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Draft Essay 1 Mukhammad
Draft Essay 1 Mukhammad
Mariam Mukhammad
English 111
3 September 2017
Essay 1
It is sometimes unrecognizable and intangible to the person who lives with it.
Sometimes, it feels as if you can place a finger on it but usually it just slips through the gaps. It
can be something that you live with which alters every interaction you have but can almost never
be recognized.
When I was four years old, my father left for a trip to visit his mom in Pakistan with what
I perceived as an intent of coming back. About six months later all phone calls and
communication stopped and I was left with no clue as to why I would never talk to my dad again.
When I was five, six, and seven years old no one could explain why my father was no longer in
my life. It was hard for everyone to talk about it, so I was left with little to no idea of whether he
was even alive. I was told by my aunt, who was only five years older than me and much like my
sister, that he might have died in a big earthquake that occured in Pakistan. I believed that this
might have been the case for longer than I maybe should have but for a long time it helped me
cope and was the only explanation I had as to why my dad did not come back for me. At age
eight, I moved across the world to live with a man my mom was marrying and I put my trust into
him to take care of me and be the dad I almost didnt remember having. As the years went on
and I turned nine, ten, eleven, and twelve my attitude began changing and as my eyes were
opened I began losing hope of ever having a strong male figure in my life that would really care
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about me. However, I came to a point in my life where I gave up seeking that father-figure
and the childhood anger towards my father left me. I realized that I would probably never have a
In all those years after my father had left, I never really cried for him until I was about
14 years old and sitting in the middle of a classmates presentation about his life. He mentioned
that just like me his dad left when he was four years old and that, just like me, his only close
relative connection was with his mom. Out of nowhere, I burst into tears right then and there and
began crying uncontrollably. The whole episode was so bad I had to call my parents to pick me
up and take me home from school that day. It was the only time ever I remember feeling that
In the years to come I have noticed hints of that sadness and fear creep up on me. When it
came even to the most platonic relationships and friendships in my life, I always seemed and still
seem to question peoples intentions. I over think every relationship and almost always end up
separating myself from others because I plant the seed into my mind that I care more about them
then they do about me. I dont ever truly trust in any relationship I build because, in my life, they
have all had an expiration date. The people I have imagined being a part of my life for years have
almost all stopped caring about or left me. Because of what I learned from all my past
relationships I find myself diving into new ones with chains that hold me back. The worst part is
that the wall that keeps me from getting too close to people is not always noticeable at first.
Everything is great when I begin a new friendship or start talking to someone but it gets harder
and harder to not question whether they care about me as I begin caring more and more for them.
As people have opened up to me recently, I realize that I am not the only one dealing
with similar feelings. It is hard to trust in any relationship when you have been left by people you
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cared about most in the world. Everybody has their own way of coping, and I do cope well for
the most part with the emotional pain of my dad leaving. However, I frequently find myself
thinking in the very back of my mind that the person in front of me who I care so much about is
using me for the moment but will leave when they find someone better. I find myself thinking
that there are so many others that are less odd or, maybe, more patient that me that those who I
care about can turn to. Those are the feelings I cannot run from that only reveal themselves
around the people I love most. That is why I believe in the a deep rooted fear and worry of being
abandoned or left by every person who comes into your life because you never want to believe it
but can never help losing those you love because of it.