PERSISTENCE

"Better Off Dead (pilot)"

Written by

Jane Eliza Cripe

24 Harman St. #3F

Brooklyn, NY 11221
585-802-4901
janeelizacripe@gmail.com
 COLD OPEN

FEMALE VOICE (V.O.)

You know those will kill you?

INT./EXT. CAR - DAY

Reveal the owner of the voice: an awkward, plucky tween SAM
(15) sitting in the passenger seat as her confident but surly
sister, CHELSEA (17) drives. Chelsea smokes a cigarette.

CHELSEA
You know, 150 people die every year
randomly from coconuts falling on
their heads. Life's a beach, ain't
it? At least I'll have a nice buzz
when I go.
She ashes her cigarette out the window.

SAM
Your logic never ceases to depress
me.

EXT. SCHOOL PARKING LOT - SAME

Chelsea turns into a parking lot. A sign reads "Rockport High
School, Home of the Least Sports Records since 1993."
Chelsea pulls to a stop as Sam gets out, lugging a gigantic
BACKPACK. It topples her over for a moment before she
balances herself.

CHELSEA
Why did you even need to come here
on a Saturday?

SAM
Extra credit Biology dissection,
duh. If I'm going to be a
scientist, I need all the practice
I can get.

CHELSEAY
You can't make me drive you to
school on a weekend just to kiss
more dead frogs.

SAM
Dad said you have to drive me.
 2.

CHELSEA
How selfless of him. Do you even
remember the last time he called?

Sam pauses. She doesn't.

SAM
Just come back and pick me up at--

CHELSEA
I'll figure it out.

She backs up the car as Sam walks away.

Chelsea puts on her sunglasses and cranks the radio volume.

She begins a dangerous U-turn across the lot, getting
distracted as she fumbles lighting a fresh cigarette.

She's interrupted by a sudden thud and shake of the car.

Chelsea screams and brakes.
The windshield is cracked and bloody. She gets out
cautiously, moving around to see Sam's lifeless body in front
of the car.
CHELSEA (CONTD)
Sam? Sam? Are you okay?

She checks her heartbeat, gasps.

CHELSEA (CONTD)
Come on, come on.
She tries giving her CPR to no avail.
CHELSEA (CONTD)
Oh no, ohhhhh no no no no no. Not
today. Not on my watch. Not going
on the local news in these jeans.
She drags Sams mangled body back towards their car.
CHELSEA (CONTD)
Cmon girl, lets get you home and
fix you up.
Reveal: at the entrance of the school, MR. STOKER (crazy,
pathetic, teacher) gaping in horror. He holds a mug reading
"World's Greatest Biology Teacher." Chelsea doesn't notice
him.
She pushes Sam's body up into their car.
 3.

CHELSEA (CONTD)
Okay, I can fix this. I can fix
this. Nobody needs to know. Dad
doesn't need to know. How would he?

She gets in, pulling out and driving out of the parking lot
with Sam's body.
END OF COLD OPEN.
 4.

ACT ONE

INT. TORRES HOME - DAY

Chelsea drags Sams body inside, kicking the door closed

behind her. She drops her, and dials her phone.
CHELSEA
Billie, its me. Come over to my
place now, its urgent.
(beat)
Bring your craft supplies.
She hangs up and surveys her dead sister.

INT. BATHROOM - DAY

Chelsea sets Sam up in the bathtub, scrubbing some of the
dried blood off her. A doorbell is heard.

INT. FOYER - SAME

Chelsea opens the door to find JORDAN (15): nerdy but wise.
CHELSEA
Oh shit, I forgot about you.

JORDAN
Umm, hi? Is Sam here? She was
supposed to meet me at school
awhile ago. And she's never late.
Not even that time you convinced
her Daylight Savings only applied
to grown ups.

CHELSEA
Yeah about that. Sam isnt feeling
great so she decided to stay home.
JORDAN
Oh can I see her? I hate germs but
if I hold my breath I think I
should be fine!
Chelsea takes a deep breath.
CHELSEA
Okay listen, youre Sams best
friend right?
 5.

JORDAN
Shes my only friend.

CHELSEA
Can you keep a secret? You cant
even tell your parents.
JORDAN
(whispering)
Did Sam try beer?

CHELSEA
That's ridiculous that would never
happen. Come inside.

She closes the door.

CHELSEA (CONTD)
Okay, so. Sams dead. BUT--

JORDAN
What!?
She starts to cry.

CHELSEA
Hey hey hey no tears! You didnt
even let me finish! Sams dead BUT
I think we can put her back
together. My--the car didnt hit
her that hard and its only been an
hour. People die in hospitals and
come back all the time. Trust me, I
watch a lot of TV.

JORDAN
We have to take her to a doctor!
CHELSEA
They'll just call our dad! And he's
busy being a traveling economics
salesman or something, and the
first time he sees me after 10
months can't be because I killed
his youngest. He'll move back home,
and I am so not ready to be
parented again. I'm in charge of
Sam, so what I say goes!
JORDAN
This isn't about you!
 6.

CHELSEA
Yes it is! It's my responsibility
to keep her from getting killed, So
now its my responsibility to fix
it. I have to save her. Thats what
being a big sister is all about.

Jordan still looks hesitant.

CHELSEA (CONTD)
That's what being a best friend is
all about.

The doorbell rings again.

CHELSEA (CONTD)
That must be the other member of
our revival team.

She opens the door to find BILLIE (17): neon hair, preppy
stoner clothes, giant box of craft supplies.

BILLIE
Whats the emergency? Did Sam shave
her eyebrow off again?
Chelsea pulls her inside, quickly shutting the door.

CHELSEA
Okay heres the deal: Sams dead.
Were putting her back together.
Youre both here to help. Get on
board or get out.

INT. BATHROOM - DAY

The three girls look down at mangled Sam in the tub. Jordan
bends over and vomits in the toilet.
CHELSEA
Its just some cuts and bruises, we
can fix this.

BILLIE
Im following your lead, Mrs. Mad
Scientist.

CHELSEA
Jordan, youre a nerd right? What
did they teach you guys in Biology
about saving corpses?
 7.

JORDAN
That wasnt in the syllabus!
CHELSEA
Hey, do you wanna save your only
friend or not?

Jordans considers, her face growing somber.

JORDAN
Im not sure if this is moral.
Manipulating the dead body of
another human, forcing her back
into this cruel, mortal existence.
My parents don't even trust me to
slice up my own apples. Who are we
to play God?
Chelsea slaps her.

CHELSEA
Grow up, kid. You break it, you buy
it.
BILLIE
Hey, you didnt say anything about
spending money on this.
CHELSEA
Listen, I let you both in here for
a reason. Jordan, youre smart. You
must know something about how the
human body works. Billie, youre
creative and know how to sew. I
havent always been the best big
sister to Sam, but this seems like
as good a time as any to fix that.
Lets get to work, okay?
The other girls nod.

MONTAGE - BATHROOM - NIGHT:

-The girls, sleeves rolled up, lay out supplies one at a
time: hot glue gun, needle and thread, antiseptic wipes, Bio
101 textbook, cartoon band aids, an electric shaver.

-Chelsea shaving off Sams hair into a buzz-cut

-Jordan reading a Bio 101 textbook

-Billie sewing up a large gash on Sams head

 8.

-Chelsea hot gluing one of Sams ears back on. Its not
working. She secures it with a crudely pierced safety pin

-Jordan throwing up again

-Billie reading an Operation board game rule book

-Chelsea flicking Sams eyelids and inspecting

The montage is broken by the sound of Chelsea's phone

ringing. The caller ID reads "Absent Father--answer only if
sober." She declines the call.

JORDAN
Maybe if you told him, he could
help.
CHELSEA
As someone who's never met our dad,
I can't blame you for how stupid
that sounded. He's better off not
knowing. We all are.

The doorbell rings.

BILLIE
Did you invite another friend over
to help? I thought I was special.

Chelsea gets up cautiously.

CHELSEA
Lock the door behind me.

INT. FOYER - NIGHT

Chelsea, stained and frazzled, opens the door to Mr. Stoker.

STOKER
I know what you did.
CHELSEA
And apparently where we live.

STOKER
I'm a teacher, it's my job to know
too much.

CHELSEA
Well I have no idea what you're
talking about. Maybe you've inhaled
too many chemicals, it's very
important to waft not sniff.
 9.

STOKER
Chelsea, Chelsea, Chelsea, lets not
play games here.
CHELSEA
(innocent, cold)
You're going to have to elaborate.
STOKER
You hit your angelic little sister
with your car! I saw it, cried for
a few hours, and came here to make
sure she's okay.
CHELSEA
Im sorry Mr. Stoker I think you
must be confused. Sams fine. We
didnt even go to school today.
STOKER
Ha! I didnt mention school.

CHELSEA
Listen, I get it: you're very
lonely, and she's your favorite
student. Your weird bond warms my
cold heart. But you need to get out
of here.
She tries to close the door, but he stops her with his foot.

STOKER
If Sams fine then let me see her.
CHELSEA
Well as normal and appropriate as
it is for a science teacher to show
up at the unsupervised home of 2
teen girls on a weekend, Im afraid
Ill have to say no. Shes at the
library right now studying for her
Spanish quiz.
El clsico Sam responsable.
Subtitles: "Classic responsible Sam."

Stoker narrows his eyes in suspicion.

STOKER
Our school doesnt have a foreign
language budget.
 10.

CHELSEA
Shes taking classes online. Always
an overachiever, my little sis. I
think you should go home now, it
seems like you need some rest.

She slams the door. He calls out from the other side:
STOKER (O.S.)
I know I didnt imagine this!
Theres a tween-sized dent in your
car!

INT. BATHROOM - NIGHT

Chelsea inspects a partially-repaired Sam, whose skin is now

a pale blue. Billie tries to make origami with the toilet
paper. Jordan searches through the textbook.

CHELSEA
What about her heart? We need to
get it pumping again.

BILLIE
I once read that electrolytes can
restart a heart!
CUT TO:

Chelsea pouring purple Gatorade down Sams throat.

CHELSEA
This is disgusting.

BILLIE
I know, grape is the worst flavor.

CHELSEA
Were going to need more. Jordan?

JORDAN
(reading)
In certain cases, recently
deceased bodies have been revived
from a strong shock to the central
nervous system.
CUT TO:

Chelsea holding a TOASTER over the now-filled bathtub. All 3

girls wear big rubber gloves and boots.
 11.

CHELSEA
I'm going to be honest with you
guys, I've kind of always wanted to
try this.

She drops it in.

A HUGE SHOCK bursts through the tub as electricity CRACKLES

through the air in a BIG explosion, and the girls get knocked
backwards. The lights go off, flicker wildly, then come back
on.

Sams body shakes and surges through the shock. The bathtub
cracks. The girls' hair stands up straight.

The toaster handle pops up as if its done. Chelsea crawls

over, using her gloved hand to unplug it.
She grabs Sams body and drags her out of the tub, laying her
on the ground.

CHELSEA (CONTD)
Sam? Sam? Can you hear me?
Nothing.

CHELSEA (CONTD)
Sam come on, I know youre in
there.

She shakes her harder.

CHELSEA (CONTD)
Come on Sam, wake up! Be alive! Get
mad at me! Borrow my clothes even
though you don't have the boobs to
fill them out! Please, please just
come back!

She stands up, kicking Sams body in immature frustration.

Jordan and Billie each grab a shoulder, pulling her back.
CHELSEA (CONTD)
I really thought I could save
her...
Chelseas entire demeanor sags.
CHELSEA (CONTD)
I cant look at her like this
anymore.
 12.

INT. LIVING ROOM - SAME

The girls sit down, defeated.

CHELSEA
I guess I have to call our Dad. The
last time he came home was for my
sweet sixteen. Now it'll be for a
funeral. He'll probably wear the
same tie.
BILLIE
Im really sorry, Chelsea. You're a
good sister for trying.

CHELSEA
(solemn)
Too little too late I guess.
Jordan, do you need a ride home?

JORDAN
(in her own world)
Shes gone. Who am I gonna have
lunch with at school? Ill have to
eat in the bathroom like a teen
movie and I've read enough to know
how dirty those bathrooms are.

CHELSEA
I shouldnt have involved you in
this. I just wanted to start over.
To take care of her. She deserved a
better sister.
SAM
Sis-ter?

They whip around to see Sam standing in the doorway.

She looks crazy. Blue/white skin. Sopping wet, buzz cut,
pieced together with thread and a safety pin. Her pupils are
dilated, she breathes heavy.
CHELSEA
Sam!
She runs over, grabbing Sam in a hug.
Sam screams in shock and shoves her on the ground.

CHELSEA (CONTD)
Whats wrong? Are you okay? What do
you remember? Are you mad at me?
 13.

JORDAN
Dont touch her!
Sam holds her head in her hands, moaning.

SAM
Hurts.
BILLIE
Jordan was right, this was a bad
idea! How many Frankenstein movies
do there have to be before humans
will learn!
CHELSEA
Shut up! Shes just confused.
(to Sam)
You remember me right?
Sam nods.
SAM
(slowly)
You killed me.

JORDAN BILLIE
What!? What!?
CHELSEA
Yes! No! Oh god, please don't tell
dad.
Sam feels the safety pin in her ear and pulls it out, causing
a burst of blood and her ear to dangle. She yells out in
pain.
CHELSEA (CONTD)
Dont do that!
Chelsea grabs the safety pin and tries to pin it back through
Sams ear, but Sam shrieks again and head butts her hard,
knocking her out cold.
JORDAN
Woah, you're going to do really
well in gym class.
END OF ACT ONE.
 14.

ACT TWO

INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

Chelsea blinks her eyes open, revealing: Sam sitting cross-

legged on the floor drinking a carton of milk. Jordan and
Billie stand on either side of her.
CHELSEA
Okay, so maybe we should've called
a doctor.
JORDAN
Yeah and maybe you should've been
honest with us about how Sam died.
CHELSEA
Get off your high horse, sophomore.
It was an accident, and I took
responsibility for it. You should
get out of here anyway, Sam and I
need to talk.
JORDAN
I'm not leaving my best friend
alone with her murderer!
CHELSEA
Hey watch it, I was her sister
before I was her murderer.
Without saying anything, Sam gets up and walks bumpily
towards the door. She repeatedly tries pulling the nob, even
though it's a push door.
JORDAN
I don't know if this is a good
idea.
CHELSEA
I think she just wants some fresh
air. Let's give her the benefit of
the doubt.
BILLIE
(hushed)
I have a gun in my purse if we need
it.
Sam steps outside, the girls following.
 15.

EXT. FRONT LAWN - NIGHT

Sam looks wide-eyed around the neighborhood. Up at the stars.
At herself.
CHELSEA
This is where we live, remember?
Over there is where I taught you
how to ride your bike.

Sam points to a spot on the driveway.

SAM
You ran over my pet rat.

CHELSEA
Gouda was asking for it! And
besides, let's not focus on the
past. We have to deal with this
new...situation.

Sam surveys her own body again, poking and prodding at her
blueish skin and scars.

SAM
I feel weird. Am I dead?
BILLIE
Think of yourself more like a cool
zombie!

SAM
So I'm a monster.

JORDAN CHELSEA
No! Sort of.

They glare at each other.

CHELSEA (CONTD)
Ya know what, I think all this
stimulus is making things harder.
Sam needs some space. Billie, how
about you take Jordan home and I'll
help Sam get to bed.

BILLIE
My parents think I'm at a pep
rally, and those don't even exist
anymore. So yeah, I should probably
get home.

SAM
I want to go with Jordan.
 16.

CHELSEA
I know you're mad at me but this
isn't the time for a slumber party.

SAM
I can't trust you right now! You
killed me!

CHELSEA
And then I brought you back! Why
aren't you more impressed by that!?

JORDAN
Sam, I--I don't think it's a good
idea for you to come home with me.
SAM
But you're my best friend! And you
hate Chelsea!
JORDAN CHELSEA
I do. I like to think we have a
mutual understanding.

SAM
Your parents love me.

JORDAN
Exactly. And they're going to
notice that you're...different.
SAM
I'm fine!

A trickling is heard. Sam looks down to discover she's just

peed herself

JORDAN
I think it's best if maybe they
don't see the new you yet.
Sam deflates. Chelsea notices, actually looks a little
guilty.

CHELSEA
Cheer up kid, we can have ice cream
for dinner. Your favorite!

SAM
That's your favorite.
CHELSEA
Right. Our favorite.
 17.

She ushers Sam inside as Billie and Jordan get into Billie's
car. In the background, Stoker slowly emerges from the
shadowy bushes into view, speaking to himself.
STOKER
They've turned my brightest pupil
into a crime against nature...
He spots Sam through the window.

STOKER (CONTD)
But I can still save her.
As he steps back into the shadows a loudly buzzing BEE stings
him.

STOKER (CONTD)
Oww damnit! Bees at night?

INT. SAM'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

Chelsea is tucking Sam in. They both seem uncomfortable.

CHELSEA
Man, if this was any other day I'd
be making so much fun of you.
SAM
(quiet)
I know.

CHELSEA
I'm just kidding around. Aren't you
happy I saved you?

Sam shrugs.
CHELSEA (CONTD)
(guilty)
Why don't we just start over? I'll
try to be a better caretaker, and
you'll try to re-learn basic human
function including speech,
movement, and social norms. Sound
good?

SAM
And if I can't?

CHELSEA
Well then we'll...
(honestly)
I-I'm not sure.
 18.

Sam nods and rolls over, facing away from Chelsea.

CHELSEA (CONTD)
Get some rest, you can sleep in
tomorrow.
Sam quickly rolls over at that.

SAM
No, I have to go to school.
CHELSEA
Sam, you died this morning. I think
you can miss one day of public
education.
SAM
You said I have to re-learn how to
be a person. To be normal. I'm
going to school.
She rolls over, facing away again. Chelsea sighs, turns off
the lamp and gets up to leave.

CHELSEA
You might not trust me right now,
but I promise I was just trying to
take responsibility for once. I
didn't give up on you that time you
got cornrows on vacation and I'm
not going to give up on you now.
INT. SCHOOL HALLWAY - NEXT MORNING

Sam and Chelsea enter, cautiously. Sam is wearing a

turtleneck and long pants, but keeps fidgeting with her new
buzz cut.

SAM
I need a wig.
CHELSEA
Don't worry, you look great!

A young TEEN BOY walks past, stopping in horror when he sees

Sam.
TEEN BOY
Oh my god Sam, what happened?? Do
you have cancer?
SAM
Do I look...different?
 19.

CHELSEA
Scram kid.
He awkwardly shuffles away, calling back:

TEEN BOY
If we have a fundraiser volleyball
game for you, I promise I'll play!

INT. STOKER'S CLASSROOM - DAY

Sam enters the empty classroom. Stoker swivels around in his

desk chair, incidentally looking like a movie villain.

STOKER
Sam! I'm so happy to see you.
SAM
Have you actually seen me?

She gestures at her awkward appearance. Stoker rushes over to

close the door. Sam nervously fiddles with a display
skeleton.

STOKER
Yes and I know what your sister did
to you.
SAM
Re-arranging the dolls in my room
every time I was gone as a kid so
that when I'd come home it would
look like they were alive and
trying to kill me?

STOKER
We both know that's not what I'm
referring to.
Sam gulps nervously. She accidentally breaks a finger bone
off the skeleton.

SAM
Chelsea and I have a complicated
relationship.

STOKER
This isn't acceptable, Sam. What
she's done to you: neglect, turning
you into a dangerous experiment,
keeping you in that house with her.
It's not healthy.
 20.

SAM
But Chelsea's taken care of me for
years. Our dad works in England,
and is sort of a dud. And our
mom...
(realizing)
I don't remember. Why don't I
remember?

STOKER
It doesn't matter, because that's
where I come in. Do you know
anything about my personal life
Sam?

SAM
I'm actually more comfortable not
knowing--

STOKER
You see, I've always wanted a
family. You know, a pretty, but
quiet, wife. An intellectual
precocious child to assist me in my
scientific endeavors. Every man's
dream!

SAM
But I'm not your daughter.

STOKER
Oh I know that, silly.
Beat. Sam looks a little relieved, until Stoker takes the
skeleton finger out of her hand and playfully points it at
her.

STOKER (CONTD)
But you could be. Think about it.
I'm a better guardian than Chelsea.
I have a job, a house, and I could
take you to father-daughter dances.
Is Chelsea going to walk you down
the aisle at your wedding? I don't
think so. Come stay with me, I have
a guest room that's all yours.

SAM
Mr. Stoker, this is really--
 21.

STOKER
Please, call me dad. I know this
may seem sudden and crazy, but I've
spent far too long watching your
selfish snake of a sister fail to
take care of my brightest student.
I believe you deserve better, and
we could be a happy family. Just
you, me, and science.

The bell rings.

SAM
I have to go.
(beat)
I'll consider your offer.
She walks to the door, her large backpack knocking over
various beakers and test tubes as she goes.

INT. CAFETERIA - DAY

Chelsea sits with Billie, who's more busy playing with her
food than eating it. Jordan joins them, looking panicked.

JORDAN
Have you guys seen Sam? She never
showed up to Calculus.

BILLIE
How are you already in Calculus?
JORDAN
How are you not?
CHELSEA
I'm sure she's fine.

Sam enters the cafeteria, a bit overwhelmed at all the people

and noise. Chelsea beckons her over.
CHELSEA (CONTD)
See, she's right here!

Sam sits down, not making eye contact with Chelsea.

CHELSEA (CONTD)
Hey squirt, I got an extra milk for
you.
SAM
No thanks.
 22.

BILLIE
I'll take it.
Billie chugs the entire mini milk carton in one gulp.

JORDAN
Why didn't you come to Calculus?
Mrs. Duvall finally let us try
using Cylindrical Shell
calculations! I was able to find
the volume around the axis without
my smart calculator! It was such a
rush!

SAM
That sounds amazing, but I needed
space to do some thinking.
CHELSEA
Sam I hate to say this, but
skipping classes is more of my
game. Normally I'd encourage you to
break some rules, but this isn't
like you.

SAM
Well yeah maybe that's because I
don't feel like me! I don't know
who I am anymore and it's all your
fault!
CHELSEA
Woah woah woah Daria, check your
teen angst. You can still be your
same awkward, lame self. In fact, I
would prefer it if we all tried to
go back to normal. I'm still your
guardian,
(gesturing at Jordan)
she's still your annoying best
friend,
(gesturing at Billie)
she's still my dumb stoner best
friend.
(gesturing at Sam)
And you are still you. Why should
anything really change?
JORDAN
There's a pretty obvious answer to
that!
 23.

BILLIE
And I'm more than just a stoner. I
also hang out with a lot of stray
dogs!

They both storm off from the table, offended. Sam fidgets.
CHELSEA
And you're mad at me too. Great.
This day couldn't kill my buzz any
harder.
SAM
It's easy for you to go back to
normal. You're not a freak like me.
Do you know how many teachers have
tried to send me to the nurse
today?
CHELSEA
So what? I should've just let you
stay dead?
SAM
Or not killed me in the first
place!
CHELSEA
Oh my god would you let that go
already!? It was an ACCIDENT.
SAM
You're always putting yourself
before me!

CHELSEA
I'm trying my best. What do you
want from me?
SAM
Tell me what happened to mom.
Beat. This surprises Chelsea.
CHELSEA
What? Why are you bringing that up?
SAM
I don't remember her and it's
freaking me out! And you must know.
So where is she?
CHELSEA
She left.
 24.

SAM
Why?
CHELSEA
Stop grilling me! Who cares why she
left, she just left okay?
SAM
Why won't you tell me? Was it
because of me?
CHELSEA
It doesn't matter! Forget about
her. I'm all the mother you've ever
needed.
SAM
No you're not! We're not even a
real family. Everyone I know has a
family and I just have you. You
don't know how to take care of me.
Especially now!
CHELSEA
That hasn't stopped me from trying!
SAM
Well maybe it should!
That stung. Chelsea won't make eye contact. Cruelly, she
retorts:
CHELSEA
Fine. You're right. Mom did leave
because of you.
Sam doesn't know how to respond. She gives her one long, last
look before getting up and walking away.

INT. SCHOOL HALLWAY - LATER

Chelsea walks down the hallway. She spots Jordan, who quickly
looks away.
CHELSEA
Yeah that's right, pretend you
don't see me.
She walks past Billie, who flips her off.
CHELSEA (CONTD)
Ahh, much better.
 25.

She reaches her locker, putting in the combination and

opening it. A note falls out and hits her.

CHELSEA (CONTD)
If this is another love letter I
swear to god...
She opens it, reading:

SAM (V.O.)
Dear Chelsea, don't bother waiting
for me to drive home, because I've
already left. For very mature and
rational reasons I can't expect you
to understand, I have decided to no
longer live with you. You don't
want the burden of a little sister
like me, and I need someone who can
really take care of me--especially
now that I'm a monster. I'm making
a new family with Mr. Stoker. I
mean dad. I mean Mr. Dad. He's
always wanted a daughter, and I'd
like to see what having a parent is
like. This seems to be for the
best. I'll see you around the
school halls--unless you drop out.
Sincerely, Samantha Torres.

INT. CAR - SAME

Sam sits shot gun as Stoker drives happily. The radio loudly
plays "Father and Daughter" by Paul Simon, and Stoker sings
along off-key.

STOKER
I'm so happy you took me up on my
offer, I got myself a little gift.

He shows her a World's Best Dad mug, which he takes a loud

slurp from.
Sam smiles brightly, looking out the windshield into her
future.

INT. SCHOOL HALLWAY - SAME

Chelsea gapes in horror at the letter before crumpling it up
and angrily throwing it in her locker.

END OF ACT TWO.

 26.

ACT THREE

INT. SCHOOL BATHROOM - DAY

CHELSEA
Thank you for meeting me here.

Reveal: Jordan and Billie, arms crossed with poker faces.

CHELSEA (CONTD)
I know I may have been a
bit...difficult to deal with the
last 48 hours.
BILLIE
I literally helped you revive your
dead sister and you still think I'm
just some stupid hippie.
JORDAN
And I truly think you're a bad
person.

CHELSEA
Well I have some arguments I could
make on both of those points, but
we don't have time. I need your
help. Sam's gone. She left me a
note saying she's going to live
with Mr. Stoker to start some weird
new family.

Pause.
JORDAN BILLIE
I knew he liked her more than ...so what?
me.

CHELSEA
Guys! This is a problem! He took my
sister away!

JORDAN
(calm)
No, she left willingly. He is a
teacher, and I've always thought
Sam needed a stronger parental
figure. This seems natural.
Chelsea angrily knocks the books out of Jordan's hands.
 27.

BILLIE
It's troubling that you're more
upset by this than when you killed
her.

CHELSEA
This is worse! It's easy to explain
to people "oh yeah my sister died
that's why she's not around" but
how am I supposed to tell people my
sister dumped me for her bio
teacher!?
JORDAN
So you're mad about how this
affects...you.

BILLIE
Is it still deja-vu if this feels
like something that happened
yesterday?

CHELSEA
If you two aren't going to help me
then fine, I'll go save Sam myself.
Stoker probably already has her
locked in some creepy mad scientist
dungeon.
Chelsea exits, leaving Jordan and Billie.

JORDAN
Well that's just absurd.
BILLIE
I know, right? As if he could
afford a dungeon on a teacher's
salary.

INT. CAR - DAY

Chelsea drives recklessly, angrily muttering to herself.

CHELSEA
She thinks that man-worm will be a
better guardian than me? How is he
gonna teach her which brands of
tampons are itchy? She needs me!

She pulls out a cigarette, lights it and takes a disturbingly

long drag.
 28.

INT. STOKER'S HOUSE - DAY

Stoker and Sam enter, she surveys the meticulously clean
home. It looks like a catalogue, but not very lived in. The
living room furniture is still covered in protective plastic.
SAM
Wow, I never expected it to be
so...perfect.

STOKER
I don't have many guests.

Sam inspects the mantle, which is covered in nice picture

frames still filled with the family stock photos they come
with.
STOKER (CONTD)
Now that I have you, I can finally
put my own family picture into one
of those frames.
SAM
That's actually really sweet.

STOKER
I told you you'd love it here! How
about I make us some mac n' cheese.
Your favorite.

SAM
How did you--nevermind. It's better
if I don't know. Mac n' cheese
sounds great.

EXT. STOKER'S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS

Chelsea pulls into the driveway of a surprisingly cute

suburban home with a garden out front.
She exits the car, carelessly tossing her lit cigarette onto
the lawn. It begins to slowly burn the grass.

INT. STOKER'S HOUSE - SAME

The doorbell rings.

STOKER
Could you get that? I'm knuckles
deep in some low-moisture
mozzarella.
 29.

Sam goes over and opens the door to find Chelsea, fists
raised and ready to punch.
SAM
Please don't hit me!

CHELSEA
Oh calm down, I thought you'd be
Stoker.

SAM
You aren't supposed to be here.
CHELSEA
Neither are you.

Chelsea pushes past her, entering the home. She looks around,
seeing the immaculate furniture and Stoker wearing an apron.
CHELSEA (CONTD)
This is the creepiest episode of
Full House I've never seen.
STOKER
Ahh, Chelsea, of course you showed
up uninvited. I'd actually like to
thank you. If you hadn't killed Sam
she never would've had the leverage
to come live with me. In a way, you
made this happen.

CHELSEA
Take off that apron so I can kick
your ass properly.
SAM
You seriously came here to beat up
my new dad?
CHELSEA
Yeah, obviously. I'm saving you,
dummy.

SAM
This is just like you! Look at
yourself. You're putting your own
wants ahead of mine, and
threatening an adult in the
process.
STOKER
And I'm not allowed to hit a
student until after I get tenure.
 30.

CHELSEA
(air-quoting the quotes)
Oh so you want to stay here, huh?
Gonna choose the "adult" with a
"job" and a "401K"? You think he'll
ever be as good to you as I was? He
won't take you to a strip club on
your 16th birthday!

SAM
Thank god he won't! That doesn't
sound at all like something I would
enjoy. You have absolutely no idea
how to think about anyone but
yourself.

CHELSEA
That's ridiculous! I'm extremely
attuned to the wants of others.
Example: I know you want me to
leave right now. So fine, I will.
She storms over to the door, whipping it open to reveal that
the lawn is on fire. She immediately closes the door.

CHELSEA (CONTD)
Okay so I lit the yard on fire.
Please save the lecture.
STOKER
Fire!?? My marigolds!

Stoker frantically grabs a fire extinguisher from under the

sink and runs outside. Sam dials her phone.

CHELSEA
Oh so you're ignoring me now? Real
mature.

SAM
I'm calling the fire department!

CHELSEA
God, you were so much easier to
control when you were dead!

EXT. STOKER'S HOME - NIGHT

A fire engine drives away as Stoker stares hopelessly at his

burnt yard. Everything is black and dead. The house is fine.
Sam pats his back while Chelsea stands awkwardly to the side.
 31.

STOKER
My...my beautiful flowers. All
gone.

SAM
We'll plant new ones! Family
flowers!
He smiles warmly at her. Chelsea clears her throat.

CHELSEA
Soooo I think I'm gonna head out.
STOKER
Finally!

SAM
Wait, for real?
Chelsea stares at her feet, not making eye contact.

CHELSEA
Yeah, seems like I've lost this
one. You want a real parent. God
help me, I have no idea why. But
you do. And I'm...me. I light
fires, and hit you with my car, and
still read at an 8th grade level.

STOKER
That's horrifying.
SAM
So you're actually going to let me
go?
CHELSEA
Yes. If it's really what you want.

Sam nods. Chelsea ducks her head.

CHELSEA (CONTD)
If this really is it, I have to
tell you
(deep breath)
I lied before. Mom left because of
me. It's my fault.
Sam is shocked silent.

CHELSEA (CONTD)
Okay well that's about as humble as
I'm capable of being so, I guess
I'll see you around.
(MORE)
 32.
CHELSEA (CONTD)
(pause)
And if you could keep the whole me
killing you and then bringing you
back from the dead thing on the DL,
that would be cool.
Stoker wraps her arm around Sam, ushering her inside.

INT. STOKER'S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS

Stoker goes back to the kitchen to clean up. Sam sits down,
shell-shocked.

STOKER
Well thank goodness that mess is
over. Now we can finally start our
new lives.

SAM
Yeah...okay.
STOKER
Now we should probably set some
house rules. I'm no dictator, but I
am your dad after all. So, how
about curfew at 11 except on
weekends. You can have boys over as
long as your bedroom door stays
open. Oh, and you can never see
Chelsea again.

SAM
What!?
STOKER
Sweetheart, she's AWFUL. You saw
the terrible things she did today.
And yesterday. And I'm sure every
day before that. I won't have you
hanging around her or speaking to
her anymore. I'm sorry, but that's
final.
SAM
You can't tell me what to do!
STOKER
Yes I can, young lady! You will not
see Chelsea again because she's a
bad influence, and even more
importantly--because I said so.
 33.

Sam pauses, taking a look around the house. She notices the
the empty family photos again.
SAM
Oh my god I'm an idiot.
STOKER
No sweetheart you're very
intelligent. We just need to teach
you how to be a better judge of
character.
SAM
Yeah, exactly--because I trusted
you and it's clear you're a giant
creep!
STOKER
Excuse me?

SAM
There's a reason you don't have a
family already! And why your
nemesis is a 17-year-old girl! You
suck. I'm leaving.
Sam heads to the door, Stoker steps in front to block her.
STOKER
I will not have you disrespecting
me in my own home!
SAM
Your home is creepy too! Who keeps
the plastic on their furniture? And
why is there a urinal and no toilet
in your bathroom? I had to pee in
the sink!
STOKER
Well guess what: that's just the
beginning of your troubles. You've
pissed off the wrong teacher, kid,
and I'm going to make high school a
living hell for you. I have the
faculty behind me, and all you have
are your silly little friends. And
you're already going to have a hard
time, look at yourself: you're a
freak!
SAM
Then I guess my science career is
already starting.
(MORE)
 34.
SAM (CONTD)
Experiment #1: myself. That's
right, if I ever figure out this
stupid body, I'll win a goddamn
Nobel Prize for it!

She pushes past him.

STOKER
You'll regret this! I would've been
the best dad ever!
SAM
Yeah well don't quit your day job.
(pause)
Or do. A new teacher would probably
be better for my situation.
She opens the door, slamming it behind her.

EXT. STOKER'S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS

Sam steps out onto the porch to see Chelsea struggling to
light a brown paper bag on fire.

SAM
Is...is that what I think it is?
Chelsea looks up, noticing Sam. She chucks the bag to the
side.
CHELSEA
No. Maybe. Shut up. Why are you out
here?

SAM
I want to go home. With you.

CHELSEA
Why? Did Stoker do something bad to
you!? I'll kill him I swear to god
I'll break that virgin in half and-

SAM
Chelsea!
Chelsea shuts up.

SAM (CONTD)
(deep breath)
Thank you for giving me the freedom
to stay here, but upon further
consideration I have decided I
would like to stick with you.
 35.

Chelsea squeals, pulls Sam into a hug. After a beat, she

pushes her away and pinches her.

CHELSEA
Don't you ever abandon me again! 10
minutes without having to be
responsible for you and I was
already planning to drop out and
run pyramid schemes for a living!

SAM
That might actually be your
calling.

CHELSEA
Shut up, let's go home. We still
have some Rockie Road left for
dinner.

She puts her arm around Sam and they begin strolling to the
car.
SAM
I can't believe you actually put my
feelings ahead of yours. Does this
mean you'll buy me a wig now?
CHELSEA
Hell no, I'm not spending money on
that. Plus--

She ruffles Sam's buzzcut.

CHELSEA (CONTD)
I kind of like it this way.

END OF PILOT.