FANTASY BALLZ

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fantasy football news source!

Complete with Doucher McGee

interviews, cheat sheets and
draft worksheets!
FEATURES:
Draft Strategism
Avoiding STDs
Team Pages
Sleepers and Keepers
Find out which All Toon Team
asshats will
INTERVIEWS:
destroy your A Fat Guy &
fantasy team… A Hot Chick

GOD BLESS AMERICA … and fantasy football!

By Jack Hollister
0
 LETTER FROM THE EDITOR
To tell you the truth, who the hell cares about a letter from the editor. I never
read them when I buy a magazine and you probably won’t read this one, but Table of Contents
that will not stop me from writing one. Why you ask? Because it’s my magazine
and I can write one if I want to. Letter from the editor …………………. 1
Table of contents ………………………… 1
I typically buy two or three magazines every season and the information could Definitions …………………………………… 2
be complete shit, but I read them anyway because fantasy football is like crack. I Interview with a Fat Guy………………. 3
have no actual data to prove this, but I am sure that fantasy football has been Strategism …………………………………… 4
the ruin of many of men. This isn’t to imply that women don’t play and play as Team pages
good, they just typically have a lot more restraint and a lot more important AFC EAST………………………… 5-6
things to do. Whether men lose their money gambling or get so wrapped up that AFC NORTH……………………..7-8
they forget their anniversaries, you can’t deny the self destructive nature of this AFC SOUTH…………………….. 9-10
game. AFC WEST…………………………11-12
NFC EAST………………………….13-14
Various reports state that the US economy loses some $10+ billion a year on NFC NORTH………………………15-16
time spent playing fantasy football. Bus loads of people get fired every year for NFC SOUTH…………………….. 17-18
either checking their stats or gambling at work. I am not afraid to give you this NFC WEST ……………………… 19-20
information for the same reason that cigarette companies aren’t afraid to tell Draft Cheatsheet …………………………. 21-22
you that smoking causes cancer. It doesn’t matter because you need your fix Avoid STDs ………….…………………………23
don’t you? August roles around and the itch comes back. Seven months of Interview with with a Hot Chick …… 24
virtual sport sobriety is about to come to a screeching halt and I am here to Sleepers and Keepers ………………….. 25-26
supply you with what you need. Draft worksheets …………………………. 27-28
All Toon Team ……………………………… 29-30
You’re welcome. Fantasy Blog description ……………… 31

Love,
Jack

Here at FantasyBallz we would especially like to thank our contributors and sponsors:

Caleb McGee
Boris van Dikzak
Alyson Jolicul
Awkwardness
The Smiling Corndog
Women with Kittens
Skanks
Guys at Oktoberfest
The Rope Climb
and Monkeys and Bananas

www.fantasyballz.com
1
 DEFINITIONS
The base of any good relationship is to make sure there is general understanding between the two parties. If one person says, “I
have crabs,” and the other thinks, “ooh I love seafood” you may have a pretty serious problem. So before we go further let’s make
sure that we are all on the same page. Here are some common terms that occasionally get lost in translation. This is mostly meant
for players that are new to the game, but it’s a good reminder for the veterans too.

Sleeper – Investment with an immediate return. A sleeper is a player that you believe will
have immediate value if you draft them on your team. They are underdog players that you SPONSOR’S CORNER
believe will have the opportunity to shine in the fantasy football world. They are typically
looked over by most fantasy owners. This article has been
brought to you by
Keeper – Investment without an immediate return. These players are similar to sleepers “awkwardness”
except their value may or may not come in the current fantasy season. Keepers are players
that you feel will have value in the coming years so you will need to be patient with them.
Please keep in mind that if you want to draft keepers, you need to first join a keeper league.
There are many variations of keeper leagues and you need to know your rules before looking
at who you want to draft as a keeper.

Bleeper – These f@!%s are players have you think will completely dick over your teams. Lots
of times they are ineffective, sometimes they are injury prone. There are lots of ways that
someone can gain “bleeper” status. Almost every team will have a bleeper on their roster at
some point in the season. The champion teams are the ones that avoid the bleepers and hit
on some sleepers. If you have the vision to steer clear of these dbags, you are going to be
playing for a title!

Dbag – This is an abbreviation for the word douche bag. Literally, a douche bag is a piece of
equipment for douching, or vaginal irrigation. Figuratively, a dbag can be used interchangeably
with the words prick, moron or asshat.

Standard leagues – If you are in a standard league, you will start 1 QB, 2 RBs, 2 WRs, 1 TE, 1 K,
1 Def and most likely 1 flex players (RB, WR, or TE). Standard leagues with reward 6 points per
rushing or receiving TDs, 4 points for TD throws, 1 point per 10 yards rushing or receiving and
1 point per 25-30 passing yards. There are a ton of point variations, but this is the easiest and
whatever website you use to track your league will likely give a “standard league” option.
Regardless, know the ins and outs of your point system so you know the correct value of
players.

PPR – Or point per reception. A lot of leagues rewards WRs, TEs and RBs a point or half of a
point for every reception they have. This rule was started to increase the value of WRs in
comparison to RBs. With all of the touches and yards that the RBs get, they have historically
been the most valuable player on a fantasy team. With the NFL turning in to a passing league,
WRs have generated much more attention in the fantasy world. If you are new to a PPR league
know that top WRs should start going off the board in the first round and that you will want to
look at RBs who catch balls out of the backfield versus runners that come out of the game on
passing downs.

STD – Well this is a sensitive subject isn’t it? STDs are sexually transmitted diseases and they
are plentiful. The big ones have been glorified into Broadway musicals like RENT and Who
Wants Syphilis (ok so that one was off Broadway). For the purpose of this magazine and
fantasy football see our article on STDs. We will review several ways to avoid them.

2
 INTERVIEW WITH A FAT GUY
We are always looking for experts in their craft to share knowledge with us in our quest for a championship. So our very own Caleb
“Doucher” McGee sat down with fantasy football champion, Boris van Dikzak.

Q: Hello Boris, I was wondering, why are you so fat?

A: Well I don’t know why you have to start on something so personal. I thought I was here to
SPONSOR’S CORNER
talk about fantasy football.
This interview has been
Q: If fantasy football was a food, what do you think it would taste like? brought to you by a
A: Um I don’t know, meaty I guess. But seriously, I am in 11 different leagues this year and smiling corndog.
always get my fantasy teams into playoffs. I have been looking at the current trends and think
that I will be targeting wide receivers late in the first round and early in the second round. If
th
you don’t get one of the top RBs before the 7 pick, you are better off going for a WR or a
stud QB like Brees, Manning or Rodgers.

Q: Have you ever tried a weight loss pill?

A: No, and I don’t want to! What I would like to do is help people figure out their draft
strategies. The prep topics you sent me last week said we would talk about how tight ends are
becoming much more valuable. With the likes of Dallas Clark and Vernon Davis dominating
th
opponents, TEs are going to go a lot faster in drafts this year, so target them closer to the 5
round if you want a good one.

Q: Tight ends… I bet they keep a pretty lean diet.

A: I am sure they do.

Q: You would probably be a better nose tackle because you’re… well… a big fella. Especially in
this area (motioning towards the belly and buttocks)
A: Who cares! I have won national fantasy football competitions! I study depth charts and
keep a constant eye on waiver wires! I trade players when their value is high. I identify good
matchups as much as possible! I never bench my stud players and I have a great eye for which
rookies are going to produce!

Q: I bet you don’t buy a lot of produce though.

A: You’re a jerk and I love salads!

Q: Does your mom ever call you big boned?

A: (responds with a stunned and confused look)

Q: Are you hungry right now?

A: NO, I JUST ATE!

Q: So shouldn’t you be walking or something now to help your digestion?

A: No, you prick. Either ask me a fantasy question or I am leaving. Don’t you want to ask me
about who I would take first, Chris Johnson, Adrian Petersen, or Maurice Jones-Drew? I came
all the way down here for an interview for a fantasy football magazine, not to talk about my
digestion.

Q: I thought you came here for a free lunch. Come on lets go, my treat.
A: NO, I SAID I JUST ATE ASSHOLE!

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 STRATEGISM
If you want to get in to your fantasy playoffs, you are going to need either luck or a plan, and usually both. And if you want to get
your plan from us there is one favor we ask. Call your strategizing “strategism”. And use the word several times a day, not only in at
your drafts but also in your every day-to-day actions. You will inevitably run into a conversation like the one below and we ask that
you respond accordingly:

Friend: strategism? That’s not a word.

You: It is so a word, it’s the “ism-form” of strategizing.
Friend: What is the “ism-form”?
You: Don’t ask stupid questions.

And just like that, “strategism” will make its way into Webster’s little book he calls a
“dictionary.” Can I take a moment to ask why the hell George Papadapolis would give his
height-challenged adopted son the rights to rule the English language? And was anyone else
jealous of that awesome elevator? But I digress in my strategism. Here are some strategies I
have used that do well:

Follow coordinators and coaches: There is little surprise that Ray Rice had a breakthrough
year and it comes down to one man, Cam Cameron. It’s the same reason that LT2 had so
many record-breaking years in San Diego and why, before a season ending injury, Ronnie
Brown was the number one RB in fantasy football in 2007. Cam was ousted by His Holiness,
Father Parcells and wound up in Baltimore. In my keeper leagues I picked up Willis McGahee to be the workhorse… enter Ray Rice,
oops. You could also attribute LTs success to Norv Turner, who has a history of getting RBs great fantasy stats like Emmitt Smith,
Ricky Williams (pre-dooby retirement” LaDainian Tomlinson and Frank Gore. Mike Martz will ramp up any passing game but will kill a
TEs stats. Alex Gibbs gets credit for coming up with Denver’s zone blocking scheme and is very successful in putting together O-lines.
He was just hired by the Seahawks.

Top-rated QB with lowest-rated WR: This theory goes like this, all QBs need a go to man. Look for the highest rated QB on your
draft sheets with the lowest rated number one receiver. On my draft sheets that would be Marques Colston and Santana Moss as all
of the other top QBs have top receivers like Wayne, Moss, Jennings, etc. This theory does not work as well in reverse. Brandon
Marshall did not make Kyle Orton into a great fantasy QB, he made him serviceable, similar to what Calvin Johnson will do with Drew
Stafford.

Avoid the dark horse teams: At least in the early to mid-rounds avoid, there are going to be some names that pop out at you on
teams like Oakland, Tampa Bay, Buffalo, Kansas City, etc. I am not taking Jamal Charles, Darren McFadden, or anyone from Tampa or
th
Buffalo until the 7 round. Last year, Tampa’s RB stud was going to be Derrick Ward after he racked up over 1000 yard as a Giant.
Except, the Giants had a stellar offensive line. Tampa had a Swiss cheese o-line and a non-threatening passing game, so an RB would
be facing stacked defensives. This leads me to my next strategism (see how many ways you could use this word!)

Follow the offensive lines: Why was Larry Johnson turn in to a stud RB right after Priest Holmes started to decline? His name was
Willie Roaf. Why did that guy who looked like Tiki and Ronde Barber… oh yeah, Shaun Alexander break the NFL TD record and then
flop into oblivion while the Vikings running game is the top in the league? His name is Steve Hutchinson. Why is Shonne Green going
to dominate like Thomas “shit I got traded to the Chiefs” Jones has the past couple of years? Well we’ll see what the loss of Alan
Faneca does to the team, but the Jets have an undeniably dominant offensive line. Find your Pro-Bowl offensive linemen and you
will find your top running backs.

Streaker-swap: No not trading the people running butt-naked at soccer matches. They are usually fat and penisful. Every year there
is someone who goes on a tear and sits on the waiver wires for a bit. I try to dedicate one spot on my bench to a streaker. I will hold
him for 3 weeks and much like breeding a pure-bred track horse, if he doesn’t produce I kill him and possibly sell him to a dog food
manufacturer… or just cut him for another streaker. It is here that you might take a shot at a player from a dark horse team early in
the season.

That is all I have to say about that. Thank you for taking the time strategisming with me. And remember, “strategism” is not dirty, its
science.

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AFC EAST 2010
BUFFALO BILLS 2009 record 6-10
Division record 2-4
Home 3-5
Sleeper – Fred Jackson, he is the best RB on this roster right now and might Away 3-5
be worth a late pick. Predicted 2-14
Keeper – None, this team as a lot to prove before keeping any of these Bye week 6
scrubs.
Bleeper - F$%@# the passing game and all of its participants.

Saying that the Bills have a little talent problem is like saying that Tiger Woods had a little porn star
problem. All of the AFC East teams have made some major off-season moves to grab power from the
Patriots. The Bills however seem content with their dominance in the world of chicken wings and
proximity to Molson XXX. You have to feel a bit bad for fans seeing a home game move to the friendly
neighbors to the North who treat the away teams to a dome so they don’t have to suffer in the cold or
put up with the “crazy loud fans ay”. Fantasy wise, Fred Jackson had some potential to do some damage
even with Marshawn Lynch around, but that has been marginalized by their first round draft pick CJ
Spiller. Spiller might be worth a pick in keeper leagues, but he won’t be a force his first season. The QB
situation is unstable and Lee Evans can’t catch what isn’t close. They don’t even have the curb appeal
they did last year with TO. The defense won’t do much despite having a great second-year corner in
Jarius Byrd. I really do hope that the Buffalo Argonauts surprise people this year and avoid an all-out
emigration.

MIAMI DOLPHINS 2009 record 7-9

Division record 4-2
Sleeper – Chad Henne, could be the golden child with Marshall in town. Home 4-4
Keeper – Devon Bess, has potential to be the Wes Welker of Miami (after Away 3-5
Predicted 9-7
he left Miami).
Bye week 5
Bleeper - F@!% Ronnie Brown, his injury cost me a lot last season! I will
pick him later this year, but damn he’s worth a ‘F@!%’.

Whoever said that aqua and orange is the new red and gold would be right! Stephen Ross broke out the
check book ala Dan Snyder and signed Karlos Dansby and Brandon Edwards to record deals. The Fins
had a very disappointing end to a disappointing season. They lost their last 3 games by narrow margins.
They couldn’t match up against tight ends and didn’t have a go to receiver to win the games in the
clutch. Only time will tell if their big money pickups come back to bite them in the ass like it has the
Redskins with Albert Haynesworth and Jason Taylor. The Wildcat took a back seat as soon as Ronnie
Brown went down for the season but all signs are pointing towards a healthy return which is good news
for his owners. The Fins will use Brown a lot, especially near the goal line where the Wildcat opens a lot
of holes. Chad Henne did a decent job when he jumped in for an injured Chad Pennington. Now with his
new toy in Marshall, he should have more value and can be a viable #2 fantasy QB in standard leagues
with great potential in keeper leagues. It’s a tossup with Devon Bess, Greg Camarillo and Brian Hartline
on who the main possession guy is going to be, but they would likely only be mid-season fill in pickups
anyway. I might take Bess with a late round pick.

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AFC EAST 2010
NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS 2009 record 10-6
Division record 4-2
Sleeper – Wes Welker, how can a guy with 123 rec. be a sleeper? Well cuz Home 8-0
of his injury, he will slip in the draft. If you are willing to gamble, you could Away 2-6
get him for a deal. Predicted 10-6
Keeper – Rob Gronkowski, this could be a bank or bust pick. The Pats Bye week 5
might be trying to copy the Colts and Dallas Clark’s role.
Bleeper - F@!% all the RBs. With such a solid passing game, the RBs
consistently let you down in fantasyland.

I find it odd that the Patriots have won the division 7 of the past 9 years including 3 Super Bowls in 4
appearances and in a recent NFL poll 60% of respondents said that the Jets were the team to beat in
the AFC East. Not only have the Pats had double digit wins since 2003 but they have Tom Brady,
Randy Moss, a recovering Wes Welker and amazing pre-game cameramen! This team is good and so
are its fantasy studs. Brady’s draft position might slide a bit this year due to the emergence of Aaron
Rodgers and the dominance of Drew Brees and Peyton Manning, but he is always a solid producer and
occasionally a mega-fantasy star. Moss is slowing a bit, but will still have top 10 receiver numbers and
as soon as Welker is healthy again he will be a PPR monster. Julius Edelman might be worth a mid-
nd
round pick if Welker is slow to get back on the field. 2 round draft pick TE Rob Gronkowski will be a
popular draft day gamble, but the Patriots TEs are rarely used in the passing game. The RBs are
marginal flex players and that is usually only when 2 or 3 of them get hurt. Note: Maroney is the only
Pats RB who won’t be 33 this year. The defense is nothing special but their kicker is decent.

NEW YORK JETS 2009 record 9-7

Division record 2-4
Sleeper – LT, yeah he’s old and a bit busted up but look what Thomas Home 4-4
Jones did behind that O-line. Away 5-3
Keeper – Dustin Keller, look for Sanchez to become a checkdown QB and Predicted 8-8
rd
hit his 3 year TE more often. Bye week 7
Bleeper – F@!% Braylon Edwards, he’s not the game changer they
thought he would be.

Let’s recap. The Jets had a good chance of going 7-9 last year. They lucked in to the playoffs where
they, in all honesty, were underestimated and surprised a lot of people. Their Cinderella run will NOT
carry them in to 2010. Sanchez hasn’t sucked, but has been far from impressive. They added a couple
of decent players in Antoine Cromartie and Santonio Holmes and they have handed the running
wheels over to Greene. With all of the hoopla that has surrounded the Jets in the off season, I think
they are up for a huge let down in their season. The AFC East is going to be a tough division this year
and well it’s a long fall off a high horse. Fantasy-wise, grab Greene with confidence as a number 1 RB.
The O-line is stout so he will get his yards, TDs, and a good number of receptions from the check
downs that Sanchez will take. And their defense is going to be top notch in 2010 and for a long time.
Otherwise, their receivers might make a decent flex play if you look at matchups, but that’s about it
unless you can play Rex Ryan’s stomach who is guaranteed to devour anything that gets in its way.

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AFC NORTH 2010

BALTIMORE RAVENS 2009 record 9-7

Division 3-3
Home 6-2
Sleeper – Derrick Mason, you remember the other WR who was paired
Away 3-5
up with Boldin? What was his name, Harry Fitzmerald? Prediction 12-4
Keeper – Joe Flacco, you can get him near the end of the draft and could Bye week 8
come out with top 10 QB numbers.
Bleeper – F@!% Willis McGahee, he is a fantasy thief and unpredictable.
He will put up 40 points on your bench and 3 points when you start him.

The Ravens made a pretty big splash in the off-season by picking up disgruntled Cardinal superman
Anquan Boldin and we can all understand why. Boldin has the capability to torch opponents. A couple
years back he tore up a top-rated Ravens defense for 180+ yards and 3 TDs. Hopefully for his sake
Mason will have another solid year and the Ravens will get their passing game going. As for their
ground game, they are one of the top teams. Ray Rice had a HUGE season and even TD-snaking Willis
McGahee had a good year. Joe Flacco should excel in his supporting role. It’s like putting JJ Walker in
Ocean’s 14. Actually I would pay to see that movie… Anyways back to Flacco. He started off 2009 on a
roll but slowed by midseason when Rice took over the show and you might see more of the same this
year. The defense will be decent but I have a feeling they will flounder as teams need to keep pace with
the Ravens high-powered offense (words that have never ever gone together). Feel free to add their
kicker. With the off season improvement, Bal’more will be the team to beat in the AFC North this year.

CINCINNATI BENGALS 2009 record 10-6

Division record 6-0
Home 6-2
Sleeper – Carson Palmer, with more offensive weapons, he’s going to
Away 4-4
put up more numbers than expected.
Predicted 9-7
Keeper – Jermaine Gresham, he won’t even be drafted as a starting TE, Bye week 6
but might end the season as one.
Bleeper - F@!% Antonio Bryant, he is another guy who won’t do shit til
you bench him.

Who else sees the benefit of playing your starters through the entire season? If you are a Bengals fan,
you should be raising your hand right now as awkward as it might be seeing that you aren’t talking to
anyone and possibly on the toilet. The Bengals went on a tear last year going undefeated in their
division with the heavily favored Ravens and Steelers. Granted they had two automatic wins against
the Browns, but so did the other AFC North teams. Has Marvin Lewis actually taken this team to a new
level or are they going to be a one-pump chump and bow out this year? I have faith that they can win
some tough games. Carson Palmer hasn’t really returned to form since his knee surgery but he is still a
decent fantasy play this year. Chad Ochocinco had a bounce back year in 2009 and should still perform
at a high level and Cedric Benson can function as a #2 RB. I am also a fan of rookie TE Jermaine
Gresham out of Oklahoma. He will give Palmer that presence in the middle that’s been missing since
Houshmandzadeh flew the coop. T.O. is more mouth than hands and Antonio Bryant is a crap shoot.
None of these players are going to win you a championship, but get them in the middle rounds to
compliment your super stars and you should have a reliable team.

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AFC NORTH 2010

CLEVELAND BROWNS 2009 record 5-11

Division 1-5
Sleeper – Montario Hardesty, nobody will think a Browns RB will put up Home 3-5
Away 2-6
numbers.
Prediction 5-11
Keeper – Montario Hardesty, nobody will think a Browns RB will put up Bye week 8
numbers (this is not a misprint, he’s just the only viable candidate).
Bleeper – F@!% everyone else on the team, they may get you negative
points.

The good news for Browns fans is that Mike Holmgren has a history of success. The bad news is that this
is not going to happen overnight. The division is very strong and the Browns starting QB throws too
many mid-game temper tantrums not to mention interceptions, and that is when he had one of the top
running games to support him. Cleveland is cold and the Dawg Pound is relentless. In the fantasy world,
Jerome Harrison has potential running behind Joe Thomas but he’s not an every down back hence the
nd
decision to draft Tennessee RB Montario Hardesty in the 2 round, but will he see the field? It will be
interesting to see how they use Joshua Cribbs as a WR, RB and/or return man. He is explosive but has
not been used enough to be a consistent fantasy option. Please don’t go near Jake “the Flake”
Delhomme unless you are in a two QB league and need a bye week fill in. He will have many multiple
INT games with the Mr. Reed and Mr. Polumalu smelling fresh blood. Their defense and kicker will both
suck too. Sorry Browns fans, but at least you have LeBron… wait, that’s not right is it?

PITTSBURGH STEELERS
2009 record 9-7
Sleeper – Heath Miller, he will get a lot of action when they start the Division 2-4
season without Big Ben and are looking for a big target. Home 6-2
Keeper – Mike Wallace, he is also a top sleeper. You can grab him late Away 3-5
Prediction 7-9
and might be a guy who translates his long ball skills to a go to receiver
Bye week 8
ala Greg Jennings.
Bleeper – F@!% Ben Roethlisberger, what a moron.

Dear Mr. Roethlisberger, just because you have your way with the Browns, does NOT give you
permission to have your way with anyone you want! Please keep that in mind when entering
bathrooms of the opposite sex or in prison where you may end up if you keep this up. Granted in prison
you probably would be on the Brown-end of the deal if you catch my drift. The Steelers have had a
th
tough off-season. They got rid of Santonio Holmes for only a 5 round pick and Hines Ward isn’t getting
younger. At least Rashard Mendenhall showed a lot of promise towards the end of the season. He
should be a solid low #1 or high #2 RB. Roethlisberger will probably still put up decent numbers after
his 4-6 game suspension, but don’t expect him to improve on his 2009 averages. Mike Wallace will get
more looks and is worth a mid to late round pick. The Steelers missed out on the playoffs after putting
up massive passing yards and they are looking to move back to a grind-it-out team and win games in
the trenches. If Troy Polamalu is back to 100%, the Steelers have a dangerous, point-scoring defense.
Without him they are mediocre. Jeff Reed is an ok kicker.

8
AFC SOUTH 2010

HOUSTON TEXANS 2009 record 9-7

Division 1-5
Home 4-4
Sleeper – Kevin Walter, he is coming back from an injury and should
Away 5-3
have a decent season with AJ getting all the attention. Prediction 8-8
Keeper – Ben Tate, he’s young and could be the future RB the franchise Bye week 7
is looking for.
Bleeper – F@!% bumbling, stumbling, fumbling Steve Slaton.

The Houston Texans seem to be a perennial feel good pick of the team that will finally dethrone the
Colts as top in the division. Well this year folks, it’s not going to happen either. The Texans have the
most difficult schedule in league coming up. They only won one division game in 2009 and with Vince
Young coming on strong at the end of the season; I don’t think the Texans will even place second in
the division this year. For fantasy players, we don’t really care where they finish. We know that Andre
Johnson is a beast and as long as he stays healthy will be a lock for 100+ receptions, 1300+ yards and
12+ TDs. He will be one of the first WRs taken as well he should be. And any receiver with that type of
projection has a solid QB throwing to him. Matt Schaub is going to get plenty of fantasy points this
year and will be available in the early-mid rounds. If you want to gamble and can pick up both of
these guys, go for it! I am a big fan of the stud WR, solid QB combo. Other than these two you are
looking at some late round guys who could produce with Arian Foster possibly taking the starting RB
nd
spot and Kevin Walter as an underneath WR option. You can’t ignore 2 round draftee Ben Tate, RB
from Auburn, but wait to see how preseason turns out. The defense might be a decent bye-week
pickup, but with their tough schedule, I wouldn’t count on them from too often.

INDIANAPOLIS COLTS 2009 record 14-2

Division 6-0
Sleeper – No one sleeps on the Colts. Everyone will get drafted early Home 7-1
to mid rounds. Away 7-1
Prediction 13-3
Keeper – Pierre Garcon will be to Reggie Wayne what Reggie Wayne
Bye week 7
was to Marvin Harrison (pre-gun charges).
Bleeper - F@!% Vinitieri, you know the team is gold when the only
one I can pick on is the kicker who was injured last year.

Peyton Manning is like the really popular hot chick in school who all the guys want to shag but
since they couldn’t get her, they hooked up with her friends who are hot by association. What?!
You don’t want the visual of shagging Dallas Clark or Reggie Wayne? Gross, me either, who let me
write this magazine!?! Wipe your brain… Heidi Klum… Gisele Bündchen… Matt Damon (just to
appeal to all my readers). Manning makes his entire offense viable starters on your fantasy team.
Peyton himself is a top 3 QB every year. Wayne and Clark are two of the best at their positions.
Joseph Addai is a number 2 RB or a flex player. Donald Brown has ton of potential and Pierre
Garcon and Austin Collie made really good fill in players last year. We don’t know how the return
of Anthony Gonzalez is going to fit into the mix, but at least one of these players is going to be a
great mid-late round pick up. My bet is on Garcon. He was a huge playmaker in the Colts offense in
the end of the season and playoffs. There defense won’t be in the top 15 most likely but Colts
kickers are always money when healthy.

9
AFC SOUTH 2010

JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS 2009 record 7-9

Division 3-3
Sleeper – Rashad Jennings, someone has to back up MJD. Home 5-3
Keeper – I don’t think there is one. Away 2-6
Bleeper – F@!% Ernest Wilford, you could fill in a lot of names here, Prediction 6-10
Bye week 9
but Wilford pops out as a bust.

th
The Jaguars entire existence in Florida is being questioned. They are the 4 most popular NFL team
in the state behind the Dolphins, Bucs and “not interested”, their stadium is always half full (or half
empty you pessimist), and there is a lot of talk of them moving to L.A. They play in a really tough
division and have stayed relatively stagnant since their playoff run in 2007. Luckily for the Jags last
year, one-twelfth of all fantasy football players are big time fans of the team because they were
the owners of Maurice Jones-Drew. It was his first year as the primary back and he responded
with 1700+ yards and 16 total TDs, not to mention 52 receptions for PPR players. He will most
likely be a top 3 pick in 2010. The only other player who should be considered every week is Mike
rd
Sims-Walker who had an impressive 3 year in the league. Take a look at David Garrard for a bye
week fill in at QB, but if he is your weekly starter, you might want to start prepping for your 2011
fantasy draft. I wouldn’t touch this defense with someone else’s … hand. They play 6 games against
the “Good Manning”, Chris Johnson and Andre Johnson.

TENNESSEE TITANS 2009 record 8-8

Division 2-4
nd
Home 5-3
Sleeper – Kenny Britt, WRs usually don’t show their value until the 2 Away 3-5
year, so he might surprise people. Prediction 9-7
Keeper – Vince Young won’t be drafted as a starting QB, so you can Bye week 9
probably get him late and see if he regains his winning ways or cries.
Bleeper – F@!% Nate Washington, he was supposed to be a game
breaker last year but like most got lost in the shadow of Chris Johnson.

Smash and Dash ran up the hill to fetch a pail of water. Smash fell down, got booted out of town
and Dash broke a lot of f-ing records and racked up over 2500 yards and should have secured
himself as the number one pick in this year’s fantasy drafts. Vince Young made a pretty courageous
return as well and provided that Johnson is healthy and distracting the front 7, Young should have a
decent statistical year again. I would only draft him as a backup QB but he could have some value
later in the season or in leagues that start 2 QBs. Most likely Mr. Young will be dumping passes off
to Johnson or Bo Scaife and obviously run in his good share of TDs but the pure WRs won’t have
very consistent years. Nate Washington is the veteran but look for more value in Kenny Britt. The
defense just wasn’t as aggressive after they lost Haynesworth and they won’t be a viable starting D
this year. Rob Bironess is usually a solid kicker that you can pick up in the last round.

10
AFC WEST 2010

DENVER BRONCOS 2009 record 8-8

Division 3-3
Home 4-4
Sleeper – Knowshon Moreno, I don’t expect much from him but
Away 4-4
someone has to get the ball. Prediction 7-9
Keeper - Eddie Royal, there aren’t a lot of options and he should be Bye week 9
one of the last #1 receivers drafted.
Bleeper – F@!% Josh McDaniels, he has destroyed this team.

If I was a Broncos fan (and I am not) I would be PISSED! Two years of this McDaniels clown and you
have lost your franchise QB, stud receiver and promising TE. Are we sure that Belicheat isn’t just
sending out his minions to mess up other top AFC teams? Let’s take a look. Eric Mangini to the
Jets/Browns, Romeo Crennel to the Browns, McDaniels to the Broncos, Scott Pioli to the Chiefs, and
Charlie Weis to Notre Dame/Chiefs. Ok, so Notre Dame isn’t in the AFC… yet. But all of the other
programs have gone down the crapper and Denver is headed there too. Fantasy wise, there aren’t
many solid starter projected here. Kyle Orton was decent with Brandon Marshall… and now he isn’t.
Neither are Brady Quinn or Tim Tebow. Eddie Royal has some potential to shine in a leading role and
is just one season removed from his 92 receptions so take a shot at him in the mid rounds. Rookie
WR Damaryius Thomas will be in this mix as well, worth a late round look. Knowshon Moreno could
be a number 2 RB or a flex play depending on the matchups. There isn’t a TE to start and their
defense needs to prove something before you pick them up. I see a floundering offense this year so I
would avoid Matt Prater too.

KANSAS CITY CHIEFS 2009 record 4-12

Division 2-4
Sleeper – I think most of the team will be sleeping and probably won’t Home 1-7
wake up this season. Away 3-5
Prediction 4-12
Keeper – Dexter McCluster, he won’t get drafted in most leagues and
Bye week 4
might be worth your last pick in the draft.
Bleeper – F@!% Matt Cassel, he was a byproduct of a great Patriots
team, and is showing his true colors now.

The Chiefs were pretty excited at the beginning of the season in 2009. They had a successful,
young, offense-minded coach, brought in a “proven” QB, and had a solid RB. The problem was that
Todd Haley’s success was due to Kurt Warner, Larry Fitzgerald and Anquan Boldin. Matt Cassel did
great when he had Moss and Welker. And homophobe Larry Johnson got the boot after clashing
with coaches and his twittering habits. Sadly, there is probably less to look forward to this year.
Haley will keep putting the ball in Cassel’s hands and while newly acquired Thomas Jones was a
stud behind the Jets O-line, he is going to get smacked in KC and probably retire after he breaks his
coccyx. WR Dwayne Bowe has some promise because the Chiefs will be playing behind most of the
time. Chris Chambers and Bobby Wade should only be used in really deep leagues as flex players.
nd
Jamal Charles had a great 2 half of the season and will most likely be the bright spot on the
offense this year as well. He will be splitting with Jones and rookie Dexter McCluster though, so I
would temper my expectations. Steer clear of the defense and kicker.

11
AFC WEST 2010

OAKLAND RAIDERS 2009 record 5-11

Division 2-4
Sleeper –Darren McFadden, Cable wants a work horse and he is the Home 2-6
leading candidate Away 3-5
Keeper – None Prediction 4-12
Bye week 10
Bleeper – F@!% Jamarcus Russell, I know he is gone, but this is for all
the Raider fans who stuck by him while he was the last one in the
office and the first one out for the past 3 years.

Can I skip this section and go right to the team in the division that matters for fantasy? … Fine, I will
say something. The Raiders suck. Sorry Raider fans, but you know it’s true. Since their 2002 Super
Bowl appearance they haven’t had a season with more than 5 wins. They have drafted bust after
bust. Al Davis must be rolling in his grave… wait, what? Al Davis isn’t dead?! Actually he always
reminds me of Mr. Burns from the Simpsons, and is usually good for some mid-season
entertainment. For fantasy purposes however, the Raiders still suck. Jason Campbell wasn’t good
with the Skins, nor will he be with the Raiders. Darius Heywood-Bey is crap. Darren McFadden has
some potential with a mid round flyer. Zach Miller isn’t terrible. Defense = crap. Kicker = crap.
Overall, I tend to avoid the Raiders if you couldn’t tell, it’s a recipe for putting together a solid
fantasy squad. You know what isn’t a recipe… punching your assistant coaches. It’s bad for moral.

SAN DIEGO CHARGERS 2009 record 13-3

Division 5-1
Sleeper – Malcolm Floyd, he is a possible keeper too with Jackson’s Home 6-2
Away 7-1
suspension and looming hold out.
Prediction 14-2
Keeper – Ryan Mathews, this kid is going to be the featured back in a Bye week 10
Norv Turner offense.
Bleeper – Vincent Jackson, the dbag would be a top 10 WR but that’s
hard to do when he’s not playing.

You know how the Camaro is the poor man’s Corvette? Well the Chargers are like the poor man’s
Colts. Don’t get me wrong, I would drive a Camaro, just like I would start Philip Rivers, Vincent
Jackson and Antonio Gates. You just get them cheaper. Obviously you would rather have Manning,
Wayne and Clark, but the Chargers will be around later in the draft. Not only have they switched to a
passing team with the decline of The Great LT2, but they are a powerhouse in one of the weakest
divisions. The Broncos are rebuilding and have a new defensive coordinator. The Raiders and the
Chiefs are, well… the Raiders and the Chiefs. There are 6 games right there that are great matchups!
One of the few rookies that have a chance at a good fantasy year is RB Ryan Mathews. The Chargers
nd
gave up a 2 round pick to move up to get this kid, which says a lot and any stud RB under Norv
Turner is a good fantasy play. Darren Sproles is still going to be a slash back but will catch plenty of
ballz out of the backfield and WR Malcolm Floyd is worth a mid-late round pick. I expect better
defensive output than last year. Shawn Merriman should start the year healthy and losing Cromartie
won’t hurt them much. And like other high-powered offenses, pick up their kicker.

12
NFC EAST 2010
DALLAS COWBOYS 2009 record 11-5
Division 4-2
Sleeper – Not a lot of sleepers here. Tashard Choice will do well later Home 6-2
in the season but you can get him off the waivers. Away 5-3
Keeper – Dez Bryant, he and Austin Miles should be fun to watch. Prediction 12-4
Bleeper – F@!% Roy Williams, this douche bag cost me on several Bye week 4
fantasy teams last year.

I like analogies so let’s try this one. Jerry Jones is the rich old father who had a kid too late in life and
feels like he needs to over compensate by buying him new toys. “Hey little Tony, look what daddy
bought you… a talking T.O.! What? That toy is too loud? OK, daddy got you a Roy Toy! Oh he’s
broken and overpriced? OK, have this brand new Dez dispenser!” And then little Tony goes off and
plays in the mud with his Witten and Miles dolls. So now you have a trunk full of unused toys who
could easily turn into Chucky if they aren’t given enough attention. The pickup of Dez Bryant has
made Roy Williams and Patrick Clayton expendable. And make no mistake, Miles is still the go-to
receiver on this team, and we have seen what Tony Romo does when he finds a favorite. Jason
Witten will still be a force underneath, but Miles racked up 1300+ yards and 11 TDs and wasn’t even
utilized until week 5!There are some fantasy question marks in the fantasy running game with 3
studs in Marion Barber, Felix Jones and Tashard Choice all capable of carrying the load, but will get
buried in a run-by-committee offense. The defense should be in the top 10 but have tough divisional
matchups. The kicker should do well with such a good offense although that theory didn’t apply to
Folk last year. This team has the potential to be the first home team to go to a Super Bowl provided
they stay healthy and Jerry Jones doesn’t get caught drunk on video bashing Roger Goodell.

NEW YORK GIANTS

2009 record 8-8
Sleeper – Ahmad Bradshaw, he had 60 less yards than Jacobs and 60 Division 4-2
less carries. Home 4-4
Away 4-4
Keeper – Mario Manningham, teams will focus on Smith and he
Prediction 6-10
should get open a lot. Bye week 8
Bleeper – F@!% Brandon Jacobs, how many fantasy teams took him
in the early rounds last year and got screwed?

What else can the “G” in G-men stand for? Goners come to mind. After a promising start in 2009,
the Giants took a turn for the worse and haven’t done much to keep pace with the rest of the
division. The Cowboys won the NFC East, the Eagles were one win away from a bye-week and
have a ton of young playmakers and the Skins brought in a future Hall of Fame coach and QB.
Since their Super Bowl victory, the Giants have lost a lot of playmakers. Some youngsters have
stepped up. WR Steve Smith became the go to guy and is now projected as a low #1 – high #2
fantasy receiver. WR Mario Manningham also had some big games last year and is worth a mid-
late round pick. Eli Manning is wonderfully predictable. He always starts the year on fire and then
fades into fantasy irrelevance. He is definitely a “trad’em while he’s hot” player. Even if you take a
lesser player, do it. If you think, “wow he might do this all year,” … he won’t. Brandon Jacobs is
the other wild card. He is an absolute beast when he is busting through tired D-lines at the end of
the game but will get injured as the feature back. TE Kevin Boss always show sporadic promise
and could be a “plug-it-up” guy. The defense plays some good offenses but their kickers do well.

13
 NFC EAST 2010

PHILADELPHIA EAGLES 2009 record 11-5

Division 4-2
Sleeper – Kevin Kolb, kid is going to be underrated this year and this Home 6-2
year only. Away 5-3
Keeper – Brent Celek, he is Kolb’s roommate at training camp and his Prediction 10-6
Bye week 8
go to receiver.
Bleeper – F@!% Leonard Weaver, only because I already have McCoy
in a keeper league and Weaver runs really well for a big man.

Philly fans are hoping that Kevin Kolb is the next Aaron Rodgers and not the next (insert any
Brown’s QB name here). After sitting and learning behind Donovan McNabb, Kolb has a lot of
promise and must be thinking, “Oh dear god. I play QB in Philadelphia, for fans that hate Santa
Claus, break mascots’ legs and booed a QB who had a .652 winning percentage (only Brady and
Manning have been better). Should be fun! I for one, think he can do it. He went over 300 yards in
both of his starts last year and is surrounded by a ton of talent. I am going to look at him in the late
rounds as a back up and trade him when he is hot or keep him for great value in keeper leagues. I
would also start WR DeSean Jackson and TE Brent Celek with a lot of confidence. WR Jeremy Maclin
will have some solid games. Look when the Eagles play teams with one good corner who will match
up on Jackson, Maclin will be a great flex player in those games. RB LeSean McCoy has the potential
for a breakout season, but keep an eye on FB Leonard Weaver who snakes carries. I don’t know if I
trust their defense this year in a tough division but kicker David Akers should do well.

WASHINGTON REDSKINS 2009 record 4-12

Division 0-6
Sleeper – Santana Moss, he isn’t going to be a top 10 receiver, but he’ll Home 3-5
Away 1-7
do better than people expect.
Prediction 8-8
Keeper – Chris Cooley, he is going to have the best stats of his career
Bye week 9
under McNabb.
Bleeper – F@!% the old man RB committee, any one of the RBs will be
the death of your fantasy squad.

The 2009 Redskins made an art of losing. They lost to teams who couldn’t beat anyone, the Lions
and Chiefs, and then infamously gave the Saints a victory with an INT stripped for an offensive TD
and missed field goals. It was painful and hilarious to watch. Management decided that it wasn’t the
players that were bad, it was the leadership. Well not all the leadership, just the leadership under
the management. Coaches, gone. Starting QB, traded. Enter the glorious saviors of Hog Nation;
Super Bowl winning Coach Mike Shanahan and star QB Donovan McNabb from the City of Brotherly
Love (McNabb must giggle at that slogan a lot). Actually I think McNabb is going to make a difference
for the team, but he will be a rougher version of recent years in Philly. The Skins just don’t have the
supporting cast, most notably on the O-line but also in the WRs. Santana Moss will get more ballz
coming his way and Chris Cooley has potential for a career year. Fantasy wise I am going to avoid all
of the RBs. Clinton Portis, Larry Johnson and Willy Parker will all be called on, but who knows when
or how well they will do before breaking a hip. The defense might do well as a bye week plug and I
am not going to gamble on their kicker.

14
NFC NORTH 2010

CHICAGO BEARS 2009 record 7-9

Division 3-3
Sleeper – Devin Aromashodu, he’ll benefit from Mike Martz game Home 5-3
Away 2-6
calling.
Prediction 9-7
Keeper – I don’t know if I like any of these guys in the long term yet. Bye week 8
Bleeper – F@!% Cutler’s red zone accuracy, dude needs to get his shit
together inside the 20.

Jay Cutler playing for Mike Martz is going to be like the Cujo playing for Michael Vick. There might
be some collateral damage, but he is going to tear shit up in the fantasy world. Even Jon Kitna was
a top 5 fantasy QB with Mike Martz at the helm. Before you get too excited, remember that Cutler
has a lot of INT issues especially in the red zone and the Bears don’t have any stud receivers but
that won’t stop Martz from letting him air it out 30+ times a game with a lot of down field shots to
Devin Hester and Johnny Knox, and Devin Aromashodu. TE Greg Olsen had some pretty impressive
games towards the end of the season, BUT Martz is not known for targeting TEs in his system. One
of the biggest fantasy disappointments from 2009 was Matt Forte. I think Lovie Smith must have
drafted Forte in the first round of his fantasy draft too, cuz he was pissed! So pissed that he
brought in Chester Taylor to help out the running game. We’ll see who is the primary carrier when
the season starts, but I am guessing that Taylor is going to have the bigger fantasy year. If Hester is
running back kicks, I would start the Bears defense every week, but he won’t be and that is sad.
Robbie Gould has potential as kicker since Martz likes high scoring affairs.

DETROIT LIONS 2009 record 2-14

Division 0-6
Sleeper – Matt Stafford, he won’t get drafted til late but someone has Home 2-6
Away 0-8
to throw to Megatron.
Prediction 4-12
Keeper – Jahvid Best, might end of stealing the show in the Motor City. Bye week 7
Bleeper – F@!% Kevin Jones, he was unimpressive in his primary role
last year.

The Detroit Lions have made the playoffs in 6 of the last 10 seasons… um, that’s not right is it?
Sorry Lions fans that was the 1990’s. And 1999 was the last time the Lions made the playoffs. But
you know what, I don’t think Lion fans have their goals set that high. I think they’d just like to NOT
have top 10 pick in the draft and maybe upset some of their division rivals on the way. Believe it or
not, the Lions have more offensive weapons than some teams. Calvin Johnson is stud. He was
drafted too high in fantasy leagues last year but with Matt Stafford getting some experience, he
should do better statistically this year. RB Kevin Jones will be sharing carries with first round draft
choice Jahvid Best. Best might be worth a mid round pick to see if he is the real deal come game
time. Keep an eye on TE Brandon Pettigrew also who has a lot of potential. The Lions defense has
ranked last in the league for the past 3 years in yards allowed so we will avoid them like the plague
and probably won’t draft their kicker until the offense proves they can put points on the board.

15
 NFC NORTH 2010
GREEN BAY PACKERS 2009 record 11-5
Division 4-2
Sleeper – None, expect big things from all these guys. Home 6-2
Keeper – Jermichael Finley, he came on strong last year, and will be a top Away 5-3
Prediction 12-4
TE soon.
Bye week 10
Bleeper – F@!% the pass protection, they did better at the end of the
year, and IF they keep Rodgers upright, he’ll be the top QB in
fantasyland.

Take note fantasy fans, when Brady, Manning and Brees retire, it’s going to be Mr. Rodgers
neighborhood if it isn’t already. When Brett Favre first retired, I sat back and thought this looks a lot
like the situation when the Joe Montana era ended, the Steve Young era started and the 49ers
didn’t miss a beat. Well neither have the Packers. Sure you can say he didn’t win his first playoff
game or even beat Favre in the division, but that wasn’t Rodgers fault! This kid is a class act and
produces big time. He is surrounded by talent in Donald Driver, Greg Jennings and young TE
Jermichael Finley. He has added value with his willingness and ability to tuck the ball and run. He
had 300+ yards and 5 rushing TDs last year, and this was with an O-line that gave up 50 sacks. Driver
had a stellar 2009 and while Jennings stats dropped a bit, he should have a solid year. Ryan Grant
quietly racked up 1500+ total yards and 11 TDs. He should do well again in 2010. With teams trying
to play catch up, the defense creates a lot of sacks and turnovers. They are one of the best fantasy
wise as is K Mason Crosby.

MINNESOTA VIKINGS 2009 record 12-4

Division 5-1
Sleeper – Not many surprise picks on this team, all featured positions Home 8-0
are expected to do well. Away 4-4
Keeper – Toby Gerhart, draft him low and see what kind of role he is Prediction 10-6
given. Bye week 4
Bleeper – F@!% Favre, ok I like him and admire his resolve, but just say
you feel like skipping training camp.

The only difference between Brett Favre’s 2008 stint with the Jets and his 2009 stint with the Vikings
is that he waited longer to self destruct. One throw across his body and the Vikings miss out on the
Super Bowl and his chance to retire on top. Ok, so they never would have been in position to lose
that game with Tavaris Jackson at the helm, but that one pass will motivate Favre to come back to
his gun slinging role and this alone gives great value to Sidney Rice and Percy Harvin. Visanthe
Siancoe will be a low end starter. And what about All Day Peterson? Well his role in the offense took
a back seat last year with Old Man Favre’s presence. He should bounce back this year for a couple
reasons. The Saints showed that if you hit Favre he starts to get reckless. So watch the Vikings try to
run through blitzes or check down to AP in the flats. Also Chester Taylor took off to the Bears so
handcuff yourself with rookie Toby Gerhart in the middle rounds. Defensively the Vikings are top
notch. Jared Allen and the Williamses (Pat and Kevin, not Venus and Serena, although one could
argue that they’d be pretty dominant also) cause havoc which in turn creates sacks and turnovers.
Ryan Longwell will be a top kicker as well.

16
NFC SOUTH 2010

ATLANTA FALCONS 2009 record 9-7

Division 3-3
Sleeper – Jerious Norwood, he is going to come healthy and they’ll Home 6-2
Away 3-5
spell Turner from time to time.
Prediction 9-7
Keeper – Matt Ryan, he might slip in drafts, and has a lot of upside as a Bye week 8
keeper.
Bleeper – I can’t think of anyone that would really screw your draft up
too bad.

After Matt Ryan threw his first pass in 2008, a 62-yard TD, the Falcons knew they had found their
man. The same year they had acquired Michael Turner who ended up getting almost 1700 yards 17
TDs. The Falcons wanted to make a push for a championship and signed the best TE of all time in
Tony Gonzalez. So how did this team go 9-7 in 2009? They wore down the wheels on Turner and
their defense isn’t good. That’s an understatement. I think you can probably expect more of the
same this year. WR Roddy White will have another good year. Matty Ice will put decent but not
great numbers. Turner will get his TDs and carries and might even be a top 10 back at the end of the
year. And Michael Jenkins will be a bye week fill in. Tony Gonzalez should still be a number one TE. I
would suggest that you surround your studs with Falcon players as number 2s and flex players.
Please keep away from the defense and like most kickers, theirs will be around the middle of the
pack.

CAROLINA PANTHERS 2009 record 8-8

Division 4-2
Sleeper – I don’t know of any sleeper candidates in Carolina, maybe Home 5-3
next year. Away 3-5
Keeper – Jimmy Clausen, if you want to use the last pick of the draft, Prediction 7-9
go right ahead. Bye week 6
Bleeper – F@!% Steve Smith, not because I don’t like Steve Smith, but
much like Calvin Johnson last year, who will be throwing him the ball?

The Panthers got a rare deal picking up their QB of the future in the middle of the second round of
the draft, and with their ridiculously talented running duo, they might be able to start Jimmy
Clausen right away with success much like the Falcons, Ravens and Jets have in the past couple
years. Here’s the problem, Carolina had DeAngelo Williams and Jonathon Stewart last year and
could only manage an 8-8 record. No, Delhomme didn’t help them with his INT happy ways or arm-
flinging temper tantrums, but can Matt Moore or Clausen do any better? Also note that the big time
free agent available was long-time Panther DE Julius Peppers, which would make this a big time loss
from their defense. So here is how I would play this fantasy wise. Draft Williams as a top RB and
handcuff him with Stewart. You might have to grab them high, but these two are risk and reward
depending who the stud is from week to week. Take Steve Smith with confidence but leave the
other Carolina WRs alone. If you are in a keeper league and want to take a shot at Clausen in the
late round, it might pay off. I am not going to draft their defense or kicker and you probably
shouldn’t either.

17
NFC SOUTH 2010

NEW ORLEANS SAINTS 2009 record 13-3

Division 4-2
Sleeper – I don’t know if you could call anyone in this offense a Home 6-2
Away 7-1
sleeper.
Prediction 11-5
Keeper - Jimmy Graham, the rookie TE might be Shockey’s Bye week 10
replacement.
Bleeper - F@!% Jeremy Shockey, he is an unpredictable option at TE
despite an awesome passing attack.

It’s hard not to be a Saints fan. NFL fans around the world rallied around the city after Katrina and
this has had a lasting effect on the team. Then you’ve got the franchise QB who had a busted up
shoulder and was replaced by a young gun (not that the Chargers did bad with Rivers) and he has
become the heart of the city. Add on top of that an energetic young coach, a highly potent
offense and an opportunistic defense and you’ve got the Super Bowl champions. The Ain’ts are
gone and the Saints have arrived. Drew Brees will have another year as a top 3 QB. Amazingly,
Brees doesn’t have one go-to receiver. Yes, Marques Colston is great but Devry Henderson and
Robert Meachem have big play potential as well. Jeremy Shockey is hit or miss from week to week
and RBs Pierre Thomas and Reggie Bush both take turns in the starring role. The defense was one
of the top scoring units and will be top in the league again. Look for Garrett Hartley to be a top
kicker as well. Provided that the Saints can avoid the let down they had after making the NFC
Championship game in 2007, they’ll be the team to beat in 2010.

TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS 2009 record 3-13

Division 1-5
nd
Sleeper – Josh Freeman, the 2 year QB is super athletic and they Home 1-7
drafted 2 good WRs to grow with him. Away 2-6
Keeper – Arrelious Benn, his combo with Freeman is going to be Prediction 6-10
exciting to watch. Bye week 4
Bleeper – F@!% the RBs, Tampa’s ground game is going to be just as
unpredictable as last year.

Does anyone else wish the Buccaneers who revert back to their creamsicle uniforms with the guy
with the feather in his hat?... just me huh? Nothing says fear like an Errol Flynn mustache and a
knife in your teeth. Odd that the only teams they scared last year where two of the best. Their
offense showed signs of life under new QB Josh Freeman. He beat the Packers and the Saints. At
6’6, 250 lbs. he looks to be the real deal. If you are in a league that starts 2 QBs, he could be a steal
in the later rounds. He should be good value in keeper leagues too. I would also look to WR
Arrelious Benn to have a good rookie year. The rest of the offense is questionable. Cadillac
Williams has made a nice comeback from his injuries but isn’t consistent. Derrick Ward was given a
big contract only to see his carries and production fall. And Ernest Graham has taken a back seat.
The team didn’t bring back Antonio Bryant. They are left with unreliable WRs Michael Clayton and
Reggie Brown. Kellen Winslow had a decent year with 77 receptions and 5 TDs. He should surpass
that in 2010. Don’t bother looking at their defense or kicker until they can prove value.

18
NFC WEST 2010

ARIZONA CARDINALS 2009 record 10-6

Division 4-2
Sleeper – Steve Breaston, will be the new Boldin and that’s good. Home 4-4
Away 6-2
Keeper – Early Doucet, he has been turning a lot of heads in the
Prediction 7-9
offseason. Bye week 6
Bleeper – F@!% the QBs, Matt Leinart, AJ Feely and Derek Anderson
are hardly fantasy studs and the Cards are going to have a rough
season because of it.

A year removed from the Super Bowl and the Cards go 10-6. Take away 2 wins for losing Kurt
nd
Warner and another for losing Anquan Boldin. Boldin’s loss hurts but they do have a good 2
receiver in Steve Breaston. They also lost Karlos Dansby but added rookie run-stopping rookie Dan
Williams. All in all, I think 7-9 might even end up being generous. Matt Leinart hasn’t proven
anything yet. Yes Larry Fitzgerald is the best receiver in the league and has been a monster, with
Warner. Boldin was the same, with Warner. Breaston was a big contributor, with Warner. Timmy
Hightower and Chris Wells found some running lanes last year, with Warner. One of the biggest
questions coming in to the new season will be how much to teams need to respect Leinart’s ability,
or how do they pressure him into mistakes and stack the lines against the run. Yes, Fitz will get his
numbers because he is that good and will go up and get whatever ballz are in the area, but will they
be the same without their future HOF QB, doubtful. I would hold off on drafting their defense and
kicker too. You can pick them up after a couple weeks if they deserve it.

ST. LOUIS RAMS 2009 record 1-15

Division 0-6
Home 0-8
Sleeper – Everybody except Steven Jackson is sleeping.
Away 1-7
Keeper – Sam Bradford, the kid has a lot of potential as soon as there
Prediction 5-11
is someone to throw to. Bye week 9
Bleeper – Cursing a Ram would be like picking on the midget at school
who lost a leg in a train wreck but still wants to go out for the
basketball team.

So the Rams have one player worth talking about, but that won’t fill my word quota. So let’s talk
about how ridiculous it is right now that kids toys are all made out of plastic. My favorite toys
growing up were big ole Tonka trucks that were made of metal and would rust when we left them
out in the rain and if you so happened to cut yourself, you’d go get a shot. Then I had the original
Voltron toy, again made of metal and parts that would fly off. Small enough to swallow, sure! But
who puts a lion’s head in their mouth… twice? And an added benefit that you could beat the crap
out of anyone with the toy if they tried to steal it from you… Ok, fine. Draft Steven Jackson as your
#1 RB, he’s a risk with his health, but all top RBs are. He catches a lot of ballz, so added value in PPR
leagues. I don’t care who starts at QB, they won’t do well. Sam Bradford might be worth a late
round in keeper leagues. The Rams don’t have any WRs worthy of drafting, nor TEs, nor their D, nor
th
their kicker. If you want a super comatose pick, go with their most experienced WR, 4 year
Laurent Robinson.

19
NFC WEST 2010
SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS 2009 record 8-8
Division 5-1
Sleeper – Michael Crabtree, you can get him later than the big boys and Home 6-2
he has top 10 WR potential. Away 2-6
Prediction 11-5
Keeper – Anthony Dixon, he might take over the #2 RB spot and be a
Bye week 9
goal line carrying thief.
Bleeper – F@!% Ted Ginn Jr., you’ll see 49er fans… you’ll see.

Did anyone else think that Mike Singletary was actually going to stay the coach of the 49ers after
he was given interim coach status a couple years back? Then he ripped Vernon Davis a new one on
the sideline before sending him to the locker room in the middle of a game. Then he fired offensive
guru, Mike Martz. Talk about ballz. This guy coaches like he played and that says a lot. Oh yeah and
Davis came back to have his best season of his career and finally lived up to all the hype. Then the
Michael Crabtree hold out which could have easily ended as poorly as the Jamarcus Russell hold
out has ended (ie, with his ousting). But Crabtree actually came out and played for Singletary and
signs point to him having a good season too. Add Frank Gore to this mix and Singletary’s
commitment to the run and we’ve got a contender here. Also note that they drafted 240 lbs RB
Anthony Dixon to punch teams in the mother f-ing mouth. The QB situation is a bit questionable
and I don’t expect Alex Smith to be a viable fantasy QB in standard leagues. He’ll have value in
double QB leagues and as a bye week hole plugger. Please notice I am not talking about Ted Ginn,
and neither should you. The 49ers defense is one of the best in the league, so feel free to draft
them late (where all defenses should be drafted).

SEATTLE SEAHAWKS 2009 Record 5-11

Division 3-3
Home 4-4
Sleeper – T.J. Houshmandzadeh, he has the chance return to his glory Away 1-7
days with Pete Carroll running the show. Prediction 6-10
Keeper – Golden Tate has a real shot at being a possession receiver Bye week 5
here in the coming years.
Bleeper – F@!% LenDale White, ok so he has been cut already, but
what a fall from grace this kid had.

The Seahawks have had a lot of changes in the past couple years and their fantasy prospects have
just as many questions as their roster. Matt Hasselback isn’t bad, but isn’t great and Petey Carroll
paid a lot to get Charlie Whitehurst in there for the future. With some draft day savvy, they picked
up Leon Washington who will challenge Justin Forsett for carries. And I have a feeling the running
game is about to get better with their addition of O-line coach Alex Gibbs. He designed the Broncos
zone blocking and has success wherever he goes. T.J. Houshmandzadeh went from being a fantasy
and PPR stud to mediocre in Seattle. Carroll might use him better than Jim Mora did, but then again
they went out and drafted Golden Tate who plays that same slot position where the Housh was so
successful. In my drafts, I am going to take Leon Washington if he is available in the mid-late
rounds. He is explosive and I think it was silly for the Jets to give him up. Housh is solid and I will use
him as a #2 WR if I can get him. Tate I may look at for my keeper leagues but I also like Deon Butler
rd
who is going in to his 3 year as a WR. Granted, someone needs to get these receivers the ball, and
we’ll see if that happens in 2010. I am not touching their defense or kicker either.

20
Quarterbacks Running backs Wide receivers
Aaron Rodgers GB 10 Chris Johnson TEN 9 Andre Johnson HOU 7
Drew Brees NO 10 Adrian Peterson MIN 4 Reggie Wayne IND 7
Peyton Manning IND 7 Ray Rice BAL 8 Randy Moss NE 8
Tom Brady NE 5 Maurice Jones-Drew JAX 9 Calvin Johnson DET 7
Philip Rivers SD 10 Steven Jackson STL 9 Larry Fitzgerald ARZ 6
Tony Romo DAL 4 Frank Gore SF 9 Brandon Marshall MIA 5
Matt Schaub HOU 7 Michael Turner ATL 8 Miles Austin DAL 4
Brett Favre (pending) MIN 4 Ryan Grant GB 10 Greg Jennings GB 10
Donovan McNabb WAS 9 Shonne Green NYJ 7 DeSean Jackson PHI 8
Jay Cutler CHI 8 Rashard Mendenhall PIT 8 Sidney Rice MIN 4
Kevin Kolb PHI 8 DeAngelo Williams CAR 6 Anquan Boldin BAL 8
Matt Ryan ATL 8 Jamaal Charles KC 4 Wes Welker** NE 8
Eli Manning NYG 8 Ryan Mathews SD 10 Steve Smith** NYG 8
Carson Palmer CIN 6 Ronnie Brown MIA 5 Roddy White ATL 8
Joe Flacco BAL 8 Jonathan Stewart CAR 6 Marques Colston NO 10
Chad Henne MIA 5 Joseph Addai IND 7 Steve Smith CAR 6
Vince Young TEN 9 Fred Jackson BUF 6 Hines Ward PIT 5
Matt Leinart ARZ 6 LeSean McCoy PHI 8 Chad Ochocinco CIN 6
Matt Stafford DET 7 Cedric Benson CIN 6 T.J. Houshmandzadeh SEA 5
Matt Hasselbeck SEA 5 Chester Taylor CHI 8 Dwayne Bowe KC 4
Alex Smith SF 9 Felix Jones DAL 4 Michael Crabtree SF 9
Mark Sanchez NYJ 7 Jahvid Best DET 7 Donald Driver GB 10
Matt Moore CAR 6 Knowshon Moreno** DEN 9 Eddie Royal DEN 9
David Garrard JAX 9 Ricky Williams MIA 5 Percy Harvin MIN 4
Josh Freeman TB 4 Marshawn Lynch BUF 6 Mike Sims-Walker JAX 9
Jason Campbell OAK 10 Marion Barber DAL 4 Santana Moss WAS 9
Kyle Orton DEN 9 Justin Forsett SEA 5 Derrick Mason BAL 8
Ben Roethlisberger* PIT 8 Brandon Jacobs NYG 8 Jeremy Maclin PHI 8
Jake Delhomme CLE 8 Matt Forte CHI 8 Vincent Jackson* SD 10
Sam Bradford STL 9 Ahmad Bradshaw NYG 8 Roy Williams DAL 4
Matt Cassel KC 4 Montario Hardesty CLE 8 Pierre Garcon IND 7
Trent Edwards BUF 6 Pierre Thomas NO 10 Steve Breaston ARZ 6
*suspended 4-6 games for being a douche Darren Sproles SD 10 Mike Wallace PIT 5
Jerome Harrison CLE 8 Malcom Floyd SD 10
Tight ends Chris Wells ARZ 6 Terrell Owens CIN 6
Dallas Clark IND 7 Donald Brown IND 7 Mario Manningham NYG 8
Vernon Davis SF 9 Willis McGahee BAL 8 Robert Meachem NO 10
Antonio Gates SD 10 Darren McFadden OAK 10 Devin Hester CHI 8
Brent Celek PHI 8 Clinton Portis WAS 9 Dez Bryant** DAL 4
Jason Witten DAL 4 Cadillac Williams TB 4 Devin Aromashodu CHI 8
Owen Daniels HOU 7 Reggie Bush NO 10 Braylon Edwards NYJ 7
Tony Gonzalez ATL 8 Tim Hightower ARZ 6 Hakeem Nicks NYG 8
Chris Cooley WAS 9 Brian Westbrook FREE AGENT Austin Collie IND 7
Jermichael Finley GB 10 Arian Foster HOU 7 Davone Bess MIA 5
Kellen Winslow TB 4 Thomas Jones KC 4 Santonio Holmes* NYJ 7
Zach Miller OAK 10 LaDainian Tomlinson NYJ 7 Patrick Crayton DAL 4
Visanthe Siancoe MIN 4 Jerious Norwood ATL 8 Kevin Walter HOU 7
Heath Miller PIT 8 Correll Buckhalter** DEN 9 Nate Washington TEN 9
John Carlson SEA 5 Leonard Weaver PHI 8 Lee Evans BUF 6
Todd Heap BAL 8 Michael Bush OAK 10 Anthony Gonzalez IND 7
Greg Olsen CHI 8 Bernard Scott CIN 6 Devery Henderson NO 10
Jeremy Shockey NO 10 Ben Tate HOU 7 Jerricho Cotchery NYJ 7
Kevin Boss NYG 8 Toby Gerhart MIN 4 Chris Chambers KC 4
Dustin Keller NYJ 7 Larry Johnson WAS 9 Louis Murphy OAK 10
Brandon Pettigrew DET 7 Kevin Smith DET 7 Derious Heywood-Bey OAK 10
Bo Scaife TEN 9 Steve Slaton HOU 7 James Jones GB 10
Marcedes Lewis JAX 9 Laurence Maroney NE 8 Nate Burleson DET 7
Ben Watson CLE 8 Tashard Choice DAL 4 Bernard Berrian MIN 4
Tony Scheffler DET 7 Derrick Ward TB 4 Antonio Bryant** CIN 6
Anthony Fasano MIA 5 Mewelde Moore PIT 8 Donnie Avery STL 9
Daniel Fells STL 9 Brandon Jackson GB 10 Greg Camarillo MIA 5
Jermaine Gresham CIN 6 Javon Ringer TEN 9 Brandon Lloyd DEN 9
Tony Moeaki KC 4 Rashard Jennings JAX 9 Muhsin Muhammad CAR 6

21
Arrelious Benn TB 4 Defenses
Legedu Naanee SD 10 New York Jets 7
Demaryius Thomas DEN 7 Green Bay Packers 10 SPONSOR’S CORNERS
Jacoby Jones HOU 7 San Francisco 49ers 9
Kenny Britt TEN 9 Philadelphia Eagles 8 These lists are sponsored by women who
Josh Morgan SF 9 Baltimore Ravens 8 put kittens between their breasts.
Tory Holt NE 7 New Orleans Saints 10
Michael Jenkins ATL 8 Minnesota Vikings 4
Laveranues Coles CIN 6 Carolina Panthers 6
Jason Avant PHI 8 Dallas Cowboys 4
Mike Thomas JAX 9 San Diego Chargers 10
Julian Edelman NE 8 Cincinnati Bengals 6
Earl Bennett CHI 8 New England Patriots 5
Jabar Gaffney DEN 9 Pittsburgh Steelers 5
Early Doucet ARZ 6 Houston Texans 7
Brandon Gibson STL 9 Denver Broncos 9
Bobby Wade KC 4 Miami Dolphins 5
Ted Ginn SF 9 Buffalo Bills 6
Johnny Knox CHI 8 Arizona Cardinals 6
Mohamed Massaquoi CLE 8 Indianapolis Colts 7
Deion Branch SEA 5 Atlanta Falcons 8
Mark Clayton BAL 8 Tampa Bay Buccaneers 4
Josh Cribbs CLE 8 Chicago Bears 8
Antwaan Randle-El WAS 9 Cleveland Browns 8
Bryant Johnson DET 7 New York Giants 8
Andre Caldwell CIN 6 Tennessee Titans 9
Justin Gage TEN 9 Washington Redskins 9
Dexter McCluster KC 4 Seattle Seahawks 5
Mike Williams TB 4 Kansas City Chiefs 4
Brian Hartline MIA 5 Oakland Raiders 10
Jordy Nelson GB 10 Jacksonville Jaguars 9
Golden Tate SEA 5 St. Louis Rams 9
Devin Thomas WAS 9 Detroit Lions 7
* a-holes got suspended
** might suck due to injury Top Receiving backs for PPR leagues
Ray Rice BAL 8
Kickers Chris Johnson TEN 9
Nate Kaeding SD 10 Adrian Peterson MIN 4
David Akers PHI 8 Steven Jackson STL 9
Adam Vinatieri IND 7 Maurice Jones-Drew JAX 9
Garrett Hartley NO 10 Ryan Matthews SD 10
Ryan Longwell MIN 4 Frank Gore SF 9
Rob Bironas TEN 9 DeAngelo Williams CAR 6
Mason Crosby GB 10 LeSean McCoy PHI 8
Stephen Gostkowski NE 8 Jamaal Charles KC 4
Jay Feely ARZ 6 Tim Hightower ARZ 6
David Buehler DAL 4 Justin Forsett SEA 5
Kris Brown HOU 7 Ronnie Brown MIA 6
Lawrence Tynes NYG 8 Ryan Grant GB 10
Dave Rayner CIN 6 Reggie Bush NO 10
Jeff Reed PIT 5 Rashard Mendenhall PIT 5
Sebastian Janikowski OAK 10 Jahvid Best DET 7
Dan Carpenter MIA 5 Cedric Benson CIN 6
Matt Prater DEN 9 Joseph Addai IND 7
Robbie Gould CHI 8 Steve Slaton HOU 7
Rian Lindell BUF 6 Matt Forte CHI 8
Jason Hanson DET 7 Fred Jackson BUF 6
Matt Bryant ATL 8 Darren Sproles SD 10
Joe Nedney SF 9 Felix Jones DAL 4
John Kasay CAR 6 Ricky Williams MIA 5
Rian Lindell BUF 6 Pierre Thomas NO 10
Olindo Mare SEA 5 Kevin Faulk NE 8
Josh Brown STL 9 Chester Taylor CHI 8
Graham Gano WAS 9 Darren McFadden OAK 10

22
 AVOID STDs!
There is nothing worse than an STD. There are many symptoms and repercussions from STDs. Some people break out in hives, some
wake up night with the cold sweats, and some get itchy in sensitive areas. There are many ways to avoid such unpleasantness. You
need to take the necessary steps to avoid an STD, especially if you have paid for said services. Arm yourself with the knowledge and
equipment you need to avoid a Super Terrible Draft.

Ok I will acknowledge that this is a juvenile play on acronyms, but think of the similarities! Sexual transmitted diseases are
uncomfortable just like logging on to your fantasy football site for the first time and seeing your crap collection of players after a
super terrible draft. Chlamydia, Gonorrhea, Syphilis and bad drafting can be excruciatingly painful! Here are some tips for sex and
drafting that can help you avoid STDs.

General Precautions
Buy condoms! You can’t use what you don’t have.
Do you fantasy football homework. Fantasyballz.com can help!
Do your own mock draft and see where you project players
Pay attention to who your competition is. Do they have a favorite team/player? Do the typically draft QBs early? Do they
have any keepers who will dictate how they draft?
Identify your sleepers and where you would gamble to take them.
Eat a corndog, they are good for you.
Recognize what teams you want to avoid (ie: Raiders, Bills, Seahawks) and who would you be willing to make an exception
th
for (ie: Darren McFadden, Fred Jackson or TJ Houshmandzadeh in the 5 round?)
Print an updated injury report the day of your draft

Game Time
Pick up some beer on the way to your draft. Don’t drink before drafting! Drunk drafts go bad and you might end up taking
st rd th
Michael Vick in the 1 , 3 and 12 rounds.
Get your cheat sheets out and double check you have your preferences highlighted.
Pay attention to bye weeks. Either spread the bye weeks out OR draft a ton of players with the same week off and just
know you will lose that week.
Look for draft patterns. If a string of WRs have just been taken, you know that teams will be looking to draft more RBs and
QBs the next round.
Don’t wait too long on your handcuff players, especially if you have an injury prone RB.
Slip a laxative into your buddy’s beer who drafts before you. The runs are really distracting!
nd st
Avoid the crap offenses! Better to take a gamble on a 2 receiver from a good offense than the 1 receiver on a crap
offense.
Don’t draft anyone whose name start with “T” and rhymes with Sneebow.
Don’t be a fool, wrap your tool.

The Morning After

Turning a condom inside out to reuse, does NOT work.
Don’t get too attached to your team. Some of the best trades happen in pre-season.
Once your team is uploaded, take a look compared to other teams. Look for bargain trades if a team is missing a starting RB
and you have 3, what can you get?
Always start your studs. Looking at matchups in fantasy football will lose you more games than win.

SPONSOR’S CORNER – STDs are brought to you by skanks (be careful!)

23
 INTERVIEW WITH A HOT CHICK
After a very questionable interview with fantasy champion Boris van Dikzak and a pending lawsuit, we decided to give our chief
interviewer Caleb “Doucher” McGee a second chance. He sat down with a fantasy football guru Alyson Jolicul.

Q: Well hello there. Aren’t you gorgeous?

A: Aw, you are too sweet. Thanks. SPONSOR’S CORNER

Q: What do you say after this interview, you and I go out on the town? This interview has been brought to you by the
A: I don’t know what my boyfriend would think about that, but I am reason every guy wants to go to Oktoberfest
happy to do the interview.

Q: Ok, question 1: Are you hating the player, or hating the game?
A: Um, neither. And I will assume you mean fantasy football since that
is why I am here. And I love the game, especially since it is such a
predominately male game as a woman I get underestimated a lot.

Q: So you like being surrounded by men?

A: Well that is just the way it is in this game. I do like to play with girls
too. I belong to one all-female league, and they are very smart
drafters. They aren’t focused on players that are on their favorite
team. I am a die-hard Eagles fan, but will I pick Desean Jackson ahead
of Larry Fitzgerald, of course not. Even though the Eagles will
dominate this year. I will be keeping my eye on the Kolb/Celek duo.
Those guys are in for some big numbers.

Q: …
A: Are you ok, you are getting all pale and sweaty.

Q: Sorry, you like to play with girls too?

A: What? Yeah, fantasy football.

Q: I heard fantasy and ballz.

A: I didn’t say ballz!

Q: Sure you didn’t *wink*. But listen, what would you say to all the guys out there who wanted your phone number?
A: I would say I have a boyfriend. He is very big and very jealous.

Q: And your number?

A: … ugh… (long pause and awkward stare) Fine, its 502-376-271

Q: Um… you are missing a number.

A: Sorry, its 11.

Q: Sweet.
A: (rolls eyes)

Q: Our football blog: www.fantasyballz.com has a section called “Just the Tip”.
A: Was that a question?

Q: Would you like it to be?

A: (puzzled) That doesn’t make sense. And I am leaving now.

Q: Ok, I’ll call you!

24
 SLEEPERS AND KEEPERS
Sleepers
Kevin Kolb – Call me crazy but there seems to be a recipe for
success to easing quarterbacks into their roles. Look at Aaron
Rodgers, Philip Rivers and Tony Romo. They all rode the pine and
were thrown into the huddle with uber-talented playmakers. Yes,
you can argue the case of Peyton Manning’ rookie campaign, but
he’s the exception, not the rule. Kolb is going to be a top QB, and
you heard it here first! (Unless you have read other fantasy mags
or blogs, because he is a pretty consensus sleeper pick).

Chad Henne – Henne also had time to learn under Pennington

before being thrust into his starting role last year. He responded
with mediocre overall numbers with sparks of brilliance. Add a
motivated Brandon Marshall to this mix along with a top-rated
running game and you have a QB who is going to find some
nd
holes. Draft him as your 2 QB and then look to trade one of them to fill other holes in your roster.

Ahmad Bradshaw – The Gmen saw what Brandon Jacobs can do as a starting and full-time RB last year, and that’s getting injured.
Jacobs success comes at the end of the game as a bruiser back and we expect him to return to that role this year. Jacobs averaged
3.7 yards in 224 attempts, which was down from his 5.0 ypc in 219 attempts in 2008 when he was teamed up with Derrick Ward. It
was the first year of his 5 year career where his attempts went up and his production went down. Now look at Bradshaw’s stats, 4.8
ypc on 163 attempts last year. Bradshaw should be much more active in the backfield and top the 1000-yard mark this season.

Jahvid Best – Yes he is a Lion, and yes you should still draft him. With all the rookie talk surrounding Ryan Mathews, Best often gets
overlooked. If he isn’t the starter at the beginning of the season, he will be by the end. Defenses are going to focus on the Drew and
Calvin show and that should allow Best to have a better than average inaugural year.

Devin Aromashodu – Some receiver has to benefit from the Martz/Cutler combo and Aromashodu was targeted more than any Bear
down the stretch. Matter of fact, he was a top 5 receiver in the final couple games of the season. With Martz’s affinity of not using
TEs, watch Aromashodu blossom in a go-to role.

Derrick Mason – I am oddly high on the Raven’s offense this year and I think Mason is going to be the surprise in the bunch.
Everyone expects big things out of Ray Rice and Anquan Boldin, but the truth is that 8 of the past 9 season, Mason has gone over
1000 yards and that was with no supporting cast. I think Mason has one or two more solid years in him and he is going to be worth a
mid to late-round flyer.

Eddie Royal – With Brandon Marshall gone, Mr. Royal should step up in the leading role. Is Kyle Orton or any other Bronco QB good,
not really, but the ball has to go somewhere and with the points that this team gives up they will have to air it out a lot. With some
focus, he might be able to eclipse his 91 rec. 980 yard rookie year.

Mike Wallace – Santonio Holmes’ douchebaggery catapulted Wallace into fantasy relevance. Hines Ward will still be the possession
guy, but Wallace will be stretching the field. Add the fact that Limas Sweed won’t start the season healthy. With his nose for the end
zone Wallace’s name will get called in to the huddle more often and you will be able to get him in the mid to late rounds of your
draft.

Chris Cooley – Whether it was Brent Celek or L.J. Smith, Donovan McNabb does well getting the ball to his tight ends. The Redskins
don’t have as many options at WRs as the Eagles did, so I am expecting a career year out of Cooley. Draft him late and watch him
become a high-end fantasy starter.

Nick Folk – haha, just joking, he is terrible.

25
 SLEEPERS AND KEEPERS
Keepers
Fred Jackson – yes I know in every other piece of this magazine Bills players have been
berated, but we are in the keeper section people and if there is one person who is worthy of SPONSOR’S CORNER
some looks in the long term it is Fred Jackson. He averaged 4.5 yards behind a disastrous
offensive line. Marshawn Lynch is one prostitute/drug/speeding related slip up to be out of Sleepers and Keepers has
the NFL and CJ Spiller isn’t the next Adrian Peterson, he is the next Reggie Bush. been brought to you by the
rope in gym class, he says
Ben Tate – Little man Tate is going to be jumping in to a role that was virtually handed to that he is sorry.
Steve Slaton until he caught the dreaded disease of Fumbleitis. Yes, he was given a shot of
penicillin and no, it did not help. The Texans are looking for a stud RB to take the team on his
shoulders and with Andre Johnson lingering out on the edges, teams just can’t stack the box
against the Texans. If Tate is available in the mid-rounds of your draft, I would say take a
shot.

Pierre Garcon – What is it with these Colts identifying and grooming talent?! Marvin
Harrison was as good as it got, especially having Reggie Wayne on the other side of the field.
Now they have a mix of Anthony Gonzalez, Austin Collie and Garcon too. I think the Colts got
a good feel for Garcon could do in the postseason when he had 21 grabs for 250+ yards. He
is the quickest second option out there and will utilize his talents even more and more just
like they have done with Wayne’s transition to awesomeness.

Jermaine Gresham – Carson Palmer’s best years were with Chad Johnson (not the Ocho) and
TJ Houshmandzadeh. He had two very talented receivers and the passing game flourished. A
big knee injury and free agency broke up the squad and the Bengals have been trying to find
that second option ever since. Don’t be fooled, T.O. might get some looks this year, but that
is a one year contract for this 36 year old. Now we look at the success of receiving tight ends
in the past couple of years and it’s no wonder Cincy wants to jump on the band wagon.
Gresham is a big, fast target. They may not fully utilize him this year, but he should begin to
establish himself as a mainstay in the coming years.

Josh Freeman & Arrelious Benn – Why are these guys linked? Well for two reasons. A) Each
of their success is highly dependent on other. Benn will surely be taken at some point in all
drafts, but Freeman will likely be there are the last pick in the draft unless your league starts
two QBs. B) If you are able to secure both of these players you could have a rockin’ combo
heading into the next couple of seasons.

Malcom Floyd – This San Diego receiver has the most to gain from Vincent Jackson’s
contract and suspension debacles. He showed some good potential gaining over 250 yards in
his last three regular season games and as Rivers showed last year, he knows how to air out
the ball. With Floyd’s deep threat potential and Jackson’s dbag potential, this could be a
recipe for stardom. Floyd should likely fly under the radar on draft day, so go ahead and take
a shot on him. He could be a sleeper this year and a keeper next year if Jackson holds out
and tests the open market.

Dez Bryant – With Dez’s recent high ankle sprain, he is likely going to slip in the drafts. There
is a good possibility that he will be around in the mid to later rounds provided you aren’t
drafting with any Cowboy fans. Soon Jerry Jones is going to figure out that Roy Williams just
isn’t worth what they gave up to get him and he will be either traded or cut. The future of
the WR2 spot next to Austin Miles is Bryants to lose.

26
DRAFT SHEETS

27
DRAFT SHEETS

28
Offense
ALL TOON TEAM

I originally made a list consisting of all of the best players in the NFL at each position, then I heard that some joker named John
Madden already does that! So my next best option was to design an awesome video game that ranks all of the players’ skills and
puts them through a season and keeps tons of stats and stuff, and then I found out that this mother f-er Madden had done that too!
So I went down to New Orleans, had lunch with Drew Brees and Harry Connick Jr., and visited a voodoo princess who put a hex on
this Madden character and any player that graces the cover of this little “video game”.

After balling my eyes out, eating a three course meal of chex mix, marshmallows and flax seed, I sat down and watched a 48-hour
cartoon channel marathon, and I came up with a brilliant idea! What if I became a cartoon character and could grow huge muscles
and get pianos dropped on my head and make the entire world smile with the wonderment of ten thousand rainbows. And you
know what I said to myself next? … I said, “self, stop doing f-ing mushrooms!” The following is what occurred in my dizzy recovery.

I decided to put together an American football team complete with the cartoon characters with the most potential for greatness. Did
I make some questionable choices? Yes. Is anyone else bored enough to take the time to do this? Probably not. But if we exit the
world of reality, I bet my team would kick that All-Madden team’s ass! I will post this on the www.fantasyballz.com blog sometime
to give people the chance to disagree. Note that I left out comic super heroes, because we all know that they are actually real and
their existence is just a government cover up. Happy reading.

Coach – Mr. Magoo (Mr. Magoo) It doesn’t matter what this guy does, he always wins.

OFFENSE
Quarterback – Freddy Jones (Scooby Doo), he always leads the gang to victory and can thwart any defensive scheme with his
mystery-solving skills.

Fullback – Ram Man (Masters of the Universe), this guy will lower his head and run through the walls of Grayskull for extra yardage.

Running back – Casper (Casper the Friendly Ghost), who better to have at RB than a small, quick sucker who literally runs through
opponents?

Right Tackle – Bluto (Popeye), provided the defense isn’t eating spinach, he is one tough mother f-er.

Right Guard – Shrek (Shrek) A massive green monster who gets really pissed when other fictional characters enter his territory.

Center – Donkey Kong (Donkey Kong) This Jeff Saturday look alike is a BEAST in the middle of the line.

Left Guard – Rocksteady (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles) A 6’8”, 540-pound rhinoceros whose only job is to shell shock the hell out
of you.

Left Tackle – Goliath (Gargoyles) he is fast, smart and has a wicked temper, oh yeah, and built like a rock… or of rock.

Tight End – Magilla Gorilla (The Magilla Gorilla Show) He played fullback for Pennsyltucky Lions once but got beat out by Ram Man
on this team. Still, he is a force to be reckoned with.

Slot Receiver – Peter Pan (Peter Pan) He is small, fast and can really fly, really.

Wide Receiver – Genie (Aladdin) He is a big target who magically gets behind defenders.

29
 ALL TOON TEAM
DEFENSE
Nose Tackle – Fat Albert (Fat Albert) He plugs up the A and B gap by just standing there. Hey hey hey!

Defensive end – Gaston (Beauty and the Beast) As a specimen, yes he’s intimidating.

Defensive end – Launchpad McQuack (DuckTales) He crashes into everything, including opposing QBs.

Outside Linebacker – Shere Khan (The Jungle Book) He’s quick and has cat-like reflexes. I guess it’s not “cat-LIKE” just regular cat
reflexes.

Outside Linebacker – Panthro (Thundercats) What can I say, oversized cats that can talk make excellent outside linebackers and this
guy is tough as nails.

Middle Linebacker – Bam Bam Rubble (Flintstones) This is obviously the older version of the Rubble child who picks up cars and
smashes opponents in the mouth.

Middle Linebacker – Sully (Monsters Inc.), he’s a gentle giant when babysitting, but come game time can really scare the crap out of
the other team.

Corner – Snake Eyes (G.I. Joe) Being an expert in covert operations, he can easily hide coverages. Also he is a hand-to-hand combat
expert so great at jamming WRs at the line.

Corner – Hobbes (Calvin & Hobbes) Some people might call him soft, but have you seen the way this cat tackles Calvin when he
comes home from school? He’s a hitter.

Free Safety – Mighty Mouse (The Adventures of Mighty Mouse) He’s not the ideal size and has been accused of, and taken off the
air, for sniffing cocaine, but he packs a punch!

Strong Safety – Tasmanian Devil (Looney Toons) He is a destructive force in the middle of the field.

SPECIAL TEAMS

Kick Return – Roadrunner (Warner Brothers) He will run to the one-yard line and stick out his tongue to
mock you. Beep beep!

Punt Return – Spencer “Dash” Fox (The Incredibles) He is tiny but even instant replay couldn’t catch him.

Kicker – Charlie Brown (Peanuts) This poor kid just deserves a chance to actually kick the ball.

Punter – Gumby (Gumby) Punting is all about leg extension and who has better than this guy?

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 BLOG TOPICS – www.fantasyballz.com

Well hello there and welcome to Fantasy Ballz, your completely partial and inappropriate
“news” provider for anything that is remotely fantasy football related. Here is a look at some SPONSOR’S CORNER
of the topics that we are going to be covering from week to week on our blog.
This article has been
Just the Tip brought to you by
Let’s see, you have your permanent penetrators like MJD, Wayne, Brees and Clark; but what monkeys and bananas.
about the guys who need a little bit of consideration? Maybe you want to put them in, just to
see how it goes... just a little bit to test it out, you know, to see how it feels. Maybe you'll like
it and keep them there, or maybe it will feel yucky (or more likely a better option will come
around). Note I am going to talk about players that you might actually consider benching, not
tips like "start Peyton Manning and Adrian Peterson". If you ever bench those players, you are
a moron and should move on to another fantasy sport site like doucheballz.com. (Please don’t
go to that site, I don’t know if I would trust something called doucheballz) Just the Tip!

Preseason Just the Tip:

Want to wait on drafting a QB? Carson Palmer will be around in the middle of the draft and
has a lot of potential this year.

Plug it Up
Got some holes in your line-up from week to week? Bye weeks happen and you will have to
make some temporary changes. You need a plug! Now there are various types of plugs you
can use depending on what you are willing to pay for them and how big your leak is. Some
plugs do the job week in and week out, others are a bit painful and you should avoid them if
you can. Which players are Imodium caliber plugs, and which ones are butt plugs?

Preseason Plugs: Brees, Rodgers, and Rivers have week 10 bye weeks. If you want a plug, look
at Alex Smith playing at home against the Rams.

Walk of Shame
Ok so we all have done it right? The infamous "Walk of Shame". You got a little too excited
(even if you don't remember) and did something you regretted. It wasn't probably wasn't the
worst decision you have ever made but admitting it requires a little humility and perhaps
some penicillin. Isn't it amazing how many fantasy football shows and articles and advice are
thrown out there every week, and experts are so quick so say I told you so when they get picks
right. Yet who "mans up" and holds themselves accountable for their shit picks? While I
usually have more good advice than crappy, I dare say that I will.

2009 Season Walk of Shame:

Before last year’s draft I was really high on Leon Washington. I said he was going to be “the
shit” in NYC… turns out he was just plain ole shit, broke a leg and got traded. It happens.

Bubble Busts
In this section we will take a look at some of the players to avoid. Again, these aren't no
brainers like don’t start the Lions defense against New Orleans, or at least that should be a no
brainer and if it isn't, I am sure Sesame Street or some other sites have very intelligent
programming for you to learn from. Grover is a wizard with that “Near… Far” shit.

Preseason Bubble Busts:

Some people are picking Matt Moore as a sleeper pick, I think his bubble burst when they
drafted Jimmy Clausen.

In addition to these weekly crowd pleasing blog topics we will also spend time writing articles that are entertaining and accurate…
but mostly entertaining. Thanks for reading and we’ll see you online! www.fantasyballz.com

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