Example submission:

The more power a person has, the more responsibility they bear. To what extent do you agree or
disagree with this statement?

It is common for people to be told that the more power they have the more responsible they must be. It is
believed that this statement is applied to an individual would have many responsibilities once receiving
the promotion. These can be proven by Thai Prime Ministers responsibilities, Mr. Apisit . (<--What does
this sentence mean?) His major responsibilities are developing Thailands economy and building
international relations.
Firstly, after he had won the selection in 2009 he faced the difficulties in recovering the economic
problems. Take the issue of exporting as an example. Agricultural exports were severely depressed at this
time and this caused the horrible economic situation. Regarding to these (<--Regarding to these?
Maybe you mean Regarding these?), he had spent over two years on renewing the export system and
proving he could do it. These can be shown that the more power comes with the more responsibilities. (<-
-Student, I am not sure I completely understand your point here. I see you have shared an example that
shows how the president of Thailand pulled his country out of economical trouble through a commitment
to the agricultural industry, but how does this connect power and responsibility? Wouldnt a better
example be to compare the responsibilities he had before he took office with the greater responsibilities
he had after?)
Secondly, any would have (<--any would have? What does this mean?) good relations to other nations,
Thailand would do so. (<--What does this sentence mean? I feel I am unable to correct the grammar in it
as I am not sure what the basic meaning is.) He (<--He is the President, right? Perhaps you might need
to mention his name again as you havent stated it since the introduction paragraph.) plays an important
role to be an ambassador to build up the relations with other countries. So, the international trips had been
arranged to help these. For instance, he visited more than ten countries in the first year of his duty as the
Prime Minister. It is no doubt that once receiving power as the Prime Minister role he would have more
responsible on his duty. (<--I really do not see the connection between power and responsibility here.
What are you saying he is responsible for?)
After looking at these, it has been clearly proven that the more power a person gets after being promoted
the more responsible their new duties make them. It is predicted that people would do best in their job
whether getting the promotion or not.(<--What does this closing sentence mean? Do you mean people do
well at work whether they get a promotion or not? How does this relate to the topic of your essay?)

Hi Student,

This essay is very poor. To be honest, I am confused why you have avoided the proper essay structure I
teach in my videos. This essay appears to be missing certain types of sentences (background sentences,
discussion sentences, proper concluding sentences) and mixing up the order of other paragraph forms (for
instance, look at the example you give at the end of the second supporting paragraph). A clean essay
structure is very straightforward:

Background sentence
Detailed background sentence
Thesis
Outline

Topic 1
Example
Discussion
Conclusion
Topic 2
Example
Discussion
Conclusion

Summary
Restatement of thesis
Prediction or recommendation

A second point I need to make is regarding your supporting points in this essay. You are supposed to be
proving that when a person is endowed with more power, they are equally endowed with greater
responsibility. Here you seem to be providing evidence that doesnt really support your thesis (unless I
have completely misunderstood what you are writing, which is a possibility).

Grammatically speaking, the essay is weak. Many sentences are incoherent. Take this as an example:

These can be proven by Thai Prime Ministers responsibilities, Mr. Apisit .

Is Mr. Apisit the responsibility? Well, according to this sentence he is. Why is there a space before the
period? I think what you want to write is:

This can be proven by looking at the power and responsibility bestowed upon Thailands Prime Minister,
Mr. Apisit.

On the IELTS exam, I would expect an essay like this to score extremely low.

I am sorry if this email is upsetting. Please use my advice as a tool to motivate you to make constructive
changes to your writing.

Good luck,
Ryan