Professional Documents
Culture Documents
Hogwarts Rules
Hogwarts Rules
I will not poke Hufflepuff’s with spoons, nor will I insist that their house
colours indicate that they are “covered in bees”.
2. No matter how good a fake Australian accent I can do I will not imitate
Steve Irwin during Care of Magical Creatures class
4. “I’ve heard every possible joke about Oliver Wood’s name” is not a
challenge.
8. I will not use Umbridge’s quill to write “I told you I was hardcore”.
11. If a classmate falls asleep, I will not take advantage of that fact and draw
the Dark Mark on their arm.
14. I will not start every potions class by asking Professor Snape if today’s
project is suitable for use as a sexual lubricant.
16. I will not claim Chick Tracts are an accurate presentation of Muggle life.
20. I will not call the DADA teacher Kenny, even if he is wearing an orange
anorak.
24. I will not place anything by Silver Ravenwolf on the library shelves.
25. Tricking the school house elf into stripping does not mean they are now
mine even if I yell “Owned!”
28. I am allowed to have a toad, rat, cat, or owl. I am not allowed to have a
reticulated python, snow leopard, Tasmanian devil, or a piranha.
33. I will stop asking the Arithmancy teacher what the square root of -1 is.
36. I will not change the password to the prefect’s bath to “Makes getting
clean almost as much fun as getting dirty”.
37. There is no such thing as an Invisibility Thong.
39. Asking “How do you keep a Gryffindor in suspense?” is only funny the
first time.
43. It is a bad idea to tell Professor McGonagall she takes herself too
seriously.
44. I am not to Owl copies of the Evil Overlord List to suspected Death Eaters.
46. I will stop asking when we will learn to make “Love Potion Number Nine”.
47. I will not ask Dumbledore to show me the pointy hat trick.
48. I will not teach the first-years to sing “A Wizard’s Staff Has A Knob On The
End”.
49. If Ginny Weasley wanted to borrow my Darkover books, she would have
said so already.
50. I will not take out a life insurance policy on Harry Potter.
52. Sirius Black did not found the Sirius Cybernetics Corp.
55. Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab does not sell potions ingredients and I will not
resell their products as “Veela Pheremones”.
56. I will not refer to Kingsley Shacklebolt as a “Big Black Sex Auror”.
60. I am no longer allowed to use the words “pimp cane” in front of Draco
Malfoy.
61. It is generally accepted that cats and dragons cannot interbreed and I
should not attempt to disprove this theory no matter how wicked the result
would be.
63. Using the Engorgio charm on certain parts of the human anatomy is not
permitted on school grounds, not even for entertainment purposes.
65. A wand is for magic only, it is not for picking noses, playing snooker, or
drumming on desks, no matter how bored I become.
70. Novelty or holiday themed ties are not to be worn with my school
uniform.
71. I will not use my socks to make hand puppets of the Slytherin house
mascot.
72. When fighting Death Eaters in the annual June battle of Good v. Evil, I will
not lift my wand skyward and shout “There can be only ONE!”.
73. I should not refer to DADA professors as “canaries in the coal mine”.
74. I will not say the phrase “Dude, get a life.” to Lord Voldemort.
75. I will not put books of muggle fairy tales in the history section of the
library.
76. There is not now, nor has there ever been, a fifth house at Hogwarts. And
I am not a member of that house, nor am I its founder.
79. I will not tell Professor Trelawney that I foresaw her death.
81. Calling the Ghostbusters is a cruel joke to play on the resident ghosts and
poltergeists.
82. If asked in class what the Avada Kedavra curse does, yelling “It Does
DEATH!!” may be correct but it is not the manner in which one should
answer.
83. I am not allowed out of my dorm when visitors from the Ministry are here.
84. I am not allowed to lock Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy in a closet to see if
hot gay sex will occur.
85. Ravenclaw’s do not find a sign saying “The library is closed for and
indefinite time period” amusing in any sense.
86. I will not attempt to recreate the Key to Time in Transfiguration class.
87. A time turner is not a flux capacitator, and I should therefore not install
one in any Muggle cars.
90. If the thought of a spell makes me giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I am
to assume that I am not allowed to do it.
91. I will not claim my X-Files tapes are “Auror Training Videos”.
hand and announce “These are not the droids you are looking for”.
97. I will not claim there is a prequel to Hogwarts: A History that explains
about Bilbo Baggins.
99. I will not, under any circumstances, ask Harry Potter who died and made
him boss.
101. I am not allowed to refer to Susan Bones, Hannah Abbott and Justin
Finch-Fletchley as Blossom, Buttercup, and Bubbles.
102. I will not cast the occasional Obliviate spell on Dumbledore, even if it
would be amusing.
104. I will not lock the Slytherins and Gryffindors in a room together and take
bets on who will come out alive.
105. I will not give Hagrid Pokemon cards and convince him they are real
animals.
106. I will not teach the house elves to impersonate Jar Jar Binks.
107. I will not sing The Badger Song during Hufflepuff-Slytherin Quidditch
matches.
108. I will not tell first years that they should build a tree house in the
Whomping Willow.
109. I will not douse Harry Potter’s Invisibility Cloak with lemon juice to see if
he will become visible wearing it and standing near the fire in the common
room.
110. I will not tell first years that Moon Prism Power is a basic Transfiguration
spell.
111. I will not yell “Believe it… or not!” after any of Dumbledore’s speeches.
112. Bringing fortune cookies to Divination class does not count for extra
credit.
113. My name is not “The Dark Lord Happy-Pants” and I am not allowed to
sign my papers as such.
116. I will never ask Harry if his scar senses are tingling.
117. Voldemort is not Ganandorf, and the Triforce is not hidden in Hogwarts.
118. I will not sing the entire Multiplication Rock series during Arithmancy
exams.
119. I will not charm the suits of armour to do a rendition of “Knights of the
Round Table” for the Christmas feast.
124. I will not wear my DEATH EATER AND PROUD OF IT! shirt to school.
127. I am not allowed to introduce myself to the first years as Tim the
Enchanter.
128. I am not Xena: Warrior Princess and I shall not use war cries to signal my
entrance into any classroom.
129. I will not try and start Naked Thursdays in the Common Room.
131. I will not steal Gryffindor’s sword from Dumbledore’s office and use it to
patrol the hallways.
132. I am not allowed to sing my own personal spy music while wandering
the hallways.
133. I am not allowed to begin each Herbology class by singing the theme
song to “Attack of the Killer Tomatoes”.
134. I will not teach the first years to play “The Penis Game” in the Great Hall
during dinner.
137. It is a bad idea to tell Professor Snape he takes himself too seriously.
138. I will not tell the first years that Professor Snape is the Voice of God.
139. I will not dress up in a Dementor suit and use a Dustbuster on Harry’s
lips to get him to do what I want.
142. “To conquer the earth with an army of flying monkeys” is not an
appropriate career choice.
143. I will not sing “We’re off to see the wizard” when sent to the
Headmaster’s office.
145. It is not necessary to yell “Burn!” everytime Snape takes points from
Gryffindor.
146. “Y’all check this-here shit out!” is not an appropriate way to announce
that you are about to perform an experimental spell.
147. I will not hold my wand in the air before casting spells and shout “I have
the power!”
148. I am not the King of the Potato People and I do not have a flying carpet.
149. I will not tell Sir Cadogan that the Knights Who Say Ni have challenged
him to a duel and then have students yell “Ni” from various directions.
150. Getting everyone in the Great Hall to do the Time Warp will not earn me
any house points.
151. I will not teach the front doors to recognise Filch and not let him in.
152. I will not give Voldemort a toupee to hide his baldness.
153. I am not allowed to tell first years that there is a playground in the
forbidden forest.
155. Singing ‘pop goes the weasel’ when Professor Dumbledore is giving a
speech is not permitted.
156. I will not introduce Slytherins to ‘my pet dog Fluffy,’ no matter how
tempting it is.
157. Shouting ‘How COULD you betray me like that?’ whenever Snape
removes house points is forbidden.
158. I will not steal veritaserum from Snape’s store and add some to the
teacher’s morning tea.
160. I must not convince first years that the new password to Gryffindor
tower is ‘Petrificus Totalus’ and must be said with their wands pointed at
themselves.
161. I will not tell Professor Trelawney that my teacup says she’s lying.
164. A bludger is not a bowling ball, and Professor Snape is not a bowling pin.
I will not attempt to prove otherwise.
169. I must stop telling 1st years about the time the Hogwarts Christmas tree
ate a student
171. Telling Draco Malfoy to 'Make like a ferret and bounce' is always a bad
idea.
172. I will not start singing and dancing in the middle of a class and blame
that someone put the Imperious Curse on me.
173. I must not throw Hermione’s Hogwarts: A History out the window and
then claim that it wanted freedom.
174. I must not leave shampoo on Professor Snape’s desk with directions on
how to use it.
175. I will not tell first years that the best way to study is to stay up all night
balancing your textbook on your head, as gravity will cause the information
to sink through the skull and into the brain.
176. I will not take a hippogriff to the Summer Olympics to get an unfair
advantage at the Equestrian competitions
177. I will not use magic to change test questions into those I can answer
178. The proper way to report to my Teacher is “Yes, Sir” not “You can’t
prove a thing!”
180. When I see Professor Umbridge, I will not say, “There you are, Trevor.
Neville has been looking all over for you.”
181. I will not tell Snape he is emo/goth just because he likes wearing black.
182. Harry Potter is not my 'Protection Shield' to carry around to ward off evil.
187. I will not tell Filch that he needs to bathe once in a while.
190. I will not hand out slips of papers asking students to answer the
following question: Do you think Snape is evil?
191. I will not make a 'Too sexy for my shirt' slideshow full of Snape pictures
and show it during all of my classes.
192. I will not tell the first years, who are waiting to be sorted, that in order to
be sorted, you must confess your deepest secrets aloud while wearing the
hat.
193. The "I Hate Snape" Club is not a valid after-class activity.
194. Making Harry Potter action figures without his permission is wrong.
195. I will not tell Grawp that "Hermy" will give him a kiss if he eats certain
198. I will not attempt to set up a satellite dish on the Astronomy Tower
200. Yes, the Great Hall is extremely large, but Quidditch is an outside sport.
201. I will not demonstrate how to juggle using two Bludgers and the Snitch
202. I will not enter the great Hall running and yelling “We’re gonna Die”
each time Snape comes to a meal.
203. I will not make farm animal noises in the back of Care for Magical
creatures
204. I will not tell first years that divination is their 5th sense
205. Looking after a virtual pet is not a way to gain extra marks in care for
magical creatures.
206. In the annual battle between death eaters and Hogwarts I will not sing
“99 death eaters alive in the war, 99 death eaters alive. You shoot a spell
they hit the ground. 98 deaths eaters alive in the war” as we fight.
207. Harry does not wish to wear a tutu to lunch and I should not make him.
208. I will not put black circles over Harry’s lenses and tell him he has gone
blind. No matter how funny it could get.
209. I will not sing “ebony and Ivory” whenever I see Dean and Seamus
together.
211. I will not post notices in common rooms saying that tomorrow is a theme
day,
212. “Another one bites the dust” is not a song to sing during quidditch
matches.
213. The first few lines of Mama by MCR is not the best song to be singing
during first year sorting,
214. I will not tell students singing the fat Albert theme song is a way to gain
extra points on potions
215. I will not laugh at Sirius if he changes his middle name to 'Lee'.
217. I will not offer Crabbe and Goyle a cupcake with Veritiserium.
218. I will not make fun of Harry and his 'Potter Senses Tingling'.
220. I will not cast 'Petrificus Totalus' on myself in order to avoid going to
classes.
222. All's fair in love and war" is not an official rule of Hogwarts
223. I will not attempt to confuse Crabbe and Goyle by calling them by each
other's names.
224. Even if I myself to do not believe in it, I will respect that the school
observes daylight savings time.
226. Mr. Weasley's flying car is not to be taken apart piece by piece and
rebuilt inside Snape's classroom
227. I will not tell the Ravenclaws that they're basically useless because
Hogwart's smartest student is in another house
228. It is not appropriate trade first years between houses.
229. I will not tell first years that "any true wizard or witch" can see Thestrals,
and that if they can't they "obviously aren't cut out for this school".
232. The song "Ding Dong, The Witch is Dead" is never, ever appropriate.
233. "Springtime for Voldemort" is not an acceptable suggestion for the class
play.
234. I will stop pasting happy face stickers on Snape's office door
235. Hagrid's skin is not green and I should stop calling him 'The Jolly Green
Giant.'
237. Teaching first years to chorus in unison "The amazing bouncing ferret"
whenever they hear the name Draco Malfoy is just wrong, funny, but wrong.
238. Bungee jumping off the astronomy tower is against the rules, even if it
isn't written anywhere.
242. Saying the Dark Mark should be the Slytherin Crest is wrong.
243. When Death-Eaters are attacking Hogsmeade, I shall not point at the
Dark Mark and shout "To the Bat Mobile, Robin!"
244. "Ya'll check this crap out!" is not an aprropriate way to announce that I
am about to conduct an expirimental spell
245. Should I chance to see a Death Eater wearing a white mask, I should not
start singing anything from The Phantom of the Opera.
246. I will no longer wear a hood, walk up to Harry, and claim to be his real
father.
247. I will not tell Professor Trelawney that I had a vision of her killing the
Dark Lord.
249. Mad-Eye Moody knows his eye is creepy, he does not need to be told...
again.
250. Despite popular belief, Hufflepuffs are not soft and squishy. Do not treat
them as such.
251. I am not allowed to predict the end of the world more than once.
252. I will stop substituting Professor Lupin's Wolfsbane with Polyjuice Potion
containing hairs from Mrs. Norris.
253. Regardless of the beautiful irony, I will not hang a tempting piñata from
the Whomping Willow.
254. I will not attempt to graft a transplant from the Whomping Willow onto
the Hogwarts Christmas Tree in Herbology class.
255. I will not try to make a new basilisk for the Chamber of Secrets
260. Telling Umbridge cardigans are so 1994 will get you in trouble.
263. Putting fake spiders around Ron’s bed isn’t funny. Especially when he
tries to jump out of the window.
264. It probably isn’t smart to ask Draco Malfoy if his hair glows in the dark.
265. No matter how cool it sounds I will not release pixies into the school - it
will just end badly.
266. I will not use muggle hair dye to dye Draco Malfoy's hair red.
267. It is not a good idea to charm the furniture in the potions classroom to
be pink and fluffy.
270. It is not a good idea to ask Snape if he is off his medication when he is
angry. Or ever.
271. After using the hair dye on Malfoy, I will not attempt to claim him as the
long missing Weasley brother.
272. I will not tell the first years that it is customary to dye their hair in their
house colours for their first day of lessons.
273. A lightning bolt tattoo is NOT the 'Light Mark'.
276. I will not re-enact Harry Potter Puppet Pals in the Great Hall.
277. I will not write all my essays in red ink claiming it is blood.
278. I am not allowed to wear Death Eater robes to dinner and shout Long
live Lord Voldemort because I think its funny.
279. I will not replace Professor Snape’s pumpkin juice with Skele-Gro.
285. It is not a good idea to give Malfoy a “love note” from Ginny and vice
versa,
286. It is not a good idea to show the notes to Pansy Parkinson and Daphne
Greengrass
288. On no circumstances can you introduce rabid fan girls to Harry potter.
289. You must not mix Ravenclaws with muggle geeks or Slytherins with
popular people that are muggles. Or Blair Waldorf.
290. I am not to make a waterfall in the astronomy tower so I can surf down
after class.
291. I am not allowed to change the Slytherin banner in the Great Hall to a
pink and blue banner with a teddy bear on it.
298. I cannot make the followers of Weasleyity have red hair and freckles.
300. I may not borrow an extra wand and watch DRUMLINE too many times.
The results are too unpredictable, and Professor Flitwick would like his nose
back some day.
301. I will not sweep the Gryffindor common room with Harry Potter's prized
Firebolt.
303. I will not swap Draco's broom with one out of Filch's broom cupboard.