Dick Lit Diary February 9, 1 p.m. ‘Am currently suffering from the fiercest hangovers. | have the sensation that my brain is attempting to squeeze itself out of every orifice in my scull. | have a faint recollection of last night's events — | seem to recall Jake and me getting into a chill-eating contest, which would explain why my throat is so sore. Still can’t figure out why | now have a tattoo that reads ‘Free the Fritz’, though. | have today received two phone calls. The first was from mother. I have learned from experience that the conversations with her are the least awkward and last the shortest when | feign a sleight interest in all the newest family-related gossip without providing her with any occasion to elaborate. I have these three stock answers that | interchange: ‘Really? I didn't know.’, Ils that so?’ and ‘How good for him/her/them!’ I suspect she's getting on to me, so today | introduced a new response: ‘You don't say!’ When | have been brought up to date with the family matters, the conversations with mother inevitably proceed to the questioning phase: - So how are the studies going? - Fine. - How about campus life? - Fine. - How is Donald doing? - Fine Etc. Donald is my roommate, His name is actually Dennis, but | have never bothered to correct mom. Duration of call: 3 min and 28 sec. A new personal record. The second call was from Kathy. In the misogynistic resentment our violent breaking up left me in some two weeks ago, | erased her phone number from my cell, determined never to talk to her again. This turned out to be an ilkconsidered choice, since | was now unable to recognize her number. Ignorantly | answered the phone, and then followed a very heartrending harangue expounding her good intentions and culminating in the clichéd question ‘are we still fiends?’ | failed to resist the temptation to tell her simply to be still and then hang up the phone. Reconciliation is a girl thing. Men savour their antipathies, revel in their repulsions. Note to self: Always make sure you log off Facebook before lending your computer to JakeFebruary 10,7 a.m. Fuck it. 'm not getting up. February 10,9 p.m. Have been in bed all day with the television running. | had planned to work on my report on the Areopagus speech, but a new season of Two and a Half Men was on. Dennis brought me pizza. Almost makes me wish I hadn't started that rumour about him being a hermaphrodite, | noticed that he wore a purple sweater with a panda on the front. | wonder if he went to his closet this morning and thought: ‘Today Ill wear the panda sweater’. Probably shouldn't ask him... Heck, ''ll do it anyway. Just asked him. He told me to bite him. One more thing. Jake told me this awesome joke earlier today. It went something like this What is a penis called in Russia? A partisan — because it can come from the front and from behind And in the UK? A gentleman — because it stands up for the ladies. And in the US? Arumor — because it goes from mouth to mouth February 11, 2:30 p.m. Just returned from uni. Millington gave a lecture on St. Pau''s first epistle to the Corinthians. | diligently scribbled down notes attempting to stay focused. However, when Millington reached chapter 13, my assiduity crumbled under an overload of bullshit. Love is patient and is kind; love doesn't envy. | gazed around the auditorium. Though | knew of only a handful of confirmed instances, | conjectured that roughly eight tenths of the students in the room had at one time or other cheated on their girl-/boyfriend, | further surmised that approximately nine tenths had suspected their sweethearts of infidelity and that one tenth had never had one. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love is the greatest euphemism in history. There is no love, only desire. It is merely a lust of the blood and a permission of the will Love never fails. Love is a temporary insanity curable through marriage | wonder if St. Paul ever had a girlfriend.Ferbruary 12, 5 p.m. Alright, so I got up early to work on my report, and | actually managed to write some two pages before noon, when Jake came by, and we had a few beers. Despite a twitch of bad conscience caused by my lack of self-discipline, it was a pretty fun afternoon until Dennis came home, evidently upset about something; | think a family member of his died, but | better not ask him (this time | won't), Anyhow, | thought I'd cheer him up by telling him that joke Jake taught me the other day, so | asked him what a penis was called in Russia, but he just scowled at me. | would have considered him haughty, if this other thing hadn't occurred, namely Jake finding my diary. This threw him into an incessant fit of laughter, while Dennis was actually pretty cool about it. Jake's an asshole. Stil, this will have to be the last entry. | have a reputation to think of.