Chobsky Stephen The Perks of Being A Wallflower PDF

THEPERKSOFBEINGAWALLFLOWER
by
STEPHENchbosky
Publishedby:POCKETBOOKS,SimonandSchusterInc.,
1230AvenueoftheAmericas,NewYork,NY10020.
Copyright1999byStephenChbosky
BOOKJACKETINFORMATION
standingonthefringesoflife...offersauniqueperspective.But
therecomesatimetoseewhatitlookslikefromthedancefloor.
Thishauntingnovelaboutthedilemmaofpassivityvs.passion
marksthestunningdebutofaprovocativenewvoicein
contemporaryfiction:ThePerksOfBeingAWALLFLOWER
Thisisthestoryofwhatit'sliketogrowupinhighschool.
Moreintimatethanadiary,Charlie'slettersaresingularand
unique,hilariousanddevastating.Wemaynotknowwherehe
lives.Wemaynotknowtowhomheiswriting.Allweknowis
theworldheshares.Caughtbetweentryingtolivehislifeand
tryingtorunfromitputshimonastrangecoursethrough
unchartedterritory.Theworldoffirstdatesandmixedtapes,
familydramasandnewfriends.Theworldofsex,drugs,andThe
RockyHorrorPictureShow,whenallonerequiresisthatperfect
songonthatperfectdrivetofeelinfinite.
ThroughCharlie,StephenChboskyhascreatedadeeply
affectingcomingofagestory,powerfulnovelthatwillspirityou
backtothosewildandpoignantrollercoasterdaysknownas
growingup.
visitusontheworldwideweb
_inghttpwhststwwwlessimonsayscom_wh
_inghttpwhststwwwmtvcom_wh
stephenchboskygrewupinPittsburgh,Pennsylvania,and
graduatedfromtheUniversityofSouthernCalifornia'sFilmic
WritingProgram.Hisfirstfilm,THEFOURCORNERSOF
NOWHERE,premieredatthe1995SundanceFilmFestivaland
wentontowinBestNarrativeFeaturehonorsattheChicago
UndergroundFilmFestival.HeistherecipientoftheAbraham
PolonskyScreenwritingAwardforhisscreenplayEVERYTHING
DIVIDEDaswellasaparticipantintheSundanceInstitute's
filmmakers'labforhiscurrentproject,FINGERNAILSAND
SMOOTHSKIN.ChboskylivesinNewYork.
theperksofbeingawallflowerishisfirstnovel.
Thisbookisaworkoffiction.Names,characters,placesand
incidentsareproductsoftheauthor'simaginationorareused
fictitiously.Anyresemblancetoactualeventsorlocalesorpersons,
livingordead,isentirelycoincidental.
Formyfamily
acknowledgements
Ijustwantedtosayaboutallthoselistedthattherewouldbeno
bookwithoutthem,andIthankthemwithallofmyheart.
GreerKesselHendricksHeatherNeelyLea,Fred,andStacy
ChboskyRobbieThompsonChristopherMcQuarrieMargaret
MehringStewartSternKateDegenhartMarkMcClainWilson
DavidWilcoxKateWardTimPerellJackHornerEduardoBraniff
Andfinally...
Dr.EarlReumforwritingabeautifulpoemandPatrick
Comeauxforrememberingitwrongwhenhewas14.
THEPERKSOFBEINGAWALLFLOWER
part1
August25,1991Dearfriend,
Iamwritingtoyoubecauseshesaidyoulistenandunderstand
anddidn'ttrytosleepwiththatpersonatthatpartyeventhough
youcouldhave.Pleasedon'ttrytofigureoutwhosheisbecause
thenyoumightfigureoutwhoIam,andIreallydon'twantyouto
dothat.Iwillcallpeoplebydifferentnamesorgenericnames
becauseIdon'twantyoutofindme.Ididn'tencloseareturn
addressforthesamereason.Imeannothingbadbythis.Honest.
Ijustneedtoknowthatsomeoneouttherelistensand
understandsanddoesn'ttrytosleepwithpeopleeveniftheycould
have.Ineedtoknowthatthesepeopleexist.
IthinkyouofallpeoplewouldunderstandthatbecauseIthink
youofallpeoplearealiveandappreciatewhatthatmeans.Atleast
Ihopeyoudobecauseotherpeoplelooktoyouforstrengthand
friendshipandit'sthatsimple.Atleastthat'swhatI'veheard.
So,thisismylife.AndIwantyoutoknowthatIamboth
happyandsadandI'mstilltryingtofigureouthowthatcouldbe.
Itrytothinkofmyfamilyasareasonformebeingthisway,
especiallyaftermyfriendMichaelstoppedgoingtoschooloneday
lastspringandweheardMr.Vaughn'svoiceontheloudspeaker.
"Boysandgirls,Iregrettoinformyouthatoneofourstudents
haspassedon.WewillholdamemorialserviceforMichael
DobsonduringassemblythisFriday."
Idon'tknowhownewstravelsaroundschoolandwhyitisvery
oftenright.Maybeitwasinthelunchroom.It'shardtoremember.
ButDavewiththeawkwardglassestoldusthatMichaelkilled
himself.HismomplayedbridgewithoneofMichael'sneighbors
andtheyheardthegunshot.
Idon'treallyremembermuchofwhathappenedafterthat
exceptthatmyolderbrothercametoMr.Vaughn'sofficeinmy
middleschoolandtoldmetostopcrying.Then,heputhisarmon
myshoulderandtoldmetogetitoutofmysystembeforeDad
camehome.WethenwenttoeatfrenchfriesatMcDonald'sand
hetaughtmehowtoplaypinball.Heevenmadeajokethat
becauseofmehegottoskipanafternoonofschoolandaskedme
ifIwantedtohelphimworkonhisCamaro.IguessIwaspretty
messybecauseheneverletmeworkonhisCamarobefore.
Attheguidancecounselorsessions,theyaskedthefewofus
whoactuallylikedMichaeltosayafewwords.Ithinktheywere
afraidthatsomeofuswouldtrytokillourselvesorsomething
becausetheylookedverytenseandoneofthemkepttouchinghis
beard.
Bridgetwhoiscrazysaidthatsometimesshethoughtabout
suicidewhencommercialscomeonduringTV.Shewassincere
andthispuzzledtheguidancecounselors.Carlwhoisniceto
everyonesaidthathefeltverysad,butcouldneverkillhimself
becauseitisasin.
Thisoneguidancecounselorwentthroughthewholegroupand
finallycametome.
"Whatdoyouthink,Charlie?"
WhatwassostrangeaboutthiswasthefactthatIhadnevermet
thismanbecausehewasa"specialist"andheknewmynameeven
thoughIwasn'twearinganametagliketheydoinopenhouse.
"Well,IthinkthatMichaelwasaniceguyandIdon't
understandwhyhedidit.AsmuchasIfeelsad,Ithinkthatnot
knowingiswhatreallybothersme."
Ijustrereadthatanditdoesn'tsoundlikehowItalk.Especially
inthatofficebecauseIwascryingstill.Ineverdidstopcrying.
ThecounselorsaidthathesuspectedthatMichaelhad
"problemsathome"anddidn'tfeellikehehadanyonetotalkto.
That'smaybewhyhefeltallaloneandkilledhimself.
Then,Istartedscreamingattheguidancecounselorthat
Michaelcouldhavetalkedtome.AndIstartedcryingevenharder.
Hetriedtocalmmedownbysayingthathemeantanadultlikea
teacheroraguidancecounselor.Butitdidn'tworkandeventually
mybrothercamebythemiddleschoolinhisCamarotopickme
up.
Fortherestoftheschoolyear,theteacherstreatedmedifferent
andgavemebettergradeseventhoughIdidn'tgetanysmarter.To
tellyouthetruth,IthinkImadethemallnervous.
Michael'sfuneralwasstrangebecausehisfatherdidn'tcry.And
threemonthslaterheleftMichael'smom.Atleastaccordingto
Daveatlunchtime.Ithinkaboutitsometimes.Iwonderwhat
wentoninMichael'shousearounddinnerandTVshows.Michael
neverleftanoteoratleasthisparentsdidn'tletanyoneseeit.
Maybeitwas"problemsathome."IwishIknew.Itmightmake
memisshimmoreclearly.Itmighthavemadesadsense.
OnethingIdoknowisthatitmakesmewonderifIhave
"problemsathome"butitseemstomethatalotofotherpeople
haveitalotworse.Likewhenmysister'sfirstboyfriendstarted
goingaroundwithanothergirlandmysistercriedforthewhole
weekend.
Mydadsaid,"Thereareotherpeoplewhohaveitalotworse."
Andmymomwasquiet.Andthatwasthat.Amonthlater,my
sistermetanotherboyandstartedplayinghappyrecordsagain.
Andmydadkeptworking.Andmymomkeptsweeping.Andmy
brotherkeptfixinghisCamaro.Thatis,untilheleftforcollegeat
thebeginningofthesummer.He'splayingfootballforPennState
butheneededthesummertogethisgradesrighttoplayfootball.
Idon'tthinkthatthereisafavoritekidinourfamily.Thereare
threeofusandIamtheyoungest.Mybrotheristheoldest.Heis
averygoodfootballplayerandlikeshiscar.Mysisterisvery
prettyandmeantoboysandsheisinthemiddle.IgetstraightA's
nowlikemysisterandthatiswhytheyleavemealone.
MymomcriesalotduringTVprograms.Mydadworksalot
andisanhonestman.MyAuntHelenusedtosaythatmydadwas
goingtobetooproudtohaveamidlifecrisis.Ittookmeuntil
aroundnowtounderstandwhatshemeantbythatbecausehejust
turnedfortyandnothinghaschanged.
MyAuntHelenwasmyfavoritepersoninthewholeworld.She
wasmymom'ssister.ShegotstraightA'swhenshewasateenager
andsheusedtogivemebookstoread.Myfathersaidthatthe
bookswerealittletoooldforme,butIlikedthemsohejust
shruggedandletmeread.
MyAuntHelenlivedwiththefamilyforthelastfewyearsof
herlifebecausesomethingverybadhappenedtoher.Nobody
wouldtellmewhathappenedtheneventhoughIalwayswantedto
know.WhenIwasaroundseven,Istoppedaskingaboutitbecause
IkeptaskinglikekidsalwaysdoandmyAuntHelenstartedcrying
veryhard.
That'swhenmydadslappedme,saying,"You'rehurtingyour
auntHelen'sfeelings!"Ididn'twanttodothat,soIstopped.Aunt
Helentoldmyfathernottohitmeinfrontofhereveragainandmy
fathersaidthiswashishouseandhewoulddowhathewantedand
mymomwasquietandsoweremybrotherandsister.
Idon'tremembermuchmorethanthatbecauseIstartedcrying
reallyhardandafterawhilemydadhadmymomtakemetomy
room.Itwasn'tuntilmuchlaterthatmymomhadafewglassesof
whitewineandtoldmewhathappenedtohersister.Somepeople
reallydohaveitalotworsethanIdo.Theyreallydo.
Ishouldprobablygotosleepnow.It'sverylate.Idon'tknow
whyIwrotealotofthisdownforyoutoread.ThereasonIwrote
thisletterisbecauseIstarthighschooltomorrowandIamreally
afraidofgoing.
Lovealways,
Charlie
September7,1991Dearfriend,
Idonotlikehighschool.Thecafeteriaiscalledthe"Nutrition
Center,"whichisstrange.Thereisthisonegirlinmyadvanced
englishclassnamedSusan.Inmiddleschool,Susanwasveryfun
tobearound.Shelikedmovies,andherbrotherFrankmadeher
tapesofthisgreatmusicthatshesharedwithus.Butoverthe
summershehadherbracestakenoff,andshegotalittletallerand
prettierandgrewbreasts.Now,sheactsalotdumberinthe
hallways,especiallywhenboysarearound.AndIthinkit'ssad
becauseSusandoesn'tlookashappy.Totellyouthetruth,she
doesn'tliketoadmitshe'sintheadvancedenglishclass,andshe
doesn'tliketosay"hi"tomeinthehallanymore.
WhenSusanwasattheguidancecounselormeetingabout
Michael,shesaidthatMichaeloncetoldherthatshewasthe
prettiestgirlinthewholeworld,bracesandall.Then,heaskedher
to"gowithhim,"whichwasabigdealatanyschool.Theycallit
"goingout"inhighschool.Andtheykissedandtalkedabout
movies,andshemissedhimterriblybecausehewasherbest
friend.
It'sfunny,too,becauseboysandgirlsnormallyweren'tbest
friendsaroundmyschool.ButMichaelandSusanwere.Kindof
likemyAuntHelenandme.I'msorry."MyAuntHelenandI."
That'sonethingIlearnedthisweek.Thatandmoreconsistent
punctuation.
Ikeepquietmostofthetime,andonlyonekidnamedSean
reallyseemedtonoticeme.Hewaitedformeaftergymclassand
saidreallyimmaturethingslikehowhewasgoingtogivemea
"swirlie,"whichiswheresomeonesticksyourheadinthetoilet
andflushestomakeyourhairswirlaround.Heseemedpretty
unhappyaswell,andItoldhimso.Then,hegotmadandstarted
hittingme,andIjustdidthethingsmybrothertaughtmetodo.
Mybrotherisaverygoodfighter.
"Gofortheknees,throat,andeyes."
AndIdid.AndIreallyhurtSean.AndthenIstartedcrying.
Andmysisterhadtoleaveherseniorhonorsclassanddriveme
home.IgotcalledtoMr.Small'soffice,butIdidn'tgetsuspended
oranythingbecauseakidtoldMr.Smallthetruthaboutthefight.
"Seanstartedit.Itwasselfdefense."
Anditwas.Ijustdon'tunderstandwhySeanwantedtohurt
me.Ididn'tdoanythingtohim.Iamverysmall.That'strue.But
IguessSeandidn'tknowIcouldfight.ThetruthisIcouldhave
hurthimalotworse.AndmaybeIshouldhave.IthoughtImight
havetoifhecameafterthekidwhotoldMr.Smallthetruth,but
Seanneverdidgoafterhim.So,everythingwasforgotten.
SomekidslookatmestrangeinthehallwaysbecauseIdon't
decoratemylocker,andI'mtheonewhobeatupSeanandcouldn't
stopcryingafterhedidit.IguessI'mprettyemotional.
Ithasbeenverylonelybecausemysisterisbusybeingthe
oldestoneinourfamily.Mybrotherisbusybeingafootballplayer
atPennState.Afterthetrainingcamp,hiscoachsaidthathewas
secondstringandthatwhenhestartslearningthesystem,hewill
befirststring.
Mydadreallyhopeshewillmakeittotheprosandplayforthe
Steelers.Mymomisjustgladhegetstogotocollegeforfree
becausemysisterdoesn'tplayfootball,andtherewouldn'tbe
enoughmoneytosendbothofthem.That'swhyshewantsmeto
keepworkinghard,soI'llgetanacademicscholarship.
So,that'swhatI'mdoinguntilImeetafriendhere.Iwas
hopingthatthekidwhotoldthetruthcouldbecomeafriendof
mine,butIthinkhewasjustbeingagoodguybytelling.
Lovealways,
Charlie
Idon'thavealotoftimebecausemyadvancedenglishteacher
assignedusabooktoread,andIliketoreadbookstwice.
Incidentally,thebookisToKillaMockingbird.Ifyouhaven'tread
it,Ithinkyoushouldbecauseitisveryinteresting.Theteacherhas
assignedusafewchaptersatatime,butIdonotliketoreadbooks
likethat.Iamhalfwaythroughthefirsttime.
Anyway,thereasonIamwritingtoyouisbecauseIsawmy
brotherontelevision.Inormallydon'tlikesportstoomuch,but
thiswasaspecialoccasion.Mymotherstartedcrying,andmy
fatherputhisarmaroundhershoulder,andmysistersmiled,which
isfunnybecausemybrotherandsisteralwaysfightwhenhe's
around.
Butmyolderbrotherwasontelevision,andsofar,ithasbeen
thehighlightofmytwoweeksinhighschool.Imisshimterribly,
whichisstrange,becauseweneverreallytalkedmuchwhenhewas
here.Westilldon'ttalk,tobehonest.
Iwouldtellyouhisposition,butlikeIsaid,Iwouldliketobe
anonymoustoyou.Ihopeyouunderstand.
Lovealways,
Charlie
IhavefinishedToKillaMockingbird.Itisnowmyfavorite
bookofalltime,butthenagain,IalwaysthinkthatuntilIread
anotherbook.Myadvancedenglishteacheraskedmetocallhim
"Bill"whenwe'renotinclass,andhegavemeanotherbookto
read.HesaysthatIhaveagreatskillatreadingandunderstanding
language,andhewantedmetowriteanessayaboutToKilla
Mockingbird.
Imentionedthistomymom,andsheaskedwhyBilldidn't
recommendthatIjusttakeasophomoreorjuniorenglishclass.
AndItoldherthatBillsaidthatthesewerebasicallythesame
classeswithmorecomplicatedbooks,andthatitwouldn'thelpme.
Mymomsaidthatshewasn'tsureandwouldtalktohimduring
openhouse.Then,sheaskedmetohelpherbywashingthedishes,
whichIdid.
Honestly,Idon'tlikedoingdishes.Ilikeeatingwithmyfingers
andoffnapkins,butmysistersaysthatdoingsoisbadforthe
environment.SheisapartoftheEarthDayClubhereinhigh
school,andthatiswhereshemeetstheboys.Theyareallvery
nicetoher,andIdon'treallyunderstandwhyexceptmaybethefact
thatsheispretty.Shereallyismeantotheseboys.
Oneboyhasitparticularlyhard.Iwon'ttellyouhisname.But
Iwilltellyouallabouthim.Hehasverynicebrownhair,andhe
wearsitlongwithaponytail.Ithinkhewillregretthiswhenhe
looksbackonhislife.Heisalwaysmakingmixtapesformysister
withveryspecificthemes.Onewascalled"AutumnLeaves."He
includedmanysongsbytheSmiths.Heevenhandcoloredthe
cover.Afterthemovieherentedwasover,andheleft,mysister
gavemethetape.
"Doyouwantthis,Charlie?"
Itookthetape,butIfeltweirdaboutitbecausehehadmadeit
forher.ButIlistenedtoit.Andloveditverymuch.Thereisone
songcalled"Asleep"thatIwouldlikeyoutolistento.Itoldmy
sisteraboutit.Andaweeklatershethankedmebecausewhenthis
boyaskedheraboutthetape,shesaidexactlywhatIsaidaboutthe
song"Asleep,"andthisboywasverymovedbyhowmuchitmeant
toher.IhopethismeansIwillbegoodatdatingwhenthetime
comes.
Ishouldsticktothesubject,though.Thatiswhatmyteacher
BilltellsmetodobecauseIwritekindofthewayItalk.Ithink
thatiswhyhewantsmetowritethatessayaboutToKilla
Mockingbird.
Thisboywholikesmysisterisalwaysrespectfultomyparents.
Mymomlikeshimverymuchbecauseofthis.Mydadthinkshe's
soft.Ithinkthat'swhymysisterdoeswhatshedoestohim.
Thisonenight,shewassayingverymeanthingsabouthowhe
didn'tstanduptotheclassbullywhenhewasfifteenorsomething
likethat.Totellyouthetruth,Iwasjustwatchingthemoviehe
hadrented,soIwasn'tpayingverycloseattentiontotheirfight.
Theyfightallthetime,soIfiguredthatthemoviewasatleast
somethingdifferent,whichitwasn'tbecauseitwasasequel.
Anyway,aftersheleanedintohimforaboutfourmoviescenes,
whichIguessisabouttenminutesorso,hestartedcrying.Crying
veryhard.Then,Iturnedaround,andmysisterpointedatme.
"Yousee.EvenCharliestooduptohisbully.Yousee."
Andthisguygotreallyredfaced.Andhelookedatme.Then,
helookedather.Andhewoundupandhitherhardacrossthe
face.Imeanhard.IjustfrozebecauseIcouldn'tbelievehedidit.
Itwasnotlikehimatalltohitanybody.Hewastheboythatmade
mixtapeswiththemesandhandcoloredcoversuntilhehitmy
sisterandstoppedcrying.
Theweirdpartisthatmysisterdidn'tdoanything.Shejust
lookedathimveryquietly.Itwassoweird.Mysistergoescrazy
ifyoueatthewrongkindoftuna,butherewasthisguyhittingher,
andshedidn'tsayanything.Shejustgotsoftandnice.Andshe
askedmetoleave,whichIdid.Aftertheboyhadleft,shesaidthat
theywere"goingout"andnottotellmomordadwhathappened.
Iguesshestooduptohisbully.AndIguessthatmakessense.
Thatweekend,mysisterspentalotoftimewiththisboy.And
theylaughedalotmorethantheyusuallydid.OnFridaynight,I
wasreadingmynewbook,butmybraingottired,soIdecidedto
watchsometelevisioninstead.AndIopenedthedoortothe
basement,andmysisterandthisboywerenaked.
Hewasontopofher,andherlegsweredrapedovereitherside
ofthecouch.Andshescreamedatmeinawhisper.
"Getout.Youpervert."
So,Ileft.Thenextday,weallwatchedmybrotherplay
football.Andmysisterinvitedthisboyover.Iamnotsurewhen
heleftthepreviousnight.Theyheldhandsandactedlike
everythingwashappy.Andthisboysaidsomethingabouthowthe
footballteamhasn'tbeenthesamesincemybrothergraduated,and
mydadthankedhim.Andwhentheboyleft,mydadsaidthatthis
boywasbecomingafineyoungmanwhocouldcarryhimself.
Andmymomwasquiet.Andmysisterlookedatmetomakesure
Iwouldn'tsayanything.Andthatwasthat.
"Yes.Heis."That'sallmysistercouldsay.AndIcouldsee
thisboyathomedoinghishomeworkandthinkingaboutmysister
naked.AndIcouldseethemholdinghandsatfootballgamesthat
theydonotwatch.AndIcouldseethisboythrowingupinthe
bushesatapartyhouse.AndIcouldseemysisterputtingupwith
it.
AndIfeltverybadforbothofthem.
Lovealways,
Charlie
InevertoldyouthatIaminshopclass,didI?Well,Iamin
shopclass,anditismyfavoriteclassnexttoBill'sadvanced
englishclass.IwrotetheessayforToKillaMockingbirdlastnight,
andIhandeditintoBillthismorning.Wearesupposedtotalk
aboutittomorrowduringlunchperiod.
Thepoint,though,isthatthereisaguyinshopclassnamed
"Nothing."I'mnotkidding.Hisnameis"Nothing."Andheis
hilarious."Nothing"gothisnamewhenkidsusedtoteasehimin
middleschool.Ithinkhe'saseniornow.Thekidsstartedcalling
himPattywhenhisrealnameisPatrick.And"Nothing"toldthese
kids,"Listen,youeithercallmePatrick,oryoucallmenothing."
So,thekidsstartedcallinghim"Nothing."Andthenamejust
stuck.Hewasanewkidintheschooldistrictatthetimebecause
hisdadmarriedanewwomaninthisarea.IthinkIwillstop
puttingquotationmarksaroundNothing'snamebecauseitis
annoyinganddisruptingmyflow.Ihopeyoudonotfindthis
difficulttofollow.Iwillmakesuretodifferentiateifsomething
comesup.
So,inshopclassNothingstartedtodoaveryfunny
impersonationofourteacher,Mr.Callahan.Heevenpaintedin
themuttonchopsideburnswithagreasepencil.Hilarious.When
Mr.CallahanfoundNothingdoingthisnearthebeltsander,he
actuallylaughedbecauseNothingwasn'tdoingtheimpersonation
meanoranything.Itwasjustthatfunny.Iwishyoucouldhave
beentherebecauseitwasthehardestI'velaughedsincemybrother
left.MybrotherusedtotellPolishjokes,whichIknowiswrong,
butIjustblockedoutthePolishpartandlistenedtothejokes.
Hilarious.
Oh,incidentally,mysisteraskedforher"AutumnLeaves"mix
tapeback.Shelistenstoitallthetimenow.
Lovealways,
Charlie
Thereisalottotellyouaboutthelasttwoweeks.Alotofitis
good,butalotofitisbad.Again,Idon'tknowwhythisalways
happens.
Firstofall,BillgavemeaConmyToKillaMockingbirdessay
becausehesaidthatIrunmysentencestogether.Iamtryingnow
topracticenottodothat.HealsosaidthatIshouldusethe
vocabularywordsthatIlearninclasslike"corpulent"and
"jaundice."Iwouldusethemhere,butIreallydon'tthinktheyare
appropriateinthisformat.
Totellyouthetruth,Idon'tknowwheretheyareappropriateto
use.I'mnotsayingthatyoushouldn'tknowthem.Youshould
absolutely.ButIjusthaveneverheardanyoneusethewords
"corpulent"and"jaundice"everinmylife.Thatincludesteachers.
So,what'sthepointofusingwordsnobodyelseknowsorcansay
comfortably?Ijustdon'tunderstandthat.
Ifeelthesamewayaboutsomemoviestarswhoareterribleto
watch.Someofthesepeoplemusthaveamilliondollarsatleast,
andyet,theykeepdoingthesemovies.Theyblowupbadguys.
Theyyellattheirdetectives.Theydointerviewsformagazines.
EverytimeIseethisoneparticularmoviestaronamagazine,I
can'thelpbutfeelterriblysorryforherbecausenobodyrespects
heratall,andyettheykeepinterviewingher.Andtheinterviews
allsaythesamething.
Theystartwithwhatfoodtheyareeatinginsomerestaurant.
"AsgingerlymunchedherChineseChickenSalad,shespoke
oflove."Andallthecoverssaythesamething:"getstothe
bottomofstardom,love,andhisstherhitnewmoviesttelevision
showstalbum."
Ithinkit'sniceforstarstodointerviewstomakeusthinkthey
arejustlikeus,buttotellyouthetruth,Igetthefeelingthatit'sall
abiglie.TheproblemisIdon'tknowwho'slying.AndIdon't
knowwhythesemagazinessellasmuchastheydo.AndIdon't
knowwhytheladiesinthedentist'sofficelikethemasmuchas
theydo.ASaturdayago,Iwasinthedentist'soffice,andIheard
thisconversation.
"Didyouseethatmovie?"asshepointstothecover.
"Idid.IsawitwithHarold."
"Whatdoyouthink?"
"Sheisjustlovely."
"Yeah.Sheis."
"Oh,Ihavethisnewrecipe."
"Lowfat?"
"Uhhuh."
"Doyouhavesometimetomorrow?"
"No.Whydon'tyouhaveMikefaxittoHarold?"
"Okay."
Then,theseladiesstartedtalkingabouttheonestarImentioned
before,andtheybothhadverystrongopinions.
"Ithinkit'sdisgraceful."
"DidyoureadtheinterviewinGoodHousekeeping?"
"Afewmonthsback?"
"Uhhuh."
"Disgraceful."
"DidyoureadtheoneinCosmopolitan?"
"No."
"God,itwaspracticallythesameinterview."
"Idon'tknowwhytheygiveherthetimeofday."
Thefactthatoneoftheseladieswasmymommademefeel
particularlysadbecausemymomisbeautiful.Andshe'salwayson
adiet.Sometimes,mydadcallsherbeautiful,butshecannothear
him.Incidentally,mydadisaverygoodhusband.He'sjust
pragmatic.
Afterthedentist'soffice,mymomdrovemetothecemetery
wherealotofherrelativesareburied.Mydaddoesnotliketogo
tothecemeterybecauseitgiveshimthecreeps.ButIdon'tmind
goingatallbecausemyAuntHelenisburiedthere.Mymomwas
alwaystheprettyone,astheysay,andmyAuntHelenwasalways
theotherone.ThenicethingwasmyAuntHelenwasneverona
diet.AndmyAuntHelenwas"corpulent."Hey,Ididit!
MyAuntHelenwouldalwaysletuskidsstayupandwatch
SaturdayNightLivewhenshewasbabysittingorwhenshewas
livingwithusandmyparentswenttoanothercouple'shousetoget
drunkandplayboardgames.WhenIwasverylittle,Iremember
goingtosleep,whilemybrotherandsisterandAuntHelen
watchedLoveBoatandFantasyIsland.Icouldneverstayawake
whenIwasthatlittle,andIwishIcould,becausemybrotherand
sistertalkaboutthosemomentssometimes.Maybeit'ssadthat
thesearenowmemories.Andmaybeit'snotsad.Andmaybeit's
justthefactthatwelovedAuntHelen,especiallyme,andthiswas
thetimewecouldspendwithher.
Iwon'tstartlistingtelevisionepisodememories,exceptone
becauseIguesswe'reonthesubject,anditseemslikesomething
everyonecanrelatetoinasmallway.AndsinceIdon'tknowyou,
IfigurethatmaybeIcanwriteaboutsomethingthatyoucanrelate
to.
Thefamilywassittingaround,watchingthefinalepisodeof
More"inA"inSo"inHave,andI'llneverforgetiteventhoughIwas
veryyoung.Mymomwascrying.Mysisterwascrying.My
brotherwasusingeveryounceofstrengthhehadnottocry.And
mydadleftduringoneofthefinalmomentstomakeasandwich.
Now,Idon'tremembermuchabouttheprogramitselfbecauseI
wastooyoung,butmydadneverlefttomakeasandwichexcept
duringcommercialbreaks,andthenheusuallyjustsentmymom.
Iwalkedtothekitchen,andIsawmydadmakingasandwich...
andcrying.Hewascryingharderthanevenmymom.AndI
couldn'tbelieveit.Whenhefinishedmakinghissandwich,heput
awaythethingsintherefrigeratorandstoppedcryingandwiped
hiseyesandsawme.
Then,hewalkedup,pattedmyshoulder,andsaid,"Thisisour
littlesecret,okay,champ?"
"Okay,"Isaid.
AndDadpickedmeupwiththearmthatwasn'tholdingthe
sandwich,andcarriedmetotheroomthathadthetelevision,and
putmeonhislapfortherestofthetelevisionepisode.Attheend
oftheepisode,hepickedmeup,turnedofftheTV,andturned
around.
Andmydaddeclared,"Thatwasagreatseries."
Andmymomsaid,"Thebest."
Andmysisterasked,"Howlongwasitontheair?"
Andmybrotherreplied,"Nineyears,stupid."
Andmysisterresponded,"You...stupid."
Andmydadsaid,"Stopit,rightnow."
Andmymomsaid,"Listentoyourfather."
Andmybrothersaidnothing.
Andmysistersaidnothing.
AndyearslaterIfoundoutmybrotherwaswrong.
Iwenttothelibrarytolookupthefigures,andIfoundoutthat
theepisodewewatchedisthehighestwatchedanythingof
televisionhistory,whichIfindamazingbecauseitfeltlikejustthe
fiveofus.
Youknow...alotofkidsatschoolhatetheirparents.Someof
themgothit.Andsomeofthemgotcaughtinthemiddleofwrong
lives.Someofthemweretrophiesfortheirparentstoshowthe
neighborslikeribbonsorgoldstars.Andsomeofthemjust
wantedtodrinkinpeace.
Formepersonally,asmuchasIdon'tunderstandmymomand
dadandasmuchasIfeelsorryforbothofthemsometimes,Ican't
helpbutlovethemverymuch.Mymomdrivestovisitthe
cemeteryofpeoplesheloves.Mydadcriedduring
More"inA"inSo"inHave,andtrustedmetokeephissecret,andlet
mesitonhislap,andcalledme"champ."
Incidentally,Ionlyhaveonecavity,andasmuchasmydentist
asksmeto,Ijustcan'tbringmyselftofloss.
Lovealways,
Charlie
October6,1991Dearfriend,
Ifeelveryashamed.Iwenttothehighschoolfootballgamethe
otherday,andIdon'tknowexactlywhy.Inmiddleschool,Michael
andIwouldgotothegamessometimeseventhoughneitherofus
werepopularenoughtogo.ItwasjustaplacetogoonFridays
whenwedidn'twanttowatchtelevision.Sometimes,wewouldsee
Susanthere,andsheandMichaelwouldholdhands.
Butthistime,IwentalonebecauseMichaelisgone,andSusan
hangsarounddifferentboysnow,andBridgetisstillcrazy,and
Carl'smomsenthimtoaCatholicschool,andDavewiththe
awkwardglassesmovedaway.Iwasjustkindofwatchingpeople,
seeingwhowasinloveandwhowasjusthangingaround,andI
sawthatkidItoldyouabout.RememberNothing?Nothingwas
thereatthefootballgame,andhewasoneofthefewpeoplewho
wasnotanadultthatwasactuallywatchingthegame.Imean
reallywatchingthegame.Hewouldyellthingsout.
"Can'mon,Brad!"That'sthenameofourquarterback.
Now,normallyIamveryshy,butNothingseemedlikethekind
ofguyyoucouldjustwalkuptoatafootballgameeventhough
youwerethreeyearsyoungerandnotpopular.
"Hey,you'reinmyshopclass!"He'saveryfriendlyperson.
"I'mCharlie."Isaid,nottooshy.
"AndI'mPatrick.AndthisisSam."Hepointedtoaverypretty
girlnexttohim.Andshewavedtome.
"Hey,Charlie."Samhadaverynicesmile.
Theybothtoldmetohaveaseat,andtheybothseemedtomean
it,soItookaseat.IlistenedtoNothingyellatthefield.AndI
listenedtohisplaybyplayanalysis.AndIfiguredoutthatthis
wasakidwhoknewfootballverywell.Heactuallyknewfootball
aswellasmybrother.MaybeIshouldcallNothing"Patrick"from
nowonsincethatishowheintroducedhimself,andthatiswhat
Samcallshim.
Incidentally,Samhasbrownhairandveryveryprettygreen
eyes.Thekindofgreenthatdoesn'tmakeabigdealaboutitself.I
wouldhavetoldyouthatsooner,butunderthestadiumlights,
everythinglookedkindofwashedout.Itwasn'tuntilwewentto
theBigBoy,andSamandPatrickstartedtochainsmokethatIgot
agoodlookather.ThenicethingabouttheBigBoywasthefact
thatPatrickandSamdidn'tjustthrowaroundinsidejokesand
makemestruggletokeepup.Notatall.Theyaskedmequestions.
"Howoldareyou,Charlie?"
"Fifteen."
"Whatdoyouwanttodowhenyougrowup?"
"Idon'tknowjustyet."
"What'syourfavoriteband?"
"IthinkmaybetheSmithsbecauseIlovetheirsong`Asleep,'
butI'mreallynotsureonewayortheotherbecauseIdon'tknow
anyothersongsbythemtoowell."
"What'syourfavoritemovie?"
"Idon'tknowreally.They'reallthesametome."
"Howaboutyourfavoritebook?"
"ThisSideofParadisebyFrom.ScottFitzgerald."
"Why?"
"BecauseitwasthelastoneIread."
ThismadethemlaughbecausetheyknewImeantithonest,not
showoff.Thentheytoldmetheirfavorites,andwesatquiet.Iate
thepumpkinpiebecausetheladysaiditwasinseason,andPatrick
andSamsmokedmorecigarettes.
Ilookedatthem,andtheylookedreallyhappytogether.Agood
kindofhappy.AndeventhoughIthoughtSamwasverypretty
andnice,andshewasthefirstgirlIeverwantedtoaskonadate
somedaywhenIcandrive,Ididnotmindthatshehadaboyfriend,
especiallyifhewasagoodguylikePatrick.
"Howlonghaveyoubeen`goingout'?"Iasked.
Then,theystartedlaughing.Reallylaughinghard.
"What'ssofunny?"Isaid.
"We'rebrotherandsister,"Patricksaid,stilllaughing.
"Butyoudon'tlookalike,"Isaid.
That'swhenSamexplainedthattheywereactuallystepsister
andstepbrothersincePatrick'sdadmarriedSam'smom.Iwasvery
happytoknowthatbecauseIwouldreallyliketoaskSamona
datesomeday.Ireallywould.Sheissonice.
Ifeelashamed,though,becausethatnight,Ihadaweirddream.
IwaswithSam.Andwewerebothnaked.Andherlegswere
spreadoverthesidesofthecouch.AndIwokeup.AndIhad
neverfeltthatgoodinmylife.ButIalsofeltbadbecauseIsawher
nakedwithoutherpermission.IthinkthatIshouldtellSamabout
this,andIreallyhopeitdoesnotpreventusfrommaybemakingup
insidejokesofourown.Itwouldbeverynicetohaveafriend
again.Iwouldlikethatevenmorethanadate.
Lovealways,
Charlie
Doyouknowwhat"masturbation"is?Ithinkyouprobablydo
becauseyouareolderthanme.Butjustincase,Iwilltellyou.
Masturbationiswhenyourubyourgenitalsuntilyouhavean
orgasm.Wow!
Ithoughtthatinthosemoviesandtelevisionshowswhenthey
talkabouthavingacoffeebreakthattheyshouldhavea
masturbationbreak.Butthenagain,Ithinkthiswoulddecrease
productivity.
I'monlybeingcutehere.Idon'treallymeanit.Ijustwantedto
makeyousmile.Imeantthe"wow"though.
ItoldSamthatIdreamtthatsheandIwerenakedonthesofa,
andIstartedcryingbecauseIfeltbad,anddoyouknowwhatshe
did?Shelaughed.Notameanlaugh,either.Areallynice,warm
laugh.ShesaidthatshethoughtIwasbeingcute.Andshesaidit
wasokaythatIhadadreamabouther.AndIstoppedcrying.Sam
thenaskedmeifIthoughtshewaspretty,andItoldherIthought
shewas"lovely."Samthenlookedmerightintheeye.
"Youknowyou'retooyoungforme,Charlie?Youdoknow
that?"
"Yes,Ido."
"Idon'twantyoutowasteyourtimethinkingaboutmethat
way."
"Iwon't.Itwasjustadream."
Samthengavemeahug,anditwasstrangebecausemyfamily
doesn'thugalotexceptmyAuntHelen.Butafterafewmoments,
IcouldsmellSam'sperfume,andIcouldfeelherbodyagainstme.
AndIsteppedback.
"Sam,I'mthinkingaboutyouthatway."
Shejustlookedatmeandshookherhead.Then,sheputher
armaroundmyshoulderandwalkedmedownthehallway.We
metPatrickoutsidebecausetheydidn'tliketogotoclass
sometimes.Theypreferredtosmoke.
"CharliehasaCharlieesquecrushonme,Patrick."
"Hedoes,huh?"
"I'mtryingnotto,"Ioffered,whichjustmadethemlaugh.
PatrickthenaskedSamtoleave,whichshedid,andhe
explainedsomethingstome,soIwouldknowhowtobearound
othergirlsandnotwastemytimethinkingaboutSamthatway.
"Charlie,hasanyonetoldyouhowitworks?"
"Idon'tthinkso."
"Well,therearerulesyoufollowherenotbecauseyouwantto,
butbecauseyouhaveto.Yougetit?"
"Iguessso."
"Okay.Youtakegirls,forexample.They'recopyingtheir
momsandmagazinesandeverythingtoknowhowtoactaround
guys."
Ithoughtaboutthemomsandthemagazinesandthe
everythings,andthethoughtmademenervous,especiallyifit
includesTV.
"Imeanit'snotlikeinthemovieswheregirlslikeassholesor
anythinglikethat.It'snotthateasy.Theyjustlikesomebodythat
cangivethemapurpose."
"Apurpose?"
"Right.Youknow?Girlslikeguystobeachallenge.Itgives
themsomemoldtofitinhowtheyact.Likeamom.Whatwould
amomdoifshecouldn'tfussoveryouandmakeyoucleanyour
room?Andwhatwouldyoudowithoutherfussingandmaking
youdoit?Everyoneneedsamom.Andamomknowsthis.Andit
givesherasenseofpurpose.Yougetit?"
"Yeah,"IsaideventhoughIdidn't.ButIgotitenoughtosay
"Yeah"andnotbelying,though.
"Thethingissomegirlsthinktheycanactuallychangeguys.
Andwhat'sfunnyisthatiftheyactuallydidchangethem,they'd
getbored.They'dhavenochallengeleft.Youjusthavetogive
girlssometimetothinkofanewwayofdoingthings,that'sall.
Someofthemwillfigureitouthere.Somelater.Somenever.I
wouldn'tworryaboutittoomuch."
ButIguessIdidworryaboutit.I'vebeenworryingaboutit
eversincehetoldme.Ilookatpeopleholdinghandsinthe
hallways,andItrytothinkabouthowitallworks.Attheschool
dances,Isitinthebackground,andItapmytoe,andIwonderhow
manycoupleswilldanceto"theirsong."Inthehallways,Iseethe
girlswearingtheguys'jackets,andIthinkabouttheideaof
property.AndIwonderifanyoneisreallyhappy.Ihopetheyare.
Ireallyhopetheyare.
Billlookedatmelookingatpeople,andafterclass,heaskedme
whatIwasthinkingabout,andItoldhim.Helistened,andhe
noddedandmade"affirmation"sounds.WhenIhadfinished,his
facechangedintoa"serioustalk"face.
"Doyoualwaysthinkthismuch,Charlie?"
"Isthatbad?"Ijustwantedsomeonetotellmethetruth.
"Notnecessarily.It'sjustthatsometimespeopleusethoughtto
notparticipateinlife."
"Isthatbad?"
"Yes."
"IthinkIparticipate,though.Don'tyouthinkIam?"
"Well,areyoudancingatthesedances?"
"I'mnotaverygooddancer."
"Areyougoingondates?"
"Well,Idon'thaveacar,andevenifIdid,Ican'tdrivebecause
I'mfifteen,andanyway,Ihaven'tmetagirlIlikeexceptforSam,
butIamtooyoungforher,andshewouldalwayshavetodrive,
whichIdon'tthinkisfair."
Billsmiledandcontinuedaskingmequestions.Slowly,hegot
to"problemsathome."AndItoldhimabouttheboywhomakes
mixtapeshittingmysisterbecausemysisteronlytoldmenotto
tellmomordadaboutit,soIfiguredIcouldtellBill.Hegotthis
veryseriouslookonhisfaceafterItoldhim,andhesaid
somethingtomeIdon'tthinkIwillforgetthissemesterorever.
"Charlie,weacceptthelovewethinkwedeserve."
Ijuststoodthere,quiet.Billpattedmyshoulderandgavemea
newbooktoread.Hetoldmeeverythingwasgoingtobeokay.
Iusuallywalkhomefromschoolbecauseitmakesmefeellike
I'veearnedit.WhatImeanisthatIwanttobeabletotellmykids
thatIwalkedtoschoollikemygrandparentsdidinthe"olddays."
It'soddthatI'mplanningthisconsideringI'veneverhadadate,but
Iguessthatmakessense.Itusuallytakesmeanextrahourorsoto
walkasopposedtotakingthebus,butit'sworthitwhenthe
weatherisniceandcoollikeitwastoday.
WhenIfinallygothome,mysisterwassittingonachair.My
momandmydadwerestandinginfrontofher.AndIknewthat
Billhadcalledhomeandtoldthem.AndIfeltterrible.Itwasall
myfault.
Mysisterwascrying.Mymomwasveryveryquiet.Mydad
didallthetalking.Hesaidthatmysisterwasnotallowedtosee
theboywhohitheranymore,andhewasgoingtohaveatalkwith
theboy'sparentstonight.Mysisterthensaidthatitwasallher
fault,thatshewasprovokinghim,butmydadsaiditwasno
excuse.
"ButIlovehim!"Ihadneverseenmysistercrythatmuch.
"No,youdon't."
"Ihateyou!"
"No,youdon't."Mydadcanbeverycalmsometimes.
"He'smywholeworld."
"Don'teversaythataboutanyoneagain.Notevenme."That
wasmymom.
Mymomchoosesherbattlescarefully,andIcantellyouone
thingaboutmyfamily.Whenmymomdoessaysomething,she
alwaysgetsherway.Andthistimewasnoexception.Mysister
stoppedcryingimmediately.
Afterthat,mydadgavemysisterararekissontheforehead.
Then,heleftthehouse,gotinhisOldsmobile,anddroveaway.I
thoughtheprobablywasgoingtotalktotheboy'sparents.AndI
feltverysorryforthem.`from
parents,Imean.Becausemydaddoesn'tlosefights.Hejust
doesn't.
Mymomthenwentintothekitchentomakemysister'sfavorite
thingtoeat,andmysisterlookedatme.
"Ihateyou."
Mysistersaiditdifferentthanshesaidittomydad.Shemeant
itwithme.Shereallydid.
"Iloveyou,"wasallIcouldsayinreturn.
"You'reafreak,youknowthat?You'vealwaysbeenafreak.
Everyonesaysso.Theyalwayshave."
"I'mtryingnottobe."
Then,Iturnedaroundandwalkedtomyroomandclosedmy
doorandputmyheadundermypillowandletthequietputthings
wheretheyaresupposedtobe.
Bytheway,Ifigureyouareprobablycuriousaboutmydad.
Didhehituswhenwewerekidsornoweven?Ijustthoughtyou
mightbecuriousbecauseBillwas,afterItoldhimaboutthatboy
andmysister.Well,ifyouarewondering,hedidn't.Henever
touchedmybrotherorsister.Andtheonlytimeheeverslapped
mewaswhenImademyAuntHelencry.Andonceweallcalmed
down,hegotonhiskneesinfrontofmeandsaidthathisstepdad
hithimalot,andhedecidedincollegewhenmymomgotpregnant
withmyolderbrotherthathewouldneverhithiskids.Andhefelt
terriblefordoingit.Andhewassosorry.Andhewouldneverhit
meagain.Andhehasn't.
He'sjuststernsometimes.
Lovealways,
Charlie
IguessIforgottomentioninmylastletterthatitwasPatrick
whotoldmeaboutmasturbation.IguessIalsoforgottotellyou
howoftenIdoitnow,whichisalot.Idon'tliketolookat
pictures.IjustclosemyeyesanddreamaboutaladyIdonot
know.AndItrynottofeelashamed.IneverthinkaboutSam
whenIdoit.Never.That'sveryimportanttomebecauseIwasso
happywhenshesaid"Charlieesque"sinceitfeltlikeaninside
jokeofsorts.
Onenight,IfeltsoguiltythatIpromisedGodthatIwould
neverdoitagain.So,Istartedusingblankets,butthentheblankets
hurt,soIstartedusingpillows,butthenthepillowshurt,soIwent
backtonormal.Iwasn'traisedveryreligiouslybecausemy
parentswenttoCatholicschool,butIdobelieveinGodverymuch.
IjustnevergaveGodaname,ifyouknowwhatImean.IhopeI
haven'tletHimdownregardless.
Incidentally,mydaddidhaveaserioustalkwiththeboy's
parents.Theboy'smotherwasveryveryangryandscreamedat
herson.Theboy'sfatherkeptquiet.Andmydaddidn'tgettoo
personalwiththem.Hedidn'ttellthemtheydida"lousyjob"
raisingtheirsonoranything.
Asfarashewasconcerned,theonlyimportantthingwas
gettingtheirhelptokeeptheirsonawayfromhisdaughter.Once
thatwassettled,heleftthemtodealwiththeirfamilyandcame
hometodealwithhis.Atleastthat'showheputit.
TheonethingIdidaskmydadwasabouttheboy'sproblemsat
home.Whetherornothethoughttheparentshittheirson.Hetold
metomindmyownbusiness.Becausehedidn'tknowandwould
neveraskanddidn'tthinkitmattered.
"Noteveryonehasasobstory,Charlie,andeveniftheydo,it's
noexcuse."
That'sallhesaid.Andthenwewenttowatchtelevision.
Mysisterisstillmadatme,butmydadsaidIdidtheright
thing.IhopethatIdid,butit'shardtotellsometimes.
Lovealways,
Charlie
I'msorryIhaven'twrittentoyouinacoupleofweeks,butI
havebeentryingto"participate"likeBillsaid.It'sstrangebecause
sometimes,Ireadabook,andIthinkIamthepeopleinthebook.
Also,whenIwriteletters,Ispendthenexttwodaysthinkingabout
whatIfiguredoutinmyletters.Idonotknowifthisisgoodor
bad.Nevertheless,Iamtryingtoparticipate.
Incidentally,thebookBillgavemewasPeterPanbyJust.
More.Barrie.Iknowwhatyou'rethinking.ThecartoonPeter
Panwiththelostboys.Theactualbookissomuchbetterthanthat.
It'sjustaboutthisboywhorefusestogrowup,andwhenWendy
growsup,hefeelsverybetrayed.Atleastthat'swhatIgotoutofit.
IthinkBillgavemethebooktoteachmealessonofsomekind.
ThegoodnewsisthatIreadthebook,andbecauseofits
fantasynature,IcouldnotpretendthatIwasinthebook.Thatway
Icouldparticipateandstillread.
Intermsofmyparticipationinthings,Iamtryingtogoto
socialeventsthattheysetupinmyschool.It'stoolatetojoinany
clubsoranythinglikethat,butIstilltrytogotothethingsthatI
can.Thingslikethehomecomingfootballgameanddance,evenif
Idon'thaveadate.
IcannotimaginethatIwillevercomehomeforahomecoming
gameafterIleavehere,butitwasfuntopretendthatIwas.I
foundPatrickandSamsittingintheirnormalspotinthebleachers,
andIstartedactinglikeIhadn'tseentheminayeareventhoughI
hadseenthemthatafternooninlunchwhenIatemyorange,and
theysmokedcigarettes.
"Patrick,isthatyou?AndSam...it'sbeensolong.Who's
winning?God,collegeissuchatrial.Myprofessorismakingme
readtwentysevenbooksthisweekend,andmygirlfrneedsmeto
paintsignsforherprotestrallyTuesday.Letthoseadministrators
knowwemeanbusiness.Dadisbusywithhisgolfswing,and
Momhasherhandsfullwithtennis.Wemustdothisagain.I
wouldstay,butIhavetopickmysisterupfromheremotional
workshop.She'smakingrealprogress.Goodtoseeya."
AndthenIwalkedaway.Iwentdowntotheconcessionstand
andboughtthreeboxesofnachosandadietcokeforSam.WhenI
returned,IsatdownandgavePatrickandSamthenachosandSam
herdietcoke.AndSamsmiled.ThegreatthingaboutSamisthat
shedoesn'tthinkI'mcrazyforpretendingtodothings.Patrick
doesn'teither,buthewastoobusywatchingthegameand
screamingatBrad,thequarterback.
Samtoldmeduringthegamethattheyweregoingovertotheir
friend'shouselaterforaparty.Then,sheaskedmeifIwantedto
go,andIsaidyesbecauseIhadneverbeentoapartybefore.Ihad
seenoneatmyhouse,though.
MyparentswenttoOhiotoseeaverydistantcousingetburied
ormarried.Idon'trememberwhich.Andtheyleftmybrotherin
chargeofthehouse.Hewassixteenatthetime.Mybrotherused
theopportunitytothrowabigpartywithbeerandeverything.I
wasorderedtostayinmyroom,whichwasokaybecausethat's
whereeveryonekepttheircoats,anditwasfunlookingthroughthe
stuffintheirpockets.Everytenminutesorso,adrunkgirlorboy
wouldstumbleinmyroomtoseeiftheycouldmakeoutthereor
something.Then,theywouldseemeandwalkaway.Thatis,
exceptforthisonecouple.
Thisonecouple,whomIwastoldlaterwereverypopularand
inlove,stumbledintomyroomandaskedifImindedthemusing
it.ItoldthemthatmybrotherandsistersaidIhadtostayhere,
andtheyaskediftheycouldusetheroomanywaywithmestillin
it.IsaidIdidn'tseewhynot,sotheyclosedthedoorandstarted
kissing.Kissingveryhard.Afterafewminutes,theboy'shand
wentupthegirl'sshirt,andshestartedprotesting.
"Can'mon,Dave."
"What?"
"Thekid'sinhere."
"It'sokay."
Andtheboykeptworkingupthegirl'sshirt,andasmuchasshe
saidno,hekeptworkingit.Afterafewminutes,shestopped
protesting,andhepulledhershirtoff,andshehadawhitebraon
withlace.Ihonestlydidn'tknowwhattodobythispoint.Pretty
soon,hetookoffherbraandstartedtokissherbreasts.Andthen
heputhishanddownherpants,andshestartedmoaning.Ithink
theywerebothverydrunk.Hereachedtotakeoffherpants,but
shestartedcryingreallyhard,sohereachedforhisown.Hepulled
hispantsandunderweardowntohisknees.
"Please.Dave.No."
Buttheboyjusttalkedsofttoherabouthowgoodshelooked
andthingslikethat,andshegrabbedhispeniswithherhandsand
startedmovingit.IwishIcoulddescribethisalittlemorenicely
withoutusingwordslikepenis,butthatwasthewayitwas.
Afterafewminutes,theboypushedthegirl'sheaddown,and
shestartedtokisshispenis.Shewasstillcrying.Finally,she
stoppedcryingbecauseheputhispenisinhermouth,andIdon't
thinkyoucancryinthatposition.Ihadtostopwatchingatthat
pointbecauseIstartedtofeelsick,butitkeptgoingon,andthey
keptdoingotherthings,andshekeptsaying"no."EvenwhenI
coveredmyears,Icouldstillhearhersaythat.
Mysistercameineventuallytobringmeabowlofpotatochips,
andwhenshefoundtheboyandthegirl,theystopped.Mysister
wasveryembarrassed,butnotasembarrassedasthegirl.Theboy
lookedkindofsmug.Hedidn'tsaymuch.Aftertheyleft,my
sisterturnedtome.
"Didtheyknowyouwereinhere?"
"Yes.Theyaskediftheycouldusetheroom."
"Whydidn'tyoustopthem?"
"Ididn'tknowwhattheyweredoing."
"Youpervert,"wasthelastthingmysistersaidbeforesheleft
theroom,stillcarryingthebowlofpotatochips.
ItoldSamandPatrickaboutthis,andtheybothgotveryquiet.
SamsaidthatsheusedtogooutwithDaveforawhilebeforeshe
gotintopunkmusic,andPatricksaidheheardaboutthatparty.I
wasn'tsurprisedthathedidbecauseitkindofbecamealegend.At
leastthat'swhatI'veheardwhenItellsomekidswhomyolder
brotheris.
Whenthepolicecame,theyfoundmybrotherasleeponthe
roof.Nobodyknowshowhegotthere.Mysisterwasmakingout
inthelaundryroomwithsomesenior.Shewasafreshmanatthe
time.Alotofparentscametothehousethentopickuptheirkids,
andalotofthegirlswerecryingandthrowingup.Mostoftheboys
hadrunawaybythispoint.Mybrothergotinbigtrouble,andmy
sisterwasgivena"serioustalk"bymyparentsaboutbad
influences.Andthatwasthat.
TheboynamedDaveisaseniornow.Heplaysonthefootball
team.Heisawidereceiver.Iwatchedtheendofthegamewhen
DavecaughtatouchdownthrownfromBrad.Itendedupwinning
thegameforourschool.Andpeoplewentcrazyinthestands
becausewewonthegame.ButallIcouldthinkaboutwasthat
party.Ithoughtaboutitquietforalongtime,thenIlookedoverto
Sam.
"Herapedher,didn'the?"
Shejustnodded.Icouldn'ttellifshewassadorjustknewmore
thingsthanme.
"Weshouldtellsomeone,shouldn'twe?"
Samjustshookherheadthistime.Shethenexplainedaboutall
thethingsyouhavetogothroughtoproveit,especiallyinhigh
schoolwhentheboyandgirlarepopularandstillinlove.
Thenextdayatthehomecomingdance,Isawthemdancing
together.Daveandhisgirl.AndIgotreallymad.Itkindof
scaredmehowmadIgot.IthoughtaboutwalkinguptoDaveand
reallyhurtinghimlikemaybeIshouldhavereallyhurtSean.And
IthinkIwouldhave,butSamsawmeandputherarmaroundmy
shoulderlikeshedoes.Shecalmedmedown,andIguessI'mglad
shedidbecauseIthinkIwouldhavegottenevenmadderifIstarted
hittingDave,andhisgirlstoppedmebecauseshelovedhim.I
thinkIwouldhavegottenevenmadderaboutthat.
So,Idecidedtodothenextbestthingandlettheairoutof
Dave'stires.Samknewwhichwashiscar.
ThereisafeelingthatIhadFridaynightafterthehomecoming
gamethatIdon'tknowifIwilleverbeabletodescribeexceptto
saythatitiswarm.SamandPatrickdrovemetothepartythat
night,andIsatinthemiddleofSam'spickuptruck.Samlovesher
pickuptruckbecauseIthinkitremindsherofherdad.Thefeeling
IhadhappenedwhenSamtoldPatricktofindastationonthe
radio.Andhekeptgettingcommercials.Andcommercials.And
areallybadsongaboutlovethathadtheword"baby"init.And
thenmorecommercials.Andfinallyhefoundthisreallyamazing
songaboutthisboy,andweallgotquiet.
Samtappedherhandonthesteeringwheel.Patrickheldhis
handoutsidethecarandmadeairwaves.AndIjustsatbetween
them.Afterthesongfinished,Isaidsomething.
"Ifeelinfinite."
AndSamandPatricklookedatmelikeIsaidthegreatestthing
theyeverheard.Becausethesongwasthatgreatandbecausewe
allreallypaidattentiontoit.Fiveminutesofalifetimeweretruly
spent,andwefeltyounginagoodway.Ihavesinceboughtthe
record,andIwouldtellyouwhatitwas,buttruthfully,it'snotthe
sameunlessyou'redrivingtoyourfirstrealparty,andyou'resitting
inthemiddleseatofapickupwithtwonicepeoplewhenitstarts
torain.
Wegottothehousewherethepartywas,andPatrickdidthis
secretknock.Itwouldbehardtodescribetoyouthisknock
withoutsound.Thedooropenedacrack,andthisguywithfrizzy
hairlookedoutatus.
"PatrickknownasPattyknownasNothing?"
"Bob."
Thedooropened,andtheoldfriendshuggedeachother.Then,
SamandBobhuggedeachother.Then,Samspoke.
"Thisisourfriend,Charlie."
Andyouwon'tbelieveit.Bobhuggedme!Samtoldmeaswe
werehangingupourcoatsthatBobwas"bakedlikeafucking
cake."Ireallyhadtoquotethatoneeventhoughithasaswear.
Thepartywasinthebasementofthishouse.Theroomwas
quitesmoky,andthekidsweremucholder.Thereweretwogirls
showingeachothertheirtattoosandbellybuttonrings.Seniors,I
think.
ThisguynamedFritzsomethingwaseatingalotofTwinkies.
Fritz'sgirlfrwastalkingtohimaboutwomen'srights,andhekept
saying,"Iknow,baby."
SamandPatrickstartedsmokingcigarettes.Bobwentuptothe
kitchenwhenheheardthebellring.Whenhecameback,he
broughtacanofMilwaukee'sBestbeerforeveryone,aswellas
twonewpartyguests.TherewasMaggie,whoneededtousethe
bathroom.AndtherewasBrad,thequarterbackofthehighschool
footballteam.Nokidding!
Idonotknowwhythisexcitedme,butIguesswhenyousee
somebodyinthehallwayoronthefieldorsomething,it'sniceto
knowthattheyarearealperson.
Everyonewasveryfriendlytomeandaskedmealotof
questionsaboutmyself.IguessbecauseIwastheyoungest,and
theydidn'twantmetofeeloutofplace,especiallyafterIsaidnoto
havingabeer.IoncehadabeerwithmybrotherwhenIwas
twelve,andIjustdidn'tlikeit.It'sreallythatsimpleforme.
SomeofthequestionsIwasaskedwaswhatgradeIwasinand
whatdidIwanttobewhenIgrowup.
"Iamafreshman,andIdon'tknowjustyet."
Ilookedaround,andIsawthatSamandPatrickhadleftwith
Brad.That'swhenBobstartedpassingaroundfood.
"Wouldyoulikeabrownie?"
"Yes.Thankyou."
IwasactuallyquitehungrybecausenormallySamandPatrick
takemetotheBigBoyafterthefootballgames,andIguessIwas
usedtoitbynow.Iatethebrownie,andittastedalittleweird,but
itwasstillabrownie,soIstilllikedit.Butthiswasnotan
ordinarybrownie.Sinceyouareolder,Ithinkyouknowwhatkind
ofbrownieitwas.
Afterthirtyminutes,theroomstartedtoslipawayfromme.I
wastalkingtooneofthegirlswiththebellybuttonring,andshe
seemedlikeshewasinamovie.Istartedblinkingalotand
lookingaround,andthemusicsoundedheavylikewater.
Samcamedownandwhenshesawme,sheturnedtoBob.
"Whatthehellisyourproblem?"
"Comeon,Sam.Helikesit.Askhim."
"Howdoyoufeel,Charlie?"
"Light."
"Yousee?"Bobactuallylookedalittlenervous,whichIwas
latertoldwasparanoia.
Samsatdownnexttomeandheldmyhand,whichfeltcool.
"Areyouseeinganything,Charlie?"
"Light."
"Doesitfeelgood?"
"Uhhuh."
"Areyouthirsty?"
"Uhhuh."
"Whatwouldyouliketodrink?"
"Amilkshake."
Andeveryoneintheroom,exceptSam,eruptedinlaughter.
"He'sstoned."
"Areyouhungry,Charlie?"
"Uhhuh."
"Whatwouldyouliketoeat?"
"Amilkshake."
Idon'tthinktheywouldhavelaughedanyharderevenifwhatI
saidwasatallfunny.Then,Samtookmyhandandstoodmeupon
thedizzyfloor.
"Can'mon.We'llgetyouamilkshake."
Aswewereleaving,SamturnedtoBob.
"Istillthinkyou'reanasshole."
AllBobdidwaslaugh.AndSamfinallylaughed,too.AndI
wasgladthateveryoneseemedashappyastheyseemed.
SamandIgotuptothekitchen,andsheturnedonthelight.
Wow!Itwassobright,Icouldn'tbelieveit.Itwaslikewhenyou
seeamovieinthetheaterduringtheday,andwhenyouleavethe
movie,youcan'tbelievethatit'sstilldaylightoutside.Samgot
someicecreamandsomemilkandablender.Iaskedherwhere
thebathroomwas,andshepointedaroundthecorneralmostlikeit
washerhouse.IthinksheandPatrickspentalotoftimehere
whenBobwasstillinhighschool.
WhenIgotoutofthebathroom,Iheardanoiseintheroom
whereweleftourcoats.Iopenedthedoor,andIsawPatrick
kissingBrad.Itwasastolentypeofkissing.Theyheardmeinthe
doorandturnedaround.Patrickspokefirst.
"Isthatyou,Charlie?"
"Sam'smakingmeamilkshake."
"Whoisthiskid?"Bradjustlookedrealnervousandnotinthe
Bobway.
"He'safriendofmine.Relax."
Patrickthentookmeoutoftheroomandclosedthedoor.He
puthishandsonbothofmyshouldersandlookedmestraightin
theeye.
"Braddoesn'twantpeopletoknow."
"Why?"
"Becausehe'sscared."
"Why?"
"Becauseheis...wait...areyoustoned?"
"TheysaidIwasdownstairs.Samismakingmeamilkshake."
Patricktriedtokeepfromlaughing.
"Listen,Charlie.Braddoesn'twantpeopletoknow.Ineedyou
topromisethatyouwon'ttellanyone.Thiswillbeourlittlesecret.
Okay?"
"Okay."
"Thanks."
Withthat,Patrickturnedaroundandwentbackintotheroom.I
heardsomemuffledvoices,andBradseemedupset,butIdidn't
thinkitwasanyofmybusiness,soIwentbacktothekitchen.
IhavetosaythatitwasthebestmilkshakeIeverhadinmylife.
Itwassodelicious,italmostscaredme.
Beforewelefttheparty,Samplayedmeafewofherfavorite
songs.Onewascalled"Blackbird."Theotherwascalled"MLK."
Theywerebothverybeautiful.Imentionedthetitlesbecausethey
wereasgreatwhenIlistenedtothemsober.
Anotherinterestingthinghappenedatthepartybeforeweleft.
Patrickcamedownstairs.IguessBradhadleft.AndPatrick
smiled.AndBobstartedtomakefunofhimhavingacrushonthe
quarterback.AndPatricksmiledmore.Idon'tthinkIeversaw
Patricksmilesomuch.Then,Patrickpointedatme,andsaid
somethingtoBob.
"He'ssomething,isn'the?"
Bobnoddedhishead.PatrickthensaidsomethingIdon'tthink
I'lleverforget.
"He'sawallflower."
AndBobreallynoddedhishead.Andthewholeroomnodded
theirhead.AndIstartedtofeelnervousintheBobway,but
Patrickdidn'tletmegettoonervous.Hesatdownnexttome.
"Youseethings.Youkeepquietaboutthem.Andyou
understand."
Ididn'tknowthatotherpeoplethoughtthingsaboutme.I
didn'tknowthattheylooked.Iwassittingonthefloorofa
basementofmyfirstrealpartybetweenSamandPatrick,andI
rememberedthatSamintroducedmeasherfriendtoBob.AndI
rememberedthatPatrickhaddonethesameforBrad.AndI
startedtocry.Andnobodyinthatroomlookedatmeweirdfor
doingit.AndthenIreallystartedtocry.
Bobraisedhisdrinkandaskedeveryonetodothesame.
"ToCharlie."
Andthewholegroupsaid,"ToCharlie."
Ididn'tknowwhytheydidthat,butitwasveryspecialtome
thattheydid.EspeciallySam.Especiallyher.
Iwouldtellyoumoreaboutthehomecomingdance,butnow
thatI'mthinkingaboutit,melettingouttheairofDave'stireswas
thebestpart.IdidtrytodancelikeBillsuggested,butIusually
likesongsyoucan'tdanceto,soIdidn'tdoittoomuch.Samdid
lookveryprettyinherdress,butIwastryingnottonoticebecause
I'mtryingnottothinkofherthatway.
IdidnoticethatBradandPatricknevertalkedonceduringthe
wholedancebecauseBradwasoffdancingwithacheerleader
namedNancy,whoishisgirlfr.AndIdidnoticethatmysisterwas
dancingwiththeboyshewasn'tsupposedtoeventhougha
differentboypickedherupatthehouse.
Afterthedance,weleftinSam'spickup.Patrickwasdriving
thistime.AswewereapproachingtheFortPittTunnel,Samasked
Patricktopulltothesideoftheroad.Ididn'tknowwhatwas
goingon.Samthenclimbedinthebackofthepickup,wearing
nothingbutherdancedress.ShetoldPatricktodrive,andhegot
thissmileonhisface.Iguesstheyhaddonethisbefore.
Anyway,Patrickstarteddrivingreallyfast,andjustbeforewe
gottothetunnel,Samstoodup,andthewindturnedherdressinto
oceanwaves.Whenwehitthetunnel,allthesoundgotscoopedup
intoavacuum,anditwasreplacedbyasongonthetapeplayer.A
beautifulsongcalled"Landslide."Whenwegotoutofthetunnel,
Samscreamedthisreallyfunscream,andthereitwas.Downtown.
Lightsonbuildingsandeverythingthatmakesyouwonder.Sam
satdownandstartedlaughing.Patrickstartedlaughing.Istarted
laughing.
Andinthatmoment,Iswearwewereinfinite.
Lovealways,
Charlie
part2
November7,1991Dearfriend,
ItwasoneofthosedaysthatIdidn'tmindgoingtoschool
becausetheweatherwassopretty.Theskywasovercastwith
clouds,andtheairfeltlikeawarmbath.Idon'tthinkIeverfelt
thatcleanbefore.WhenIgothome,Ihadtomowthelawnformy
allowance,andIdidn'tmindonebit.Ijustlistenedtothemusic,
andbreathedintheday,andrememberedthings.Thingslike
walkingaroundtheneighborhoodandlookingatthehousesand
thelawnsandthecolorfultreesandhavingthatbeenough.
IdonotknowanythingaboutZenorthingsthattheChineseor
Indiansdoaspartoftheirreligion,butoneofthegirlsfromthe
partywiththetattooandbellybuttonringhasbeenaBuddhist
sinceJuly.Shetalksaboutverylittleelseexceptmaybehow
expensivecigarettesare.Iseeheratlunchsometimes,smoking
betweenPatrickandSam.HernameisMaryElizabeth.
MaryElizabethtoldmethatthethingaboutZenisthatitmakes
youconnectedtoeverythingintheworld.Youarepartofthetrees
andthegrassandthedogs.Thingslikethat.Sheevenexplained
howhertattoosymbolizedthis,butIcan'trememberhow.So,I
guessZenisadaylikethiswhenyouarepartoftheairand
rememberthings.
OnethingIrememberisthatthekidsusedtoplayagame.
Whatyouwoulddoistakeafootballorsomething,andoneperson
wouldhaveit,andalltheotherkidswouldtrytotacklethatkid.
Andthenwhoevergottheballnextwouldrunaroundwithit,and
thekidswouldtrytotacklehim.Thiscouldgoonforhours.I
neverreallyunderstoodthepointofthisgame,butmybrother
lovedit.Hedidn'tliketorunwiththeballsomuchashelikedto
tacklepeople.Thekidscalledthegame"smearthequeer."Ididn't
reallythinkaboutwhatthatmeansuntilnow.
PatricktoldmethestoryabouthimandBrad,andnowI
understandwhyPatrickdidn'tgetangryatBradatthehomecoming
dancefordancingwithagirl.Whentheywerebothjuniors,
PatrickandBradwereatapartytogetherwiththerestofthe
popularkids.PatrickactuallyusedtobepopularbeforeSam
boughthimsomegoodmusic.
PatrickandBradbothgotprettydrunkatthisparty.Actually,
PatricksaidthatBradwaspretendingtobealotdrunkerthanhe
reallywas.Theyweresittinginthebasementwithsomegirl
namedHeather,andwhenshelefttogotothebathroom,Bradand
Patrickwereleftalone.Patricksaiditwasuncomfortableand
excitingforbothofthem.
"You'reinMr.Brosnahan'sclass,right?"
"HaveyouevergonetoaPinkFloydLaserLightShow?"
"Beerbeforeliquor.Neversicker."
Whentheyranoutofsmalltalk,theyjustlookedateachother.
Andtheyendedupfoolingaroundrightthereinthebasement.
Patricksaiditwasliketheweightofthewholeworldleftboththeir
shoulders.
ButMondayinschool,Bradkeptsayingthesamething.
"Man,Iwassowasted.Idon'trememberathing."
Hesaidittoeveryonewhowasattheparty.Hesaiditafew
timestothesamepeople.HeevensaidittoPatrick.Nobodysaw
PatrickandBradfoolaround,butBradkeptsayingitanyway.That
Friday,therewasanotherparty.Andthistime,PatrickandBrad
gotstonedalthoughPatricksaidthatBradwaspretendingtobea
lotmorestonedthanhereallywas.Andtheyendedupfooling
aroundagain.AndMondayinschool,Braddidthesamething.
"Man,Iwassowasted.Idon'trememberathing."
Thiswentonforsevenmonths.
ItgottoapointwhereBradwasgettingstonedordrunkbefore
school.It'snotlikeheandPatrickwerefoolingaroundinschool.
TheyonlyfooledaroundatpartiesonFridays,butPatricksaid
Bradcouldn'tevenlookathiminthehall,letalonespeakwith
him.Anditwashard,too,becausePatrickreallylikedBrad.
Whensummercame,Braddidn'thavetoworryaboutschoolor
anything,sohisdrinkingandsmokinggotalotworse.Therewasa
bigpartyatPatrickandSam'shousewiththelessthanpopular
crowd.Bradshowedup,whichcausedquiteastirbecausehewas
popular,butPatrickkeptasecretastowhyBradcametotheparty.
Whenmostpeopleleft,BradandPatrickwentintoPatrick'sroom.
Theyhadsexforthefirsttimethatnight.
Idon'twanttogointodetailaboutitbecauseit'sprettyprivate
stuff,butIwillsaythatBradassumedtheroleofthegirlinterms
ofwhereyouputthings.Ithinkthat'sprettyimportanttotellyou.
Whentheywerefinished,Bradstartedtocryreallyhard.Hehad
beendrinkingalot.Andgettingreallyreallystoned.
NomatterwhatPatrickdid,Bradkeptcrying.Bradwouldn't
evenletPatrickholdhim,whichseemsrathersadtomebecauseif
Ihavesexwithsomeone,Iwouldwanttoholdthem.
Finally,PatrickjustpulledupBrad'spants,andsaidtohim.
"Justpretendyou'repassedout."
Then,Patrickgotdressedandwalkedaroundthehousetogo
intothepartyfromadifferentdirectionthanhisbedroom.Hewas
alsocryingprettybad,andhedecidedifanyoneaskedhim,he
wouldsayhiseyeswereredfromsmokingpot.Finally,heshook
himselfoutofitandwalkedintothemainpartyroom.Heacted
reallydrunk.HewenttoSam."HaveyouseenBrad?"Samsaw
thelookinPatrick'seyes.Then,shespokeuptotheparty.
"Hey,hasanyoneseenBrad?"
Nobodyatthepartyhad,soafewpeoplewenttosearchfor
him.TheyfinallyfoundhiminPatrick'sroom...asleep.
Finally,PatrickcalledBrad'sparentsbecausehewasreally
worriedabouthim.Hedidn'ttellthemwhy,buthesaidthatBrad
wasreallysickatthispartyandneededtobetakenhome.Brad's
parentsdidcome,andBrad'sfather,alongwithsomeoftheother
boysincludingPatrick,carriedBradtothecar.
Patrickdoesn'tknowifBradwasreallyasleepornotatthat
point,butifhewasn't,itwasagoodactingjob.Brad'sparentssent
himtorehabilitationbecauseBrad'sfatherdidn'twanthimtomiss
hischanceatafootballscholarship.Patrickdidn'tseeBradforthe
restofthesummer.
Brad'sparentsneverdidfigureoutwhytheirsonwasgetting
stonedanddrunkallthetime.Neitherdidanybodyelse.Except
thepeoplewhoknew.
Whentheschoolyearstarted,BradavoidedPatrickalot.He
neverwenttothesamepartiesasPatrickoranythinguntilalittle
overamonthago.ThatwasthenighthethrewrocksatPatrick's
windowandtoldPatrickthatnobodycouldknow,andPatrick
understood.Theyonlyseeeachothernowatnightongolfcourses
andatpartieslikeBob'swherethepeoplearequietandunderstand
thesethings.
IaskedPatrickifhefeltsadthathehadtokeepitasecret,and
Patrickjustsaidthathewasn'tsadbecauseatleastnow,Brad
doesn'thavetogetdrunkorstonedtomakelove.
Lovealways,
Charlie
BillgavememyfirstBinadvancedEnglishclassformypaper
onPeterPan!Totellyouthetruth,Idon'tknowwhatIdid
differentlyfromtheotherpapers.Hetoldmethatmysenseof
languageisimprovingalongwithmysentencestructure.Ithink
it'sgreatthatIcouldbeimprovingonthesethingswithout
noticing.Bytheway,BillgivesmeA'sonmyreportcardsand
letterstomyparents.Thegradesonthesepapersarejustbetween
us.
IhavedecidedthatmaybeIwanttowritewhenIgrowup.I
justdon'tknowwhatIwouldwrite.
IthoughtaboutmaybewritingformagazinesjustsoIcouldsee
anarticlethatdidn'tsaythingslikeImentionedbefore."As
wipedthehoneymustardoffofherlips,shespoketomeabouther
thirdhusbandandthehealingpowerofcrystals."Buthonestly,I
thinkIwouldbeaverybadreporterbecauseIcan'timaginesitting
acrossthetablefromapoliticianoramoviestarandaskingthem
questions.IthinkIwouldprobablyjustaskfortheirautographfor
mymomorsomething.Iwouldprobablygetfiredfordoingthis.
So,Ithoughtaboutmaybewritingforanewspaperinsteadbecause
Icouldaskregularpeoplequestions,butmysistersaysthat
newspapersalwayslie.Idonotknowifthisistrue,soI'lljusthave
toseewhenIgetolder.
IdidstartworkingforafanzinecalledPunkRocky.It'sthis
xeroxmagazineaboutpunkrockandTheRockyHorrorPicture
Show.Idon'twriteforit,butIhelpout.
MaryElizabethisinchargeofit,justlikesheisinchargeofthe
localRockyHorrorPictureShowshowings.MaryElizabethisa
veryinterestingpersonbecauseshehasatattoothatsymbolizes
Buddhismandabellybuttonringandwearsherhairtomake
somebodymad,butwhenshe'sinchargeofsomething,sheacts
likemydadwhenhecomeshomefroma"longday."Sheisa
senior,andshesaysthatmysisterisateaseandasnob.Itoldher
nottosayanythinglikethataboutmysisteragain.
OfallthethingsI'vedonethisyearsofar,IthinkIlikeThe
RockyHorrorPictureShowthebest.PatrickandSamtookmeto
thetheatertoseeitonHalloweennight.It'sreallyfunbecauseall
thesekidsdressuplikethepeopleinthemovie,andtheyactout
themovieinfrontofthescreen.Also,peopleshoutatthemovie
oncue.Iguessyouprobablyknowthisalready,butIthoughtI'd
sayitanywayincaseyoudidn't.
Patrickplays"Frank'NotFurter."Samplays"Janet."Itisvery
hardtowatchthemoviebecauseSamwalksaroundinher
underwearwhensheplaysJanet.Iamreallytryingnottothinkof
herthatway,whichisbecomingincreasinglydifficult.
Totellyouthetruth,IloveSam.It'snotamoviekindoflove
either.Ijustlookathersometimes,andIthinksheistheprettiest
andnicestpersoninthewholeworld.Sheisalsoverysmartand
fun.IwroteherapoemafterIsawherinTheRockyHorror
PictureShow,butIdidn'tshowittoherbecauseIwas
embarrassed.Iwouldwriteitoutforyou,butIthinkthatwouldbe
disrespectfultoSam.
ThethingisthatSamisnowgoingoutwithaboynamedCraig.
Craigisolderthanmybrother.Ithinkhemayevenbetwenty
onebecausehedrinksredwine.Craigplays"Rocky"intheshow.
PatricksaysthatCraigis"cutandhunky."Idonotknowwhere
Patrickfindshisexpressions.
ButIguessthathe'sright,Craigiscutandhunky.Heisalsoa
verycreativeperson.He'sputtinghimselfthroughtheArtInstitute
herebybeingamalemodelforJCPenneycatalogsandthingslike
that.Helikestotakephotographs,andI'veseenafewofthem,and
theyareverygood.ThereisthisonephotographofSamthatis
justbeautiful.Itwouldbeimpossibletodescribehowbeautifulit
is,butI'lltry.
Ifyoulistentothesong"Asleep,"andyouthinkaboutthose
prettyweatherdaysthatmakeyourememberthings,andyouthink
abouttheprettiesteyesyou'veknown,andyoucry,andtheperson
holdsyouback,thenIthinkyouwillseethephotograph.
IwantSamtostoplikingCraig.
Now,Iguessmaybeyouthinkthat'sbecauseIamjealousof
him.I'mnot.Honest.It'sjustthatCraigdoesn'treallylistento
herwhenshetalks.Idon'tmeanthathe'sabadguybecausehe's
not.It'sjustthathealwayslooksdistracted.
It'slikehewouldtakeaphotographofSam,andthephotograph
wouldbebeautiful.Andhewouldthinkthatthereasonthe
photographwasbeautifulwasbecauseofhowhetookit.IfItook
it,Iwouldknowthattheonlyreasonit'sbeautifulisbecauseof
Sam.
Ijustthinkit'sbadwhenaboylooksatagirlandthinksthatthe
wayheseesthegirlisbetterthanthegirlactuallyis.AndIthink
it'sbadwhenthemosthonestwayaboycanlookatagirlis
throughacamera.It'sveryhardformetoseeSamfeelbetter
aboutherselfjustbecauseanolderboyseesherthatway.
Iaskedmysisteraboutthis,andshesaidthatSamhaslowself
esteem.MysisteralsosaidthatSamhadareputationwhenshe
wasasophomore.Accordingtomysister,Samusedtobea"blow
queen."IhopeyouknowwhatthatmeansbecauseIreallycan't
thinkaboutSamanddescribeittoyou.
IamreallyinlovewithSam,andithurtsverymuch.
Ididaskmysisterabouttheboyatthedance.Shewouldn'ttalk
aboutituntilIpromisedthatIwouldn'ttellanybody,notevenBill.
So,Ipromised.Shesaidthatshehasbeenseeingthisboysecretly
sinceDadsaidshecouldn't.Shesaysshethinksabouthimwhen
he'snotthere.Shesaysthey'regoingtogetmarriedaftertheyboth
finishcollege,andhefinisheslawschool.
Shetoldmenottoworrybecausehehasn'thithersincethat
night.Andshesaidnottoworrybecausehewon'thitheragain.
Shereallydidn'tsayanymoreotherthanthat,althoughshekept
talking.
Itwasnicesittingwithmysisterthatnightbecauseshealmost
neverlikestotalktome.Iwassurprisedthatshetoldmeasmuch
asshedid,butIguessthatsinceshe'skeepingthingssecret,she
can'ttellanybody.AndIguessshewasjustdyingtotell
somebody.
Butasmuchasshetoldmenotto,Idoworryalotabouther.
Sheismysister,afterall.
Lovealways,
Charlie
IloveTwinkies,andthereasonIamsayingthatisbecausewe
areallsupposedtothinkofreasonstolive.Inscienceclass,Mr.
As.toldusaboutanexperimentwheretheygotthisratormouse,
andtheyputthisratormouseononesideofacage.Ontheother
sideofthecage,theyputalittlepieceoffood.Andthisrator
mousewouldwalkovertothefoodandeat.Then,theyputtherat
ormousebackonxsdcoriginalside,andthistime,theyput
electricityallthroughthefloorwheretheratormousewouldhave
towalktogetthepieceoffood.Theydidthisforawhile,andthe
ratormousestoppedgoingtogetthefoodatacertainamountof
voltage.Then,theyrepeatedtheexperiment,buttheyreplacedthe
foodwithsomethingthatgavetheratormouseintensepleasure.I
don'tknowwhatitwasthatgavethemintensepleasure,butIam
guessingitissomekindofratormousenip.Anyway,whatthe
scientistsfoundoutwasthattheratormousewouldputupwitha
lotmorevoltageforthepleasure.Evenmorethanforthefood.
Idon'tknowthesignificanceofthis,butIfinditvery
interesting.
Lovealways,
Charlie
It'sstartingtogetcoldandfrostyhere.Theprettyfallweather
isprettymuchgone.Thegoodnewsisthatwehaveholidays
comingup,whichIloveespeciallynowbecausemybrotherwillbe
cominghomesoon.MaybeevenforThanksgiving!AtleastIhope
hedoesformymom.
Mybrotherhasn'tcalledhomeinafewweeksnow,andMom
justkeepstalkingabouthisgradesandsleepinghabitsandthe
foodsheeats,andmydadkeepssayingthesamething.
"He'snotgoingtogetinjured."
Personally,Iliketothinkmybrotherishavingacollege
experienceliketheydointhemovies.Idon'tmeanthebig
fraternitypartykindofmovie.Morelikethemoviewheretheguy
meetsasmartgirlwhowearsalotofsweatersanddrinkscocoa.
Theytalkaboutbooksandissuesandkissintherain.Ithink
somethinglikethatwouldbeverygoodforhim,especiallyifthe
girlwereunconventionallybeautiful.Theyarethebestkindof
girls,Ithink.Ipersonallyfind"supermodels"strange.Idon't
knowwhythisis.
Mybrother,ontheotherhand,haspostersof"supermodels"
andcarsandbeerandthingslikethatonthewallsinhisroom.I
supposeifyouaddadirtyfloor,it'sprobablywhathisdormroom
lookslike.Mybrotheralwayshatedmakinghisbed,buthekept
hisclothesclosetveryorganized.Gofigure.
Thethingis,whenmybrotherdoescallhome,hedoesn'tsaya
lot.Hetalksabouthisclassesalittlebit,butmostlyhetalksabout
thefootballteam.Thereisalotofattentionontheteambecause
theyareverygood,andtheyhavesomereallybigplayers.My
brothersaidthatoneoftheguyswillprobablybeamillionaire
someday,butthatheis"dumbasapost."Iguessthat'spretty
dumb.
Mybrothertoldthisonestorywherethewholeteamwassitting
aroundthelockerroom,talkingaboutallthestufftheyhadtodoto
getintocollegefootball.Theyfinallygotaroundtotalkingabout
SATscores,whichIhavenevertaken.
Andthisguysaid,"Igota710."
Andmybrothersaid,"Mathorverbal?"
Andtheguysaid,"Huh?"
Andthewholeteamlaughed.
Ialwayswantedtobeonasportsteamlikethat.I'mnotexactly
surewhy,butIalwaysthoughtitwouldbefuntohave"glory
days."Then,Iwouldhavestoriestotellmychildrenandgolf
buddies.IguessIcouldtellpeopleaboutPunkRockyandwalking
homefromschoolandthingslikethat.Maybethesearemyglory
days,andI'mnotevenrealizingitbecausetheydon'tinvolveaball.
IusedtoplaysportswhenIwaslittle,andIwasactuallyvery
good,buttheproblemwasthatitusedtomakemetooaggressive,
sothedoctorstoldmymomIwouldhavetostop.
Mydadhadglorydaysonce.I'veseenpicturesofhimwhenhe
wasyoung.Hewasaveryhandsomeman.Idon'tknowanyother
waytoputit.Helookedlikealloldpictureslook.Oldpictures
lookveryruggedandyoung,andthepeopleinthephotographs
alwaysseemalothappierthanyouare.
Mymotherlooksbeautifulinoldpictures.Sheactuallylooks
morebeautifulthananyoneexceptmaybeSam.Sometimes,Ilook
atmyparentsnowandwonderwhathappenedtomakethemthe
waytheyare.AndthenIwonderwhatwillhappentomysister
whenherboyfriendgraduatesfromlawschool.Andwhatmy
brother'sfacewilllooklikeonafootballcard,orwhatitwilllook
likeifitisneveronafootballcard.Mydadplayedcollege
baseballfortwoyears,buthehadtostopwhenMomgotpregnant
withmybrother.That'swhenhestartedworkingattheoffice.I
honestlydon'tknowwhatmydaddoes.
Hetellsastorysometimes.Itisagreatstory.Ithastodowith
thestatechampionshipforbaseballwhenhewasinhighschool.It
wasthebottomoftheninthinning,andtherewasarunneronfirst.
Thereweretwoouts,andmydad'steamwasbehindbyonerun.
Mydadwasyoungerthanmostofthevarsityteambecausehewas
onlyasophomore,andIthinktheteamthoughthewasgoingto
blowthegame.Hehadallthispressureonhim.Hewasreally
nervous.Andreallyscared.Butafterafewpitches,hesaidhe
startedfeeling"inthezone."Whenthepitcherwoundupandthrew
thenextball,heknewexactlywherethatballwasgoingtobe.He
hititharderthananyotherballheeverhitinhiswholelife.And
hemadeahomerun,andhisteamwonthestatechampionship.
Thegreatestthingaboutthisstoryisthateverytimemydadtellsit,
itneverchanges.He'snotonetoexaggerate.
IthinkaboutallthissometimeswhenI'mwatchingafootball
gamewithPatrickandSam.Ilookatthefield,andIthinkabout
theboywhojustmadethetouchdown.Ithinkthatthesearethe
glorydaysforthatboy,andthismomentwilljustbeanotherstory
somedaybecauseallthepeoplewhomaketouchdownsandhome
runswillbecomesomebody'sdad.Andwhenhischildrenlookat
hisyearbookphotograph,theywillthinkthattheirdadwasrugged
andhandsomeandlookedalothappierthantheyare.
IjusthopeIremembertotellmykidsthattheyareashappyasI
lookinmyoldphotographs.AndIhopethattheybelieveme.
Lovealways,
Charlie
Mybrotherfinallycalledyesterday,andhecan'tmakeithome
foranypartofThanksgivingweekendbecauseheisbehindon
schoolbecauseoffootball.Mymomwassoupsetthatshetookme
shoppingfornewclothes.
IknowyouthinkwhatI'mabouttowriteisanexaggeration,but
Ipromiseyouthatitisn't.Fromthetimewegotintothecartothe
timewecamehome,mymomliterallydidnotstoptalking.Not
once.NotevenwhenIwasinthedressingroomtryingon
"slacks."
Shejuststoodoutsidethedressingroomandworriedoutloud.
Thethingsshesaidwentallovertheplace.First,itwasthatmy
dadshould'veinsistedthatmybrothercomehomeifonlyforan
afternoon.Then,itwasthatmysisterhadbetterstartthinking
moreaboutherfutureandstartapplyingto"safety"schoolsincase
thegoodonesdon'tworkout.Andthenshestartedsayingthat
graywasagoodcolorforme.
Iunderstandhowmymomthinks.Ireallydo.
It'slikewhenwewerelittle,andwewouldgotothegrocery
store.Mysisterandbrotherwouldfightaboutthingsthatmysister
andbrotherwouldfightabout,andIwouldsitatthebottomofthe
shoppingcart.Andmymomwouldbesoupsetbytheendof
shoppingthatshewouldpushthecartfast,andIwouldfeellikeI
wasinasubmarine.
YesterdaywaslikethatexceptnowIgottositinthefrontseat.
WhenIsawSamandPatrickatschooltoday,theybothagreed
thatmymomhasverygoodtasteinclothing.Itoldmymomthis
whenIgothomefromschool,andshesmiled.SheaskedmeifI
wantedtoinviteSamandPatrickoverfordinnersometimeafter
theholidaysareoverbecausemymomgetsnervousenoughasitis
duringtheholidays.IcalledSamandPatrick,andtheysaidthey
would.
I'mreallyexcited!
ThelasttimeIhadafriendovertodinnerwasMichaellastyear.
Wehadtacos.ThereallygreatpartwasthatMichaelstayedoverto
sleep.Weendedupsleepingverylittle.Wemostlyjusttalked
aboutthingslikegirlsandmoviesandmusic.TheonepartI
rememberdistinctlywaswalkingaroundtheneighborhoodat
night.Myparentswereasleepalongwiththerestofthehouses.
Michaellookedintoallthewindows.Itwasdarkandquiet.
Hesaid,"Doyouthinkthosepeoplearenice?"
Isaid,"TheAndersons?Yeah.They'reold."
"Whataboutthosepeople?"
"Well,Mrs.Lambertdoesn'tlikebaseballsgoingintoheryard."
"Whataboutthosepeople?"
"Mrs.Tannerhasbeenvisitinghermotherforthreemonths.
Mr.Tannerspendshisweekendssittingonthebackporchand
listeningtobaseballgames.Idon'treallyknowifthey'reniceor
notbecausetheydon'thavechildren."
"Isshesick?"
"Iswhosick?"
"Mrs.Tanner'smother."
"Idon'tthinkso.Mymomwouldknow,andshedidn'tsay
anything."
Michaelnodded."They'regettingadivorce."
"Youthinkso?"
"Uhhuh."
Wejustkeptwalking.Michaelhadawayofwalkingquiet
sometimes.IguessIshouldmentionthatmymomheardthat
Michael'sparentsaredivorcednow.Shesaidthatonlyseventy
percentofmarriagesstaytogetherwhentheyloseachild.Ithink
shereaditinamagazinesomewhere.
Lovealways,
Charlie
Doyouenjoyholidayswithyourfamily?Idon'tmeanyour
momanddadfamily,butyouruncleandauntandcousinfamily?
Personally,Ido.Thereareseveralreasonsforthis.
First,Iamveryinterestedandfascinatedbyhoweveryoneloves
eachother,butnoonereallylikeseachother.Second,thefightsare
alwaysthesame.
Theyusuallystartwhenmymom'sdad(mygrandfather)
finisheshisthirddrink.Itisaroundthistimethathestartstotalka
lot.Mygrandfatherusuallyjustcomplainsaboutblackpeople
movingintotheoldneighborhood,andthenmysistergetsupsetat
him,andthenmygrandfathertellsherthatshedoesn'tknowwhat
she'stalkingaboutbecauseshelivesinthesuburbs.Andthenhe
sayshownoonevisitshiminhisretirementhome.Andfinallyhe
startstalkingaboutallofthefamily'ssecrets,likehowcousinso
andso"knockedup"thatwaitressfromtheBigBoy.Ishould
probablymentionthatmygrandfathercan'thearverywell,sohe
saysallofthesethingsreallyloud.
Mysistertriestofighthim,butsheneverwins.Mygrandfather
isdefinitelymorestubbornthansheis.Mymomusuallyhelpsher
auntpreparethefood,whichmygrandfatheralwayssaysis"too
dry"evenifit'ssoup.Andherauntwillthencryandlockherself
inthebathroom.
Thereisonlyonebathroominmygreataunt'shouse,sothis
turnstotroublewhenallthebeerstartstohitmycousins.They
standtwistedinbladderpositionsandbangonthedoorforafew
minutesandalmostcoaxmygreatauntout,butthenmy
grandfathercursessomethingatmygreataunt,andthecyclestarts
overagain.Withtheexceptionoftheoneholidaywhenmy
grandfatherpassedoutjustafterdinner,mycousinsalwayshaveto
gotothebathroomoutsideinthebushes.Ifyoulookoutthe
windowslikeIdo,youcanseethem,anditlookslikethey'reon
oneoftheirhuntingtrips.Ifeelterriblysorryformygirlcousins
andmyothergreatauntsbecausetheydon'treallyhavethebushes
option,especiallywhenit'scold.
Ishouldmentionthatmydadusuallyjustsitsrealquietand
drinks.Mydadisnotabigdrinkeratall,butwhenhehastospend
timewithmymom'sfamily,hegets"loaded,"asmycousinTommy
says.Deepdown,Ithinkmydadwouldratherspendtheholiday
withhisfamilyinOhio.Thatway,hewouldn'thavetobearound
mygrandfather.Hedoesn'tlikemygrandfatherverymuch,buthe
keepsquietaboutit.Evenontheridehome.Hejustdoesn'tthink
it'shisplace.
Astheeveningcomestoanend,mygrandfatherisusuallytoo
drunktodomuchofanything.Mydadandmybrotherandmy
cousinscarryhimouttothecarofthepersonwhoisleastangryat
him.Ithasalwaysbeenmyjobtoopendoorsforthemalongthe
way.Mygrandfatherisveryfat.
Iremembertherewasonetimethatmybrotherdrovemy
grandfatherbacktotheretirementhome,andIrodealong.My
brotheralwaysunderstoodmygrandfather.Herarelygotangryat
himunlessmygrandfathersaidsomethingmeanaboutmymomor
sisterormadeasceneinpublic.Irememberitwassnowingreally
hard,anditwasveryquiet.Almostpeaceful.Andmygrandfather
calmeddownandstartedtalkingadifferentkindoftalk.
Hetoldusthatwhenhewassixteen,hehadtoleaveschool
becausehisdaddied,andsomeonehadtosupportthefamily.He
talkedaboutthetimewhenhehadtogotothemillthreetimesa
daytoseeiftherewasanyworkforhim.Andhetalkedabouthow
colditwas.Andhowhungryhewasbecausehemadesurehis
familyalwaysatebeforehim.Thingshesaidwejustwouldn't
understandbecausewewerelucky.Then,hetalkedabouthis
daughters,mymomandAuntHelen.
"Iknowhowyourmomfeelsaboutme.IknowHelen,too.
Therewasonetime...Iwenttothemill...nowork...none....I
camehomeattwointhemorning...pissedandpissed...your
grandmothershowedmetheirreportcards...Cplusaverage...
andtheseweresmartgirls.So,IwentintotheirroomandIbeat
somesenseintothem...andwhenitwasdoneandtheywere
crying,Ijusthelduptheirreportcardsandsaid...`Thiswillnever
happenagain.'Shestilltalksaboutit...yourmother...butyou
knowsomething...itneverdidhappenagain...theywentto
college...bothofthem.IjustwishIcouldhavesentthem...I
alwayswantedtosendthem....IwishHelencouldhave
understoodthat.Ithinkyourmotherdid...deepdown...she'sa
goodwoman...youshouldbeproudofher."
WhenItoldmymomaboutthis,shejustlookedverysad
becausehecouldneversaythosethingstoher.Notever.Noteven
whenhewalkedherdowntheaisle.
ButthisThanksgivingwasdifferent.Itwasmybrother's
footballgame,whichwebroughtaVCRtapeofformyrelativesto
watch.ThewholefamilywasgatheredaroundtheTV,evenmy
greataunts,whoneverwatchfootball.I'llneverforgetthelookson
theirfaceswhenmybrothertookthefield.Itwasamixtureofall
things.Myonecousinworksinagasstation.Andmyother
cousinhasbeenoutofworkfortwoyearssinceheinjuredhis
hand.Andmyothercousinhasbeenwantingtogobacktocollege
foraroundsevenyears.Andmydadsaidoncethattheywerevery
jealousofmybrotherbecausehehadashotinlifeandwasactually
doingsomethingaboutit.
Butinthatmomentwhenmybrothertookthefield,allthat
washedaway,andeveryonewasproud.Atonepoint,mybrother
madeaverybigplayonthirddown,andeveryonecheeredeven
thoughsomeofushadalreadyseenthegamebefore.Ilookedup
atmydad,andhewassmiling.Ilookedatmymom,andshewas
smilingeventhoughshewasnervousaboutmybrothergetting
hurt,whichwasstrangebecauseitwasaVCRtapeofanoldgame,
andsheknewhedidn'tgethurt.Mygreatauntsandmycousins
andtheirchildrenandeveryonewerealsosmiling.Evenmysister.
Therewereonlytwopeoplewhoweren'tsmiling.Mygrandfather
andI.
Mygrandfatherwascrying.
Thekindofcryingthatisquietandasecret.Thekindofcrying
thatonlyInoticed.Ithoughtabouthimgoingintomymom's
roomwhenshewaslittleandhittingmymomandholdingupher
reportcardandsayingthatherbadgradeswouldneverhappen
again.AndIthinknowthatmaybehemeantmyolderbrother.Or
mysister.Orme.Thathewouldmakesurethathewasthelast
onetoworkinamill.
Idon'tknowifthat'sgoodorbad.Idon'tknowifit'sbetterto
haveyourkidsbehappyandnotgotocollege.Idon'tknowifit's
bettertobeclosewithyourdaughterormakesurethatshehasa
betterlifethanyoudo.Ijustdon'tknow.Iwasjustquiet,andI
watchedhim.
Whenthegamewasoveranddinnerwasfinished,everyonesaid
whattheywerethankfulfor.Alotofithadtodowithmybrother
orfamilyorchildrenorGod.Andeveryonemeantitwhenthey
saiditregardlessofwhatwouldhappentomorrow.Whenitcame
tomyturnIthoughtaboutitalotbecausethiswasmyfirsttime
sittingatthebigtablewithallthegrownupssincemybrother
wasn'theretotakehisseat.
"I'mthankfulthatmybrotherplayedfootballontelevisionso
nobodyfought."
Mostofthepeoplearoundthetablelookeduncomfortable.
Somelookedangry.MydadlookedlikeheknewIwasright,but
hedidn'twanttosayanythingbecauseitwasn'thisfamily.My
momwasnervousaboutwhatherdadwoulddo.Onlyoneperson
atthetablesaidanything.Itwasmygreataunt,theonewho
usuallylocksherselfinthebathroom.
"Amen."
Andsomehowthatmadeitallright.
Whenwewereallgettingreadytoleave,Iwalkeduptomy
grandfatherandgavehimahugandakissonthecheek.Hewiped
mylipprintoffwithhispalmandgavemealook.Hedoesn'tlike
theboysinthefamilytotouchhim.ButI'mverygladthatIdidit
anywayincasehedies.InevergottodothatwithmyAuntHelen.
Lovealways,
Charlie
December7,1991Dearfriend,
Haveyoueverheardofathingcalled"SecretSanta?"It'sthis
activitywhereagroupoffriendsdrawnamesoutofahat,andthey
aresupposedtobuyalotofChristmaspresentsforwhatever
persontheychoose.Thepresentsare"secretly"placedintheir
lockerswhenthey'renotthere.Then,attheend,youhaveaparty,
andallthepeoplerevealwhotheyreallyareastheygivetheirlast
presents.
Samstarteddoingthiswithhergroupoffriendsthreeyearsago.
Now,it'ssometradition.Andsupposedlythepartyattheendis
alwaysthebestoftheyear.Ithappensthenightafterourlastday
ofschoolbeforethebreak.
Idon'tknowwhogotme.IgotPatrick.
I'mreallygladIgotPatrickeventhoughIwishedforSam.I
haven'tseenPatrickinafewweeksexceptinshopclassbecausehe
hasbeenspendingmostofhistimewithBrad,sothinkingabout
presentsisagoodwaytothinkabouthim.
Thefirstpresentisgoingtobeamixtape.Ijustknowthatit
should.Ialreadyhavethesongspickedandatheme.It'scalled
"OneWinter."ButI'vedecidednottohandcolorthecover.The
firstsidehasalotofsongsbytheVillagePeopleandBlondie
becausePatricklikesthattypeofmusicalot.ItalsohasSmells
LikeTeenSpiritbyNirvana,whichSamandPatricklove.Butthe
secondsideistheoneIlikethemost.Ithaswinterkindofsongs.
Heretheyare:
AsleepbytheSmithsVapourTrailbyRideScarboroughFairby
SimonandGarfunkelAWhiterShadeofPalebyProcol
HarumTimeofNoReplybyNickDrakeDearPrudencebythe
BeatlesGypsybySuzanneVegaNightsinWhiteSatinbythe
Moody
BluesDaydreambySmashingPumpkinsDuskbyGenesis
(beforePhilCollinswas
evenintheband!)MLKbyUblebBlackbirdbytheBeatles
LandslidebyFleetwoodMac
Andfinally...
AsleepbytheSmiths(again!)
Ispentallnightworkingonit,andIhopePatricklikesitas
muchasIdo.Especiallythesecondside.Ihopeit'sthekindof
secondsidethathecanlistentowheneverhedrivesaloneandfeel
likehebelongstosomethingwheneverhe'ssad.Ihopeitcanbe
thatforhim.
IhadanamazingfeelingwhenIfinallyheldthetapeinmy
hand.Ijustthoughttomyselfthatinthepalmofmyhand,there
wasthisonetapethathadallofthesememoriesandfeelingsand
greatjoyandsadness.Rightthereinthepalmofmyhand.AndI
thoughtabouthowmanypeoplehavelovedthosesongs.Andhow
manypeoplegotthroughalotofbadtimesbecauseofthosesongs.
Andhowmanypeopleenjoyedgoodtimeswiththosesongs.And
howmuchthosesongsreallymean.Ithinkitwouldbegreatto
havewrittenoneofthosesongs.IbetifIwroteoneofthem,I
wouldbeveryproud.Ihopethepeoplewhowrotethosefsongs
arehappy.Ihopethattheyfeelit'senough.Ireallydobecause
they'vemademehappy.AndI'monlyoneperson.
Ican'twaittogetmydriver'slicense.It'scomingupsoon!
Incidentally,IhavenottoldyouaboutBillinawhile.ButI
guessthere'snotalottotellbecausehejustkeepsgivingmebooks
thathedoesn'tgivehisotherstudents,andIkeepreadingthem,
andhekeepsaskingmetowritepapers,andIdo.Inthelastmonth
orso,IhavereadTheGreatGatsbyandASeparatePeace.Iam
startingtoseearealtrendinthekindofbooksBillgivesmeto
read.Andjustlikethetapeofsongs,itisamazingtoholdeachof
theminthepalmofmyhand.Theyareallmyfavorites.Allof
them.
Lovealways,
Charlie
Patricklovedthetape!IthinkheknowsthatI'mhisSecret
Santa,though,becauseIthinkheknowsthatonlyIwoulddoa
tapelikethat.Healsoknowswhatmyhandwritinglookslike.I
don'tknowwhyIdon'tthinkofthesethingsuntilit'stoolate.I
reallyshouldhavesaveditformylastpresent.
Incidentally,IhavethoughtofmysecondgiftforPatrick.Itis
magneticpoetry.Haveyouheardofthis?Incaseyouhaven't,I
willexplain.Someguyorgirlputawholebunchofwordsona
sheetofmagnetandthencutthewordsintoseparatepieces.You
putthemonyourrefrigerator,andthenyouwritepoemswhileyou
makeasandwich.It'sveryfun.
ThegiftfrommySecretSantawasn'tanythingspecial.That
makesmesad.IbetyouanythingthatMaryElizabethismySecret
Santabecauseonlyshewouldgivemesocks.
Lovealways,
Charlie
Ihavesincereceivedthriftstore"slacks."Ihavealsoreceiveda
tie,awhiteshirt,shoes,andanoldbelt.I'mguessingthatmylast
giftatthepartywillbeasuitcoatbecauseit'stheonlythingleft.I
wastoldbyatypednotetoweareverythingIhadbeengiventothe
party.Ihopethereissomethingbehindthis.
ThegoodnewsisthatPatricklikedallmygiftsverymuch.Gift
numberthreewasasetofwatercolorpaintsandsomepaper.I
thoughthemightliketogetthemevenifheneverusesthem.Gift
numberfourwasaharmonicaandabookaboutplayingit.Iguess
it'sprobablythesamegiftasthewatercolors,butIreallythinkthat
everyoneshouldhavewatercolors,magneticpoetry,anda
harmonica.
MylastgiftbeforethepartyisabookcalledTheMayorof
CastroStreet.ItisaboutamannamedHarveyMilk,whowasa
gayleaderinSanFrancisco.IwenttothelibrarywhenPatricktold
mehewasgay,andIdidsomeresearchbecauseIhonestlydidn't
knowmuchaboutit.Ifoundanarticleaboutadocumentarymovie
aboutHarveyMilk.AndwhenIcouldn'tfindthemovie,Ijust
searchedforhisname,andIfoundthisbook.
Ihavenotreaditmyself,butthedescriptiononthebook
seemedverygood.IhopethatitmeanssomethingtoPatrick.I
can'twaitfortheparty,soIcangivePatrickmypartypresent.
Incidentally,Ihavetakenallmyfinalsforthesemester,andithas
beenverybusy,andIwouldhavetoldyouallaboutit,butitjust
doesn'tseemasinterestingastheseotherthingsthathavetodo
withholidays.
Lovealways,
Charlie
Wow.Wow.Icanpaintthepictureforyouifyoulike.Weare
allsittinginSamandPatrick'shouse,whichIhadneverseen
before.Itwasarichhouse.Veryclean.Andwewereallgiving
ourfinalpresents.Theoutsidelightswereon,anditwassnowing,
anditlookedlikemagic.Likeweweresomewhereelse.Likewe
weresomeplacebetter.
ItwasthefirsttimeIhadevermetSamandPatrick'sparents.
Theyweresonice.Sam'smomisveryprettyandtellsgreatjokes.
Samsaidsheusedtobeanactresswhenshewasyounger.
Patrick'sdadisverytallandhasagreathandshake.Heisalsoa
verygoodcook.Alotofparentsmakeyoufeelveryawkward
whenyoumeetthem.ButnotSamandPatrick's.Theywere
friendlyallthroughdinner,andwhendinnerwasover,theyleftso
wecouldhaveourparty.Theydidn'tevencheckonusoranything.
Notonce.Theyjustletuspretenditwasourhouse.So,we
decidedtohavethepartyinthe"games"room,whichhadno
gamesbutagreatrug.
WhenIrevealedthatIwasPatrick'sSecretSanta,everyone
laughedbecauseeveryoneknew,andPatrickdidhisbest
impersonationofbeingsurprised,whichwasniceofhim.Then,
everyoneaskedwhatmylastgiftwas,andItoldthemitwasa
poemIreadalongtimeago.ItwasapoemthatMichaelmadea
copyofforme.AndIhavereaditathousandtimessincebecause
Idon'tknowwhowroteit.Idon'tknowifitwaseverinabookor
aclass.AndIdon'tknowhowoldthepersonwas.ButIknowthat
Iwanttoknowhimorher.Iwanttoknowthatthispersonisokay.
So,everyoneaskedmetostandupandreadthepoem.AndI
wasn'tshybecauseweweretryingtoactlikegrownups,andwe
drankbrandy.AndIwaswarm.I'mstillalittlewarm,butIhave
totellyouthis.So,Istoodup,andjustbeforeIreadthispoem,I
askedeveryoneiftheyknewwhowroteittopleasetellme.
WhenIwasdonereadingthepoem,everyonewasquiet.Avery
sadquiet.Buttheamazingthingwasthatitwasn'tabadsadatall.
Itwasjustsomethingthatmadeeveryonelookaroundateachother
andknowthattheywerethere.SamandPatricklookedatme.
AndIlookedatthem.AndIthinktheyknew.Notanything
specificreally.Theyjustknew.AndIthinkthat'sallyoucanever
askfromafriend.
That'swhenPatrickputonthesecondsideofthetapeImade
forhimandpouredeveryoneanotherglassofbrandy.Iguesswe
alllookedalittlesillydrinkingit,butwedidn'tfeelsilly.Icantell
youthat.
Asthesongskeptplaying,MaryElizabethstoodup.Butshe
wasn'tholdingasuitcoat.Itturnsoutthatshewasn'tmySecret
Santaatall.ShewastheSecretSantatotheothergirlwiththe
tattooandbellybuttonring,whoserealnameisAlice.Shegave
hersomeblacknailpolishthatAlicehadhadhereyeon.And
Alicewasverygrateful.Ijustsatthere,lookingaroundtheroom.
Lookingforthesuitcoat.Notknowingwhocouldpossiblybe
holdingit.
Samstoodupnext,andshegaveBobahandcraftedNative
Americanmarijuanapipe,whichseemedappropriate.
Morepeoplegavemoregifts.Andmorehugswereexchanged.
Andfinally,itcametotheend.NoonewasleftexceptforPatrick.
Andhestoodupandwalkedintothekitchen.
"Doesanyonewantanychips?"
Everyonedid.AndhecameoutwiththreetubesofPringles
andasuitcoat.Andhewalkeduptome.Andhesaidthatallthe
greatwritersusedtowearsuitsallthetime.
So,IputonthesuiteventhoughIdidn'tfeellikeIreally
deservedtosinceallIwriteareessaysforBill,butitwassucha
nicepresent,andeveryoneclappedtheirhandsanyway.Samand
PatrickbothagreedIlookedhandsome.MaryElizabethsmiled.I
thinkitwasthefirsttimeinmylifeIeverfeltlikeIlooked"good."
DoyouknowwhatImean?Thatnicefeelingwhenyoulookinthe
mirror,andyourhair'srightforthefirsttimeinyourlife?Idon't
thinkweshouldbasesomuchonweight,muscles,andagoodhair
day,butwhenithappens,it'snice.Itreallyis.
Therestoftheeveningwasveryspecial.Sincealotofpeople
weregoingawaywiththeirfamiliestoplaceslikeFloridaand
Indiana,weallexchangedpresentswiththepeopleweweren't
SecretSantasfor.
BobgavePatrickaneighthofmarijuanawithaChristmascard
attached.Heevenwrappedit.MaryElizabethgaveSamearrings.
SodidAlice.AndSamgavethemearrings,too.Ithinkthatisa
privategirlthing.Ihavetoadmit,Ifeltalittlesadbecauseother
thanSamandPatrick,nobodygotmeapresent.IguessI'mnotthat
closewiththem,soitmakessense.ButIstillfeltalittlesad.
Andthenitcametomyturn.IgaveBobalittleplastictubeof
soapbubblesbecauseitjustseemedtofithispersonality.IguessI
wasright.
"Toomuch,"wasallhesaid.
Hespenttherestofthenightblowingbubblesattheceiling.
NextwasAlice.IgaveherabookbyAnneRicebecausesheis
alwaystalkingabouther.Andshelookedatmelikeshecouldn't
believeIknewshelovedAnneRice.Iguessshedidn'tknowhow
muchshetalkedorhowmuchIlisten.Butshethankedmeallthe
same.NextcameMaryElizabeth.Igaveherfortydollarsinsidea
card.Thecardsaidsomethingprettysimple:"Tobespenton
printingPunkRockyincolornexttime."
Andshelookedatmefunny.Then,theyallstartedtolookat
mefunnyexceptforSamandPatrick.Ithinktheystartedfeeling
badbecausetheydidn'tgetmeanything.ButIdon'tthinkthey
shouldhavebecauseIdon'tthinkthat'sthepointreally.Mary
Elizabethjustsmiled,andsaidthanks,andthenstoppedlookingat
meintheeye.
LastcameSam.Ihadbeenthinkingaboutthispresentfora
longtime.IthinkIthoughtaboutthispresentfromthefirsttimeI
reallysawher.NotmetherorsawherbutthefirsttimeIreally
sawherifyouknowwhatImean.Therewasacardattached.
Insidethecard,ItoldSamthatthepresentIgaveherwasgiven
tomebymyAuntHelen.Itwasanold45recordthathadthe
Beatles'song"Something."IusedtolistentoitallthetimewhenI
waslittleandthinkingaboutgrownupthings.Iwouldgotomy
bedroomwindowandstareatmyreflectionintheglassandthe
treesbehinditandjustlistentothesongforhours.Idecidedthen
thatwhenImetsomeoneIthoughtwasasbeautifulasthesong,I
shouldgiveittothatperson.AndIdidn'tmeanbeautifulonthe
outside.Imeantbeautifulinallways.So,IwasgivingittoSam.
Samlookedatmesoft.Andshehuggedme.AndIclosedmy
eyesbecauseIwantedtoknownothingbutherarms.Andshe
kissedmycheekandwhisperedsonobodycouldhear.
"Iloveyou."
Iknewthatshemeantitinafriendway,butIdidn'tcare
becauseitwasthethirdtimesincemyAuntHelendiedthatIheard
itfromanyone.Theothertwotimeswerefrommymom.
Afterthat,Icouldn'tbelievethatSamactuallygotmeapresent
becauseIhonestlythoughtthatthe"Iloveyou"wasit.Butshedid
getmeapresent.Andforthefirsttime,somethingnicelikethat
mademesmileandnotcry.IguessSamandPatrickwenttothe
samethriftstorebecausetheirgiftswenttogether.Shetookmeto
herroomandstoodmeinfrontofherdresser,whichwascovered
inapillowcasewithprettycolors.Sheliftedoffthepillowcase,
andthereIwas,standinginmyoldsuit,lookingatanold
typewriterwithafreshribbon.Insidethetypewriterwasapieceof
whitepaper.
Onthatpieceofwhitepaper,Samwrote,"Writeaboutme
sometime."AndItypedsomethingbacktoher,standingrightthere
inherbedroom.Ijusttyped.
"Iwill."
AndIfeltgoodthatthosewerethefirsttwowordsthatIever
typedonmynewoldtypewriterthatSamgaveme.Wejustsat
therequietforamoment,andshesmiled.AndImovedtothe
typewriteragain,andIwrotesomething.
"Iloveyou,too."
AndSamlookedatthepaper,andshelookedatme.
"Charlie...haveyoueverkissedagirl?"
Ishookmyheadno.Itwassoquiet.
"Notevenwhenyouwerelittle?"
Ishookmyheadnoagain.Andshelookedverysad.
Shetoldmeaboutthefirsttimeshewaskissed.Shetoldme
thatitwaswithoneofherdad'sfriends.Shewasseven.Andshe
toldnobodyaboutitexceptforMaryElizabethandthenPatricka
yearago.Andshestartedtocry.AndshesaidsomethingthatI
won'tforget.Ever.
"IknowthatyouknowthatIlikeCraig.AndIknowthatItold
younottothinkofmethatway.AndIknowthatwecan'tbe
togetherlikethat.ButIwanttoforgetallthosethingsforaminute.
Okay?"
"Okay."
"Iwanttomakesurethatthefirstpersonyoukisslovesyou.
Okay?"
"Okay."Shewascryinghardernow.AndIwas,too,because
whenIhearsomethinglikethatIjustcan'thelpit.
"Ijustwanttomakesureofthat.Okay?"
"Okay."
Andshekissedme.ItwasthekindofkissthatIcouldnever
tellmyfriendsaboutoutloud.Itwasthekindofkissthatmade
meknowthatIwasneversohappyinmywholelife.
Onceonayellowpieceofpaperwithgreen
lineshewroteapoemAndhecalledit"Chops"becausethat
wasthenameofhisdogAndthat'swhatitwasallaboutAndhis
teachergavehimanAandagoldstarAndhismotherhungiton
thekitchendoorandreadittohisaunts
ThatwastheyearFatherTracytookallthekidstothezooAnd
heletthemsingonthebusAndhislittlesisterwasbornwithtiny
toenailsandnohairAndhismotherandfatherkissedalotAndthe
girlaroundthecornersenthimaValentinesignedwitharowof
X'sandhehadtoaskhisfatherwhattheX'smeantAndhisfather
alwaystuckedhiminbedatnightAndwasalwaystheretodoit
Onceonapieceofwhitepaperwithblue
lineshewroteapoemAndhecalledit"Autumn"becausethat
wasthenameoftheseasonAndthat'swhatitwasallaboutAnd
histeachergavehimanAandaskedhimtowritemoreclearlyAnd
hismotherneverhungitonthekitchendoorbecauseofitsnew
paintAndthekidstoldhimthatFatherTracysmokedcigarsAnd
leftbuttsonthepewsAndsometimestheywouldburnholesThat
wastheyearhissistergotglasseswiththicklensesandblack
framesAndthegirlaroundthecornerlaughedwhenheaskedher
togoseeSantaClausAndthekidstoldhimwhyhismotherand
fatherkissedalotAndhisfathernevertuckedhiminbedatnight
Andhisfathergotmadwhenhecriedforhimtodoit.
OnceonapapertornfromhisnotebookhewroteapoemAnd
hecalledit"Innocence:AQuestion"becausethatwasthequestion
abouthisgirlAndthat'swhatitwasallaboutAndhisprofessor
gavehimanAandastrangesteadylookAndhismothernever
hungitonthekitchendoorbecausehenevershowedherThatwas
theyearthatFatherTracydiedAndheforgothowtheendofthe
Apostle'sCreedwentAndhecaughthissistermakingoutonthe
backporchAndhismotherandfatherneverkissedoreventalked
AndthegirlaroundthecornerworetoomuchmakeupThatmade
himcoughwhenhekissedherbuthekissedheranywaybecause
thatwasthethingtodoAndatthreeA.M.hetuckedhimselfinto
bedhisfathersnoringsoundlyThat'swhyonthebackofabrown
paperbaghetriedanotherpoemAndhecalledit"Absolutely
Nothing"Becausethat'swhatitwasreallyallaboutAndhegave
himselfanAandaslashoneachdamnedwristAndhehungiton
thebathroomdoorbecausethistimehedidn'tthinkhecouldreach
thekitchen.
ThatwasthepoemIreadforPatrick.Nobodyknewwhowrote
it,butBobsaidhehearditbefore,andheheardthatitwassome
kid'ssuicidenote.Ireallyhopeitwasn'tbecausethenIdon'tknow
ifIliketheending.
Lovealways,
Charlie
SamandPatrickleftwiththeirfamilyfortheGrandCanyon
yesterday.Idon'tfeeltoobadaboutitbecauseIcanstillremember
Sam'skiss.Itfeelspeacefulandright.Ievenconsiderednot
washingmylipsliketheydoonTV,butthenIthoughtitwouldget
toogross.So,insteadIspenttodaywalkingaroundthe
neighborhood.Ievengotoutmyoldsledandmyoldscarf.There
issomethingcozyaboutthatforme.
Iwalkedovertothehillwhereweusedtogoandsled.There
werealotoflittlekidsthere.Iwatchedthemflying.Doingjumps
andhavingraces.AndIthoughtthatallthoselittlekidsaregoing
togrowupsomeday.Andallofthoselittlekidsaregoingtodothe
thingsthatwedo.Andtheywillallkisssomeonesomeday.But
fornow,sleddingisenough.Ithinkitwouldbegreatifsledding
werealwaysenough,butitisn't.
I'mreallygladthatChristmasandmybirthdayaresoonbecause
thatmeanstheywillbeoversoonbecauseIcanalreadyfeelmyself
goingtoabadplaceIusedtogo.AftermyAuntHelenwasgone,
Iwenttothatplace.Itgotsobadthatmymomhadtotakemetoa
doctor,andIwasheldbackagrade.ButnowI'mtryingnotto
thinkaboutittoomuchbecausethatmakesitworse.
It'skindoflikewhenyoulookatyourselfinthemirrorandyou
sayyourname.Anditgetstoapointwherenoneofitseemsreal.
Well,sometimes,Icandothat,butIdon'tneedanhourinfrontof
amirror.Ithappensveryfast,andthingsstarttoslipaway.AndI
justopenmyeyes,andIseenothing.AndthenIstarttobreathe
reallyhardtryingtoseesomething,butIcan't.Itdoesn'thappen
allthetime,butwhenitdoes,itscaresme.
Italmosthappenedthismorning,butIthoughtofSam'skiss,
anditwentaway.
Iprobablyshouldn'tbewritingaboutthistoomuchbecauseit
bringsituptoomuch.Itmakesmethinktoomuch.AndIam
tryingtoparticipate.It'sjusthardbecauseSamandPatrickarein
theGrandCanyon.
Tomorrow,I'mgoingwithmymomtobuypresentsfor
everyone.Andthenwearecelebratingmybirthday.Iwasbornon
December24.Idon'tknowifIevertoldyouthat.It'sastrange
birthdaytohavebecauseitissoclosetoChristmas.Afterthat,we
arecelebratingChristmaswithmydad'sfamily,andmybrother
willbehomeforalittlewhile.Then,I'mgoingouttotakemy
driver'stest,soIwillbebusywhileSamandPatrickaregone.
Tonight,Iwatchedsometelevisionwithmysister,butshedidn't
wanttowatchtheChristmasspecialsthatwereon,soIdecidedto
goupstairsandread.
Billgavemeonebooktoreadoverthebreak.It'sTheCatcher
intheRye.ItwasBill'sfavoritebookwhenhewasmyage.He
saiditwasthekindofbookyoumadeyourown.
Ireadthefirsttwentypages.Idon'tknowhowIfeelaboutit
justyet,butitdoesseemappropriatetothistime.IhopeSamand
Patrickcallonmybirthday.Itwouldmakemefeelmuchbetter.
Lovealways,
Charlie
Iamsittinginmydad'soldbedroominOhio.Thefamilyisstill
downstairs.Ireallydon'tfeelverywell.Idon'tknowwhat's
wrongwithme,butI'mstartingtogetscared.Iwishwewere
goingbackhometonight,butwealwayssleepover.Idon'twantto
tellmymomaboutitbecauseitwouldjustmakeherworry.dcI
wouldtellSamandPatrick,buttheydidn'tcallyesterday.Andwe
leftthismorningafterweopenedpresents.Maybetheycalledthis
afternoon.Ihopetheydidn'tcallthisafternoonbecauseIwasn't
there.Ihopeit'sokaythatI'mtellingyouthis.Ijustdon'tknow
whatelsetodo.Ialwaysgetsadwhenthishappens,andIwish
Michaelwerehere.AndIwishmyAuntHelenwerehere.Imiss
myAuntHelenlikethis.Readingthebookisn'thelpingeither.I
don'tknow.I'mjustthinkingtoofast.Muchtoofast.It'slike
tonight.
ThefamilywatchedIt'saWonderfulLife,whichisavery
beautifulmovie.AndallIcouldthinkwaswhydidn'ttheymake
themovieaboutUncleBilly?GeorgeBaileywasanimportantman
inthetown.Becauseofhim,awholebunchofpeoplegottoget
outoftheslums.Hesavedatown,andwhenhisdaddied,hewas
theonlyguywhocoulddoit.Hewantedtoliveanadventure,but
hestayedbehindandsacrificedhisdreamsforthebettergoodof
thecommunity.Andthenwhenthatmadehimsad,hewasgoing
tokillhimself.Hewasgoingtodiebecausehislifeinsurance
moneywouldhavetakencareofhisfamily.Andthenanangel
comesdownandshowshimwhatlifewouldbeifhehadnever
beenborn.Howthewholetownwouldhavesuffered.Andhow
hiswifewouldhavebeenan"oldmaid."Andmysisterdidn'teven
sayanythingabouthowthat'ssuchanoldfashionedthing,this
year.EveryotheryearshesayssomethingabouthowMarywas
workingforaliving,andjustbecauseshe'snotmarried,itdoesn't
meanthatsheisworthless.Butthisyearshedidn't.Ididn'tknow
why.Ithoughtitmightbeaboutthatsecretboyofhers.Ormaybe
it'swhathappenedinthecaronthewayovertoourgrandma's
house.IjustwantedthemovietobeaboutUncleBillybecausehe
drankalotandwasfatandlostthemoneyinthefirstplace.I
wantedtheangeltocomedownandshowushowUncleBilly'slife
hadmeaning.Then,IthinkI'dfeelbetter.
Itstartedyesterdayathome.Idon'tlikemybirthday.Idon't
likeitatall.Iwentshoppingwithmymomandsister,andmy
momwasinabadmoodbecauseofparkingspacesandlines.And
mysisterwasinabadmoodbecauseshecouldn'tbuyhersecret
boyapresentandhideitfromMom.Shewouldhavetocomeback
herselflater.AndIfeltweird.Reallyweird,becauseasIwas
walkingaroundallthestores,Ididn'tknowwhatpresentmydad
wouldliketoreceivefromme.IknewwhattobuyorgiveSam
andPatrick,butIdidn'tknowwhatIcouldbuyorgiveormakefor
myowndad.Mybrotherlikespostersofgirlsandbeercans.My
sisterlikesahaircutgiftcertificate.Mymomlikesoldmoviesand
plants.Mydadonlylikesgolf,andthatisnotawintersportexcept
forinFlorida,andwedon'tlivethere.Andhedoesn'tplaybaseball
anymore.Hedoesn'tliketobeevenremindedunlesshetellsthe
stories.IjustwantedtoknowwhattobuymydadbecauseIlove
him.AndIdon'tknowhim.Andhedoesn'tliketotalkabout
thingslikethat.
"Well,whydon'tyouchipinwithyoursisterandbuyhimthat
sweater?"
"Idon'twantto.Iwanttobuyhimsomething.Whatkindof
musicdoeshelike?"
Mydaddoesn'tlistentomusicalotanymore,andthestuffhe
likes,hehas.
"Whatkindofbooksdoesheliketoread?"
Mydaddoesn'treadbookstoomuchanymorebecausehe
listenstobooksoncassettetapesonthewaytowork,andhegets
themfreefromthelibrary.
Whatkindofmovies?Whatkindofanything?
Mysisterdecidedtobuythesweateronherown.Andshe
startedtogetmadatmebecausesheneededtimetocomebackto
thestoretobuythatpresentforhersecretboyfriend.
"Justbuyhimsomegolfballs,Charlie.Jesus."
"Butthat'sasummersport."
"Mom.Wouldyoumakehimbuysomething?"
"Charlie.Calmdown.It'sokay."
Ifeltsosad.Ididn'tknowwhatwasgoingon.Momwastrying
tobereallynicebecausewhenIgetlikethis,sheistheonethat
triesrealhardtokeepthingscalm.
"I'msorry,Mom."
"No.Don'tbesorry.Youwanttogetanicepresentforyour
father.That'sagoodthing."
"Mom!"Mysisterwasreallygettingmad.
Mymomdidn'tevenlookatmysister.
"Charlie,youcanbuyyourfatherwhateveryouwant.Iknow
he'llloveit.Now,calmdown.It'sokay."
Mymomtookmetofourdifferentstores.Eachonemysister
justsatinthenearestchairandgroaned.Ifinallyfoundtheperfect
store.Itwasamovieplace.AndIfoundavideocassetteofthelast
episodeofMore"inA"inSo"inHavewithoutthecommercials.And
Ifeltalotbetter.Then,IstartedtellingMomabouthowweall
watchedittogether.
"Sheknows,Charlie.Shewasthere.Let'sgo.Duh."
Mymomtoldmysistertomindherownbusiness,andshe
listenedtometellthestorythatshealreadyknew,leavingoutthe
partaboutmydadcryingbecausethatwasourlittlesecret.My
momeventoldmehowItellstoriesverywell.Ilovemymom.
Andthistime,ItoldherIlovedher.Andshetoldmesheloved
me,too.Andthingswereokayforalittlewhile.
Weweresittingatthedinnertable,waitingformydadtocome
homewithmybrotherfromtheairport.Hewasreallylate,andmy
momstartedtoworrybecauseitwassnowingreallyhardoutside.
Andshekeptmysisterathomebecausesheneededhelpwith
dinner.Shewantedittobeextraspecialformybrotherandforme
becausehewascominghome,anditwasmybirthday.Butmy
sisterjustwantedtobuyherboyfriendapresent.Shewasina
reallybadmood.Shewasbeinglikethosebrattygirlsinmovies
fromthe1980's,andmymomkeptsaying"Younglady"afterevery
sentence.
Mydadfinallycalledandsaidthatbecauseofthesnow,my
brother'splanewasgoingtobeverylate.Ijustheardmymom's
sideofthediscussion.
"Butit'sCharlie'sbirthdaydinner...Idon'texpectyoutodo
anythingaboutit...didhemissit?I'mjustasking...Ididn'tsayit
wasyourfault...no...Ican'tkeepitwarm...it'llbedry...what
...butit'shisfavorite...well,whatamIsupposedtofeedthem...
ofcoursethey'rehungry...you'realreadyanhourlate...well,you
couldhavecalled..."
Idon'tknowhowlongmymomwasonthephonebecauseI
couldn'tstayatthetableandlisten.Iwentintomyroomandread.
Iwasn'thungryanymoreanyway.Ijustwantedtobeinaquiet
place.Afteralittlewhile,mymomcameintotheroom.Shesaid
thatdadhadjustcalledagain,andtheyshouldbehomeinthirty
minutes.Sheaskedmeifanythingwaswrong,andIknewthatshe
didn'tmeanmysister,andIknewthatshedidn'tmeansheandDad
fightingonthephonebecausethatstuffjusthappenssometimes.
ShejustnoticedthatIlookedverysadtoday,andshedidn'tthinkit
wasmyfriendsleavingbecauseIlookedokayyesterdaywhenI
camebackfromsledding.
"IsityourauntHelen?"
Itwasthewayshesaiditthatstartedmefeeling.
"Please,don'tdothistoyourself,Charlie."
ButIdiddoittomyself.LikeIdoeveryyearonmybirthday.
"I'msorry."
Mymomwouldn'tletmetalkaboutit.SheknowsthatIstop
listeningandstarttoreallybreathefast.Shecoveredmymouth
andwipedatmyeyes.Icalmeddownenoughtomakeit
downstairs.AndIcalmeddownenoughtobegladwhenmy
brothercamehome.Andwhenweatedinner,itwasn'ttoodry.
Then,wewentoutsidetoputupluminaria,whichisanactivity
whereallourneighborsfillbrownpaperbagswithsandandline
thestreetwiththem.Then,westickacandleinthesandofeach
bag,andwhenwelightthecandles,itturnsthestreetintoa
"landingstrip"forSantaClaus.Iloveputtingluminariaupevery
yearbecauseitisverybeautifulandatraditionandagood
distractionfrommybirthday.
Myfamilygavemesomereallynicebirthdaypresents.My
sisterwasstillmadatme,butshegotmeaSmithsrecordanyway.
Andmybrothergotmeapostersignedbythewholefootballteam.
Mydadgavemesomerecordsthatmysistertoldhimtobuy.And
mymomgavemesomeofthebooksshelovedwhenshewasakid.
OneofthemwasTheCatcherintheRye.
Istartedreadingmymom'scopyfromtheplaceIleftoffwith
Bill'scopy.Anditmademenotthinkaboutmybirthday.AllI
thoughtwasthatIamgoingtotakemydriver'stestsometimesoon
enough.Thatwasaprettygoodthingtothinkabout.AndthenI
thoughtaboutmydriver'seducationclassthispastsemester.
Mr.Smith,whoiskindofshortandsmellsfunny,wouldn'tlet
anyofusturnontheradioaswerodearound.Therewerealsotwo
sophomores,oneboyandonegirl.Theyusedtosecretlytouch
eachother'slegsinthebackseatwhenitwasmyturn.Then,there
wasme.IwishIhadalotofstoriesaboutdriver'seducationclass.
Sure,therewerethesemoviesaboutdeathonthehighway.And
suretherewerepoliceofficerscomingtotalktous.Andsureit
wasfuntogetmylearner'spermit,butMomandDadsaidthey
didn'twantmedrivinguntilIabsolutelyhadtobecauseinsurance
issoexpensive.AndIcouldneveraskSamtodriveherpickup
truck.Ijustcouldn't.
Thesekindofthingskeptmecalmthenightofmybirthday.
ThenextmorningChristmasstartedoutnice.Dadlikedhis
copyofMore"inA"inSo"inHavealot,whichmademesohappy,
especiallywhenhetoldhisownstoryaboutthatnightwewatched
it.Heleftoutthepartabouthimcrying,buthewinkedatme,soI
knewheremembered.EventhetwohourdrivetoOhiowas
actuallyokayforthefirsthalfhour,eventhoughIhadtositonthe
humpinthebackseat,becausemydadkeptaskingquestionsabout
college,andmybrotherkepttalking.Heisdatingoneofthose
cheerleadergirlswhodoesflipsduringcollegefootballgames.
HernameisKelly.Mydadwasveryinterestedinthat.Mysister
madesomeremarkabouthowcheerleadingisstupidandsexist,
andmybrothertoldhertoshutup.Kellywasmajoringin
philosophy.IaskedmybrotherifKellywasunconventionally
beautiful.
"No,she'shotbeautiful."
Andmysisterstartedtalkingabouthowthewayawomanlooks
isnotthemostimportantthing.Iagreed,butthenmybrother
startedsayinghowmysisterwasjusta"bitchydyke."Then,my
momtoldmybrothertonotusesuchlanguageinfrontofme,
whichwasstrangeconsideringIamprobablytheonlyoneinthe
familywithafriendwhoisgay.Maybenot,butonewhoactually
talksaboutit.I'mnotsure.Regardless,mydadaskedhowmy
brotherandKellymet.
MybrotherandKellymetatarestaurantcalledYeOldeCollege
InnorsomethinglikethatatPennState.Theysupposedlyhave
thisfamousdessertcalled"grilledstickies."Anyway,Kellywas
withhersororitysisters,andtheystartedtoleave,andshedropped
herbookrightinfrontofmybrother,andshekeptwalking.My
brothersaidthatalthoughKellydeniesthis,he'ssurethatshe
droppedthebookonpurpose.Theleaveswereinfullbloomwhen
hecaughtupwithherinfrontofthevideoarcade.That'showhe
describeditanyway.Theyspenttherestoftheafternoonplaying
oldvideogameslikeDonkeyKongandfeelingnostalgic,whichas
ageneralstatement,Ifoundsadandsweet.Iaskedmybrotherif
Kellydrankcocoa.
"Areyouhigh?"
Andagainmymomaskedmybrothernottousesuchlanguage
infrontofme,whichwasstrangeagainbecauseIthinkI'mthe
onlypersoninmyfamilywho'severbeenhigh.Maybealsomy
brother.I'mnotsure.Definitelynotmysister.Thenagain,maybe
mywholefamilyhasbeenhigh,andwejustdon'ttelleachother
thesethings.
MysisterspentthenexttenminutesdenouncingtheGreek
systemofsororitiesandfraternities.Shekepttellingstoriesof
"hazing"andhowkidshavediedbefore.Shethentoldthisone
storyabouthowsheheardtherewasasororitythatmadethenew
girlsstandintheirunderwearwhiletheycircledtheir"fat"inred
magicmarkers.Mybrotherhadhadenoughofmysisteratthat
point.
"Bullshit!"
Istillcan'tbelievethatmybrothersworeinthecar,andmydad
ormomdidn'tsayanything.Iguessbecausehe'sincollegenow,
it'sallright.Mysisterdidn'tcareabouttheword.Shejustkept
going.
"It'snotbullshit.Iheardit."
"Watchyourmouth,younglady,"mydadsaidfromthefront
seat.
"Oh,yeah?Wheredidyouhearit?"mybrotherasked.
"IhearditonNationalPublicRadio,"mysistersaid.
"Oh,Jesus."Mybrotherhasaveryfulllaugh.
"Well,Idid."
Mymomanddadlookedliketheywerewatchingatennis
matchthroughthewindshieldbecausetheyjustkeptshakingtheir
heads.Theydidn'tsayanything.Theydidn'tlookback.Ishould
pointout,though,thatmydadslowlystartedturningtheChristmas
musicontheradiotoadeafeningvolume.
"Youaresofullofshit.Howwouldyouknowanything
anyway?Youhaven'tbeentocollege.Kellydidn'tgothrough
anythinglikethat."
"Oh,yeah...likeshe'dtellyou."
"Yeah...shewould.Wedon'tkeepsecrets."
"Oh,you'resuchasensitivenewageguy."
IwantedthemtostopfightingbecauseIwasstartingtoget
upset,soIaskedanotherquestion.
"Doyoutalkaboutbooksandissues?"
"Thankyouforasking,Charlie.Yes.Asamatteroffactwedo.
Kelly'sfavoritebookjusthappenstobeWaldenbyHenryDavid
Thoreau.AndKellyjusthappenedtosaythatthetranscendental
movementisacloseparalleltothisdayandage."
"Oooo.Bigwords."Mysisterrollshereyesbetterthananyone.
"Oh,I'msorry.Wasanyonetalkingtoyou?Ihappentobe
tellingmyyoungerbrotheraboutmygirlfr.Kellysaysthatshe
hopesagoodDemocraticcandidatewillchallengeGeorgeBush.
KellysaysthatherhopeisthattheE.R.A.mightfinallypassifthat
happens.That'sright.TheE.R.A.thatyoualwayssquawkabout.
Evencheerleadersthinkaboutthosethings.Andtheycanactually
havefuninthemeantime."
Mysisterfoldedherarmsinfrontofherandstartedwhistling.
Mybrotherwastoomuchonarolltostop,though.Inoticedthat
mydad'sneckwasgettingveryred.
"Butthere'sanotherdifferencebetweenyouandher.Yousee...
Kellybelievesinwomen'srightssomuchthatshewouldneverleta
guyhither.IguessIcan'tsaythataboutyou."
IsweartoGod,wealmostdied.Mydadhitthosebrakesso
hardthatmybrotheralmostflewovertheseat.Whenthesmell
fromthetiresstartedtofade,mydadtookadeepbreathandturned
around.First,heturnedtomybrother.Hedidn'tsayaword.He
juststared.
Mybrotherlookedatmydadlikeadeercaughtbymycousins.
Afteralongtwoseconds,mybrotherturnedtomysister.Ithink
hefeltbadaboutitbecauseofhowthewordscameout.
"I'msorry.Okay?Imeanit.Can'mon.Stopcrying."
Mysisterwascryingsohard,itwasscary.Then,mydadturned
tomysister.Again,hedidn'tsayaword.Hejustsnappedhis
fingerstodistractherfromcrying.Shelookedathim.Shewas
confusedatfirstbecausehewasn'tgivingherawarmlook.But
then,shelookeddownandshruggedandturnedtomybrother.
"I'msorryIsaidwhatIsaidaboutKelly.Shesoundsnice."
Then,mydadturnedtomymom.Andmymomturnedtous.
"YourfatherandIdon'twantanymorefighting.Especiallyin
thefamily'shouse.Understood?"
Mymomanddadmakearealteamsometimes.It'samazingto
watch.Mybrotherandsisterbothnoddedandlookeddown.
Then,mydadturnedtome.
"Charlie?"
from
"Yes,sir?"
Itisimportanttosay"sir"atthesemoments.Andiftheyever
callyoubyyourfirstmiddlelastname,youbetterwatchout.I'm
tellingyou.
"Charlie,Iwouldlikeyoutodrivetherestofthewaytomy
mother'shouse."
Everyoneinthecarknewthatthiswasprobablytheworstidea
mydadeverhadinhiswholelife.Butnooneargued.Hegotout
ofthecarinthemiddleoftheroad.Hegotinthebackseat
betweenmybrotherandsister.Iclimbedinthefrontseat,stalled
thecartwice,andputonmyseatbelt.Idrovetherestoftheway.
Ihaven'tsweatthatmuchsinceIplayedsports,anditwascoldout.
Mydad'sfamilyiskindoflikemymom'sfamily.Mybrother
oncesaiditwaslikethesamecousinswithdifferentnames.The
bigdifferenceismygrandma.Ilovemygrandma.Everyoneloves
mygrandma.Shewaswaitingforusinthedrivewayasshealways
did.Shealwaysknewwhensomeonewascoming.
"IsCharliedrivingnow?"
"Heturnedsixteenyesterday."
"Oh."
Mygrandmaisveryold,andshedoesn'trememberthingsalot,
butshebakesthemostdeliciouscookies.WhenIwasverylittle,
wehadmymom'smom,whoalwayshadcandy,andmydad's
mom,whoalwayshadcookies.MymomtoldmethatwhenIwas
little,Icalledthem"CandyGrandma"and"CookiesGrandma."I
alsocalledpizzacrust"pizzabones."Idon'tknowwhyI'mtelling
youthis.
It'slikemyveryfirstmemory,whichIguessisthefirsttimeI
wasawarethatIwasalive.MymomandmyAuntHelentookme
tothezoo.IthinkIwasthree.Idon'trememberthatpart.
Anyway,wewerewatchingthesetwocows.Amothercowandits
babycalf.Andtheydidn'thavealotofroomtowalkaround.
Anyway,thebabycalfwasstandingrightunderneathitsmother,
justkindofwalkingaround,andthemothercowtooka"dump"on
thebabycalf'shead.IthoughtitwasthefunniestthingIhadever
seeninthewholeworld,andIlaughedaboutitforthreehours.At
first,mymomandAuntHelenkindoflaughed,too,becausethey
werehappythatIwaslaughing.Supposedly,Ididn'ttalkhardlyat
allwhenIwasalittlekid,andwheneverIseemednormal,they
werehappy.Butintothethirdhour,theyweretryingtomakeme
stoplaughing,butitonlymademelaughharder.Idon'tthinkit
wasreallythreehours,butitseemedlikealongtime.Istillthink
aboutiteverynowandthen.Itseemslikearather"auspicious"
beginning.
Afterhugsandhandshakes,wewentintomygrandma'shouse,
andthewholedadsideofthefamilywasthere.GreatUnclePhil
withhisfaketeethandmyauntRebecca,whoismydad'ssister.
MomtoldusthatAuntRebeccajustgotdivorcedagain,sowe
shouldn'tmentionanything.AllIcouldthinkaboutwasthe
cookies,butGrandmadidn'tmakethemthisyearbecauseofher
badhip.
Weallsatdownandwatchedtelevisioninstead,andmycousins
andmybrothertalkedaboutfootball.AndmyGreatUnclePhil
drank.Andweatedinner.AndIhadtositatthelittlekids'table
becausetherearemorecousinsonmydad'ssideofthefamily.
Littlekidstalkaboutthestrangestthings.Theyreallydo.
AfterdinneriswhenwewatchedIt'saWonderfulLife,andI
startedfeelingmoreandmoresad.AsIwaswalkingupthestairs
tomydad'soldroom,andIwaslookingattheoldphotographs,I
startedthinkingthattherewasatimewhentheseweren't
memories.Thatsomeoneactuallytookthatphotograph,andthe
peopleinthephotographhadjusteatenlunchorsomething.
Mygrandma'sfirsthusbanddiedinKorea.Mydadandmy
auntRebeccawereveryyoung.Andmygrandmamovedwithher
twokidstolivewithherbrother,mygreatunclePhil.
Finally,afterafewyears,mygrandmawasfeelingverysad
becauseshehadthesetwolittlekids,andshewastiredfrom
waitressingallthetime.So,oneday,shewasworkingatthisdiner
wheresheworked,andthistruckdriveraskedheronadate.My
grandmawasveryveryprettyinthatoldphotographkindofway.
Theydatedforawhile.Andfinallytheygotmarried.Heturned
outtobeaterribleperson.Hehitmydadallthetime.Andhehit
myauntRebeccaallthetime.Andhereallyhitmygrandma.All
thetime.Andmygrandmareallycouldn'tdoanythingaboutit,I
guess,becauseitwentonforsevenyears.
ItendedfinallywhenmygreatunclePhilsawbruisesonmy
auntRebeccaandfinallygotthetruthoutofmygrandma.Then,
hegotafewofhisfriendstogetherfromthefactory.Andthey
foundmygrandma'ssecondhusbandinabar.Andtheybeathim
upreallybad.MygreatunclePhillovestotellthestorywhenmy
grandmaisn'taround.Thestorykeepschanging,butthemain
pointisstillthesame.Theguydiedfourdayslaterinthehospital.
Istilldon'tknowhowmygreatunclePhilmissedgoingtojail
fordoingwhathedid.Iaskedmydadonce,andhesaidthatthe
peoplethatlivedaroundhisneighborhoodunderstoodthatsome
thingshadnothingtodowiththepolice.Hesaidthatifsomeone
touchedyoursisteroryourmother,theypaidtheprice,and
everyonelookedtheotherway.
It'sjusttoobadthatitwentonforsevenyearsbecausemyaunt
Rebeccawentthroughthesamekindofhusbands.Myaunt
Rebeccahaditdifferent,though,becauseneighborhoodschange.
MygreatunclePhilwastooold,andmydadlefthishometown.
Shehadtogetrestrainingordersinstead.
Ithinkaboutwhatmythreecousins,whoareAuntRebecca's
children,willturnoutlike.Onegirlandtwoboys.Igetsad,too,
becauseIthinkthattheonegirlwillprobablyenduplikemyaunt
Rebecca,andtheoneboywillprobablyenduplikehisdad.The
otherboymightenduplikemydadbecausehecanreallyplay
sports,andhehadadifferentdadthanhisbrotherorsister.My
dadtalkstohimalotandteacheshimhowtothrowandhita
baseball.IusedtogetjealousaboutthiswhenIwasalittlekid,
butIdon'tanymore.Becausemybrothersaidthatmycousinisthe
onlyoneinhisfamilywhohasadchance.Heneedsmydad.I
guessIunderstandthatnow.
Mydad'soldroomisverymuchthewayheleftit,exceptmore
faded.Thereisaglobeonadeskthathasbeenspunalot.And
thereareoldpostersofbaseballplayers.Andoldpressclippings
ofmydadwinningthebiggamewhenhewasasophomore.I
don'tknowwhy,butIreallyunderstoodwhymydadhadtoleave
thishouse.Whenheknewmygrandmawouldneverfindanother
manbecauseshewasthroughtrustingandwouldneverlookfor
anythingelsebecauseshedidn'tknowhow.Andwhenhesawhis
sisterstartbringinghomeyoungerversionsoftheirstepfatherto
date.Hejustcouldn'tstay.
Ilaiddownonhisoldbed,andIlookedthroughthewindowat
thistreethatwasprobablyalotshorterwhenmydadlookedatit.
AndIcouldfeelwhathefeltonthenightwhenherealizedthatif
hedidn'tleave,itwouldneverbehislife.Itwouldbetheirs.At
leastthat'showhe'sputit.Maybethat'swhymydad'ssideofthe
familywatchesthesamemovieeveryyear.Itmakessenseenough.
Ishouldprobablymentionthatmydadnevercriesattheending.
Idon'tknowifmygrandmaorAuntRebeccawilleverreally
forgivemydadforleavingthem.OnlymygreatunclePhil
understoodthatpart.It'salwaysstrangetoseehowmydad
changesaroundhismomandsister.Hefeelsbadallthetime,and
hissisterandhealwaystakeawalkalonetogether.Onetime,I
lookedoutthewindow,andIsawmydadgivinghermoney.
IwonderwhatmyauntRebeccasaysinthecarontheway
home.Iwonderwhatherchildrenthink.Iwonderiftheytalk
aboutus.Iwonderiftheylookatmyfamilyandwonderwhohasa
chancetomakeit.Ibettheydo.
Lovealways,
Charlie
Iamsittinginmybedroomnowafterthetwohourridebackto
myhouse.Mysisterandbrotherwerenicetoeachother,soI
didn'thavetodrive.
Usually,onthewayhome,wedrivetovisitmyAuntHelen's
grave.It'skindofatradition.Mybrotherandmydadneverwant
togothatmuch,buttheyknownottosayanythingbecauseof
Momandme.Mysisteriskindofneutral,butsheissensitive
aboutcertainthings.
EverytimewegotoseemyAuntHelen'sgrave,mymomandI
liketotalkaboutsomethingreallygreatabouther.Mostyearsitis
abouthowsheletmestayupandwatchSaturdayNightLive.And
mymomsmilesbecausesheknowsifshewasakid,shewould
havewantedtostayupandwatch,too.
Webothputdownflowersandsometimesacard.Wejustwant
hertoknowthatwemissher,andwethinkofher,andshewas
special.Shedidn'tgetthatenoughwhenshewasalive,mymom
alwayssays.Andlikemydad,Ithinkmymomfeelsguiltyabout
it.Soguiltythatinsteadofgivinghermoney,shegaveherahome
tostayin.
Iwantyoutoknowwhymymomisguilty.Ishouldprobably
tellyouwhy,butIreallydon'tknowifIshould.Ihavetotalk
aboutitwithsomeone.Nooneinmyfamilywillevertalkaboutit.
It'sjustsomethingtheydon't.I'mtalkingaboutthebadthingthat
happenedtoAuntHelentheywouldn'ttellmeaboutwhenIwas
little.
EverytimeitcomestoChristmasit'sallIcanthinkabout...
deepdown.Itistheonethingthatmakesmedeepdownsad.
Iwillnotsaywho.Iwillnotsaywhen.Iwilljustsaythatmy
auntHelenwasmolested.Ihatethatword.Itwasdoneby
someonewhowasveryclosetoher.Itwasnotherdad.She
finallytoldherdad.Hedidn'tbelieveherbecauseofwhoitwas.
Afriendofthefamily.Thatjustmadeitworse.Mygrandma
neversaidanythingeither.Andthemankeptcomingoverfor
visits.
MyauntHelendrankalot.MyauntHelentookdrugsalot.
MyauntHelenhadmanyproblemswithmenandboys.Shewasa
veryunhappypersonmostofherlife.Shewenttohospitalsallthe
time.Allkindsofhospitals.Finally,shewenttoahospitalthat
helpedherfigurethingsoutenoughtotryandmakethingsnormal,
soshemovedinwithmyfamily.Shestartedtakingclassestogeta
goodjob.Shetoldherlastbadmantoleaveheralone.Shestarted
losingweightwithoutgoingonadiet.Shetookcareofus,somy
parentscouldgooutanddrinkandplayboardgames.Sheletus
stayuplate.Shewastheonlypersonotherthanmymomanddad
andbrotherandsistertobuymetwopresents.Oneformy
birthday.OneforChristmas.Evenwhenshemovedinwiththe
familyandhadnomoney.Shealwaysboughtmetwopresents.
Theywerealwaysthebestpresents.
OnDecember24,1983,apolicemancametothedoor.Myaunt
Helenwasinaterriblecaraccident.Itwasverysnowy.The
policemantoldmymomthatmyauntHelenhadpassedaway.He
wasaverynicemanbecausewhenmymomstartedcrying,hesaid
thatitwasaverybadaccident,andmyAuntHelenwasdefinitely
killedinstantly.Inotherwords,therewasnopain.Therewasno
painanymore.
Thepolicemanaskedmymomtocomedownandidentifythe
body.Mydadwasstillatwork.ThatwaswhenIwalkedupwith
mybrotherandsister.Itwasmyseventhbirthday.Weallwore
partyhats.Mymommademysisterandbrotherwearthem.My
sistersawMomcryingandaskedwhatwaswrong.Mymom
couldn'tsayanything.Thepolicemangotononekneeandtoldus
whathappened.Mybrotherandsistercried.ButIdidn't.Iknew
thatthepolicemanmadeamistake.
Mymomaskedmybrotherandsistertotakecareofmeandleft
withthepoliceman.IthinkwewatchedTV.Idon'tthinkIreally
remember.Mydadcamehomebeforemymom.
"Whythelongfaces?"
Wetoldhim.Hedidnotcry.Heaskedifwewereokay.My
brotherandsistersaidno.Isaidyes.Thepolicemanjustmadea
mistake.Itisverysnowy.Heprobablycouldn'tsee.Mymom
camehome.Shewascrying.Shelookedatmydadandnodded.
Mydadheldher.That'swhenIfiguredoutthatthepoliceman
didn'tmakeamistake.
Idon'treallyknowwhathappenednext,andIneverreally
asked.Ijustremembergoingtothehospital.Iremembersittingin
aroomwithbrightlights.Irememberadoctoraskingme
questions.IremembertellinghimhowAuntHelenwastheonly
onewhohuggedme.IrememberseeingmyfamilyonChristmas
dayinawaitingroom.Iremembernotbeingallowedtogotothe
funeral.IrememberneversayinggoodbyetomyAuntHelen.
Idon'tknowhowlongIkeptgoingtothedoctor.Idon't
rememberhowlongtheykeptmeoutofschool.Itwasalongtime.
Iknowthatmuch.AllIrememberisthedayIstartedgettingbetter
becauseIrememberedthelastthingmyAuntHelensaidjust
beforeshelefttodriveinthesnow.
Shewrappedherselfinacoat.Ihandedherthecarkeys
becauseIwasalwaystheonewhocouldfindthem.IaskedAunt
Helenwhereshewasgoing.Shetoldmethatitwasasecret.I
keptbuggingmyauntHelen,whichsheloved.ShelovedthewayI
wouldkeepaskingherquestions.Shefinallyshookherhead,
smiled,andwhisperedinmyear.
"I'mgoingtobuyyourbirthdaypresent."
That'sthelasttimeIeversawher.IliketothinkmyauntHelen
wouldnowhavethatgoodjobshewasstudyingfor.Iliketothink
shewouldhavemetagoodman.Iliketothinkshewouldhavelost
theweightshealwayswantedtolosewithoutdieting.
Despiteeverythingmymomanddoctoranddadhavesaidtome
aboutblame,Ican'tstopthinkingwhatIknow.AndIknowthatmy
auntHelenwouldstillbealivetodayifshejustboughtmeone
presentlikeeverybodyelse.ShewouldbealiveifIwerebornona
daythatdidn'tsnow.Iwoulddoanythingtomakethisgoaway.I
missherterribly.IhavetostopwritingnowbecauseIamtoosad.
Lovealways,
Charlie
ThedayafterIwrotetoyou,IfinishedTheCatcherintheRye.
Ihavereaditthreetimessince.Ireallydidn'tknowwhatelseto
do.SamandPatrickarefinallycominghometonight,butIwon't
gettoseethem.PatrickisgoingtomeetBradsomewhere.Samis
goingtomeetCraig.I'llseethembothtomorrowattheBigBoy
andthenatBob'sNewYear'sEveparty.
TheexcitingpartisthatI'mgoingtodrivetotheBigBoyby
myself.MydadsaidIcouldn'tdriveuntiltheweatherclearedup,
anditfinallydidalittlebityesterday.Imadeamixtapeforthe
occasion.Itiscalled"TheFirstTimeIDrove."MaybeI'mbeing
toosentimental,butIliketothinkthatwhenI'mold,Iwillbeable
tolookatallthesetapesandrememberthosedrives.
ThefirsttimeIdrovealonewastoseemyauntHelen.Itwas
thefirsttimeIeverwenttoseeherwithoutatleastmymom.I
madeitaspecialtime.IboughtflowerswithmyChristmas
money.Ievenmadeheramixtapeandleftitatthegrave.Ihope
youdonotthinkthatmakesmeweird.
ItoldmyauntHelenallaboutmylife.AboutSamandPatrick.
Abouttheirfriends.AboutmyfirstNewYear'sEveparty
tomorrow.Itoldherabouthowmybrotherwouldbeplayinghis
lastfootballgameoftheseasononNewYear'sDay.Itoldher
aboutmybrotherleavingandhowmymomcried.Itoldherabout
thebooksIread.Itoldheraboutthesong"Asleep."Itoldher
whenweallfeltinfinite.Itoldheraboutmegettingmydriver's
license.Howmymomdroveusthere.AndhowIdroveusback.
Andhowthepolicemanwhoranthetestdidn'tevenlookweirdor
haveafunnyname,whichfeltlikeagyptome.
IrememberwhenIwasjustabouttosaygoodbyetomyaunt
Helen,Istartedcrying.Itwasarealkindofcrying,too.Notthe
panickytype,whichIdoalot.AndImadeAuntHelenapromise
toonlycryaboutimportantthingsbecauseIwouldhatetothink
thatcryingasmuchasIdowouldmakecryingforAuntHelenless
thanitis.
Then,Isaidgoodbye,andIdrovehome.
IreadthebookagainthatnightbecauseIknewthatifIdidn't,I
wouldprobablystartcryingagain.Thepanickytype,Imean.I
readuntilIwascompletelyexhaustedandhadtogotosleep.In
themorning,Ifinishedthebookandthenstartedimmediately
readingitagain.Anythingtonotfeellikecrying.BecauseImade
thepromisetoAuntHelen.AndbecauseIdon'twanttostart
thinkingagain.NotlikeIhavethislastweek.Ican'tthinkagain.
Noteveragain.
Idon'tknowifyou'veeverfeltlikethat.Thatyouwantedto
sleepforathousandyears.Orjustnotexist.Orjustnotbeaware
thatyoudoexist.Orsomethinglikethat.Ithinkwantingthatis
verymorbid,butIwantitwhenIgetlikethis.That'swhyI'm
tryingnottothink.Ijustwantitalltostopspinning.Ifthisgets
anyworse,Imighthavetogobacktothedoctor.It'sgettingthat
badagain.
Lovealways,
Charlie
January1,1992Dearfriend,
It'snow4o'clockinthemorning,whichisthenewyeareven
thoughit'sstillDecember31,thatis,untilpeoplesleep.Ican't
sleep.Everyoneelseiseitherasleeporhavingsex.I'vebeen
watchingcabletelevisionandeatingjello.Andseeingthings
move.IwantedtotellyouaboutSamandPatrickandCraigand
BradandBobandeveryone,butIcan'trememberrightnow.
It'speacefuloutside.Idoknowthat.AndIdrovetotheBig
Boyearlier.AndIsawSamandPatrick.AndtheywerewithBrad
andCraig.AnditmademeverysadbecauseIwantedtobealone
withthem.Thishasnevercomeupbefore.
Thingswereworseanhourago,andIwaslookingatthistree
butitwasadragonandthenatree,andIrememberedthatonenice
prettyweatherdaywhenIwaspartoftheair.AndIremembered
thatImowedthelawnthatdayformyallowancejustlikeIshovel
thedrivewayformyallowancenow.SoIstartedshovelingBob's
driveway,whichisastrangethingtodoataNewYear'sEveparty
really.
MycheekswereredcoldjustlikeMr.Z'sdrinkingfaceandhis
blackshoesandhisvoicesayingwhenacaterpillargoesintoa
cocoon,itgoesthroughtortureandhowittakessevenyearsto
digestgum.AndthisonekidMarkatthepartywhogavemethis
cameoutofnowhereandlookedattheskyandtoldmetoseethe
stars.So,Ilookedup,andwewereinthisgiantdomelikeaglass
snowball,andMarksaidthattheamazingwhitestarswerereally
onlyholesintheblackglassofthedome,andwhenyouwentto
heaven,theglassbrokeaway,andtherewasnothingbutawhole
sheetofstarwhite,whichisbrighterthananythingbutdoesn'thurt
youreyes.Itwasvastandopenandthinlyquiet,andIfeltsosmall.
Sometimes,Ilookoutside,andIthinkthatalotofotherpeople
haveseenthissnowbefore.JustlikeIthinkthatalotofother
peoplehavereadthosebooksbefore.Andlistenedtothosesongs.
Iwonderhowtheyfeeltonight.
Idon'treallyknowwhatI'msaying.Iprobablyshouldn'twrite
thisdownbecauseI'mstillseeingthingsmove.Iwantthemtostop
moving,butthey'renotsupposedtoforanotherfewhours.That's
whatBobsaidbeforehewenttohisbedroomwithJill,agirlthatI
don'tknow.
IguesswhatI'msayingisthatthisallfeelsveryfamiliar.But
it'snotminetobefamiliarabout.Ijustknowthatanotherkidhas
feltthis.Thisonetimewhenit'speacefuloutside,andyou're
seeingthingsmove,andyoudon'twantto,andeveryoneisasleep.
Andallthebooksyou'vereadhavebeenreadbyotherpeople.And
allthesongsyou'velovedhavebeenheardbyotherpeople.And
thatgirlthat'sprettytoyouisprettytootherpeople.Andyou
knowthatifyoulookedatthesefactswhenyouwerehappy,you
wouldfeelgreatbecauseyouaredescribing"unity."
It'slikewhenyouareexcitedaboutagirlandyouseeacouple
holdinghands,andyoufeelsohappyforthem.Andothertimes
youseethesamecouple,andtheymakeyousomad.Andallyou
wantistoalwaysfeelhappyforthembecauseyouknowthatifyou
do,thenitmeansthatyou'rehappy,too.
Ijustrememberedwhatmademethinkofallthis.I'mgoingto
writeitdownbecausemaybeifIdoIwon'thavetothinkaboutit.
AndIwon'tgetupset.ButthethingisthatIcanhearSamand
Craighavingsex,andforthefirsttimeinmylife,Iunderstandthe
endofthatpoem.
AndIneverwantedto.Youhavetobelieveme.
Lovealways,
Charlie
Part3
I'msorryforthatlastletter.Totellyouthetruth,Idon'treally
remembermuchofit,butIknowfromhowIwokeupthatit
probablywasn'tverynice.AllIrememberfromtherestofthat
nightwaslookingalloverthehouseforanenvelopeandastamp.
WhenIfinallyfoundthem,Iwroteyouraddressandwalkeddown
thehillpastthetreestothepostofficebecauseIknewthatifI
didn'tputitinamailboxthatIcouldn'tgetitbackfrom,Iwould
nevermailtheletter.
It'sweirdhowimportantitseemedatthetime.
OnceIgottothepostoffice,Idroppedtheletterintothe
mailbox.Anditfeltfinal.Andcalm.Then,Istartedthrowingup,
andIdidn'tstopthrowingupuntilthesuncameup.Ilookedatthe
roadandsawalotofcars,andIknewtheywereallgoingtotheir
grandparents'house.AndIknewalotofthemwouldwatchmy
brotherplayfootballlaterthatday.Andmymindplayed
hopscotch.
Mybrother...football...Brad...Daveandhisgirlfrinmy
room...thecoats...thecold...thewinter..."AutumnLeaves"...
don'ttellanyone...youpervert...SamandCraig...Sam...
Christmas...typewriter...gift...AuntHelen...andthetrees
keptmoving...theyjustwouldn'tstopmoving...soIlaiddown
andmadeasnowangel.
Thepolicemenfoundmepaleblueandasleep.
Ididn'tstopshiveringfromthecolduntilalongtimeaftermy
momanddaddrovemehomefromtheemergencyroom.Nobody
gotintroublebecausethesethingsusedtohappentomewhenI
wasakidwhenIwasseeingthedoctors.Iwouldjustwanderoff
andfallasleepsomewhere.EveryoneknewIwenttoaparty,but
nobody,notevenmysister,thoughtitwasbecauseofthat.AndI
keptmymouthshutbecauseIdidn'twantSamorPatrickorBobor
anyonetogetintrouble.Butmostofall,Ididn'twanttoseemy
mother'sfaceandespeciallymyfather'siftheyheardmesaythe
truth.
So,Ididn'tsayanything.
Ijustkeptquietandlookedaround.AndInoticedthings.The
dotsontheceiling.Orhowtheblankettheygavemewasrough.
Orhowthedoctor'sfacelookedrubbery.Orhoweverythingwasa
deafeningwhisper,whenhesaidthatmaybeIshouldstartseeinga
psychiatristagain.Itwasthefirsttimeadoctorevertoldthattomy
parentswithmeintheroom.Andhiscoatwassowhite.AndI
wassotired.
AllIcouldthinkthroughthewholedaywasthatwemissedmy
brother'sfootballgamebecauseofme,andIreallyhopedmysister
thoughttotapeit.
Luckily,shedid.
Wegothome,andmymommademesometea,andmydad
askedmeifIwantedtositandwatchthegame,andIsaidyes.We
watchedmybrothermakeagreatplay,butthistime,nobodyreally
cheered.Allcornersofalleyeswereonme.Andmymomsaida
lotofencouragingthingsabouthowIwasdoingsowellthisschool
yearandmaybethedoctorwouldhelpmesortthingsout.My
momcanbequietandtalkatthesametimewhenshe'sbeing
positive.Mydadkeptgivingme"lovepats."Lovepatsaresoft
punchesofencouragementthatareadministeredontheknee,
shoulder,andarm.Mysistersaidthatshecouldhelpmefixupmy
hair.Itwasweirdtohavethempaysomuchattentiontome.
"Whatdoyoumean?What'swrongwithmyhair?"
Mysisterjustkindoflookedaround,uncomfortable.Ireached
myhandsuptomyhairandrealizedthatalotofitwasgone.I
honestlydon'trememberwhenIdidit,butfromthelookofmy
hair,Imusthavegrabbedapairofscissorsandjuststartedcutting
withoutstrategy.Bigchunksofitweremissingallovertheplace.
Itwaslikeabutcher'scut.Ihadn'tlookedatmyselfinthemirrorat
thepartyforalongtimebecausemyfacewasdifferentand
frightenedme.OrelseIwouldhavenoticed.
Mysisterdidhelpmetrimitupabit,andIwasluckybecause
everyoneinschoolincludingSamandPatrickthoughtitlooked
cool.
"Chic"wasPatrick'sword.
Regardless,IdecidedtonevertakeLSDagain.
Lovealways,
Charlie
IfeellikeabigfakerbecauseI'vebeenputtingmylifeback
together,andnobodyknows.It'shardtositinmybedroomand
readlikeIalwaysdid.It'sevenhardtotalktomybrotheronthe
phone.Histeamfinishedthirdinthenation.Nobodytoldhimwe
missedthegamelivebecauseofme.
IwenttothelibraryandcheckedoutabookbecauseIwas
gettingscared.Everynowandthenthingswouldstartmoving
again,andsoundswerebassheavyandhollow.AndIcouldn'tput
athoughttogether.Thebooksaidthatsometimespeopletake
LSD,andtheydon'treallygetoutofit.Theysaidthatitincreases
thisonetypeofbraintransmitter.Theysaidthatessentiallythe
drugistwelvehoursofschizophrenia,andifyoualreadyhavealot
ofthisbraintransmitter,youdon'tgetoutofit.
Istartedbreathingfastinthelibrary.ItwasreallybadbecauseI
rememberedsomeoftheschizophrenickidsinthehospitalwhenI
waslittle.Anditdidn'thelpthatthiswasthedayafterInoticed
thatallthekidswerewearingtheirnewChristmasclothes,soI
decidedtowearmynewsuitfromPatricktoschool,andwasteased
mercilesslyforninestraighthours.Itwassuchabadday.Iskipped
myfirstclasseverandwenttoseeSamandPatrickoutside.
"Lookingsharp,Charlie,"Patricksaidgrinning.
"CanIhaveacigarette?"Isaid.Icouldn'tbringmyselftosay
"bumasmoke."Notformyfirstone.Ijustcouldn't.
"Sure,"saidPatrick.
Samstoppedhim.
"What'swrong,Charlie?"
Itoldthemwhatwaswrong,whichpromptedPatricktokeep
askingmeifIhada"badtrip."
"No.No.It'snotthat."Iwasreallygettingupset.
Samputherarmaroundmyshoulder,andshesaidsheknew
whatIwasgoingthrough.ShetoldmeIshouldn'tworryaboutit.
Onceyoudoit,yourememberhowthingslookedonit.That'sall.
Likehowtheroadturnedintowaves.Andhowyourfacewas
plasticandyoureyesweretwodifferentsizes.It'sallinyourmind.
That'swhenshegavemethecigarette.
WhenIlitit,Ididn'tcough.Itactuallyfeltsoothing.Iknow
that'sbadinahealthclassway,butitwastrue.
"Now,focusonthesmoke,"Samsaid.
AndIfocusedonthesmoke.
"Now,thatlooksnormaldoesn'tit?"
"Uhhuh,"IthinkIsaid.
"Now,lookatthecementontheplayground.Isitmoving?"
"Uhhuh."
"Okay...nowfocusonthepieceofpaperthat'sjustsitting
thereontheground."
AndIfocusedonthepieceofpaperthatwassittingonthe
ground.
"Isthecementmovingnow?"
"No.It'snot."
Fromthereyougo,toyou'regoingtobeokay,toyouprobably
shouldneverdoacidagain,Samwentontoexplainwhatshecalled
"thetrance."Thetrancehappenswhenyoudon'tfocusonanything,
andthewholebigpictureswallowsandmovesaroundyou.She
saiditwasusuallymetaphoric,butforpeoplewhoshouldneverdo
acidagain,itwasliteral.
That'swhenIstartedlaughing.Iwassorelieved.AndSamand
Patricksmiled.Iwasgladtheystartedsmiling,too,becauseI
couldn'tstandtheirlookingsoworried.
Thingshavestoppedmovingforthemostparteversince.I
haven'tskippedanotherclass.AndIguessnowIdon'tfeellikea
bigfakerfortryingtoputmylifebacktogether.Billthoughtmy
paperonTheCatcherintheRye(whichIwroteonmynewold
typewriter!)wasmybestoneyet.HesaidIwas"developing"ata
rapidpaceandgavemeadifferentkindofbookas"areward."It's
OntheRoadbyJackKerouac.
I'mnowuptoabouttencigarettesaday.
Lovealways,
Charlie
Ifeelgreat!Ireallymeanit.Ihavetorememberthisforthe
nexttimeI'mhavingaterribleweek.Haveyoueverdonethat?
Youfeelreallybad,andthenitgoesaway,andyoudon'tknowwhy.
ItrytoremindmyselfwhenIfeelgreatlikethisthattherewillbe
anotherterribleweekcomingsomeday,soIshouldstoreupas
manygreatdetailsasIcan,soduringthenextterribleweek,Ican
rememberthosedetailsandbelievethatI'llfeelgreatagain.It
doesn'tworkalot,butIthinkit'sveryimportanttotry.
Mypsychiatristisaveryniceman.He'smuchbetterthanmy
lastpsychiatrist.WetalkaboutthingsthatIfeelandthinkand
remember.LikewhenIwaslittle,andtherewasthisonetimethat
Iwalkeddownthestreetinmyneighborhood.Iwascompletely
naked,holdingabrightblueumbrella,eventhoughitwasn't
raining.AndIwassohappybecauseitmademymomsmile.And
sherarelysmiled.So,shetookapicture.Andtheneighbors
complained.
Thisothertime,Isawacommercialforthismovieaboutaman
whowasaccusedofmurder,buthedidn'tcommitthemurder.A
guyfromMore"inA"inSo"inHavewasthestarofthemovie.That's
probablywhyIrememberit.Thecommercialsaidthatthewhole
moviewasabouthimtryingtoprovethathewasinnocentandhow
hecouldgotojailanyway.Thatscaredmealot.Itscaredmehow
muchitscaredme.Beingpunishedforsomethingyoudidnotdo.
Orbeinganinnocentvictim.It'sjustsomethingthatIneverwant
toexperience.
Idon'tknowifitisimportanttotellyouallthis,butatthetime,
itfeltlikea"breakthrough."
Thebestthingaboutmypsychiatrististhathehasmusic
magazinesinhiswaitingroom.IreadanarticleaboutNirvanaon
onevisit,anditdidn'thaveanyreferencestohoneymustard
dressingorlettuce.Theykepttalkingaboutthesinger'sstomach
problemsallthetime,though.Itwasweird.
LikeItoldyou,SamandPatricklovetheirbigsong,soI
thoughtI'dreadittohavesomethingtodiscusswiththem.Inthe
end,themagazinecomparedhimwithJohnLennonfromthe
Beatles.ItoldthattoSamlater,andshegotreallymad.Shesaid
hewaslikeJimMorrisonifhewaslikeanybody,butreally,heisn't
likeanybodybuthimself.WewereallattheBigBoyafterRocky
Horror,anditstartedthisbigdiscussion.
Craigsaidtheproblemwiththingsisthateveryoneisalways
comparingeveryonewitheveryoneandbecauseofthat,it
discreditspeople,likeinhisphotographyclasses.
Bobsaidthatitwasallaboutourparentsnotwantingtoletgo
oftheiryouthandhowitkillsthemwhentheycan'trelateto
something.
Patricksaidthattheproblemwasthatsinceeverythinghas
happenedalready,itmakesithardtobreaknewground.Nobody
canbeasbigastheBeatlesbecausetheBeatlesalreadygaveita
"context."Thereasontheyweresobigisthattheyhadnooneto
comparethemselveswith,sotheskywasthelimit.
Samaddedthatnowadaysabandorsomeonewouldcompare
themselvestotheBeatlesafterthesecondalbum,andtheirown
personalvoicewouldbelessfromthatmomenton.
"Whatdoyouthink,Charlie?"
Icouldn'trememberwhereIhearditorreadit.Isaidmaybeit
wasinThisSideofParadisebyFrom.ScottFitzgerald.There'sa
placeneartheendofthebookwherethemainkidispickedupby
someoldergentleman.TheyarebothgoingtoanIvyLeague
homecomingfootballgame,andtheyhavethisdebate.Theolder
gentlemanisestablished.Thekidis"jaded."
Anyway,theyhavethisdiscussion,andthekidisanidealistina
temporaryway.Hetalksabouthis"restlessgeneration"andthings
likethat.Andhesayssomethinglike,"Thisisnotatimefor
heroesbecausenobodywillletthathappen."Thebooktakesplace
inthe1920's,whichIthoughtwasgreatbecauseIsupposedthe
samekindofconversationcouldhappenintheBigBoy.It
probablyalreadydidwithourparentsandgrandparents.Itwas
probablyhappeningwithusrightnow.
So,IsaidIthoughtthemagazinewastryingtomakehima
hero,butthenlatersomebodymightdigupsomethingtomakehim
seemlikelessthanaperson.AndIdidn'tknowwhybecausetome
heisjustaguywhowritessongsthatalotofpeoplelike,andI
thoughtthatwasenoughforeveryoneinvolved.MaybeI'mwrong,
buteveryoneatthetablestartingtalkingaboutit.
Samblamedtelevision.Patrickblamedgovernment.Craig
blamedthe"corporatemedia."Bobwasinthebathroom.
Idon'tknowwhatitwas,andIknowwedidn'treally
accomplishanything,butitfeltgreattositthereandtalkaboutour
placeinthings.ItwaslikewhenBilltoldmeto"participate."I
wenttothehomecomingdancelikeItoldyoubefore,butthiswas
muchmorefun.Itwasespeciallyfuntothinkthatpeopleallover
theworldwerehavingsimilarconversationsintheirequivalentof
theBigBoy.
Iwouldhavetoldthetablethat,buttheywerereallyhavingfun
beingcynical,andIdidn'twanttoruinit.So,Ijustsatbackalittle
bitandwatchedSamsittingnexttoCraigandtriednottobetoo
sadaboutit.IhavetosaythatIcouldn'tdoitverysuccessfully.
Butatonepoint,Craigwastalkingaboutsomething,andSam
turnedtomeandsmiled.Itwasamoviesmileinslowmotion,and
theneverythingwasokay.
Itoldthistomypsychiatrist,buthesaiditwastoosoontodraw
anyconclusions.
Idon'tknow.Ijusthadagreatday.Ihopeyoudid,too.
Lovealways,
Charlie
February2,1992Dearfriend,
OntheRoadwasaverygoodbook.Billdidn'taskmetowrite
apaperaboutitbecause,likeIsaid,itwas"areward."Hedidask
metovisithiminhisofficeafterschooltodiscussit,whichIdid.
Hemadetea,andIfeltlikeagrownup.Heevenletmesmokea
cigaretteinhisoffice,butheurgedmetoquitsmokingbecauseof
thehealthrisks.Heevenhadapamphletinhisdeskthathegave
me.Inowuseitasabookmark.
IthoughtBillandIweregoingtotalkaboutthebook,butwe
endeduptalkingabout"things."Itwasgreattohavesomany
discussionsbacktoback.BillaskedmeaboutSamandPatrick
andmyparents,andItoldhimaboutgettingmylicenseandtalking
intheBigBoy.Ialsotoldhimaboutmypsychiatrist.Ididn'ttell
himaboutthepartyormysisterandherboyfriend,though.
They'restillseeingeachotherinsecret,whichmysistersaysonly
"addstotheirpassion."
AfterIgotthroughtellingBillaboutmylife,Iaskedhimabout
his.Itwasnice,too,becausehedidn'ttrytobecoolandrelateto
meoranything.Hewasjusthimselfaboutit.Hesaidthathe
studiedundergraduateworkatsomecollegeintheWestthat
doesn'tgivegrades,whichIthoughtwaspeculiar,butBillsaidit
wasthebesteducationheevergot.Hesaidhe'dgivemea
brochurewhenthetimewasright.
AfterhewenttoBrownUniversityforgraduateschool,Bill
traveledaroundEuropeforawhile,andwhenhecamehome,he
joinedTeachforAmerica.Whenthisyearisover,hethinksheis
goingtomovetoNewYorkandwriteplays.Iguesshe'sstillpretty
young,althoughIthoughtitwouldberudetoaskhim.Ididask
himifhehadagirlfr,though,andhesaidhedidn't.Heseemedsad
whenhesaidit,too,butIdecidednottoprybecauseIthoughtthat
wouldbetoopersonal.Then,hegavememynextbooktoread.
It'scalledNakedLunch.
IstartedreadingitwhenIgothome,andtotellyouthetruth,I
don'tknowwhattheguyistalkingabout.IwouldnevertellBill
this.SamtoldmethatWilliamSo.Burroughswrotethebook
whenhewasonheroinandthatIshould"gowiththeflow."So,I
did.Istillhadnoideawhathewastalkingabout,soIwent
downstairstowatchtelevisionwithmysister.
TheshowwasGomerPyle,andmysisterwasveryquietand
moody.Itriedtotalktoher,butshejusttoldmetoshutupand
leaveheralone.So,Iwatchedtheshowforafewminutes,butit
madeevenlesssensetomethanthebook,soIdecidedtodomy
mathhomework,whichwasamistakebecausemathhasnever
madeanysensetome.
Iwasjustconfusedallday.
So,Itriedtohelpmymotherinthekitchen,butIdroppedthe
casserole,soshetoldmetoreadinmyroomuntilmyfathercame
home,butreadingiswhatstartedthiswholemessinthefirstplace.
Luckily,myfathercamehomebeforeIcouldpickupthebook
again,buthetoldmetostop"hangingonhisshoulderslikea
monkey"becausehewantedtowatchthehockeygame.Iwatched
thehockeygamewithhimforawhile,butIcouldn'tstopasking
himquestionsaboutwhichcountriestheplayersarefrom,andhe
was"restinghiseyes,"whichmeanshewassleepingbutdidn't
wantmetochangethechannel.So,hetoldmetogowatch
televisionwithmysister,whichIdid,butshetoldmetogohelp
mymotherinthekitchen,whichIdid,butthenshetoldmetogo
readinmyroom.WhichIdid.
I'vereadaboutathirdofthebooknow,andit'sprettygoodso
far.
Lovealways,
Charlie
IhaveadatefortheSadieHawkins'dance.Incaseyoudidn't
haveoneofthose,it'sthedancewherethegirlaskstheboy.Inmy
case,thegirlisMaryElizabeth,andtheboyisme.Canyou
believeit?!
IthinkitstartedwhenIwashelpingMaryElizabethstaplethe
latestissueofPunkRockyonFridaybeforewewenttoTheRocky
HorrorPictureShow.MaryElizabethwassonicethatday.She
saidthatitwasthebestissuewe'deverhadfortworeasons,and
bothofthosereasonsweremine.
Firstofall,itwasincolor,andsecond,ithadthepoemthatI
gavePatrickinit.
Itreallywasagreatissue.IthinkI'lleventhinksowhenI'm
older.Craigincludedsomeofhiscolorphotographs.Sam
includedsome"underground"newsonsomebands.Mary
ElizabethwroteanarticleabouttheDemocraticcandidates.Bob
includedareprintofaprohemppamphlet.AndPatrickmadethis
fakecouponadvertisingafree"blowjob"foranyonewhobuysa
SmileyCookieattheBigBoy.Somerestrictionsapply!
Therewasevenanudephotograph(fromtheback)ofPatrickif
youcanbelieveit.SamhadCraigtakethepicture.Mary
Elizabethtoldeveryonetokeepitasecretthatthephotographwas
Patrick,whicheverybodydid,exceptPatrick.
Allnight,hekeptyelling,"Flauntit,baby!Flauntit!"whichis
hisfavoritelinefromhisfavoritemovie,TheProducers.
MaryElizabethtoldmeshethoughtthatPatrickaskedherto
putthephotographintheissuesoBradcouldhaveaphotographof
himwithoutitbeingsuspicious,buthewouldn'tsayforsure.Brad
boughtacopywithoutevenlookingatit,somaybeshewasright.
WhenIwenttoTheRockyHorrorPictureShowthatnight,
MaryElizabethwasreallymadbecauseCraigdidn'tshowup.
Nobodyknewwhy.NotevenSam.Theproblemwasnobodywas
theretoplayRocky,themuscularrobot(I'mnotquitesurewhathe
is).Afterlookingaroundateverybody,MaryElizabethturnedto
me.
"Charlie,howmanytimeshaveyouseentheshow?"
"Ten."
"DoyouthinkyoucanplayRocky?"
"I'mnotcutandhunky."
"Itdoesn'tmatter.Canyouplayhim?"
"Iguess."
"Doyouguessordoyouknow?"
"Iguess."
"Goodenough."
ThenextthingIknow,Iwaswearingnothingbutslippersanda
bathingsuit,whichsomebodypaintedgold.Idon'tknowhow
thesethingshappentomesometimes.Iwasverynervous,
especiallybecauseintheshow,RockyhastotouchJanetallover
herbody,andSamwasplayingJanet.Patrickkeptmakingjokes
thatIwouldgetan"erection."Ireallyhopedthiswouldn'thappen.
Once,Igotanerectioninclassandhadtogototheblackboard.It
wasaterribletime.Andwhenmymindtookthatexperienceand
addedaspotlightandthefactthatIwasonlywearingabathing
suit,Ipanicked.Ialmostdidn'tdotheshow,butthenSamtoldme
shereallywantedmetoplayRocky,andIguessthat'sallIreally
neededtohear.
Iwon'tgointodetailaboutthewholeshow,butIhadthebest
timeIeverhadinmywholelife.I'mnotkidding.Igottopretend
thatIwassinging,andIgottodancearound,andIgottoweara
"featherboa"inthegrandefinale,whichIwouldn'thavethought
anythingofbecauseit'spartoftheshow,butPatrickcouldn'tstop
talkingaboutit.
"Charlieinafeatherboa!Charlieinafeatherboa!"Hejust
couldn'tstoplaughing.
ButthebestpartwasthescenewithJanetwherewehadto
toucheachother.Itwasn'tthebestpartbecauseIgottotouchSam
andhavehertouchme.It'stheexactopposite.Iknowthatsounds
dumb,butit'strue.Justbeforethescene,IthoughtaboutSam,and
IthoughtthatifItouchedherinthatwayonstageandmeantit,it
wouldbecheap.AndasmuchasIthinkImightwanttosomeday
touchherlikethat,Ineverwantittobecheap.Idon'twantittobe
RockyandJanet.IwantittobeSamandI.AndIwantherto
meanitback.So,wejustplayed.
Whentheshowwasover,weallbowedtogether,andtherewas
applauseeverywhere.Patrickevenshovedmeinfrontoftherest
ofthecasttotakemyownpersonalbow.Ithinkthisisthe
initiationfornewcastmembers.AllIcouldthinkwashowniceit
wasthateveryoneapplaudedformeandhowgladIwasthat
nobodyinmyfamilywastheretoseemeplayRockyinafeather
boa.Especiallymydad.
Ididgetanerection,though,butnotuntillater,intheparking
lotoftheBigBoy.
That'swhenMaryElizabethaskedmetotheSadieHawkins'
danceaftershesaid,"Youlookedreallygoodinyourcostume."
Ilikegirls.Ireallydo.Becausetheycanthinkyoulookgood
inabathingsuitevenwhenyoudon't.Theerectionmademefeel
guiltyinhindsightthough,butIguessitcouldn'tbehelped.
Itoldmysisterabouthavingadateforthedance,butshewas
reallydistracted.Then,Itriedtoaskheradviceabouthowtotreat
agirlonadatesinceI'veneverhadadatebefore,butshewouldn't
answer.Shewasn'tbeingmean.Shewasjust"staringoffinto
space."Iaskedherifshewasokay,andshesaidthatsheneededto
bealone,soIwentupandfinishedNakedLunch.
AfterIfinished,Ijustlaidaroundinmybed,lookingatthe
ceiling,andIsmiledbecauseitwasanicekindofquiet.
Lovealways,
Charlie
Ihavetosaysomethingaboutmylastletter.IknowthatSam
wouldneveraskmetothedance.Iknowthatshewouldbring
Craig,andifnotCraig,thenPatricksinceBrad'sgirlfr,Nancy,is
goingwithBrad.IthinkMaryElizabethisareallysmartand
prettyperson,andI'mgladthatsheismyfirstdateever.ButafterI
saidyes,andMaryElizabethannouncedittothegroup,Iwanted
Samtobejealous.Iknowit'swrongtowantsomethinglikethat,
butIreallydid.
Samwasn'tjealous,though.Totellyouthetruth,Idon'tthink
shecouldhavebeenhappieraboutit,whichwashard.
Sheeventoldmehowtotreatagirlonadate,whichwasvery
interesting.ShesaidthatwithagirllikeMaryElizabeth,you
shouldn'ttellhershelookspretty.Youshouldtellherhowniceher
outfitisbecauseheroutfitisherchoicewhereasherfaceisn't.She
alsosaidthatwithsomegirls,youshoulddothingslikeopencar
doorsandbuyflowers,butwithMaryElizabeth(especiallysince
it'stheSadieHawkins'dance),Ishouldn'tdothat.So,Iaskedher
whatIshoulddo,andshesaidthatIshouldaskalotofquestions
andnotmindwhenMaryElizabethdoesn'tstoptalking.Isaidthat
itdidn'tsoundverydemocratic,butSamsaidshedoesitallthe
timewithboys.
SamdidsaythatsexthingsweretrickywithMaryElizabeth
sinceshe'shadboyfriendsbeforeandisalotmoreexperienced
thanIam.Shesaidthatthebestthingtodowhenyoudon'tknow
whattododuringanythingsexualispayattentiontohowthat
personiskissingyouandkissthembackthesameway.Shesays
thatisverysensitive,whichIcertainlywanttobe.
So,Isaid,"Canyoushowme?"
Andshesaid,"Don'tbesmart."
Wetalktoeachotherlikethateverynowandthen.Italways
makesherlaugh.AfterSamshowedmeaZippolightertrick,I
askedhermoreaboutMaryElizabeth.
"WhatifIdon'twanttodoanythingsexualwithher?"
"Justsayyou'renotready."
"Doesthatwork?"
"Sometimes."
IwantedtoaskSamabouttheothersideof"sometimes,"butI
didn'twanttobetoopersonal,andIdidn'twanttoknowdeep
down.IwishIcouldstopbeinginlovewithSam.Ireallydo.
Lovealways,
Charlie
Idon'tfeelverywellbecauseeverythingismessy.Ididgoto
thedance,andIdidtellMaryElizabethhowniceheroutfitwas.I
didaskherquestions,andIlethertalkthewholetime.Ilearneda
lotabout"objectification,"NativeAmericans,andthebourgeoisie.
Butmostofall,IlearnedaboutMaryElizabeth.
MaryElizabethwantstogotoBerkeleyandgettwodegrees.
Oneisforpoliticalscience.Theotherisforsociologywitha
minorconcentrationinwomen'sstudies.MaryElizabethhates
highschoolandwantstoexplorelesbianrelationships.Iaskedher
ifshethoughtgirlswerepretty,andshelookedatmelikeIwas
stupidandsaid,"That'snotthepoint."
MaryElizabeth'sfavoritemovieisReds.Herfavoritebookis
anautobiographyofawomanwhowasacharacterinReds.Ican't
rememberhername.MaryElizabeth'sfavoritecolorisgreen.Her
favoriteseasonisspring.Herfavoriteicecreamflavor(shesaid
sherefusestoeatlowfatfrozenyogurtonprinciplealone)is
CherryGarcia.Herfavoritefoodispizza(halfmushrooms,half
greenpeppers).MaryElizabethisavegetarian,andshehatesher
parents.SheisalsofluentinSpanish.
Theonlythingsheaskedmethewholetimewaswhetherornot
Iwantedtokisshergoodnight.WhenIsaidthatIwasn'tready,
shesaidsheunderstoodandtoldmewhatagreattimeshehad.
ShesaidIwasthemostsensitiveboyshe'devermet,whichIdidn't
understandbecausereallyallIdidwasnotinterrupther.
Then,sheaskedmeifIwantedtogooutagainsometime,which
SamandIhadn'tdiscussed,soIwasn'tpreparedtoanswerit.I
saidyesbecauseIdidn'twanttodoanythingwrong,butIdon't
thinkIcanthinkofawholeothernight'sworthofquestions.I
don'tknowwhattodo.Howmanydatescanyougoonandstill
notbereadytokiss?Idon'tthinkIwilleverbereadyforMary
Elizabeth.I'llhavetoaskSamaboutthis.
Incidentally,SamtookPatricktothedanceafterCraigsaidhe
wastoobusy.Iguesstheyhadabigfightaboutit.Finally,Craig
saidthathedidn'twanttogotosomestupidhighschooldance
sincehehadalreadygraduated.Atonepointinthedance,Patrick
wenttotheparkinglottogetstonedwithhisguidancecounselor,
andMaryElizabethwasrequestingthatthedeejayplaysomegirl
bands,whichleftSamandmealone.
"Areyouhavingagoodtime?"
Samdidn'tanswerrightaway.Shejustkindoflookedsad.
"Notreally.Areyou?"
"Idon'tknow.Thisismyfirstdate,soIdon'tknowwhatto
compareitto."
"Don'tworry.You'lldofine."
"Really?"
"Youwantsomepunch?"
"Sure."
Withthat,Samleft.Shereallydidlooksad,andIwishedI
couldhavemadeherfeelbetter,butsometimes,Iguessyoujust
can't.So,Istoodalonebythewallandwatchedthedancefora
while.Iwoulddescribeittoyou,butIthinkit'sthekindofthing
whereyouhavetobethereoratleastknowthepeople.Butthen
again,maybeyouknewthesamepeoplewhenyouwenttoyour
highschooldances,ifyouknowwhatImean.
Theonedifferentthingaboutthisparticulardancewasmy
sister.Shewaswithherboyfriend.Andduringaslowsong,it
lookedliketheyhadahugefightbecausehestoppedlookingat
her,andsherushedoffthedancefloortowherethebathroomsare.
Itriedtofollowher,butshehadtoomuchofaheadstart.She
nevercamebacktothedance,andherboyfriendeventuallyleft.
AfterMaryElizabethdroppedmeoff,Iwentintothehouseand
foundmysistercryinginthebasement.Thiswasadifferentkind
ofcrying.Itkindoffrightenedme.Italkedveryquietandslow.
"Areyouokay?"
"Leavemealone,Charlie."
"No,really.What'swrong?"
"Youwouldn'tunderstand."
"Icouldtry."
"That'salaugh.That'sreallyalaugh."
"DoyouwantmetowakeupMomandDadthen?"
"No."
"Well,maybetheycould"
"CHARLIE!SHUTUP!OKAY?!JUSTSHUTUP!"
That'swhenshereallystartedcrying.Ididn'twanttomakeher
feelworse,soIturnedtoleaveheralone.That'swhenmysister
startedhuggingme.Shedidn'tsayanything.Shejusthuggedme
tightandwouldn'tletgo.So,Ihuggedherback.Itwasweird,too,
becauseI'veneverhuggedmysister.Notwhenshewasn'tforcedto
anyway.Afterawhile,shecalmeddownabitandletgo.Shetook
adeepbreathandbrushedoffthehairthatwasstickingtoherface.
That'swhenshetoldmeshewaspregnant.
Iwouldtellyouabouttherestofthenight,butIhonestlydon't
remembermuchaboutit.It'sallaverysaddaze.Idoknowthat
herboyfriendsaiditwasn'thisbaby,butmysisterknewthatitwas.
AndIdoknowthathebrokeupwithherrightthereatthedance.
Mysisterhasn'ttoldanybodyelseaboutitbecauseshedoesn't
wantittogetaround.Theonlypeoplewhoknowareme,her,and
him.I'mnotallowedtotellanyoneweknow.Notanyone.Not
ever.
Itoldmysisterthatafterawhile,sheprobablycouldn'thideit,
butshesaidshewouldn'tletitgothatfar.Sinceshewaseighteen,
shedidn'tneedMomorDad'spermission.Allsheneededwas
someonetobewithhernextSaturdayattheclinic.Andthat
personwasme.
"It'sluckyIgotmylicensenow."
Isaidthattomakeherlaugh.Butshedidn't.
Lovealways,
Charlie
Iwassittinginthewaitingroomoftheclinic.Ihadbeenthere
foranhourorso.Idon'trememberexactlyhowlong.Billhad
givenmeanewbooktoread,butIjustcouldn'tconcentrateonit.I
guessitmakessensewhynot.
Then,Itriedtoreadsomemagazines,butagain,Ijustcouldn't.
Itwasn'tsomuchthattheymentionedwhatthepeoplewereeating.
Itwasallthemagazinecovers.Eachonehadasmilingface,and
everytimeitwasawomanonthecover,shewasshowingher
cleavage.Iwonderedifthosewomenwantedtodothattolook
prettyorifitwasjustpartofthejob.Iwonderediftheyhada
choiceornotiftheywantedtobesuccessful.Ijustcouldn'tget
thatthoughtoutofmymind.
Icouldalmostseethephotoshootandtheactressormodel
goingtoeata"lightlunch"withherboyfriendafterward.Icould
seehimaskingheraboutherday,andhowshewouldn'tthinktoo
muchofit,ormaybeifitwasherfirstmagazinecover,howshe
wouldbeveryexcitedbecauseshewasstartingtobecomefamous.
Icouldseethemagazineonthenewsstands,andalotof
anonymouseyeslookingatit,andhowsomepeoplewouldthinkit
wasveryimportant.AndthenhowagirllikeMaryElizabeth
wouldbeveryangryabouttheactressormodelshowingher
cleavagealongwithalltheotheractressesandmodelsdoingthe
samething,whilesomephotographerlikeCraigwouldjustlookat
thequalityofthephotograph.Then,Ithoughttherewouldbe
somemenwhowouldbuythemagazineandmasturbatetoit.And
Iwonderedwhattheactressorherboyfriendthoughtaboutthat,if
theydidatall.AndthenIthoughtthatitwasabouttimeformeto
stopthinkingbecauseitwasn'tdoingmysisteranygood.
That'swhenIstartedthinkingaboutmysister.
Ithoughtaboutthetimewhensheandherfriendspaintedmy
fingernails,andhowthatwasokaybecausemybrotherwasn't
there.Andthetimesheletmeuseherdollstomakeupplaysorlet
mewatchwhateverIwantedtowatchonTV.Andwhenshe
startedbecominga"younglady,"andnoonewasallowedtolook
atherbecauseshethoughtshewasfat.Andhowshereallywasn't
fat.Andhowshewasactuallyverypretty.Andhowdifferenther
facelookedwhensherealizedboysthoughtshewaspretty.And
howdifferentherfacelookedthefirsttimeshereallylikedaboy
whowasnotonaposteronherwall.Andhowherfacelooked
whensherealizedshewasinlovewiththatboy.AndthenI
wonderedhowherfacewouldlookwhenshecameoutfrom
behindthosedoors.
Mysisterwastheonewhotoldmewherebabiescomefrom.
MysisterwasalsotheonewholaughedwhenIimmediatelyasked
herwherebabiesgoto.
WhenIthoughtthat,Istartedtocry.ButIcouldn'tletanyone
seemebecauseiftheydid,theymightnotletmedriveherhome,
andtheymightcallourparents.AndIcouldn'tletthathappen
becausemysisterwascountingonme,andthiswasthefirsttime
anyoneevercountedonmeforanything.WhenIrealizedthatthis
wasthefirsttimeIcriedsinceImademyauntHelenthepromise
nottocryunlessitwasforsomethingimportant,Ihadtogo
outsidebecauseIcouldn'thideitfromanyoneanymore.
Imusthavebeeninthecarforalongtimebecauseeventually
mysisterfoundmethere.Iwaschainsmokingcigarettesand
cryingstill.Mysisterknockedonthewindow.Irolleditdown.
Shelookedatmewiththiscuriousexpression.Then,hercuriosity
turnedtoanger.
"Charlie,areyousmoking?!"
Shewassomad.Ican'ttellyouhowmadshewas.
"Ican'tbelieveyou'resmoking!"
That'swhenIstoppedcrying.Andstartedlaughing.Because
ofallthethingsshecouldhavesaidrightaftershegotoutofthere,
shepickedmysmoking.Andshegotangryaboutit.AndIknew
ifmysisterwasangry,thenherfacewouldn'tbethatdifferent.
Andshewouldbeokay.
"I'mgoingtotellMomandDad,youknow?"
"No,you'renot."God,Icouldn'tstoplaughing.
Whenmysisterthoughtaboutitforasecond,Ithinkshe
figuredoutwhyshewouldn'ttellMomorDad.It'slikeshe
suddenlyrememberedwherewewereandwhathadjusthappened
andhowcrazyourwholeconversationwasconsideringallthat.
Then,shestartedlaughing.
Butthelaughingmadeherfeelsick,soIhadtogetoutofthe
carandhelpherintothebackseat.Ihadalreadysetupthepillow
andblanketforherbecausewefigureditwasprobablybestforher
tosleepitoffalittleinthecarbeforewewenthome.
Justbeforeshefellasleep,shesaid,"Well,ifyou'regoingto
smoke,crackthewindowatleast."
Whichmademestartlaughingagain.
"Charlie,smoking.Ican'tbelieveit."
Whichmademelaughharder,andIsaid,"Iloveyou."
Andmysistersaid,"Iloveyou,too.Juststopitwiththe
laughingalready."
Eventually,mylaughingturnedintotheoccasionalchuckle,and
thenitjuststopped.Ilookedbackandsawthatmysisterwas
asleep.So,Istartedthecarandturnedontheheater,soshewould
bewarm.That'swhenIstartedreadingthebookBillgaveme.It's
WaldenbyHenryDavidThoreau,whichismybrother'sgirlfr's
favoritebook,soIwasveryexcitedtoreadit.
Whenthesunwentdown,Iputmysmokingpamphletonthe
pagewhereIstoppedreadingandstarteddrivinghome.Istopped
afewblocksfromourhousetowakeupmysisterandputthe
blanketandpillowinthetrunk.Wepulledintothedriveway.We
gotout.Wewentinside.Andweheardourmotherandfather's
voicesfromthetopofthestairs.
"Wherehaveyoutwobeenallday?"
"Yeah.Dinner'salmostready."
Mysisterlookedatme.Ilookedather.Sheshrugged.So,I
startedtalkingamileaminuteabouthowwesawamovieandhow
mysistertaughtmehowtodriveonthehighwaysandhowwewent
toMcDonald's.
"McDonald's?!When?!"
"Yourmothercookedribs,youknow?"Myfatherwasreading
thepaper.
AsItalked,mysisterwentuptomyfatherandgavehimakiss
onthecheek.Hedidn'tlookupfromhispaper.
"Iknow,butwedidn'tgotoMcDonald'suntilbeforethemovie,
andthatwasawhileago."
Then,myfathersaidmatteroffactly,"Whatmoviedidyou
see?"
Ifroze,butmysistercamethroughwiththenameofamovie
justbeforeshekissedmymotheronthecheek.Ihadneverheard
ofthismovie.
"Wasitanygood?"
Ifrozeagain.
Mysisterwassocalm."Itwasokay.Thoseribssmellgreat."
"Yeah,"Isaid.Then,Ithoughtofsomethingtochangethe
subject."Hey,Dad.Isthehockeygameontonight?"
"Yeah,butyou'reonlyallowedtowatchitwithmeifyoudon't
askanyofyourstupidquestions."
"Okay,butcanIaskonenowbeforeitstarts?"
"Idon'tknow.Canyou?"
"MayI?"Iasked,corrected.
Hegrunted,"Goahead."
"Whatdotheplayerscallahockeypuckagain?"
"Abiscuit.Theycallitabiscuit."
"Great.Thanks."
Fromthatmomentandallthroughdinner,myparentsdidn'task
anymorequestionsaboutourday,althoughmymomdidsayhow
gladshewasthatmysisterandIwerespendingmoretimetogether.
Thatnight,afterourparentswenttosleep,Iwentdowntothe
carandgotthepillowandblanketoutofthetrunk.Ibroughtthem
tomysisterinherroom.Shewasprettytired.Andshespokevery
softly.Shethankedmeforthewholeday.ShesaidthatIdidn'tlet
herdown.Andshesaidthatshewantedittobeourlittlesecret
sinceshedecidedtotellheroldboyfriendthatthepregnancywasa
falsealarm.Iguessshejustdidn'ttrusthimwiththetruth
anymore.
JustafterIturnedoutthelightsandopenedthedoor,Iheardher
saysoftly,
"Iwantyoutostopsmoking,youhear?"
"Ihear."
"BecauseIreallydoloveyou,Charlie."
"Iloveyou,too."
"Imeanit."
"SodoI."
"Okay,then.Goodnight."
"Goodnight."
That'swhenIshutthedoorandlefthertosleep.
Ididn'tfeellikereadingthatnight,soIwentdownstairsand
watchedahalfhourlongcommercialthatadvertisedanexercise
machine.Theykeptflashinga1800number,soIcalledit.The
womanwhopickeduptheotherendofthephonewasnamed
Michelle.AndItoldMichellethatIwasakidanddidnotneedan
exercisemachine,butIhopedshewashavingagoodnight.
That'swhenMichellehunguponme.AndIdidn'tmindabit.
Lovealways,
Charlie
March7,1992Dearfriend,
Girlsareweird,andIdon'tmeanthatoffensively.Ijustcan't
putitanyotherway.
IhavenowgoneonanotherdatewithMaryElizabeth.Inalot
ofways,itwassimilartothedanceexceptthatwegottowearmore
comfortableclothes.Shewastheonewhoaskedmeoutagain,and
Isupposethat'sokay,butIthinkI'mgoingtostartdoingtheasking
fromtimetotimebecauseIcan'talwayshopetogetasked.Also,if
Idotheasking,thenI'llbesuretogooutwiththegirlofmychoice
ifshesaysyes.It'sjustsocomplicated.
ThegoodnewsisthatIgottobetheonewhodrovethistime.I
askedmyfatherifIcouldborrowhiscar.Ithappenedatthedinner
table.
"Whatfor?"Mydadgetsprotectiveofhiscar.
"Charlie'sgotagirlfr,"mysistersaid.
"She'snotmygirlfr,"Isaid.
"Whoisthisgirl?"myfatherasked.
"What'sgoingon?"mymotheraskedfromthekitchen.
"Charliewantstoborrowthecar,"mydadreplied.
"Whatfor?"mymotherasked.
"That'swhatI'mtryingtofindout!"myfathersaidwitharaised
voice.
"Noneedtogetsnippy,"mymothersaid.
"Sorry,"myfathersaidwithoutmeaningit.Then,heturned
backtome.
"So,tellmeaboutthisgirl."
So,ItoldhimalittleaboutMaryElizabeth,leavingoutthepart
aboutthetattooandbellybuttonring.Hekindofsmiledforalittle
while,tryingtoseeifIwasalreadyguiltyofsomething.Then,he
saidyes.Icouldborrowhiscar.Whenmymothercameinwith
coffee,myfathertoldherthewholestorywhileIatedessert.
Thatnight,asIwasfinishingmybook,myfathercameinand
satontheedgeofmybed.Helitacigaretteandstartedtellingme
aboutsex.Hegavemethistalkafewyearsbefore,butitwasmore
biologicalthen.Now,hewassayingthingslike...
"IknowI'myouroldman,but..."
"youcan'tbetoocarefulthesedays,"and
"wearprotection,"and
"ifshesaysno,thenyouhavetoassumeshemeansit..."
"becauseifyouforcehertodosomethingshedoesn'twantto
do,thenyou'reinbigtrouble,mister..."
"andevenifshesaysno,andreallymeansyes,thenquite
franklyshe'splayinggamesandisn'tworththepriceofdinner."
"ifyouneedtotalktosomebody,youcancometome,butif
youdon'twanttodothatforsomereason,talktoyourbrother,"and
finally
"I'mgladwehadthistalk."
Then,myfatherruffledmyhair,smiled,andlefttheroom.I
guessIshouldtellyouthatmyfatherisn'tlikeontelevision.
Thingslikesexdon'tembarrasshim.Andheisactuallyverysmart
aboutthem.
IthinkhewasespeciallyhappybecauseIusedtokissthisboy
intheneighborhoodalotwhenIwasverylittle,andeventhough
thepsychiatristsaiditwasverynaturalforlittleboysandgirlsto
explorethingslikethat,Ithinkmyfatherwasafraidanyway.I
guessthat'snatural,butI'mnotsurewhy.
Anyway,MaryElizabethandIwenttoseeamoviedowntown.
Itwaswhattheycallan"art"movie.MaryElizabethsaiditwon
anawardatsomebigfilmfestivalinEurope,andshethoughtthat
wasimpressive.Aswewaitedforthemovietostart,shesaidwhat
ashameitwasthatsomanypeoplewouldgotoseeastupid
Hollywoodmovie,buttherewereonlyafewpeopleinthistheater.
Then,shetalkedabouthowshecouldn'twaittogetoutofhereand
gotocollegewherepeopleappreciatethingslikethat.
Thenthemoviestarted.Itwasinaforeignlanguageandhad
subtitles,whichwasfunbecauseIhadneverreadamoviebefore.
Themovieitselfwasveryinteresting,butIdidn'tthinkitwasvery
goodbecauseIdidn'treallyfeeldifferentwhenitwasover.
ButMaryElizabethfeltdifferent.Shekeptsayingitwasan
"articulate"film.So"articulate."AndIguessitwas.Thethingis,
Ididn'tknowwhatitsaidevenifitsaiditverywell.
Later,Idroveustothisundergroundrecordstore,andMary
Elizabethgavemeatour.Shelovesthisrecordstore.Shesaidit
wastheoneplacewhereshefeltlikeherself.Shesaidthatbefore
coffeeshopswerepopular,therewasnowhereforkidslikeherto
go,excepttheBigBoy,andthatwasolduntilthisyear.
Sheshowedmethemoviesectionandtoldmeaboutallthese
cultfilmmakersandpeoplefromFrance.Then,shetookmedown
totheimportsectionandtoldmeabout"real"alternativemusic.
Then,shetookmetothefolksectionandtoldmeaboutgirlbands
liketheSlits.
Shesaidshefeltreallybadshehadn'tgottenmeanythingfor
Christmas,andshewantedtomakeituptome.Then,shebought
mearecordbyBillieHolidayandaskedifIwantedtogotoher
houseandlistentoit.
So,Iwassittingaloneinherbasementwhileshewasupstairs
gettingussomethingtodrink.AndIlookedaroundtheroom,
whichwasverycleanandsmelledlikepeopledidn'tlivethere.It
hadafireplacewithamantelandgolftrophies.Andtherewasa
televisionandanicestereo.AndthenMaryElizabethcame
downstairswithtwoglassesandabottleofbrandy.Shesaidthat
shehatedeverythingherparentsloved,exceptforbrandy.
Sheaskedmetopourthedrinkswhileshemadeafire.Shewas
veryexcited,too,whichwasstrangebecauseshe'sneverlikethat.
Shekepttalkingabouthowmuchshelovesfiresandhowshe
wantedtomarryamanandliveinVermontsomeday,whichwas
strange,too,becauseMaryElizabethnevertalksaboutthingslike
that.Whenshefinishedthefire,sheputontherecord,andkindof
dancedovertome.Shesaidshefeltverywarm,butnotinthe
temperaturesense.
Themusicstarted,andsheclinkedmyglass,said"cheers,"and
tookasipofbrandy.Brandyisverygood,bytheway,butitwas
betterattheSecretSantaparty.Wefinishedthefirstglassesvery
quickly.
Myheartwasbeatingreallyfast,andIwasstartingtoget
nervous.Shehandedmeanotherglassofbrandyandtouchedmy
handverysoftlywhenshedidit.Then,sheslippedherlegover
mine,andIwatcheditjustdanglethere.Then,Ifeltherhandon
thebackofmyneck.Justkindofmovingslowly.Andmyheart
startedbeatingcrazy.
"Doyouliketherecord?"sheaskedrealquiet.
"Verymuch."Ireallydid,too.Itwasbeautiful.
"Charlie?"
"Uhhuh?"
"Doyoulikeme?"
"Uhhuh."
"YouknowwhatImean?"
"Uhhuh."
"Areyounervous?"
"Uhhuh."
"Don'tbenervous."
"Okay."
That'swhenIfeltherotherhand.Itstartedatmykneeand
workeditswayupthesideofmylegtomyhipandstomach.Then,
shetookherlegoffmineandkindofsatonmylapfacingme.She
lookedrightintomyeyes,andsheneverblinked.Notonce.Her
facelookedwarmanddifferent.Andsheleaneddownandstarted
kissingmyneckandears.Thenmycheeks.Thenmylips.And
everythingkindofmeltedaway.Shetookmyhandandsliditup
hersweater,andIcouldn'tbelievewhatwashappeningtome.Or
whatbreastsfeltlike.Orlater,whattheylookedlike.Orhow
difficultbrasare.
Afterwehaddoneeverythingyoucandofromthestomachup,
Ilaydownonthefloor,andMaryElizabethputherheadonmy
chest.Webothbreathedveryslowlyandlistenedtothemusicand
thefirecrack.Whenthelastsongwasover,Ifeltherbreathonmy
chest.
"Charlie?"
"Uhhuh?"
"DoyouthinkI'mpretty?"
"Ithinkyou'reverypretty."
"Really?"
"Really."
Then,sheheldontomealittletighter,andforthenexthalf
hour,MaryElizabethdidn'ttalkatall.AllIcoulddowasliethere
andthinkabouthowmuchhervoicechangedwhensheaskedmeif
shewaspretty,andhowmuchshechangedwhenIanswered,and
howSamsaidshedidn'tlikethingslikethat,andhowmuchmy
armwasbeginningtohurt.
ThankGodweheardtheautomaticgaragedooropenerwhen
wedid.
Lovealways,
Charlie
March28,1996Dearfriend,
It'sfinallystartingtogetalittlewarmhere,andthepeopleare
beingnicerinthehallways.Nottomenecessarily,justinageneral
way.IwroteapaperaboutWaldenforBill,butthistimeIdidit
differently.Ididn'twriteabookreport.Iwroteareport
pretendingthatIwasbymyselfnearalakefortwoyears.I
pretendedthatIlivedoffthelandandhadinsights.Totellyouthe
truth,Ikindofliketheideaofdoingthatrightnow.
EversincethatnightwithMaryElizabeth,everythinghasbeen
different.ItstartedoutthatMondayinschoolwhereSamand
Patricklookedatmewithbiggrins.MaryElizabethhadtoldthem
aboutthenightwespenttogether,whichIreallydidn'twantherto
do,butSamandPatrickthoughtitwasgreat,andtheywerereally
happyforbothofus.Samkeptsaying,
"Ican'tbelieveIdidn'tthinkofitbefore.Youguysaregreat
together."
IthinkMaryElizabeththinksso,too,becauseshe'sbeenacting
completelydifferent.She'sniceallthetime,butitdoesn'tfeel
right.Idon'tknowhowtodescribeit.It'slikewe'llbehavinga
cigaretteoutsidewithSamandPatrickattheendoftheday,and
we'llallbetalkingaboutsomethinguntilit'stimetogohome.
Then,whenIgethome,MaryElizabethwillcallmerightaway
andaskme,"What'sup?"AndIdon'tknowwhattosaybecause
theonlythingnewinmylifeismywalkhome,whichisn'talot.
ButIdescribethewalkanyway.Andthenshestartstalking,and
shedoesn'tstopforalongtime.She'sbeendoingthisallweek.
Thatandpickinglintoffmyclothes.
Atonepointtwodaysago,shewastalkingaboutbooks,andshe
includedalotofbooksIhadread.AndwhenItoldherthatIhad
readthem,sheaskedmeverylongquestionsthatwerereallyjust
herideaswithaquestionmarkputattheend.TheonlythingI
couldsaywaseither"yes"or"no."Therewashonestlynoroomto
sayanythingelse.Afterthat,shestartedtalkingaboutherplans
forcollege,whichIhadheardbefore,soIputdownthephone,
wenttothebathroom,andwhenIcameback,shewasstilltalking.
Iknowthatwasthewrongthingtodo,butIthoughtifIdidn'ttake
abreak,Iwoulddosomethingevenworse.Likeyellorhangupthe
phone.
ShealsokeepstalkingabouttheBillieHolidayrecordshe
boughtforme.Andshesaysshewantstoexposemetoallthese
greatthings.Andtotellyouthetruth,Idon'treallywanttobe
exposedtoallthesegreatthingsifitmeansthatI'llhavetohear
MaryElizabethtalkaboutallthegreatthingssheexposedmetoall
thetime.Italmostfeelslikeofthethreethingsinvolved:Mary
Elizabeth,me,andthegreatthings,onlythefirstonemattersto
MaryElizabeth.Idon'tunderstandthat.Iwouldgivesomeonea
recordsotheycouldlovetherecord,notsotheywouldalways
knowthatIgaveittothem.
Then,therewasthedinner.Sincetheholidayswereover,my
momaskedifIwouldliketohaveSamandPatrickoverfordinner
likeshepromisedafterItoldhertheysaidshehadgreattastein
clothing.Iwassoexcited!ItoldPatrickandSam,andwemade
plansforaSundaynight,andabouttwohourslater,Mary
Elizabethwalkeduptomeinthehall,andsaid,
"WhattimeSunday?"
Ididn'tknowwhattodo.ItwasjustforSamandPatrick.That
wasthewholeideafromthebeginning.AndInevereveninvited
MaryElizabeth.IguessIknowwhysheassumedthatshewould
beinvited,butsheneverevenwaitedtosee.Orevendropahint.
Oranything.
So,atthedinner,thedinnerwhereIwantedmymomanddadto
seehowniceandgreatSamandPatrickwere,MaryElizabeth
talkedthewholetime.Itwasn'tallherfault.Mydadandmom
askedhermorequestionsthantheyaskedSamorPatrick.Iguess
becauseIamgoingondateswithMaryElizabeth,andthatismore
curioustothemthanmyfriendsare.Iguessthatmakessense.But
still.It'sliketheynevergottomeetSamandPatrick.Andthat
wasthewholepoint.Bythetimedinnerwasover,andtheyallleft,
allmymomsaidwasthatMaryElizabethwassmart,andallmy
dadsaidwasmy"girlfr"waspretty.Theydidn'tsayanythingabout
SamorPatrick.AndallIwantedfromthewholenightwasfor
themtoknowmyfriends.Thatwasveryimportanttome.
Sexthingsareweird,too.It'slikeafterthatfirstnight,wehave
thispatternwherewebasicallydowhatwedidthatfirsttime,but
thereisnofireorBillieHolidayrecordbecauseweareinacar,and
everythingisrushed.Maybethisisthewaythingsaresupposedto
be,butitdoesn'tfeelright.
Mysisterhasbeenreadingallthesebooksaboutwomenever
sinceshetoldherexboyfriendthatthepregnancywasafalse
alarm,andhewantedtogetbacktogether,andshesaidno.
So,IaskedheraboutMaryElizabeth(leavingoutthesexpart)
becauseIknewshecouldbeneutralaboutit,especiallysinceshe
"stayedclear"ofthedinner.MysistersaidMaryElizabethis
sufferingfromlowselfesteem,butItoldherthatshesaidthesame
thingaboutSambackinNovemberwhenshestarteddatingCraig,
andSamiscompletelydifferent.Everythingcan'tbelowself
esteem,canit?
Mysistertriedtoclarifythings.Shesaidthatbyintroducing
metoallthesegreatthings,MaryElizabethgaineda"superior
position"thatshewouldn'tneedifshewasconfidentaboutherself.
Shealsosaidthatpeoplewhotrytocontrolsituationsallthetime
areafraidthatiftheydon't,nothingwillworkoutthewaythey
want.
Idon'tknowifthisisrightornot,butitmademesad
regardless.NotforMaryElizabeth.Orforme.Justingeneral.
BecauseIstartedtothinkthatIdidn'tknowwhoMaryElizabeth
wasatall.I'mnotsayingshewaslyingtome,butshejustactedso
differentbeforeIgottoknowher,andifshereallyisn'tlikewhat
shewasatthebeginning,Iwishshecouldhavejustsaidso.But
maybesheislikeshewasatthebeginning,andIjustdidn'trealize
it.Ijustdon'twanttobeanotherthingMaryElizabethisincharge
of.
IaskedmysisterwhatIshoulddo,andshesaidthebestthingto
doisbehonestaboutmyfeelings.Mypsychiatristsaidthesame
thing.AndthenIfeltreallysadbecauseIthoughtmaybeIwas
differentfromhowMaryElizabethoriginallysawme,too.And
maybeIwaslyingbynottellingherthatitwashardtolistentoher
allthetimewithoutgettingtosayanythingback.ButIwasjust
tryingtobenicelikeSamsaidIshould.Idon'tknowwhereIwent
wrong.
Itriedtocallmybrotheraboutthis,buthisroommatesaidhe
wasreallybusywithschool,soIdecidednottoleaveamessage
becauseIdidn'twanttodistracthim.TheonethingIdidwasmail
myreportaboutWaldentohim,sohecouldshareitwithhisgirlfr.
Then,maybeiftheyhadtime,theycouldreadit,andwecouldtalk
aboutit,andIwouldhavethechancetoaskthembothwhattodo
aboutMaryElizabethsincetheyweregoingoutinagoodwayand
wouldknowhowtomakethingswork.Evenifwedidn'tgettotalk
aboutit,Iwouldstilllovetomeetmybrother'sgirlfr.Evenonthe
phone.IdidgettoseeheronceonaVCRtapeofoneofmy
brother'sfootballgames,butit'sreallynotthesamething.Even
thoughshewasverybeautiful.Butnotinanunconventionalway.
Idon'tknowwhyI'msayingallthis.IjustwishMaryElizabeth
wouldaskmequestionsotherthan"What'sup?"
Lovealways,
Charlie
April18,1992Dearfriend,
Ihavemadeaterriblemessofthings.Ireallyhave.Ifeel
terribleaboutit.PatricksaidthebestthingIcoulddoisjuststay
awayforawhile.
ItallstartedlastMonday.MaryElizabethcametoschoolwith
abookofpoemsbyafamouspoetnamedevery.every.cummings.
Thestorybehindthebookwasthatshesawamoviethattalked
aboutonepoemthatcomparesthiswoman'shandstoflowersand
rain.Shethoughtitwassobeautifulthatshewentoutandbought
thebook.Shehasreaditalotoftimessince,andshesaidshe
wantedmetohavemyowncopy.Notthecopyshebought,buta
newone.
Alldayshetoldmetoshoweveryonethebook.
IknowIshouldhavebeengratefulbecauseitwasaverynice
thingtodo.ButIwasn'tgrateful.Iwasn'tgratefulatall.Don'tget
mewrong.IactedlikeIwas.ButIwasn't.Totellyouthetruth,I
wasstartingtogetmad.Maybeifshewouldhavegivenmethe
copyofthebookthatsheboughtforherself,itwouldhavebeen
different.Ormaybeifshehadjusthandcopiedtherainpoemshe
lovesonapieceofnicepaper.Anddefinitelyifshedidn'tmake
meshowthebooktoeveryoneweknow.
MaybeIshouldhavebeenhonestthen,butitdidn'tfeellikethe
righttime.
WhenIleftschoolthatday,Ididn'tgohomebecauseIjust
couldn'ttalktoheronthephone,andmymotherisnotavery
"adroit"liaraboutthingslikethat.So,instead,Iwalkedtothearea
wherealltheshopsandvideostoresare.Iwentstraighttothe
bookstore.AndwhentheladybehindthecounteraskedmeifI
neededanyhelp,Iopenedupmybag,andIreturnedthebook
MaryElizabethboughtme.Ididn'tdoanythingwiththemoney.
Itjustsatinmypocket.
WhenIwalkedhome,allIcouldthinkwaswhataterriblething
itwasthatIjustdid,andIstartedcrying.BythetimeIwalkedin
thefrontdoor,Iwascryingsomuchthatmysisterstopped
watchingtelevisiontotalktome.WhenItoldherwhatIdid,she
drovemebacktothebookstorebecauseIwastoomessytodrive,
andIgotthebookback,whichmademefeelalittlebetter.
WhenMaryElizabethaskedmewhereIhadbeenalldayonthe
phonethatnight,ItoldherthatIwenttothestorewithmysister.
AndwhensheaskedifIboughthersomethingnice,IsaidIdid.I
didn'teventhinkshewasserious,butIsaiditanyway.Ijustfeltso
badaboutalmostreturningherbook.Ispentthenexthouronthe
phonelisteningtohertalkaboutthebook.Then,wesaidgood
night.Then,Iwentdownstairstoaskmysisterifshecoulddrive
metothestoreagain,soIcouldgetMaryElizabethsomething
nice.Mysistertoldmetodrivemyself.AndthatIhadbetterstart
beinghonestwithMaryElizabethabouthowIfeel.MaybeI
shouldhavethen,butitjustdidn'tfeelliketherighttime.
ThenextdayinschoolIgaveMaryElizabeththegiftthatI
drovetobuyher.ItwasanewcopyofToKillaMockingbird.The
firstthingMaryElizabethsaidwas,
"That'soriginal."
Ijustremindedmyselfthatshedidn'tsayitmean.Shewasn't
makingfunofme.Shewasn'tcomparing.Orcriticizing.Andshe
reallywasn't.Believeme.So,IjustexplainedtoherhowBill
givesmespecialbookstoreadoutsideofclassandhowToKilla
Mockingbirdwasthefirstone.Andhowitwasspecialtome.
Then,shesaid,
"Thankyou.It'sverysweet."
Butthenshewentontoexplainhowshehadreaditthreeyears
earlierandthoughtitwas"overrated"andhowtheyturneditintoa
blackandwhitefilmwithfamousactorslikeGregoryPeckand
RobertDuvallthatwonanAcademyAwardforthescreenplay
writer.Ijustkindofputmyfeelingsawaysomewhereafterthat.
Ileftschool,walkedaround,anddidn'tgethomeuntilone
o'clockinthemorning.WhenIexplainedtomyfatherwhy,he
toldmetoactlikeaman.
Thenextdayinschool,whenMaryElizabethaskedwhereIhad
beenthedaybefore,ItoldherthatIboughtapackofcigarettes,
wenttotheBigBoy,andspenttheentiredayreadingtheevery.
every.cummingsbookandeatingclubsandwiches.IknewIwas
safesayingthatbecauseshewouldneveraskmeanyquestions
aboutthebook.AndIwasright.Aftershegotdonetalkingabout
itthattime,Ididn'tthinkI'deverreallyneedtoreaditmyself.
EvenifIwantedto.
IdefinitelythinkIshouldhavebeenhonestthen,buttotellyou
thetruth,IwasgettingasmadasIusedtogetplayingsports,andit
wasstartingtoscareme.
Luckily,EastervacationwasstartingonFriday,anditdistracted
thingsalittlebit.BillgavemeHamlettoreadforthebreak.He
saidIwouldneedthefreetimetoreallyconcentrateontheplay.I
guessIdon'tneedtosaywhowroteit.TheonlyadviceBillgave
mewastothinkaboutthemaincharacterintermsoftheother
maincharactersinthebooksI'vereadthusfar.Hesaidnottoget
caughtupthinkingtheplaywas"toofancy."
So,onGoodFridayyesterday,wehadaspecialshowingofThe
RockyHorrorPictureShow.Whatmadeitspecialwasthefactthat
everyoneknewitwasthebeginningofEastervacation,andalotof
kidswerestillwearingtheirsuitsanddressesfromMass.It
remindedmeofAshWednesdayinschoolwhenthekidscomein
withthumbprintsontheirforeheads.Italwaysaddsanairof
excitement.
Aftertheshow,Craiginvitedallofusbacktohisapartmentto
drinkwineandlistentotheWhiteAlbum.Aftertherecordwas
over,Patricksuggestedweallplaytruthordare,agamethathe
lovestoplaywhenhe's"buzzed."
Guesswhochosedaresovertruthallnight?Me.Ijustdidn't
wanttotellMaryElizabeththetruthbecauseofagame.
Itwasworkingprettywellmostofthenight.Thedareswere
thingslike"chugabeer."Butthen,Patrickgavemeadare.Idon't
eventhinkheknewwhathewasdoing,buthegaveittome
anyway.
"Kisstheprettiestgirlintheroomonthelips."
That'swhenIchosetobehonest.Inretrospect,Iprobably
couldnothavepickedaworsetime.
ThesilencestartedafterIstoodup(sinceMaryElizabethwas
sittingrightnexttome).BythetimeIhadkneltdowninfrontof
Samandkissedher,thesilencewasunbearable.Itwasn'ta
romantickiss.Itwasfriendly,likewhenIplayedRockyandshe
playedJanet.Butitdidn'tmatter.
IcouldsaythatitwasthewineorthebeerthatIchugged.I
couldalsosaythatIhadforgottenthetimeMaryElizabethasked
meifIthoughtshewaspretty.ButIwouldbelying.Thetruthis
thatwhenPatrickdaredme,IknewthatifIkissedMaryElizabeth,
Iwouldbelyingtoeveryone.IncludingSam.IncludingPatrick.
IncludingMaryElizabeth.AndIjustcouldn'tdoitanymore.Even
ifitwaspartofagame.
Afterthesilence,Patrickdidhisbesttosalvagetheevening.
Thefirstthinghesaidwas,
"Well,isn'tthisawkward?"
Butitdidn'twork.MaryElizabethwalkedquicklyoutofthe
roomandintothebathroom.Patricktoldmelaterthatshedidn't
wantanyonetoseehercry.Samfollowedher,butbeforeshe
completelylefttheroom,sheturnedtomeandsaidseriousand
dark,
"Whatthefuckiswrongwithyou?"
Itwasthelookonherfacewhenshesaidit.Andhowmuchshe
meantit.Itsuddenlymadeeverythingseemlikeitreallywas.I
feltterrible.Justterrible.Patrickimmediatelystoodupandtook
meoutofCraig'sapartment.Wewalkedtothestreet,andtheonly
thingIwasawareofwasthecold.IsaidthatIshouldgoback
insideandapologize.Patricksaid,
"No.I'llgetourcoats.Juststayhere."
WhenPatrickleftmeoutside,Istartedtocry.Itwasrealand
panicky,andIcouldn'tstopit.WhenPatrickcameback,Isaid,
reallycrying,
"IreallythinkIshouldgoapologize."
Patrickshookhishead."Believeme.Youdon'twanttogoin
there."
Then,hejiggledthecarkeysinfrontofmyfaceandsaid,
"Comeon.I'lltakeyouhome."
Inthecar,ItoldPatrickeverythingthathadbeengoingon.
Abouttherecord.Andthebook.AndToKillaMockingbird.And
howMaryElizabethneveraskedanyquestions.AndallPatrick
saidwas,"It'stoobadyou'renotgay."
Thatmademestopcryingalittlebit.
"Thenagain,ifyouweregay,Iwouldneverdateyou.You'rea
mess."
Thatmademestartlaughingalittlebit.
"AndIthoughtBradwasfuckedup.Jesus."
Thatmademelaughalotmore.Then,heturnedontheradio
andwedrovethroughthetunnelsbackhome.Whenhedropped
meoff,Patricktoldmethebestthingtodowaskeepawayfora
while.IguessIalreadytoldyouthat.Hesaidthatwhenheknew
more,he'dgivemeacall.
"Thanks,Patrick."
"Don'tmentionit."
AndthenIsaid,"Youknow,Patrick?IfIweregay,I'dwantto
dateyou."
Idon'tknowwhyIsaidit,butitseemedright.
Patrickjustsmiledcockyandsaid,"Ofcourse."Then,hepeeled
outdowntheroad.
WhenIlaydowninbedthatnight,IputontheBillieHoliday
record,andIstartedreadingthebookofevery.every.cummings
poems.AfterIreadthepoemthatcomparesthewoman'shandsto
flowersandrain,Iputthebookdownandwenttothewindow.I
staredatmyreflectionandthetreesbehinditforalongtime.Not
thinkinganything.Notfeelinganything.Nothearingtherecord.
Forhours.
Somethingreallyiswrongwithme.AndIdon'tknowwhatit
is.
Lovealways,
Charlie
Nobodyhascalledmesincethatnight.Idon'tblamethem.I
havespentthewholevacationreadingHamlet.Billwasright.It
wasmucheasiertothinkofthekidintheplayliketheother
charactersI'vereadaboutsofar.IthasalsohelpedmewhileI'm
tryingtofigureoutwhat'swrongwithme.Itdidn'tgivemeany
answersnecessarily,butitwashelpfultoknowthatsomeoneelse
hasbeenthroughit.Especiallysomeonewholivedsuchalong
timeago.
IdidcallMaryElizabeth,andItoldherthatI'dbeenlisteningto
therecordeverynightandreadingtheevery.every.cummings
book.
Shejustsaid,"It'stoolate,Charlie."
IwouldhaveexplainedthatIdidn'twanttostartgoingondates
againandIwasjustdoingthesethingsasafriend,butIknewit
wouldhaveonlymadethingsworse,soIdidn't.
Ijustsaid,"I'msorry."
AndIreallywassorry.AndIknowthatshebelievedme.But
whenthatdidn'tmakeanydifference,andtherewasnothingbuta
badsilenceonthephone,Ireallyknewitwastoolate.
Patrickdidcallme,butallhesaidwasthatCraiggotreally
angryatSamaboutme,andIshouldkeepstayingawayuntilthings
gotclear.Iaskedhimifhewouldliketogoout,justhimandme.
HesaidthathewouldbebusywithBradandfamilythings,but
he'dtrytocallmeifhecouldfindthetime.Sofar,hehasn't.
IwouldtellyouaboutEasterSundaywithmyfamily,butI've
alreadytoldyouaboutThanksgivingandChristmas,andthere
reallyisn'tmuchofadifference.
Exceptthatmyfathergotaraise,andmymotherdidn'tbecause
shedoesn'tgetpaidforhousework,andmysisterstoppedreading
thoseselfesteembooksbecauseshemetanewboy.
Mybrotherdidcomehome,butwhenIaskedhimifhisgirlfr
readmyreportonWalden,hesaidnobecauseshebrokeupwith
himwhenshefoundouthewascheatingonher.Thathappeneda
whileago.So,Iaskedhimifhehadreadithimself,andhesaid
thathehadn'tbecausehewastoobusy.Hesaidhewouldtryto
readitovervacation.Sofar,hehasn't.
So,IwenttovisitmyauntHelen,andforthefirsttimeinmy
life,itdidn'thelp.Ieventriedtofollowmyownplanand
rememberallthedetailsaboutthelasttimeIhadagreatweek,but
thatdidn'thelp,either.
IknowthatIbroughtthisallonmyself.IknowthatIdeserve
this.I'ddoanythingnottobethisway.I'ddoanythingtomakeit
uptoeveryone.Andtonothavetoseeapsychiatrist,whoexplains
tomeaboutbeing"passiveaggressive."Andtonothavetotakethe
medicinehegivesme,whichistooexpensiveformydad.Andto
nothavetotalkaboutbadmemorieswithhim.Orbenostalgic
aboutbadthings.
IjustwishthatGodormyparentsorSamormysisteror
someonewouldjusttellmewhat'swrongwithme.Justtellme
howtobedifferentinawaythatmakessense.Tomakethisallgo
away.Anddisappear.Iknowthat'swrongbecauseit'smy
responsibility,andIknowthatthingsgetworsebeforetheyget
betterbecausethat'swhatmypsychiatristsays,butthisisaworse
thatfeelstoobig.
Afteraweekofnottalkingtoanyone,IfinallycalledBob.I
knowthat'swrong,butIdidn'tknowwhatelsetodo.Iaskedhim
ifhehadanythingIcouldbuy.Hesaidhehadaquarterounceof
potleft.So,ItooksomeofmyEastermoneyandboughtit.
I'vebeensmokingitallthetimesince.
Lovealways,
Charlie
part4
IwishIcouldreportthatit'sgettingbetter,butunfortunatelyit
isn't.It'shard,too,becausewe'vestartedschoolagain,andIcan't
gototheplaceswhereIusedtogo.Anditcan'tbelikeitwas.
AndIwasn'treadytosaygoodbyejustyet.
Totellyouthetruth,I'vejustbeenavoidingeverything.
Iwalkaroundtheschoolhallwaysandlookatthepeople.I
lookattheteachersandwonderwhythey'rehere.Iftheyliketheir
jobs.Orus.AndIwonderhowsmarttheywerewhentheywere
fifteen.Notinameanway.Inacuriousway.It'slikelookingat
allthestudentsandwonderingwho'shadtheirheartbrokenthat
day,andhowtheyareabletocopewithhavingthreequizzesanda
bookreportontopofthat.Orwonderingwhodidtheheart
breaking.Andwonderingwhy.EspeciallysinceIknowthatif
theywenttoanotherschool,thepersonwhohadtheirheartbroken
wouldhavehadtheirheartbrokenbysomebodyelse,sowhydoes
ithavetobesopersonal?AndifIwenttoanotherschool,Iwould
neverhaveknownSamorPatrickorMaryElizabethoranyone
exceptmyfamily.
Icantellyouonethingthathappened.Iwasintheshopping
mallbecausethat'swhereIgolately.Forthelastcoupleofweeks,
I'vebeengoingthereeveryday,tryingtofigureoutwhypeoplego
there.It'skindofapersonalproject.
Therewasthisonelittleboy.Hemighthavebeenfouryears
old.I'mnotsure.Hewascryingreallyhard,andhekept
screamingforhismom.Hemusthavebeenlost.Then,Isawthis
olderkid,whowasmaybeseventeen.Ithinkhewenttoadifferent
schoolbecauseIhadneverseenhimbefore.Anyway,thisolder
kid,whowasreallytoughlookingwithaleatherjacketandlong
hairandeverything,wentuptothelittleboyandaskedhimwhat
hisnamewas.Thelittleboyansweredandstoppedcrying.
Then,theolderkidwalkedawaywiththelittleboy.
Aminutelater,Iheardtheintercomsaytothemomthatherboy
wasattheinformationdesk.So,Iwenttotheinformationdeskto
seewhatwouldhappen.
Iguessthemomhadbeensearchingforthelittleboyforalong
timebecauseshecamerunninguptotheinformationdesk,and
whenshesawthelittleboy,shestartedcrying.Sheheldhim
tightlyandtoldhimtoneverrunoffagain.Then,shethankedthe
olderkidwhohadhelped,andalltheolderkidsaidwas,"Next
timejustwatchhimalittlefuckingbetter."
Then,hewalkedaway.
Themanwiththemoustachebehindtheinformationdeskwas
speechless.Sowasthemom.Thelittleboyjustwipedhisnose,
lookedupathismom,andsaid,
"Frenchfries."
Themomlookeddownatthelittleboyandnodded,andthey
left.So,Ifollowedthem.Theywenttotheplacewherethefood
standsare,andtheygotfrenchfries.Thelittleboywassmiling
andgettingketchupalloverhimself.Andthemomkeptwipinghis
faceinbetweentakingdragsoffhercigarette.
Ikeptlookingatthemom,tryingtoimaginewhatshemust
havelookedlikewhenshewasyoung.Ifshewasmarried.Ifher
littleboywasanaccidentorplanned.Andifthatmadea
difference.
Isawotherpeoplethere.Oldmensittingalone.Younggirls
withblueeyeshadowandawkwardjaws.Littlekidswholooked
tired.Fathersinnicecoatswholookedevenmoretired.Kids
workingbehindthecountersofthefoodplaceswholookedlike
theyhadn'thadthewilltoliveforhours.Themachineskept
openingandclosing.Thepeoplekeptgivingmoneyandgetting
theirchange.Anditallfeltveryunsettlingtome.
So,Idecidedtofindanotherplacetogoandfigureoutwhy
peoplegothere.Unfortunately,therearen'talotofplaceslikethat.
Idon'tknowhowmuchlongerIcankeepgoingwithoutafriend.I
usedtobeabletodoitveryeasily,butthatwasbeforeIknewwhat
havingafriendwaslike.It'smucheasiernottoknowthings
sometimes.Andtohavefrenchfrieswithyourmombeenough.
TheonlypersonI'vereallytalkedtointhelasttwoweekswas
Susan,thegirlwhousedto"gowith"Michaelbackinmiddle
schoolwhenshehadbraces.Isawherstandinginthehall,
surroundedbyagroupofboysIdidn'tknow.Theywereall
laughingandmakingsexjokes,andSusanwasdoingherbestto
laughalongwiththem.Whenshesawmeapproachingthegroup,
herfacewent"ashen."Itwasalmostlikeshedidn'twantto
rememberwhatshewasliketwelvemonthsago,andshecertainly
didn'twanttheboystoknowthatsheknewmeandusedtobemy
friend.Thewholegroupgotquietandstaredatme,butIdidn't
evennoticethem.IjustlookedatSusan,andallIsaidwas,
"Doyouevermisshim?"
Ididn'tsayitmeanoraccusingly.Ijustwantedtoknowif
anybodyelserememberedMichael.Totellyouthetruth,Iwas
stonedinabadway,andIcouldn'tgetthequestionoutofmymind.
Susanwasataloss.Shedidn'tknowwhattodo.Thesewere
thefirstwordswehadspokensincetheendoflastyear.Iguessit
wasn'tfairofmetoaskherinagrouplikethat,butIneverseeher
byherselfanymore,andIreallyneededtoknow.
Atfirst,Ithoughtherblankexpressionwastheresultof
surprise,butafteritdidn'tgoawayforalongwhile,Iknewthatit
wasn't.ItsuddenlydawnedonmethatifMichaelwerestill
around,Susanprobablywouldn'tbe"goingout"withhimanymore.
Notbecauseshe'sabadpersonorshallowormean.Butbecause
thingschange.Andfriendsleave.Andlifedoesn'tstopfor
anybody.
"I'msorryIbotheredyou,Susan.I'mjusthavingatoughtime.
That'sall.Haveagoodone,"Isaidandwalkedaway.
"God,thatkidissuchafuckingfreak,"Iheardoneoftheboys
whisperwhenIwashalfwaydownthehall.Hesaiditmorefactual
thanmean,andSusandidn'tcorrecthim.Idon'tknowifIwould
havecorrectedhimmyselfthesedays.
Lovealways,
Charlie
May2,1992Dearfriend,
Afewdaysago,IwenttoseeBobtobuymorepot.Ishould
probablysaythatIkeepforgettingBobdoesn'tgotoschoolwith
us.ProbablybecausehewatchesmoretelevisionthananyoneI
know,andhe'sgreatwithtrivia.Youshouldseehimtalkabout
MaryTylerMoore.It'skindofspooky.
Bobhasthisveryspecificwayofliving.Hesayshetakesa
showereveryotherday.Heweighshis"stash"daily.Hesayswhen
you'resmokingacigarettewithsomeone,andyouhavealighter,
youshouldlighttheircigarettefirst.Butifyouhavematches,you
shouldlightyourcigarettefirst,soyoubreatheinthe"harmful
sulfur"insteadofthem.Hesaysit'sthepolitethingtodo.Healso
saysthatit'sbadlucktohave"threeonamatch."Heheardthat
fromhisunclewhofoughtinVietnam.Somethingabouthow
threecigaretteswasenoughtimefortheenemytoknowwhereyou
are.
Bobsaysthatwhenyou'realone,andyoulightacigarette,and
thecigaretteisonlyhalfwaylitthatmeanssomeoneisthinking
aboutyou.Healsosaysthatwhenyoufindapenny,it'sonly
"lucky"ifit'sheadsup.Hesaysthebestthingtodoisfindalucky
pennywhenyou'rewithsomeoneandgivetheotherpersonthe
goodluck.Hebelievesinkarma.Healsolovestoplaycards.
Bobgoesparttimetothelocalcommunitycollege.Hewants
tobeachef.Heisanonlychild,andhisparentsareneverhome.
Hesaysitusedtobotherhimalotwhenhewasyounger,butnotso
muchanymore.
ThethingaboutBobisthatwhenyoufirstmeethim,he'sreally
interestingbecauseheknowsaboutcigaretterulesandpenniesand
MaryTylerMoore.Butafteryou'veknownhimforawhile,he
startstorepeatthesethings.Inthelastfewweeks,hehasn'tsaid
anythingthatIhaven'theardfromhimbefore.That'swhatmadeit
suchashockwhenhetoldmewhathappened.
Basically,Brad'sfathercaughtBradandPatricktogether.
IguessthatBrad'sfatherdidn'tknowabouthissonbecause
whenhecaughtthem,Brad'sfatherstartedbeatingBrad.Nota
slapkindofbeating.Abeltkind.Arealkind.PatricktoldSam
whotoldBobthathehadneverseenanythinglikeit.Iguessitwas
thatbad.Hewantedtosay"Stop"and"You'rekillinghim."He
evenwantedtoholdBrad'sfatherdown.Buthejustfroze.And
Bradkeptyelling,"Getout!"toPatrick.Andfinally,Patrickjust
did.
Thatwaslastweek.AndBradstillhasn'tcometoschool.
Everyonethinkshemighthavebeensenttoamilitaryschoolor
something.Nobodyknowsforsureaboutanything.Patricktried
callingonce,butwhenBrad'sfatheranswered,hejusthungup.
BobsaidPatrickwas"inbadshape."Ican'ttellyouhowsadI
feltwhenhetoldmethatbecauseIwantedtocallPatrickandbe
hisfriendandhelphim.ButIdidn'tknowifIshouldcallhim
becauseofwhathehadsaidaboutwaitinguntilthingsgotclear.
ThethingwasIcouldn'tthinkaboutanythingelse.
So,onFriday,IwenttoTheRockyHorrorPictureShow.I
waiteduntilthemoviehadalreadystartedbeforeIwentintothe
theater.Ididn'twanttoruintheshowforeverybody.Ijustwanted
toseePatrickplayFrank'nFurterjustlikehealwaysdoesbecause
IknewthatifIsawthat,Iknewhewouldbeokay.Justlikemy
sistergettingmadatmeforsmokingcigarettes.
Isatinthebackrowandlookedonthestage.Itwasstilla
coupleofscenesbeforeFrank'nFurterenters.That'swhenIsaw
SamplayingJanet.AndImissedhersomuch.AndIwassosorry
abouthowImessedeverythingup.EspeciallywhenIsawMary
ElizabethplayingMagenta.Itwasallveryhardtowatch.Butthen
PatrickfinallycameonasFrank'nFurter,andhewasgreat.He
wasactuallybetterthaneverinalotofways.Itwasjustsoniceto
seeallmyfriends.Ileftbeforethemoviewasover.
Idrovehomelisteningtosomeofthesongswelistenedtothose
timeswhenwewereinfinite.AndIpretendedtheywereinthecar
withme.Ieventalkedoutloud.ItoldPatrickhowIthoughthe
wasgreat.IaskedSamaboutCraig.ItoldMaryElizabeththatI
wassorryandhowmuchIreallylovedtheevery.every.
cummingsbookandwantedtoaskherquestionsaboutit.Butthen
Istoppedbecauseitstartedtomakemetoosad.Ialsothoughtthat
ifanybodysawmetalkingoutloudwhenIwasaloneinthecar,
theirlooksmightconvincemethatthesomethingthat'swrongwith
memightbeevenworsethanIthought.
WhenIgothome,mysisterwaswatchingamoviewithhernew
boyfriend.Thereisn'tmuchtosayotherthanhisnameisErik,and
hehasshorthairandisajunior.Erikhadrentedthemovie.After
Ishookhandswithhim,IaskedthemaboutthemoviebecauseI
didn'trecognizeitexceptforanactorwhousedtobeonaTV
show,andIcouldn'trememberhisname.
Mysistersaid,"It'sstupid.Youwouldn'tlikeit."
Isaid,"What'sitabout?"
Shesaid,"Comeon,Charlie.It'salmostover."
Isaid,"WoulditbeokayifIwatchedtheend?"
Shesaid,"Youcanwatchitwhenwe'redone."
Isaid,"Well,howaboutIwatchtheendwithyou,andthenI
canrewinditandwatchuptothepointIstartedwatchingwith
you?"
That'swhenshepausedthemovie.
"Can'tyoutakeahint?"
"Isupposenot."
"Wewanttobealone,Charlie."
"Oh.I'msorry."
Totellyouthetruth,IknewshewantedtobealonewithErik,
butIreallywantedtohavesomecompany.Iknewitwasn'tfair,
though,toruinhertimejustbecauseImisseverybody,soIjust
saidgoodnightandleft.
IwentuptomyroomandstartedreadingthenewbookBill
gaveme.It'scalledTheStranger.Billsaidthatit's"veryeasyto
read,butveryhardto`readwell.'"Ihavenoideawhathemeans,
butIlikethebooksofar.
Lovealways,
Charlie
It'sstrangehowthingscanchangebackassuddenlyasthey
changedoriginally.Whenonethinghappensandsuddenly,things
arebacktonormal.
OnMonday,Bradcamebacktoschool.
Helookedverydifferent.Itwasn'tthathewasbruisedor
anything.Hisfaceactuallylookedfine.Butbefore,Bradwas
alwaysthisguywhowalkeddownthehallwaywithabounce.I
can'treallydescribeitanyotherway.It'sjustthatsomepeople
walkwiththeirheadstothegroundforsomereason.Theydon't
liketolookotherpeopleintheeye.Bradwasneverlikethat.But
nowheis.EspeciallywhenitcomestoPatrick.
Isawthemtalkingquietinthehallway.Iwastoofarawayto
hearwhattheysaid,butIcouldtellthatBradwasignoringPatrick.
AndwhenPatrickstartedtogetupset,Bradjustclosedhislocker
andwalkedaway.Itwasn'tthatstrangebecauseBradandPatrick
nevertalkedinschoolsinceBradwantedthingstobesecret.The
strangepartwasthatPatrickwouldwalkuptoBradinthefirst
place.So,Iguessedthattheydidn'tmeetonthegolfcourses
anymore.Ortalkonthephoneeven.
Laterthatafternoon,Iwashavingacigaretteoutsidebymyself,
andIsawPatrickalone,alsohavingacigarette.Iwasn'tclose
enoughtoreallyseehim,butIdidn'twanttointerferewithhis
personaltime,soIdidn'twalkuptohim.ButPatrickwascrying.
Hewascryingprettyhard.Afterthat,wheneverIsawhimaround
anywhere,hedidn'tlooklikehewasthere.Helookedlikehewas
someplaceelse.AndIthinkIknewthatbecausethat'showpeople
usedtosayIwas.Maybetheystilldo.I'mnotsure.
OnThursday,somethingreallyterriblehappened.
Iwassittingaloneinthecafeteria,eatingsalisburysteak,when
IsawPatrickwalkuptoBrad,whowassittingwithhisfootball
buddies,andIsawBradignorehimlikehedidatthelocker.AndI
sawPatrickgetreallyupset,butBradstillignoredhim.Then,I
sawPatricksaysomething,andhelookedprettyangryasheturned
towalkaway.Bradsatstillforasecond,thenheturnedaround.
AndthenIheardit.Itwasjustloudenoughforafewtablesto
hear.ThethingthatBradyelledatPatrick.
"Faggot!"
Brad'sfootballbuddiesstartlaughing.Afewtablesgotquietas
Patrickturnedaround.Hewasmadashell.I'mnotkidding.He
stormeduptoBrad'stableandsaid,
"Whatdidyoucallme?"
God,hewasmad.I'dneverseenPatricklikethatbefore.
Bradsatquietforasecond,buthisbuddieskeptegginghimon
bypushinghisshoulders.BradlookedupatPatrickandsaidsofter
andmeanerthanthelasttime,
"Icalledyouafaggot."
Brad'sbuddiesstartedlaughingevenharder.Thatis,until
Patrickthrewthefirstpunch.It'skindofeeriewhenawholeroom
getsquietatonce,andthentherealnoisestarts.
Thefightwashard.AlotharderthantheoneIhadwithSean
lastyear.Therewasnocleanpunchingorthingsyouseein
movies.Theyjustwrestledandhit.Andwhoeverwasthemost
aggressiveorthemostangrygotinthemosthits.Inthiscase,it
wasprettyevenuntilBrad'sbuddiesgotinvolved,anditbecame
fiveonone.
That'swhenIgotinvolved.Ijustcouldn'twatchthemhurt
Patrickevenifthingsweren'tclearjustyet.
Ithinkanyonewhoknewmemighthavebeenfrightenedor
confused.Exceptmaybemybrother.Hetaughtmewhattodoin
thesesituations.Idon'treallywanttogointodetailexcepttosay
thatbytheendofit,Bradandtwoofhisbuddiesstoppedfighting
andjuststaredatme.Hisothertwofriendswerelyingonthe
ground.OnewasclutchingthekneeIbashedinwithoneofthose
metalcafeteriachairs.Theotheronewasholdinghisface.Ikind
ofswipedathiseyes,butnottoobad.Ididn'twanttobetoobad.
Ilookeddownattheground,andIsawPatrick.Hisfacewas
prettymessedup,andhewascryinghard.Ihelpedhimtohisfeet,
andthenIlookedatBrad.Idon'tthinkwe'deverreallyexchanged
twowordsbefore,butIguessthiswasthetimetostart.AllIsaid
was,
"Ifyoueverdothisagain,I'lltelleveryone.Andifthatdoesn't
work,I'llblindyou."
Ipointedathisfriendwhowasholdinghisface,andIknew
BradheardmeandknewthatImeantit.Hedidn'tsayanything
back,though,becausethesecurityguardsofourschoolcameto
bringallofusoutofthecafeteria.Theytookusfirsttothenurse,
andthentoMr.Small.Patrickstartedthefight,sohewas
suspendedforaweek.Brad'sbuddiesgotthreedayseachfor
ganginguponPatrickaftertheybrokeuptheoriginalfight.Brad
wasn'tsuspendedatallbecauseitwasselfdefense.Ididn'tget
suspendedeitherbecauseIwasjusthelpingtodefendafriend
whenitwasfiveonone.
BradandIgotamonth'sdetention,startingthatday.
Indetention,Mr.Harrisdidn'tsetupanyrules.Hejustletus
readordohomeworkortalk.Itreallyisn'tmuchofapunishment
unlessyoulikethetelevisionprogramsrightafterschoolorare
veryconcernedwithyourpermanentrecord.Iwonderifit'salla
lie.Apermanentrecord,Imean.
Onthatfirstdayofdetention,Bradcametositnexttome.He
lookedverysad.Ithinkitallkindofhithimafterhestopped
feelingnumbfromthefight.
"Charlie?"
"Yeah?"
"Thanks.Thanksforstoppingthem."
"You'rewelcome."
Andthatwasit.Ihaven'tsaidanythingtohimsince.Andhe
didn'tsitnexttometoday.Atfirstwhenhesaidit,Iwaskindof
confused.ButthenIthinkIgotit.BecauseIwouldn'twanta
bunchofmyfriendsbeatingupSamevenifIwasn'tallowedtolike
heranymoreeither.
WhenIgotoutofdetentionthatday,Samwaswaitingforme.
TheminuteIsawher,shesmiled.Iwasnumb.Ijustcouldn't
believeshewasreallythere.Then,IsawherturnandgiveBrada
realcoldlook.
Bradsaid,"TellhimI'msorry."
Samreplied,"Tellhimyourself."
Bradlookedawayandwalkedtohiscar.Then,Samwalkedup
tomeandmessedupmyhair.
"So,Iheardyou'rethisninjaorsomething."
IthinkInodded.
Samdrovemehomeinherpickuptruck.Ontheway,shetold
methatshewasreallyangryatmefordoingwhatIdidtoMary
Elizabeth.ShetoldmethatMaryElizabethisareallyoldfriendof
hers.SheevenremindedmethatMaryElizabethwasthereforher
whenshewentthroughthattoughtimeshetoldmeaboutwhenshe
gavemethetypewriter.Idon'treallywanttorepeatwhatthatwas.
So,shesaidthatwhenIkissedherinsteadofMaryElizabeth,I
reallyhurttheirfriendshipforawhile.BecauseIguessMary
Elizabethreallylikedmealot.ThatmademefeelsadbecauseI
didn'tknowthatshelikedmethatmuch.Ijustthoughtshewanted
toexposemetoallthosegreatthings.That'swhenSamsaid,
"Charlie,you'resostupidsometimes.Doyouknowthat?"
"Yeah.Ireallydo.Knowthat.Honest."
Then,shesaidthatMaryElizabethandshegotoverit,andshe
thankedmefortakingPatrick'sadviceandstayingawayforaslong
asIdidbecauseitmadethingseasier.So,thenIsaid,
"So,wecanbefriendsnow?"
"Ofcourse,"wasallshesaid.
"AndPatrick?"
"AndPatrick."
"Andeveryoneelse?"
"Andeveryoneelse."
That'swhenIstartedcrying.ButSamtoldmetoshush.
"YourememberwhatIsaidtoBrad?"
"Yeah.YoutoldhimthatheshouldtellPatrickthathewas
sorryhimself."
"ThatgoesforMaryElizabeth,too."
"Itried,butshetoldme..."
"Iknowyoutried.I'mtellingyoutotryagain."
"Okay."
Samdroppedmeoff.Whenshewastoofarawaytoseeme,I
startedtocryagain.Becauseshewasmyfriendagain.Andthat
wasenoughforme.So,Imademyselfpromisetonevermessup
likeIdidbefore.AndI'mnevergoingto.Icantellyouthat.
WhenIwenttoTheRockyHorrorPictureShowtonight,itwas
verytense.NotbecauseofMaryElizabeth.Thatwasactually
okay.IsaidIwassorry,andthenIaskedheriftherewasanything
shewantedtosaytome.Andlikebefore,Iaskedaquestionand
gotaverylonganswer.WhenIwasdonelistening(Ireallydid
listen),IsaidIwassorryagain.Then,shethankedmefornot
tryingtomakewhatIdidseemlessbyofferingalotofexcuses.
Andthingswerebacktonormalexceptwewerejustfriends.
Totellyouthetruth,Ithinkthebiggestreasonforeverything
beingokayisthatMaryElizabethstarteddatingoneofCraig's
friends.HisnameisPeter,andhe'sincollege,whichmakesMary
Elizabethhappy.AtthepartyatCraig'sapartment,Ioverheard
MaryElizabethsaytoAlicethatshewasmuchhappierwithPeter
becausehewas"opinionated,"andtheyhaddebates.Shesaidthat
Iwasreallysweetandunderstanding,butthatourrelationshipwas
tooonesided.Shewantedapersonwhowasmoreopento
discussionanddidn'tneedsomeone'spermissiontotalk.
Iwantedtolaugh.Ormaybegetmad.Ormaybeshrugathow
strangeeveryonewas,especiallyme.ButIwasatapartywithmy
friends,soitreallydidn'tmatterthatmuch.IjustdrankbecauseI
figuredthatitwasabouttimetostopsmokingsomuchpot.
ThethingthatmadetheeveningtensewasPatrickofficiallyquit
doingFrank'NotFurterintheshow.Hesaidthathedidn'twantto
doitanymore...ever.So,hesatandwatchedtheshowinthe
audiencewithme,andhesaidthingsthatwerehardtolistento
becausePatrickusuallyisn'tunhappy.
"Youeverthink,Charlie,thatourgroupisthesameasanyother
grouplikethefootballteam?Andtheonlyrealdifferencebetween
usiswhatwewearandwhywewearit?"
"Yeah?"Andtherewasthispause.
"Well,Ithinkit'sallbullshit."
Andhemeantit.Itwashardtoseehimmeanitthatmuch.
SomeguythatIdidn'tknowfromsomewhereelsedidthepart
ofFrank'NotFurter.HehadbeenthesecondtoPatrickforalong
time,andnowhegothischance.Hewasprettygood,too.Notas
goodasPatrick,butprettygood.
Lovealways,
Charli"
I'vebeenspendingalotoftimewithPatrickthesedays.Ireally
haven'tsaidmuch.IjustkindoflistenandnodbecausePatrick
needstotalk.Butitisn'tlikeitwaswithMaryElizabeth.It's
different.
ItstartedoutontheSaturdaymorningaftertheshow.Iwasin
mybedtryingtofigureoutwhysometimesyoucanwakeupand
gobacktosleepandothertimesyoucan't.Then,mymom
knocked.
"YourfriendPatrick'sonthephone."
So,Igotupandwipedawaythesleep.
"Hello?"
"Getdressed.I'monmyway."
Click.Thatwasit.Iactuallyhadalotofworktodosinceit
wasgettingclosertotheendoftheschoolyear,butitsoundedlike
wemightbehavingsomekindofadventure,soIgotdressed
anyway.
Patrickpulledupabouttenminuteslater.Hewaswearingthe
sameclothesheworethenightbefore.Hehadn'tshoweredor
anything.Idon'teventhinkhewenttobed.Hewasjustwide
awakeoncoffeeandcigarettesandMiniThins,whicharethese
smallpillsyoucanbuyatQuickMartsorTruckStops.Theykeep
youawake!They'renotillegaleither,buttheymakeyouthirsty.
So,IclimbedinPatrick'scar,whichwasfilledwithcigarette
smoke.Heofferedmeone,butIsaidnotinfrontofmyhouse.
"Yourparentsdon'tknowyousmoke?"
"No.Shouldthey?"
"Iguessnot."
Then,westarteddriving...fast.
Atfirst,Patrickdidn'tsaymuch.Hejustlistenedtothemusic
onthetapeplayer.Afterthesecondsongstarted,Iaskedhimifit
wasthemixtapeImadehimforSecretSantaChristmas.
"I'vebeenlisteningtoitallnight."
Patrickhadthissmilealloverhisface.Itwasasicksmile.
Glazeyandnumb.Hejustturnedupthevolume.Anddrovefaster.
"I'lltellyousomething,Charlie.Ifeelgood.YouknowwhatI
mean?Reallygood.LikeI'mfreeorsomething.LikeIdon'thave
topretendanymore.I'mgoingawaytocollege,right?It'llbe
differentthere.YouknowwhatImean?"
"Sure,"Isaid.
"I'vebeenthinkingallnightaboutwhatkindofpostersIwantto
putupinmydormroom.AndifI'llhaveanexposedbrickwall.
I'vealwayswantedanexposedbrickwall,soIcanpaintit.Know
whatImean?"
Ijustnoddedthistimebecausehedidn'treallywaitfora"sure."
"Things'llbedifferentthere.Theyhavetobe."
"Theywillbe,"Isaid.
"Youreallythinkso?"
"Sure."
"Thanks,Charlie."
That'skindofhowitwentallday.Wewenttoseeamovie.
Andweatepizza.AndeverytimePatrickstartedgettingtired,we
gotcoffee,andheateanotherMiniThinortwo.Whenthings
startedturningduskoutside,heshowedmealltheplacesheand
Bradwouldmeet.Hedidn'tsaymuchaboutthem.Hejuststared.
Weendedupatthegolfcourse.
Wesatontheeighteenthgreen,whichwasprettyhighonahill,
andwewatchedthesundisappear.Bythispoint,Patrickhad
boughtabottleofredwinewithhisfakeID,andwepasseditback
andforth.Justtalking.
"DidyouhearaboutLily?"heasked.
"Who?"
"LilyMiller.Idon'tknowwhatherrealfirstnamewas,butthey
calledherLily.ShewasaseniorwhenIwasasophomore."
"Idon'tthinkso."
"Ithoughtyourbrotherwouldhavetoldyou.It'saclassic."
"Maybe."
"Okay.Stopmeifyouheardit."
"Okay."
"So,Lilycomesupherewiththisguywhowastheleadinall
theplays."
"Parker?"
"Right,Parker.Howdidyouknow?"
"Mysisterhadacrushonhim."
"Perfect!"Weweregettingprettydrunk."So,ParkerandLily
comeuphereonenight.Andtheyaresoinlove!Heevengaveher
histhespianpinorsomething."
Atthispoint,Patrickisspittingoutwinebetweensentences,
he'slaughingsohard.
"Theyevenhadasong.SomethinglikeBrokenWingsbythat
band,Mr.Mister.Idon'tevenknow,butIhopeitwasBroken
Wingsbecauseitwouldmakethestoryperfect."
"Keepgoing,"Iencouraged.
"Okay.Okay."Heswallowed."So,they'vebeengoingoutfora
longtime,andIthinkthey'veevenhadsexbefore,butthiswas
goingtobeaspecialnight.Shepackedalittlepicnic,andhe
broughtaboomboxtoplayBrokenWings."
Patrickjustcouldn'tgetoverthatsong.Helaughedforten
minutes.
"Okay.Okay.I'msorry.So,theyhavethispicnicwith
sandwichesandeverything.Theystarttomakeout.Thestereo's
playing,andthey'rejustaboutto`doit'whenParkerrealizeshe
forgotthecondoms.They'rebothnakedonthisputtinggreen.
Theybothwanteachother.There'snocondom.So,whatdoyou
thinkhappened?"
"Idon'tknow."
"Theydiditdoggiestylewithoneofthesandwichbags!"
"NO!"wasallIcouldreallysay.
"YES!"wasPatrick'srebuttal.
"GOD!"wasmycounter.
"YES!"wasPatrick'sconclusion.
Afterweshookoffthegigglesandwastedmostofthewine
withspittakes,heturnedtome.
"Andyouwanttoknowthebestpart?"
"What?"
"Shewasthevaledictorian.Andeveryoneknewitwhenshe
wentuptogiveherspeech!"
There'snothinglikethedeepbreathsafterlaughingthathard.
Nothingintheworldlikeasorestomachfortherightreasons.It
wasthatgreat.
So,PatrickandIsharedallthestorieswecouldthinkof.
TherewasakidnamedBarry,whousedtobuildkitesinart
class.Then,afterschool,hewouldattachfirecrackerstothekite
andflyitandblowitup.He'snowstudyingtobeanairtraffic
controller.
Patrick'sstoryviaSam
AndthentherewasthiskidnamedChipwhospentallofhis
moneyfromallowanceandChristmasandbirthdaystobuybug
killingequipmentandhewouldgodoortodooraskingifhecould
killthebugsforfree.
mystoryviamysister
TherewasaguynamedCarlBurnsandeveryonecalledhim
C.B.AndonedayC.B.gotsodrunkatapartythathetriedto
"fuck"thehost'sdog.
Patrick'sstory
Andtherewasthisguytheycalled"ActionJack"because
supposedlyhewascaughtmasturbatingatadrunkparty.Andat
everypeprally,thekidswouldclapandchant.ActionJack...clap
clapclap...ActionJack!
mystoryviamybrother
Therewereotherstoriesandothernames.SecondBaseStace,
whohadbreastsinthefourthgradeandletsomeoftheboysfeel
them.Vincent,whotookacidandtriedtoflushasofadownthe
toilet.Sheila,whoallegedlymasturbatedwithahotdogandhadto
gototheemergencyroom.Thelistwentonandon.
Bytheend,allIcouldthinkwaswhatthesepeoplemustfeel
likewhentheygototheirclassreunions.Iwonderifthey're
embarrassed,andIwonderifthat'sasmallpricetopayforbeinga
legend.
AfterwesoberedupabitwithcoffeeandMiniThins,Patrick
drovemehome.ThemixtapeImadeforhimhitabunchofwinter
songs.AndPatrickturnedtome.
"Thanks,Charlie."
"Sure."
"No.Imeaninthecafeteria."
"Sure."
Afterthat,itwasquiet.Hedrovemehomeandpulledupinthe
driveway.Wehuggedgoodnight,andwhenIwasjustabouttolet
go,heheldmealittletighter.Andhemovedhisfacetomine.
Andhekissedme.Arealkiss.Then,hepulledawayrealslow.
"I'msorry."
"No.That'sokay."
"Really.I'msorry."
"No,really.Itwasokay."
So,hesaid"thanks"andhuggedmeagain.Andmovedinto
kissmeagain.AndIjustlethim.Idon'tknowwhy.Westayedin
hiscarforalongtime.
Wedidn'tdoanythingotherthankiss.Andwedidn'tevendo
thatforverylong.Afterawhile,hiseyeslosttheglazeynumb
lookfromthewineorthecoffeeorthefactthathehadstayedup
thenightbefore.Then,hestartedcrying.Then,hestartedtalking
aboutBrad.
AndIjustlethim.Becausethat'swhatfriendsarefor.
Lovealways,
Charlie
Itseemslikeeverymorningsincethatfirstnight,Iwakeup
dull,andmyheadhurts,andIcan'tbreathe.PatrickandIhave
beenspendingalotoftimetogether.Wedrinkalot.Actually,it's
morelikePatrickdrinks,andIsip.
It'sjusthardtoseeafriendhurtthismuch.Especiallywhen
youcan'tdoanythingexcept"bethere."Iwanttomakehimstop
hurting,butIcan't.So,Ijustfollowhimaroundwheneverhewants
toshowmehisworld.
OnenightPatricktookmetothisparkwheremengotofind
eachother.PatricktoldmethatifIdidn'twanttobebotheredby
anyonethatIshouldjustnotmakeeyecontact.Hesaidthateye
contactishowyouagreetofoolaroundanonymously.Nobody
talks.Theyjustfindplacestogo.Afterawhile,Patricksaw
someoneheliked.HeaskedmeifIneededanycigarettes,and
whenIsaidno,hepattedmyshoulderandwalkedawaywiththis
boy.
Ijustsatonabench,lookingaround.AllIsawwerethe
shadowsofpeople.Someontheground.Somebyatree.Some
justwalking.Itwassoquiet.Afterafewminutes,Ilitacigarette,
andIheardsomebodywhisper.
"Yougotanextracigarette?"thevoiceasked.
Iturnedaroundandsawamaninshadow.
"Sure,"Isaid.
Ireachedouttohandthemanacigarette.Hetookit.
"Yougotalight?"hesaid.
"Sure,"Isaid,andIstruckamatchforhim.
Insteadofjustleaningdownandlightingthecigarette,he
reachedouttomakeacuparoundthematchwithourhands,which
issomethingwealldowhenit'swindy.Butitwasn'twindy.I
thinkhejustwantedtotouchmyhandsbecausewhilehewas
lightingthecigarette,hediditforalotlongerthannecessary.
Maybehewantedmetoseehisfaceovertheglowofthematch.
Toseehowhandsomehewas.Idon'tknow.Hedidlookfamiliar.
ButIcouldn'tfigureoutfromwhere.
Heblewoutthematch."Thanks."Andexhaled.
"Noproblem,"Isaid.
"MindifIsitdown?"heasked.
"Notreally."
Hesatdown.Andsaidafewthings.Anditwashisvoice.I
recognizedhisvoice.So,Ilitanothercigaretteandlookedathis
faceagain,andthoughthard,andthat'swhenIfigureditout.It
wastheguywhodoesthesportsontheTVnews!
"Nicenight,"hesaid.
Icouldn'tbelieveit!IguessImanagedtonodbecausehekept
talking.Aboutsports!Hekepttalkingabouthowthedesignated
hitterinbaseballwasbadandwhybasketballwasacommercial
successandwhatteamslookedpromisingincollegefootball.He
evenmentionedmybrother'sname!Iswear!
AllIsaidwas,"So,what'sitlikebeingontelevision?"
Itmusthavebeenthewrongthingtosaybecausehejustgotup
andwalkedaway.ItwastoobadbecauseIwantedtoaskhimifhe
thoughtmybrotherwouldmakeittothepros.
Anothernight,Patricktookmetothisplacewheretheysell
poppers,whichisthisdrugyouinhale.Theydidn'thavepoppers,
buttheguybehindthecountersaidthathehadsomethingthatwas
justasgood.So,Patrickboughtthat.Itwasinthisaerosalcan.
Webothtookasniffofit,andIswearweboththoughtwewere
goingtodieofaheartattack.
Allinall,IthinkPatricktookmetoabouteveryplacethereisto
gothatIwouldn'thaveknownaboutotherwise.Therewasthis
karaokebarononeofthemainstreetsinthecity.Andtherewas
thisdanceclub.Andthisonebathroominthisonegym.Allthese
places.Sometimes,Patrickwouldpickupguys.Sometimes,he
wouldn't.Hesaidthatitwashardbeingsafe.Andyounever
know.
Thenightshewouldpickupsomeonealwaysmadehimsad.
It'shard,too,becausePatrickbeganeverynightreallyexcited.He
alwayssaidhefeltfree.Andtonightwashisdestiny.Andthings
likethat.Butbytheendofthatnight,hejustlookedsad.
Sometimes,hewouldtalkaboutBrad.Sometimes,hewouldn't.
Butafterawhile,thewholethingjustwasn'tinterestingtohim
anymore,andheranoutofthingstokeephimselfnumb.
So,tonight,hedroppedmeoffathome.Itwasthenightwe
wentbacktotheparkwheremenmeet.AndthenighthesawBrad
therewithsomeguy.Bradwastoointowhathewasdoingto
noticeus.Patrickdidn'tsayanything.Hedidn'tdoanything.He
justwalkedbacktothecar.Andwedroveinsilence.Ontheway,
hethrewthebottleofwineoutthewindow.Anditlandedwitha
crash.Andthistimehedidn'ttrytokissmelikehehadevery
night.Hejustthankedmeforbeinghisfriend.Anddroveaway.
Lovealways,
Charlie
Theschoolyearisjustaboutover.Wehaveanothermonthorso
togo.ButtheseniorslikemysisterandSamandPatrickonlyhave
acoupleofweeks.Then,theyhavepromandgraduation,andthey
areallbusymakingplans.
MaryElizabethistakinghernewboyfriend,Peter.Mysisteris
takingErik.PatrickisgoingwithAlice.AndCraigagreedtogo
withSamthistime.Theyhaveevenrentedalimoandeverything.
Notmysister,though.She'sgoinginhernewboyfriend'scar,
whichisaBuick.
Billhasbeenverysentimentallatelybecausehecanfeelhis
firstyearofteachingcomingtoanend.Atleastthat'swhathesaid
tome.HewasplanningonmovingtoNewYorkandwritingplays,
buthetoldmethathedoesn'treallythinkhewantstoanymore.He
reallylikesteachingkidsEnglishandthinksmaybehecantake
overthedramadepartment,too,nextyear.
Iguesshe'sbeenthinkingaboutthisalotbecausehehadn't
givenmeanewbooktoreadsinceTheStranger.Hedidaskmeto
watchalotofmovies,though,andwriteanessayaboutwhatI
thoughtofallthosemovies.ThemovieswereTheGraduate,
HaroldandMaude,MyLifeasaDog(whichhassubtitles!),Dead
PoetsSociety,andamoviecalledTheUnbelievableTruth,which
wasveryhardtofind.
Iwatchedallthemoviesinoneday.Itwasquitegreat.
TheessayIwrotewasverysimilartothepastfewessaysIwrote
becauseeverythingBilltellsmetoreadorseearesimilar.Except
thetimehehadmereadNakedLunch.
Incidentally,hetoldmehehadgivenmethatbookbecausehe
hadjustbrokenupwithhisgirlfrandwasfeelingphilosophical.I
guessthat'swhyhewassadthatafternoonwhenwetalkedabout
OntheRoad.Heapologizedforlettinghispersonallifeaffecthis
teaching,andIacceptedbecauseIdidn'tknowwhatelsetodo.It's
strangetothinkaboutyourteachersasbeingpeopleevenwhen
they'reBill.Iguesshehassincemadeupwithhisgirlfr.They're
livingtogethernow.Atleastthat'swhathesaid.
So,inschoolBillgavememyfinalbooktoreadfortheyear.
It'scalledTheFountainhead,andit'sverylong.
Whenhegavemethebook,Billsaid,"Beskepticalaboutthis
one.It'sagreatbook.Buttrytobeafilter,notasponge."
Sometimes,IthinkBillforgetsthatIamsixteen.ButIamvery
happythathedoes.
Ihaven'tstartedreadingitbecauseIamverybehindinmyother
classesbecauseIspentsomuchtimewithPatrick.ButifIcan
catchup,IwillendmyfirstyearwithstraightA's,whichmakesme
veryhappy.Ialmostdidn'tgetanAinmath,butthenMr.Carlo
toldmetostopasking"why?"allthetimeandjustfollowthe
formulas.So,Idid.Now,Igetperfectscoresonallmytests.I
justwishIknewwhattheformulasdid.Ihonestlyhavenoidea.
IwasjustthinkingthatIwrotetoyoufirstbecauseIwasafraid
aboutstartinghighschool.Today,Ifeelgood,sothat'skindof
funny.
Bytheway,PatrickstoppeddrinkingthatnighthesawBradin
thepark.Iguesshe'sfeelingbetter.Hejustwantstograduateand
gotocollegenow.
IsawBradindetentiontheMondayafterIsawhimatthepark.
Andhelookedjustlikehealwayslooks.
Lovealways,
Charlie
I'vebeenreadingTheFountainheadforthepastfewdays,and
it'sanexcellentbook.Ireadonthebackcoverthattheauthorwas
borninRussiaandcametoAmericawhenshewasyoung.She
barelyspokeEnglish,butshewantedtobeagreatwriter.Ithought
thatwasveryadmirable,soIsatdownandtriedtowriteastory.
"IanMacArthurisawonderfulsweetfellowwhowearsglasses
andpeersoutofthemwithdelight."
Thatwasthefirstsentence.TheproblemwasthatIjust
couldn'tthinkofthenextone.Aftercleaningmyroomthreetimes,
IdecidedtoleaveIanaloneforawhilebecauseIwasstartingtoget
madathim.
I'vehadalotoftimetowriteandreadandthinkaboutthings
thispastweekbecauseeveryoneisbusywithpromandgraduation
andschedules.NextFridayistheirlastdayofschool.Andthen
promisonTuesday,whichIthoughtwasstrangebecauseIthought
itwouldbeonaweekend,butSamtoldmethateveryschoolcan't
havetheirpromonthesamenightorelsetherewouldn'tbeenough
tuxedosandrestaurantstogoaround.Isaiditfeltverywell
planned.AndthenSundayistheirgraduation.Itallfeelsvery
exciting.Iwishitwerehappeningtome.
IwonderwhatitwillbelikewhenIleavethisplace.Thefact
thatIwillhavetohavearoommateandbuyshampoo.Ithought
howgreatitwouldbetogotomyseniorpromthreeyearsfrom
nowwithSam.Ihopeit'sonaFriday.AndIhopeIwillbea
valedictorianatgraduation.Iwonderwhatmyspeechwouldbe.
AndifBillwouldhelpmewithitifhedidn'tgotoNewYorkand
writeplays.OrmaybehewouldevenifhewasinNewYork
writingplays.Ithinkthatwouldbeespeciallyniceofhim.
Idon'tknow.TheFountainheadisaverygoodbook.IhopeI
ambeingafilter.
Lovealways,
Charlie
June2,1992Dearfriend,
Didyouhaveaseniorprank?I'mguessingyouprobablydid
becausemysistersaidit'satraditionatalotofschools.Thisyear,
theprankwasasfollows:Someseniorsfilledtheswimmingpool
withaboutsixthousandpackagesofgrapeKoolAid.Ihaveno
ideawhothinksofthesethingsorwhy,exceptthattheseniorprank
issupposedtosignifytheendofschool.Whatthishastodowitha
grapepoolisbeyondme,butIwasveryhappynottohavegym.
It'sactuallybeenaveryexcitingtimebecausewe'veallbeen
busyfinishinguptheyear.ThisFridayisthelastdayofschoolfor
allofmyfriendsandmysister.They'vebeentalkingabouttheir
promnonstop.Eventhepeoplethatthinkit'sa"joke"likeMary
Elizabethcan'tstoptalkingaboutwhata"joke"itis.It'sallvery
funtowitness.
So,bythistime,everyonehasfinallyfiguredoutwhichschools
heorsheisgoingtonextyear.PatrickisgoingtotheUniversityof
Washingtonbecausehewantstobenearthemusicthere.Hesays
hethinkshewantstoworkforarecordcompanysomeday.Maybe
beapublicistorapersonwhofindsnewbands.Samfinallymade
herdecisiontoleaveearlyforthesummerprogramatthecollege
ofherchoice.Ilovethatexpression.Collegeofmychoice.Safety
schoolisanotherfavorite.
ThethingwasthatSamgotintotwoschools.Thecollegeofher
choiceandasafetyschool.Shecouldhavestartedatthesafety
schoolinthefall,butinordertogotothecollegeofherchoice,she
hadtodothisspecialsummerprogramjustlikemybrother.That's
right!TheschoolisPennState,whichissogreatbecausenowI
canvisitmybrotherandSamwithonetrip.Idon'twanttothink
aboutSamleavingjustyet,butIdidwonderwhatwouldhappenif
sheandmybrothereverstarteddating,whichisstupidbecause
theyarenothingalike,andSamisinlovewithCraig.Ihaveto
stopdoingthis.
Mysisterisgoingtoa"smallliberalartscollegebackEast"
calledSarahLawrence.Shealmostdidn'tgettogobecauseitcosts
alotofmoney,butthenshegotanacademicscholarshipthrough
theRotaryCluborMooseLodgeorsomethinglikethat,whichI
thoughtwasverygenerousofthem.Mysisterisgoingtobe
secondinherclass.Ithoughtshemighthavebeenvaledictorian,
butshegotaBwhenshewasgoingthroughthattoughtimewith
heroldboyfriend.
MaryElizabethisgoingtoBerkeley.AndAliceisgoingto
studymoviesatNewYorkUniversity.Ineverevenknewsheliked
movies,butIguessshedoes.Shecallsthem"films."
Incidentally,IfinishedTheFountainhead.Itwasareallygreat
experience.It'sstrangetodescribereadingabookasareallygreat
experience,butthat'skindofhowitfelt.Itwasadifferentbook
fromtheothersbecauseitwasn'taboutbeingakid.Anditwasn't
likeTheStrangerorNakedLuncheventhoughIthinkitwas
philosophicalinaway.Butitwasn'tlikeyouhadtoreallysearch
forthephilosophy.Itwasprettystraightforward,Ithought,andthe
greatpartisthatItookwhattheauthorwroteaboutandputitin
termsofmyownlife.Maybethat'swhatbeingafiltermeans.I'm
notsure.
Therewasthisonepartwherethemaincharacter,whoisthis
architect,issittingonaboatwithhisbestfriend,whoisa
newspapertycoon.Andthenewspapertycoonsaysthatthe
architectisaverycoldman.Thearchitectrepliesthatiftheboat
weresinking,andtherewasonlyroominthelifeboatforone
person,hewouldgladlygiveuphislifeforthenewspapertycoon.
Andthenhesayssomethinglikethis...
"Iwoulddieforyou.ButIwon'tliveforyou."
Somethinglikethat.Ithinktheideaisthateverypersonhasto
liveforhisorherownlifeandthenmakethechoicetoshareitwith
otherpeople.Maybethatiswhatmakespeople"participate."I'm
notreallycertain.BecauseIdon'tknowifIwouldmindlivingfor
Samforawhile.Thenagain,shewouldn'twantmeto,somaybe
it'salotfriendlierthanallthat.Ihopesoanyway.
ItoldmypsychiatristaboutthebookandBillandaboutSam
andPatrickandalltheircolleges,buthejustkeepsaskingme
questionsaboutwhenIwasyounger.ThethingisIfeelthatI'm
justrepeatingthesamememoriestohim.Idon'tknow.Hesays
it'simportant.Iguesswe'llhavetosee.
Iwouldwritealittlemoretoday,butIhavetolearnmymath
formulasforthefinalonThursday.Wishmeluck!
Lovealways,
Charlie
Iwantedtotellyouaboutusrunning.Therewasthisbeautiful
sunset.Andtherewasthishill.Thehilluptotheeighteenthgreen
wherePatrickandIspitwinefromlaughing.Andjustafewhours
before,SamandPatrickandeveryoneIloveandknowhadtheir
lastdayofhighschoolever.AndIwashappybecausetheywere
happy.Mysisterevenletmehugherinthehallway.
Congratulationswasthewordoftheday.So,SamandPatrickand
IwenttotheBigBoyandsmokedcigarettes.Then,wewent
walking,waitingforittobetimetogotoRockyHorror.Andwe
weretalkingaboutthingsthatseemedimportantatthetime.And
wewerelookingupthathill.AndthenPatrickstartedrunning
afterthesunset.AndSamimmediatelyfollowedhim.AndIsaw
theminsilhouette.Runningafterthesun.Then,Istartedrunning.
Andeverythingwasasgoodasitcouldbe.
Thatnight,PatrickdecidedtoplayFrank'nFurteronelasttime.
Hewassohappytoputonthecostume,andeveryonewashappy
hedecidedtodoit.Itwasquitemovingactually.Hegavethebest
showIeversawhimgive.MaybeIwasbiased,butIdon'tcare.It
wastheshowI'llalwaysremember.Especiallyhislastsong.
Thesongiscalled"I'mGoingHome."Inthemovie,TimCurry,
whoplaysthecharacter,criesduringthatsong.ButPatrickwas
smiling.Anditfeltjustright.
Ievenpersuadedmysistertocometotheshowwithher
boyfriend.IhavebeentryingtogethertocomesinceIstarted
going,butsheneverwould.Butthistimeshedid.Andsinceshe
andherboyfriendneversawtheshowbefore,theyweretechnically
"virgins,"whichmeanttheywouldhavetodoallthese
embarrassingthingsbeforetheshowstartedtoget"initiated."I
decidednottotellmysisterthis,andsheandherboyfriendhadto
goonstageandtrytodancetheTimeWarp.
Whoeverlostthedancecontesthadtopretendheorshewas
havingsexwithalargestuffedGumbydoll,soIquicklyshowed
mysisterandherboyfriendhowtodancetheTimeWarp,sothey
wouldn'tlosethecontest.Itwasfunwatchingmysisterdancethe
TimeWarponstage,butIdon'tthinkIcouldhavehandledher
pretendingtohavesexwithalargestuffedGumby.
IaskedmysisterifshewantedtocometoCraig'sfortheparty
afterward,butshesaidthatoneofherfriendswashavingaparty,
soshewasgoingtothat.Thatwasokaywithmebecauseatleast
shecametotheshow.Andbeforesheleft,shehuggedmeagain.
Twoinoneday!Ireallydolovemysister.Especiallywhenshe's
nice.
ThepartyatCraig'swasgreat.CraigandPeterbought
champagnetocongratulateallthepeoplewhoweregraduating.
Andwedanced.Andwetalked.AndIsawMaryElizabeth
kissingPeterandlookinghappy.AndIsawSamkissingCraigand
lookinghappy.AndIsawPatrickandAlicenotevencarethatthey
weren'tkissinganybodybecausetheyweretooexcitedtalking
abouttheirfutures.
So,IjustsattherewithabottleofchampagneneartheCD
player,andIchangedthesongstofitthemoodofwhatIsaw.I
waslucky,too,becauseCraighasanexcellentcollection.When
peoplelookedalittletired,Iplayedsomethingfun.Whenthey
lookedliketheywantedtotalk,Iplayedsomethingsoft.Itwasa
greatwaytositaloneatapartyandstillfeelapartofthings.
Aftertheparty,everyonethankedmebecausetheysaiditwas
theperfectmusic.CraigsaidthatIshouldbeadeejaytomake
moneywhileIwasstillinschooljustlikehedoesmodeling.I
thoughtthatwasagoodidea.MaybeIcouldsaveupalotof
money,soIwouldbeabletogotocollegeevenifsomethinglike
theRotaryCluborMooseLodgedidn'tcomethrough.
Mybrothersaidrecentlyonthephonethatifhemakesittothe
pros,Idon'thavetoworryaboutmycollegemoneyatall.Hesaid
he'dtakecareofit.Ican'twaittoseemybrother.He'scoming
homeformysister'sgraduation,whichissonice.
Lovealways,
Charlie
Itisnowpromnight.AndIamsittinginmyroom.Yesterday
wasdifficultbecauseIdidn'tknowanybodysinceallmyfriends
andmysisterwerenolongerinschool.
Theworstwaslunchtimebecauseitremindedmeofwhen
everyonewasangrywithmeforMaryElizabeth.Icouldn'teven
eatmysandwich,andmymommademyfavoritebecauseIthink
sheknewhowsadIwouldbewitheveryonegone.
Thehallsseemeddifferent.Andthejuniorswereacting
differentbecausetheyarenowtheseniors.TheyevenhadTshirts
made.Idon'tknowwhoplansthesethings.
AllIcanthinkaboutisthefactthatSamisleavingintwoweeks
togotoPennState.AndMaryElizabethisgoingtobebusywith
herguy.Andmysisterisgoingtobebusywithhers.AndAlice
andIaren'tthatclose.IknowPatrickwillbearound,butI'm
afraidthatmaybesinceheisn'tsad,hewon'twanttospendtime
withme.Iknowthat'swronginmyhead,butitfeelsthatway
sometimes.So,thentheonlypersonIwouldhavetotalktowould
bemypsychiatrist,andIdon'tliketheideaofthatrightnow
becausehekeepsaskingmequestionsaboutwhenIwasyounger,
andthey'restartingtogetweird.
I'mjustluckythatIhavesomuchschoolworkanddon'thavea
lotoftimetothink.
AllIhopeisthattonightisgreatforthepeoplewhomit's
supposedtobegreatfor.Mysister'sboyfriendshowedupinhis
Buick,andhewaswearingawhite"tails"coatoverablacksuit,
whichlookedwrongforsomereason.His"cumberbunn"(Idon't
knowhowtospellthis)matchedmysister'sdress,whichwas
powderblueandlowcut.Itremindedmeofthosemagazines.I
havetostopspinningoutlikethis.Okay.
AllIhopeisthatmysisterfeelsbeautiful,andhernewguy
makesherfeelbeautiful.IhopethatCraigdoesn'tmakeSamfeel
thatherpromisn'tspecialjustbecausehe'solder.Ihopethesame
forMaryElizabethwithPeter.IhopeBradandPatrickdecideto
makeupanddanceinfrontofthewholeschool.AndthatAliceis
secretlyalesbianandinlovewithBrad'sgirlfrNancy(andvice
versa),sonobodyfeelsleftout.Ihopethedeejayisasgoodas
everyonesaidIwaslastFriday.AndIhopeeveryone'spictures
turnoutgreatandneverbecomeoldphotographsandnobodygets
inacaraccident.
ThatiswhatIreallyhope.
Lovealways,
Charlie
Ijustgothomefromschool,andmysisterisstillasleepfrom
theafterprompartytheschoolorganized.IcalledovertoPatrick
andSam's,butthey'restillasleep,too.PatrickandSamhavea
cordlessphonewhichalwaysrunsoutofbatteries,andSam'smom
soundedlikeamominthePeanutscartoons.WahWah...Wuh.
Ihadtwofinalstoday.Oneinbiology,whichIthinkIgota
perfectin.TheotherinBill'sclass.ThefinalwasaboutThe
GreatGatsby.Theonlythinghardaboutitwasthefactthathehad
mereadthebooksolongago,anditwasdifficulttoremember.
AfterIhandedinthefinal,IaskedBillifhewantedmetowrite
anessayaboutTheFountainhead,sinceItoldhimthatIhad
finishedit,andhehadn'ttoldmetodoanything.Hesaidthatit
wouldn'tbefairtohavemewriteanotheressaywhenIhaveso
manyfinalsthisweek.Instead,heinvitedmeovertohistown
housetospendSaturdayafternoonwithhisgirlfrandhim,which
soundslikefun.
So,onFriday,IwillgotoRockyHorror.Then,onSaturday,I
willgoovertoBill'stownhouse.Then,onSunday,Iwillwatch
everyonegraduateandspendtimewithmybrotherandallthe
familybecauseofmysister.Then,I'llprobablygotoSamand
Patrick'stocelebratetheirgraduating.Then,I'llhavetwomore
daysofschool,whichdoesn'tmakesensebecauseallmyfinalswill
beover.Buttheyhavesomeactivitiesplanned.Atleastthat's
whatI'veheard.
ThereasonIamthinkingsofarinadvanceisbecauseschoolis
terriblylonely.IthinkI'vesaidthatbefore,butit'sgettingharder
everyday.Ihavetwofinalstomorrow.Historyandtyping.Then,
onFriday,Ihavefinalsinallmyotherclasseslikegymandshop.I
don'tknowiftherewillbeactualfinalsintheseclasses.Especially
shop.IthinkMr.Callahanwilljustplaysomeofhisoldrecords
forus.Hedidthatwhenweweresupposedtohaveamidterm,too,
butitwon'tbethesamewithoutPatricklipsynching.Incidentally,
Igotaperfectonmymathfinallastweek.
Lovealways,
Charlie
IjustgothomefromBill'shouse.Iwouldhavewrittentoyou
aboutlastnightthismorning,butIhadtogotoBill's.
Lastnight,CraigandSambrokeup.
Itwasverysadtowatch.Inthepastfewdays,Ihaveheardalot
abouttheprom,andthankstothosetwentyfourhourfilmplaces,I
haveseenwhateveryonelookedlike.Samlookedbeautiful.
Patricklookedhandsome.MaryElizabeth,Alice,MaryElizabeth's
boyfriendalllookedgreat,too.TheonlythingisthatAlicewore
whitestickdeodorantwithastraplessdress,anditshowed.Idon't
thinkthatkindofthingmatters,butsupposedlyAlicewasparanoid
aboutitallnight.Craiglookedhandsomeaswell,butheworea
suitinsteadofatux.That'snotwhytheybrokeup.
Actually,thepromwassupposedtobeverynice.Thelimowas
reallygreat,andthelimodrivergoteveryonestoned,whichmade
theveryexpensivefoodtasteevenbetter.HisnamewasBilly.The
prom'smusiccamefromthisreallybadcoverbandcalledThe
GypsiesoftheAllegheny,butthedrummerwasgood,soeveryone
hadanicetimedancing.PatrickandBraddidn'tevenlookateach
other,butSamsaidPatrickwasreallyokayaboutit.
Aftertheprom,mysisterandherboyfriendwenttotheafter
prompartytheschoolorganized.Itwasatthispopulardanceclub
downtown.Shesaidthatitwasreallyfunwitheveryoneall
dressedupanddancingtogoodmusicplayedbyadeejayinstead
ofTheGypsiesoftheAllegheny.Theyevenhadacomedianwho
didimpersonations.Theonlythingwasthatonceyouwentin,you
couldn'tleaveandcomeback.Iguesstheparentsthoughtthatit
wouldkeepthekidsoutoftrouble.Butnobodyseemedtomind.
Theywerehavingtoomuchfun,andenoughpeoplesmuggledin
liquoranyway.
Aftertheparty,itwasaboutseveno'clockinthemorningand
everyonewenttotheBigBoyforpancakesorbacon.
IaskedPatrickhowhelikedtheafterpromparty,andhesaid
thatitwasalotoffun.HesaidthatCraighadrentedahotelsuite
forallofthem,butonlyCraigandSamwent.Actually,Sam
wantedtogototheafterprompartytheschoolorganized,too,but
Craiggotreallyangrybecausehealreadypaidforthehotelsuite.
That'snotwhytheybrokeup.
IthappenedyesterdayatCraig'shouseafterRockyHorror.Like
Isaid,MaryElizabeth'sboyfriend,Peter,isgoodfriendswith
Craig,andhekindofsteppedintothemiddleofthings.Iguesshe
reallylikesMaryElizabethalotandhasgrowntolikeSamquitea
bitbecausehe'stheonewhobroughtitup.Nobodyeven
suspected.
Basically,CraighadbeencheatingonSameversincethey
startedgoingout.AndwhenIsaycheat,Idon'tmeanhegotdrunk
onceandfooledaroundwithonegirlandfeltbadaboutit.There
wereseveralgirls.Severaltimes.Drunkandsober.AndIguess
heneverfeltbad.
ThereasonPeterdidn'tsayanythingatfirstwasthefactthathe
didn'tknowanybody.Andhedidn'tknowSam.Hejustthought
shewasthisdumbhighschoolgirlbecausethat'swhatCraig
alwaystoldhim.
Anyway,afterhegottoknowSam,PeterkepttellingCraigthat
Craighadtotellherthetruthbecauseshewasn'tjustsomedumb
highschoolgirl.Craigkeptpromisinghewould,butheneverdid
it.Therewasalwayssomeexcuse.Craigcalledthem"reasons."
"Idon'twanttoruinthepromforher."
"Idon'twanttoruingraduationforher."
"Idon'twanttoruintheshowforher."
Then,finally,Craigsaidtherewasnopointtellingheranything
atall.Shewasabouttogoawaytocollegeanyway.Shewould
findanewguy.Hewasalways"safe"aboutothergirls.Therewas
nothingtoworryaboutinthatway.AndwhynotjustletSam
rememberthewholeexperienceinagoodway?Becausehereally
likedSamanddidn'twanttohurtherfeelings.
Peterwentalongwiththislogiceventhoughhethoughtitwas
wrong.Atleastthat'swhathesaid.Butthenaftertheshow
yesterday,Craigtoldhimthathefooledaroundwithyetanother
girltheafternoonoftheprom.That'swhenPetertoldCraigthatif
Craigdidn'tsaysomethingtoSam,hewould.Well,Craigdidn't
sayanything,andPeterstilldidn'tthinkitwashisbusiness,but
thenheoverheardSamattheparty.ShewastalkingtoMary
ElizabethabouthowCraigmightbe"theone"andhowshewas
tryingtothinkofwaystokeepitgoinglong.tancewhileshewas
atschool.Letters.Phonecalls.Vacations.Andbreaks.Thatwas
itforPeter.
HewentuptoCraigandsaid,"Youtellhersomethingnow,orI
tellhereverything."
So,CraigpulledSamintohisbedroom.Theywereintherefor
awhile.Then,Samwalkedfromthebedroomstraightoutthefront
door,silentlysobbing.Craigdidn'trunafterher.Thatwas
probablytheworstpart.Notthatheshouldhavetriedtogetback
togetherwithher,butIthinkheshouldhaverunafterheranyway.
AllIknowisthatSamwasdevastated.MaryElizabethand
Alicewentafterhertomakesureshewasokay.Iwouldhave
gone,too,butPatrickgrabbedmyarmtostay.Hewantedtoknow
whatwasgoingon,Iguess,ormaybehefiguredSamwouldbe
betteroffwithfemalecompany.
I'mgladthatwestayed,though,becauseIthinkourpresence
preventedaprettyviolentfightbetweenCraigandPeter.Because
wewerethere,alltheyreallydidwasscreamateachother.That's
whereIheardmostofthedetailsI'mwritingtoyouabout.
Craigwouldsay,"Fuckyou,Peter!Fuckyou!"
AndPeterwouldsay,"Don'tblamemethatyoufuckedaround
onhersincethebeginning!Theafternoonofherprom!?You're
justabastard!Youhearme?!Afuckingbastard!"
Thingslikethat.
Whenitlookedlikethingsweregoingtogetviolent,Patrick
steppedbetweenthetwoand,withmyhelp,gotPeteroutofthe
apartment.Whenwegotoutside,thegirlsweregone.So,Patrick
andIgotintoPatrick'scaranddrovePeterhome.Hewasstill
seething,sohe"vented"aboutCraig.That'swhereIheardtherest
ofthedetailsI'mwritingtoyouabout.Finally,wedroppedPeter
off,andhemadeuspromisetomakesureMaryElizabethdidn't
thinkhewascheatingonherbecausehewasn't.Hejustdidn't
wanttobefound"guiltybyassociation"withthat"prick."
Wepromised,andhewentintohisapartmentbuilding.
PatrickandIweren'tsurehowmuchCraigactuallytoldSam.
Webothhopedhegavehera"soft"versionofthetruth.Enoughto
makeherstayaway.Butnotenoughtomakeherdoubteverything
abouteverything.Maybeit'sbettertoknowthewholetruth.I
honestlydon'tknow.
So,wejustmadeapactthatwewouldn'ttellherunlesswe
foundoutthatCraigmadeitsoundlike"nothingbig,"andSam
wasreadytoforgivehim.Ihopeitdoesn'tcometothat.Ihope
Craigtoldherenoughtomakeherstayaway.
Wedrovearoundtoalltheplaceswherewethoughtwemight
findthegirls,butwecouldn'tfindthem.Patrickfiguredtheywere
probablyjustdrivingaround,tryingtoletSam"cooloffabit."
So,Patrickdroppedmeathome.Hesaidhe'dcallme
tomorrowwhenheheardanything.
Iremembergoingtosleeplastnight,andIrealizedsomething.
SomethingthatIthinkisimportant.Irealizedthatthroughoutthe
courseoftheevening,Iwasn'thappyaboutCraigandSam
breakingup.Notatall.
IneveroncethoughtthatitwouldmeanSammightstartliking
me.AllIcaredaboutwasthefactthatSamgotreallyhurt.AndI
guessIrealizedatthatmomentthatIreallydidloveher.Because
therewasnothingtogain,andthatdidn'tmatter.
ItwashardwalkingupthestepstoBill'stownhousethat
afternoonbecauseIdidn'treceiveaphonecallallmorningfrom
Patrick.AndIwassoworriedaboutSam.Icalledonthephone,
butnobodywasthere.
Billlooksdifferentwithoutasuit.Hewaswearinghisold
graduateschoolTshirt.WhichwasBrown.Theschool.Notthe
color.Hisgirlfrwaswearingsandalsandaniceflowereddress.
Sheevenhadhairunderherarms.Nokidding!Theylookedvery
happytogether.AndIwasgladforBill.
Theirhousedidn'thavealotoffurnitureinit,butitwasvery
comfortable.Theyhadalotofbooks,whichIspentaboutahalf
anhouraskingthemabout.TherewasalsoapictureofBillandhis
girlfrwhentheywereatBrowntogetheringraduateschool.Bill
hadverylonghairthen.
Bill'sgirlfrmadelunchwhileBillmadethesalad.Ijustsatin
thekitchen,drinkingagingerale,andwatchingthem.Thelunch
wasaspaghettidishofsomesortbecauseBill'sgirlfrdoesn'teat
meat.Billdoesn'teatmeateithernow.Thesaladdidhave
imitationbaconbits,though,becausebaconistheonlythingthey
bothmiss.
Theyhadareallynicecollectionofjazzrecords,andtheykept
playingthemallthroughlunch.Afterawhile,theybrokeopena
bottleofwhitewineandgavemeanothergingerale.Then,we
startedtalking.
BillaskedmeaboutTheFountainhead,andItoldhim,making
surethatIwasafilter.
Then,heaskedmeabouthowIlikedmyfirstyearofhigh
school,andItoldhim,makingsurethatIincludedallthestoriesin
whichI"participated."
Then,heaskedmeaboutgirls,andItoldhimhowIreallyloved
Sam,andhowIwonderedwhattheladywhowroteThe
FountainheadwouldsayabouthowIcametorealizethatIloved
her.
AfterIfinished,Billgotveryquiet.Heclearedhisthroat.
"Charlie...Iwanttothankyou."
"Why?"Isaid.
"Becauseithasbeenawonderfulexperienceteachingyou."
"Oh...I'mglad."Ididn'tknowwhatelsetosay.
Then,Billtookthisreallylongpause,andhisvoicesounded
likemydadwhenhewantstohaveabigtalk.
"Charlie,"hesaid."DoyouknowwhyIgaveyouallthatextra
work?"
Ishookmyheadno.Thatlookonhisface.Itmademequiet.
"Charlie,doyouknowhowsmartyouare?"
Ijustshookmyheadnoagain.Hewastalkingforreal.Itwas
strange.
"Charlie,you'reoneofthemostgiftedpeopleI'veeverknown.
AndIdon'tmeanintermsofmyotherstudents.Imeanintermsof
anyoneI'veevermet.That'swhyIgaveyoutheextrawork.Iwas
wonderingifyouwereawareofthat?"
"Iguessso.Idon'tknow."Ifeltreallystrange.Ididn'tknow
wherethiswascomingfrom.Ijustwrotesomeessays.
"Charlie.Pleasedon'ttakethisthewrongway.I'mnottrying
tomakeyoufeeluncomfortable.Ijustwantyoutoknowthat
you'reveryspecial...andtheonlyreasonI'mtellingyouisthatI
don'tknowifanyoneelseeverhas."
Ilookedupathim.AndthenIdidn'tfeelstrange.IfeltlikeI
wantedtocry.Hewasbeingsonicetome,andthewayhisgirlfr
looked,Iknewthatthismeantalottohim.AndIdidn'tknowwhy
itdid.
"So,whentheschoolyearends,andI'mnotyourteacher
anymore,Iwantyoutoknowthatifyoueverneedanything,or
wanttoknowaboutmorebooks,orwanttoshowmeanythingyou
write,oranything,youcanalwayscometomeasafriend.Ido
consideryouafriend,Charlie."
Istartedcryingalittlebit.Iactuallythinkhisgirlfrwas,too.
ButBillwasn't.Helookedverysolid.Ijustrememberwantingto
hughim.ButI'veneverdonethatbefore,andIguessPatrickand
girlsandfamilydon'tcount.Ididn'tsayanythingforawhile
becauseIdidn'tknowwhattosay.
So,finallyIjustsaid,"You'rethebestteacherIeverhad."
Andhesaid,"Thankyou."
Andthatwasthat.Billdidn'ttrytomakesurethatIwouldsee
himnextyearifIneededanything.Hedidn'taskmewhyIwas
crying.Hejustletmehearwhathehadtosayinmyownwayand
letthingsbe.Thatwasprobablythebestpart.
Afterafewminutes,itwastimeformetoleave.Idon'tknow
whodecidesthesethings.Itjusthappens.
So,wewenttothedoor,andBill'sgirlfrhuggedmegoodbye,
whichwasveryniceconsideringIdidn'tknowherexceptfortoday.
Then,Billextendedhishand,andItookit.Andweshookhands.
AndIevensneakedinaquickhugbeforeIsaid"goodbye."
WhenIwasdrivinghome,Ijustthoughtabouttheword
"special."AndIthoughtthelastpersonwhosaidthataboutme
wasmyauntHelen.Iwasverygratefultohavehearditagain.
BecauseIguessweallforgetsometimes.AndIthinkeveryoneis
specialintheirownway.Ireallydo.
Mybrothergetshometonight.Andeveryone'sgraduationis
tomorrow.Patrickstillhasn'tcalled.Icalledhim,butnoonewas
homeagain.So,Idecidedtogooutandbuyeveryonetheir
graduationpresents.Ireallyhaven'thadtimetodothatuntilnow.
Lovealways,
Charlie
Ijustrodehomeonthebus.Itwasthelastdayofschoolforme
today.Anditwasraining.WhenIdoridethebus,Iusuallysit
towardthemiddlebecauseI'veheardsittinginthefrontisfornerds
andsittinginthebackisforsquids,andthewholethingmakesme
nervous.Idon'tknowwhattheycall"squids"inotherschools.
Anyway,todayIdecidedtositinthefrontwithmylegsoverthe
wholeseat.KindoflikeIwaslyingdownwithmybacktothe
window.IdidthissoIcouldlookbackattheotherkidsonthe
bus.I'mgladschoolbusesdon'thaveseatbelts,orelseIwouldn't
havebeenabletodoit.
TheonethingInoticedwashowdifferenteveryonelooked.
Whenwewerealllittle,weusedtosingsongsonthebusride
homefromthelastdayofschool.ThefavoritesongwasaPink
Floydsong,Ifoundoutlater,calledAnotherBrickintheWall,Part
II.Buttherewasthisothersongwelovedevenmorebecauseit
endedwithaswear.Itwentlikethis...
Nomorepencilsarnomorebooksarnomoreteachers'dirty
looksarwhentheteacherringsthebellardropyourbooksand
runlikehell.
Whenwefinished,welookedatthebusdriverforatense
second.Then,wealllaughedbecauseweknewwecouldgetin
troubleforswearing,butthestrengthofournumberswould
preventanyretribution.Weweretooyoungtoknowthatthebus
driverdidn'tcareaboutoursong.Thatallhewantedtodowasgo
homeafterwork.Andmaybesleepoffthedrinkshehadatlunch.
Backthen,itdidn'tmatter.Thenerdsandthesquidswereone.
MybrothercamehomeSaturdaynight.Andhelookedeven
moredifferentthanthekidsontheschoolbuslookedcomparedto
thebeginningoftheyear.Hehadabeard!Iwassohappy!Healso
smileddifferentandwasmore"courteous."Weallsatdownto
dinner,andeveryoneaskedhimquestionsaboutcollege.Dad
askedaboutfootball.Momaskedaboutclasses.Iaskedforallthe
funstories.Mysisteraskednervousquestionsaboutwhatcollege
is"really"likeandwouldsheputonthe"freshmanfifteen"?Idon't
knowwhatthisis,butI'mguessingitmeansyougetfatter.
Iwasexpectingmybrothertojusttalkandtalkabouthimself
foralongtime.Hewoulddothatwhenevertherewasabiggame
inhighschoolorthepromorsomething.Butheseemedalotmore
interestedinwhatwewerealldoing,especiallymysisterwithher
graduation.
So,whiletheyweretalking,IsuddenlyrememberedtheTV
newssportsmanandwhathesaidaboutmybrother.Igotso
excited.AndItoldmywholefamily.Andthisiswhathappened
asaresult.
Mydadsaid,"Hey!Howaboutthat?!"
Mybrothersaid,"Really!?"
Isaid,"Yeah.Italkedtohim."
Mybrothersaid,"Didhesaysomethinggood?"
Myfathersaid,"Anypressisgoodpress."Idon'tknowwhere
myfatherlearnsthesethings.
Mybrotherkeptgoing."Whatdidhesay?"
Isaid,"Well,Ithinkhesaidthatcollegesportsputsalotof
pressureonthestudentswhodothem."Mybrotherkeptnodding.
"Buthesaidthatitbuiltcharacter.AndhesaidthatPennStatewas
lookingreallygoodwiththeirrecruitment.Andhementioned
you."
Mydadsaid,"Hey!Howaboutthat?"
Mybrothersaid,"Really?"
Isaid,"Yeah.Italkedtohim."
Mybrothersaid,"Whendidyoutalktohim?"
Isaid,"Acoupleweeksago."
AndthenIfrozebecauseIsuddenlyrememberedtheotherpart.
ThefactthatImetthemanintheparkatnight.AndthefactthatI
gavehimoneofmycigarettes.Andthefactthathewastryingto
pickmeup.Ijustsatthere,hopingitwouldgoaway.Butitdidn't.
"Wheredidyoumeethim,honey?"mymomasked.
Theroomturnedpinsandneedlesquiet.AndIdidmybest
impersonationofmyselfwhenIcan'tremembersomething.And
here'swhat'sgoingoninsidemyhead.
Okay...hecametoschooltohaveatalkwiththeclass...no...
mysisterwouldknowitwasalie...ImethimattheBigBoy...he
waswithhisfamily...no...mydadwouldscoldmeforbothering
the"poorman"...hesaiditonanewscast...butIsaidItalked
tohim...wait...
"Inthepark.IwastherewithPatrick,"Isaid.
Mydadsaid,"Washetherewithhisfamily?Didyoubotherthe
poorman?"
"No.Hewasalone."
Thatwasenoughformydadandeverybodyelse,andIdidn't
evenhavetolie.Luckily,theattentionwasturnedoffmewhenmy
mothersaidwhatshelikestosaywhenwe'realltogether
celebratingsomething.
"Who'sinthemoodforicecream?"
Everyonewasexceptformysister.Ithinkshewasworried
aboutthe"freshmanfifteen."
Thenextmorningstartedearly.Istillhadn'theardfromPatrick
orSamoranybody,butIknewIwouldseethematgraduation,soI
triednottoworrytoomuch.Allmyrelatives,includingmydad's
familyfromOhio,cametothehousearoundtenA.M.Thetwo
familiesreallydon'tlikeeachother,exceptforallusyounger
cousinsbecausewedon'tknowanybetter.
Wehadthisbigbrunchwithchampagne,andjustlikelastyear
formybrother'sgraduation,mymomgaveherdad(my
grandfather)sparklingapplejuiceinsteadofchampagnebecause
shedidn'twanthimtogetdrunkandmakeascene.Andhesaid
thesamethinghesaidlastyear.
"Thisisgoodchampagne."
Idon'tthinkheknewthedifferencebecausehe'sabeerdrinker.
Sometimes,whiskey.
Aroundtwelvethirty,brunchwasover.Allthecousinsdrove
allthecarsbecausetheadultswerestillalittletoodrunktodriveto
thegraduation.Exceptformydad,becausehewastoobusy
videotapingeveryonewithacameraherentedfromthevideostore.
"Whybuyacamerawhenyouonlyneeditthreetimesayear?"
So,mysister,brother,dad,mom,andIeachhadtogoina
differentcartomakesurenobodygotlost.IwentwithallmyOhio
cousins,whopromptlypulledouta"joint"andpasseditaround.I
didn'tsmokeanyofitbecauseIwasn'tinthemood,andtheysaid
whattheyalwayssay.
"Charlie,you'resuchapussy."
So,allthecarspulledintotheparkinglot,andweallgotout.
AndmysisteryelledatmycousinMikeforrollingdownthe
windowwhilehewasdrivingandmessingupherhair.
"Iwassmokingacigarette,"washisreply.
"Couldn'tyouwaittenminutes?"wasmysister's.
"Butitwasagreatsong,"washisfinalword.
So,asmydadwasgettingthevideocameraoutofthetrunk,
andmybrotherwastalkingtosomeofthegraduatinggirlswho
wereayearolderand"lookinggood,"mysisterwentformymom
togetmymom'spurse.Thegreatthingaboutmymom'spurseis
thatnomatterwhatyouneedatanygivenmoment,shehasit.
WhenIwaslittle,Iusedtocallitthe"firstaidkit"becausethat's
allweneededbackthen.Istillcan'tfigureouthowshedoesit.
Afterprimping,mysisterfollowedthetrailofgraduationcaps
tothefield,andweallfoundourwaytothebleachers.Isatin
betweenmymomandbrothersincemydadwasoffgettingabetter
cameraangle.Andmymomkeptshushingmygrandfather,who
kepttalkingabouthowmanyblackpeoplewereintheschool.
Whenshecouldn'tstophim,shementionedmystoryaboutthe
TVnewssportsmantalkingaboutmybrother.Thismademy
grandfathercallmybrotherovertotalkaboutit.Thiswassmarton
mymom'spartbecausemybrotheristheonlypersonwhocanget
mygrandfathertostopmakingascenebecausehe'sreallydirect
aboutit.Afterthestory,thisiswhathappened...
"Jesus.Lookatthesebleachers.Howmanycoloredpeople"
Mybrothercuthimoff.
"Okay,Grandpa.Here'sthedeal.Ifyouembarrassusonemore
time,I'mgoingtodriveyoubacktothenursinghome,andyou'll
neverseeyourgranddaughtergiveaspeech."Mybrotherisreal
tough.
"Butthenyouwon'tseethespeecheither,bigshot."My
grandfather'srealtough,too.
"Yeah,butmydadisvideotapingit.AndIcanarrangeitsoI
gettoseethetape,andyoudon't.Can'tI?"
Mygrandfatherhasareallyweirdsmile.Especiallywhen
someoneelsewins.Hedidn'tsayanythingmoreaboutit.Hejust
startedtalkingaboutfootballanddidn'tevenmentionanything
aboutmybrotherplayingonateamwithblackkids.Ican'ttellyou
howbaditwaslastyearsincemybrotherwasonthefield
graduatinginsteadofupinthebleachersmakingmygrandfather
stop.
Whiletheyweretalkingfootball,IkeptlookingforPatrickand
Sam,butallIsawwerethosegraduationcapsinthedistance.
Whenthemusicstarted,thecapsstartedmarchingtowardthe
foldingchairssetuponthefield.That'swhenIfinallysawSam
walkingbehindPatrick.Iwassorelieved.Icouldn'treallytellif
shewashappyorsad,butitwasenoughjusttoseeherandknow
thatshewasthere.
Whenallthekidsgotinthechairs,themusicstopped.AndMr.
Smallgotupandgaveaspeechaboutwhatawonderfulclassthis
was.Hementionedsomeoftheachievementstheschoolhad
made,andheemphasizedhowmuchtheyneededsupportatthe
CommunityDayBakeSaletostartanewcomputerlab.Then,he
introducedtheclasspresident,whogaveaspeech.Idon'tknow
whatclasspresidentsdo,butthegirlgaveaverygoodspeech.
Then,itwastimeforthefivetophonorstudentstogivea
speech.That'sthetraditionintheschool.Mysisterwassecondin
herclass,soshegavethefourthspeech.Thevaledictorianis
alwayslast.Then,Mr.Smallandtheviceprincipal,whomPatrick
swearsisgay,handoutthediplomas.
Thefirstthreespeecheswereverysimilar.Theyallhadquotes
frompopsongsthathadsomethingtodowiththefuture.Andall
throughthespeeches,Icouldseemymother'shands.Shewas
grippingthemtighterandtightertogether.
Whentheyannouncedmysister'sname,mymomuncoiledinto
applause.Itwasreallygreatwatchingmysistergetonthepodium
becausemybrotherwassomethinglike223rdinhisclassand
consequentlydidn'tgettogiveaspeech.AndmaybeI'mbiased,
butwhenmysisterquotedapopsongandtalkedaboutthefuture,
itseemedgreat.Ilookedoveratmybrother,andhelookedoverat
me.Andwebothsmiled.Then,welookedatmymother,andshe
wascryingrealsoftandmessy,somybrotherandIeachtookone
ofherhands.Shelookedatusandsmiledandcriedharder.Then,
webothrestedourheadsonhershoulders,likeasidewayshug,
whichmadehercryevenharder.Ormaybeitlethercryeven
harder.I'mnotsurewhich.Butshegaveourhandsalittlesqueeze
andsaid,"Myboys,"realsoft,andwentbacktocrying.Ilovemy
momsomuch.Idon'tcareifthat'scornytosay.Ithinkonmy
nextbirthday,I'mgoingtobuyherapresent.Ithinkthatshouldbe
thetradition.Thekidgetsgiftsfromeverybody,andhebuysone
presentforhismomsinceshewasthere,too.Ithinkthatwouldbe
nice.
Whenmysisterfinishedherspeech,weallclappedandyelled,
butnobodyclappedoryelledlouderthanmygrandfather.Nobody.
Idon'trememberwhatthevaledictoriansaidexceptthatshe
quotedHenryDavidThoreauinsteadofapopsong.
Then,Mr.Smallgotuponthestageandaskedeveryoneto
refrainfromapplauseuntilallthenameswerereadandallthe
diplomaswerehandedout.Ishouldmentionthatthisdidn'twork
lastyeareither.
So,Isawmysistergetherdiplomaandmymothercryagain.
AndthenIsawMaryElizabeth.AndIsawAlice.AndIsaw
Patrick.AndIsawSam.Itwasagreatday.EvenwhenIsaw
Brad.Itseemedokay.
Weallmetmysisterintheparkinglot,andthefirstonetohug
herwasmygrandfather.Hereallyisaproudmaninhisway.
Everyonesaidhowmuchtheylovedmysister'sspeechevenifthey
didn't.Then,weallsawmyfatherwalkingacrosstheparkinglot,
holdingthevideocameraabovehisheadtriumphantly.Idon't
thinkanybodyhuggedmysisterlongerthanmydad.Ilooked
aroundforSamandPatrick,butIcouldn'tfindthemanywhere.
Onthewayhomefortheparty,myOhiocousinslitupanother
joint.Thistime,Itookahit,buttheystillcalledmea"pussy."I
don'tknowwhy.Maybethat'sjustwhatOhiocousinsdo.Thatand
telljokes.
"Whathas32legsand1tooth?"
"What?"weallasked.
"AWestVirginiaunemploymentline."
Thingslikethat.
Whenwegothome,myOhiocousinswentstraightforthebar
becausegraduationsseemtobetheoneoccasionwhereanyonecan
drink.Atleastitwaslikethatlastyearandthisyear.Iwonder
whatmygraduationwillbelike.Itseemsveryfaraway.
So,mysisterspentthefirsthourofthepartyopeningupallthe
gifts,andhersmilegrewwitheachcheck,sweater,orfiftydollar
bill.Nobodyinourfamilyisrich,butitseemslikeeverybody
savesupjustenoughforthesekindofevents,andweallpretend
we'rerichforaday.
Theonlypeoplewhodidn'tgetmysistermoneyorasweater
weremybrotherandI.Mybrotherpromisedtotakeheroutone
daytoshopforcollegethingslikesoap,whichhewouldpayfor,
andIboughtheralittlehousethatwashandcarvedoutofstone
andpaintedinEngland.ItoldherIwantedtogivehersomething
thatmakesherfeellikeshe'sathomeevenaftershegoesaway.My
sisteractuallykissedmycheekforthat.
Butthebestpartofthepartyhappenedwhenmymothercame
tomeandsaidIhadaphonecall.Iwenttothephone.
"Hello?"
"Charlie?"
"Sam!"
"Whenareyoucomingover?"sheasked."Now!"Isaid.
Then,myfather,whowasdrinkingawhiskeysour,growled,
"You'renotgoinganywhereuntilyourrelativesleave.Youhear
me?"
"Uh,Sam...Ihavetowaitformyrelativestoleave,"Isaid.
"Okay...we'llbehereuntilseven.Then,we'llcallyoufrom
whereverweare."Samreallysoundedhappy.
"Okay,Sam.Congratulations!"
"Thanks,Charlie.Bye."
"Bye."
Ihungupthephone.
Isweartoyou,Ithoughtmyrelativeswouldneverleave.Every
storytheytold.Everypiginablankettheyate.Everyphotograph
theylookedat,andeverytimeIheard"whenyouwerethishigh"
withtheappropriategesture.Itwasliketheclockstopped.It'snot
thatImindedthestoriesbecauseIdidn't.Andthepigsinblankets
werequitegood.ButIwantedtoseeSam.
Atabout9:30,everyonewasstuffedandsober.At9:45,the
hugswereover.At9:50,thedrivewaywasclear.Myfathergave
metwentydollarsandthekeystohiscar,saying,"Thanksfor
stickingaround.Itmeantalottomeandthefamily."Hewastipsy,
butmeantitjustthesame.Samhadtoldmetheyweregoingtoa
danceclubdowntown.So,Iloadedeveryone'sgiftsinmytrunk,
climbedinthecar,anddroveaway.
There'ssomethingaboutthattunnelthatleadstodowntown.It's
gloriousatnight.Justglorious.Youstartononesideofthe
mountain,andit'sdark,andtheradioisloud.Asyouenterthe
tunnel,thewindgetssuckedaway,andyousquintfromthelights
overhead.Whenyouadjusttothelights,youcanseetheotherside
inthedistancejustasthesoundoftheradiofadestonothing
becausethewavesjustcan'treach.Then,you'reinthemiddleof
thetunnel,andeverythingbecomesacalmdream.Asyouseethe
openinggetcloser,youjustcan'tgettherefastenough.And
finally,justwhenyouthinkyou'llnevergetthere,youseethe
openingrightinfrontofyou.Andtheradiocomesbackeven
louderthanyourememberit.Andthewindiswaiting.Andyou
flyoutofthetunnelontothebridge.Andthereitis.Thecity.A
millionlightsandbuildingsandeverythingseemsasexcitingasthe
firsttimeyousawit.Itreallyisagrandentrance.
Afterabouthalfanhourlookingaroundthedanceclub,Ifinally
sawMaryElizabethwithPeter.Theywerebothdrinkingscotch
andsodas,whichPeterboughtsinceheisolderandhadhishand
stamped.IcongratulatedMaryElizabethandaskedwhere
everybodywas.ShetoldmethatAlicewasgettinghighinthe
ladies'roomandSamandPatrickwereonthefloordancing.She
saidtojusthaveaseatuntiltheycomebackbecauseshedidn't
knowwheretheywerespecifically.So,Isatdownandlistenedto
PeterarguewithMaryElizabethabouttheDemocraticcandidates.
Again,theclockseemedtostop.IwantedtoseeSamthatbadly.
Afteraboutthreesongs,SamandPatrickcamebackcompletely
coatedinsweat.
"Charlie!"
Istoodup,andweallhuggedlikewehadn'tseeneachotherin
months.Consideringeverythingthathappened,Iguessthatmakes
sense.Afterweletgo,PatricklayontopofPeterandMary
Elizabethliketheywereasofa.Then,hetookMaryElizabeth's
drinkoutofherhandanddrankit."Hey,asshole"washer
response.Ithinkhewasdrunk,eventhoughhehasn'tbeen
drinkinglately,butPatrickdoesthatstuffsober,soit'shardtotell.
That'swhenSamgrabbedmyhand."Ilovethissong!"
Sheledmetothedancefloor.Andshestarteddancing.AndI
starteddancing.Itwasafastsong,soIwasn'tverygood,butshe
didn'tseemtomind.Wewerejustdancing,andthatwasenough.
Thesongended,andthenaslowonecameon.Shelookedatme.
Ilookedather.Then,shetookmyhandsandpulledmeinto
danceslow.Idon'tknowhowtodanceslowverywelleither,butI
doknowhowtosway.
Herwhispersmelledlikecranberryjuiceandvodka.
"Ilookedforyouintheparkinglottoday."
Ihopedminestillsmelledliketoothpaste.
"Iwaslookingforyou,too."
Then,wewerequietfortherestofthesong.Sheheldmea
littlecloser.Iheldheralittlecloser.Andwekeptdancing.Itwas
theonetimealldaythatIreallywantedtheclocktostop.Andjust
bethereforalongtime.
Afterthedanceclub,wewentbacktoPeter'sapartment,andI
gaveeveryonetheirgraduationpresents.IgaveAliceafilmbook
aboutNightoftheLivingDead,whichsheliked,andIgaveMary
ElizabethacopyofMyLifeasaDogonvideotapewiththe
subtitlesinit,whichsheloved.
Then,IgavePatrickandSamtheirpresents.Ievenwrapped
themupspecial.IusedtheSundayfunnypapersbecausetheyare
incolor.Patricktorethroughhis.Samdidn'tripanyofthepaper.
Shejustpluckedoffthetape.Andtheylookedatwhatwasinside
eachbox.
IgavePatrickOntheRoad,NakedLunch,TheStranger,This
SideofParadise,PeterPan,andASeparatePeace.
IgaveSamToKillaMockingbird,TheCatcherintheRye,The
GreatGatsby,Hamlet,Walden,andTheFountainhead.
UnderthebookswasacardthatIwroteusingthetypewriter
Samboughtme.Thecardssaidthattheseweremycopiesofall
myfavoritebooks,andIwantedSamandPatricktohavethem
becausetheyweremytwofavoritepeopleinthewholeworld.
Whentheybothlookedupfromreading,theywerequiet.
Nobodysmiledorcriedordidanything.Wewerejustopen,
lookingateachother.TheyknewImeantthecardsIwrote.AndI
knewitmeantalottothem.
"Whatdothecardssay?"MaryElizabethasked.
"Doyoumind,Charlie?"Patrickasked.
Ishookmyheadno,andtheyeachreadtheircardswhileIwent
tofillupmycoffeecupwithredwine.
WhenIcameback,theyalllookedatme,andIsaid,"I'mgoing
tomissyouallverymuch.Ihopeyouhaveagreattimeat
college."AndthenIstartedcryingbecauseitsuddenlyhitmethat
theywereallleaving.IthinkPeterthinksI'malittlestrange.So,
Samstoodupandtookmeintothekitchen,tellingmeontheway
therethatitwas"okay."Whenwegottothekitchen,Iwasalittle
morecalm.
Samsaid,"YouknowI'mleavinginaweek,Charlie?"
"Yeah.Iknow."
"Don'tstartcryingagain."
"Okay."
"Iwantyoutolisten."
"Okay."
"I'mreallyscaredtobealoneatcollege."
"Youare?"Iasked.Ineverreallythoughtofthatbefore.
"Justlikeyou'rereallyscaredtobealonehere."
"Okay."Inodded.
"So,I'llmakeyouadeal.Whenthingsgettobetoomuchat
college,I'llcallyou,andwhenthingsgettobetoomuchhere,you
callme."
"Couldwewritelettersbackandforth?"
"Ofcourse,"shesaid.
Then,Istartedcryingagain.Ireallyamarollercoaster
sometimes.ButSamwaspatient.
"Charlie,I'mgoingtobebackattheendofthesummer,but
beforewethinkaboutthat,let'sjustenjoythislastweektogether.
Allofus.Okay?"
Inoddedandcalmeddown.
Wespenttherestofthenightjustdrinkingandlisteningto
musiclikewealwaysdid,butthistimeitwasatPeter's,anditwas
betterthanCraig's,actually,becausePeterhasabettermusic
collection.Itwasaboutoneo'clockinthemorningwhenit
suddenlyoccurredtome.
"OhmyGod!"Isaid.
"What'swrong,Charlie?"
"Tomorrow'saschoolday!"
Idon'tthinkIcouldhavemadethemlaughharder.
Petertookmeintothekitchentomakecoffee,soIcouldsober
uptodrivehome.Ihadabouteightcupsinarowandwasreadyto
driveinabouttwentyminutes.Theproblemwas,bythetimeIgot
home,Iwassoawakefromthecoffee,Icouldn'tfallasleep.By
thetimeIgottoschool,Ifeltlikedying.Luckily,allthefinals
wereover,andallwedidalldaywaswatchfilmstrips.Idon't
thinkIeversleptbetter.Iwasglad,too,becauseschoolreallyis
lonelywithoutthem.
TodaywasdifferentbecauseIdidn'tsleep,andIdidn'tgettosee
SamorPatricklastnightbecausetheywerehavingaspecialdinner
outwiththeirparents.Andmybrotherwasonadatewithoneof
thegirlswhowas"lookinggood"atgraduation.Mysisterwas
busywithherboyfriend.Andmymomanddadwerestilltired
fromthegraduationparty.
Today,prettymucheveryteacherjustletthekidssitaroundand
talkafterwehandedinourtextbooks.Ihonestlydidn'tknow
anybody,exceptmaybeforSusan,butafterthattimeinthehallway,
she'savoidedmemorethanever.So,Ididn'treallytalk.Theonly
goodclasswasBill'sbecauseIgottotalktoBill.Itwashard
sayinggoodbyetohimafterclasswasover,buthesaidthatit
wasn'tgoodbye.IcouldcallhimanytimeoverthesummerifI
wantedtotalkorborrowbooks,andthatmademefeelalittle
better.
ThisonekidwithcrookedteethnamedLeonardcalledmea
"teacher'spet"inthehallwayafterBill'sclass,butIdidn'tmind
becauseIthinkhemissedthepointsomewhere.
Iatelunchoutsideonabenchwhereweallusedtosmoke.
AfterIatemyHoHo,Ilitupacigarette,andIwaskindofhoping
someonewouldaskmeforone,butnoonedid.
Whenthelastclasswasover,everyonewascheeringand
makingplanswitheachotherforthesummer.Andeveryonewas
clearingouttheirlockersbythrowingtheiroldpapersandnotes
andbooksonthehallwayfloor.WhenIgottomylocker,Isawthis
skinnykidwhohadthelockernexttomeallyear.Ihadnever
reallytalkedtohimbefore.
Iclearedmythroatandsaid,"Hey.MynameisCharlie."
Allhesaidwas,"Iknow."
Then,heclosedhislockerdoorandwalkedaway.
So,Ijustopenedmylocker,putallmyoldpapersandthingsin
mybackpack,andwalkedoverthedebrisofbooksandpapersand
notesinthehallwaytotheparkinglotoutside.Then,Igotonthe
bus.Then,Iwrotethislettertoyou.
I'mactuallyreallygladthattheschoolyearisover.Iwantto
spendalotoftimewitheveryonebeforetheyleave.Especially
Sam.
Bytheway,IendedupgettingstraightA'sthiswholeyear.My
motherwasveryproudandputmyreportcardontherefrigerator.
Lovealways,
Charlie
ThenightbeforeSamwasgoingtoleavemadethewholeweek
ablur.Samwasfranticbecausenotonlydidsheneedtospend
timewithus,butshehadtogetreadytogo.Buyingthings.
Packingthings.Thingslikethat.
Everynight,wewouldallgettogetherafterSamhadjustsaid
goodbyetosomeuncleorhadanotherlunchwithhermomorhad
donemoreshoppingforschoolthings.Shewasscared,andit
wasn'tuntilshehadasipofwhateverweweredrinkingorahitoff
ofwhateverweweresmokingthatshewouldcalmdownandbethe
sameSam.
TheonethingthatreallyhelpedSamthroughherweekwasher
lunchwithCraig.Shesaidshewantedtoseehimtohavesome
kindof"closure,"andIguessshewasluckyenoughtogetit
becauseCraigwasniceenoughtotellherthatshewasrightto
breakupwithhim.Andthatshewasaspecialperson.Andthathe
wassorryandwishedherwell.It'sstrangethetimespeoplechoose
tobegenerous.
ThebestpartwasthatSamsaidshedidn'taskhimaboutthe
girlshemightbedatingeventhoughshewantedtoknow.She
wasn'tbitter.Shewassad,though.Butitwasahopefulkindof
sad.Thekindofsadthatjusttakestime.
Onthenightbeforesheleft,wewereallthereatSamand
Patrick'shouse.Bob,Alice,MaryElizabeth(withoutPeter),andI.
Wejustsatontheruginthe"games"room,rememberingthings.
RemembertheshowwherePatrickdidthis...orremember
whenBobdidthis...orCharlie...orMaryElizabeth...orAlice
...orSam...
Theinsidejokesweren'tjokesanymore.Theyhadbecome
stories.Nobodybroughtupthebadnamesorthebadtimes.And
nobodyfeltsadaslongaswecouldpostponetomorrowwithmore
nostalgia.
Afterawhile,MaryElizabethandBobandAliceleft,saying
theywouldbebackinthemorningtoseeSamoff.So,itwasjust
me,Patrick,andSam.Justsittingthere.Notsayingmuch.Until
westartedourownrememberwhen.
RememberwhenCharliefirstcametousatthefootballgame...
andrememberwhenCharlielettheairoutofDave'stiresatthe
homecomingdance...andrememberthepoem...andthemix
tape...andPunkRockyincolor...andrememberwhenweallfelt
infinite...
AfterIsaidthat,weallgotquietandsad.Inthesilence,I
rememberedthisonetimethatInevertoldanybodyabout.The
timewewerewalking.Justthethreeofus.AndIwasinthe
middle.Idon'trememberwherewewerewalkingtoorwherewe
werewalkingfrom.Idon'tevenremembertheseason.Ijust
rememberwalkingbetweenthemandfeelingforthefirsttimethat
Ibelongedsomewhere.
Finally,Patrickstoodup.
"I'mtired,guys.Goodnight."
Then,hemessedupourhairandwentuptohisroom.Sam
turnedtome.
"Charlie,Ihavetopackupsomethings.Wouldyoustaywith
meforawhile?"
Inodded,andwewentupstairs.
Asweenteredherroom,Inoticedhowdifferentitlookedfrom
thenightSamkissedme.Thepicturesweredown,andthedressers
wereempty,andeverythingwasinabigpileonthebed.Isaidto
myselfthatIwouldnotcrynomatterwhatbecauseIdidn'twantto
makeSamfeelanymorepanickedthanshealreadywas.
So,Ijustwatchedherpack,andItriedtonoticeasmanydetails
asIpossiblycould.Herlonghairandherthinwristsandhergreen
eyes.Iwantedtoremembereverything.Especiallythesoundof
hervoice.
Samtalkedaboutalotofthings,tryingtokeepherself
distracted.Shetalkedaboutwhatalongdrivetheyhadtomorrow
andhowherparentshadrentedavan.Shewonderedwhather
classeswouldbelikeandwhathereventual"major"wouldbe.She
saidshedidn'twanttojoinasororitybutwaslookingforwardto
thefootballgames.Shewasjustgettingmoreandmoresad.
Finally,sheturnedaround.
"Whydidn'tyouaskmeoutwhenthewholeCraigthing
happened?"
Ijustsatthere.Ididn'tknowwhattosay.Shesaiditsoft.
"Charlie...afterthatthingwithMaryElizabethatthepartyand
usdancingattheclubandeverything..."
Ididn'tknowwhattosay.Honestly,Iwaslost.
"Okay,Charlie...I'llmakethiseasy.Whenthatwholething
withCraighappened,whatdidyouthink?"Shereallywantedto
know.
Isaid,"Well,Ithoughtalotofthings.Butmostly,Ithought
thatyourbeingsadwasmuchmoreimportanttomethanCraignot
beingyourboyfriendanymore.AndifitmeantthatIwouldnever
gettothinkofyouthatway,aslongasyouwerehappy,itwasokay.
That'swhenIrealizedthatIreallylovedyou."
Shesatdownonthefloorwithme.Shespokequiet.
"Charlie,don'tyougetit?Ican'tfeelthat.It'ssweetand
everything,butit'slikeyou'renoteventheresometimes.It'sgreat
thatyoucanlistenandbeashouldertosomeone,butwhatabout
whensomeonedoesn'tneedashoulder.Whatiftheyneedthe
armsorsomethinglikethat?Youcan'tjustsitthereandput
everybody'slivesaheadofyoursandthinkthatcountsaslove.You
justcan't.Youhavetodothings."
"Likewhat?"Iasked.Mymouthwasdry.
"Idon'tknow.Liketaketheirhandswhentheslowsongcomes
upforachange.Orbetheonewhoaskssomeoneforadate.Or
tellpeoplewhatyouneed.Orwhatyouwant.Likeonthedance
floor,didyouwanttokissme?"
"Yeah,"Isaid.
"Then,whydidn'tyou?"sheaskedrealserious.
"BecauseIdidn'tthinkyouwantedmeto."
"Whydidyouthinkthat?"
"Becauseofwhatyousaid."
"WhatIsaidninemonthsago?WhenItoldyounottothinkof
methatway?"
Inodded.
"Charlie,IalsotoldyounottotellMaryElizabethshewas
pretty.Andtoaskheralotofquestionsandnotinterrupther.Now
she'swithaguywhodoestheexactopposite.Anditworks
becausethat'swhoPeterreallyis.He'sbeinghimself.Andhe
doesthings."
"ButIdidn'tlikeMaryElizabeth."
"Charlie,you'remissingthepoint.ThepointisthatIdon't
thinkyouwouldhaveacteddifferentevenifyoudidlikeMary
Elizabeth.It'slikeyoucancometoPatrick'srescueandhurttwo
guysthataretryingtohurthim,butwhataboutwhenPatrick's
hurtinghimself?Likewhenyouguyswenttothatpark?Orwhen
hewaskissingyou?Didyouwanthimtokissyou?"
Ishookmyheadno.
"So,whydidyoulethim?"
"Iwasjusttryingtobeafriend,"Isaid.
"Butyouweren't,Charlie.Atthosetimes,youweren'tbeinghis
friendatall.Becauseyouweren'thonestwithhim."
Isatthereverystill.Ilookedatthefloor.Ididn'tsayanything.
Veryuncomfortable.
"Charlie,Itoldyounottothinkofmethatwayninemonthsago
becauseofwhatI'msayingnow.NotbecauseofCraig.Not
becauseIdidn'tthinkyouweregreat.It'sjustthatIdon'twantto
besomebody'scrush.Ifsomebodylikesme,Iwantthemtolike
therealme,notwhattheythinkIam.AndIdon'twantthemto
carryitaroundinside.Iwantthemtoshowme,soIcanfeelit,
too.Iwantthemtobeabletodowhatevertheywantaroundme.
AndiftheydosomethingIdon'tlike,I'lltellthem."
Shewasstartingtocryalittle.Butshewasn'tsad.
"YouknowIblamedCraigfornotlettingmedothings?You
knowhowstupidIfeelaboutthatnow?Maybehedidn'treally
encouragemetodothings,buthedidn'tpreventmefromdoing
themeither.Butafterawhile,Ididn'tdothingsbecauseIdidn't
wanthimtothinkdifferentaboutme.Butthethingis,Iwasn't
beinghonest.So,whywouldIcarewhetherornothelovedme
whenhedidn'treallyevenknowme?"
Ilookedupather.Shehadstoppedcrying.
"So,tomorrow,I'mleaving.AndI'mnotgoingtoletthat
happenagainwithanyoneelse.I'mgoingtodowhatIwanttodo.
I'mgoingtobewhoIreallyam.AndI'mgoingtofigureoutwhat
thatis.ButrightnowI'mherewithyou.AndIwanttoknow
whereyouare,whatyouneed,andwhatyouwanttodo."
Shewaitedpatientlyformyanswer.Butaftereverythingshe
said,IfiguredthatIshouldjustdowhatIwantedtodo.Notthink
aboutit.Notsayitoutloud.Andifshedidn'tlikeit,thenshe
couldjustsayso.Andwecouldgobacktopacking.
So,Ikissedher.Andshekissedmeback.Andwelaydownon
thefloorandkeptkissing.Anditwassoft.Andwemadequiet
noises.Andkeptsilent.Andstill.Wewentovertothebedand
laydownonallthethingsthatweren'tputinsuitcases.Andwe
touchedeachotherfromthewaistupoverourclothes.Andthen
underourclothes.Andthenwithoutclothes.Anditwasso
beautiful.Shewassobeautiful.Shetookmyhandandslidit
underherpants.AndItouchedher.AndIjustcouldn'tbelieveit.
Itwaslikeeverythingmadesense.Untilshemovedherhandunder
mypants,andshetouchedme.
That'swhenIstoppedher.
"What'swrong?"sheasked."Didthathurt?"
Ishookmyhead.Itfeltgoodactually.Ididn'tknowwhatwas
wrong.
"I'msorry.Ididn'tmeanto"
"No.Don'tbesorry,"Isaid.
"But,Ifeelbad,"shesaid.
"Pleasedon'tfeelbad.Itwasverynice,"Isaid.Iwasstarting
togetreallyupset.
"You'renotready?"sheasked.
Inodded.Butthatwasn'tit.Ididn'tknowwhatitwas.
"It'sokaythatyou'renotready,"shesaid.Shewasbeingreally
nicetome,butIwasjustfeelingsobad.
"Charlie,doyouwanttogohome?"sheasked.
IguessInoddedbecauseshehelpedmegetdressed.Andthen
sheputonhershirt.AndIwantedtokickmyselfforbeingsucha
baby.BecauseIlovedSam.Andweweretogether.AndIwas
ruiningit.Justruiningit.Justterrible.Ifeltsoterrible.
Shetookmeoutside.
"Doyouneedaride?"sheasked.Ihadmyfather'scar.Iwasn't
drunk.Shelookedreallyworried.
"No,thanks."
"Charlie,I'mnotgoingtoletyoudrivelikethis."
"I'msorry.I'llwalkthen,"Isaid.
"It'stwoo'clockinthemorning.I'mdrivingyouhome."
Shewenttoanotherroomtogetthecarkeys.Ijuststoodinthe
entryhall.IfeltlikeIwantedtodie.
"You'rewhiteasasheet,Charlie.Doyouneedsomewater?"
"No.Idon'tknow."Istartedtocryreallyhard.
"Here.Justliedownonthecouch,"shesaid.
Shelaidmedownonthecouch.Shebroughtoutadamp
washclothandputitonmyforehead.
"Youcansleepheretonight.Okay?"
"Okay."
"Justcalmdown.Takedeepbreaths."
Ididwhatshetoldme.AndjustbeforeIfellasleep,Isaid
something.
"Ican'tdothatanymore.I'msorry,"Isaid.
"It'sokay,Charlie.Justgotosleep,"Samsaid.
ButIwasn'ttalkingtoSamanymore.Iwastalkingtosomeone
else.
WhenIfellasleep,Ihadthisdream.Mybrotherandmysister
andIwerewatchingtelevisionwithmyAuntHelen.Everything
wasinslowmotion.Thesoundwasthick.Andshewasdoing
whatSamwasdoing.That'swhenIwokeup.AndIdidn'tknow
whatthehellwasgoingon.SamandPatrickwerestandingover
me.PatrickaskedifIwantedsomebreakfast.IguessInodded.
Wewentandate.Samstilllookedworried.Patricklooked
normal.Wehadbaconandeggswiththeirparents,andeveryone
madesmalltalk.Idon'tknowwhyI'mtellingyouaboutbaconand
eggs.It'snotimportant.It'snotimportantatall.MaryElizabeth
andeveryonecameover,andwhileSam'smomwasbusychecking
everythingtwice,weallwalkedtothedriveway.SamandPatrick's
parentsgotinthevan.Patrickgotinthedriver'ssideofSam's
pickuptruck,tellingeveryonehe'dseetheminacoupleofdays.
Then,Samhuggedandsaidgoodbyetoeveryone.Sinceshewas
comingbackforafewdaystowardtheendofthesummer,itwas
moreofa"seeya"thanagoodbye.
Iwaslast.Samwalkedupandheldmeforalongtime.Finally,
shewhisperedinmyear.Shesaidalotofwonderfulthingsabout
howitwasokaythatIwasn'treadylastnightandhowshewould
missmeandhowshewantedmetotakecareofmyselfwhileshe
wasgone.
"You'remybestfriend,"wasallIcouldsayinreturn.
Shesmiledandkissedmycheek,anditwaslikeforamoment,
thebadpartoflastnightdisappeared.Butitstillfeltlikeagood
byeratherthana"seeya."Thethingwas,Ididn'tcry.Ididn't
knowwhatIfelt.
Finally,Samclimbedintoherpickup,andPatrickstarteditup.
Andagreatsongwasplaying.Andeveryonesmiled.Including
me.ButIwasn'tthereanymore.
Itwasn'tuntilIcouldn'tseethecarsthatIcamebackandthings
startedfeelingbadagain.Butthistime,theyfeltmuchworse.
MaryElizabethandeveryonewerecryingnow,andtheyaskedme
ifIwantedtogototheBigBoyorsomething.Itoldthemno.
Thankyou.Ineedtogohome.
"Areyouokay,Charlie?"MaryElizabethasked.IguessIwas
startingtolookbadagainbecauseshelookedworried.
"I'mfine.I'mjusttired,"Ilied.Igotinmydad'scar,anddrove
away.AndIcouldhearallthesesongsontheradio,buttheradio
wasn'ton.AndwhenIgotintothedriveway,IthinkIforgotto
turnoffthecar.Ijustwenttothecouchinthefamilyroomwhere
theTVis.AndIcouldseetheTVshows,buttheTVwasn'ton.
Idon'tknowwhat'swrongwithme.It'slikeallIcandoiskeep
writingthisgibberishtokeepfrombreakingapart.Sam'sgone.
AndPatrickwon'tbehomeforafewdays.AndIjustcouldn'ttalk
withMaryElizabethoranybodyormybrotheroranybodyinmy
family.ExceptmaybemyauntHelen.Butshe'sgone.Andevenif
shewerehere,Idon'tthinkIcouldtalktohereither.BecauseI'm
startingtofeellikewhatIdreamtaboutherlastnightwastrue.
Andmypsychiatrist'squestionsweren'tweirdafterall.
Idon'tknowwhatI'msupposedtodonow.Iknowotherpeople
haveitalotworse.Idoknowthat,butit'scrashinginanyway,and
Ijustcan'tstopthinkingthatthelittlekideatingfrenchfrieswith
hismomintheshoppingmallisgoingtogrowupandhitmysister.
I'ddoanythingnottothinkthat.IknowI'mthinkingtoofast
again,andit'sallinmyheadlikethetrance,butit'sthere,andit
won'tgoaway.Ijustkeepseeinghim,andhekeepshittingmy
sister,andhewon'tstop,andIwanthimtostopbecausehedoesn't
meanit,buthejustdoesn'tlisten,andIdon'tknowwhattodo.
I'msorry,butIhavetostopthisletternow.
Butfirst,Iwanttothankyouforbeingoneofthosepeoplewho
listensandunderstandsanddoesn'ttrytosleepwithpeopleeven
thoughyoucouldhave.Ireallymeanit,andI'msorryI'veputyou
throughthiswhenyoudon'tevenknowwhoIam,andwe'venever
metinperson,andIcan'ttellyouwhoIambecauseIpromisedto
keepallthoselittlesecrets.Ijustdon'twantyoutothinkthatI
pickedyournameoutofthephonebook.Itwouldkillmeifyou
thoughtthat.So,pleasebelievemewhenItellyouthatIfelt
terribleafterMichaeldied,andIsawagirlinclass,whodidn't
noticeme,andshetalkedallaboutyoutoafriendofhers.And
eventhoughIdidn'tknowyou,IfeltlikeIdidbecauseyou
soundedlikesuchagoodperson.Thekindofpersonwhowouldn't
mindreceivinglettersfromakid.Thekindofpersonwhowould
understandhowtheywerebetterthanadiarybecausethereis
communionandadiarycanbefound.Ijustdon'twantyouto
worryaboutme,orthinkthatyou'vemetme,orwasteyourtime
anymore.I'msosorrythatIwastedyourtimebecauseyoureally
domeanalottomeandIhopeyouhaveaverynicelifebecauseI
reallythinkyoudeserveit.Ireallydo.Ihopeyoudo,too.Okay,
then.Goodbye.
Lovealways,
Charlie
epilogue
August23,1992Dearfriend,
I'vebeeninthehospitalforthepasttwomonths.Theyjust
releasedmeyesterday.Thedoctortoldmethatmymotherand
fatherfoundmesittingonthecouchinthefamilyroom.Iwas
completelynaked,justwatchingthetelevision,whichwasn'ton.I
wouldn'tspeakorsnapoutofit,theysaid.Myfatherevenslapped
metowakemeup,andlikeItoldyou,heneverhits.Butitdidn't
work.So,theybroughtmetothehospitalwhereIstayedwhenI
wassevenaftermyauntHelendied.TheytoldmeIdidn'tspeakor
acknowledgeanyoneforaweek.NotevenPatrick,whomIguess
visitedmeduringthattime.It'sscarytothinkabout.
AllIrememberisputtingtheletterinthemailbox.Thenext
thingIknew,Iwassittinginadoctor'soffice.AndIremembered
myauntHelen.AndIstartedtocry.Andthedoctor,whoturned
outtobeaverynicewoman,startedaskingmequestions.WhichI
answered.
Idon'treallywanttotalkaboutthequestionsandtheanswers.
ButIkindoffiguredoutthateverythingIdreamtaboutmyaunt
Helenwastrue.Andafterawhile,Irealizedthatithappened
everySaturdaywhenwewouldwatchtelevision.
Thefirstfewweeksinthehospitalwereveryhard.
Thehardestpartwassittinginthedoctor'sofficewhenthe
doctortoldmymomanddadwhathadhappened.Ihaveneverseen
mymothercrysomuch.Ormyfatherlooksoangry.Because
theydidn'tknowitwashappeningwhenitwas.
Butthedoctorhashelpedmeworkoutalotofthingssince
then.AboutmyauntHelen.Andaboutmyfamily.Andfriends.
Andme.Therearealotofstagestothesekindsofthings,andshe
wasreallygreatthroughallofthem.
Thethingthathelpedmethemost,though,wasthetimeIcould
havevisitors.Myfamily,includingmybrotherandsister,always
cameforthosedaysuntilmybrotherhadtogobacktoschoolto
playfootball.Afterthat,myfamilycamewithoutmybrother,and
mybrothersentmecards.Heeventoldmeonhislastcardthathe
readmyreportonWaldenandlikeditalot,whichmademefeel
reallygood.JustlikethefirsttimeIsawPatrick.Thebestthing
aboutPatrickisthatevenwhenyou'reinahospital,hedoesn't
change.Hejustcracksjokestomakeyoufeelbetterinsteadof
askingyouquestionsaboutfeelingworse.Heevenbroughtmea
letterfromSam,andSamsaidthatshewascomingbackattheend
ofAugust,andifIgotbetterbythen,sheandPatrickwoulddrive
methroughthetunnel.Andthistime,Icouldstandinthebackof
thepickuptruckifIwantedto.Thingslikethathelpedmorethan
anything.
ThedayswhenIreceivedmailweregood,too.Mygrandfather
sentmeareallyniceletter.Sodidmygreataunt.Sodidmy
grandmaandGreatUnclePhil.MyAuntRebeccaevensentme
flowerswithacardthatwassignedbyallmyOhiocousins.Itwas
nicetoknowthattheywerethinkingaboutmejustlikeitwasnice
thetimePatrickbroughtMaryElizabethandAliceandBoband
everyoneforavisit.IncludingPeterandCraig.Iguessthey're
friendsagain.AndIwasgladtheywere.JustlikeIwasgladthat
MaryElizabethdidmostofthetalking.Becauseitmadethings
feelmorenormal.MaryElizabethevenstayedalittlelaterthanthe
others.Iwassohappytohaveachancetotalkwithheralone
beforesheleftforBerkeley.JustlikeIwashappyforBillandhis
girlfrwhentheycametoseemetwoweeksago.They'regetting
marriedthisNovember,andtheywantmetogototheirwedding.
It'snicetohavethingstolookforwardto.
Thetimeitstartedtofeellikeeverythingwasgoingtobeall
rightwasthetimewhenmysisterandbrotherstayedaftermy
parentshadleft.ThiswassometimeinJuly.Theyaskedmealot
ofquestionsaboutAuntHelenbecauseIguessnothinghadever
happenedtothem.Andmybrotherlookedreallysad.Andmy
sisterlookedreallymad.Itwasatthattimethatthingsstartedto
getclearerbecausetherewasnobodytohateanymoreafterthat.
WhatImeanisthatIlookedatmybrotherandsister,andI
thoughtthatmaybesomedaytheywouldbeanauntanduncle,just
likeIwouldbeanuncle.JustlikemymotherandAuntHelenwere
sisters.
Andwecouldallsitaroundandwonderandfeelbadabouteach
otherandblamealotofpeopleforwhattheydidordidn'tdoor
whattheydidn'tknow.Idon'tknow.Iguesstherecouldalwaysbe
someonetoblame.Maybeifmygrandfatherdidn'thither,my
momwouldn'tbesoquiet.Andmaybeshewouldn'thavemarried
mydadbecausehedoesn'thit.AndmaybeIwouldneverhave
beenborn.ButI'mverygladtohavebeenborn,soIdon'tknow
whattosayaboutitallespeciallysincemymomseemshappywith
herlife,andIdon'tknowwhatelsethereistowant.
It'slikeifIblamedmyauntHelen,Iwouldhavetoblameher
dadforhittingherandthefriendofthefamilythatfooledaround
withherwhenshewaslittle.Andthepersonthatfooledaround
withhim.AndGodfornotstoppingallthisandthingsthatare
muchworse.AndIdiddothatforawhile,butthenIjustcouldn't
anymore.Becauseitwasn'tgoinganywhere.Becauseitwasn'tthe
point.
I'mnotthewayIambecauseofwhatIdreamtandremembered
aboutmyauntHelen.That'swhatIfiguredoutwhenthingsgot
quiet.AndIthinkthat'sveryimportanttoknow.Itmadethings
feelclearandtogether.Don'tgetmewrong.Iknowwhat
happenedwasimportant.AndIneededtorememberit.Butit's
likewhenmydoctortoldmethestoryofthesetwobrotherswhose
dadwasabadalcoholic.Onebrothergrewuptobeasuccessful
carpenterwhoneverdrank.Theotherbrotherendedupbeinga
drinkerasbadashisdadwas.Whentheyaskedthefirstbrother
whyhedidn'tdrink,hesaidthatafterhesawwhatitdidtohis
father,hecouldneverbringhimselftoeventryit.Whenthey
askedtheotherbrother,hesaidthatheguessedhelearnedhowto
drinkonhisfather'sknee.So,Iguesswearewhoweareforalot
ofreasons.Andmaybewe'llneverknowmostofthem.Buteven
ifwedon'thavethepowertochoosewherewecomefrom,wecan
stillchoosewherewegofromthere.Wecanstilldothings.And
wecantrytofeelokayaboutthem.
IthinkthatifIeverhavekids,andtheyareupset,Iwon'ttell
themthatpeoplearestarvinginChinaoranythinglikethat
becauseitwouldn'tchangethefactthattheywereupset.Andeven
ifsomebodyelsehasitmuchworse,thatdoesn'treallychangethe
factthatyouhavewhatyouhave.Goodandbad.Justlikewhatmy
sistersaidwhenIhadbeeninthehospitalforawhile.Shesaid
thatshewasreallyworriedaboutgoingtocollege,andconsidering
whatIwasgoingthrough,shefeltreallydumbaboutit.ButIdon't
knowwhyshewouldfeeldumb.I'dbeworried,too.Andreally,I
don'tthinkIhaveitanybetterorworsethanshedoes.Idon't
know.It'sjustdifferent.Maybeit'sgoodtoputthingsin
perspective,butsometimes,Ithinkthattheonlyperspectiveisto
reallybethere.LikeSamsaid.Becauseit'sokaytofeelthings.
Andbewhoyouareaboutthem.
WhenIgotreleasedyesterday,mymomdrovemehome.Itwas
intheafternoon,andsheaskedmeifIwashungry.AndIsaidyes.
Then,sheaskedmewhatIwanted,andItoldherIwantedtogoto
McDonald'slikewedidwhenIwaslittleandgotsickandstayed
homefromschool.So,wewentthere.Anditwassonicetobe
withmymomandeatfrenchfries.Andlaterthatnighttobewith
myfamilyatdinnertimeandhavethingsjustbeliketheyalways
were.Thatwastheamazingpart.Thingsjustkeepgoing.We
didn'ttalkaboutanythingheavyorlight.Wewerejustthere
together.Andthatwasenough.
So,todaymyfatherwenttowork.Andmymothertookmy
sisterandmeouttotakecareoflastminutethingsformysister
sinceshe'sleavingforcollegeinafewdays.Whenwegotback,I
calledPatrick'shousebecausehesaidthatSamshouldbehomeby
then.Samansweredthephone.Anditwassonicetohearher
voice.
Later,theycamebyinSam'spickuptruck.Andwewenttothe
BigBoyjustlikewealwaysdid.Samtoldusaboutherlifeat
school,whichsoundedveryexciting.AndItoldheraboutmylife
inthehospital,whichdidn't.AndPatrickmadejokestokeep
everyonehonest.Afterweleft,wegotinSam'spickuptruck,and
justlikeSampromised,wedrovetothetunnel.
Abouthalfamilefromthetunnel,Samstoppedthecar,andI
climbedinback.PatrickplayedtheradioreallyloudsoIcould
hearit,andaswewereapproachingthetunnel,Ilistenedtothe
musicandthoughtaboutallthethingsthatpeoplehavesaidtome
overthepastyear.IthoughtaboutBilltellingmeIwasspecial.
Andmysistersayingshelovedme.Andmymom,too.Andeven
mydadandbrotherwhenIwasinthehospital.Ithoughtabout
Patrickcallingmehisfriend.AndIthoughtaboutSamtellingme
todothings.Toreallybethere.AndIjustthoughthowgreatit
wastohavefriendsandafamily.
AswewentintothetunnelIdidn'tholdupmyarmslikeIwas
flying.Ijustletthewindrushovermyface.AndIstartedcrying
andsmilingatthesametime.BecauseIcouldn'thelpfeelingjust
howmuchIlovedmyauntHelenforbuyingmetwopresents.And
howmuchIwantedthepresentIboughtmymomformybirthday
tobereallyspecial.AndhowmuchIwantedmysisterandbrother
andSamandPatrickandeveryoneelsetobehappy.
Butmostly,IwascryingbecauseIwassuddenlyveryawareof
thefactthatitwasmestandingupinthattunnelwiththewindover
myface.NotcaringifIsawdowntown.Noteventhinkingabout
it.BecauseIwasstandinginthetunnel.AndIwasreallythere.
Andthatwasenoughtomakemefeelinfinite.
Tomorrow,Istartmysophomoreyearofhighschool.And
believeitornot,I'mreallynotthatafraidofgoing.I'mnotsureifI
willhavethetimetowriteanymorelettersbecauseImightbetoo
busytryingto"participate."
So,ifthisdoesendupbeingmylastletter,pleasebelievethat
thingsaregoodwithme,andevenwhenthey'renot,theywillbe
soonenough.
AndIwillbelievethesameaboutyou.
Lovealways,
Charlie
THEEND

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