Name:Branson Thao

Core Period:3/4

Date9-21-17

The Fall of the Roman Army

War after war every last barbarian fighting against the Roman army after a long

fight against the barbarians the Roman army were victorious because of an

emperor . Commented [1]: Maybe, you should add more details

to understand whats going on perfectly.
A long time ago I was an adopted child, my dads name is Nerva and I am Commented [2]: Maybe, you should add more details
to understand whats going on perfectly.
Trajan in my young age I was a well-respected senator and brave as a soldier. In Commented [3]: I don't think first is the right word for
this.
January 98 A.D. my father had died, so I thought I should take over his place

being an emperor. I had to go through some task into becoming an emperor so,

for the past few days of hard work I have finally completed the task. I am now an

emperor of Rome and the military. Now that I am an emperor I thought I could Commented [4]: Are you the Emperor of the military?
Commented [5]: did you mean could
help with citizens in need to help their children, but I didnt realize that there
Commented [6]: Maybe, you should add more details
to understand whats going on perfectly.
werent enough resources to help them because of the wealthy parents and

children buying and taking all the resources. I was frustrated because I cant find Commented [7]: maybe get rid of good because the
reader can infer the resorces are good.
a way to help those in need after a while I had an idea maybe if I gave them

enough gold to help them with their problems then the poor people in Rome wont

have to worry. When I gave the poor some gold they thanked me and now I have

their trust my goal is to help the people in need and protect them. An enormous

army of barbarians came and evaded Rome.

Next, in a cloudy day I was there to lead my army as I gather every last soldier to

hence forward and when I told the archers to fire they fired their arrow up in the

sky as if it look like one million arrows were raining down from the clouds. The

Roman soldiers attacked as soon as the arrows had landed on the barbarians and

the barbarians pushed forward and attacked too. During the fight other armies

appeared the army were the Huns they joined the war of chaos many Roman

soldiers, Goths, and Huns had died in the fight millions were covered in blood Commented [8]: weren't the Goths barbarians?
Commented [9]: Maybe, you should add more details
every soldier looks red as a rose when the fight was over my Roman army has to understand whats going on perfectly.
Commented [10]: comma needed
won and now my army and I went to invade their territory and got their supplies.
Commented [11]: Were the soilders red or was the
blood red?
As we take the resources back into Rome I used those resources to build bridges,
Commented [12]: Should be brought, because you
take to and bring back.
roads, and aqueducts for my victory I celebrated a feast with the finest people in

Rome and when they got here we ate and cheered for our victorious fight.

Last, the people in Rome were satisfied for what I have done now everyone can

get to places faster, know what directions to go to, and get water faster. But,

sadly I had died in August 9, 117 AD, at the age of 63. Even though I had died Commented [13]: You wouldn't be writing this if you
were dead.
people still lived on and respected me for my kindness and bravery. They had Commented [14]: comma needed

build a statue of me to remember me for what I have done. Commented [15]: Should be built
Commented [16]: Maybe, you should add more details
to understand whats going on perfectly.
 Name:Branson Thao

Core Period:3/4

Date9-21-17

The Fall of the Roman Army

War after war every last barbarian Goths and Huns fighting against the Roman

army after a long fight against the barbarians the Roman army were victorious

because of an emperor it was a gruesome and bloody war .

First, a long time ago I was an adopted child, my dads name is Nerva and I am

Trajan in my young age I was a well-respected senator and brave as a soldier

because my dad is an emperor and I helped those people that need anything. In

January 98 A.D. my father had died, so I thought I should take over his place

being an emperor. I had to go through some task into becoming an emperor so,

for the past few days of hard work I have been given questions on what I should

do if an army attacked Rome, if people have problems on something they want to

know how I would fix the problem, and see what happens when our resources get

too low.After all those task I am now an emperor of Rome and the military. Now

that I am an emperor I thought I can help with citizens in need to help their

children, but I didnt realize that there werent enough resources to help them

because, of the wealthy parents and children buying and taking all the good

resources. I was angry as a bull because, I couldnt find a way to help those in

need, after a while I had an idea maybe if I gave them enough gold to help them

with their problems then the poor people in Rome wont have to worry. When I

gave the poor some gold they thanked me, and now I have their trust my goal is
to help the people in need and protect them. In a bright sunny day I felt sad and
lonely so I decide to get a wife. I met this beautiful and lovely women named
Pompeia Plotina I asked her, do you want to go out with me she said, Yes. So,
I took her out on a date and told the chef make the finest food for our date. At
Commented [17]: I think you should add why the
character is a well respected person.
Commented [18]: I disagree because I think it says
why, it says that he was a senator and senator's are
respected.
Commented [19]: This whole narrative doesn't have
any dialogue. Maybe you should make your character
talk about the commands he is getting.

7:10 pm she came over and I asked her what do you like? She said, I like shiny

stuff, helping other people out, and being a leader of a group. I asked her many

other questions and I liked Pompeia she seems nice and brave. When I saw

Pompeia I told her in private would you go out with me? She said yes. I was

happy as a happy child when I heard her say that. Then an army of barbarians

came and invaded Rome.

Next, in a dark cloudy day I was there to lead my army as I gather every last

soldier to hence forward and when I told the archers to fire. They fired their arrow

up in the sky as if it look like one million arrows are raining down from the

clouds.The barbarians came in and destroyed all the citizens home and killed

many people. The Roman soldiers attacked as soon as the arrows had landed on

the barbarians and the barbarians pushed forward and attacked too, both armies

screaming at each other like they were angry bears. During the fight other armies

appeared the army were Goths and the Huns they joined the war of chaos now it

looks like 20 billion people were fighting. Many Roman soldiers, Goths, and

barbarians had died in the fight millions were covered in blood every soldier was

red as a rose when the fight was over my Roman army has won and now my army

and I went to invade their territory and got their supplies. As we take the
resources back into Rome I used those resources to build bridges, roads, and

aqueducts for my victory I celebrated a feast with the finest people in Rome and

when they got here we ate and cheered for our victorious fight. But people asked

me where are we gonna live now we are poor do something emperor Trajan

I told the citizens dont worry the amount of resources we have, my soldiers will

build and fix your home.

Last, the people in Rome were satisfied for what I have done now everyone can

get to places faster, know what directions to go to, and get water faster. But,

sadly I had died in August 9, 117 AD, at the age of 63. Even though I had a

horrible death bt getting captured and died as a slave. My son became an

emperor and is leading the people, so that they are safe. They had build a statue

of me to remember me for what I have done. Commented [20]: Did he die peacefully or not?
Commented [21]: I don't think he needs to put if he
died peacefully or not.
Commented [22]: This whole narrative doesn't have
any dialogue. Maybe you should make your character
talk about the commands he is getting.

Feedback

Good story

like the figurative language

 but has grammar issues

needs dialog.

Unbold the paragraphs

 Name:Branson Thao

Core Period:3/4

Date 9-29-17

The Fall of the Roman Army

War after war every last barbarian of the Goths and Huns fighting against the Roman

army after a long fight against the barbarians the Roman army were victorious because

of an emperor it was a gruesome and bloody war .

A long time ago, in December 14, 47 AD, I was an adopted child, my new dads name

is Nerva and I am Trajan in my young age I was a well-respected senator and brave as

a soldier because my dad is an emperor and I also helped those people that need help

with anything. In January 98 A.D. my father had died, so I thought I should take over his

place being an emperor. I had to go through some task into becoming an emperor so,

for the past few days of hard work I have been given questions they asked me what

would you do if an army attacked Rome I told them I would get every soldier in the

army to group up and attack once I give out the signal, they also asked me what

would you do if there was a problem in Rome how would you fix it I replied I would

see what the problem is and if its not a big problem then I would help them, but if it is

then I would try and see what I can do, the last question they asked me was what will

you do if our resources were low I said I would group up an army, and try to find

civilization and take their resources. After all those task I am now an emperor of Rome

and the military. Now that I am an emperor I thought I could help with citizens in need to

help their children, but I didnt realize that there werent enough resources to help them

because, of the wealthy parents and children buying and taking all the resources. I was
angry as a bull because, I couldnt find a way to help those in need, after a while I had

an idea maybe if I gave them enough gold to help them with their problems then the

poor people in Rome wont have to worry. When I gave the poor some gold they

thanked me, and now I have their trust my goal is to help the people in need and protect

them. In a bright sunny day I felt sad and lonely so I thought I should get a wife. I met
this beautiful and lovely women named Pompeia Plotina she had brown silky hair,
smooth skin, and she had blue eyes like the ocean. I asked her, if you want to go out
with me she said, Sure. So, I took her out on a date and told the chef make the finest
Commented [23]: I think you should add why the
character is a well respected person.
Commented [24]: I disagree because I think it says
why, it says that he was a senator and senator's are
respected.
Commented [25]: This whole narrative doesn't have
any dialogue. Maybe you should make your character
talk about the commands he is getting.

food for our date. At 7:10 pm she came over and I asked her what do you like? She

said, I like shiny stuff, helping other people out, and being a leader of a group. I asked

her many other questions and I liked Pompeia she seems nice and brave. When I saw

Pompeia I told her in private would you go out with me? She said yes. I was happy

so happy when she said yes when I heard her say that. But then an army of barbarians

came and invaded Rome.

Next, in a dark cloudy day I was there to lead my army as I gather every last soldier to

hence forward and when I told the archers to fire. They fired their arrow up in the sky as

if it look like one million arrows were raining down from the clouds.The barbarians

(Goths) came in and destroyed all the citizens home and killed many people. The

Roman soldiers attacked as soon as the arrows had landed on the barbarians and the

barbarians pushed forward and attacked too, both armies screaming at each other like

they were angry bears. During the fight other armies appeared the army were the Huns

they joined the war of chaos now it looks like 20 billion people were fighting. Many
Roman soldiers, Huns, and the Goths had died in the fight, millions were covered in

blood, every soldier look red as a rose. When the fight was over my Roman army has

won and now my army and I went to invade their territory and got their supplies. As we

brought the resources back into Rome I used those resources to build bridges, roads,

and aqueducts for my victory I celebrated a feast with the finest people in Rome and

when they got here we ate and cheered. But people from outside asked me where are

we gonna live now we are poor do something emperor Trajan

I told the citizens dont worry the amount of resources we have, my soldiers will build

and fix your home.

Last, the people in Rome were satisfied for what I have done now everyone can get to

places faster, know what directions to go to, and get water faster. In August 9, 117 AD,

at the age of 63 my father has died, I am his son Hadrian. Although he has died he still
meant something to all of us in Rome, he was kind and trustworthy we will all respected
him and today our soldiers will help and build a statue of my father. So we can all
remember for what he has done to the city of Rome.
Commented [26]: This whole narrative doesn't have
any dialogue. Maybe you should make your character
talk about the commands he is getting.
Commented [27]: Did he die peacefully or not?
Commented [28]: I don't think he needs to put if he
died peacefully or not.
Commented [29]: This whole narrative doesn't have
any dialogue. Maybe you should make your character
talk about the commands he is getting.