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Part 3: What I am reaching for

True openness is one of the most important intellectual and
moral accomplishments to which we can aspire.

Arthur Zajonc

What Am I Reaching For?

What am I reaching for?

Before I used to reach for goals
Expectations
Were they my expectations? Or someone elses?
When I reached my goals
The bar rose
And became higher than ever before to reach
Was I happy with this life?
Not really
The majority of the time it left me alone
Fulfilled that I had reached my goals
But with the strange feeling of emptiness
It didnt leave room for the things that really matter in life

Now I will try to reach for other things

Happiness
Love
Challenge
Tranquility
Peace
Truth
These are what matter to me now

I still set goals

I still need to be challenged
But deadlines do not consume me
As they once did before
Not achieving my goals is not the end of me
I have things that I am reaching for
And they will happen in time

Reaching

I am reaching for happiness and fulfillment in both my personal and professional life. I
love my job and the special needs students that I teach, but it is exhausting. On tough days, when
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my students are acting up, I question my ability to be an effective teacher and good listener.
Especially when having to dig into the complex emotional stuff that come up for them. These
days really get me down. Students need more than mindfulness at school. They need a greater
awareness of who their inner being is and start working with their strengths and emotions. A lot
of the time, due to technology, everything is handed to them without any hard work involved.
Students nowadays lack passion and curiosity. I want to help them bring that back. I want to
make learning meaningful again. With this said, it is also crucial to understand students
sensitivities and emotional strength before any internal work may be accomplished. David G.
Smith (1999, p. 79, as cited in Hasebe-Ludt et al., 2009, p. 204) writes that:
As a teacher it is impossible to reach and teach children effectively without knowing their stories,
just as it is impossible to be available to another persons story unless one undertakes in an
ongoing way the profoundly challenging, often fearsome task of deconstructing ones own.

Secondly, I want to create a stronger relationship with my family. I do not want to back
away from the challenges life throws at me. I want to have the courage to speak up and let them
know how I am feeling. How I am really doing. I do not want to just back away like I have done
in the past. Most importantly, I want to repair my relationship with my sister. There have been
years of let down, frustration and anger between us. Both of us have to take the leap, though. I
am not looking for a friendship just yet, but creating a relationship with no negativity.
I have been with my boyfriend, Phil, for nine years, and we have begun to start a life
together. We recently purchased our first condo in New Westminster. Our home is incomplete
and unfurnished, but we will slowly get there. Our whole relationship is based on doing things
slowly and it is completely fine. I know I want to get married and start a family. Feeling rooted is
important for me. My family was an important part of my growing up. I am rooted in them, even
though I try to run away when challenges arise.
To achieve all of these, I need to be open. I need to be open to not only good things in
life, but also the difficult and messy things to. Arthur Zajonc (2009) speaks to the importance of
openness through the journey on the contemplative path. He says, by incorporating a practice of
openness into our daily meditation we prepare both for an outer life of engaged interest and for
an inner life open to the unexpected and unfamiliar (p.84). Being radically open and radically
available to the unexpected and unfamiliar is really what it means to live.

I am from
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I am from the docks of the Fraser River

Muddy, murky, spotted with oil
The smell of old diesel fuel lingering in the air
Harbouring vintage wooden fish boats,
Fishing lines reaching into the sky as tall as mountains
Returning from summer in crystal blue water, needing care
Light breeze whistling through the leaves of the wavy birch trees
Grazing the murky shore of the river
Tide rises
Tide lowers
Water crashes gently onto the docks,
Inviting one into its peaceful embrace

I am from large family gatherings

Food filling the wide oak table at Grandmas place,
Fresh salmon
Sour pickled herring,
Creamy potato salad
Sweet, warm apple pie
Chatter and small talk,
Long lost relatives and friends
Loud voices
Overwhelming noise
No quiet in sight

I am from books
Endless hours in the library
Summer book clubs
Imagining, finding solitude
Entering into my bookworld,
My escape

I am from worry
Expectations
Fear of failure
Fear to make a mistake
Never resting until I reached that A
And the other A, and the one after that

I am from the kitchen

Waking to the smell of freshly baked cranberry scones
Or chocolate chip cookies
Finally tying on my own apron
Grandma teaching me to make my favourite dish
Then mom teaching me to make it better
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I am from fistfights with my sister

Wrestling matches while washing dishes
Some good times, but mostly remember the bad
Wondering if we will ever get along?

I am from fish tacos and good sangria

Summer days at White Rock Beach
Early spring mornings on the boat
Heading to catch some prawns
Hot yoga classes and bicycle rides
Meet ups with friends
Date nights with Phil

I am from years of putting up a faade

Being fine, just fine
I hate that I hide my weakness
Pretending everything is okay
I hate that I am scared of being sad
Fearful of showing vulnerability
I hate that I back away when my family needs me the most

I now realize when life is sad and messy

I need to get back to the people
Who I come from

Conclusion

In Look to the Mountain, Gregory Cajete describes the Mayan practice of building new
pyramids overtop older pyramids as a metaphor for Indigenous education (p. 28). This could also
be a metaphor for my life as well. He writes, the newest reality may seem different from earlier
ones, but its essence and foundation remain tied to the earlier realities it encases (p.28). The
older I get, and the more I try to change myself, it becomes clearer to me that I am deeply rooted
in certain things. Things that will always be a part of me will be the eagerness to learn through
books; overwhelming family gatherings; experimenting in the kitchen; and my familys love.
Additionally, the more I grow, the more I realize that I need to come back to the things I love the
most, back to my roots. For they make me who I am.
Writing this mtissage put me outside of my comfort zone. It tested me and brought me
to tears a few times. Things came up for me that I did not realize were bothering me, which I did
not realize I was hiding.
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Three themes reoccurred throughout this piece: my relationship with family, my

relationship with writing and my relationship with food, cooking and baking. Over the past
several years, I have run away from the challenges that have come up in my family. I have
always thought that if I pretend something didnt happen, everything would just keep on keeping
on. No emotions need to be involved. However, this is not a sustainable way to live, and if I do
not work on this soon, I am going to emotionally breakdown. I realize now that grieving is okay,
that crying is okay, that showing vulnerability is okay. In fact, it is healthy to do these things.
Secondly, I need to keep on writing and sharing it. It is the only way I will ever gain
confidence in my work. Cajete states language is an expression of the spirit because it contains
the power to move people and to express human thought and feeling (p. 42). It will only
become more powerful when shared.
Finally, food pops up in many of my writings. Food is what I remember most about
family growing up; it is an important part of who we are and how we socialize with each other.
As I reflected upon my life for this literary mtissage, it amazed me on how similar life is
to baking. So I wrote one final poem:

Baking

Baking is a lot like life

There are a bunch of recipes to choose from, like there are pathways
A lot of stuff goes in to making the final product, just like how a lot goes in to where you want to
get to in life
Sometimes you need to buy it, sometimes not
Ingredients
Measuring tools
An oven

You can bake something sweet

Something savoury
You can measure those ingredients to perfection
Sometimes it comes out right
But, more often than not it comes out a surprise
Maybe its awful and you have to start again
Re-measure those ingredients
Or pick a totally different recipe with brand new ingredients
You get this choice
Much like life

Baking can bring a lot of joy if you let it

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Especially if its cinnamon buns

Baking can be a lot of fun

Recipes can be played with and changed to how you want it
Nothing is set in stone; you just have to find the right balance of ingredients
And knead them together
Like life

Baking is also messy

Dont let anyone tell you otherwise it is messy and its totally fine
Life is also messy
The thing about baking is that it can be cleaned up
With a little determination, sometimes a whole lot of soaking and soap
Much like life
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References

Cajete, G. (1994). Look to the mountain. Durango, Colorado: Kivaki Press Inc.

Hasebe-Ludt, E., Chambers, C., & Leggo, C. (2009). Life writing and literary mtissage as an

ethos for our times. New York: Peter Lang Publishing, Inc.

Zajonc, A. (2009). Meditation as contemplative inquiry. Great Barrington, Massachusetts:

Lindisfarne Books.