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Yvonne Zhou

College Writing R1A, Section 002

Oct. 4, 2017

Paper 2

Considering that this is a timed essay wrote in class, some of the flaws in the essay is

forgivable, but there are still many deficiencies in the essay that is not because limited time.

From my perspective, I would give myself a C for this essay.

First, the thesis of the essay is not that closely related to the documentary Generation

Like. The documentary is mainly about some hidden rules of the current like environment,

and whether teens can win the game even if they do not know some of the rules, not about

the privacy. Rushkoff did not mention anything about privacy in his documentary. The thesis

of the essay, according to the prompt, should be something about Rushkoffs concerns and the

opinions toward it. For example, the thesis could be I totally agree with Rushkoff and I also

think that marketers are using the data while public especially teens have no aware of that is

worth alarming. With thesis like the example, the essay can show the relation to the

documentary while also conveying the writers viewpoint, which my essay fails to achieve.

As for the development of the essay, it is still not that satisfactory. My in-class essay is

kind of chaotic in development. The first body paragraph indicates that kids should pay more

attention to their privacy, but it uses the example of myself to prove that teens need to pay more

attention than before. This is not as convincing as the example of some other teens or some

quotations from experts, and as I am no longer a teenager, this example is not that related to

teens. Whats more, the rest of the first body paragraph is just reinforcing the power of like
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and the loss of privacy by like something. The paragraph ends with the conclusion that teens

have less privacy. With this conclusion at the end of the paragraph, it seems that this is still an

introduction as it has still not reaching the point that starts to argue why the thesis, teens can

choose to be less used by marketers, is true. The whole paragraph lacks I say to make this

paragraph expressing my viewpoints. And the second paragraph suddenly changes from

proving that teens have less privacy to ways that how like data can be reduced while also

stating that the example of teens provided in the documentary is already sharing too much. This

is quite abrupt, there should be more transitions between two paragraphs. And the logic in the

second body paragraph is quite also confusing. The first sentence provides a way to reduce the

like data, and the following lines are just examples again that trying to support the availability

of this way. The way itself is actually quite self-evident: the way to reduce the number of like

is sure to be click less like when we are using social medias. After this, it turns back to prove

every teen in the documentary shares too much about their own. This proof should be placed

at least before the solutions as this is also an analysis of the documentary. Putting it here makes

the essay flows back and also making the transition to the conclusion confusing.

The conclusion of this essay also needs some rewrites. The conclusion paragraph contains

some reasoning like Currently, it is quite unfair as the understanding of the rules is not

equal between companies and the public. Sentences like this should be expanded more in the

body paragraphs, rather than in the conclusion paragraph with only one sentence. Also, the

conclusion uses a lot of redundant information to restate that the public knows limited

information about whats hidden like referring back to what the documentary says. These

repeated information makes the conclusion paragraph longer than it should be, making the
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conclusion seemingly complicated and less concluded. The number of lines can also make the

readers wonder what is the real conclusion for this essay.

There are also many grammar errors in the essay. Like in the second paragraph, there is a

sentence saying it seems that they are so easy to target to their potential customers and sell

their products. It should be changed to it seems that they can so easily target their potential

customers and sell their products. The meaning of the pronoun they in the sentence is not

clear, and the target should not be used in the form to do and should not be used with to.

Also, the first comma in the first sentence of the first paragraph, We are living in a more and

more advanced society, with technologies like mobile phones and social medias, which brought

new problems, should be deleted as things after with is trying to specify the more advanced

society. There are many similar errors in the essay, which would harm the clarity of the essay.

It is sure that not every parts are bad, and some parts of the essay are really good, like the

summary of the documentary, but there are also many parts that are not so well. Although the

quality of this essay could be affected as this is an in-class essay, some of the problems can still

be avoided next time like the problem in thesis.

Critical engagement: C I think I can emphasis more on whats emphasized in the given

materials, and show more in-depth evaluation of the materials

Thesis: NP I am sure that I can get a better thesis next time. The thesis this time is too

irrelevant with the documentary

Development: C The development of this essay is not that good because the lack of I say
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in the first body paragraphs. Although there is some I say in the second body paragraph, the

amount can still be larger and more reasoning could be added.

Organization: C The organization of this essay also receives a C as the logic in the two body

paragraphs are not so coherent. Next time, I can add more transitions and maybe have more

body paragraphs to separate each phase of thinking so that the logic in the whole essay will be

more clear.

Word choice: C There are many words or phrases that is used several times like there are

two it is sure in the last paragraph. Be more careful when use words or phrases next time.

Sentences: C Some of the sentences are too long, and there are too many clauses or

modifying relationship in some sentences, making the meaning of the sentence unclear. Like

the first sentence of the essay, with and which makes it confusing that whether which is

for social medias or the whole sentence.

Grammar and Usage: C As I mentioned above in the paper, there are many grammar and

usage problems in the essay. All of the errors can be changed if I read it more carefully after I

finish. Next time, pay more attention while writing the essay and be more careful when editing

it.

Overall Grade: C This is an in-class essay, so many problems that can be covered when

I have enough time will be exposed in this essay. With this essay and this evaluation after

writing it in-class, I noticed that I would need to pay more attention next time to the thesis, the

grammar and a lot of other things I mentioned above. Next time before writing, try to develop

an outline for the essay so that the overall logic of the essay and the coherence would no longer

be a problem.