UHB3052/hza/04032013

Assertiveness
http://healthcenter.ncsu.edu/counseling-center/resources/mental-health-and-wellness-
topics/assertiveness/

The ability to express yourself and your rights without violating the rights of others is known as
assertiveness. When you assert yourself, you communicate directly, openly, and honestly while
improving yourself at the same time. Acting assertively will bolster self-confidence and win you
the respect of your peers. As you learn to assert yourself, your decision-making ability will
improve, as will your chances of getting what you really want out of life.

However, before you can comfortably express your needs, you must believe you have a
legitimate right to have those needs. You have the right:

to decide how to lead your life. This includes pursuing your own goals and dreams and
establishing your own priorities.

to your own values, beliefs, opinions, and emotions and the right to respect yourself
for them, no matter the opinion of others.

not to justify or explain your actions or feelings to others.

to tell others how you wish to be treated.

to express yourself and to say No, I dont know, I dont understand, or even I
dont care. You have the right to take the time you need to formulate your ideas before
expressing them.

to ask for information or help without having negative feelings about your needs.

to change your mind, to make mistakes, and to sometimes act illogically with full
understanding and acceptance of the consequences.

to like yourself even though youre not perfect, and to sometimes do less than you are
capable of doing.

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to have positive, satisfying relationships within which you feel comfortable and free to
express yourself honestly and the right to change or end relationships if they dont
meet your needs.

to change, enhance, or develop your life in any way you determine.

When you dont believe you have these rights, you may react passively to circumstances and
events in your life. When you perceive others needs, opinions, and judgments as more important
than your own, you may feel hurt, anxious, and even angry. This kind of passive or nonassertive
behavior is often indirect, emotionally dishonest and self-denying.

Many people feel that attending to their legitimate needs and asserting their rights means they are
selfish. However, selfishness is the concern for only your rights, with little or no regard for
others. Implicit in your rights is the fact that you are concerned about the legitimate rights of
others as well.

TechniquesforImprovingAssertiveness

Be as specific and clear as possible about what you want, think, and feel.

The following statements project this preciseness:

I want to
I dont want you to
Would you?
I liked it when you did that.
I have a different opinion, I think that
I have mixed reactions. I agree with these aspects for these reasons, but I am disturbed
about these aspects for these reasons.

It can be helpful to explain exactly what you mean and exactly what you dont mean, such as
I dont want to break up over this, but Id like to talk it through and see if we can prevent it
from happening again.

Be direct. Deliver your message to the person for whom it is intended.

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If you want to tell Jane something, tell Jane; do not tell everyone except Jane; do not tell a
group, of which Jane happens to be a member.

Own your message. Acknowledge that your message comes from your frame of reference,
your conception of good vs. bad or right vs. wrong, your perceptions.

You can acknowledge ownership with personalized I statements. For example, you might
say I dont agree with you instead of saying, Youre wrong. Or you might say, Id like
you to mow the lawn instead of saying, You really should mow the lawn, you know.
Suggesting that someone is wrong or bad or should change will foster resentment and
resistance rather than understanding and cooperation.

Ask for feedback. You might say, Am I being clear? or How do you see this situation? or
What do you want to do? Asking for feedback encourages others to correct any
misperceptions you may have. Through your requests for feedback, others realize that you
are expressing opinions, feelings, or desires rather than demands. Encourage others to be
clear, direct, and specific in their feedback to you.

SomeOtherTechniquesofbeingAssertive

Using opening gambits

Heres a few examples of opening gambits:

Ive been putting off saying this to you as I dont know how youre going to react but ..
This is really difficult for me to say, but
Im feeling quite nervous here
yes I know this can be difficult

Avoid giving lots excuses or go into unnecessary detail when you want to say no

I would love to come but I dont have a car that day followed on by lots of detail
about why the car isnt available.

Instead

Thanks for the invitation/offer but it isnt suitable . (Add a frienfly note) Hope
youll have an interesting time at the party.

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Be aware of your body language and tone of voice

Try to keep your head up and look more directly at the other person. If necessary be
prepared to use the broken record technique

TheLanguageofAssertiveness

http://ub-counseling.buffalo.edu/language.shtml

The following are suggestions regarding the language of assertiveness.

"I" statements:
I think...
I feel...
I want...

Statements of Personal Reference and Personal Meaning:

"This is the way I see it"
"In my opinion..."
"This is how I feel"
"This is what it means to me"

Statements of Request:
"I" want...
"I" need...

Statements offering compromise:

"I" would like this...
What would you like?
"I" think...What do you think?
"What would be an acceptable compromise?"
"Can we work this out--What time is agreeable to you?"
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Asking for time:

"I'd like to discuss this in an hour"
Taking time to think, know what you want to be different,
thinking of compromise, etc.

Asking for clarification--instead of ASSUMING.

AVOID demanding and blaming statements:

You make me...
You think...
You should/shouldn't...
It's your fault...
Don't you think...
If only you would...

SpecificVerbalSkills

"I" think statements

Broken record--repeating what you want, persistence
Acknowledge what other is saying, then repeat your view, opinion, need, etc.
Provide feedback--respond to what other person is saying

LanguageFormula

I feel--state your feeling

When (describe behavior)

Because (concrete effect or consequence on your situation) / I'd prefer (offer

compromise)

AVOID being judgmental:

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Refer to the short notes on Developing Assertive Messages

Online Resources on Assertiveness

Assertiveness (2007) from the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign Counseling Centers

defines the quality of assertiveness and explains specific techniques you can use to improve your
assertiveness.

Learning to Be Assertive from the University of Texas at Austins Counseling and Mental Health
Center will help you differentiate assertiveness and aggression, practice asserting yourself, and
locate other resources about assertiveness.

The Language of Assertiveness (2009), an article from SUNY-Buffalo, will help you choose
words so that you can assert yourself verbally.

Assertiveness Continuum from the Texas Womans University Counseling Center makes it easy
to compare different attitudes and levels of assertiveness.

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