- Groucho Marx

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
--

Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to
do is live long enough.
--

Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.

--
From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with
laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
--

Go, and never darken my towels again.

--
I could dance with you until the cows come home. On second thought I'd rather dance
with the cows until you come home.
--
I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into
the other room and read a book.
--

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
--
I sent the club a wire stating, PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION. I DON'T WANT TO
BELONG TO ANY CLUB THAT WILL ACCEPT ME AS A MEMBER.
--
I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
--
It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.
--
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
--
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
--

Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly
everything, money is handy.
--

My mother loved children \-\- she would have given anything if I had been one.
--

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to
read.
--

She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.
--
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.
--
Women should be obscene and not heard.
--
I don't have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They're upstairs in my
socks.
--, In the film A Day at the Races
A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
Groucho Marx

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
Groucho Marx

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.

Groucho Marx

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

Groucho Marx

A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.

Groucho Marx

Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.

Groucho Marx

All people are born alike \- except Republicans and Democrats.

Groucho Marx

And I want to thank you for all the enjoyment you've taken out of it.
Groucho Marx

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

Groucho Marx

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

Groucho Marx

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

Groucho Marx

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with
laughter. Someday I intend reading it.
Groucho Marx

Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.

Groucho Marx

Go, and never darken my towels again.

Groucho Marx

Humor is reason gone mad.

Groucho Marx

I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions \- the curtain
was up.
Groucho Marx

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

Groucho Marx

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into
the other room and read a book.
Groucho Marx

I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.
Groucho Marx

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

Groucho Marx

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

Groucho Marx

I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I
go to the library and read a good book.
Groucho Marx

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
Groucho Marx

I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on
television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate
America if they started at 6:30.
Groucho Marx

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.

Groucho Marx

I remember the first time I had sex \- I kept the receipt.

Groucho Marx

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

Groucho Marx

I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written

in our contract.
Groucho Marx

I won't belong to any organization that would have me as a member.

Groucho Marx

I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.

Groucho Marx

I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which
it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day,
today, and I'm going to be happy in it.
Groucho Marx

I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining.
Groucho Marx

I'm not feeling very well \- I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf
course.
Groucho Marx

I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it.
Groucho Marx

I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.

Groucho Marx

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

Groucho Marx
If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it
again.
Groucho Marx

In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.
Groucho Marx

It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.

Groucho Marx

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?

Groucho Marx

Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!

Groucho Marx

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

Groucho Marx

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

Groucho Marx

My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it
actually tells you something.
Groucho Marx

My mother loved children \- she would have given anything if I had been one.
Groucho Marx

Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.

Groucho Marx

No man goes before his time \- unless the boss leaves early.
Groucho Marx

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never
know.
Groucho Marx

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to
read.
Groucho Marx

Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows \- marriage does.

Groucho Marx

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it

incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.
Groucho Marx

Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does.
Groucho Marx

Quote me as saying I was mis\-quoted.

Groucho Marx

Remember, we're fighting for this woman's honor, which is probably far more than
she's ever done!
Groucho Marx

Room service? Send up a larger room.

Groucho Marx

She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.
Groucho Marx

The first thing which I can record concerning myself is, that I was born. These are
wonderful words. This life, to which neither time nor eternity can bring diminution
\- this everlasting living soul, began. My mind loses itself in these depths.
Groucho Marx

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it
made.
Groucho Marx

There's one way to find out if a man is honest \- ask him. If he says, "Yes," you
know he is a crook.
Groucho Marx

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.
Groucho Marx

Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is
east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce
they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know.
Groucho Marx

When I was young I was amazed at Plutarch's statement that the elder Cato began at
the age of eighty to learn Greek. I am amazed no longer. Old age is ready to
undertake tasks that youth shirked because they would take too long.
Groucho Marx

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

Groucho Marx

Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.

Groucho Marx

Why a four\-year\-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a
four\-year\-old child. I can't make head nor tail out of it.
Groucho Marx

Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?
Groucho Marx

Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than
you do!
Groucho Marx

Why, I'd horse\-whip you if I had a horse.

Groucho Marx

Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough.

Groucho Marx

Women should be obscene and not heard.

Groucho Marx
Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.
--
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
--
I do not care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
--
The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his
checkbook open.
--
She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.
--
I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the
library and read a good book.
--

I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.

--
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
--
You'd better beat it. You can leave in a taxi. If you can't get a taxi, you can
leave in a huff. If that's too soon, you can leave in a minute and a huff.
--
While hunting in Africa, I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How an elephant got into
my pajamas I'll never know.
--

Love goes out the door when money comes innuendo.

--, "Duck Soup" 1934
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
--
I worked myself up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.
--
Here's to our girlfriends and wives; may they never meet!
--
I have nothing but confidence in you. And very little of that.
--
You are only as old as the woman you feel.
--
Why should I do anything for posterity? What has posterity ever done for me?
--
Politics doesnt make strange bedfellows\-\-marriage does.
--
I like my cigar, but I take it out of my mouth once in a while.
--