SQU@D

Pilot ("SWEAR 2 SQUAD")

written by

Theo Bark

Los Angeles
917.494.5303
its@veryre.al
INT. UBER (LAUREL CANYON) - NIGHT
TRISTAN, a young kid in a multi-colored outfit, sits poised
to hop out the Uber and dive into the night.

The DRIVER, an older white woman, appears to be a little too

concerned about leaving him on this pitch black street.
DRIVER
That was some drive. You sure this
is the right place?

Tristan talks shyly, avoids eye contact and stays in his

phone. He clocks the scene: a quiet-looking driveway in
Laurel Canyon. Just then a group of PARTY GIRLS pass by in
heels.
PARTY GIRL
I was gonna invite him? But I don't
think they're even letting guys in.
OTHER PARTY GIRL
Good. Fuck 'em.
That's all Tristan needs to hear.
TRISTAN
Definitely the right place. Thanks.
PARTY GIRL (O.C.)
I heard the second floor's like The
Weeknd's orgy floor.
DRIVER
(finishing ride on app)
Have fun tonight!
Tristan walk-runs to the house, as the girls disappear
inside.
Next to the door stands MURDA, a husky white dude in camo and
grillz, casually Snapchatting himself pouring up lean.

MURDA
(Snapping)
I SWEAR TO SQUAD!!!!
Tristan tries to walk in. A giant BOUNCER blocks him.
MURDA (CONTD)
Aye, you can't just walk in like
that, G.

The Bouncer looks at Tristan like he's never seen one before.
 2.

TRISTAN
(to Murda)
Sorry. Quincy told me to come thru.
Is there a list?

MURDA
(full body shrug)
Aowno. I'm not The Guy. Talk to The
Guy.
TRISTAN
(to Bouncer)
Are you the guy?
The Bouncer shakes his head.

MURDA
(posting his Snap)
That guy doesn't talk.
TRISTAN
(to Bouncer)
Do you talk?
BOUNCER
You don't want me to talk.
TRISTAN
Can I go in?
BOUNCER
You gotta talk to The Guy.
Two GIRLS approach. The Bouncer lets them in without a word.
TRISTAN
You sure you're not the guy? Cause
you look like the guy.
BOUNCER
(to Murda)
What's wrong with this kid?
MURDA
(finishing his Snap post)
Stupid, yo.
Three USC GIRLS walk up. Tristan's in his phone, pretending
he's not standing outside a party, unable to get in.
USC GIRL
Hey, we're with...
 3.

BOUNCER
(stepping aside)
You're good.
Tristan looks up from his phone. Murda sips lean.
TRISTAN
You're definitely the guy.
BOUNCER
The Guy's inside.
TRISTAN
Can I talk to him?
BOUNCER
No you cannot.
TRISTAN
Can you get him?
BOUNCER
Same answer.
TRISTAN
What does the guy look like?
The Bouncer crosses his arms - he's done talking.
MURDA
You'll know 'em. The Guy wears
scrunchies. Mad scrunchies.
TRISTAN
Sounds like a tight guy.
MURDA
(shaking his head)
You stupid.
A LOST GIRL walks up, looking lost.
LOST GIRL
Is uh... Is Marshmello here?
BOUNCER
This is a private event. Who you
here with?
LOST GIRL
Marshmello?
The Bouncer smiles and steps aside.
 4.

BOUNCER
Enjoy the party.
GIRL
You too! I mean...
TRISTAN
Aye, grab the guy for me?
GIRL
Haha what?
The Bouncer pushes her into the party. She disappears.
TRISTAN
Nothing.

Tristan breaks out a string cheese and starts eating it.

TRISTAN (CONTD)
You work here?
MURDA
(sipping)
I don't work. I got that work, tho!
TRISTAN
What do you do?
MURDA
Trap.
TRISTAN
You sell drugs.
MURDA
Damn, say it louder.

TRISTAN
Sorry.
(whispering)
You sell drugs?
MURDA
Trap everything. Last week I
trapped a house!
TRISTAN
Oh.
MURDA
I'm just waiting on wristbands G,
which ones you need?
 5.

TRISTAN
We need more than one wristband?
MURDA
Where the fuck you from bruh? You
just got off a plane or some shit?
TRISTAN
Yeah.
MURDA
No one told you to bring
wristbands?
Just then JJ, a young black kid with bleached dreads rolls
up, gives Murda a hug and slyly hands off a plastic bag.
MURDA (CONTD)
Ayye. Bout damn time. Let's get it.
JJ
My bad, there's no service here.
(to Tristan)
I'm JJ, by the way. I like your
scarf.
MURDA
This my nigga...
TRISTAN
Tristan.
MURDA
My nigga Tristan. Fresh out the
Uber.

JJ
Tight. What's good tonight?
TRISTAN
Quincy told me to come thru, but
now there's no reception.
JJ
Clincy? Word, iono that nigga...
TRISTAN
Quincy. We're from the same place.
JJ
Damn, iono. Sorry. Do you have any
more string cheeses?
 6.

Two ART GIRLS show up. One of them, LIV FREE, gives Tristan a
long look.
LIV FREE
Hey you. Are you coming in?
Tristan stares. The Bouncer steps aside. Liv holds the look
as she continues into the party. Tristan picks up the cue too
late. He tries to follow them in, but the Bouncer blocks him.
BOUNCER
Bro. What are you doing?
TRISTAN
Walking into this house party with
my friends?
BOUNCER
This party's for bad bitches only.
I need you to step off my porch.

TRISTAN
I'm a bitch.
BOUNCER
But you the wrong kind of bitch.
Tristan walks back to JJ and Murda, shaking his head.
JJ
Don't worry, my boi. We just needa
trap these bands and we good.
TRISTAN
I'm going home.
JJ
Don't say that papi! This nigga
Murda got us! Last week he trapped
a house.
TRISTAN
I still don't know what that means.

JJ
The nigga trapped a house!
MURDA
I sold a house to some Japanese
niggas.
 7.

JJ
The homey's like a dancer or some
shit, but he has too many Instagram
followers to live in Japan so...
A young white kid with a VHS camera pulls up, looking like a
Star Trek cast member from the planet thrift store.

JJ (CONTD)
(giving white kid dap)
Whatup papi. This's - what's your
name again bae?
TRISTAN
Tristan.
JJ
Tristan, this's my videographer
Cracker Chris.
(to Bouncer)
This guy has to be inside papo.
BOUNCER
Unfortunately we're not
accommodating men right now.
JJ
Cracker Chris films all my parties.
He just shot the new Drake thing or
whatever.
BOUNCER
What'd I just say?
JJ
Yo he shoots film or whatever you
call it, VHS!
(off Bouncer's look)
Aight, aight. Gimme a sec I'll text
The Guy.
TRISTAN
Text him for me too?
JJ
Bet.
TRISTAN
(to Cracker Chris)
You make music videos?
CRACKER CHRIS
Yeah.
 8.

TRISTAN
That's tight. How did you start?
CRACKER CHRIS
I was sleeping in my car, and I
found this camera on eBay. Now I'm
a videographer, I guess.
MURDA
Videographer? My nigga, you shoot
porn.
TRISTAN
Even tighter.
CRACKER CHRIS
That's just my day job. Don't tell
anyone tho, I don't really want
that out there.
TRISTAN
I want to shoot a video in a
stretch hummer on the 10 freeway.
The kind with the hot tub though,
Like parked in traffic...
JJ
That's fire.
MURDA
U brazy for that one.
JJ
Y'all should exchange numbers! Why
not, right?
CRACKER CHRIS
I'm down. What do you like... do?

TRISTAN
Rap. Art. Act. I do everything I
guess.
CRACKER CHRIS
Same.
JJ
I'm a need points on the back end,
tho! You think I'm joking but I'm
actually serious as shit.
 9.

The GUY finally appears, wearing like 15 scrunchies in a

side-pony, a giant basketball jersey as a dress and big
grandma glasses. Picture the Larry Johnson Grandma character
x Bob Ross.
THE GUY
JJ, whatup my guy? Whatup Murda?
JJ
The Guy, you know Cracker Chris
right? He needs to be inside. He's
got that VHS, you feel me.
THE GUY
My guys! What you doing out here?
(whispering)
I'm out of bands, so we're gonna
have to hustle...
He sneaks Cracker Chris a band.
THE GUY (CONTD)
(to Bouncer)
This the plug right here, these
guys are good!
BOUNCER
Charlie said no more men.
THE GUY
They're not... men -- they're with
me, The Guy.
BOUNCER
These two gotta go. Especially that
one...
(points at Tristan)
Tried to come in with some bitches.
THE GUY
Who, Tristan? Tristan's gender
fluid my dude! Don't be that guy.
He both is, and is not, one of the
bitches, u dig?
BOUNCER
Either way. Show me a text from
Charlie or get these guys the fuck
off my porch.
THE GUY
My guy...
Three LADIES OF THE AFTERS walk up.
 10.

THE GUY (CONTD)

Wassup mama. Oh shit. Let me lace
you.

The Guy pulls a handful of multicolored bands from his pocket

and begins handing them out.

LADIES OF THE AFTERS

(in unison)
Thanks The Guy!
THE GUY
(slapping bands on)
So the gold one gets you in...

LADY AFTERS
Thank you!

THE GUY
And the silver one is for
backstage... The metal one gets you
bathroom access....
LADY AFTERS
Oh shit. Gonna need that.
THE GUY
Literally, maybe. So the red gives
you living room access. Green's for
the kitchen. This one here lets you
use the sink. That one, I don't
know what color that is tbh.

JJ
Ma, you iced out right now.
MURDA
Arm look like a damn Life Savers.
THE GUY
OK brb.

The Guy waltzes the girls in.

CRACKER CHRIS
Aye, I'm a photographer? I need to
be in there.

BOUNCER
You need a photo pass, then.
CRACKER CHRIS
I need a photo pass for the house?
 11.

BOUNCER
You heard me.
CRACKER CHRIS
(holding out his wrist)
All I got is this...
The wristband shines a blinding light.
BOUNCER
You got the universal access band?

CRACKER CHRIS
Yup.
BOUNCER
Shoulda showed me that in the first
place. Go on in.

TRISTAN
Can I go?
BOUNCER
You can go home.
CRACKER CHRIS
(to Tristan)
Aye, hit me up, let's shoot that
freeway hot tub video.
BOUNCER
(shoving Cracker Chris in)
Enough networking. I'll show you
were you can stand and film.
TRISTAN
I just texted...
(he's gone)
...you, but there's no service.
JJ
Damn Tris, why's this bouncer nigga
acting like you fucked his bitch.
TRISTAN
I probly did.
Murda breaks out the bag of wristbands JJ brought and begins
pulling out various colors.
MURDA
He said "sink access" bruh.
 12.

JJ
Yo, we should charge double for the
bathroom one. Bathroom's like the
new backstage, I guess.

MURDA
You saw what the universal access
band look like?
JJ
That was real? I thought he was
fucking with us.
The Bouncer returns, catching them deep in their bag of
bootleg bands.

BOUNCER
Y'all don't give up.
JJ
(showing his wrist)
Nah. We working this party papa. We
gotta be in there.
BOUNCER
Only people working this party is
cleaning staff and security.

JJ
We got this one though. What about
this one?
He indicates an old LIVE STRONG bracelet and a Coachella
artist pass, still on his other wrist.
BOUNCER
That means you can come back
tomorrow and clean.
TRISTAN
There's a tomorrow?
MURDA
I hope not.

JJ
That's dark.
BOUNCER
Bro, why are you still here?
 13.

MURDA
The Guy had a damn anxiety attack
and gave me all his bands. My eBay
game bout to go bonanza.
JJ
Swag.

BOUNCER
(considering)
Don't do it. I'll fuck you up.
MURDA
Ain't nobody tryna eBay bands for
this shit my nigga, stop it.
JJ and Murda begin to drift down the driveway, still going
through the bag of bands.
BOUNCER
Don't let me catch you back here.
MURDA
(turning)
Aye, you really believe I was gonna
eBay them bands though?
BOUNCER
Believe anything once.

Tristan lingers.
TRISTAN
Can I go in now?
BOUNCER
Still no.
Out of the night, XANNY BOI, a Mexican kid in a dashiki
glides up to JJ and Murda.
JJ
Ayyye whatup Xanny Boi?
XANNY BOI
Hi bae.
MURDA
(lifting him up)
I SWEAR TO SQUAD!
 14.

XANNY BOI
(yelling to Bouncer)
Let me in the party! I'm
Marshmello, I need to be in there!
MURDA
(dying laughing)
The fuck you not! Marshmello's not
Mexican, fool.
Xanny Boi wraps himself up in Murda, hiding from the Bouncer.
XANNY BOI
Why you dry snitching tho? How you
know he's not Mexican...

MURDA
Cuz Marshmello's inside my G.
Shit's weak anyway...
XANNY BOI
Damn. What you 'bout to get into?
MURDA
Waiting for Uber. I got them bands
for the low though...
XANNY BOI
The low's too high.
MURDA
Fuck it. Get me later then.
Murda peels off a handful of wristbands. Xanny Boi looks
confused. Murda gives him a friendly shove towards the party.
MURDA (CONTD)
Aye, the party's that way.

XANNY BOI
Thanks bae.
He runs the wrong way anyway.
Tristan begins drifting down the driveway. Just then his
friend QUINCY pops out to grab him. Quincy wears short green
hair, a Dickey's space suit and big glasses.
QUINCY
(motioning to Tristan)
Hey. He's with me.
BOUNCER
Then you both gotta go.
 15.

QUINCY
OK. Why?
BOUNCER
(hauling Quincy out)
I told him no dudes, he tried to go
in with dudes, now you tryna get
in.
QUINCY
First of all, don't touch me.
Second, I was just inside, so don't
tell me it's no dudes in there.
It's all dudes.
BOUNCER
Got a problem, talk to Charlie.
QUINCY
(walking away)
Tell your boss "eat a dick nigga."
They trudge towards JJ and Murda, sitting in the Uber.
TRISTAN
Sorry.
QUINCY
It's more people I fuck with out
here than in there anyway...
JJ holds the Uber door open for them.
JJ
Wrap city bitch! We gonna hit the
next shit n trap these bands. Tris,
you down?
MURDA
Roll with us G.
TRISTAN
I'm down. Can Quincy come?
JJ
I know this nigga! Whatup Quincy!
They pile into the Uber. The Driver is coincidentally the
same white lady who dropped Tristan off earlier.
MURDA
Aye, we going to Hollywood... where
we going?
 16.

JJ
I'm doing a Vacancy Inn party
tonight. Should we go to my party?
MURDA
Your party's butt. Let's go to The
Weeknd's house.
JJ
Hell ya. Orgy shit. Fuck with it.
They begin to drive.
DRIVER
Fun party boys?
TRISTAN
It was OK. They didn't let us in.
DRIVER
Motherfuckers! I'm sorry Tristan, I
was hoping LA would be different.
MURDA
Yo, you know the Uber driver?
TRISTAN
It wasn't because I'm black, mom.
MURDA
The Uber driver is your mom?
TRISTAN
She lives with me. Mom, this is JJ
and Murda.
DRIVER
Love those names, boys, hi Quincy!
Where we going? Into the night?
JJ
Hell yeah, so turnt up!!!
MURDA
I SWEAR TO SQUAD!!!