These years have seemed rapidly changes in the way of acquiring

information. Many people argue that knowledge in the science field,

business information as well as academic one should be publicized,
whereas others suppose that it would be better to limit the access to
the information. I believe that it all depends.

On the one hand, it is explanatory why some people prefer particular

information should be open to the public. Provided that everyone is
allowed to hold scientific techniques, the whole community would be
benefited at large, since essential and inexpensive goods would be
manufactured on a substantial scale. Decades ago, for instance, it was
only a few number of wealthy people who was able to search on the
Internet. Once the method was widely unveiled, the probability of
searching the information from Internet was accessible to the poor.

On the other hand, the access of specialized information may be

classified and should not be shared freely in business world. One
reason is that some kinds of knowledge are extremely important to
such an extent that the inappropriate use of these techniques would
probably be a root of some global disasters. For example, in scientific
world, some information may be relevant to military secrets, like the
high-resolution images from satellites. It is inaccessible and unsafe for
normal people to get those clear images which may cause irreversible
solution. Secondly, many researchers, as well as some corporations,
devoted their entire life and large period of time to searching in their
chosen field, their achievements should be provided sufficient rewards
such as the patent or copyright to their goals, rather than leaking all
those commercial confident documents out to all the public.
In conclusion, the admission to access essential information should be
open to the whole community, however, vital and secret one should be
narrowly provided.
Undoubtedly, sports/entertainment is a multimillion
dollar industry. Due to this reason, people associated
with this profession are earning much greater salaries as
compared to doctors, lawyers, teachers, engineers and
business graduates. Some people is in the favor of this
argument while others believed this as unfavorable.

To some extent it is justified but there is also a need

to have other side of the picture as well. Couple of people
is of the view that this stance is totally unfair
particularly in this recessionary period. This will bring
income disparity which is harmful for the society. In this
way, the gap between the social classes widens. There is
a need to have harmony and balance of wealth in the
economy. It is much better to spend this excessive salary
to feed the poor of our locality. Whereas other group of
people supports this view and argue that there are very
few sportsmen who are earning high wages. There is one
Federer, one Waseem Akram. Not every player is as
wealthier as they are. Besides this, the average age of
players is the shortest than any other profession. Players
get retired at an early age of 30s and 40s.
 On the other hand, doctors and lawyers can do
practice even after the age of 65. Players work day and
night to bring glory and winning cups for the whole
country. It is because of these players that any nation
can organize tournament that is prime factor in
generating a lot of revenue.

In short, I would like to say that claim is fully

justified and there is no harm of earning a huge amount
of money.
According to some people parents play an important role in the academic
development of their children, while other suggest that teacher has more
influence than parents in childs academic development. In my point of
view both have their own influence, so in this essay we will discuss the
importance of both parents and teachers.

To begin with, a childs better education is one of the most important

responsibility of their parents. A child spent most of his time in their
homes with parents, and parents need to keep an eye on the curricular
and extracurricular activities of their children. For example, they need to
check regularly their academic work, such as their home works, their
daily school diaries and to correlate with their teachers, which results in a
good academic achievement.

Moreover, many childrens share their problems with their parents

regarding their studies, because of the friendly environment between
parents and children, and it had a great impact in the childs academic
development, and there were many issues which can be solved with help
of their parents and a child gain more confidence with these types of
friendship with their parents.

However, teachers also have a great role in the academic development of

a child, because they spent their growing and character building time
with their teachers. They have the ability how to deal with different types
of situation that a student face in their academic level, and teachers know
very better solutions for these problems. So, these teachers help very
much in the academic and character building of a child.

In my point of view, both parents and teachers have their main and
enough role in the academic development of a child, and their mutual
cooperation with each other, helps a lot in the academic development of
a children and it is very useful for a bright future of a student.
In recent years, there has been growing interest in the
relationship between equality and personal achievement.
Some people believe that individuals can achieve more in
egalitarian societies. Others believe that high levels of
personal achievement are possible only if individuals are
free to succeed or fail according to their individual merits.
What is your view of the relationship between equality
and personal success?

From the beginning of the modern societies, people divided into two large campaigns.
One believed that all people should have the same rights and duties, while other
campaign view was to let individuals achieve with respect to their merits. In my
opinion, both systems have their advantages and disadvantages. A society
merging these two disciplines would be the best.
On the one hand, living in egalitarian societies, where all people enjoy the same
political, social, economic and civil rights would be of great advantage. All people have
access to unified health care systems. At the same time, education and social welfare
for all countrys population is free of charge. Under these conditions people will no
longer worry about superficial demands and they will devote their time to work and
community services. As a result, these societies will enjoy stronger social interactions
and will conserve many of the traditional values. However, there would be some
disadvantages related to the lack of promotions, ranks and incentives. This, in turn, will
discourage people from working hard and being successful and distinguishable in the
workplace.

On the other hand, being in democratic societies, where individual achievements will
be determined by the level of his success, has some benefits as well as drawbacks.
People will be more eager to work and to do their best to get higher promotions and
positions. Therefore, they can afford themselves better life with a variety of amenities
and entertainment.
Furthermore, there would be no limits to peoples ambition and new horizons
ahead continuously. However, the gap between the rich and poor becomes
bigger and bigger. Besides, the society will lose social and cultural traditions, and
will be overwhelmed by greediness.
In conclusion, establishing society that characterized by equality between its citizens
and simultaneously introducing promotional and incentive schemes will be much more
successful than any other of the two systems independently.
ELTS Writing Task 2 - How to make a good essay
better
May 31, 2017
|

Larry Fedorowick

I was recently sent an essay from a student who is a pretty good writer. However, there
are still some ways to improve on her essay and to ensure a high score.

In this blog:

I will first show the essay by the student

and then go through some key steps to improve it.

I will show you how to turn a GOOD essay

into a BETTER essay

in 5 simple STEPS

ESSAY QUESTION:

Some people say that in all levels of education, from primary schools to universities, too
much time is spent on learning facts and not enough on learning practical skills.
Do you agree or disagree?

Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own
knowledge or experience.
Write at least 250 words

ORIGINAL ESSAY BY STUDENT

According to some views from primary schools to universities, a large amount of time is
spent on learning facts and theory, instead of developing practical skills. In this essay i
will explain why i completely agree with this statement.

Going back to primary school, I remember that a considerable part of time was
dedicated to learning theoretical aspects of different topics such as History or
 Geography. However, little or no time was spent on practical skills like for example how
to use a map correctly . As a consequence, students are able to remember political and
historical aspects of a country, but they tend to get lost while walking in the districts of a
new city. In the same way, I remember that going back to my academic years as a
medical student, I was faced with an enormous amount of theoretical aspects
concerning anatomy, physiology and pathology. However, the time spent next to the
patient was considerably less. As a result, I knew everything about the anatomy and
pathology of the knee, but when challenged by a patient with a knee problem i did not
know what to do. The same concept applies to all universities in my country. In other
words, I spoke about my experience as a medical student, nevertheless most of my
friends who followed different academic paths experienced the same problems i had.
For instance, one of my dearest friends, who is now a distinguished lawyer, told me that
during his studies at the university he had to learn all the theory behind every single
law, without paying attention to the application of the same laws in a real context.

In my opinion, the facts that we learn during our education must be related to their
practical application, because only the notions that we put into practice in our everyday
life become part of our most authentic knowledge and allow us to improve as
professionals.
So, the above essay is pretty well written, but:

Let's see how to turn a good essay into a better essay

STEP 1 - Structure and organization: To get a 7 or 8 for Coherence and Cohesion,
(organization), EACH PARAGRAPH NEEDS TO HAVE A MAIN IDEA.

In the essay above, the long paragraph has a main idea, but it is not easy to see.
There are two reasons for this:

the length
the lack of clear topic sentences.

Solution:

divide the paragraph into 2 smaller paragraphs

make sure that each paragraph has a TOPIC sentence

This version below addresses these issues:

According to some views from primary schools to universities, an excessive amount of

time is spent on learning facts and theory, while insufficient time is spent developing
practical skills. In this essay, i will explain why i completely agree with this statement.

First of all, practical skills are important for youngsters in primary or secondary
schools. Going back to primary school I remember that a considerable part of time was
dedicated to learning theoretical aspects of different topics such as History or
Geography. However, little or no time was spent on practical aspects like for example
how to use correctly a map. As a consequence, students were able to remember
political and historical aspects of a country, but they tend to get lost while walking in the
districts of a new city.

The ability to master a practical skill is even more crucial when considering
university studies. In the same way, I remember that going back to my academic
years as a medical student, I was faced with an enormous amount of theoretical
aspects concerning anatomy, physiology and pathology. However, the time spent next to
the patient was considerably less. As a result, I knew everything about the anatomy and
pathology of the knee, but when challenged by a patient with a knee problem i did not
know what to do. The same concept applies to all universities in my country. In other
words, I spoke about my experience as a medical student, nevertheless most of my
friends who followed different academic paths experienced the same problems i had.
For instance, one of my dearest friends, who is now a distinguished lawyer, told me that
during his studies at the university he had to learn all the theory behind every single law,
without paying attention to the application of the same laws in a real context.

In my opinion, the facts that we learn during our education must be related to their
practical application, because only the notions that we put into practice in our everyday
life become part of our most authentic knowledge and allow us to improve as
professionals.

Now, there are two body paragraphs each with a MAIN IDEA or focus.
STEP 2: - STYLE: Use an objective style. Notice that the writer, uses "I" a lot (see
above) and also uses a lot of personal examples. Although there is nothing wrong with
using personal examples, it is better to use a more objective approach because your
writing will seem more academic and professional. Below, you can see the second
paragraph done in a more objective manner. (I also added and deleted some of the
information in green to make in more coherent given the changes i made. I also kept
one of the personal examples).

The ability to master a practical skill is even more crucial when considering
university studies. Although medical students, for example, are taught an enormous
amount of theoretical aspects concerning anatomy, physiology and pathology, they do
not get much practical experience with actual patients. As a young doctor
myself, I knew everything about the anatomy and pathology of the knee from my
university course, but when challenged by a real patient with a knee problem, i did not
know what to do. The same concept applies to all universities and courses in my
country. Lawyers, for example, have to learn all the theory behind every single law, but
are not required to pay attention to the application of the same laws in a real
context. This could lead to misunderstandings and serious problems for the
lawyers' clients, such as financial losses or even wrongful incarceration. These
two examples make a strong argument that that lack of practical ability can
seriously hamper young professionals abilities to deal with real world problems
in a large spectrum of fields.
STEP 3: Organization: Note that I added a final sentence in BLUE to the last
paragraph. This adds a lot of coherence to the above paragraph by summing up the
main idea.

STEP 4: Content: Notice that I also added a sentence in ORANGE in which I explained
the RESULT of the lack of experience. This makes the argument more convincing and
more developed. This can help to raise the task achievement score from 7 to 8.

5) Notice how you can add some information to the conclusion (below) in order to
expand on your idea. I added a recommendation in PURPLE and an evaluation in
GREEN. This helps to make the essay more complete and again can add to the score
in task achievement.

In my opinion, the facts that we learn during our education must be related to their
practical application, because only the notions that we put into practice in our everyday
life become part of our most authentic knowledge and allow us to improve as
professionals. I would therefore recommend that institutions in all levels of
education place a higher priority on integrating practical skills into their
curricula. This would be beneficial not only to the students but to also to society
as a whole.
NEW VERSION
(note: there are still areas which could be improved in grammar or vocabulary)

According to some views from primary schools to universities, an excessive amount of

time is spent on learning facts and theory, while insufficient time is spent developing
practical skills. In this essay, i will explain why i completely agree with this statement.

First of all, practical skills are important for youngsters in primary or secondary
schools. Going back to primary school I remember that a considerable part of time was
dedicated to learning theoretical aspects of different topics such as History or
Geography. However, little or no time was spent on practical aspects like for example
how to use correctly a map. As a consequence, students are able to remember political
and historical aspects of a country, but they tend to get lost while walking in the districts
of a new city.

The ability to master a practical skill is even more crucial when considering
university studies. Although medical students, for example, are taught an enormous
amount of theoretical aspects concerning anatomy, physiology and pathology, they do
not get much practical experience with actual patients. As a young doctor
myself, I knew everything about the anatomy and pathology of the knee from my
university course, but when challenged by a real patient with a knee problem, i did not
know what to do. The same concept applies to all universities and courses in my
country. Lawyers, for example, have to learn all the theory behind every single law, but
are not required to pay attention to the application of the same laws in a real
context. This could lead to misunderstandings and serious problems for the
lawyers' clients, such as financial losses or even wrongful incarceration. These
two examples make a strong argument that that lack of practical ability can
seriously hamper young professionals abilities to deal with real world problems
in a large spectrum of fields.

In my opinion, the facts that we learn during our education must be related to their
practical application, because only the notions that we put into practice in our everyday
life become part of our most authentic knowledge and allow us to improve as
professionals. I would therefore recommend that institutions in all levels of
education place a higher priority on integrating practical skills into their
curricula. This would be beneficial not only to the students but to also to society
as a whole.