Neal 1

Jamison Neal

Ms. Cook

Composition

December 12th, 2017

Innocence

It was painfully quiet. Not a man in the room dared to make noise for fear of what is to

come. I felt cold and I knew I wasnt here; mentally I mean. My carcass was with these men but

my mind was elsewhere. Holding onto distant memories from when I was still alive. I see so

much of my boy in him. Every man in here deserves whats coming but not him. I look over to

my soul companion in this hell hole and all I could feel was guilt. I could tell he was scared. His

eyes frantically scanned the corners of the room desperately searching for a way out. And his

pants were soaked from piss which I assume was just recently. Hes lost his damn mind I thought

to myself. I get up to walk towards him but the nearby guard motions for me to sit back down.

I turned my head slightly just enough for him to see my eyes. I sent him a glare that would make

any man cower in fear. You gonna come in and make me? I asked. I balled my hand into a fist

to further emphasize my point. Without waiting for an answer I resumed my path towards my

friend and I look up to see that he has made an attempt to pick himself up. I place my hand on his

shoulder in hopes of easing his pain. The last thing I want him to feel is ashamed.

He looked at me, you dont have to do this you know. Ill be just fine I can take care of myself.
 Neal 2

I let out a booming laugh, you call that taking care of yourself as I motioned to his crotch, I

swear youre like a child who cant control himself! I couldnt stop laughing and it was obvious

my little act was getting to him because he was sporting a sly smirk accompanied by wrinkles on

his brow.

Shaking his head he nudged me to the side. He threw his hands in the air laughing, Im the

child? he said through his laughter, If I remember correctly arent you the one who punched a

guard in the face simply because he took your ice cream?

Okay now I feel like youre attacking me, you KNOW that I love ice cream. Everyone in this

damn place knows that.

From the corner of the room another inmate chimed in, he does love his ice cream.

Shaking my fist at him I yelled, shut the hell up Greg, no one even likes you! a chorus of yeah

shut the hell up Gregs followed and everyone was laughing now. Engaging in their own

conversations, and I looked at Michal, still wearing his piss soaked pants, and I saw that glow.

That joyful, innocent man who I respect and admire. I really need to find him some different

pants, he looks ridiculous.

Suddenly we heard a baton clang against the bars and the door slam open. The warden stepped

inside and it was like this cloud of darkness had swallowed all of us. We knew what time it was.

I took a glance at Mike and saw that his face was void of all color. His eyes were drained of any
 Neal 3

life; being replaced with a hollow emptiness. Single file we all marched out the door to find

guards awaiting us cuffs in hand. We were marched down the stairs and into the maze of

hallways. Making sharp left and rights every now and again. The walls were barren but to us it

looked like a scene out of our nightmares. Eventually we stopped in front of a set of doors.

The warden took center stage. Ready to perform a speech he was way too excited to give. Now

you all know what lays for you beyond those doors am I correct? He waited for a response he

knew wasnt going to come. Grinning he continued, well if you weren't aware of your situation

its judgement day boys and Im your God, but Im not as merciful. So lets get started shall we?

he pulled out a single piece of paper. Running his finger on it like a teacher would when

choosing a student to call on he said, Lets start with Inmate #55678.

From the front of the line an inmate was desperately attempting to get out of his restraints. The

guards rushed over to subdue the man who was shouting now. Please warden! Im innocent you

gotta believe me!

The warden marched over to the young man and slapped him across the face. Innocent.

Innocent! he yelled, you low life piece of shit you raped a little girl. Theres a special place

for you in hell, my boy. He glared into the man's eyes effectively destroying any will to

continue. Take him in. The guards grabbed the man by his shoulders and dragged him into the

room. We couldnt see much but from what I glimpsed there appeared to be people seated in

front of an empty chair.

 Neal 4

And this was our fate for the next hour. The warden would come out of the room. Yell for an

inmate and take him in. then the warden would come out. The inmates never came back. The

shamble of our feet when we walked sounded like gunshots in this empty hallway. And the silent

breaths we took reminded me of the summer winds back home. That was the only thing keeping

me sane right now. The thought of my beautiful wife, my loving children. The hope that I may

see them again kept me strong. Commented [1]: Great description in this paragraph!

I felt a tug on my shirt. I turned to find Mike. Seeing him like this brought me back to reality.

Tears were welling up in his eyes and his lip was quivering. His wrist were bloody and raw from

his struggle with his handcuffs and his tiny body seemed like it was trying to get into a standing

fetal position. He was mortified, afraid of what he knew was going to happen. Im scared. he

stammered. I dont want to do this. I dont deserve this. his voice was wavering and snot

started to drip from his nose. I wanna go home.

I no longer saw nor heard Michal instead the man behind me was replaced with someone else. I

wanna go home, he whimpered. Again and again he repeated this line. Quieter with every

attempt to speak. I was watching my little boy give up. I tried to reach out to him. To hold him

and tell him everything is going to be okay. I took ahold of his hand. Hoping to help him find

some comfort in this dreaded hall.

It's going to be okay son, I said. Michael looked up at me with a weak smile. He knew how

much he resembled my boy and this was the first time I had ever called him that. Youre gonna

get out of here. Theyre gonna realize their mistake and send you ho-
 Neal 5

Inmate #55702 youre up.

Michals smile grew. Looking me in the eyes he said, I have to go now, Dad. Ill see you soon

okay? he started off towards the doors. The warden grabbed him by the shoulder escorting him

in.

Please! I yelled. I ran towards them. Trying desperately to stop this. He is innocent you made

a mistake. Please warden dont do this! A guard came up behind me to try to take me back in

line. I turned around and swung my cuffed fist as hard as I could at the guard. They connected

with a sickening thud and the guard slumped to the ground. I turned towards Michal only to stare

down the barrel of a gun.

Now Im only going to tell you this once get back in line! the wardens eyes weren't full of

anger but instead filled with regret and sorrow. He looked defeated. Unless, he continued,

youd like your friend here to watch your brains splatter across the wall. Michael stared at me.

His eyes pleading with me to back down. I backed away from them. Each step felt as if I was

walking through cement. Why am I doing this? Save him you idiot! Dont let him go! Michael

gave me one last goodbye before entering the room and just like that he was gone. I had lost my

son again and I could do nothing to save him. I felt numb. This sense of dread hit me harder than

the guard did when he finally got back up. I wanted to scream. I wanted to run and stop this.

Fight and kill anyone who got in my way. But I didnt. I stood there frozen. Walking forward

whenever the next inmate was called. I no longer thought about my family. I no longer thought
 Neal 6

about Michael. I didnt think of anything. I just listened. I listened to the sounds emanating from

the room. The screams and laughter echoing through the halls. I could hear the heartbeats of my

fellow inmates. Pumping wildly trying to get in all the work they could before being laid off. Commented [2]: Great line!

A few hours had passed, or minutes Im not really sure at this point. I was finally escorted inside

the room. It was smaller than I had previously thought; about the size of a elementary classroom.

Most of the faces inside I did not recognize but one did stand out. One that I had hoped to never

see again. It was my mothers. She gave me an encouraging smile and tried to hide the obvious

tears that she had been shedding. I looked to my right to see a single chair. The chair had

restraints and a head strap. The warden had me sit down and some guards strapped me in. The

leather felt cold around my wrists and ankles. Then they placed a sponge on my forehead

followed by a metal beam that wrapped around my head. I took one last look at my mother

before they put the blindfold on me. The warden was saying something but I didnt care. I was

ready to go. I heard someone pull a lever and that's when the immense pain started. My skin was

boiling; it felt as if the tissue on my face was melting off revealing the bone underneath. My

whole body burned but my head was in excruciating pain. I could feel my brain frying and if not

for the blindfold I was sure my eyes would have shot out my sockets. Then it stopped. I slumped

in the chair and I felt the presence of several men beside me. Then they left me alone. I sat there

awaiting my fate. I heard the lever pull once more and the pain ensued. This time, however, it

was much greater. I could only imagine what this must of looked like to a viewer. My poor

mother. Why is she in here? Why did they let her see this? I was violently shaking and I could

feel a concoction of vomit and blood leaking from my mouth as I was letting out a silent scream

of agony. I could feel myself slipping away.

 Neal 7

Then it stopped. I felt no more pain. No more suffering. I just felt alone. Commented [3]: Very powerful ending.

Comments:
Total: 25/25 x 2 = 50/50 A

Wow! What a powerful story! At one point I thought maybe this was a dystopic sort of story that
was kind of like the lottery, but I think it's so much better this way. It's real. It's raw. It's powerful.
You tell the story from a perspective we usually don't experience. I really like that. You did so
many great things in this short story. The dialogue was powerful and helped propel the plot and
give us insights into your characters. I really like the added details about the warden to show
how the job is defeating even him. This adds another dimension to the story. You do an
amazing job describing the details with sensory language in a way that helps me feel like I am
there. That is hard for a highschool student. Very few are able to do that. Overall, this is a
fantastic story and I really enjoyed reading. it. You should seriously consider entering this into
the creative writing scholarship (I'm pretty sure your sister won it last year). It should be
introduced after Christmas break.