HOW TO FIND the

RIGHT PERSON
A STEP-BY-STEP GUIDE IN 90 DAYS
BAS
ED O

10
N

YEA
RS
OF M& MILLIO
ATCH NS
ES

BY
DAWN YANEK

BROUGHT TO YOU BY

INSPIRING MORE MARRIAGES

THAN ANY OTHER SITE
INTRODUCTION

T
here is someone wonderful out there right now, just hoping to
find you. Yes, you. We know that may be difficult to believe,
especially if you’ve been searching for a while with little luck or
if you agree with the 52 percent of single people recently
surveyed who think they’ll never find The One. Well, at
Match.com, we know better. You can meet the perfect person for you
sooner than you’d ever imagined with our 90-day guide to dating success.

This three-month plan isn’t just for a narrowly defined set of single people.
It’s for anyone who’s looking to get back in the game with a distinct
advantage—whether you’ve never been married, you’re newly divorced,
you’re a single parent, you’re straight or you’re gay, you’re over 50 and
starting over, or whatever your situation may be. We know that the process
may seem daunting, but don’t worry—you won’t be alone. We’ll be with
you every step of the way to help you figure out what’s been holding you
back and to show you how to take charge of your love life.

You may be asking yourself if now is the right time, and the answer is
absolutely, undeniably yes. Finding a happy relationship may be the most
important thing you ever do, but it doesn’t have to be a long, painful
process. We have the secrets for you to get exactly what you want quickly
and productively. With our knowledge in your hands, you can unlock the
door to your future happiness—after all, in just a few weeks, you’ll have
the master key. So what are you waiting for?

Dawn Yanek, author of Women’s Best-Kept Secrets and the former sex-and-relationships
columnist for Stuff magazine, currently works as a freelance writer and TV personality in
New York City. Like Match.com, Dawn firmly believes there is someone for everyone -
finding 'the one' is just a matter of expanding your possibilities.
MONTH #2
THE NEXT STEP:
MASTER THE ART
OF DATING

L
ast month you transformed your already terrific self into someone
who’s even more amazing, self-aware and confident. Now it’s time
for others to meet that wonderful person. And to do that, you
need to put yourself out there. Depending on when you were last
on the dating scene, you may notice some changes. In the last
ten years, the tech revolution has made online dating and e-mail
communication just as important to your social life as barhopping and
making that first phone call. The great news? In this case, change is a very
good thing, because finding and connecting with your perfect match is
now easier than ever. This month we’re going to help you look at dating in
a whole new way by expanding your options and letting you in on the
secrets of conversation and body language. So don’t just wait around for
love to find you—learn the new rules of the dating road and take one
more step toward meeting the right person.

MONTH2
1
 WEEK 5:
7 DAYS TO FINDING A GREAT DATE

F
or the next seven days, we’re going to put you in a variety of
different potential dating scenarios: Some will be familiar, and
some will be completely different than anything you’ve tried
before. The key is to meet as many new people as possible. Why?
Because, without question, that is the best way to maximize your chances
of finding The One. “Think about when you’re looking for a job: You talk
to friends, you go online, you go to seminars and networking functions. It’s
the same process for dating,” explains Bernardo Carducci, Ph. D., a
psychology professor at Indiana University Southeast. “The more arms you
have in your social-support network, the more likely you are to succeed.”
And at Match.com, success is exactly what we have in mind for you.

D AY 1 : TA P I N T O Y O U R N E T W O R K O F F R I E N D S
Remember those friends you’ve enlisted to keep you on the right path for
these 90 days and beyond? They can also be your lifelines to love. Before
you shake your head and worry about imposing, you should know that
quite a few of them may already have someone in mind for you but don’t
want to seem meddlesome. Another bonus? “Asking your friends for help
also shows them how important they are,” says Bonnie Jacobson, Ph. D.,
author of The Shy Single: A Bold Guide to Dating for the Less-Than-Bold
Dater. “You're telling them, ‘You’re a valuable person. I trust who you’d
pick as friends, and so I’d trust the choices you’d pick for me.’” And, come
to think of it, that’s not a bad way to phrase your request.

WEEK5
2
D AY 2 : TA K E A C L O S E R L O O K AT Y O U R F R I E N D S A N D A C Q U A I N TA N C E S
The perfect person may be right next to you—literally. That coworker
who’s a few cubicles over or that friend who comes over to watch The
Apprentice every week could be the perfect prospect for romance. How
can you tell? Well, it may be more than friendship if …

* You can picture yourself kissing this person.

* You both say that if you don’t meet someone else, you’ll probably end
up together.

* Whenever strangers see you together, they assume you’re dating.

To borrow a line from When Harry Met Sally…, this is the first person
* you want to talk to when you wake up and the last person you want to
talk to before you go to bed.

Before you dive in, consider the risks to your job and/or your friendship if
things don’t work out. If you do, however, decide that it’s worth it, try
these subtle tricks to see if there’s reciprocal interest:

* Joke around about the attraction. If your friend balks at the idea of
crossing the platonic line, you can always say that you were kidding.

* Talk in hypotheticals. For example, “If I could just meet someone like
you” or “If we were dating, I wouldn’t have this problem—we always
have fun together.” Gauge the other person’s response to see if
romance is a possibility.

* Get a little closer and be more touchy-feely.

If you’re not getting any red lights, seal the deal with a kiss. Talking about
your attraction first (and, most likely, analyzing it to death) can take you
out of the moment and make both of you second-guess the situation. A
well-timed kiss can speak louder than any words.

D AY 3 : A C C E P T T H AT I N V I TAT I O N T O H A P P Y H O U R O R A PA R T Y
Put yourself in the right place at the right time, and let serendipity step in.
When is that magical moment? Each and every time you have the
opportunity to do something. So go to that coworker’s cookout or to that
friend of a friend’s birthday celebration—and make opportunities for
yourself by regularly attending gallery openings or alumni-club functions.
You never know when lightning will strike, but chances are it won’t be
when you’re sitting at home alone with a pint of Ben & Jerry’s, watching a
Law & Order marathon.

WEEK5
3
 We know that it can be daunting to navigate your way through a crowd,
which is why it’s a good idea to go out with friends. The best wingman (or
wingwoman) isn’t necessarily single, but he or she is outgoing and
supportive of you. Here are a few ways to have fun and stay focused on
the task at hand:

* Make a bet with your friend on how long you can sustain a conversation
with someone new. The wager? The next round of drinks.

* Have your friend pick the next person you’ll talk to.
* Consult on what makes the best opening line…and try it out.
The idea is to have a good time while talking to as many people as
possible. You’ll form a better picture of who you’re looking for—and most
likely find some great dates.

D AY 4 : MAKE TECHNOLOGY WORK FOR YOU

You have an enormous advantage that daters didn’t have ten years ago,
and that’s the ability to meet millions of potential matches online. The
Internet has completely changed the way people meet and connect: “At a
social function, you might talk to 25 people before you meet someone you

“You can be specific in your search and say, ‘I like poodles,

softball and cooking’.” And instead of scoping out your
prospects in a smoky dimly lit bar, you can do a search for
people who share your interests.

connect with; but online you can minimize the trial-and-error process,”
says Carducci. “You can be specific in your search and say, ‘I like poodles,
softball and cooking’.” And instead of scoping out your prospects in a
smoky dimly lit bar, you can do a search for people who share your
interests. Another key benefit of online dating is that you can expand your
prospects past your everyday social circle—and that’s a huge advantage.

At Match.com we know quite a bit about introducing you to the right

people, since we have the highest success rate of any online-dating site in
the world. Just ask Mike from San Francisco: “I placed a search for women
who had ‘Boston Red Sox’ in their profiles, just for curiosity’s sake. And

WEEK5
4
 although Kristen lived in L.A. and I was in Studies show that 50
the Bay area, I let her know that another Sox
fan out west thought she was cute. We met percent of Americans
up three weeks after my initial e-mail—and are very shy, so in
got engaged last August. I am one of the
happiest people in the world right now, and any given situation,
this wouldn’t be possible without about half of the
Match.com—or the Red Sox.”
people involved are
D AY 5 : T RY S O M E T H I N G C O M P L E T E LY D I F F E R E N T
uncomfortable.
It may sound crazy, but you could find your
soul mate in a round of three-minute speed-dating. Or by passing a note
to someone at a “no talking allowed” quiet party. Or during pregame
mingling at a singles’ night hosted by your city’s basketball team. Check
out the meet-and-greet options in your local paper or online, and try
whichever one seems most appealing to you. But once you’re there, make
the most of the situation—and ladies, that means you, too. This is 2005,
and you can make that crucial first move. Doing something as simple as
asking someone a casual question—such as “Can you believe he made
that catch?” at a ball game—can get things started.

Regardless of your gender, this two-part tip will give you the courage to
strike up a conversation. First, know this fact: Studies show that 50 percent
of Americans are very shy, so in any given situation, about half of the
people involved are uncomfortable. Jacobson suggests employing this
strategy: “Find one person standing alone, and make it your job to help
the person feel like they don’t want to crawl through the floorboards.”
Taking the focus off of yourself helps you relax—and opens you up to the
people and possibilities around you.

D AY 6 : TA K E U P A S O C I A L H O B B Y
Talk about an instant bond. By signing up for an activity that you love,
you’ll surround yourself with people who share similar interests. Here are a
few suggestions:

* Take an improv, cooking, writing, or scuba-diving class or anything else

that interests you

* Join a softball league or a bowling team

* Get involved in your alma mater’s alumni association
* Volunteer for Habitat for Humanity or at a local soup kitchen

WEEK5
5
 Even if you don’t see any immediate dating prospects at the activity
you’ve chosen, stick with it if you enjoy it. You never know who could join
the group or what friends they may have who are perfect for you. If
nothing else, your new activity will help you become a more interesting,
happier person—and that will only help you in the long run.

D AY 7 : R E S T A N D E VA L U AT E
And on the seventh day, you can rest. Well, sort of. You’ve had a very
active week, but now you need to examine your dating adventures. To
help you with your analysis, complete the following sentences:

I had the most success at …

It worked well when I …

Next time I’d like to work on …

The three dating activities I’d

definitely like to try again are …

Out of the people I met, I am

going to try to connect with …

I was most attracted to people

who are …

Your answers will uncover what worked for you as well as further your self-
knowledge. See whom you were attracted to and how you acted in a meet-
and-greet situation; then cross-reference this information with your past-
relationship scorecard and your lists of needs and motives. Be honest
about your successes and shortcomings, and, with that subsequent self-
awareness, get back out there and start going on a few dates.

THE SECRETS TO WRITING AN IRRESISTIBLE

ONLINE PROFILE

A t Match.com we’ve seen time and time again how a strong online
profile has the power to catapult romance into motion or stop it
before it even starts. Think of your profile as an advertisement: You need a
catchy line to get people’s attention and additional information to make
them realize they just have to meet you. The following tips will give you
an edge over the competition.

WEEK5
6
RULE 1: BE UNIQUE
“Do a search of profiles and count how many times you read the same
things over and over,” says Brian Hicks, founder of the dating-advice site
weeklyscore.com. “You want to stand out from the crowd.” After all, you
are so much more than a “man looking for a nice woman” or a “woman
who’s looking for someone special.” Doesn’t that describe just about
everyone? Try this sentence-completion exercise to figure out how to focus
your profile:

I want people to see me as …

My favorite pastime is …

If I could do anything right

now, I’d …

I’d love a partner who …

Here are some enticing Match.com examples: “Renaissance man who

doubles as road-trip aficionado seeks distressless damsel for laughter and
love” and “Football fan needs a man.” Both of these headlines show a
glimpse of personality and humor. Inject your own personal flair, and you’ll
attract the right people for sure.

RULE 2: BE SUPERSPECIFIC
Instead of saying something generic in the body of your profile, such as “I
love to go hiking on the weekends,” Hicks suggests taking your potential
date on a virtual hike. For example: “There’s this great trail in Baltimore
County called Cunningham Falls. Right now the flowers are blooming, and
at the end of the mile hike, there’s a 70-foot waterfall. Maybe you could
join me sometime.” This mental photograph can make readers want to
take you up on the invitation.

RULE 3: C O N V E Y T H AT Y O U ’ R E R E A D Y T O M E E T T H E R I G H T P E R S O N
While you don’t want to seem desperate, you also don’t want to seem like
a player. After all, there’s nothing wrong with saying that you’d like
nothing more than to settle down with the right person. However, the
surest way to trip up at this point is to express bitterness, even in a joking
way. Statements such as “Do decent men still exist?” and “Do nice guys
always have to finish last?” are more telling than you may realize, and
those words can create a lasting negative impression. Instead stay positive
in your words and thoughts, and your wishes may be granted sooner than
you think.

WEEK5
7
Bonus tips!

* Create your profile with a single friend. You’ll have some laughs
crafting the best-possible profile, and you’ll both gain some much-
needed perspective.

* Use your spell check and proofread for grammar mistakes. If your
profile is riddled with errors, you will seem illiterate at worst and
careless at best.

* Use the word you at least three times to speak directly—and very
personally—to your potential date.

* Post at least one picture. Match.com lets you include the most of any
site, and research indicates that profiles with photos get 70 percent
more clicks than those that don’t. But avoid half-naked shots,
superfuzzy ones or anything in which you’ve cut out an ex. (Yes, it’s
always obvious.) Amanda caught Jamie’s eye on Match.com because of
her companion in the picture: a Siberian husky. “He has a Husky too,”
she explains, “and he said he had to e-mail me because Huskies shed
so much, and he couldn’t imagine a woman with patience for that!”
That simple photo started a flirtation that led to the altar.

WEEK5
8
MAKING TIME TO FIND THE ONE:
A SINGLE-PARENT CASE STUDY
T hink you don’t have time to
date? With a little creative
juggling, you absolutely do. Here’s
how one single mom manages to
carve out time for her and keep a
positive attitude.
“I still haven’t figured out how to
juggle four kids, two exes, work,
and dating, but at 47, I’m going
on my third time trying. Patience
and a good sense of humor are my
salvations. And luckily my last two
kids at home are 13 and 16, which
finally alleviates the babysitter
dilemma and lets me make time
for myself—to go out on a date,
take a bath or go shopping.
“I haven’t found the right man yet,
but I know he’s out there. It’s been
difficult because I just moved to
this town from California. So far
I’ve met a few good men on
Match.com, and I’ve also thought
about volunteering and going on a
singles’ cruise. Whenever I need to
get up my courage to go out, I’ll
put on some INXS, crank it up and
suddenly I feel like, ‘OK, I’m ready
now!’
“I’ve also learned to put things in
perspective: When I get down, I
look at women like Jane Fonda
and Oprah Winfrey. They’ve grown
spiritually as they’ve gotten older,
and I think to myself, Maybe these
experiences will make me a better
person and help me find a better
relationship.
WEEK5
9
3 Rules of 40-
Something Dating
Here’s how you can follow
Rochelle’s example, by looking
forward to the surprises that life
has to offer:
1. Reserve time for yourself
every week. Create a master to-
do list for the week on Monday,
and reward yourself for a job well
done with a weekend night out.
And plan ahead for that reward—
you’ll be less likely to back out if
you’ve hired a babysitter, enlisted
a friend to join you or said yes to
a date.
2. Stay positive. Your favorite
music can work wonders on a
flagging spirit, as can a reminder
that there is someone out there
for you. (Stick that message on a
Post-It in your wallet, or check
out the millions of possibilities on
Match.com!)
3. Maintain perspective. You
have a full, fascinating and
fantastic life—craziness and all.
Remember to appreciate and
enjoy it. Your enlightened,
relaxed attitude will only make
you sexier and more appealing.
“I just hope that I make it through this passage in my life with my sanity
still intact and meet the right someone to take that journey with me. In the
meantime I’ve got to run: The kids are fighting, the phone is ringing, the
dogs have gotten into the garbage again, and I’m supposed to go on a
date tonight!”

—Rochelle, 47, administrative assistant, Virginia

W H AT Y O U L E A R N E D T H I S W E E K :

* To maximize your chances of meeting

your match

* To utilize your social-support

network of friends

* To write an enticing online profile

* To stay positive about your dating
life by knowing that good things can
and will happen to you.

WEEK1
10
 WEEK 6:
5 STEPS TO A STRONG FIRST IMPRESSION

A
t Match.com we know that you already have the right stuff—you
just need to flaunt it effectively. “Research shows that people
make assessments during the first fraction of a second,” says Patti
Wood, a body-language expert and author of Success Signals.
“It’s a visceral response to how they feel around you. The more at ease you
are, the more comfortable they feel.” This week you’ll learn the secrets to
making an amazing first impression: what to wear, how to be confident in
any situation, how to broadcast the right body language, and how to make
that essential first move without freezing up. The following steps will change
your dating life forever.

STEP 1: D R E S S F O R D AT I N G S U C C E S S
If you’re not a style maven, don’t worry. “You want to create an overall well-
groomed appearance—and a pulled-together look always gets a positive
response,” says Judy Gordon, founder of The Trend Report website. But that
means something different for everyone—clean-cut, preppy, edgy, classic,
funky—so you need to think of yourself as a brand: Know who you are and

WEEK6
11
 what image you want to project. For example, if you’re a little rock-and-
roll, you shouldn’t don something that’s too country. Try this exercise to
get to the root of your style:

The word that best sums up

the look I want is …

I always get compliments

when I wear …

The one article of clothing

that best represents me is …

This represents who I am

because …

One or two trendy pieces can instantly update your core look. For
example, this season, women may want to accessorize with a gold purse, a
chunky turquoise bracelet or a Bohemian skirt, and men may want to
experiment with a leather jacket. The mainstream fashion magazines can
break this down for you easily and help you stay current. Don’t be afraid
to let your look evolve and to have fun with fashion—just make sure to
remain true to yourself.

STEP 2: FILL YOUR MIND WITH CONFIDENT THOUGHTS

The confidence-boosters you practiced in Month #1 not only helped get
you in the right mind-set—they also prepped you for meeting new people.
To reinforce your good work and to help you get even more comfortable in
your own skin, try the following exercise at home twice a day: Put your left
hand on your stomach while you breathe in deeply from your diaphragm to
a count of three, hold for three and then exhale for three. After each
breathing cycle (do at least five repetitions until you feel calm), repeat the
following affirmations to yourself:

* II am ready to meet my match tonight.

* I am a unique, interesting and lovable person.

* am confident, calm and collected.

This will get you in the right frame of mind before you go out, and it’ll
help you once you’re there: If you ever feel yourself tensing up, touch
your left hand to your stomach (in a subtle way, of course). “This is a
neurolinguistic programming technique,” explains Wood. “Your brain
associates your physical anchor—here, for example, touching your
stomach—with being calm and relaxed.”

WEEK6
12
STEP 3: SEND OUT THE RIGHT SIGNALS.
Have the object of your affections before hello. It’s not enough to simply
hang out with your friends and have a good time. The following body
language will broadcast a come-hither signal.

* Remain open to your surroundings. Whether you’re sitting or

standing, lean your body outward slightly. If you’re huddled together
with friends, a new person will feel like an intruder. Bonus tip: Take the
occasional solo trip to the bathroom or bar. As Wood says, “Think of it
as an antelope away from the pack.” Your separation from the group
encourages the positive kind of pouncing.

* Smile regularly. You may think that this goes without saying, but you’d
be surprised how many people forget to do this and accidentally
project a “stay away” message. A genuine smile also inevitably leads to
eye contact.
Embrace your gender roles. Men should keep their legs in a
* comfortable yet wide stance, broaden their shoulders and, basically,
take up space. This increases their confidence and encourages a
response in women. What can women do to elicit a similar primal
attraction? “Stand up straight to create an hourglass shape,” says
Wood. “Keep your legs together. It helps you take up less space also
makes you seem less threatening and more approachable.”
Show your palms. In primitive terms, this subliminal cue says that
* you’re harmless and won’t attack. Men are particularly guilty of messing
up this signal: When they’re nervous, they tend to put their hands in
their pockets. (Sound familiar, guys?) So next time, Wood suggests
trying this trick: “Put one nickel in your pocket and hold on to that. It’s
like a mini security blanket—it gives you a focus for all your tension.
Then use your other hand to gesture.”

STEP 4: PSYCH YOURSELF UP FOR THE FIRST MOVE

You know how it goes: You’re silently flirting up a storm when you're in a
group or at a distance, and then you freeze up when you’re face-to-face.
What should you do about your anxiety? Embrace it, according to Rebecca
Kiki Weingarten, a success life coach and cofounder of the Daily Life
Consulting website: “If you try to talk yourself out of it, you become
paralyzed. Accept what’s going to happen, and act in your best interests in
spite of uncomfortable feelings.” In order to do that, she suggests trying a
mental switch: “Think: I am excited, not nervous.” Since both anxiety and
excitement involve the same chemical reactions, you can trick yourself into
dispelling your anxiety. If you’re still feeling jittery, Weingarten says, “Fake

WEEK6
13
 it until you make it.” In other words, walk into the room like you own it.
And after doing that enough times, you’ll actually feel as confident as you
once pretended to be.

STEP 5: TA K E T H E R I S K
As they say, you’ve got to be in it to win it. So recognize that you need to
step up to the plate. Things get muddied, according to Wood, because
when we’re scared, we think about everything that could go wrong. To
adjust your attitude, Wood suggests the following: “Visualize being
successful—smiling, making eye contact, saying the right thing—and
imagine the other person’s response. If you rehearse this, it will feel real
and possible, and then that’s the script you’ll follow.” But don’t feel the
need to stick to the exact specifics of the script. Instead improvise from
the basics you’ve rehearsed so you don’t seem stilted, and be confident in
the possibilities that you’re creating for yourself. Now take a deep breath
and make that first move.

FOUR KEY WAYS TO BE AN

AMAZING CONVERSATIONALIST

You see dozens of people everyday who may be your perfect match—but
you’ll never know unless you talk to them. Conversation can be daunting,
but not if you know a few simple facts. “Small talk follows a specific
pattern; it’s not random,” explains Bernardo Carducci, Ph. D., author of
The Pocket Guide to Making Successful Small Talk. In fact, every first
conversation goes something like this: getting started, introducing
yourself, finding a topic, connecting and conversing, and ending the
conversation (and, in this case, hopefully making a date). With that in
mind, these tips will help put theory into practice.

TIP 1: FIGURE OUT YOUR OPENING LINE

“What you need to communicate is, ‘I’d like to talk to you,’” says
Carducci. “You don’t have to show how brilliant you are in an opening
line—that can come later.” Here are a few suggestions to get you started
with someone completely new:

* Say something that reflects your shared environment. Witty openers or

traditional pickup lines often sound better in your head than they do
when spoken, and they can make it seem like you’re trying too hard.
But if you talk about something you’re both experiencing, you’re

WEEK6
14
 starting a natural, casual conversation. For example, you could talk
about the long line you’re standing in or the weird painting on the wall.
If you’re at a baseball game, start with something specific, like: “Wow,
you’re brave to wear that Red Sox cap to Yankee Stadium.”

* For men only: “I just wanted to say that I was admiring how pretty you
are.” A simple, sweetly bashful comment can do wonderful things for
the female ego, as long as you don’t seem leering or predatory.

* Use the corniest line that you can think of—and then apologize for it
immediately. Many women we spoke to reported finding this oddly cute
and vulnerable.

* Say, “Hi.” Yes, sometimes it really can be that simple. “How are you
tonight?” is a perfectly acceptable follow-up.

TIP 2: P R E PA R E T O P I C S
We know that it can be disorienting to come up with sparkling
conversation in the moment, which is why you should prep some basics at
home. Jot down additional talking points for each of the following:

* Three current-events topics.

* Three
seen.
pop-culture topics, including at least one movie you’ve recently

* Three points of interest about the event you’re attending. (This would
work particularly well with the Yankees line above. You could follow
your opening line with an introduction, a brief comment about the
game and a question about how your companion developed that
affinity for the Red Sox.)

* Three light, fun stories about yourself or your adventures with your
friends.

The idea is to have a good reserve of topics, so that you’re able to quickly
search your memory in the moment. Just remember that this is still the
first conversation, so there are a few topics you shouldn’t discuss,
including:

* The tedious details of your job and how much you hate it.

WEEK6
15
 * Potential gross-out topics, like your recent bunion surgery or your dog’s
nasty habit of peeing on your rug.

* Your ex and any hostile feelings you may have about your last
relationship.

* Anything that could lead to a charged political debate.

* How stupid/annoying someone is.
* Sex and any sexual innuendos.
Keep it light, fun and enjoyable. That’s what will make the conversation
memorable … in a good way.

TIP 3: K E E P A C O N V E R S AT I O N G O I N G
A genuine conversation entails listening, responding in the moment and
gracefully segueing to new topics. Let’s go back to the Yankees scenario.
If your companion mentioned that she grew up in Boston and used to go
to Fenway Park with her grandfather, think about what you know about
those newly introduced subjects: Boston, Fenway Park and grandfather.
Maybe your brother went to school in Boston, or you used to play stickball
with your granddad. By weaving the threads of your past with your
prepared topics and your companion’s statements, you’ll be able to forge
a connection. The following guidelines will make sure that you’re
bantering back and forth, not rattling on:

* Keep your stories short.

* Follow up with questions like, “How about you?” and “Can
you believe … ?”

* Get your companion to do at least half of the talking, but don’t fire off
a series of questions. You want your companion to feel interesting, not
interrogated.

* Watch out for the pitfall of the favorite topic: “Bad small-talkers lock
into something—three-legged poodles, a previous relationship—but
they might be talking at somebody, not with somebody,” says Carducci.

WEEK6
16
 To avoid that, periodically stop and let the other person ask a question
or change the topic. If the subject shifts, don’t go back to it. That tiny
clue speaks a thousand words.

* Some adept segues to new topics include: drawing your attention to

something in your shared environment, or using transition phrases such
as “On another note, did you hear about …?” and “You know what that
reminds me of …?”

TIP 4: L E AV E ’ E M WA N T I N G M O R E
Even good things must eventually come to an end. You should end on a
high note, when conversation is cooking, and not feel obligated to keep it
going and going. Why? You may look desperate or pushy. Instead say that
you have to go, then thank your companion for the conversation and tell
him or her that you’d like to continue it at some other time. For example:
“I see my friend waving to me, but it’s been really great talking with you,
[insert name here]—even if you are a Red Sox fan. I’d love to continue the
debate over the phone or over dinner next week. What do you think?”
After you’ve exchanged numbers, go back to your friends, but continue to
make eye contact as you depart. Do that, and you’ll create a sense of
mystery and the feeling that you’re in demand, as well as convey that your
new companion made a big impact on you.

W H AT Y O U L E A R N E D T H I S W E E K :

* To make a strong impression through

appearance, self-confidence and the
right body language

* To take risks in the moment

* To start and maintain an interesting
conversation with someone new, with
the knowledge that all romances
have to begin somewhere—often
with a simple “Hello”!

WEEK6
17
CHECKUP TIME:
YOUR PROGRESS SO FAR

Use this checklist to track your accomplishments:

So far I have …

Expanded my dating horizons by trying at least four new meet-people

approaches
Written a brand-new online profile and posted updated pictures
Worked on making a strong first impression
Practiced my small-talk techniques on at least five new people

Fantastic. You’re doing wonderfully so far! Can you believe that 45 days
have already gone by since you started this dating plan? You’re halfway to
meeting The One, so don’t stop now. This month you need to go on as
many dates as you can, even if the person isn’t your 100 percent ideal
match. How many dates are we talking? A date a night is probably too
much (and one date a month is too little), so you should aim for hitting a
stride of one to two dates a week. By practicing your dating skills and
getting to know a spectrum of new people, you’ll lay the groundwork for
the second half of your adventure.

WEEK6
18
WEEK 7:
READING YOUR DATE’S SUBTLE SIGNALS
DECODING THE MYSTERIES OF BODY LANGUAGE

O
f course, once you pass one series of dating tests, you’re
faced with a whole slew of new ones. Next up: body
language. Lucky for you, we’ve devised the ultimate cheat
sheet, so you’ll be able to learn this “foreign” language

quicker than any other you’ve tried to learn before. But before you get
started, Lillian Glass, Ph. D., author of I Know What You’re Thinking: Using
the Four Codes of Reading People to Improve Your Life, says, “You need
to stop, look and listen. Look for what is, not what you want things to be.”
Here’s the secret code that will tell you whether your date is hooked—or
whether you should cut bait and invest your time and energy elsewhere.

If there’s interest, the object of your

affection will …

* Be bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. Above and beyond simple eye

contact, “the eyes will open wider, the eyebrows will rise, and the
person will lean toward you,” says Glass. In short: Alertness equals
interest. Looking over your shoulder or checking a BlackBerry
repeatedly does not.

Primp and preen. Whether it’s a woman twirling her hair or fidgeting
* with her jewelry or a man adjusting his collar and smoothing out his

WEEK7
19
 shirt, explains Glass, this primitive grooming behavior is the equivalent
of a big neon sign that says, I think I like you, and I wouldn't mind if
you touched me, too!

* Exhibit “submissive” behavior. Regardless of gender, this signifies

vulnerability and approachability. “What we call submissive signals show
that you mean no harm,” explains David Givens, Ph. D., author of Love
Signals: A Practical Field Guide to the Body Language of Courtship.
The surefire ones include lifted shoulders, an inward rotation of the feet
(also unromantically called pigeon toes) and the forehead bow. The
latter is demonstrated when a woman glances downward and then looks
up at you from underneath her eyebrows. Just think about any look that
Carmen Electra gives to the camera—those bedroom eyes send a very
clear, very welcoming message.

You may want to move on if the object

of your affection …

* Doesn’t have his or her feet facing you. The eyes may be the
windows to the soul, but, surprisingly, the feet are the telltale indicators
of interest. “It’s all in the toes,” says Glass, “because if they’re not
pointed in your direction, the person is leaning away from you.”

* Uses palm-down gestures. Givens points out that political pundits,

teachers and bosses often use this aggressive gesture: “A hands-down
motion is usually a power play, not a sign of courtship.”

* Isanda softer,”
loud talker. “When there’s interest, the speech pattern is breathier
says Glass. “If people talk too loud or don’t have a gentle
tone, they’re exhibiting alienating behavior and are probably not
interested.”

BONUS TIPS: Increase interest—fast!

* On a first date: If you’re seeing these signs of interest and you want to
take things to the next level, subtly mirror the other person’s behavior.
For example, put your fork down, take a sip of wine or play with the rim
of your glass when your date does. “Doing the same thing is called
isopraxism,” explains Givens. “The same means safe to the animal
brain, so this makes the other person feel closer to you.”

* For a second date: If your early interaction has gone well, up the ante
by going on an active date, maybe horseback riding or to an

WEEK7
20
 amusement park. Says Given, “If you experience excitement, which is
due to adrenal-gland stimulation, when you’re together, your brain
attributes it to your partner.” In other words, that rush of excitement
gets credited to you. Use that to your advantage.

* Ifpositive
things aren’t going well: Lean forward, smile more and mimic all the
signs listed above. If the other person’s behavior doesn’t
change, it’s probably time to look elsewhere.

Decoding a Disappointing Night Out

OK, so you went out last night and it didn’t quite go the way you’d
planned. Don’t worry; instead learn a little something. Here are some
common bumps in the road, why you may have experienced them and how
you can ensure success the next time around.

What went wrong: You thought you were really connecting, but the
* other person didn’t want to exchange numbers.

Why it happened: A variety of factors could have caused this, so look

* back and reevaluate your interaction. Start by asking yourself:

Were we having a successful two-way conversation, or was it more

one-sided?

Did I ignore a key body-language clue?

Did I miss a piece of evidence, like a statement that indicated that

the person was already involved with someone?

It’s easy to fantasize about the future with someone who seems so right,
but in order to have a successful future, you need to take an honest look
at what’s happening in the here and now.

What to do next: Be more attentive in your everyday life, and practice

* your small-talk skills with a variety of people—the cashier at the deli, a
friend’s sibling—not just those you’re attracted to. Carducci says, “It’s
just like a golf swing or your tennis game. You don’t just practice on
the day of a big match.”

What went wrong: You went to a party and didn’t click with anybody.
*
Why it happened: Perhaps there was no one clickable at that particular
* social event. This does happen, so don’t get discouraged. Regardless,
it’s still important to evaluate the night: Was that the case, or were you
sending out the wrong signals or being too picky? The key is to be
brutally honest when identifying the likely problem areas.

WEEK7
21
 What to do next: Flip back to your work from Month #1, use one of
* the confidence-boosting techniques right now and look at the dating or
socialization weaknesses you discovered in yourself. People often revert
back to their self-conscious selves—and that’s what you want to avoid.
And a special note for the ladies: If you cringe at the thought of
making the first move, try that getting-comfortable-with-the-
uncomfortable exercise. On your next night out, your assignment is to
start a conversation with a man you find attractive. It may be scary, but
it will be exhilarating and definitely worth it.

What went wrong: You met someone online who seemed promising,
* but you didn’t have any chemistry when you met in person.

Why it happened: Online, things can get very intimate very quickly.
* Why? You can focus on conversation, wit and personality without the
added distractions of how your hair looks, whether you said something
silly (and couldn’t take it back) or if you’ve got spinach stuck in your
teeth. When you’re suddenly face-to- face, things can get awkward and
you can become self-conscious. Another possibility is that you let your
expectations get the better of you, assuming that if you gelled online,
it would be fairy-tale perfect when you met in person.

What to do next: If you really thought you had a good thing, give it
* another try. Familiarity breeds comfort, and you can try to recapture
what appealed to you over e-mail. If, however, the second date doesn’t
ignite the sparks that once flew between your computers, look at this
as a lesson in expectation management. From now on, think of initial
online conversations as friendly flirting at a bar. You think there’s
interest, so you’re going on a date and seeing what happens next—not
popping into City Hall to get married on your way home.

WEEK7
22
BONUS!

C H A RT Y O U R WAY T O D AT I N G S U C C E S S
Fill out the following scorecard for your dates this month to identify any
recurring patterns and to help keep you on track.

What did I think when we

first met or chatted online?

Was my first impression

accurate?

Was there another date?

If so, how did it go?

If not, why?

What would I like to happen

next between this person
and me?

W H AT Y O U L E A R N E D T H I S W E E K :

* To read your date’s body language

and see if there’s genuine interest

* To up the ante with your own body

language and take things to the
next level

* To figure out what happened when

a date doesn’t go as you’d
planned—and learn from the
experience

WEEK7
23
WEEK 8:
TAKING YOUR SUCCES TO THE NEXT LEVEL
UNDERSTANDING THE NEW RULES OF DATING

OK
– what’s the next step in dating success? You’ve got to know
the new rules of dating. And at Match.com we know that they
boil down to this essential question: Are you coming on too
strong or not strong enough? It’s all about balancing the scales of interest,
according to Steven Sacks, a dating coach and author of The Mate Map.
“When one person appears much more interested than the other, the
second person may well back away. You have to be careful of this,
especially in the first weeks of a relationship.” Take this quiz to figure out
what kind of impression you’ve been making on dates and how you can
tailor your actions for success.

1. You’ve just been on a date with someone you really like. What do
you do next?

A) When you get home, you leave a cute message on your date’s voice
mail.
B) You send an e-mail the next day.
C) You call after two days.
D) You call or e-mail no sooner than three days and no later than a
week.
E) You send flowers to your date.

A, B or C. This is the first big test of a fledgling relationship, and your

actions will be judged accordingly. Generally speaking, men are still
expected to make the first post-date contact. (Sorry, guys!) The most
significant form of communication is a lengthy phone call, so it’s best to
wait a few days for that. E-mail is more casual, so you can send a short
personalized “Thanks for a great night” message sooner; same goes for

WEEK8
24
leaving a voice mail when you’re pretty sure that your date won’t answer.
But it’s a safer bet to follow up an e-mail with a call on the night of the
second day. That shows you’re interested and that you’re not playing
games by abiding by the infamous wait-three-days rule (even if you may be
playing a little one here). Any later than three days and women have usually
already talked themselves out of liking you. As for flowers? Too much too
soon. Hold off on any big romantic gestures until at least the third date.

2. Check all that apply: On a first date, it’s OK to talk about …

A) General points of interest.

B) Your past relationships.
C) Sex, but in a subtle, innuendo sort of way.
D) Anything that comes up.

A. “Keep the conversation light, fun and flirtatious,” says Rachna Jain,
Psy.D., a Maryland-based psychologist and relationship coach. “You can talk
about your past in a general way after the fourth date, but save the heavy,
deep stuff for later on—when you’re both certain this is leading somewhere
and you trust each other.” The great thing about these first-date topics is
that you can prepare them ahead of time, just like you did with your more
general-conversation starters. That said, don’t be too tied to a script. “It’s
best when you’re so comfortable that you’re able to joke around and talk
about things that have no apparent point—a shop sign, a loose thread,
movie quotes, nostalgic pop culture, whatever,” says Joel, 33, a Web
developer in Cleveland. “Instead of having a textbook-polite conversation,
it’s like you’ve known each other for a long time.” To keep yourself from
overthinking what you’re going to say, repeat this statement to yourself: My
date is an enjoyable companion for tonight, not necessarily the rest of my
life. By taking the pressure off the situation, you’ll be able to relax and
start getting to know if this relationship can go the distance.

3. If your date brings up a topic that you have little interest in, you …

A) Pretend you’re interested; you don’t want to seem incompatible.

B) Listen and see if you can develop some interest in it.

C) Change the subject.

D) Be honest with your date and say that you have no interest in this
particular subject.

WEEK8
25
B or C. Remember: Stay true to yourself. By pretending that you’re
compatible in every way, you lose your individuality and, ultimately, your
credibility. But you never know: You could learn something new or find a
fresh area of interest. And, as 27-year-old Matt, a plastic surgeon, says:
“Different personalities are better: adventurous people can find stability,
and stable people can find adventure.” If, however, you’re bored to tears
or feel like you’re not participating in the conversation, you have the
opportunity to change things with a well-timed trip to the restroom, an
interrupting waiter or any of the conversation segues we mentioned
earlier.

4. When do you move in for a first kiss?

A) After the first date.

B) After the third date.

C) Whenever it seems right, whether it’s the first date or the sixth.

D) I wait for my date to make the first move.

A or B. “There should be a kiss on the lips by the end of date three,” says
Sacks. “It shows that you have some level of physical attraction.” Date one
is OK for a guy to make the move if he’s getting the right signs (generally
speaking, tradition still stands here, too): Has your date touched your arm
or knee? Or did she respond positively when you casually touched her?
Have you been leaning into each other and getting very, very close? If so,
the stage has been set. Now it’s up to you to take advantage of the
moment.

5. Check as many as apply: In the first month of dating, it’s OK to talk

about the future in terms of …

A) The plans you’re considering for yourself.

B) Something you’d like to do with the other person in the near future.

C) Something you’d like to do with the other person in the distant

future.

D) Introducing your date to your friends and family.

A or B. Keep things in the here and now. You are coming on way too
strong if you start making plans for your next big vacation, you’re batting
around baby names or you suggest introducing your date to your family
anytime soon. Regardless of your psychological motivations for this (you’re

WEEK8
26
insecure and want reinforcement, you’re subconsciously trying to drive the
other person away or you’re simply being impulsive), it may scare off your
date—or cause the opposite effect and make him or her throw caution to
the wind. Neither is desirable at this point since you don’t really know
each other. Instead limit your future time frame to the next two weeks.
“Getting tickets to a concert the person mentioned is a good short-term
idea, because it shows that you were listening and keeps things going,”
Sacks says. “But if the concert is six months from now, don’t buy the
tickets—or buy them, but don’t tell the other person yet.” If you’re still
dating in six months, you will get major kudos for being a big, old
romantic. If not, take a friend and have a blast.

3 Ways You Sabotage Yourself—and How to Stop

e’ve all heard (and probably said) that horrible phrase: “It’s not you,
W it’s me.” Well, you know what? Sometimes it’s actually true. Even
though we say we want a happy, successful relationship, we often do
things to ensure that we don’t have one. Pat Love, Ed. D., author of How
to Ruin a Perfectly Good Relationship, provides some insights into
common self-destructive behavior—and how to counteract it.

A C T O F S A B O TA G E # 1 : Y O U C O N T I N U E T O B E D R AW N T O P E O P L E W H O
AREN’T GOOD FOR YOU.

THE FIX: “Appoint a board of directors, a group of friends who you give
permission to be honest with you,” Love advises. “Give them your list of
what you want in a partner and consult them to make sure your date fits
your criteria—or that you’re not giving up on someone too soon.” By
recognizing this habit and getting your friends help, you’ll stay on course
and put yourself that much closer to finding The One.

A C T O F S A B O TA G E # 2 : Y O U P U L L AWAY A S S O O N A S Y O U T H I N K Y O U
M I G H T R E A L LY L I K E S O M E O N E .

THE FIX: Pulling away can come in a variety of forms—not returning a

phone call, stopping the friendly flirtation at the water cooler or
convincing yourself that you’re better off as friends—but the key is
identifying and understanding your behavior. Ask yourself, “What do I
most fear about getting close to this person?” Then calm yourself down
with the neurolinguistic-programming technique we mentioned earlier:
Touch your stomach, do some deep breathing and forge ahead. After all,
as they say, “No pain, no gain.”

WEEK8
27
A C T O F S A B O TA G E # 3 : Y O U ’ R E S O C O N S U M E D B Y T H E R O M A N C E O F
T H E N E W R E L AT I O N S H I P T H AT Y O U D R O P E V E RY T H I N G E L S E T O S P E N D
A L L Y O U R T I M E W I T H Y O U R S W E E T H E A RT.

THE FIX: If you hear yourself saying, “I’m so in love, I can’t even see
straight,” enjoy the excitement. Then take a step back, and refocus with
your 20-20 relationship vision. Remember: No matter how in love you think
you are, you still need to maintain your individuality and truly get to know
someone in these early stages. Love suggests posing this question to
yourself, “If you take away sexual attraction, chemistry and euphoria,
would you still be hanging out with this person?” If not, that’s a red flag.
Sexual attraction and excitement are important steps on the road to love
and attachment, but you want to make sure that you’re also keeping your
needs in mind too. That way you’ll find the person who’s truly right
for you.

W H AT Y O U L E A R N E D T H I S W E E K :

To understand the new rules of

dating
* To figure out if you’re coming on too
strong or not strong enough—and
* how to adjust your behavior for
success

To recognize when you’re sabotaging

yourself and your new relationship
* and how to stop.

WEEK8
28
Don’t Pass Go Just Yet!

B efore you can move on to the final step of this dating program, you
have to make sure you’ve done all you can to expand your dating
horizons and get to know as many new people as possible. Check off your
progress below, and if you’ve missed a step, go back and complete it now.

Have you …

* Put yourself in a variety of different dating situations?

* Learned how to make a strong first impression?

Become fluent in body language?
* Created
* date? an inventory of hot topics for a first conversation and a first
Been out on at least four dates this month?
* Figured out if you’ve been coming on too strong or not strong
* enough—and altered your behavior?

If so, then you have successfully mastered the skills necessary to be a

great dater! If you haven’t yet found someone special, review and brush
up on the lessons above—and make some more connections. And if you
have found someone you really like, you may be ready to embark on a
more serious relationship. Next month we’ll show you how to:

* Figure out if you’re truly compatible with your new love interest

* Set the pace for a successful relationship

* Sidestep early-relationship traps

* Find long-term happiness and love!

That’s right—next month you’ll figure out exactly who’s right for you and
learn the secrets of long-term success. Because at Match.com we know
that a happy, healthy and exciting relationship is just a click away!

WEEK8
29