Introduction

From Sabrina Alexis

The following is a story that may resonate with more
than a few of
you. Actually, based on the Ask a Guy questions we
receive, I know it
will.
It was a Saturday afternoon. I met up with a group of
friends at a
bar to watch some sports game. I spotted him right
away and felt that
familiar flutter. The bar was small and a game of cat and
mouse
ensued. Eye contactlook awaylook over again, oh
man, he's not
looking anymore. Talk to friends, a slow, sly shift of the
eyes back his
way andwe have contact again! I stealthily make my
way to the bar
to get another round (and not at all because he happens
to be
standing there), and finally, an excuse emerges for him
to get the
conversation going.
"Oh wow, double fisting? You must really be on a
mission!" he
says.
"Ha, well this one is actually for my friend," I casually
reply.
"Sure, sure" he smiles. "By the way, I'm Kevin."
Nice to meet you, Im Sabrina. And we have lift-off!
We spend the rest of the afternoon chatting and
watching the
game (or pretending to, in my case). One of his friends
hits it off with
one of my friends and soon the four of us are off to a
different bar to
play a game of pool, and then to another bar for a
change of scenery.
Before I know it, its getting dark and Im running late
for dinner with
my parents.
"Will you come meet up with us after dinner?" he
implores,
Introduction
5
disarming me with his utter adorableness.
"Yeah, totally. As long as Im not too tired, it's been a
long day!"
"I don't think you're gonna come."
"I promise I'll try."
"Okay, well I really hope you do."
I go to dinner still buzzing off the high of a magical
meeting. I try to
eat and make conversation, but an overpowering voice
inside keeps
pestering me to check my phone to see if he texted. I
check
oncetwicethree timesmake a vow not to check
again for ten
minutes, stare at my watch, begging it to hurry up,
check again,
repeat, repeat, repeat.
He eventually does text, putting a much-needed end to
my inner
turmoil. He tells me where he is and asks if Im coming
to meet. I
pretend to be unsure, he begs a little more, Ill pay for
the cab! Stay
for just one drink! Come for 15 minutes! Just please come!
As soon as the check is paid, I head back into the night
for the
final stretch of what felt like the worlds longest first
date.
The second I arrive, he rushes to the door to greet me,
much like
a puppy rushes to its master after a long and painful
day of solitude.
You made it! Im so happy to see you, he says with an
enormous
self-satisfied grin.
Aw, thats sweet. I smile back, feeling quite impressed
with
myself for playing my cards so perfectly.
Kevin and I had our first official date later in the week
and from there,
what felt like an effortless new relationship started to
blossom. In the
beginning, my overwhelming fear of getting hurt caused
me to hold
back and I proceeded with utmost caution. I was also
entrenched in a
Introduction
6
crazy time in my life, a time known as New York Fashion
Week. My
days were jam-packed from seven a.m. until the wee
hours of the
morning, and in between all the shows and parties, I
had tight
deadlines to meet. I tried to squeeze in Kevin when I
could, but
spending time together usually involved him tagging
along to some
fashion party I was covering.
The glamour of it all soon came to an end. Once I was
back in the
real world, it was time to have a real relationship.
Things were far less
glamorous, but still effortless and fun. We were
spending more and
more time together: dinners, brunches, moviesall the
usual couple
stuff. In fact, it felt like my first real grown-up
relationship. Kevin was
very open about his feelings for me, unlike guys I had
dated in the
past. He wasnt shy about telling me how much he
cared and it didnt
take long for my initial hesitation to melt away.
Then things started to shift. He was suddenly
swamped at work,
he would go a few days without contacting me, his
messages got
shorter, and he would cancel plans last minute. Busy
weeks are
understandable, so I let it slide, taking comfort in the
fact that at least
he was keeping me in the loop via text and e-mail (Can't
make it
tonight, have to stay in the office until midnightSo sorry I
haven't
called in a few days, work has been nuts, thinking about you
though!).
Things trudged on like this for a bit until the calls and
texts
stopped entirely. After a week of no contact, I received
a text from
Kevin asking me how Paris Fashion Week had been for
me (Um, I
didn't go to Paris for Fashion WeekYou didn't? I just
assumed you
would be there...Wouldn't I have mentioned that to you?... I
don't
know, just assumed). I wrote this off as an innocent
misunderstanding
and felt a deluded sense of relief (Oh! So he thought I was
in Paris
this whole time, no wonder he didn't call or text! How silly!).
We hung
out one final time following that exchange and then.
silence.
After three weeks of not hearing a peep, I closed the
book on
Introduction
7
Kevin. I was immensely confused, yet somehow not
convinced that
this was the end of us. Everything was going so well, it
can't end like
this! I wont allow it!
Well it didn't end in silence. Oh no, the real ending was
just so
much better.
One night I received a highly unexpected phone call
from a
number I couldnt muster the strength to delete. After
one chime of
my ringtone, my hurt and confusion morph into relief
and elation. I
decide to forgive him before even answering the phone,
resolving to
play it cool and collected.
Hi!(Mental note: dial down the enthusiasm, jeez!)
Hey It's Kevin, he says, his voice low and seductive.
Yeah, I know. It's been a while, how've you been?
Im good. Sohow was that day off?
What do you mean? I didn't have a day off.
Yeahthat day off you were looking forward to. You
were talking
about it the other night.
Um, no I wasnt because I didnt have a day off and I
havent
spoken to you in weeks
Wait. Oh my God. Crap. (End call)
I stare at my Blackberry in stunned silence. What the
hell was
that? That could not have been what I think it was. No way,
no how.
This is a mix up, a silly misunderstanding. Im sure I had a
day off a
while ago and hes confused. Yes, thats it!
I call him back. No answer. I send a text: "I don't know
what just
happened, but that was really weird and I think you owe
me an
explanation." (Spoiler alert: it's been about five years
and Im still
Introduction
8
waiting for a response.)
As I stood there, trying to pick up my jaw from the floor
while
mentally debating whether I should laugh or cry, my
male roommate,
David, burst through the door with a few of his guy
friends.
"Sabrina, get dressed. We're going to a party!" he shouts
from the
hall.
"I can't. I think Kevin just dumped me by accidentally
calling me
thinking he was calling a new girl he's seeing."
"What? Oh man, that sucks. Well, get dressed. The party
will
make you feel better."
"I can't go. I think I need to stay in and feel sorry for
myself. Yes,
that is totally the appropriate move."
Cue David and his friends storming into my room to
berate me for
being ridiculous and irrational.
So youre just gonna sit in your room and feel sorry for
yourself all
night?
Yes. Im a girl and that is just how its done.
There will be tons of guys at the party, youll find
someone else.
No, I hate boys. I hate them all! I hate all of you!
Youre such a girl.
I am not! You dont get it. I really, really liked him. He's
the first
guy I really liked since my ex, that's huge! It took me a
year to get
over that. I just don't get it, seriously, Ill never
understand men. Now
go away, Im done fraternizing with the enemy.
They laugh and I almost do too, until I remember that
this is real
life. He called me thinking I was some other girl?!
SERIOUSLY?!
Introduction
9
I had my phone all set to dial one of my girlfriends to do
the
obligatory re-hashing of every detail in a desperate
attempt to
understand why, when David presented me with a more
tempting
offer.
Okay Sabrina, let's make a deal. We're gonna talk
about this for
five minutes. You tell us what happened, and we will
explain
everything to you. After that, you're coming out with us
and we're not
talking about this for the rest of the night.
Hmm interesting. I was skeptical, but totally up for
the
challenge.
I recapped the relationship as swiftly and effectively as
I could,
making sure to highlight every nice thing Kevin said and
sweet thing
he did, in order to further emphasize my totally justified
state of
confusion. The feedback I received from the boys was
not what I
expected. I was startled, amazed, enlightened, and I
feltbetter.
Here is the summation of what went down during that
eyeopening
conversation on that fateful night.
Source of Confusion #1: On our second date, Kevin
said he has
never liked a girl so much after only two dates and it
usually takes a
lot longer for him to develop those kinds of feelings.
My take: He must have really liked me off the bat; I was
clearly the
exception to his ruleshe even said so! If he didn't
mean it, why
would he say it? That wouldnt make any sense. The ball
was clearly
in my court at this point because he was the one being
so open and
vulnerable.
Guys take: When a guy says something sweet and
sentimental like
that in the early stages, he's lying. He's not really
expressing how he
feels about you; rather, he wants to determine how you
feel about
him. He may like you, or at least see you as a girl he
could like, but
the reason he said those things was to see your
reaction. Men are
Introduction
10
insecure too. No guy wants to get hurt and the best way
to protect
himself is to make sure you really like him before he can
let himself
go there.
Let's say you were a little indifferent when he said
those mushy
things, and responded with something like, "Aw, that's
nice." Then, he
would know that he has to work a little harder to win
you over. I bet
you got all excited when he said that sappy crap (um
maybe) so the
ball was in his court. He had you right there.
Source of Confusion #2: He came back from his yearly
vacation
with his family and when I said I was jealous, he said
maybe next
time I'd go too. This wasnt the only time he talked
about the future.
He also mentioned us going to a concert that summer. It
was
February! Why would he make plans so far down the
line??
My take: A guy even mentioning going on vacation with
a girl is huge!
It clearly means he was looking ahead toward the
future and
envisioned me meeting his family and being a continued
part of his
life. I mean, he didn't have to mention anything about
me going on
vacation with his family. The relationship was still so
new and fresh; I
totally would not have expected him to say anything
along those
lines. So if he didn't mean it, why would he say it?
Guys take: Oh, he did mean it. He meant it at that
moment, anyway.
He wasn't lying when he said maybe next time you'd go,
but he didn't
necessarily think of it logistically. Guys are very in-the-
moment
thinkers. We usually aren't looking ahead; we look at
whats in front of
us. I'm sure at that moment he was thinking, "Wow, this
girl is so cool
and fun, yeah, she should come on vacation! That would
be
awesome!"
He wasn't thinking about whether you'd still be together
a year
from now, or even a week from now. It was just a
fleeting thought to
him that didn't carry much weight. (Cue me feeling like an
utter moron
for thinking this fleeting thought was a major relationship
milestone).
Introduction
11
Source of Confusion #3: In the beginning, he always
called and
texted. As time went on, the calls and texts became
less and less
frequent. However, he always gave me an explanation if
he had to
cancel plans, or if he went a day or two without calling
me back.
My take: In the beginning, he pursued me because
that's how
relationships usually start. When things became more
settled, it was
totally acceptable, if not expected, for me to begin
initiating contact.
Also, if he wasn't into me, why not just end it? It would
have been
easy for him to say he needed to focus on work,
especially since he
would often blame work when he had to cancel plans. If
he had
already decided he didn't want to be with me, why
continue to string
me along?
Guys take: First of all, if you find yourself asking a guy
why he didn't
call or text you back, the relationship is in crisis mode.