Established so long ago, it actually has more issues than our staff
August
The Pittiful News
The Official Satirical Newspaper of the University
“We’re not pitiful, the news is.”
How to take the most advantage of free stuff
By: Jessica Kiva
Columnist
Hello Pittiful Freshmen! Wel-
come to Pitt. In case you didn't
already notice when you moved in
this week, you should know that
Pitt likes to give out Free Stuff. A
lot of Free Stuff. One of the best
places to get Free Stuff is at the
annual activities fair the Sunday
before classes begin. I am here to
teach you how to maximize your
Free Stuff acquisition at the activi-
ties fair, or anywhere else Free
Stuff lurks - Towers lobby tablers,
festivals in the Union, etc.
Let's analyze the term "Free
Stuff". Free means you don't have
to pay for it, and Stuff is a term,
which, in this case basically means
"something I don't really need and
wouldn't normally buy, but it's free
so I'm gonna take it so I can even-
tually stuff it under my bed be-
Freshies: Meet the 59U. Now, never...see it...again. Lucky b*stards.
of Pittsburgh, Published Weekly • Vol. 3 • Issue O
cause my dorm room is too small
for too much Stuff".
Personally, I love Free Stuff. I
mean who doesn't? I would say
about 78% of my Pitt-related t-
shirts, apartment decorations, and
other things I have acquired over
the years are things I did not have
to pay for because of my Free Stuff
acquisition techniques. Wanna
know my techniques? Well grab a
shopping bag for your future Free
Stuff and read on muthafreshers!
There are two kinds of Free
Stuff. There is Free Stuff that is
just thrown at you if you are in the
right place at the right time. There
is also Free Stuff for which you
have to work, or you feel guilty for
taking a phallic sugar cookie from
the Student Global Aids Project's
table without first signing up to
fight for their cause.
The first type of Free Stuff is the
best because it is obligation-free,
but it tends to run out easily so
you need to know where to get it. I
will never get over how miserable I
felt my freshman year when Tele-
fact ran out of the hilarious "What
happens if I plug in my cat?" t-
shirts. Even though I am now a
Telefact employee these t-shirts are
gone for good and I will never be
able to wear one. Good thing the t-
shirts this year are going to be
great and we have a couple thou-
sand to give out! But I digress. If
you see someone sporting a free t-
shirt, or something else equally
awesome, don't be shy and ask
them where they got it! And then
RUN to that spot and try your
best to score one for yourself! And
this doesn't just apply to the ac-
tivities fair. This kind of Free Stuff
is given out willy-nilly year round
Stuff, Page 2
27
2010
Oil spill ruins
Pittsburgh
ecosystem
By: Rachel Harris
Staff Writer/Editor
An oil spill from fifteen-year-old
Eugene Huile’s pores occurred
Thursday, during a family boating
trip down the Monongahela River.
While motoring downstream, a
sharp, banked turn capsized the
vessel and caused a vast amount of
sebaceous matter to leak from Mr.
Huile’s skin. The oil has continued
to flow unchecked since, wreaking
havoc upon the wildlife that calls
the river home. Fish, amphibians,
and homeless yinzers are among
the populations affected by this
tragedy.
Environmental analysts have
commented that this latest spill
renders the BP oil disaster earlier
this summer “nearly insignifi-
cant.” In fact, the spills are so
radically different that experts
question the viability of compar-
ing the two at all. Whereas the
Gulf Coast has suffered the intru-
sion of five million barrels of crude
hydrocarbons, causing the destruc-
tion of countless potential shrimp
cocktails, Eugene Huile’s skin has
reduced the Monongahela to a
black, lifeless, oozing catastrophe.
The long-term environmental im-
pact is considered incomprehensi-
ble, or, at the very least, “just as
bad as the melting ice caps.”
While cleanup crews have al-
ready been dispatched along the
length of the river, engineers and
dermatologists are currently in the
process of designing ways to halt
the flow of oil from Mr. Huile’s
skin.
“First we thought that maybe a
bunch of tiny, pore-sized rubber
plugs could be used to stop the oil
from leaking,” said Harold Lest, a
petroleum engineer. “But insertion
would have been a major problem.
Besides, the solution would likely
Oil, Page 2
2 The Pittiful News—PittifulNews@gmail.com—www.pittifulnews.com

Oil spill from student’s pores devastates local environment

Oil, Page 1
have been temporary.”
Dr. Ellen Kane, an acne special-
ist, recommended a different
course of action: “We could scrub
off the oil with my own prescrip-
tion salicylic acid formula, then
siphon it off the surface of the
Mon,” she said. “It’s possible we
could also soak some of it up with
my collection of small, disreputa-
ble yellow towels.”
Another possible strategy for
stemming the gushing sebum in-
volves a cement face shield to
“cap” the oil. Still other experts
from oil companies worldwide
suggested igniting the unfortunate
Mr. Huile’s face in the hopes that
some of it will burn off, or possibly
pumping in copious amounts of
benzoyl peroxide. In the mean-
time, cleanup workers are doing
what they can to contain and re- Pennsylvania DNR plans to re-
move the oil while rescuing the lease them back into the Mononga-
native wildlife. As of press time, hela when it has been deemed safe
1400 gallons of Clearasil were be- for wildlife.
ing shipped to Pittsburgh for im-
mediate use.
Bass, muskies, and emerald
shiners found trapped underneath
the oil are being corralled into
temporary pens while the contain-
ment attempts are underway. The

Free stuff is cheap during orientation

Stuff, Page 2
at Pitt, but it can be akin to Guer-
rilla Warfare - it strikes randomly,
quickly, and with full force. So be
informed!
The second type of Free Stuff is
more difficult to get. This is the
kind that requires you to actually
sign up for a club or organization
with a real Pitt email address and
your real name in order for it to be
handed over to you. The key is to
show initial quizzical interest. Be
all, "Oohh, this looks interesting,
what are you trying to promote?
Well that sounds cool, sign me up!
Oh wow, free candy and a button?
Gee, thanks! I can't wait to come
to your meetings!" And then don't
show up, and unsubscribe to their
emails if the only thing in which
you were honestly interested was
the free button. Simple.
I learned the second lesson the
hard way. I will tell you my story,
but please note that some identify-
ing characteristics have been
changed.
Last year at the activities fair, I
was walking through the ethnic
student organizations area
(because they have the best free
food) when I came across the Ve-
lociraptors Student Association
(VSA). Now, Velociraptors, as a
group, have DELICIOUS food.
Like, really decadent. When I
came back for a second helping,
the Velociraptor tablers naturally
wanted to know if I would sign up
for their group. I thought, hey,
why not? After all, my roommate
was half-Velociraptor and the food
was REALLY good, so even
though there is no Velociraptor
blood in me I decided it would be
fun to sign up and maybe attend
their events.
Big mistake.
These Velociraptors sent out
emails every week asking me to
attend their events, which I was
either too busy for, or felt too awk-
ward to attend because I would
obviously be the only non-
Velociraptor in attendance. Even-
tually I had to unsubscribe to their
emails, but after coming back to
their Activities Fair table for ten
or so helpings of Velociraptor des-
serts and then avoiding their
emails for months, I felt like an
asshole. To this day, I feel guilty
whenever I eat Velociraptor food,
and am even considering therapy
to ease my guilty conscience.
The moral of that story is that if
you really enjoy the Free Stuff
someone gives you, either become
an active member of their group or
politely decline their invitations
before the guilt sets in.
But in any situation where Free
Stuff is available, don't forget to
show some interest. It makes the
tablers and promoters feel good.
Trust me. I'll be throwing free
Telefact t-shirts at you on Sun-
day.

The Pittiful News

Satire writing at its finest. Ish.
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