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The Wangs - S3E10 - Crash
The Wangs - S3E10 - Crash
S3E10
"Crash"
9/22/2016
Chang, Mindy, Emily, and Craig hold a funeral for Harry Wang after
he drives the family car straight into a lake.
EXT. 90 KERRY CRES - NIGHT
NICKY
Harry, my love, are you awake?
HARRY
Who, who the hell are you?
NICKY
Why, Im the woman of your dreams.
HARRY
Oh, really now?
NICKY
I bring gifts: Chocolate cake, and
video games. Or how about sex, if
you know what I mean?
Nicky winks.
HARRY
My mom says I play too much video
games. So, cake please!
Nicky gives Harry the cake. Using just his hands he begins
eating it.
HARRY (CONTD)
(disinterested)
You can go now. I dont need you
anymore. I have cake.
NICKY
But --
2.
HARRY
BEGONE, WENCH! I will call you back
when I need more things to put down
my gullet!
NICKY
Oh, okay then...
HARRY
Mmmmm, so good. This is definitely
NOT a gluten-free cake.
The very next moment a RAPTOR, with a monocle and top hat,
hops onto the end of Harrys bed, and looks down at him.
Harry stops eating his cake, and tilts his head back.
RAPTOR
I do declare! Someone is getting a
tad pudgy!
HARRY
I dont care about your opinion,
you metro sexual raptor!
RAPTOR
Thems is fighting words!
The Raptor hisses, and jumps onto Harry, and clamps its jaws
around his head.
HARRY
(screaming)
Aghhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
We return to reality.
HARRY
Whoa. What a weird dream. I would
never refuse video games.
3.
CHANG, EMILY, and CRAIG are all sitting down in the living
room.
HARRY comes down the stairs, and goes over to Chang, who
seems lost in what he is watching on TV.
HARRY
Dad?
CHANG
Harry...
HARRY
Can you take me to the store? I
wanna buy some cake.
CHANG
Sorry. I cant. Im in the middle
of this TV show. Were going to
find out who the murderer is. I
suspect its Professor Plum with
the candlestick.
HARRY
But how will I get cake?
CHANG
I dunno. Positive thinking?
HARRY
Positive thinking is bullshit.
Chang sighs. He goes into his pocket, and fishes out some
keys. He tosses them to Harry, who catches them in his hand.
CHANG
Youre old enough to drive, right?
HARRY
No.
CHANG
Well, theres a first time for
everything. Go to the store
yourself, and dont kill anyone.
Okay?
HARRY
Ill try my best.
4.
HARRY
Alright, this shouldnt be too
hard. Its, its just like Grand
Theft Auto, except Im not going to
murder any prostitutes. Hopefully.
Harry puts the car keys into the ignition switch, and starts
up the car. He slowly begins reversing on the driveway.
HARRY (CONTD)
Aaah, fuck...
But soon Harry successfully gets his car onto the street, and
takes off with no more problems -- for now.
HARRY
Cmon, whats taking so long? Ergh,
I hate being stuck in traffic. Or
wait a minute. Maybe Im not stuck
in traffic... MAYBE I AM TRAFFIC? I
am the law! No... I am traffic!
(nods)
Well, Im not going to let this
situation define me. I am better
than this.
Harry drives forward, and easily goes over, and past a bunch
of other cars on the road.
HARRY (CONTD)
Ha-ha! So long, suckers!
5.
HARRY (CONTD)
Oops, sorry! My mistake! Have your
people call my people! Just
kidding. I dont have people.
HARRY
Oh, boy. I think Im lost... HARRY,
just stay calm. Stay calm, and use
the force. It will guide you,
telling you where to go.
HARRY (CONTD)
Yes, I can feel the force coursing
through my body.
He drives his car off the road, and goes down a slope where
below is a lake.
Harrys car drops into the lake, and sinks down into the
water.
UNDER WATER
HARRY
Oh no, oh no, what do I do?!?
HARRY (CONTD)
I know. Ill call my Irish friend
Shannon. Shes quite the egg-head.
SHANNON
(on phone)
Hallo?
HARRY
(phone)
Shannon, what do you do if your car
is sinking under water?
SHANNON
(phone)
Before I answer your question, I
need to know if you support
repealing the eighth.
HARRY
(phone)
FUCK YOU, SHANNON! BABIES ARE
PEOPLE!
HARRY (CONTD)
I think Ill call 9-11 instead.
HARRY (CONTD)
(phone)
Hello, 9-1-1? Im in a bit of a
pickle.
(listening)
What do you mean youre going on
your lunch break?
As Harry is in disbelief a jet of water from a crack in his
car starts spraying in his face, going up his nostrils, and
in his mouth. He puts his hands out, and flails as if trying
to fight it.
HARRY (CONTD)
Eaaaghhhhhhh!
He answers the door, and sees police officers PLUNK and DUNK.
CHANG
Hi...?
PLUNK
Mr Chang Wang...
CHANG
Did you find my son?
DUNK
Sort of.
CHANG
Sort of? What does that mean?
PLUNK
We found...his body.
Chang collapses onto his knees, and in grief covers his face.
CHANG
Oh, my God... Harry! HARRY!
DUNK
There, there.
MINDY
Poor Harry. He never even got a
chance to experience a full life.
CRAIG
But he looks so peaceful.
EMILY
I know I used to be hard on him,
but now I can see I was wrong. Its
true. He does actually have big
bones.
8.
CHANG
Good night, sweet prince!
CRAIG
Chang...?
CHANG
Yes?
CRAIG
You know its creepy for an older
white man to be hanging out in a
childrens playground at night,
right?
CHANG
Im not white.
CRAIG
Oh, yeah.
CHANG
What do you want, Craig?
CRAIG
I know youre sad. So, I thought
Id surprise you with something.
CHANG
Not to be rude, but I really dont
want anything right now.
CRAIG
(looks back to Chang)
Please?
CHANG
I said no, Craig. No means no.
Craig rolls his eyes, and then puts his fingers up to his
mouth, and whistles.
Craig, and Chang look up, Chang being the one with the far
more confused, and terrified appearance on his face.
CRAIG
Were visiting my home planet!
Remember how Im actually an alien?
CHANG
You what now?
CRAIG
Close your eyes, or youll
permanently go blind!
The spaceship then shoots off into the sky, and disappears,
leaving behind a rainbow in its trail.
CRAIG
Wheeeeeeeeeee!
The two get to level ground, and stand up right away to meet
three robots standing in their way:
CRAIG (CONTD)
(surprised to see them)
Dr Elephant... General Nutz, and
President Mayhew! What are you two
crazy cats doing here?
DR ELEPHANT
They are taking a tour of my lab.
GENERAL NUTZ
Theres some good stuff here. Could
be used for purposes of war.
PRESIDENT MAYHEW
Or self-pleasure.
DR ELEPHANT
Uh... Maybe.
(to Nutz, Mayhew)
You two gentlemen have a look
around. I need to speak to my other
guests in private.
DR ELEPHANT (CONTD)
(to Craig, Chang)
Come along, if you please.
DR ELEPHANT
Craig, to be honest, I didnt
really want to do this, but since
you saved me from those munchers
that time, I owe you one.
CRAIG
Munchers are very dangerous.
DR ELEPHANT
And now, for the piece de
resistance! My personal magnum
opus!
CHANG
Is that...?
DR ELEPHANT
Yes, a robotic duplicate of your
son.
CRAIG
Hes not exactly like Harry, but he
might help you in your grieving.
CRAIG (CONTD)
Awww, Chang... Cmon, stop being
such a pussy.
CHANG
Robo Harry. What are you reading?
ROBO HARRY
Huckleberry Finn. The version I
have is a misprint.
CHANG
Ah, good, ol, racist Huck Finn.
That used to be my son...my real
sons favorite book.
ROBO HARRY
I am your real son.
CHANG
No, I mean, my human son. The one
who doesnt have an Intel inside.
ROBO HARRY
You dont love me -- because Im
different.
CHANG
Humans arent like robots. They
cant be replaced. Each one is
unique.
ROBO HARRY
(lifts head)
What about twins?
CHANG
Yes, including twins.
ROBO HARRY
Oh. How strange. That seems very
contrary to your statement.
13.
CHANG
Anyway, uh, Harry, I mean, Robo
Harry, didnt you mention something
about wanting to visit Disney Land?
ROBO HARRY
Oh, boy! Disney Land! The happiest
place on Earth! Are you going to
take me there today?
CHANG
Thats the plan. So, pack your
shit, were going to see Mickey
Mouse.
ROBO HARRY
Yay!
Robo Harry claps, but Chang has an uneasy look on his face
like hes just told a bold-faced lie.
Chang, and Robo Harry are driving through a quiet road that
is surrounded by trees.
ROBO HARRY
Are we there yet?
CHANG
Almost.
Chang slows down, and stops his car.
CHANG (CONTD)
Alright, here we are. You can get
out now.
ROBO HARRY
This doesnt look like Disney Land.
CHANG
Were going to walk the rest of the
way because of the expensive
parking.
ROBO HARRY
Oh, okay.
14.
So, Robo Harry gets out of the car -- and then Chang
immediately begins driving off. Because of the wind the car
door closes on its own.
MINDY
Chang, why did you get rid of Robo
Harry?
EMILY
Yeah, I kinda liked him, even
though I tried to kill him with a
paradox.
CHANG
You guys he was just a robot.
Chang sighs.
MINDY
I know. Without Harry everything
feels off. Were like a cake
without icing.
CRAIG
Thats just sponge cake.
15.
MINDY
I dont like sponge cake.
EMILY
Yeah, fuck sponge cake! Fuck it in
its stupid spongey ass!
MINDY
Alright, easy now, Emily. Swearing
doesnt --
MINDY (CONTD)
What is that thing?
CRAIG
Surely we can find out, if we stand
around, and stare like idiots.
CHANG
Hey, that guy looks kinda familiar.
PRESIDENT MAYHEW
Greetings, citizens of Earth. I am
President Mayhew, the leader of
another world called Planet Tobor.
As alien visitors we come to you in
peace, to exchange ideas,
information, culture, and --
16.
GENERAL NUTZ
Your planet is ours, flesh bags! We
are going to crush you all into a
fine, powdery dust!
PRESIDENT MAYHEW
(whispering to Nutz)
What are you doing? Youre ruining
my presentation. Im trying to lull
these fools into a false sense of
security.
GENERAL NUTZ
(whispering back)
Oh, was that the plan? Aw, fff --
MINDY
Whoa. That was kinda weird.
EMILY
Whoa. What the hell?
CRAIG (O.S.)
Run you, doggone fools!
Chang, Mindy, and Emily turn their heads, and see Craig
running in the opposite direction.
The next moment, the TRIPOD TANK releases what looks like a
laser beam, and shoots a guy eating a burrito.
MINDY
Quick! To the manhole cover!
EMILY
I cant take this anymore. It
smells like shit in here. Lets go
back outside for some fresh air.
CHANG
No. Its too dangerous.
MINDY
You know what annoys me about this
whole situation? That tripod
monster thingy was just laying
dormant underground this whole
time. Youd think with all the
sewers, and cables being laid
underground, and geological
exploration, someone wouldve found
it.
DAWNATELLO (O.S.)
Youre right. Its absolutely
nonsensical.
The Wangs look, and see a creature that looks half human/half
turtle. He is holding a stick as a weapon, and has on a
purple strip of fabric around his head as a mask.
18.
CRAIG
Who the hell are you?
DAWNATELLO
Just a super hero, wondering what
you dudes, and dudettes are doing
in my home.
MINDY
Theres a big monster outside,
killing everyone.
DAWNATELLO
Ill take care of this.
CHANG
Wait! Come back, you idiot! You
only have a stick to defend
yourself!
DAWNATELLO
Cowabunga, dude!
CRAIG
Hey! Lookit me! Im a ninja turtle!
We PULL BACK, and see that the scene from just earlier is
actually a video clip, from NVC WORLDNEWS, being displayed on
a SMALL TV.
CHANG
Whoa. The 3D on this TV is
spectacular. I have no idea why 3D
isnt more popular.
CHANG (CONTD)
Hey! I was watching that.
MINDY
Chang, I dont want you taking joy
in the destruction of humanity. OK?
EMILY
IM BORED. How much longer do we
have stay in this stinky attic?
CHANG
Its not usually stinky. I just
farted. It was silent. A silent,
sneaky, ninja fart.
Two robots from Planet Tobor are at the front door of the
Wang household.
They are answered by Craig, who looks out with a big, fake
grin.
CRAIG
Hello, there, robot overlords! How
do you do this fine, summer night?
NAZIBOT 1
A nosy neighbor has informed us
that you are harboring humans in
your house, and that you stole a
military vehicle. Also, he said you
should stop playing your music so
goddamn loud, because your taste in
music sucks.
CRAIG
(points)
HIS TASTE IN MUSIC SUCKS! He likes
Katy Perry! We all know shes only
popular because she has big, milky
boobs.
NAZIBOT 2
Either way, we need to take a look
around inside.
CRAIG
Okay, but youre not going to find
anything.
CRAIG
This isnt what it looks like. Its
just a, uh, movie replica from,
uhhh, Lootcrate.
NAZIBOT 1
Okay, maybe, MAYBE that is a movie
replica, but something about your
behavior is rather fishy.
NAZIBOT 2
Why would a robot need potato
chips? You cant eat these.
CRAIG
I am...an Irish robot! Made in
Ireland, I was! Potatoes is what I
craves!
CRAIG (CONTD)
Hey, whatre you doing?
NAZIBOT 1
Ah-ha! Made in Taiwan! You lying
son of a bitch!
NAZIBOT 1
Yah, theyre probably in the attic.
Thats the first place humans go
when they hide.
NAZIBOT 2
Or the basement.
Craig seems jittery, and nervous. He is wringing his hands.
CRAIG
You, you two are being silly.
Youre not going to find anything
in the attic. All I got up there
is, um, pictures of, uhh -- Barack
Obamas anus! I dont recommend
looking at them because they are
pretty shocking.
NAZIBOT 1
No worries. I have a strong
stomach.
NAZIBOT 2
You dont have a stomach.
22.
NAZIBOT 1
Shut up, Billy!
Nazibot 1 then extends his arm like a long snake, and pops
his hand through the attic door.
And then Nazibot 1s hand finds its way to his face, being
only inches away, like a cobra about to spring on its prey.
CHANG
Whew!
Mindy, and Emily jump, and try to grab Chang, but just miss.
CHANG (CONTD)
Aaaaaaagh!
Chang is pulled out through the attics opening.
Chang is being held in the air only by the top of his head.
Naturally, he appears scared, and confused.
NAZIBOT 1
Well, well, well, lookit what we
have here!
NAZIBOT 2
A human!
Craig cups his hands around his mouth, and yells to Chang.
23.
CRAIG
Run, Chang! Run!
Chang tries running, and pumps his arms, and legs -- for a
much longer time than he should. He keeps going, whilst
heavily grunting, sweating.
PRESIDENT MAYHEW
Humans, and robot traitor! Do you
have any last words to speak of?
CHANG
Yeah, I do. FUCK YOU!
PRESIDENT MAYHEW
Then commence the burning.
Nazibot 1 is about to lay down his torch on the kindling, but
ROBO HARRY appears, and jumps in front of the crowd, putting
out his arms.
ROBO HARRY
Wait!
CHANG
Robo Harry?
ROBO HARRY
I know you all hate humans, because
theyre different from us, but are
they so awful that they deserve to
be burned alive? Sure, humans do
bad things.
(MORE)
24.
ROBO HARRY (CONT'D)
They kill animals, they kill unborn
babies, they kill regular babies,
they rape women, and men, and
theyre extremely deceitful, and
generally make the world an uglier
place to live in... and one of them
invented pop-up ads, BUT...
(unsure what to say next)
Uhh... Uhhhh...
PRESIDENT MAYHEW
So, what exactly do you want us to
do here?
ROBO HARRY
Do the right thing! Spare their
lives, and let them go!
GENERAL NUTZ
Okay, scumbag! We will free them.
ROBO HARRY
Really?
GENERAL NUTZ
But if you want us to do this, you
must do us a little favor first.
ROBO HARRY
Anything.
PRESIDENT MAYHEW
Let us kill you.
ROBO HARRY
Huh?
25.
PRESIDENT MAYHEW
This human burning was tonights
entertainment. So, since we dont
have that, you will have to step up
to the plate, and replace them.
ROBO HARRY
Fine. Ill do it. Just hurry up.
The Wangs are shocked seeing Robo Harry totally freezes over
into a statue of ice, like he was touched by Sub Zero.
CHANG
HAAARRY!
A ROBOT SECURITY GUARD, who has duct tape over his mouth, is
tied up to a chair.
As Craig looks over his shoulder, Chang takes out a CD, and
inserts it into a slot.
CRAIG
Hurry!
CRAIG (CONTD)
Come on, progress bar!
Chang, and Craig look to the door, and then back to the
computer screen.
CHANG
(to progress bar)
Hurry up, you piece of crap!
The ROBOT SECURITY GUARD, whos tied up, shifts his eyes to
the sound of President Mayhew, and tries saying something,
but his words are just muffled.
ROBOT SECURITY GUARD
(muffled)
Help me! HELP MEEEEE!
CRAIG
Will you shut up back there?!
And the next moment the door to the control room is kicked
down by General Nutz, who is with President Mayhew.
General Nutz has his hands on his hips, and a cigar in his
mouth. He glares at Chang, and Craig.
27.
GENERAL NUTZ
What is the meaning of this?
CRAIG
(to Chang)
Bail!
Continuing on, Chang, and Craig run out of the control room,
and into the exit tunnel.
They hastily hop into an ALIEN FIGHTER PLANE, and take off.
CRAIG
Hurry up, Chang! Go! Go! Go!
CHANG
Damn it! Im trying! I dont know
how to fly this thing! I can barely
drive a car!
Right after Chang says those words, a burst of laser shots
whiz past the Alien Fighter Plane, narrowly missing it.
Craig, and Chang look at the radar screen, and see two dots
following them.
The Alien Fighter Plane sways left, and right, dodging the
attacks.
28.
PRESIDENT MAYHEW
(to General Nutz)
You bum! You totally missed!
Whered you learn to shoot?
Canada?!
GENERAL NUTZ
Shut your mouth, President Mayhew!
Im working on it!
The chase between the Alien Fighter Plane, and the Flying
Motorcycle continues.
General Nutz shoots at Chang, and Craig one more time. The
laser beams that come out from the Flying Motorcycle hit the
Alien Fighter Plane in the back.
Chang, and Craig feel the brunt of the attack, and bump
forward.
CHANG
Oh, crap!
CRAIG
Oh, shit!
General Nutz shoots again, and this time clips the wing of
the Alien Fighter Plane.
Then we see the doors to exit the Mother Ship are about to
close shut.
But it doesnt. The door close in time, and they crash into
it.
CHANG
Aw, son of a bitch. I totally
thought that would work.
In the middle, tied up, are Chang, and Craig stood next to
each other on a circular platform.
MINDY
Chang! I love you!
CHANG
I know.
EMILY
Shouldnt you say: I love you too
in return? What you said thats
kinda shitty.
CHANG
Its a movie reference. Youre too
young to understand. And, yes,
Mindy, I love you too.
PRESIDENT MAYHEW
Begin the freezing!
CHANG
Ill be back!
Chang, and Craig are then dipped into carbonite, and return
up in a frozen, preserved state. We see that theyve somehow
managed to stick up all their middle fingers as a final fuck
you.
PRESIDENT MAYHEW
Stop laughing! Middle fingers
arent funny! Theyre immature!
Emily goes up the steps, and approaches him. The robed man
turns around revealing himself as GEORGE LUKAS.
GEORGE LUKAS
Good evening.
EMILY
Wait a minute, are you -- ?
GEORGE LUKAS
In the flesh. Oh, and by the way,
youre being sued.
EMILY
For what?
GEORGE LUKAS
Todays adventure has been far too
derivative. Its outright
plagiarism.
EMILY
Says you.
GEORGE LUKAS
Still suing.
EMILY
You cant sue if youre dead.
GEORGE LUKAS
Im not dea --
Emily then turns around, and takes out the hilt of a light
sword. She activates it, and makes a blade come out, and she
does a rolling jump towards the screen, and cuts it in two.
The two pieces of the screen flow away, revealing the words:
TO BE CONTINUED.
CREDITS.