PLAY #11

PROTEST: A COMEDY
Written by
Joseph Frost

Draft
8/11/17

written as part of the 2017 31 Plays in 31 Days challenge

FrostJosephD@gmail.com
Member, Dramatists Guild of America
 Kevin and Ben walk on stage. Ben has a large canvas bag.

KEVIN
I really appreciate you taking me on a little get-away, Ben. It means a lot to me.

BEN
I know its been a hard couple months.

KEVIN
When I lost my job last year, I really thought, this could be a new beginning for me.

BEN
Really.

KEVIN
Thats what I thought, I had no idea what was going to happen.

BEN
I didnt even know youd lost your job when your apartment building burned down.

KEVIN
Or that Susie was the one that set the fire.

BEN
Oh, thats why you broke up with her.

KEVIN
Yeah.

BEN
No clue. I always thought she was nice.
(beat)
Is it OK if I call her?

KEVIN
Nah man, she can only take like one call a day now, so...

BEN
Better leave that for the lawyers.

KEVIN
Yeah man.
 2.

BEN
I read ya. But when your parents died in that bus crash...

KEVIN
Didnt see that coming.

BEN
Not at all.

KEVIN
And they never take the bus.

BEN
Right?

KEVIN
Dad would never.

BEN
But when it smashed into their house.

KEVIN
Where you gonna hide?

BEN
Basement? I doubt it.

KEVIN
No time to get to the bunker.

BEN
Always make the bunker entrance closer.

KEVIN
And then Snowball.

BEN
Falcons DO live in the city. Thats important information.

KEVIN
But, Ben, my friend, I know that getting out of that halfway house is gonna be the best
thing for me. Fresh air. Beautiful views. This is gonna be...

A couple of workmen carrying a large metal pipe cross the

stage in front of them.
 3.

BEN
Itll be the best.

Ben sets down his bag and opens it.

KEVIN
Ben?

BEN
Yeah, Kev?

KEVIN
What was that?

BEN
Those guys over there?

KEVIN
Yeah, with the pipe. Where are we.

BEN
Well, youve seen all that stuff on TV about that pipeline going in upstream from the
wetlands.

KEVIN
No. I dont have a TV anymore.

BEN
Right. Well, theres this pipeline...

KEVIN
And its going in upstream from the wetlands.

BEN
You do know about it.

KEVIN
You just said.

Ben stands up holding a large chain.

BEN
Right. Well, were here to protest it.

KEVIN
Wait, what?
 4.

BEN
Were gonna protest the pipeline.

KEVIN
I dont want to protest the pipeline.

BEN
You were just excited about getting some fresh air, the beautiful view.

KEVIN
Yeah.

BEN
Well, this wont affect any of that.

KEVIN
Ill be chained to a pipeline.

BEN
Yeah. Come on, sit down over here.

KEVIN
Why did you drag me out here to a protest.

BEN
Ive been coming up here for about a week or so and theres this really hot protest
organizer chick Im trying to get to go out with me.

KEVIN
Hot protest organizer?

BEN
Very. Yesterday, she says we gotta bring back some more people to protest with us so the
news crews will think its worthy of doing a story on.

KEVIN
I dont want to be on TV protesting a pipeline.

BEN
What do you care? You dont even own a TV.

KEVIN
Other people do. Theyre gonna see me on TV protesting a pipeline.

BEN
So what?
 5.

KEVIN
Ben, when I got the settlement from the bus company, I invested in the company thats
installing this pipeline.

BEN
Invested.

KEVIN
Yeah.

BEN
How much?

KEVIN
A lot.

BEN
Like, a lot a lot, or just....

KEVIN
A LOT.

BEN
So you think that would be bad somehow.

KEVIN
Im not protesting the company that Im invested in.

BEN
What if no one saw you?

KEVIN
If youre trying to convince me to go invisible...

BEN
No. You can wear this mask.

Ben pulls a Balaklava out of the bag.

KEVIN
What the hell is that?

BEN
A ski mask.
 6.

KEVIN
Thats like a terrorist mask, man!

BEN
No its not. Its for skiing.

KEVIN
You brought a chain and a mask for skiing?

BEN
I was gonna suggest we stop by the slopes on the way home.

KEVIN
Just having that makes it look like youre gonna blow up the pipeline.

BEN
No. It makes US look like were gonna blow up the pipeline.

Ben hands it to Kevin.

KEVIN
I dont want this.

BEN
Just hold it while I get the chain ready.

KEVIN
I dont want you to get the chain ready!

BEN
Well, then we cant protest!

KEVIN
I dont want to protest. I dont want to be here at all. I want to go home.

BEN
Susie burned it down.

KEVIN
BEN!

BEN
Quiet, Kevin. If the pipeline guys hear us, theyre going to turn the hoses on us again.

KEVIN
Hoses?!
 7.

BEN
Theyre fun. I brought my swim trunks this time.

KEVIN
Did you bring any for me?

BEN
Oh, so NOW whos glad I brought all this stuff?

KEVIN

BEN
When it drops below 20 degrees tonight, youre gonna be glad you had that ski mask.

BEN (CONTD)
Yeah, but they wont know its you.

The two workmen come back on.

WORKMAN 1
You guys here to protest?

Kevin hides behind Ben and puts on the mask.

BEN
Thats sure as heckfire right, my friend. And our protest is growing!

Ben grabs Kevin and turns him around.

Kevin is wearing the Balaklava.

KEVIN
Ben, dont...

BEN
Thats right. Me and him are here and we mean BUSINESS.

A moment.

KEVIN
He doesnt mean that kind of business.

BEN
Yes I do.
 8.

KEVIN
No, you really dont.

BEN
We are gonna protest the CRAP out of this whole thing here, and were gonna run those
money grubbing sickos who own your company OUT OF BUSINESS. Right, Kevin.

KEVIN
If you say my name, theyre gonna know who I am.

BEN
Sorry, Kevin.

KEVIN
Stop it, Ben!

WORKMAN 1
Were gonna go let the police know youre here.

BEN
Oh yeah, go and tell the PIGS man. Tell em were not afraid of them! Or the hoses! Or
the dogs!

KEVIN
What dogs?

BEN
Dont worry, I brought some catchers gear.

Ben reaches in the bag.

KEVIN
For what?

BEN
Protect the shins and chest.

KEVIN
What about the face?

Ben pops up wearing a catchers mask.

BEN
I only have the one mask.
 9.

KEVIN
Im gonna kill you!

BEN
You know, with that mask on, saying stuff like that really does make you look like a
terrorist.

Kevin grabs Ben by the facemask.

KEVIN
Listen to me. We are going home. Right now.

BEN
Youre right. Youre right. Im sorry.

Kevin lets go.

KEVIN
Pack up this stuff and lets go.

Ben does.

Carol, an young woman walks onstage. She carries a

clipboard.

Kevin is stunned.

CAROL
Hey Ben. Youre here to protest again today?

BEN
Oh, hey Carol. Yeah. Well I was...

CAROL
Was? You came all the way out here, and youre not gonna protest.

BEN
Well, I brought my friend Kevin, here...

CAROL
Kevin?

KEVIN
Thats me. Im Kevin.
 10.

CAROL
OK, Kevin. I cant see who you are.

Kevin folds the mask up onto his forehead. Carol is

noticeable impressed.

KEVIN
Hi.

CAROL
Thats better.

KEVIN
Easier to breathe.

They share a flirty laugh.

BEN
Yeah, anyway, we were just gonna get going and...

KEVIN
Get going, right, get going on starting our protest, you mean!

BEN
What?

Kevin grabs the bag, and pulls out the chain.

KEVIN
Oh yeah. Im here to protest, all right. Ive been BEGGING my friend Ben here to bring
me ever since he told me all about the.. um... problem here with this pipeline.

Kevin sits down and starts to chain himself to the pipe.

BEN
No I havent...

CAROL
Youre against this pipeline?

KEVIN
Heck yeah. Down with this pipeline.

Kevin clicks the lock.

 11.

CAROL
Why are you chaining yourself to it?

KEVIN
Thats... thats how we are protesting. Right?

CAROL
(to Ben)
You didnt tell him?

BEN
I hadnt gotten there yet.

KEVIN
Tell me what?

BEN
Were chaining ourselves to the construction equipment over there.

A moment.

KEVIN
Well of course we are.

CAROL
(to Ben)
Ill see you down there, Ben?

BEN
Of course, Carol.

Carol exits.

KEVIN
You idiot.

BEN
You chained yourself to the pipeline youre not protesting.

KEVIN
Give me the key.

BEN
I don't have the key.
 12.

KEVIN
Why not?

BEN
You dont bring a key to the lock for the chain that youre using to protest.

KEVIN
You do if you want to get out of the chain!

BEN
You dont understand protesting.

KEVIN
Where is the key?

BEN
Have you never heard of throwing away the key?

Kevin tries to get up and strangle Ben, but he is chained to

a pipeline.

BEN (CONTD)
Im gonna head down there and protest with Carol.

Ben exits after Carol.

KEVIN
Ill just stay here, then. Protesting BEN.
(beat)
I wanted to protest with Carol.

The workmen enter with a firehose.

Lights down.

End.