option.
It was now September 1985 and I got home and found myself no longer
welcome there and I took myself to Aberdeen where I worked for the Post
Office. After a few months at the Christmas Party and a few too many drinks
my boss asked me why I had let my hair grow I explained to him that I had to
be a girl. In his drunkenness he said that cool, lets have a talk about it in the
New Year. The first day back after the Christmas break, I found myself being
called into the office and he asked me what I had meant at the Christmas Party,
I couldnt believe that he had remembered that. As I sat there I cried and told
him what was going on and he said ok, lets see what we can do to help.
Personnel (now known as HR) were called and Shona McHattie came into the
meeting. My boss asked me to explain the situation and I duly obliged and
Shona said that she had never known anything and that there was no
information about this but she would take to the Executive Board meeting at the
beginning of February.
The day of the meeting came and whilst I sat at my desk working on the routes
and collection timetables for the posties I was called by Shona who asked me to
head up to the Board Room. Fearing the worst I entered and the Board Room
where the CEO of NE Scotland Post Office was sitting with his Directors from
the Head Office and all 30 managers of the Branch Offices. I was asked once
more to explain which I did and there was a silence in the room before George
McIntosh a wiry old Scot broke this silence saying; yer a brave laddie but if we
can support ye, I say we support ye! This was the catalyst and all agreed that
they would support me and just to let them know when I was due to start.
In May 1986 I chose the date and began to live again.
The opportunity to be in my entirety made a big difference to me as I managed
find that I could now show the world a new confident and happy Jacqui. This
must of shone through as I started getting strangers asking me to do photos. I
thought nothing of it and before I knew it I was being asked to do modelling for
a fashion shoot and then for a model shoot for different High Street brands. This
included Clarins cosmetics and the Burton Group (which included Debenhams,
Top Shop, Wallis, Dorothy Perkins, Chelsea Girl to name but a few).
I suddenly believed that I was now in a positive place and the world understood
me until one day I awoke and began heading into work as per normal. As I
opened the external door to my apartment I was met by a barrage of flash bulbs
and microphones being shoved in my face. I closed the door quickly and ran
into my own flat to find my phone ringing. As I switched on the television my
face was there as they reported that the model for the Burton Group and Clarins
was actually a man. I called my agent and she told me not to go out and to call
my work and let them know that I wouldnt be in.
My agent got in with every newspaper she could gather and they all ran the
story that destroyed my opportunity to be me,. This had a detrimental effect on
my mental health as my family turned against me and I now felt that I was ugly
and that I was not pretty. I wanted to run away and I wanted for the first time in
my life felt I wanted to die. This destroyed me.
But the waters subsided
I have since moved my life on and despite a little blip with the press again when
I married my ex husband, I have pursued a life as a prominent activist fighting
for the opportunities and rights for all trans people. I was involved in much of
the writings in the Gender Recognition Act 2004 and the Equality Act 2010
(Gender Reassignment rules) and am proud to have made a difference. Not just
to my life but too many thousands who identify as trans.