An excerpt from a recent article on my blog:

About four years ago I spilt up with my girlfriend and subsequently became rather ill I was eventually hospitalised and on admission the first
nurse who saw me in a hospital gown assumed I had been burnt in a house fire, so badly destroyed was the weeping, bleeding skin all over my
body. I took the drugs they gave me and the skin got better quickly. The drugs eventually weakened my teeth to the point that I broke three in just
a couple of weeks so I stopped taking them. Within about a week the skin was really bad again. I tried every therapy, alternative or otherwise I
could find, changed my diet completely. Nothing really worked.

In the article I didnt want to distract from the main point by going too deeply into the nature of the illness, but I will do here. The illness was
eczema, and if you have ever suffered from it or related diseases like psoriasis, you will know what a hell on Earth it can be. Firstly, it is in itself
very painful and uncomfortable you want to scratch but you know you shouldnt eventually you cant help it and you do, which helps for a few
minutes, but it starts bleeding, eventually maybe the wound gets infected and your immune system has to work overtime fighting the infection
(even as it is already working hard to create the eczema in the first place, more of which later). Also it looks very ugly, especially if it appears on
the face, as it does in many instances (and did in my case); you feel that you are a disgusting monster and it destroys self-confidence like a
bulldozer knocking down a run-down old shack. People generally dont know how much you are suffering and tend not to take it seriously; they
assume it is a minor irritation and expect you to get on with your life as normal.

For me, one of the worst factors of having eczema was that it was too painful for me to be able to sleep properly, and that brings with it a whole
world of trouble you have no concentration, you are just like a zombie during the day having barely slept at night, your energy is super-low, you
dont want to see other people, you are less able to take care of yourself, and eventually you become seriously depressed.

Modern medicine, in my experience anyway, views eczema as incurable I was told this several times by doctors both in the UK and in Spain,
where I now live. They offer creams and tablets which relieve the symptoms, but you are given no hope that it could ever get better.

I wont go too deeply into all the alternative therapies I tried in addition to allopathic medicine; some were completely ineffective, and some, like
acupuncture, had been very effective in the past, but now, during the serious attack I am talking about here, even this would have only a
temporary effect; within a day or so I was just as bad as ever.

My cousin had been a dietician and had recommended that I stop eating wheat and other foods containing gluten, plus also stop drinking alcohol
(I didnt drink much alcohol as it was, so actually giving up this and caffeine was easier than giving up wheat). However in my desperation to not
make the eczema worse, I ended up eating mostly rice, vegetables and fish, and not really enough of any of that, so I lost a lot of weight and this
added to the depletion of my overall health. I realised later that diet was an important factor in the attempt to cure the disease, and I will expand
more on that in the second part of this article.

Despite all this, I had the inner conviction that eczema was not incurable, and that what I was going through was a healing crisis, rather than
merely a particularly bad bout of an illness that was going to plague me until the day I died. Had I known it was going to last for over three years I
might have chosen to end it all right then, as even the next five minutes looked a daunting proposition to get through at times.
I was having some strange side effects to the illness though (and if you are not particularly interested in what we might call the psychological or
spiritual aspect to this story, you can safely skip this part) often, lying in bed unable to sleep, I would have odd visions images coming from
who knows where, which seemed to be carrying some sort of oblique message for me. I intensified this by sometimes doing one of Stuart Wildes
guided meditations, listening on headphones, where he would lead you in your imagination into a secret garden, and from there, once in a kind of
shamanic trance state, a journey could take place into realms unknown.

I cant remember if it was during one of these journeys or just spontaneously, but one time a very
powerful vision arose of the Holy Grail, but in a kind of classic optical illusion where the cup is made by the profiles of two faces. This was
accompanied by a vision of the beach at Cadaqus, near where I live, where my ex-girlfriend and I had shared a particularly emotional moment in
our relationship. I realised the meaning of the Holy Grail it is a state of perfect equilibrium between the opposites; the polarities which make up
existence male and female, black and white, hard and soft etc. and out of this polarity flows a third force, which one might call the energy of
perfection or possibly the divine. This image took me by surprise because I have never been a Christian by any stretch of the imagination, other
than a cultural one by virtue of being born in a nominally Christian country, the UK.
Shortly after that I saw (I think on Facebook), the Salvador Dal design for the tarot card, the Ace of Cups, which is that same optical illusion, and
whose background is the beach at Port Lligat, just around the headland from the beach at Cadaqus. I am not claiming that I had never seen this
before; I almost certainly had seen it sometime, but it was not something I had ever more than glanced at, maybe in a library book about Dal
years before. What was new was the understanding of the meaning of the card and how it related to me personally: the clear message was that
my life was seriously out of balance and that in order to be healed I needed to connect with the part of myself which was already healed, already
in equilibrium. This also awakened in me an interest in the Tarot; I had been occasionally using the I-Ching but had never really looked into the
ancient Western magickal tradition, of which the Tarot forms a part. Im sure Dal intended to make the correlation between the Holy Grail and the
Ace of Cups as he was what might be referred to as a Cosmic Christian late in his life when these cards were designed.

So, despite my utter desolation at being in pain nearly all of the time and unable to sleep, I carried within me a kind of conviction that all this was
happening for a reason and that I would eventually come out of it, although I have to say I knew that there was a chance of the doctors being right
about me having to live with it in some form for the rest of my life.

However, after this initial series of visions, and the insight that I needed to look into the issue of the Shadow as it is described by Jungian
psychology, things went very dark. You might be asking why I was not receiving enough medical assistance to alleviate my suffering
unfortunately in Spain the healthcare system is mired in both bureaucracy and austerity, and as a foreigner, unless it was classed as an
emergency I was unable to receive the free State healthcare at that time. I was not working much due to the lack of sleep so private health
insurance was also out of the question. I kept the worst of my suffering hidden from my parents (who would otherwise have helped me) as I didnt
want them to worry unduly, and I always felt that a cure was just around the corner.

The cure remained elusive though and things worsened to the point where my acupuncturist (who is also a qualified doctor at a nearby hospital),
on seeing my bleeding skin and the worsening eczema which covered almost my whole body, insisted that I come in to the hospital emergency
department the next day, and this is where I encountered the nurse who assumed I had been burnt in a fire. I felt too low in energy to explain that
actually it was an inner fire which had burnt me rather than an outer one

At the hospital they gave me the steroid Prednisone in pill form, and I have to say this worked a treat I had several months completely eczema
free and was starting to enjoy life again, until the moment that I was eating some cereal for breakfast and one of my teeth just broke in half. I had
heard that steroids could cause osteoporosis or other nasty side effects, but I had seemingly avoided these. I realised the full extent of the
damage when I broke two more teeth within the next two or three weeks, and resolved to stop taking the steroids again. I had known that steroids
could be harmful from personal experience as I had seen how the steroid creams I had been given when I only had small patches of eczema
would thin the skin quite dramatically.

So back to the eczema, back to the pain and back to the sleepless nights for months I can hardly remember much of what happened back
then as I was really only surviving, not actually living. Everything felt wrong, I was angry, frustrated, depressed, massively tired, in constant pain
which ranged from uncomfortable to agonizing, and totally desperate. I could not see any way out. I had no idea I could feel as bad as this, and I
had been an eczema sufferer for years, on and off, had had my heart broken several times, struggled with depression and low self-esteem but
this really took the cake. I felt like the epitome of a victim.

Another extract from my blog:

One night, unable to sleep for the pain, I was reading Caroline Myss book Why People Dont Heal and How They Can. She said something like
surrender completely and stop trying to fix things (this is what I understood her to have said, although you might not find that exact phrase in the
book). Having tried everything and nothing had worked, I just gave up. This was the equivalent of the alcoholic hitting rock bottom, I think. I
completely gave up, not in a defeatist or nihilistic way, not in a way that has any kind of identity attached to it, not in a way which hopes that if I
give up things will be better in the future I gave up the idea of me as someone who could do something about this, I gave up the idea of a
future where I might get better, I gave up any belief or faith I might have had in anything. It was a big relief, actually.

The thing I really took away from that book, which is related to the notion of a complete surrender, is the idea of giving up ones victim mentality,
ones identity as someone who suffers, who complains to friends about it, eliciting sympathy, and ultimately garnering a feeling of being special
this is a consolation prize for being unwell, and it may be that it keeps people stuck in their illness, as this victimhood as the one who is ill
becomes who they are, and they are unable to imagine who they would be without it. It is almost like the Stockholm Syndrome of people who
start to sympathise with their kidnappers, or the institutionalisation which takes place when one has been incarcerated in a prison or psychiatric
hospital for a long period of time.

Here is an extract from an email I wrote (but dont believe I ever sent) to a friend who is a fellow eczema sufferer possibly I believed it was a bit
presumptuous to be sending her my philosophical rants while she was suffering so much physically; however if you have got this far in the article I
assume you know where I am coming from by now:
Just wanted to share with you some thoughts Ive had about eczema and why it seems such an insoluble problem; that is a problem with no
solution.

Before going to sleep the other night I was reading the excellent book Owning Your Own Shadow by Robert A. Johnson, and he mentions that
spiritual breakthroughs always come when there are two opposites opposing each other with great force when no further movement is possible,
a paradox is created and the solution comes out of that.

Then later that night I woke up because I was itching with the eczema and I knew I wouldnt get back to sleep so I listened to some Eckhart Tolle
on my mp3 player. He was saying that in extreme suffering, often the gateway to the divine opens, and that this is the meaning of the Christian
symbol of Christ on the cross it is simultaneously a symbol of suffering but also of transcendence, and this was exactly what Johnson is saying
in the book as well.

All of this made me realise that in a way there is no solution to severe eczema because it is a spiritual dis-ease it is meant to bring you to a
point of complete despair where your mind has no more solutions and basically surrenders to what is. So I was trying to surrender but I realised
that I was still imagining an I who has to surrender and it wasnt working. So then I just gave up pretending that I knew anything about anything,
admitted I didnt know what to do, didnt know how to surrender, didnt know who I was etc etc. And in this way I really surrendered and there was
a breakthrough and I realised that the eczema had been leading me to this point of surrender all along.
There is the desire to be cured of the eczema, and there is the fact that one has it, and these are two opposites fighting each other. This produces
great despair, but in fact rather than being a negative thing, this is actually the only thing which allows one to transcend the mind and its solutions
(if I try this, maybe Ill be cured). Also this is a paradox because I believe that the only way to be cured is to surrender totally to the fact that
one wants to be cured but cannot be.

The next day I felt like a weight had been lifted from me, there was no more despair at a deep level, I felt like I had understood that life is always
pushing us into these no exit situations and this is the only thing which allows true breakthroughs to happen. Also we can see this in the situation
in the world today; we are being pushed as a species towards a crisis point of utter despair, and from there the new solutions will arise.

The Zen masters understood this when they set koans for students: questions with no answer, like the famous what is the sound of one hand
clapping? they knew the students would be pushed into a breakthrough by the tension created by this unsolvable problem.

So I guess that in a way, eczema is a koan.

So if eczema is a koan, it is a brutal one, and possibly one which comes to pass when the individual has been out of balance for a long time. It is
said that we can choose the path of Wisdom or the path of Woe eczema is definitely the path of Woe, but the point is, they both lead to the
same place where we only know that we actually dont know, and our precious self-importance has been dampened or even extinguished.

Having turned the corner as it were, (in terms of hope for the future if not in an actual improvement in my health), although I didnt know for sure
then if it was a genuine touching rock bottom, or merely one more step on the way down, I began to search for something which might genuinely
make a difference to my health. I had the deep suspicion that the cause of the eczema was not merely physical, and that as I had already
completely changed my diet, was taking much more exercise than before (including playing squash, swimming (although not in the sea way too
painful!) and doing Chi Gong) and was still suffering a great deal, I felt that there must be a way of liberating the subconscious energy which I felt
must be at the root of the skin condition.

I was doing a lot of research online at the time, and buying a lot of books in the hope that somewhere I would find the key information that would
make all the difference. I had always been interested in the work of Stanislav Grof, the Czech psychologist who has laid out in various books the
results of his research into altered states of consciousness and near death experiences. A book I particularly had found useful was one he had
co-written with his wife Christina, The Stormy Search For The Self, and I remembered that in this there had been a description of a therapy they
had devised together called Holotropic Breathwork. So I searched online to see if there was anywhere near me that facilitated this kind of therapy
expecting, I have to be honest, that there wouldnt be.
What I didnt realise is that one of the main centres for the training of Holotropic Breathwork (HB) is fairly near me, so there were a couple of
centres offering it not too far away. I immediately, and with a fair amount of trepidation, knowing that this would probably not be an easy thing to
go through, contacted them and, once they had satisfied themselves that I met the mental and physical health criteria necessary, arranged to go
to a one-day HB workshop they were holding at the end of the month in Barcelona.

I am not going to go into the full story of what HB is, (other than to say it involves rapid breathing until one enters a kind of trance), or what
happened at this workshop, but suffice it to say, it was extremely intense, and the latter part of it involved reliving my own birth, both from my own
perspective as a tiny baby, but also from my mothers perspective (even more strange, although it felt perfectly natural at the time).
 Christina and Stanislav Grof, creators of Holotropic Breathwork

After this first session I felt like an enormous weight had lifted, and to my immense delight, the eczema actually improved massively. As you may
know if you have ever suffered from it, the good thing about eczema is that it can heal extremely quickly you can be a red-raw mess one day,
and a couple of days later it can be well on the way to being completely better. However the opposite is also true, and even more so you can be
fine in the morning but by the evening look like a bad sunburn case and be feeling absolutely terrible.
So after this first HB workshop I went on holiday to Mallorca for a few days, and I was overjoyed that the eczema was almost completely better
after a couple of days there. It was then that I more or less knew that I was going to be able to heal (at least to a great extent) from this extremely
debilitating illness.

Once I came back, the eczema also came back, and with a vengeance, but having been eczema-free without drugs for the first time since the
healing crisis started, I felt much better than before, despite the state of my skin, knowing that there might be a way out of this situation.

I continued to research online and in books and started to believe there was something to the leaky gut theory of eczema basically, and not to
put too fine a point on it, we are full of crap and this undigested waste is leaking out through the damaged walls of our gut, into our bloodstream,
and causing our immune system to react against the pollution in our blood.

Around this time I read the excellent article on autoimmune diseases by Charles Eisenstein (this was in fact my introduction to his work, and
subsequently he has gone on to be one of my favourite writers).
An excerpt:

Humanitys adversarial relationship to nature shows up on the inside as the War Against the Self. Autoimmunity is only one aspect of this war,
which is primarily psychological. Self-hatred, self-judgement, and self-rejection are the psychological correlates of somatic autoimmunity.

This was pretty much how I felt in a nutshell. It can also be summed up in the words of the poet A.E. Housman, quoted by the great Alan Watts:
alone and afraid in a world I never made.

We feel alienated from life itself, from nature indeed we do not realise that human nature and nature are one and the same. We have been
kicked out of Eden and are now skeletons fighting for power, as Osho put it. The immune system is fighting the body itself, as if we have become
our own Other. We are clinging on tightly inside, clinging on to our own shit (literally and figuratively as we cling to past resentments and self-
hatred), taking sides in a war against ourselves, a futile war (as are all wars) which we can never ever win.
This is of course all related to the concept of the self as separate, a kind of lonely robot conditioned by society to repress all true feelings in the
name of competitive advantage and fitting in of course only a square can fit in, amongst the other squares; or as Josesph Campbell called
them, stuffed shirts people who kill their true selves in order to cling on to their position in society. One represses ones true desires and true
feelings and is duly compensated by society. We are told in school, sit up straight, concentrate, dont look out of the window, behave and
slightly more subtle versions of this mindset often permeate the jobs we have to do as adults. Only a very narrow amount of our total energy is
required for societys purposes, and the rest of it must go where? That is our problem. Well this was now my problem, lying on the mat and
going through Hell.

Here is an excerpt from a journal entry I made after my second session of Holotropic Breathwork describing the visionary experiences I went
through during the therapy:

]The convulsions] then gradually merged into the experience of being burnt- at first it was just a powerful feeling of my body burning but then
an image formed in my mind of me lying on the ground burning and a circle of people around me watching me burning and not doing anything to
help me, in fact seeming to take a demonic pleasure in seeing me suffer. Overall the energy seemed to have an infernal or satanic quality to it.
Gradually I realised I had the option to become the fire itself that was burning me and I briefly experienced being a pure flame, my arms
describing the movement of the fire.

I then became a shaman or sorcerer, capturing the flame and throwing it away, like Thor casting thunderbolts, but was unable to achieve any real
release in this and reverted to being the victim lying on the ground burning, filled with a feeling of abandonment and resentment at the people who
could help me and yet didnt. I also had the persistent feeling that the session had stopped and everyone was just standing around where I lay on
the mattress and was staring and laughing at me. Of course I knew that in fact nothing of the kind was occurring but I had to keep reminding
myself that this could not be the case.

This part of the session seemed to be related to me having to choose between becoming the pure flame and taking on the qualities and powers of
fire itself or holding on to the resentment I felt towards the people who were burning me. Although I realised that to become the fire was the real
victory, I just could not let go of the hatred and isolation I felt within my human form and was not willing to let that go and just become the
impersonal fire. It felt like that was letting them get away with it, somehow a forgiveness they did not deserve. Of course my conscious mind
realised that this was an error and probably the reason why the original experience (whatever it was) did not complete fully.

I had many experiences which could be literally be described as hellish, in this session and the subsequent two or three. Strangely the day after
this particular session I met the six year old child of one of my fellow breathers and he commented (in Catalan and merely as a comment in
passing, without fear) that I was a demon and made the sign of horns on his head!

Stan Grofs writings about Holotropic Breathwork therapy (e.g. http://www.atpweb.org/jtparchive/trps-05-73-01-015.pdf) include a kind of map of
the part of the subconscious related to biological birth which he calls the Perinatal Matrices. These are basically archetypal states in which the
child being born can find themselves and which they often have to relive years later during the therapy itself before they can finally find healing.
After these very fiery or hellish sessions I read his description of the Second Matrix and it certainly struck a chord with me:

PerinatalMatrix II. (Antagonism with Mother)

This matrix is related to the first clinical stage of delivery, when the child is exposed to uterine contractions in a closed system. As far as the
phenomenology of this matrix is concerned, it can be experienced on the biological level, or in the form of its psychological and spiritual
counterpart, the No-Exit situation or Hell. The colors of the visions are usually dark and ominous; the subject feels encaged and trapped in a
biological and/or metaphysical sense. He experiences indescribable suffering and cannot see the way out of this situation, neither in time, nor in
space. The whole world is seen as an apocalyptic place, full of wars, epidemics and horrors, and human life appears as totally meaningless and
absurd.

My theory, and it is only that, is that I had a great deal of firey energy locked in my subconscious repressed sexuality, unresolved anger,
unused power and in the process of releasing it I had to literally travel into Hell itself (which is nothing more or less than this unacknowledged
energy stored in the body/mind) and learn to liberate it and use it for the good of the Whole. During my reliving of my own birth, at times I seemed
to be in a massive underground cavern with hellfire all around and an incredibly dark and evil energy permeating everything.

I speculate that it is possible to have a bad birth which actually colours the perception of the world from the very day one is born. The reason
why this happens to some people and not others may be simply biological, it may have to do with the mothers feelings relating to the birth itself,
or it may indeed be, as Grof himself suggests, that there is a karmic element to all of this; that as the soul is about to incarnate onto the Earth
plane, the karmic forces gather from what might be called past lives (although I think that is probably a simplification of what the actual process
is, we can use that term for now), and gather around the incarnating soul, creating these hellish or stuck experiences. All I know for sure is that
my birth took 48 hours and was extremely difficult both for me and for my mother.

So how does the leaky gut theory fit in with all of this psychological stuff? My idea is that, as I said, due to all our repressed uptight emotion, we
are hanging on to a lot of shit internally. This is both a metaphor and a literal reality the squeamish can look away now I often found that after
I experienced an energy release via Holotropic Breathwork, a similar digestive letting go was not far away. Then the eczema would briefly worsen
for a couple of days as all the toxins were stirred up, but subsequent to that I would feel much better both emotionally and physically.

So if the leaky gut theory is true, this chronic internal holding on would mean that there were a lot of toxins which should have been expelled by
the digestion entering the bloodstream, against which the immune system was forced to fight, and this reaction is the cause of the eczema. So we
see how releasing the emotions via a deep therapy like Holotropic Breathwork allows us to also release the toxins more quickly, plus with the
correct diet and an abstinence from harmful and imbalancing medications the walls of the gut are eventually healed and the immune reaction
subsides along with the eczema.

I assume that some people are more predisposed to hanging on to emotions in the stomach area (normally said to be the area of relationship)
and thus experience diseases like eczema or IBS, whereas others might hold on in the head region and maybe experience cluster headaches or
migraines, and still others might hold on in the heart area and experience cardiac problems. I am sure that there is a great confluence of different
causes genetic, dietary, hereditary, emotional, psychological and spiritual which means that one person becomes ill in a particular way, whilst
someone else has a different reaction. The important thing is to somehow make the dark subconscious energy conscious in whatever way we
can, while simultaneously striving to optimise our physical conditions and circumstances.
In my case I had just gone through a traumatic breakup with someone I had assumed to be the love of my life, so having problems in the
stomach area was probably to be expected.
 Stan Grofs Drawing of a Phoenix

I had to go through another three very heavy and unpleasant HB sessions before I finally experienced some sort of breakthrough (although there
were pleasant moments as well in all the sessions). Here is an excerpt from my account of the third session:

I was identifying with Christ on the cross, bleeding, with many open wounds, and the blood running over everything. But there was no redeeming
quality to the blood, it was just blood and if anything symbolised Christs feeling forsaken by God on the cross. After a while of this, I saw a
transcendent bird made of light taking off behind the cross. I had experienced a reaction on seeing Stan Grofs drawing of a phoenix rising from
the flames and this may well have influenced this small vision.

I kept on breathing but could not break through the feeling of futility. I summoned all my determination, concentrating on the feeling of wanting to
be healthy and free of eczema as hard as I could. This made me scream some more but it was like screaming into a void.

Again the Christian symbolism, which surprised me as I have always been much more interested in Eastern religions than Christianity, but it
seems on entering the subconscious in order to do this healing work, one also enters a mythic dimension (which I had seemed to be entering
spontaneously once the healing crisis had started, as I mentioned in part one). In this dimension it becomes evident that all myths and religions
represent deep truths and this is why they have persisted throughout human history. I also experienced myself as Prometheus and Icarus from
the Greek myths in one session, and had many moments where I seemed to be involved with indigenous shamanism as well. All of this was a
complete surprise to me and involved no effort whatsoever on my part other than that required to enter the trance or Holotropic state in the first
place.

I include this material to make the point that I had to go deeply into my subconscious (what indigenous people might call the Underworld) to be
able to release the energy which was apparently causing the eczema. When I told people (fairly cautiously, it has to be said) about this, their
reactions were mixed. Some flat-out thought I was delusional, some were interested, and others were convinced that I was going to be healed of
the eczema eventually. No matter what anyone thought though, I knew I had to keep going, even when the No Exit sign loomed large over my
whole life, and the light at the end of the tunnel, if there even was one, appeared to be nothing other than a train approaching at high speed.

I have covered my journey of healing and discovery up until this point, which took the form of a voyage into the depths of Hell and out again.

Looking back now, I can see that after all the very difficult experiences of reliving my own birth, and releasing so much anger and resentment (I
have barely scratched the surface here), plus experiencing mythic situations both hellish and heavenly the real breakthrough came during the
sixth session of Holotropic Breathwork I experienced in Barcelona.

Here is an excerpt from the account I wrote of the session afterwards:

then after maybe half an hour I had the image of a door and I suddenly knew that this was an invitation to go through into another state of
consciousness, but I also knew that I had to leave my habitual self and my problems behind completely. I knew I could sit and think about
problems forever but I now had the choice to get with the program and leave all of that behind. There was a feeling of a very practical
consciousness within giving me this choice. I also had the growing realisation that I was able to see my soul or real self it was so obvious, it
had been there all the time and I had been ignoring it! I knew if I went through the door then I would be going into this real self and everything
would change. I felt enormous fear and had to breathe into the fear for a while before I could think clearly again. I knew I had to go through this
door, whatever the consequences.
Unfortunately it is impossible to describe the real self other than it is limitless and one with everything I went through the door.

On the other side, I was just one with impersonal Love, there is no other way to describe it. I had the song title in my head; Sapphire Bullets of
Pure Love and I imagined shooting them out of my hands into the sky. This then transformed very briefly into a situation where I was god and
putting the stars in the sky. I felt one with the ultimate process which is creating the world and everything, but only for a few seconds. Although I
felt fear, I dont think it was that which pulled me back, it was almost like I knew I wasnt ready for that at a deep level and my consciousness just
naturally retreated from that after giving me a glimpse.

I had the realisation that our soul (and there is only one soul, or rather not two) is so beautiful that if our bodies were as luminous and perfect as
it is, we would be unbearably conceited and arrogant. The imperfect physical world offers a completely necessary balance to the utter perfection
of our inner being. The problem is that most people only know the imperfection and are unaware of the perfection, thus life appears ugly and
meaningless. This time however I was just so happy that although I felt boundless compassion for everything, I did not feel in the least sad. The
imperfection and pain in the world was seen as a perfect and necessary part of our journey which is only really a deepening of the present
moment and a merging into who we really are.
This experience really changed everything for me and I could see that the whole experience of getting ill had all been for a reason, and in fact
was a great gift. It had shown me the limits of our human arrogance, the belief that we know it all we are so clever and complicated but in
reality that is just hubris and pride; ultimately we know next to nothing but are not willing to admit it in case it damages our carefully-preserved self
image.
The illness and its side effects had also shown me how the visionary or mythic dimension is so close to our everyday world, and in fact is like an
operating system that we live in without even knowing it, making up as it does the building blocks of our assumptions about reality, most of which
is just arbitrary and man-made, while we consider it to be immutable and constant.

Being so ill also gives one a lot of compassion for others suffering and ugliness (being covered in eczema is probably as close to complete
ugliness as its possible to feel). It also gives a great appreciation of those who stick by us when we are at our lowest ebb.

Without the experience of being so ill I would never have found a way to connect with the deepest part of the One Self and realise that we truly
are all One, or maybe better to say not separate this is a truth that has to be experienced and I believe it is what all the religions are pointing at
when they talk about their deepest truths. Our everyday world is not set up for these kinds of breakthroughs and so it seems inevitable that many
must pass through the way of illness and limitation in order to reach this place. I was extremely fortunate to be able to find a therapy which
allowed me to fully reach this place of healing, and my eternal gratitude goes out to those who have helped and accepted me, even as I was so
apparently broken and undeserving.

Our Western industrialised culture has no explanation for eczema, even as it, and other autoimmune diseases, reach more and more epidemic
proportions; we as sufferers are encouraged by non-sufferers and our fellows alike to just accept it as a fact of life, as if things just happen for no
reason. This is part of the old story, as Charles Eisenstein calls it that our Earth is just an accident in the vast expanse of uncaring, machine-
like Universe. And our own consciousness is merely an epiphenomenon, an accidental by-product of our meaningless and ultimately doomed
evolution. Or alternatively (the previous story which forms the root of the prevailing one), that our bodies are fallen and sinful and we must
punish and restrict ourselves in order to be redeemed in the eyes of the Lord, who may then grant us release from this prison and into a world of
pure Spirit, where nasty things like physical bodies and sex do not even exist.
People seem to accept the explanation of eczema as accidental, as having no known cause or remedy, because they are used to accepting a
great many things in this way. Items on the corporate television or radio news are presented free of context, as if there is no reason that these
terrible things happen its just more evidence that things are random and broken and the only thing we can do is fight for survival and give away
our liberty for the ever-more elusive security. It is undeniable to say that everything is impermanent and that death is the only certainty, but this is
in no way the same as affirming that the Universe is dead and meaningless and that we are separate alone and afraid in a world I never made.

What happens if we dont accept the old story? What happens if we try to find out why we are ill; what are the real causes: biological, emotional,
psychological, spiritual? Sometimes living with eczema feels like youre sitting on a volcano everything can be calm and then suddenly theres
an uprush of heat, of angry, destructive energy. Where is it coming from? Is it just random? Can it be released or even used in some way? Why
do some people experience this and others not at all? Why could I not eat even one piece of bread without making the eczema much worse and
yet someone else can eat five Big Macs and drink four litres of Coca Cola a day and not experience any obvious negative effects on their health?
(Of course they probably will further down the line if they keep up that diet, but thats another story).
I have noticed from various online support groups for eczema and related maladies that the overriding emotion is ANGER why me, why now,
why the hell am I going through this?! And it is hell, Hell on Earth to be suffering with severe eczema; it can destroy ones whole life if sufficiently
severe. You know you are not going to die from it but at times this is scarcely a consolation, in fact everyone knowing it is not terminal often
seems to make others think that you are overreacting to what is officially not a serious disease.
What I want to ask though is: what if anger itself was part of the cause of the eczema? Of course it is definitely a by-product as well, and all
sufferers know that getting stressed makes it worse, but what if that was in fact the root cause in some cases? So the question would then be:
how come babies can have eczema; is there any way that a baby can be angry? The answer is no of course, not in the conventional sense as
applied to adults, but if we look at what anger actually is it might give us a clue as to how this could happen (and please bear with me, I know I am
going out on a limb here, but I think its worth pursuing this line of thinking).
 The work of HR Giger often contains allusions to birth trauma

Anger is essentially blocked energy we want a thing and dont get it, we need to achieve something but it eludes us, and anger is the build up of
energy which allows us to force our way over the line it gives us courage; it is intrinsically linked to our power. It becomes toxic when repressed
(as our positive thinking culture so often ends up doing), but in its pure state, what is called anger is a great force for achievement, of breaking
through barriers. The work of Stanislav Grof has shown that the first great challenge of our physical existence is birth itself, and when I was
reliving my birth in the Holotropic Breathwork sessions, there was a great sense of hot, angry energy, such as would be experienced when
fighting ones way out of a physically restricted situation. This energy is needed during birth it seems, at least for some people and in reliving it,
my birth was experienced as a great struggle for freedom (Grof has also shown how political propaganda often uses the metaphors of restriction
and freedom, e.g. of being choked by an oppressor and the need to break free of them).
We can maybe speculate that somehow, for some reason (as apparently in my case), the birth was on some level never completed even
though of course it was physically the angry energy was never fully released and remained stuck within the body. This would have the effect on
the eventual formation of the personality of becoming someone who is easily frustrated, who feels they are not going to get their way, who feels
like everything is futile and who resents the world and people in general. Its like we have always seen the world through the prism of the
unresolved birth trauma and believe (because we have never seen it any other way), that the world is like that. As it happens those
characteristics were very much mine as a child as and a teenager, and I took it to mean that I was just naturally misanthropic and a loner who
people just didnt understand. I didnt actually have eczema until the age of ten but it is possible that it sometimes requires an external trigger or
particular situation for the eczema to start showing on the body.

So leaving behind for a moment the speculation as to why it may have happened in the first place after this sixth Holotropic Breathwork
session I was still suffering with eczema, but over the next few months it seriously calmed down. Within about six months (and a couple more HB
sessions), it was about 80% better. I was feeling massively grateful and happy that I had got this far, however that last 20% just wouldnt seem to
go away, and it was enough to still be affecting my life, especially when it appeared on my face, bringing up issues of ugliness and abandonment.

During this time I went to visit a Polish friend of mine in Andorra and she suggested I try some of the chlorella supplements she was taking to help
with some skin problems she had been experiencing (not eczema) she gave me a bag of them and I accepted, however without much hope that
they would have any effect it seemed like I had already tried pretty much every alternative remedy, supplement and vitamin out there and none
had really helped. Chlorella tablets are made from dried and compressed algae, somewhat like seaweed, as I understand it.

After about a week though of taking the chlorella tablets every day (and you have to take a lot at first), I did perceive enough of an improvement to
encourage me to continue. It appears that the chlorella has a positive effect on the digestion and possibly enables the release of residual toxins
from the digestive system which might otherwise escape into the bloodstream and cause eczema. (This is just conjecture and I must emphasise I
have absolutely no medical training or knowledge other than what I needed to actually make the eczema go away.)

So with the continued usage of the chlorella tablets the eczema diminished to about 10% of what it previously had been at its worst point, in fact
for stretches of days or even weeks I would be completely free of it, and I knew I was on the home straight at least for the time being. I kept up
with the relatively restricted diet, still completely avoiding wheat, alcohol and caffeine (a by-product of which was that I had more or less lost the
small pot belly I used to have probably down to not eating bread and drinking beer).

I would still have the odd flare-up though, and one of the facilitators at the Holotropic Breathwork suggested I try a food intolerance test as she
had been to a practitioner who offered this in a town not far from me. I decided it was worth a try and ended up being hooked up to a very strange
machine which seemed to come out of a 1950s sci-fi film. I was holding a sort of handle, joined to the main machine by a wire. The operator read
out a list of foods and vegetables one by one and after each one, the needle on the machine would move more or less depending on how
intolerant I was to each food. It also made a satisfyingly retro-space-age whine of varying volume depending on the supposed intolerance.

I was hugely sceptical and basically considered the recommendations I was given based on the output of this device as probably a load of
nonsense. However I did decide that it would be a bit of a waste of money if I didnt at least try to put them into practice, and they did have a
certain logic to them. I was supposedly intolerant to onions, peppers and peanuts, among other things; three of my favourite foods, and three
staples of the healthier diet I adopted when the big eczema flare-up began. So, with some difficulty I did manage to cut these things out of my diet
and to my amazement, that seemed to be the last piece in the jigsaw the remaining stubborn patches of eczema gradually disappeared and the
flare-ups became gradually gentler until they too stopped re-occurring.
So maybe about six months after cutting these things out of my diet I realised I was completely eczema-free on a day to day basis, and to my
immense gratitude and amazement I have remained so. A complete recovery is more than I could have hoped for, although of course I know that
if I changed my diet to a completely unhealthy one and really indulged in toxic patterns of thinking again, the eczema would come right back.
Fortunately there is just no desire to do that. I can have the odd beer or glass of wine now, or eat a white bread sandwich, and it will have no
effect on my skin; however I have no desire to go back to my old diet.
I find myself having a background of gratitude and a feeling of oneness which persists even while I might be feeling annoyed, excited or whatever
emotion is passing through. I am less quick to judge and more compassionate, especially for those suffering from eczema and similar issues. I
really want to hug every one of them and tell them to keep going, to keep searching for the reason why this disease has come into their life. I
have also become much more compassionate towards myself, recognising that the mistakes for which I had berated myself so viciously in the
past were understandable, given what I knew at the time, and that they can be left in the past.

Mandala drawn by me after a Holotropic Breathwork session in April 2014

I cant wrap my experience up into a prescription and give it to people (as much as Id like to) but the general principles of my journey to hell and
back might well be applicable to others. The feeling of abandonment, of separation from life itself, and thus from other humans seems to be at the
core of the experience of eczema and other autoimmune diseases, as Charles Eisenstein points out. Unresolved birth and other trauma makes us
hold on inside, both emotionally and physically, and creates the physical conditions within which eczema can develop. There may well be genetic
and other factors at play to explain why we get eczema rather than another disease, and in fact some of my experience may be applicable to
those suffering from other maladies. I know for example that Holotropic Breathwork has been very effective in curing people of asthma, which in
many cases also seems to be related to unresolved birth trauma obvious really when you think of it that birth, with so much potential for being
choked and suffocated, could cause a severe trauma related to breathing within the organism.

So in conclusion I would like to say to people with eczema: it is not incurable. You may have to turn all your beliefs about yourself and the world
inside out in order to find the remedy, you may have to totally change the diet of what you eat and what you think, you may even have to go right
into the centre of Hell, that place youve been avoiding all your life, but believe me, if this resonates with you and you decided to go down that
path, whatever it takes, it will be worth it. I truly believe that eczema, and illness in general, can indeed be a gift, and in the curing of it, we can
find out who we really are. As CG Jung said: The Wound is the Gift. Please dont take anyone elses word for it though rigorously follow your
own path and know that freedom is possible. If you need any help or non-medical advice, please do contact me.

I thought I would add a brief update related to my previous posts about becoming healed from severe eczema. These passages are adapted from
replies to people on the Eczema/Topical Steroid Withdrawal group on Facebook. Given the ephemeral nature of Facebook I wanted to save them
somewhere in case they might be useful to anyone in the future.

[In reply to someone experiencing a severe eczema/TSW flareup]. I think there are 3 things here: one is pure TSW which as you say, probably
did play a part in my experience, however I had had eczema pretty much my whole life up to then, and while it did get worse when I stopped the
steroids, I had had very bad flareups previously in life without having taken any TS drugs at all. For those with pure TSW my blog posts will not
be useful as its just a matter of waiting for the side effects to stop.

The second thing is if someone can cure it with diet only then that is much easier than having to go through hell like I did. As you can see, diet did
play a part in my healing but I still think it was relatively minor compared to the emotional/spiritual healing I went through with the Holotropic
Breathwork. However I think there will be cases where diet only will fix it, even though it might take a while and some fairly radical changes in
what is ingested.
Thirdly is the surrender, the giving up of control. I think paradoxically it may need a concentrated effort to understand what is going on and a total
determination to be free of the condition before one is able to surrender totally. Doctors will tell you that eczema is incurable I am pretty sure
that in most cases this is frankly bullshit. They just mean that with the resources and time they have they are unable to do anything about it.

But there is also a responsibility on our side. One very important book for me was Caroline Myss Why People Dont Heal and How They Can.
This challenges the reader to face the reasons why they might need to be ill usually to get sympathy, to be a special case, to not have to
take responsibility etc. She says that if there is a psychological need to be ill then the person will not heal because at some level they dont want
to. The desire to heal has to be greater than the desire for whatever benefits the illness apparently provides. To face this is extremely difficult
and unpleasant and I suspect many people reject this whole idea because subconsciously they dont want to be exposed.

Not saying of course that everyone who is ill needs to be ill on some level, but its worth recognising the possibility that this is what is going on.
Surrender often comes once these things are faced, but they can be very buried and require a great deal of digging into oneself to find them. But
if someone is determined to heal, and convinced they can, they will get there. Never believe it is hopeless, even though eczema is the greatest
way to feel 100% hopeless that I know of.

Ultimately the way we relate to the world, our cultural conditioning, is not congruent with nature itself, with our own inner nature (which is the
same as Nature as a whole of course), and so these autoimmune diseases appear in order to show us that something is wrong. The identification
with this whole conditioning can be questioned and ultimately, discarded. There is probably nothing harder to do in this world and also nothing
more worthwhile than this, so if any of this applies to anyone here, keep going! It may seem like the suffering is endless but I am convinced I am
not a special case and that anyone who is in a similar situation can heal as I did.

I have been eczema-free for about three years now and only get very slight patches if I am both very stressed and have been eating very
unhealthily. I am grateful for this because it reminds me to get back on track and start looking after myself again.

May all beings be happy and healed!

[In reply to someone caring for another person with eczema] Yes I had some very strange experiences, what apparently seemed to be past lives,
or shamanic initiations, however I dont really believe or disbelieve any of it, and in fact one doesnt need to. Its just stuff which comes up
during a healing crisis and if something needs to make itself known then it will do.

It does certainly appear that a person is born with a kind of blueprint (could also be called karma) however my ultimate peak experience was
one of transcending the personal entirely and realising that the notion of there being any separate person here is, maybe not an illusion entirely,
but certainly a completely relative phenomenon. Ultimately there is only ONE or rather NOT-TWO and we can in fact let go of all this apparent
karma upon realising there is no entirely separate person, or maybe we could say no peg to hang it all on.

All that may be irrelevant to someone healing or caring for someone else who is healing but in my case I saw that it was in fact the reason I got ill

in the first place to show me that the way I was living and relating to experience was wrong, or maybe better to say optional.