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L t RB CKS
ET e
Viz Comic, P.O. Box 841 Whitley Bay, NE26 9EQ
! WHY isn’t there a day to com-
memorate Isaac Newton? If
he hadn’t invented gravity, we’d be
floating around all over the shop.
Andy Mac, Derbyshire
! “YOU make my dreams
come true,” proclaims the
new McDonalds TV advert. This
especially struck a chord for me as I
regularly dream about passing hard,
dry stools and fetid gas.
Mike Fordham, Chelmsford
! THE other day I threw a
stick for my dog in the park.
The little bugger then proceeded
to chew it to pieces. Talk about
ingratitude.
Rory Walker, email
! MY front door bell is
an exact replica of the
Big Ben chimes, though not
quite as loud, of course. If
anyone is missing hearing
the Big Ben chimes now
they have been silenced for
maintenance work, they
are very welcome to come
and ring my doorbell any
time between the hours
of 11.00am and 3.00pm.
It would be best if they
didn’t dress too much like
a postman or carry a sack
so as not to get my Rot-
tweiller, Max, too excited.
Jim Hewit, Dundee
!
HAVING just watched the
latest episodes of Game of
Thrones, all I can say is that these
so-called fiction writers seem to just
make it up as they go along.
Iain Devenney, Oxford
! I LIVE at number 11, but on
the drive home I often forget
which house is mine. So I’ve devised
a system whereby when I enter my
street, I lift a finger on each hand
and raise them in front of me, creat-
ing a number 11 to guide me safely
home.
Dr G Trousers, Isle of Arran
! DRIVING through the Lake
District the other day I
passed a sign for Burnrigg, and was
extremely disappointed to note that
not a single child had joined the
‘r’ and the ’n’ with a marker pen
to read Bumrigg. What are they
teaching kids in schools these days?
Shakespeare and algebra?
Cuthbert Cream, Dulwich
! I WAS amazed to read that
Bang Kwang Central prison
in Bangkok is colloquially known
as “The Bangkok Hilton.” This
being the case, seeing as they’re
getting all that free publicity,
shouldn’t the Hilton Hotel
chain start bunging them a few
of their miniature toiletries or
perhaps sending some maids
round to do a turn-down
service for them at the very
least?
Hector Trellis, Dundee
! I JUST don’t under- fingers at some point.
stand it. I read the
other day that some bloke
I know went bankrupt
and lost his business, his
house, his car and every-
thing. Yet when I looked
him up I saw he has over
1200 friends on Facebook. but the power steering packed up
What happened to “A
friend in need”?
Dexter Bloomsbury, Tring
8
ST★R
LETTER !
WHY is it that in films, when-
ever a couple are about to
have a shag in a kitchen, they just
sweep the plates and everything
off the table and then get right
down to it? Surely it would greatly
enhance their foreplay and heighten
the eroticism if they carefully put
the plates and cutlery neatly in the
dishwasher, after scraping the plates
beforehand to avoid clogging up the
! ISN’T it about time the
toothpaste manufacturers
filter, of course.
Lionel Mimblehulme, Oxford
upped their game? It’s been mint
flavour as long as I can remem-
ber, and I’m 61. The contracep-
! WHY do outfits like the
Paras and the SAS hold their
training courses in inhospitable
tive manufacturers have been
very inventive with different
flavours and their product is only
places like the Brecon Beacons in
the middle of winter? I’ve been on
several courses and in my experi-
designed to go up fannies. ence, the happier you keep the
Stuie, Bunny attendees, the better success rate
you will have. When I went on a
! I’VE just developed a text-
based social network that is
‘Diversity in the Workplace’ course
last month, they put us up in a 5-star
strictly for electricians. It’s called
WattsAmp. Actually, I haven’t, I
simply thought of the term Watts-
hotel in Grange-over-Sands and we
all passed. How many pass the SAS
selection course, dare I ask?
Amp and tried to engineer it into
Rodney Finch, Luton
the punchline of a joke.
Franklyn Cheesecroft, Hull ! I HOPE Siegfried and Roy
don’t rush back into the
! I DON’T know what “Extra
Virgin” olive oil is supposed
to mean. I can only surmise that
lion-taming scene too soon after
that tiger of theirs went ape-shit
and attacked one of them. If I were
the normal “Virgin” stuff that I buy them, I would ease myself back
from Tesco hasn’t gone all the way, into it slowly, perhaps starting with
but has taken a couple of sneaky kittens, then moving onto cats and
feral cats before they make the big
leap to tigers. Getting a scratch off
Bobby Plywood, Tooting a full-grown moggy is no joke. My
! I NEARLY crashed my car into Nan had one once, and it was a right
a tree the first time I heard Ça nasty little fucker.
Plane pour Moi by Plastic Bertrand. P Blofeld, Croydon
I didn’t think it was a particularly
good song, in fact it was utter dross,
just as I was taking a bend on the
A34 in Manchester.
Rampton Bembo, Stockport

! HOW come you can get a
second opinion if you don’t
like what a doctor tells you, but the
same doesn’t apply when it comes
to doctors’ receptionists? When
one tells me there are no appoint-
ments for two weeks, I’d like to ask
the blonde one behind her, reading
Bella magazine and eating the M&S
salad, what she reckons.
Hazlenut Monkbottle, Leeds
! WHEN you think about it,
there must be posh moths and
chavvy moths. There are the ones
who live in Kate Moss’s wardrobe
and have only ever dined on high
end grub like Prada and Versace.
Then there are the ones who can
only eat Primark and stuff from
George that they find in Kerry
Katona’s wardrobe.
Marston Golightly, Luton
! WHY is fuel so expensive on
the motorways? It’s not as if
they can sell anything else there, is it?
Richard Hobson, Louth
! I WAS hurt that you recently
printed two letters from my
wife and good friend which both
claimed that I am not as funny as I
think I am (Letterbocks passim). I
think it’s unfair, although I will con-
cede that I’m probably not as funny
as I was in the 1980s.
Jerome Fandor, Birmingham
POP out all of the dents from
your car’s bodywork by closing
all of the doors and windows and
blowing sharply up the exhaust.
Jamie Cuffe, Ashby de la Launde
ELDERLY Chinese ladies. Don’t
confuse aircraft jet engines with
wishing wells. They are not the
same thing and work on entirely
different principles.
F Whittle, Cowley
PRETEND you’re a retired school
teacher by wearing a tweed
blazer and discreetly checking
behind buildings to see if anyone’s
smoking.
Will Mylchreest, Leamington Spa
SAVE 5p on a carrier bag by simply
sewing a long zip along the bottom
of your vest. Then at the supermar-
ket checkout, simply take the vest
off, do up the zip and Hey Presto!
Your own free carrier ‘Vest Bag’ with
shoulder straps for handles.
Jon Schottley, Clapton Park
MAKE a shopping trip to IKEA
more pleasurable by simply go-
ing when it’s closed.
John Owens, Glasgow
! I’VE really enjoyed the photo of that bloke kissing that bird’s arse
over the years, but isn’t time for a bit of a change? What about a
picture of a smiley bird with her thumb up a cyclist’s arse?
! I’M just nip-
ping for a
piss. Could I warn
your readers not to
touch my pint while
I’m gone because
I’m a bit of a boxer.
Just saying.
Fat Al White,
Wakefield
! YESTERDAY I
didn’t do a poo,
yet today I’ve been
three times. What’s that
about?
Vick Narley, Truro
ANSWER the question “nature
or nurture?” once and for all by
getting Piers Morgan and Katie
Hopkins to have a baby together,
then getting Philip Schofield and
Holly Willoughby to raise it. If it
grows up to be a spiteful little
shit, there’s your answer.
Steve Crouch, Peterborought
TIRED of forgetting all of your
drunken adventures after a night
on the piss? Simply phone your
own voicemail and leave a de-
tailed explanation of everything
that you’ve done while you’re
drunk and hey presto, no more
worrying about whether or not
you shat in your manager’s brief
case the night before.
Iain Devenney, Oxford
ROMAN soldiers. A plastic wheel-
ie bin attached to a horse makes
an ideal chariot. Don’t throw away
the lid, as this can be used as a
shield when being attacked from
behind by arrows or whatever is
coming at you at the time.
Charlton Heston, USA
toptips@viz.co.uk
9
Stuie, Notts
! MY Hyundai
wouldn’t start in
Sainsbury’s car park last
week and some Bulgarian
car washers helped give me
a push. Today it stopped
again just before the bypass
and a Portuguese chap
shoved it 50 yards until the
engine turned over. Does
anyone else miss the good
old days when our cars were
push-started by British people?
It makes me wonder why I
bothered voting for Brexit.
Russ Poore, Shittlehampton
! THEY say a dog is a man’s
best friend, but if my mate
Mark stopped to smell shit on the
pavement every 10 feet he would
be out of a drinking partner pretty
quickly, I can tell you.
Ashton Yarlett, Fulham
! I’VE been a bit backed up
since I got back from my holi-
days as a result of too much booze,
too many carbs and not enough
greens. Anyway, I have just passed a
humungous loaf in the works bogs.
Your readers will be pleased to
learn that. My co-workers less so.
Pat Doyle, London
! I THINK surgeons could do
a lot more to give patients a
calming and reassuring experience
when they have to undergo an op-
eration. Perhaps wearing Marigolds
instead of those sterile and officious
looking surgical gloves would be a
start and give the illusion of normal-
ity. And they could swap their fright-
ening surgical aprons for one of those
funny barbecue ones with tits on.
Brampton Twelvetrees, Carlisle
Continued over...
Ingledew Botterill
on the
Brexit
Negotiations
E
XTRICATING the UK from
the European Union is proving
to be a trickier proposition than
was at first hoped. And whilst nobody
ever said that untangling this country
from 40 years of Brussels red tape
would be easy, the intransigent
attitude of the 27 member states at
the other side of the table is making it
much harder than it needs to be.
Let’s take a look at the clowns who
make up the EU negotiating team.
These are the men who are doing
everything they can to throw a spiteful
spanner in the works to stop us from
getting the red, white and blue Brexit for
which we all voted on June 23rd 2016.
Jean-Claude Juncker
Juncker is the Luxembourg
loony who the bonkers
Brussels bureaucrats
have put in charge of the
Article 50 talks. But how
can we take whatever deal he
proposes seriously when it comes
from a man who would think nothing
of smothering a croissant with jam
and butter before dipping it in a bowl
of coffee and calling it breakfast?
Quite frankly, the mind boggles.
Guy Maurice Verhofstadt
Former Belgian Prime
Minister Verhofstadt is one
of the Brussels big hitters
appointed to fight Europe’s
corner in the Brexit battle.
He is on record as demanding
that the UK coughs up a €50 billion
blackmail payment before being
allowed to leave the Single Market.
It’s a ludicrous amount of money,
made even more ridiculous by the
fact that Verhofstadt has the middle
names “Marie Louise” like a woman.
What’s more, for more than 9 years,
Marie Louise was in charge of a
country where more than 60% of
the population is clinically obese.
It’s time to face facts, we’ve got fat
chance of getting a fair deal from
this big-boned Belgian bastard.
Michel Barnier
When you’re trying to
cut a swathe through
the tangled forest of
legislation that is the EU
constitution, you need
someone with an uncommonly
astute mind and an ability to reason.
Instead, in charge of the talks, the
EU have appointed Michel Barnier
- a man who, when he gets caught
short in Paris, would happily get
his cock out and have a piss in the
street behind a little metal screen,
with his head poking over the top for
women and children to see.
NEXT WEEK: Ingledew
Botterill looks at the key
players in the Middle east crisis.
5 DO you know if
zoos accept dona-
tions? Only I’ve lost
one of my socks and
was wondering if
there may be a cold
snake that could use
the remaining one as
a bit of extra insulation
this winter. It’s a beige colour
with a sort of diamond pattern
across the main part, so it’ll blend in
a bit and probably look a bit trendy
to the other snakes.
Rory Walker, email
5 REGARDING Dave Moore’s
letter (Letterbocks 268), I
have just released a good fart on a
northern train. My fellow northern-
ers laughed, but some southerners
were disgusted. The north/south
divide in action.
Julie George, North Yorkshire
5 I JUST drove through a village
called Titsey. Then shortly
after I drove through a village called
Brastead. I have pulled over espe-
cially to write in about this.
Christina Martin, Walton
* Well we are glad that you are once
again writing in, Ms Martin, but
laughing at bras and tits is a little
immature, anachronistic and sexist.
Can we remind you that this is a family
comic, not The Benny Hill Show.
5 DRAGON’S Den is supposed
to star five multi millionaires
listening to people pitching their
business ideas. But they are sitting
in a disused warehouse with un-
painted walls and a rusty old lift. If
they were really multi millionaires,
surely they’d be sitting in a posh
office with a fish tank.
Jim Bermingham, Glasgow
5 DOCTORS keep
telling us to eat
more roughage. Well, I
ate more roughage and
it went straight through
me in a few hours. I’m
afraid I want better
value from my food than
that, ideally something that’s
going to stick around inside me for a
couple of days at least.
Bryan Owl, Doncaster
5 I’VE just done a fart that
sounded just like a medium-
sized motorbike starting up and
accelerating away. Can any of your
readers top that?
Mark Procter, Burnley
* We’re assuming that by ‘medium-
sized,’ Mr Procter means around
150-350cc. Perhaps you’ve done a
more powerful fart that made a noise
like a Royal Enfield 500 or a Harley
Davidson Street 750. Or perhaps,
before it shut, you had a curry at
the Curry Capital, Bigg Market,
Newcastle upon Tyne and made a
noise like a 1200cc Victory Octane.
5 THIS summer I drove past
the famous radio telescope
at Jodrell Bank. It was a sunny day,
and I was shocked to see that the
space scientists had their giant dish
pointed directly at the sun. Boffins?
Idiots more like.
Phil Kitching, Isle of Jura
10
FOOL neighbours into thinking
you own an electric car by sticking
a hosepipe in your fuel tank for
12 hours before going for a drive,
then returning in a tow truck.
Will Mylchreest, Leamington Spa
SAVE money on expensive fruit
cakes by buying a cheap plain
sponge and poking raisins into it
with a knitting needle.
N Crossan, Lasswade
PRETEND you are buying Krispy
Kreme donuts by buying a couple
of donuts from Greggs and insist-
ing you pay a tenner for them.
Dave Turton, Doncaster
SQUARE sheets of bubble-
wrap used as toilet roll make an
excellent early warning ‘popping’
system to alert you that your finger
nails need trimming.
Rory Walker, email
ELDERLY people. When shop-
ping in a supermarket, don’t use
the self-checkout tills. I’m not
even going to waste my energy
stating why. Just don’t.
Paul Foy, Aberdeen
5 WHILST I am pleased to say
that the bout of ringworm on
my ankle is clearing up, I was rather
disappointed to find out that it is
neither a worm nor in my ring. The
name for this ailment is completely
misleading and needs changing to
avoid further confusion.
Andy Pierce, Wrexham
IMPALE dead flies on toothpicks
and display them as a warning to
other flies not to get any fucking
ideas.
Billy Bridgen, Doncaster
GIVE yourself and your friends
that Hollywood happy ending feel-
good factor by all standing around
a dog and laughing when it barks.
R. Schucks, Baldock
FELLAS! When trying to impress
a girl who is vegetarian, “you must
shit like a racehorse” is not an ap-
propriate observation to make.
Henry Hoover, Grimsby
TEENAGERS. Adopt the retail ap-
proach when asking your dad for
a tenner by requesting £9.99, so it
doesn’t sounds as much.
Will Mylchreest, Leamington Spa
BABYBELS make ideal cheese
wheels for action men cheese-
makers.
Razzle Bathbone, Musvat
toptips@viz.co.uk
5 FACEBOOK’S terms assured
me that “only you can see
your search history,” which is just
as well, because I use Facebook to
look up old flames. So imagine my
dismay when my search history was
clearly visible to my wife yesterday,
when she looked over my shoulder
as I searched for busty Sally Beale.
Facebook ought to be ashamed of
itself for misleading its customers.
D Pearson, email
5 “I’M Easy Like Sunday Morn-
ing,” sang the Commodores
in 1977. Well I don’t know what
Sunday morning Lionel Ritchie
was on about because it bears no
resemblance to the one I’m having.
I’ve just woken up on the doormat
with an incredibly
bad hangover and
my pants are full
of shit.
Sam White,
Murmansk
! WHAT is it with volcanoes
these days? So-called ‘erup-
tions’ almost always consist of bor-
ing helicopter footage of unmoving
columns of ash. In all the dinosaur
films I’ve watched they are exciting,
action-packed fiery explosions, with
all red hot lava pouring down the
sides. I bet all the loony lefty telly
bosses have decided that showing
proper old-style volcanic eruptions
would be offensive to ‘minorities’ or
some such. You couldn’t make it up.
Mr Two Jackets, Waterford
! A LOT of people say they’d
like to live forever, but few
think about what that would mean
in a practical sense. For example, we
have a walnut work surface which
needs sanding and oiling every three
months. Every time we sand it we
shave off a thousandth of an inch or
so and at that rate, we’d be without
a work surface in a mere 4,500 years!
Then what? Back to Wickes with the
warranty? Wish me luck with that.
Kevin Turner, Shrewsbury
! WE’RE always hearing about
how obsessed Hitler was with
the efficiency of the German indus-
trial machine, but I notice he didn’t
give two weeks’ notice when he
decided to quit the job as despotic
dictator and left them all in the shit.
Putting a gun to your head is all
very well, but at the end of the day,
someone has to cover your shift.
Lambert Fibreboard, York
! LAST night I had some time
on my hands, so I decided to
list all the reasons, for and against,
for why I might build a helipad on my
roof. After three hours of thinking
about it, I had no reasons in the pro
column. The con column, on the
other hand, had over a hundred, in-
cluding the slope of the roof, minimal
funds, non-possession of a helicopter what saved his life? Necking cheap
and a reluctant, indeed positively
hostile, wife. Do any of your other
readers have helipads, and if so how
did they get it past the missus?
Henry Clockwatcher, Bishop
Aukland
! I KNOW a lot of people
frowned upon the mods versus hell in a handcart.
rocker fights in Brighton during the
1960s, but were they really such a
bad thing? At least they brought
people together and gave them a
sense of community. Today’s youth
would rather fight inter-galactic bat- will tell you that semen originates
tles in their bedrooms. Where’s the
sense in that, dare I ask?
Cuthbert Bodrum, Surrey
! BLOKES get erections every
morning, yet the concept of
‘morning’ depends on where you
! ORGANISERS of nazi and
anti-nazi marches could avoid
an awful lot of trouble if they just
live as the ‘morning line’ spins held their meetings on different days.
round the earth. In effect, men have Auntie Fa, Burningham
been doing a “bone-on Mexican
wave” around the world for thou-
sands of years! ! WHY is it that dinosaurs on
telly and in books always look
so bloody angry and aggressive?
Ross Kennet, email
You never see them rolling around
! I TAUGHT my two-year-old
son how to say ‘Silly twat’ the
other day. I’m now beginning to
in mud, frollicking about or sniffing
each other’s arses like normal ani-
mals do. I bet it was murder living
wonder if it was a good idea as he back then with all that ‘tude.
repeats it parrot-fashion at every
given opportunity. I’m guessing this
Dewson, Poole
is one of those ‘value of hindsight’
sort of scenarios. ! I HAVE just walked past a large
group of hen parties waiting
outside a nearby club for a night of
Rory Walker, email
male strippers. I feel the govern-
! BROOKLYN Beckham is said
to have inherited his mother
Victoria’s artistic talent. I for one
ment could utilise them as a frontline
force. ISIS wouldn’t stand a chance.
Quinn, London
would give the lad a chance, instead
of writing him off with such a slur at
such a young age. ! I LOVE the way newsreaders
say a suspect is helping police
! I THINK I spotted the Fat
Slags in Hellblazer Re-birth.
David Craik, Hull
with their enquiries. Why can’t they
be honest and say that the police
What do I win?
Ben, email
! WHEN I was about 8, I made
a promise to God that if I
got a bike I would believe in Him.
are knocking the shit out of them
until they get a confession?
Gillboy, Glasgow
Next morning, there was no bike
! WHILST pissed last night, my so I forgot about the whole thing. I
mate Tom choked on a fistful have just realised, however, that I
of mashed potato. And do you know omitted to put a time limit on the
! SEEING as though the very
first Olympics were held
776 BC, it must have been pretty
deal, and I did get a bike about 4 hard to claim any kind of record.
lager from Aldi to clear the block- years later. Admittedly, my mum Stopwatches weren’t invented, and
age. If it wasn’t for cut-price booze and dad gave it to me, but He could those sundials must have been okay
my mate would be dead. have been acting through them, His for the marathon but pretty crap for
Wez Coombes, Bristol wonders to perform. Do I have to something like the 100 metres.
believe in God now? I just wanted a Tommy Ballsup, Luton
! YESTERDAY on Countdown, bike, I didn’t want to get trapped in
Susie Dent offered up ‘fugli-
est’ for an 8. Nick Hewer didn’t bat
some sort of Faustian pact.
! MY wife was moaning last
week that we don’t have a ma-
an eyelid. This country’s going to
Bigolly, Adelaide ture relationship and that she wants
Tarps, Hooky ! MY WIFE is always saying,
“That’s like closing the stable
door after the horse has bolted.”
to leave me. How can she do that to
me during the conker season?
Grant B Warner,
! IN issue 268, the headmaster
in Tinribs states his “testicles
are full of semen.” Any school boy
But we haven’t got a horse, unless
of course she’s bought one behind
my back. I’ll be checking the credit
New Zealand
card statements very closely this
from the prostate gland. The testi- month for sure.
cles deliver the sperm bit of spunk.
Brampton Carlisle, Henley
Wizbit, email
11
Pip Peloton! of
the
It was the final leg of the Tour de France, a gruelling 120km mountain
stage from Orléans to Paris, and Pip needed a win to secure the pres-
tigious yellow jersey that he’d longed for all his life.
You’ll be holding onto my
saddle all the way, won’t you?
Ever since he was a child,
Pip Parker had dreamed Feeling confident, son? Yes Dad. Today’s
of becoming a top racing my big chance.
cyclist and winning the
Tour de France. And he
had never let the fact that
he couldn’t ride a bike get
in the way of that dream.

Of course, Pip.

The race got underway …

Promise me you won’t let Are you still there, Dad?
go. If you let go I’ll fall off. Trois… deux…
un… Allez!
Don’t worry. I’ll
be running along
behind you, son.

I’m here.
Just keep
pedalling.
You’re doing
All the way to Paris, Dad? really well.
All the way to Paris, Pip.
15km into the stage, Pip made his break from the Despite needing his father’s help to keep his bike Just then …
main pack… upright, Pip was truly the King of the Mountains as he Dad! Look out for
powered way up the steep Morsange sur Orge... that pothole!
Time to put some space
between me and the peloton! Smashing. I’m right
behind you, Pip. If I’m still in the lead at the summit, then it’s
downhill all the way to the Arc de Triomphe!
Don’t let
go, Dad.

Good lad,
Pip. You’re
really doing
smashing.

KRUNCH! Wooah! Dad! I’m

falling! Catch me!

A S H ! Oof!
Oh no! Here comes the peloton.
I’m about to lose my lead!

CR
Gah! My Dad! You’ve let go!
ankle!

12
 The pack swept past …
Come on, Dad. Get hold of the
saddle for me! I’ve still got the legs to
catch them up and regain my lead!
Sorry, son. I’m
afraid I can’t. My
ankle’s twisted.
What are you doing, Dad?
You’ll see in a minute, Pip. It’s a
good job I never go anywhere
without my keyring multitool.
Pip jumped on his newly customised machine
and set off in pursuit of the peloton…
These stabilisers are top!
I’m going faster than ever!
B R RRRRR!
With his dad’s ingenious buggy-wheel stabilisers
keeping him upright, Pip crossed the finish line a
tyre’s width ahead of his nearest rival.
Yes! I’ve done
it! I’ve won!...
B R RRRRR!
Zut alors! Je me suis
batté! Merde avec
sucre surtout!
I’m afraid I can’t run another step. It’s an old buggy. Give me a hand pulling it out
Not necessarily, Pip. Look at this... of the ditch, will you, son? I’ve had an idea.
It’s come up like a ruddy balloon.
What is it? I don’t understand.
Well, there go my chances
of winning the yellow jersey.
Mr Parker quickly removed the buggy’s Before you go, I’ll just wedge this lolly
back wheels and bolted them onto the Well don’t stand there admiring them all
day. Get on that bike and win that race! stick in the back forks… it’ll hit the spokes
rear hub of Pip’s racing bike… and make it sound like a motorbike.
There you go, son. Your Wow! Don’t
very own set of stabilisers. They’re worry. I
great! will!
Ace! Thanks, Dad!
He quickly caught up with the pack and began to weave 15km later, Pip was vying for the lead as the finish line
his way through the mass of riders battling for position came in sight…
on the fast downhill run into the outskirts of Paris… I can do this. One final push and
B R RRRRR! the maillot jaune will be mine!
B R RRRRR!
Shortly…
Ooh la la! Felicatations, This one’s for
Monsieur Parker! you, Dad!
…And
look! No
hands!
THE END
13
14
MAY GETS TOUGH ON EU
PM ready for WAR
I
T’S CLEAR that with the remaining EU
member states lining up foursquare against
the UK, the British government’s Article
50 team have got their work cut out to get
us the deal we both want and deserve when
we leave Europe. And, after promising the
with EU negotiators
country a red, white and blue Brexit, THERESA
MAY is understood to be getting increasingly
frustrated at the lack of progress in the talks.
According to insiders, the
Prime Minister is considering ANOTHER
bringing an end to the stale-
mate with a dramatic show of BREXCLUSIVE!
military strength. “The intran-
sigence of the Brussels nego-
tiators will be met with a rain
of fire and fury such as the Eu-
ropean Union has never seen
before,” said a Downing Street
source. And as a further round
of talks once again broke down
due to bickering over the so-
called Brexit divorce bill, May
last night gave the order to be-
gin amassing a threatening Ar-
mada of Royal Navy warships assault hovercraft will com-
off the Belgian coast. mence their attack.”
ships “They will make their way
up the Willebroek Canal into
Although the ships are offi- the heart of Brussels, where
cially taking part in a training they will disembark and make
exercise, it is understood that their way to the main entrance
each one is equipped with 200 of the Éspace Leopold where
live Sidewinder missiles and up the talks are being held,”
to 2,000 battle-ready troops. said General Jackson. “After
The source told us: “Obvious- breaching the main entrance, E-DAY LANDINGS: Day
ly, we hope it doesn’t come the leading unit will deploy of reckoning as Europe
to armed conflict, but rest as- flash grenades to disorientate (left) gets a taste of
sured we are ready to do what- civil servants and MEPs, secur- where they will roll a smoke by the British negotiating team British spunk.
ever it takes to secure the UK ing the lobby as a beachhead bomb under the table in order of David Davis, Liam Fox and awe operation that the British
an advantageous Brexit deal.” to allow specialised assault de- to confuse and disorientate Boris Johnson,” he added. armed forces have always ex-
Monsieur Barnier and his stand
“If we have to fight, then tachments to make their way team of hostile negotiators.”
celled in.”
so be it. But be in no doubt. It further into the building.” “The troops will then lob “The victorious task force
will be a short fight and we will mix another smoke bomb under will then sail back into Ports-
women
win,” the source added. “The enemy prisoners will the table for good measure, mouth, where they will receive
“A crack unit of twenty com- then be restrained with cable
and large mandos will then make their before making their way back a tickertape welcome from
ties round their wrists and to the lift and swiftly withdraw- crowds of jubilant wellwishers,
It was a sentiment echoed way up to the seventh floor. black hoods pulled over their
by retired Chief of the Gener- One soldier will remain by the ing from the arena of conflict,” including several women wav-
heads, except for Jean-Claude said General Jackson. “It will ing Union Jacks while jumping
al Staff General Sir Jermaine lift, pressing the button every Juncker, who will be marched
Jackson. He told us: “The few seconds to stop it going be the sort of textbook up and down with their tits
into an ante-room. Here he in and out, shock and out,” General Jackson added.
whole operation will be run back down. The rest will run will be forced at gunpoint to
like clockwork. Once the or- down the corridor, kicking sign a document of red, white
der to go in and secure Brexit open doors until they locate
is given, eight detachments of the room where the Brexit
and blue Brexit, allowing us
to keep all the good bits of + +TEXT VOTE+ +
marines aboard amphibious negotiations are taking place, membership of the EU with-
out having to contribute any-
When do YOU think we
thing, that has been drawn up should send in the army
to sort out the Article
50 negotiations?
Just text ‘Now’, ‘Immediately’ or ‘Without Delay’
to one of the following numbers:

Now 0181 180 55

Immediately 01 81 180 55
Without Delay 01811 80 55
Text votes will be charged at the rate of €1 (£8.50) each, plus your local network rate.

16
 DISCOUNT CODE : XMAS10

MENS, WOMENS, KIDS

SUPPORT THE CAUSE & GRAB YOURS!

STEP ONE.

STEP TWO.

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FREE!
in the
next
issue of
The

Around the World in 80* Swears

ON SALE
16 NNOVEMBER
th
*Give or take 44

19
MICK OR TREAT!
Stingy locals short-changed
Halloween caller Ratcock
Y
OUNGSTERS love Halloween.
Whether they’re donning a ghostly
costume to frighten their friends,
hollowing out an eerie pumpkin for the
garden gate, or holding a torch under
their chin to spook the people next door,
there’s nothing British kids like better
on All Hallows’ Eve than giving their
neighbours a good old scare.
And fun-loving South Yorkshire
lad MICK RATCOCK is no
exception. After missing out on
several Halloweens during his
youth, Mick, 23, has enthusias-
tically taken up trick-or-treating
again, donning fancy dress each
October 31st and calling on
houses in and around his home
town of Rotherham. But since
his return from where he has
been, he has consistently been
dismayed by the mean-spirited
response he has received from
penny-pinching locals.
“When I was a nipper, Hallow-
een was great fun,” Mick told us.
“All the neighbours on the estate
would participate, giving us kids
sweets as we went from door to
door in our spooky costumes.
Every October 31st was a lovely
community event, with everyone
in the area joining in the innocent
fun.”
EXCLUSIVE!
“Then, when I was seventeen, I
went somewhere else for six years
where they didn’t do trick-or-treat-
ing,” Mick continued. “While I was
in this place, I really missed the
fun and community spirit of Hal-
loween. I couldn’t wait to get back
to my old estate to enjoy it again.”
Fangs for
nothing
As soon as he got back from
where he had been, the heavily
tattooed youngster dressed up
in a light-hearted horror cos-
tume and set off for a jolly night
of trick-or-treating. He told us:
“On my return to Rotherham, I
thought I’d simply take up where
I’d left off, going from door to
door, and putting the willies up
people in return for sweets.”
“Strictly speaking, it
wasn’t actually Halloween,
it was the middle of Sep-
tember,” he told us. “But
I was so excited I just
couldn’t wait the extra six
weeks till October 31st to
try out my super-spooky
costume door to door.”
suit
“I had decided to go
as a Dracula, who usu-
ally wear black evening
suits with wing collars,
dickie bows and silk-lined
capes,” said Ratcock. “How-
ever, I didn’t have any of
those clothing items, so I
put on my black jeans and
Bolt for the door: Mick’s
monster costume went
unappreciated.
a black anorak instead. I pulled
the hood up over my head to hide
my face and looked in the mirror.
I had to admit, I was no Chris-
topher Lee or Peter Cushing, but
it was just a bit of fun after all,
and I was in good spirits as I set
off to make my first trick-or-treat
house call as a vampire, with a
holdall over my shoulder to put
my haul of sweets in.”
“I had decided to start my Hal-
loween rounds by calling at the
biggest house in the neighbour-
hood, which was about a twenty
minute walk away on the other
side of town. To give the home-
owner a proper good-natured
Halloween fright and bag myself a
tasty treat - perhaps a Mars Bar,
an apple, or a few Haribos - I de-
cided not to approach the house
up the well-lit front drive.”
cake
“Instead, I sneaked round the
back, climbed on top of some bins
to get over the wall and dropped
down into the yard. I didn’t want
20
to waste time knocking on the
door if the householders weren’t
in, so I crouched down under the
window and peeked into the kitch-
en to see if anyone was about. As
luck would have it, at that moment
the wifey who lived there was at
the sink filling the kettle and she
clocked me. She let out a high-
pitched scream of terror - clearly
my Dracula costume was better
than I thought.”
“Her husband came rushing
down the stairs, saw me at the
window and picked up one of
his golf clubs. Moments later he
came dashing out into the yard
yelling blue murder. Something
told me there was no Mars Bar
waiting for me at this house, so
I turned tail and fled. The bloke
pursued me as far as the snicket
into the precinct before he finally
gave up the chase.”
“It’s one thing not to want to
join in the fun on Halloween, but
quite another to threaten an in-
nocent youngster with physical
violence just for trick-or-treating.”
The Candyman can’t:
Fun-loving Mick found
Halloween home-owners
humourless.
Ghost of a
chance
However, Ratcock was de-
termined not to let one bad
experience with a killjoy put
him off trick-or-treating, and a
week later he set out for anoth-
er try in a new costume.
He told us: “This time I was
dressed up as a ghost monk, with
black jeans, a dark grey hoodie
pulled down to cover my face and
give me a spooky appearance,
and a pair of motorcycle gloves. I
know a real ghost monk probably
wouldn’t wear motorcycle gloves,
but it was chilly that night. I put a
box of eggs, two toilet rolls and a
bag of flour into a holdall, ready
to play a few cheeky pranks on
householders who opted for a
trick instead of giving me a treat.”
party
“Getting my scary spook cos-
tume just right took me longer
than expected, and it was after
 the door and released two enor-
mous alsatians, who came bark-
ing down the path after me.”
card
“I swung my bag at the dogs
to fend them off, and they
squealed in pain as
the heavy
crate-open-
ing tools took
Light-hearted bite: the wind out
Neighbours nobbled of their sails.
Ratcock’s Halloween fun.
Thanks to the
noise, lights
were going on
2am when I finally hit the streets. all the way down the street as
And in my rush to get out knock- I vaulted the gate. Sadly, I real-
ing on the neighbours’ doors, I ised I wasn’t going to surprise
must have accidentally picked up anyone with my ghostly trick-
the wrong bag, because when I or-treating that night so I set off
got to the first house and looked home with no sweets to show
inside, there were just the tools for my efforts.”
I use for opening crates when I
order things from abroad in there
- a jemmy, a baseball bat and a
Halloween
hammer.” haul
“Nevertheless, I decided to
press on. I still thought my bub- Of course, not all of Mick’s
bly sense of Halloween fun would moonlit Halloween sorties have
been quite so unsuccessful. On
win the day and bring out my
a few memorable occasions he
neighbours’ generous side. As I
has returned home with DVD
made my way up the back lane,
players, video game consoles,
testing latches as I went, I could
laptop computers and wallets to
almost taste the delicious Milky
show for his light-hearted trick-
Ways, Topics and Aeros I was
or-treat forays. Sadly, however,
going to soon be getting.”
such profitable door-to-door
“I finally found a gate that had adventures are becoming the ex-
been left unlocked and quietly ception rather than the rule.
went in. I didn’t want to alert any
He told us: “The happy-go-
of the nearby householders that
I was out and about, spoiling the lucky old days are over. I can’t
surprise when it was their turn to help feeling that people are getting
get trick-or-treated.” more and more mean-spirited.”
cup
“It was very dark as I made
my way towards the house and “I remember this one time,
I accidentally tripped over a small I’d got a part-time day job on a
dustbin, sending its lid spinning scheme for people who’d been
noisily across the path. Immedi- away for a bit, selling dusters and
ately, a light snapped on upstairs household items from door to
and a man’s face appeared at the door. It was a proper scheme, be-
window. Thinking I had blown my cause I’d got an ID badge and ev-
chance of surprising this home- erything. Anyway, one day while I
owner, I legged it. But as I ran was out on the knock, I called at a
towards the gate, the man opened house. The door was opened by
an old lady who appeared to live
alone. I showed her my badge
and she bought a duster for
£20. As she got
the money out
of her purse,
she told me
that she
lived on
her own as
her husband
had recently
died.”
“I felt sor-
ry for the old
lady, and re-
solved to come
back and cheer
her up by trick-or-
treating her in one of my spooky
costumes. I knew Halloween was
still six months away, but I sim-
ply didn’t have the heart to make
her wait that long to receive her
special spooky doorstep visitor. I
decided to return that very night
to do my neighbourly good deed.”
filter
“I decided to dress up as a
werewolf, complete with a dark
shellsuit, a black woollen ski-
mask to represent its hairy face
and my motorcycle gloves for
paws. The effect was quite con-
vincing, and as I set out for the
old lady’s house at 2am, I no-
ticed it was a full moon to add to
the eerie effect.”
“As usual, I went round the
back of the house and tried the
door to the kitchen, where I’d seen
her put her purse earlier in the day.
As I tapped gently on the door,
a pane of glass just fell out and
smashed on the floor. I thought I’d
better clean the broken glass up,
so I reached through and undid
the latch to let myself in.”
board
“Fortunately, I’d brought a
torch with me, so I started look-
ing round the room for a dust-
pan and brush. Suddenly, I felt
the most almighty thump on my
ear. I turned round to see a great
big bloke standing there in his
pyjama bottoms. It was the old
lady’s grandson, and from the
furious expression on his face,
he certainly wasn’t entering into
the happy-go-lucky trick-or-treat
spirit of All Hallows’ Eve.”
“While fending off a vicious rain
of blows from the mean-spirited
man, I made a run for it. But he
wasn’t giving up, and gave chase
for more than a mile, shouting
four-letter abuse all the while. For-
tunately, I’m very familiar with all
the ginnels and cut-throughs on
the estate and I eventually man-
aged to give him the slip.”
“The man must have called
999, because the police heli-
copter spent the rest of the night
hovering overhead sweeping its
searchlight over the neighbour-
hood. Just like a real werewolf, I
eventually woke up at dawn in a
strange place and with the taste
of blood in my mouth. I was in
someone’s shed where I had tak-
en refuge from the bizzies.”
Prank-
enstein’s
monster
Mick had been shocked and
disappointed by the killjoy attitude
of the old lady’s grandson when
all he’d wanted to do was bring a
little bit of Halloween magic into
her lonely life. Many people would
have given up trick-or-treating af-
ter such an experience, but the
21
setback merely left him
even more determined to
keep the harmless tradi-
tion alive.
“It was early Decem-
ber, and I was getting
really excited that October
31st was less than 11
months away. I’ve always
felt sorry for people who
have to work on Halloween,
because they miss out on all the
ghostly fun that I take for grant-
ed,” he told us. through it, I was horrified to see
that three bottles of methadone
park had fallen in while I was looking
“It occurred to me that there for the alarm switch, along with
might be a night security guard a big box of syringes and some
at the local medical centre who wobbly eggs. I couldn’t believe it.”
would appreciate a light-hearted
“I tried explaining the accidental
trick-or-treat visit from Franken-
Halloween mix-up to the arresting
stein’s monster to liven up his
bizzy, but he wouldn’t listen. Even
dull shift.”
the fact that I was obviously wear-
“My costume presented a ing a Frankenstein outfit couldn’t
problem. I didn’t have a shabby make him see sense.”
jacket and trousers like Boris
Karloff, so I made do with a black
shitter
puffa jacket and dark Kappa “As I was driven away in the
tracksuit bottoms. In place of the back of a police van, I reflected
monster’s heavy boots, I went for
a pair of trainers. To complete the
about my recent Halloween ex-
periences. The childlike sense of
full Transylvanian effect, I put on
a baseball hat and pulled it down
spooky fun had been lost some-
where along the way, and I felt
right over my eyes.” sad about the state of the world I
had come back to from where I’d
“When I arrived at the clinic,
been for the previous six years. I
the place was in darkness; not
suppose I had just assumed that
really surprising as it was after
everything would still be the same
3am. I thought the security guard
as it had been before I went away,
might be hanging about near the
but in fact nothing could be fur-
pharmacy where they keep all
ther from the truth. Things had
the methadone and prescription
changed, and not for the better.”
pads, so I headed round the back
of the building and climbed over Mick has since left the South
the chainlink fence.” Yorkshire area to go somewhere
else for at least eighteen months.
loo But when he gets back from
“I thought I’d sneak into the where he has gone, the young-
health centre and creep up on the ster hopes that the people of his
guard to heighten his Halloween native Rotherham will have re-dis-
thrill, but here’d been a lot of bur- covered some of the innocent
glaries in the area just recently, so magic of trick-or-treating once
they’d beefed up the locks on the again.
door to the pharmacy. However,
by complete coincidence, some-
one had dropped a jemmy nearby
so I was able to use that to force
the pharmacy door open.”
“I stepped inside, ready to
shout ‘trick-or-treat!’. But as I
did so, an alarm went off. As
the sirens wailed, I quickly rifled
through the shelves of drugs
and pills, looking for the button to
switch the alarm off, but I couldn’t
find it. After two or three minutes
of searching, I decided to aban-
don my Halloween prank and
set off home.”
“I was just cutting
through a back al-
ley to get to some
waste ground
when I was rug-
by-tackled to
the ground by
a burly copper.
As he opened
my holdall and
started rooting Give up the ghost: Rotherham
residents didn’t enter into the
Halloween spirit.
23
24
Parsehole & Dorgan. It’s Britain’s Biggest Bell Ends on the End of Britain’s Biggest Bell
HEN I heard the
W news that Big Ben’s
bongs were to be si-
lenced for four years to allow
maintenance work to be car-
ried out, I am not ashamed to
say that I cried.
I wept, I lachrymated, I boo-hooed, I
broke down and I howled.
I sobbed and I snivelled
I blubbed and I whimpered.
It is no exaggeration to say that I
whined and I puled.
And pule is a proper word mean-
ing cry, and if you don’t believe me
just look it up in Roget’s Thesaurus
like I did.
I cried because, as that magnificent
bronze bell tintinabulated for the final
time, its sonorous E-natural note dying
in the breeze that blew across Parliament
Green, something inside me died with it.
Indeed, something inside the heart
of every proud Englishman, English-
woman and Englishchild died, snuffed
out like a candle in the wind by the
fickle finger of fate.
For there is surely no more stirring
English sound than the chimes of Big
Ben.
The sound of Morris Men dancing
round the maypole on the village green...
The sound of bobbies on bicycles two
by two...
The sound of Rule Britannia at the
Last Night of the Proms...
ALL THE CELEBRITY
NEWS & GOSSIP
N The Day Big Ben was Hushed
ONE of us will ever forget
where we were when we first
heard the terrible news that
Big Ben was to fall silent until 2021.
Some people may have been do-
ing the washing up. Others were
perhaps sitting in their vest, watch-
ing a low-brow talent show on
television while eating a bag of
supermarket own-brand crisps.
Or maybe they were attempting to
patch up an area of rust on their
a fourth-hand car, parked on the
street outside their home on a run-
down sink estate. I was at Rao’s -
which is New York’s most exclusive
restaurant, according to Vanity Fair.
It is such an exclusive restaurant
that many of my closest friends
including Sir Elton John, Ralph
Lauren, Bruce Willis, Winona Ry-
der, Meryl Streep, Whoopi Gold-
berg and Christopher Walken,
have often been unable to make
a booking despite being extremely
famous. Other A-listers, such as
Bruce Springsteen, Fabio, Kevin
Spacey, Martha Reeves and the
Vandellas and Ringo Starr, have
been able to get a table, but only
These all pale into insignificance be-
side this big clock’s clangs, which have
rang out unbroken through 157 years
of our nation’s proud history.
Hitler could not silence Big Ben’s
clangs in 1939. General Galtieri could
not silence Big Ben’s clangs in 19XX
(subs check date). Arthur Scargill could
not silence Big Ben’s clangs in 1984-85.
But now Big Ben’s clangs have been
silenced by an invisible enemy that we
cannot fight. They have been silenced
by Health & Safety.
And not just any Health & Safety.
For those majestic bongs that have
faithfully sounded out the unbroken
heartbeat of our democracy since
18XX (subs check date), except for
maintenance work between 1983 and
1985, and again in 2007, have finally
been silenced for the first time in their
history by Health & Safety gone mad.
It is feared that maintenance staff
working on the clock mechanism could
have their hearing irreparably dam-
aged by the deafening, quarter-hourly
120 decibel strikes of the 13.5 ton
bronze bell.
What nonsense.
What 497n. Absurdity, stuff, balder-
dash, gammon, rubbish, rot, tommy rot,
PIERCE DORGAN
after telling the Maitre d’ that they are
close friends of mine.
On the night in question, I was lean-
ing over Will Smith to ask Scarlett
Johannson if she could ask Javier
Bardem to pass me over the brown
sauce when George Clooney and
Hulk Hogan had finished with it. I was
going to put some on my Sea Urchin
Ceviché with a Timbale of Kumquat-
infused Foie Gras, which costs $200
and that’s just the starter.
Suddenly, someone tapped me on
the shoulder and said: “Piers, have
you heard? They’re going to switch off
Big Ben for four years due to essential
maintenance work.” I immediately rec-
ognised the voice as that of my good
friend Dame Kiri Te Kanawa, with
whom I once went on an exclusive first
class world cruise, along with Frank-
lin D Rooseveldt, Jay Leno, Goldie
Hawn and Humphrey Lyttelton.
25
When I heard
that Big Ben
was to fall
silent, the clock
springs of my
heart broke
drivel, twaddle, bosh, tosh, tripe, piffle,
bilge. Adj. fatuous, piffling.
Did our brave boys ask the Hun to
keep the noise down at the Somme?
Did the Paras politely request that
the Argies put a sock in it as they
yomped their way to Goose Green?
Did Monty ask Rommel to fit
silencers on his Panzer guns in case
they startled the Eighth Army at El
Allalalmien (check sp)? There is only
one answer to all them questions, and maintenance men in cotton wool and
that answer is no. breeding a nation of softies. Indeed,
No. if Winston Churchill was alive today,
he would be turning in his grave at the
And thrice no.
nation of softies we there thats 500
We are wrapping our Big Ben wds. inv enc.
As the enormity of what my pos-
sibly best friend in the world had just
told me began to sink in, I must have
looked quite shocked, because a gag-
gle of many of my other extremely close
friends - including, but not limited to,
Eric Clapton, Adele, Sean Connery,
Mark Wahlberg, Professor Steven
Hawking, Buster Bloodvessel, David
Letterman, Kirk Douglas, Michael
Douglas and Floyd Mayweather -
formed an orderly queue to comfort me.
I was cheered by their kind words,
especially those of Julio Iglesias, A few, but by no means all, of my friends
Herb Alpert and Neymar the world’s and has said on numerous occa-
most expensive footballer. They sions that I am his best friend and
wished me well because they all like he would, if necessary, lay down
me so much. Eventually the main his life for me, a sentiment that has
course arrived, which cost $1000. It been echoed by countless others
was my favourite; truffles on a bed of among my famous coterie, includ-
saffron jus, with all caviars emptied ing Janet Jackson, Ivanka Trump,
on the top, but the thought of never Morgan Freeman and Craig off
hearing the bells of Big Ben ever Big Brother 1.
again until 2021 had robbed me of
“I’m just sad, Idris Elba,” I replied.
my appetite, and I just played with
“The thought of never hearing the
my food listlessly.
bells of Big Ben ever again until 2021
“What’s the matter, Piers?” asked has robbed me of my appetite.”
Idris Elba, who is a massive star © Pierce Dorgan 2017
To Celebrate the BIGGEST ANNUAL EVER

COPIES OF THE

26SHOES
MUST BE WON!
WE
JESTER’S

ALL REMEMBER where we were when we

heard that Kennedy had been shot, that
WARNING!
REMEMBER TO
WEAR A SURG
TRUSS WHENE
REMOVING TH
ICAL
VER
IS
man had landed on the Moon and that Lady Di had BOOK FROM
carked it. Well, take a good look at what you’re doing A SHELF
NOW, because in future years THAT will be what you
EXTREMELY THICK*
were doing when you heard that Viz had released its
BIGGEST EVER ANNUAL - The Jester’s Shoes.
In the past, we have ripped you off with a series of measly 160-
page books. Christmas after Christmas, you have been royally
screwed into coughing up your hard-earned cash for annuals that are
as thin as a vegan’s dog. Words cannot explain how sorry we are for fucking over
*photograph
our readers in the past. We are truly sorry. You deserved better and we let you down. not to scale
But all that’s set to change with the pub-
lication of our latest annual. Because The
Jester’s Shoes contains a massive 200
PAGES of cartoons, features, spoof ads,
A pair of Shoe Competitions!
letters and tips… the best bits of issues 242-
251. That’s a whopping 25% more than in A Find Your B Whose Shoes
previous years.
And Viz editor, Hampton Doubleday, had
Feet Wordsearch are Thoose Shoes?
HIDDEN in the Wordsearch square are 25 dif- HAVE we got shoes for you? Well, yes, 20 pairs
this warning for any readers contemplating ferent words and terms from Roger’s Profani- to be exact. Because in the squares are a score
splashing out on The Jester’s Shoes: “We saurus that pertain to feet and footwear. As of pairs of shoes belonging to Viz characters. For
would implore prospective purchasers to ever, they may be written vertically, horizontal- your chance to win the competition, use your
make sure that their bookcases can cope with ly or diagonally, backwards or forwards. Mark skill and judgement to match the shoes to the
the extreme weight of this massive book.” them in the grid by drawing a sort of long, characters that wear them. Fill in your answers in
thin sausage round them with a biro. the spaces provided.
“If you are in any doubt, consult a qualified
structural engineer about reinforcing your ex- Entering couldn’t be simpler! You may enter either of these competitions to win a book, or double your chances
isting shelves with steel scaffolding, because of winning by entering both. If you enter either of the competitions, but NOT both, then mark your entry ‘Sole Entry 1’ if
The Jester’s Shoes is so big it will reduce you are only entering the Whose Shoes Are Thoose Shoes? competition, or ‘Sole Entry 2’ if you are entering the Find
ordinary shelves to matchwood,” he contin- Your Feet Wordsearch. If you are entering BOTH competitions, you must designate one as your ‘Primary Entry’ and
ued. “If you go out to buy it, take an engine the other as your ‘Secondary Entry’, marking your entry appropriately in the space or spaces provided.
hoist to the bookshop to manoeuvre it to Terms and Conditions. The prize draw will take place over two rounds, Round 1 and Round 2, with 13 books
the till. And once you get your book home, being awarded in each round. In Round 1, the Competition A round, entries will be drawn out of a hat contain-
ing all correct entries. If the entry drawn is designated as the ‘Sole Entry’ or ‘Primary Entry’ for Competition A, it will
be careful when you walk past it. With 200 automatically win a book. If, however, the entry drawn is marked as the ‘Secondary Entry’ for Competition A, it will
pages, this annual exerts a powerful gravita- be marked with an “X” in the official box and replaced in the hat. If, during the first round, an entry is drawn out that
tional force that could easily pull an unwary is marked as the ‘Sole Entry’ for Competition B, it will not win a book and is eliminated from subsequent rounds.
person off their feet.” Any entries drawn from the hat during the remainder of Round 1 that have been marked with an “X” will be elimi-
nated from the competition without winning a prize. When thirteen prizes have been awarded in Round 1, Round
But before you head out to your local book- 2, the Competition B round, will commence. In Round 2, any correct entry which has Competition B marked as its
shop armed with a block & tackle and a sack ‘Primary’ or ‘Sole Entry’ will win a book, regardless of whether or not it has been previously marked with an “X”. Any
barrow, stop! Because we’ve got 25 of the entry marked with Competition A as the ‘Sole Entry’ or ‘Primary Entry’ will be eliminated during the Round 2 draw.
Any entry drawn from the hat with Competition B as its ‘Secondary Entry’ will automatically win a book, unless it is
gargantuan fuckers to give away in this fan- marked with an “X”. This process will continue until 13 books have been awarded. The closing dates are as follows:
tastic pair of “Shoe” competitions. Enter one Competition A Sole Entries, Monday 30th October; Competition A Primary Entries, Tuesday 31st October;
or both now for your chance to win a copy of Competition B Sole Entries, Wednesday 1st November; Competition B Primary Entries, Thursday 2nd Novem-
The Jester’s Shoes that has been signed and ber. If you are entering both competitions, the closing date is one week after the closing date corresponding to your
cartooned on by the authors. Secondary or Primary entry, whichever comes first. Send your entry to: Jester’s Shoes Book Competitions , Viz,
PO Box 841, Whitley Bay, Tyne and Wear, NE 26 9EQ. Mark your envelope “Competition A” or “Competition B” if
So, go on… Fill Your Boots and enter you are only entering one competition, or, if you are entering both competitions, “Competition (x[P] + y[S]), where
these competitions for your chance to X and Y represent your Primary [P] and Secondary [S] Competition preferences, A or B as applicable. Please note:
WIN The Jester’s Shoes! Your home may be at risk if you violate these competition rules.

26
 F
R
Q
A
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SEARCH
E B W E K T T U M O G A R P F M N T R S M U R C K F I O S HIDDEN WORDS
K O S E Q O L E P Y T H S O F W D S O U L B T R P U L N R
A X R V I O D L K P T P L H E L W S G Y O O B U R C S B E winkle picker • Bilbo Baggins’ foot
M S C A F B P H J T I L R V E L O N U N O U G F A K K O P pig’s toe • fanny like a bowling shoe
G P O A I S X U K O U E M I S R O P E F E G T E O M C O P Turkish slippers• farmer’s footprint
O E K L M R T Z O F P I S W N E L K S R B E K L I E U T I arse like a clogmaker’s hammer
L C B H L E A O Y P I L B R D T I N E O V A I H G S D S L ankle splasher• welly full of custard
C I D F L P L L O C Y H P I A E I P O B M L N M T H C R S Dutch brogues•zoo keeper’s boot
A A V U O E L S S B W C G L P G M T P L U M D C E O L O H lib dem loafers•swellington boots
E L L O T E A T T Y Y M I F G L S K U U L T B F S E O T S flush puppies •Aladdin’s slippers
K M O Y W K O L T O E L E A N A T R E P P I L S H S I F I athlete’s foot•pugg boots•thankles
I L B K B O T O P G E J B O P U W V T S P H P I L H R O K duck slippers •shoebox special
L M I F B O P I G S T O E B W C B L M U H R S P K L U T R tits like a dog owner’s slipper•fankle
E K T L X Z C T J Z B A C A O T U E T B M O L U A T R S U beer shoes•camel’s toe•make a clog
S R A T R E P P I L S S R E N W O G O D A E K I L S T I T fuck me shoes•flap-flops•anal boot
R N S T C H L A I V T O O F S E T E L H T A T O H F A T R whoreshoes•shoe bun•fish slipper
A K P D T N I B A V B P A L A D D I N S S L I P P E R S L gideon gumboot•shoe shiners
wobbly boots•lush puppies
Can YOU identify these Viz charactersfrom their footware?
WHOSE SHOES ARE THOOSE SHOES?
(Clue: Baz out of the Fat Slags has got a pencil moustache and Buster Gonad looks completely different because he hasn’t)
A B C D E

F H I J

L M O

K N

P Q T

R S
Send your completed entry to:
Name Address Viz Jester’s Shoes Competition, PO Box 841,
Whitley Bay, NE26 9EQ to arrive before Monday
Post Code 30th October. A list of lucky winners will be
published in the Christmas issue.
I am entering: Both competitions Find Your Feet (Primary Secondary ) Whose Shoes (Primary Secondary ) Do not tick: For Official Use Only
27
O
NE of the most thrilling things a grown man can do is to run his own model railway. These miniature dioramas, complete
with locomotives, sidings and stations, are a constant source of delight and excitement. But don’t think you can simply
buy an off-the-shelf train set, nail it to a bit of board and be done. Because a serious model railway hobbyist is dedicated
to the pursuit of nothing less than scaled-down perfection, and the countless hours he spends working on his layout are a la-
bour of love. Let’s venture up into the loft and find out about this endlessly fascinating pastime as we look at a day in the life of...

•
A MODEL RAILWAY ENTHUSIAST •

am. While the rest of the world slumbers, the model train enthusiast
6.00.00 is already pursuing his pastime. Just like their full size counterparts,
miniature railways run to a strict timetable and the first service of the day, a freight train
carrying small plastic milk churns round the back of the hot water tank, is due to depart
at 6.04 on the dot. To get a real engine up to steam takes at least an hour’s back-break-
ing work filling the boiler, lighting the firebox, and shovelling coal. In this hobby, realism
is everything, and although this model steam engine is powered by a small electric
motor, the serious model railway enthusiast knows that it must be fuelled and fired in
an authentic manner. So he has been up since
5am, moving a tiny toy man with a shovel
backwards and forwards between a plastic
pile of coal and his waiting locomotive.

am The model railway enthusiast checks his watch, waves his flag
7.42.00 and blows his whistle. As he turns the little knob on the front of his
transformer, the commuter special gathers steam and pulls away from the platform.
Twenty seconds later, after travelling through a pointless, free-standing tunnel and around
a corner with a radius that would instantly derail a full-size train,
service reaches its destination bang on time. But for the model railway
thusiast, there’s no time to rest on his laurels. 2 minutes 40 seconds
later, he must turn the little knob on the front of the transformer
other way to start the train’s timetabled 7.45 return journey.
am. With the milk train safely round the track and back
6.04.30 in its shed, there’s a gap of 1 hours 38 minutes until the
next service, the 7.42 commuter special, is due to leave, so there’s time for
the model railway enthusiast to snatch a quick breakfast in the kitchen. His
wife suggests he might like to come back to bed for an hour instead, but like
the serious hobbyist he is, he refuses her shallow blandishments. He just
has time to grab a pop tart washed down with a mug of tea before he has
to be back in the loft to do essential upkeep on his layout. Just like a real life
railway network, his toy one can’t run smoothly unless a strict programme of
essential maintenance work is carried out each day. If the 7.42 is to depart
on schedule, then 11 feet of track has to be painstakingly rubbed down with
fine grade emery paper and the 00-scale Deltic locomotive that pulls it must
have its axles and brushes cleared of accumulated fluff and pet hair.
the
en-
the

am. To keep running efficiently, a real railway must constantly

9.00.00 repair and replace its rolling stock, and its 1:76.3 scale
counterpart is no different. So, at opening time, our enthusiast is first through the
door of his local model shop to check out the various products on offer. Today, he
is in the market for a new 20-ton guards brake van to replace one that his sexually
frustrated wife threw at him during an argument. Unfortunately, the only one he
can find in the shop is a red-brown LNER model with vacuum brakes, whereas
the one he requires is a Southern Railway version with dark grey sole plates, in-
dicating a hand-braked wagon, something that wasn’t introduced until 1946, and
then only on certain pre-nationalised branch lines. No normal person would know
or care about this trifling detail, but a keen model railway hobbyist can be reduced
to tears of frustration and rage by a glaring anachronism such as this.
28
 pm. A lull in the
12.15:00 pm. Back at home, our railway modeller’s wife
wants to show him a costume she has bought 3.30:00 timetable before
the afternoon rush hour means that
from the Ann Summers shop and invites him into the bedroom for a game
of doctors and nurses. But he has no time for such childish behaviour. In our hobbyist
less than three minutes, the 12.18 circus train is due through the station, has time to
and one of the carriages has a giraffe’s head sticking out the top which descend from
automatically ducks down when it goes under a footbridge. To make sure the loft and
the automatic mechanism works, he has to fasten a small magnetic strip go down-
between the rails underneath the bridge. If he gets it wrong by even a tiny stairs for a
amount, the giraffe’s neck could strike the bridge at full welcome cup
express train speed, leading to 00-gauge carnage on of tea. His wife
an unimaginable scale. is already in
the living room
with a friend
she has brought
home from the gym.
The visitor must have spilt a drink on herself,
because she has taken most of her clothes off. The hobbyist decides
to put her at her ease by making a bit of smalltalk, telling her an anecdote about the time the
Hornby catalogue mis-labelled an English Electric Deltic as a Class 55. But before he gets
to the punchline, he realises it’s nearly 4 o’clock. At 4.06 every day, the Flying Scotsman
sleeper express from the immersion heater to the Christmas decorations comes through his
station, and he has left himself just 6 minutes to climb back up into the loft, get the train and
carriages out of their boxes and on the tracks with all their wheels on the rails properly.

pm. With just two minutes to go before the

7.00.00 pm.
A 11.08.00 Royal Mail night service is due to join the track
for its daily 40-second double circuit of the main line, the enthusiast
model railway is never
finished. Any true en- realises that he can’t find his railway signalman’s hat, without which he
thusiast will tell you that doesn’t have the authority to close the points after the train leaves its
his train set is a work siding. If he leaves the points open, the train will certainly derail as it
in progress with new completes its first circuit, leading to delays across
features to be added and the whole layout. His wife selfishly refuses
old ones to be improved to help as he desperately searches through
and renovated. Now, as the wardrobe for the missing cap.
his wife comes home Luckily, he finds it just
from the wine bar and in time to get back
heads upstairs with up the ladder into
two friends, he is hard the loft to avert
at work constructing a disaster.
matchstick 5-bar gate
for a miniature farmyard
he intends to add to his
layout at a later date.
pm. With the last scheduled service safely through the station, it is time for
11.12.00 the enthusiast to complete his final job of the day - shunting all his trains
and rolling stock away. It’s a process that takes up to two hours every night, as each loco and
wagon has to be put into its own particular shed via a bewildering system of points, sidings and
turntables. It’s like solving an elaborate Chinese puzzle. Of course, he could simply pick the trains
up off the tracks and put them away by hand in a couple of
am. Satisfied
minutes, but what would be the point of that?
1.15.00 at the end of
another productive day running his
layout according to its unbending
timetable, the hobbyist finally
gets into bed for a well-earned
rest. To wind down, he
spends an hour or so
flicking through his
toy train magazines
before setting his
alarm for 4.45 the
following morning,
when his model
railway day will
begin all over again.

NEXT WEEK: We spend a

day with a Philatelist to
discover the THRILL of
STAMP COLLECTING!
29
30
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33
T
RANSYLVANIA is officially the spookiest place on
earth, with the world’s highest per capita population of
mummies, werewolves and Frankensteins. But the Ro-
manian province is not just a Mecca for horror buffs,
Johnny Weissmulle

T RANS
because the country has also produced its fair share of top celebs.
But who is the world’s Top Transylvanian? Is it Johnny Weissmul-
ler, who made the role of Tarzan his own in a dozen Hollywood
movies?...Is it Vlad the Impaler, the bloodthirsty 15th century
Wallachian Prince who stabbed an estimated 100,000 people up
the arse during his murderous reign?...Or is it the Cheeky Girls?
...Who’s
It’s time to pit them in a 6-round, no-holds-barred contest to dis-
cover once and for all just WHO is the Top of the Transylvanian Pops! the best
JOHNNY WEISSMULLER VLAD the
Aristocratic Heritage BORN in 1904 to a family of lowly
Aristocratic Heritage
ROUND 1

Romanian peasants, this would

at irst glance appear to be a low-scoring round for Weissmuller. However,
Tarzan - the iconic role he played through the 1930s and 40s - was both his
Grace the Earl of Greystoke as well as being King of the Jungle. It’s a
blue-blooded pedigree of which anyone would be proud, and it gets
the jungle-vine-swinging apeman off to a lying start. Score
THREE times Prince of the Transylvanian province
of Wallachia, Vlad boasts an impeccably rariied
family tree. In later years, he was also the inspira-
8 tion for Count Dracula - the title character of Bram
Stoker’s gothic vampire novel, the sinister and

Records BEFORE he was a sort of actor,

Records THE MURDEROUS Vlad ruled
ROUND 2

Weissmuller was one of the twentieth his medieval province with a

century’s most successful swimmers, winning 5 Olym- mixture of fear and sadistic cruelty, sticking a
pic golds in the freestyle and backstroke. With sharpened fencepost right up the arse of any-
an impressive 50 world records to his name,
he makes a big splash in this round. Score 7 one who dared to defy him. During his impaling
career, he is estimated to have skewered more

Crocodile Fighting AT SOME point during every Tarzan ilm in which he

Crocodile Fighting ITknown
IS NOT
ROUND 3

starred, Weissmuller would have a dust-up with a croco-

dile, putting the giant reptile in a headlock before wrestling it to death in a swamp and tossing whether Vlad ever fought with a crocodile, but
it aside. So you might expect this round to be a pushover for Weissmuller. But you’d be wrong, if he had he would have undoubtedly have at-
for thanks to stringent Hollywood Health & Safety restrictions, Weissmuller was forbidden tempted to stab it up the jacksie with a stake - his
from ighting real crocodiles on set. Every one of the beasts that appeared to meet its trademark killing method. However, since reptiles
end at the King of the Jungle’s hands was in fact just a
life-size rubber replica. Score 0 don’t technically have arses - instead, they are
equipped with a combined urogenital poste-

Skimpiness of Briefs IN EVERY one of his

ilm appearances, Skimpiness of Briefs
ROUND 4

Weissmuller’s impressive physique was on display, with just SURVIVING historical records from the 15th
the skimpiest of outits covering his junk. However, technically century are of little use when trying to discover
it wasn’t actually a pair of briefs that protected Tarzan’s mod- whether Vlad the Impaler did or didn’t wear
esty from the censors. It was in fact a sort of budgie smugglers. All pictures of him depict him
triangular mini-skirt made out of window from the waist up, sat dining at a table or stand-
cleaners’ chamois leathers.
Score 2 ing behind a pile of victims that he has previ-
ously impaled. The truth is anyone’s guess, and

Ululatin g Cries yell AMAZINGLY, Tarzan’s trademark jungle

Ululatin g Cries ITeveryIS LIKELY that
ROUND 5

of “Arrrgh ee-arrrgh ee-argh ee-argh ee- single one

aaaarrgh” was not in fact performed by Weissmuller himself. Although the actor of Vlad’s 100,000 victims issued a high-pitched
claimed it was his voice that audiences heard, the distinctive cry was actually ululating cry at the exact moment he irst of-
produced by the world’s smallest man Calvin Phillips. A recording of Phillips’s fered up a sharpened stick to their nipsy. Put in
high-pitched budgerigar-like trill was slowed down 100 times to produce context, that’s the same as the entire population
the famous baritone yodel of the King of the Beasts heralding a
sequence of library footage featuring various jungle animals. Score
2 of Chesterield (including Brimington and Stavely)
yodelling while being impaled by a 15th century

Having Penetrative THE TARZAN actor died in 1984, when

Having Penetrative
ROUND 6

the 19-year-old Opik - later to be elected Liberal

Sex with Lembit Opik Democrat member of parliament for Montgomery-
shire - was studying Philosophy at Bristol Univer- Sex with Lembit Opik
sity. However, at the time of his death, Weissmuller had been battling severe ill health for many OPIK’S grandfather - Ernst Julius Öpik - was an
years following a fall and series of strokes in the mid-seventies. So while it is technically eccentric yet brilliant physicist who could easily
possible that the teenage student and the ailing octogenarian ilm star were in a sexual
relationship of some sort, it is highly unlikely. Score 2 have constructed a time machine in the shed
at the bottom of the garden. If this was indeed

HOW WEISSMULLER VLAD the IMPAL

DID TARZAN may have been raised by apes, but he wasn’t
N OT A Vlad try… but not quite good

21
able to raise his game enough to win this battle, and as enough. In true impaling style, the
THEY awas
result his opponents have made a monkey out of him. It
a “vine” performance, but at the the end of the day, the
sadistic Count tried to stick it to the
others, but when push came to shove,
DO? swimmer-turned-actor couldn’t quite swing it to win. he just wasn’t sharp enough in the end.

34
er, Vlad the Impaler or The Cheeky Girls

SYLVANIAN?
IMPALER THE CHEEKY GIRLS
suave blood-sucking
Aristocratic Heritage THE CHEEKY Girls’s origins

ROUND 1
figure immortalised in are humble; there is not the
countless horror films. With slightest whiff of aristocratic blood in their lineage. Put simply, they are
two such aristocratic titles as common as muck. As a result, the girls, who rose to fame on such
to his name, the Impaler low-rent, plebeian ITV talent shows as Model Behaviour and
lords it over his Transyl-
vanian peers.
Score 9 Popstars: The Rivals, are awarded 1, the lowest possible mark
in this round. Score 1
Records

than 100,000 people. It’s a shameful tally, but
credit where credit’s due; it’s a record
that still stands to this very day.
Score
rior orifice called a
ROUND 2
THE CHEEKY Girls’s infectious first single Touch My Bum went to number
2 in the hit parade. However, subsequent desperate attempts to replicate its
9 chart performance were increasingly less successful, culminating in 2005’s dismal Farmyard
Hokey, which failed to even make it into the Top 100. The 7 singles the girls released over
their 3-year pop career achieved an average UK chart position of 28.143, so their score in
this round is nothing to make a song and dance about. Score 3
Crocodile Fi ghting IMAGINE the scene. The Cheeky Girls are at Abbey Road,

ROUND 3
“cloaca” - he cutting their latest hit single, when a 14-foot Nile crocodile that
wouldn’t has just escaped from nearby London Zoo bursts into the studio. It’s a desperate situation; the girls
have know they must act quickly to save themselves; it’s them or the crocodile. One girl leaps on the deadly
known creature’s back and clamps its deadly jaws closed in the crook of her arm while the other one moves
where to in for the kill, fatally stabbing the croc in the back of the neck with a fork. Job done. Of course,
shove it.
Score 3 crocodiles are unpredictable beasts, and the Cheeky Girls’s plan could go badly wrong. It’s a
50:50 shot, but it’s the best chance they have of getting out of the studio alive. 5
Score

the real answer may remain a mystery. So we

Skimpiness of Briefs WHENEVER
they are seen

ROUND 4
must err on the side of caution and award him
middling marks in public, whether it’s singing their hit on stage at a
in this round to freshers’ night, optimistically launching their own make-
reflect the un- up range or facing bankruptcy after the collapse of their
certainty. record company, the twins always sport the hottest of
beach volleyball-style hotpants. The only way

Score 5 these kegs could be skimpier would be if they

weren’t wearing any at all. Score 9
Transylvanian
Ululatin g Cries YODELLING effectively with an

ROUND 5
aristocrat, and ululating tone is a skill that only
you can’t do the best singers in the world can master, and even the Cheeky
better than that. Girls’s biggest fans would readily admit that their idols certainly
A high scoring aren’t the best singers in the world. But, as anyone who has
round. seen them performing live will attest, what the twins lack

Score 10 in vocal ability, they more than make up for with their
lack of any other talents. Score 3
the case, then the MP may well have used the
Having Penetrative BY HIS OWN admission, Lembit Opik was romantical-
ROUND 6

machine to travel back in time to 15th century ly linked with one of the Cheeky Girls in 2007/8, so on
Transylvania to meet up with charming Prince
Vlad for a very different sort of impaling ses-
sion. It’s a highly unlikely scenario, but consid-
Sex with Lembit Opik the surface, this round would appear to present a solid
ten points in the bag for the tuneless Transylvanian
twosome. However, a strict, legalistic reading of the terms and conditions of the competition requires
ering the relationship between space “The Cheeky Girls” (plural) to have had penetrative sex with the failed MP. And since only one
and time, it is theoretically possible.
Score 5 of the pair actually let him on the nest, even though we don’t know which one, we have no
option but to award them a disappointing zero. Score
0
LER THE CHEEKY GIRLS
Nevertheless, he’ll take
A QUICK glance at the total might lead you to think that the Cheeky Girls
some consolation from the
fact that he didn’t finish
right at the bottom. 41
had limped home in last place. But remember, each displayed score is per
Cheeky Girl, and their final tally of 21 is doubled to take into account the fact that
they are identical twins. Never mind touch their bum, Johnny and Vlad can kiss
their arse as they take their rightful place at the top of the Transylvanian tree.
42
35 NEXT WEEK: Who’s the Best CHEEKY GIRL?
The one on the left... or the one on the right?
 From Apple to Zeiss,
and everything in between

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S
ERVED piping hot and wrapped in a newspaper, there is no more
quintessentially British food than fish and chips. Since they first
arrived on our streets back in the 1860s, this nutritious and
delicious combination has formed a staple part of our national diet.
The traditional fish and chip shop, with its bubbling deep fat fryers,
forwards, every aspect of this venerable high street culinary institution
will be transformed beyond recognition. Indeed, a time traveller from
2017 stepping into the fish and chip shop of tomorrow will be met with
a space age scene that will leave their head spinning in wonderment.
Let’s travel forwards 100 years to 2117 and take a privileged peek
inside…

FISH & CHIP SHOP

overweight woman stood behind the counter and morose man in a white
hat carrying a bucket of potatoes, is still a hub of every community from
Land’s End to John O’Groats, and has remained virtually unchanged
since the first one opened 150 years ago.
The
But now we stand on the brink of a scientific revolution that will change
the local chippy forever. As the world takes a technological quantum leap OF THE FUTURE
THE smell of hot fish, hot chips and hot batter is instantly familiar, likewise deforestation of the planet and a worldwide pulp shortage, and the few sheets
1 the sound of boiling fat bubbling away in the fryers. But there the similarity of paper left on earth now change hands for millions of space credits each. To
ends, because in the futuristic chippy of 2117 the fryers are not heated using replace paper, fish and chip shop scientists have developed a product called
the primitive electrical elements that were in use a century ago. Instead, highly Paprene - a flexible, cellulose-based polymer which, when fashioned into
efficient ceramic coils heat the fat up until it reaches the perfect temperature sheets, looks, feels and behaves exactly like paper.
for cooking. This optimum heat level is then automatically maintained by a
ONE thing that will immediately strike our peckish time-traveller is the
sophisticated autonomous pyrostatic mechanism that switches the power to the 5 fact that haddock is no longer available in the fish and chip shop of 2117.
coils on or off depending on readings taken by a thermocouple in the fat.
Sadly, like the dinosaurs, the dodo and the rabbit, this fish became extinct due
THE cooking fat in the fryer is of a brand new type that was unheard of a to global overfishing following the breakdown of the Planetary Oceanic Treaty
2 hundred years ago in 2017. Instead of beef dripping crudely rendered from in 2080. As a result, customers can now only have cod. But it doesn’t matter,
cow carcasses at the abattoir, today’s fish and chip shops use a highly refined because 100 years ago they used to give you cod if you asked for haddock
bio-oil that is extracted from the lipid tissues of genetically cloned cattle. anyway, and nobody could ever tell the difference.
THE wooden chipforks
6 familiar to the chip shop
9 customers of the 21st century
are now nothing more than dusty
museum pieces, gathering dust
on the dusty shelves of a museum.
In their place, the diner of today
uses a chipfork made of plastic
… plastic that is, believe it or not,
8 made from wood!
7 3 7 THE fat woman behind
the counter may appear
indistinguishable from her century-
earlier ancestor, but in fact nothing
1 could be further from the truth.
2 Back in 2017, her ancestor would
have kept her hair from going in
the food by wearing a white trilby
hat with an integrated hairnet.
Nowadays, she sports headwear
which, whilst looking superficially
identical, is actually a modern
miracle of futuristic technology.
Constructed from a material that
4 creates a permanent static charge,
it actually attracts any stray hairs
5 that may otherwise make their way
through the hairnet mesh. The hat
itself has an invisible, transparent
microfibre chinstrap to stop it
falling off her head and into the
batter.
GLANCING behind the
8 counter, our time traveller
spots something that he thinks he
recognises: A ruddy-faced man
carrying a white plastic bucket
of raw chips. But he couldn’t be
6 more wrong, for the bucket is
actually carrying itself, floating on
a cushion of magnetic flux created
BACK in the 21st century, customers were used to finding the occasional by a network of super-cooled coils hidden under the floor. The man is only
3 bone in their cod or haddock. But that was then and this is now, and in holding the handle of the bucket as a precaution in case the power supply to
2117 the preparation area of every chip shop is equipped with a computerised the coils fails, causing it to fall and chips to go everywhere.
Nuclear Magnetic Resonance scanner. This device automatically detects any
100 years ago, any flies that ventured into a chip shop were quickly
pieces of cartilage or bone that have inadvertently been left in a fillet, before 9 zapped with a short, sharp electric shock from an ‘insectocutor’; the blue
instantly vaporising them using a high-power laser. Of course, however
sophisticated it is, no machine is perfect, so a digital display behind the counter flash and characteristic cracking sound of an insect meeting its maker in one of
warns customers: “Despite Every Precaution Taken, Your Fish May Contain these crude machines were familiar to all chippy customers. Then, around the
Bone’s.” turn of the 22nd century, bluebottles developed an immunity to electricity and,
like the Terminator, could no longer be killed with high voltages. To despatch
IT IS unbelievable to the people of 2117 that just a hundred years before, these electricity-resistant superflies today, the chip shop employs a short-range
4 their ancestors would leave the chippy with their food loosely wrapped in a blast of focussed gamma radiation; the blue flash and characteristic cracking
few sheets of paper. For today, here in the 22nd century, paper is an extremely sound of an insect meeting its maker in one of these super high-tech machines
rare and valuable commodity indeed. The Oxygen Wars of 2056 led to the is familiar to all 2117 chippy customers.
37
NEXT WEEK: The VD Clinic of Tomorrow
38
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OGER’S PROFANISAURUS ROGER’S PROFANISAURUS ROGER’S PROFAN
PROFANISAURUS
abominable slowman n. That
member of any party of drink-
ers who, at the point when his
fellows have sunk their pints
and are ready to move on,
has only budgie-supped two
inches of his own.
achtung Spitire! 1. exclam.
Teutonic shout of alarm
often heard in the ilm Battle
of Britain. 2. exclam. Cheery
cry after hearing a hurricane
on one’s tail.
after dinner speech n. A
peroration at the brown buf-
fet table, delivered without
reference to notes.
amuse bouche 1. n. In cordon
bleu parlance, a small,
intricate starter dish aimed at
arousing a gourmand’s taste
buds prior to sampling the
main course. 2. n. A piquantly
appetising little something
nibbled when dining at the Y.
and now on BBC4 phr. Humor-
ous and poignant precursor to
a didactic Exchange & Mart.
Apache hammock n. Stealthy
and cunning technique of
putting paper down the bog
before taking a number two
in order to avoid noise and
splashback. Named in hon-
our of the Native American
tribe who are famed for their
stealth and cunning.
belly porridge n. Shit.
binman’s belch, less inesse
than a sim. Descriptive
of a person who exudes a
frankly substandard level of
class, panache and dignity.
‘Outrageous. The brand new
fragrance by Kerry Katona,
the star with less inesse
than a binman’s belch.’
bog of eternal stench 1. n.
Scene from the movie Laby-
rinth, starring David Bowie
and his rather tight, bollock-
oger’s
profanisaurus@viz.co.uk
hugging jeggings. 2. n. The
toilets on a Virgin train.
bottom bracket 1. n. Where
the cranks it on your bike.
2. n. Where your crank
its on the local bike. The
clout, minge, fanny, lange,
growler, front bottom, lady
garden or quimpiece.
HOG’S ‘I’ SPY
WHAT about this van
that I drove up the
arse of recently?
Pete Robertson, email
bucket of snot euph. Manc.
An extremely well-oiled
box. Also bag of slugs,
splinge, snail’s doorstep.
can you stick a lake in that?
exclam. sarc. Addressed
caustically to one’s bartender
when a lager is poured which
is more head than beer.
chariots of ire n. Pestiferous
mobility scooters that creep
up silently around your heels
on the high street or when
you are ensconced deep in
the convoluted loorspace of
a pound shop.
dockyard shithouse, abused
like a sim. Said of some-
thing or someone that has to
put up with a lot of crap on
a daily basis.
dominoes effect n. Being a
fat bastard due to eating too
many cheesy takeaways.
double entry book keeping n.
A Spooky Update from
Britain s Favourite Lexicon
of Filth and Profanity
The compilation, by an
overly optimistic fel-
low, of a mental cata-
logue of potentially
extremely accommo-
dating ladies.
factory wipe 1. n. A
thorough reset of a
computer back to a
pristine system state.
2. n. After clearing
out the cupboards in
the Devil’s kitchen,
spending ten minutes longer
than usual on paperwork, and
getting through three times the
normal amount of bumwad
while doing so.
farogenic adj. Descriptive of
a female who appears to be
attractive from a distance, but
uproves to be a great disap-
pointment when viewed at
closer range. Nice from far but
far from nice.
Friedrich Von Trapp 1. euph.
A Bavarian alternative to
dropping the kids off at the
pool. Named after the older
boy in The Sound of Music,
whose line in the song So
Long, Farewell is “Adieu,
adieu, to you and you and
you.” 2. n. Bav. rhym. slang. A
Sir Douglas.
lange squeal 1. n. Ear-splitting,
high-pitched noise that occurs
when the wheels of railway
rolling stock slip laterally
on the rail when transiting
a curve, due to the lack of a
differential. 2. n. Ear-splitting,
high-pitched noise that occurs
when large member slips into
a lange, much to the delight
of the lady concerned.
loorish adj. Said of an alco-
holic beverage which renders
one unable to walk. ‘Ooh, this
Buckies is so loorish. Pour
me another, ambassador.’
gobble stopper 1. n. A shaped
40
piece of plastic which, when
placed in the dog’s bowl, stops
it from gobbling its kibble or
meat too quickly. 2. n. A piece
of gold or platinum which,
when placed on a woman’s
inger, stops her from gobbling
your meat, full stop. A wed-
ding ring.
gravy & mash n. Like bangers
and mash, but without the
chunks. A bog full of arsewipe
and diarrhoea.
jackoffanory n. A mucky nar-
rative read down the phone by
an understanding wife or part-
ner to a man suffering from the
raging horn while away from
home, who needs some fodder
when pulling off the Pope’s hat
in his hotel bedroom.
lapping paste 1. n. An abrasive
grinding unguent used in
engineering. 2. n. The creamy
amalgam of frothing saliva
and fanny batter on a well-
licked clout.
let the cock see the fanny phr.
A somewhat crude variation
on the expression “let the dog
see the rabbit.”
line of wank n. A blind spot
in the garden where a chap
knows he can safely relax in a
gentleman’s way without being
spotted by next door pegging
out her washing, number 47
changing a duvet by her back
bedroom window or his mis-
sus washing the dishes.
Mandy Jordache buying
slabs, face like sim. Said of
someone who is acting in
a very suspicious manner.
From the erstwhile Brookside
character whose husband’s
disappearance coincided with
the sudden decision to put a
patio in.
Marty Robbins n. An hor-
riically large poo; a proper
gorilla’s breakfast. Named
after the late country and
western artiste, whose 1959
chart-topper El Paso includes
the following lines: “Just for
a moment I stood there in
silence / Shocked by the foul
evil deed I had done.”
medicine balls n. Spherical
glands containing vitamin S,
a tincture well known to cure
almost all ailments from which
one’s wife or girlfriend may be
suffering.
meloncholy n. Disconsolate
sadness and depression; a gen-
eralised malaise characterised
by feelings of loss and longing
for a past girlfriend who had
humongous chebbs on her.
my best work is behind me, I
fear that exclam. Said after
dropping a magnum opus of
a dustman’s special. Also I’m
just raising the proile of the
company; they call the wind
Mariah; now we know what
killed the dinosaurs.
nunchucks 1. n. Okinawan
martial arts weapon consist-
ing of two pieces of wood on
a string that Bruce Lee used
to whirl up under his arms
and whack baddies with. 2.
n. Two pieces of shite held
together by a string of undi-
gested hair that helicopters
out of a dog’s bottom.
oktoberpest n. Annoying little
scrote that visits your house
in the weeks leading up to
Halloween and demands
money with menaces. A
trick-or-treater.
panmax 1. n. In shipping jar-
gon, the largest vessel that the
NISAURUS ROGER’S PROFANISAURUS ROGER’S PROFANISAURUS ROGER
HOG’S ‘I’ SPY
Panama Canal can accommo-
date. 2. n. In shitting jargon,
the largest feeshus a given con-
venience can accommodate.
‘Excuse me your Majesty, I’ve
slightly misjudged the panmax.
Can I borrow your sceptre for
ive minutes?’
pillar to post, go from v. To
dismount from one (typically
smaller) cock in order to take
a ride on another (typically
larger) cock.
poo bats n. Small, stout-col-
oured farticulates which leave
their nipsy roost in order to ly
and perch high up under the
eaves of your toilet bowl.
potty time 1. n. Title of a weird
70s kids’ television show
hosted by Michael Bentine. 3.
n. When your trumps smell of
fresh foulage and it’s time for a
sit-down visit.
rumble in the jungle, the 1.
n. Historic boxing match
between George Foreman and
Muhammad Ali, staged in
Zaire in 1974. 2. n. A deeply
guttural trouser cough resonat-
ing through a particularly
overgrown arse cleft.
seeded baps n. Tits with all
spunk on them.
shitscale n. Cause of mysterious
brown staining in a student
house toilet pan. Turdigris.
shnit v. onomat. To sneeze so
violently that one loses control
of one’s rectum. Normally
occurring when the pollen
count is high and one has over-
indulged in spicy foodstuffs
the night before. ‘Oh dear, I do
declare I appear to have shnat
myself. You’ve not got a clean
pair of gruds about the place,
have you, Bosey?’
spankety plank euph. Popu-
lar single-handed game in
which ive contestants team
up to take on a solitary, one-
eyed competitor.
stafing issue euph. An
internet-fuelled act of mono-
manual self delight. From
the explanation proffered by
Texas Senator Ted Cruz after
he inadvertently “liked” a
hardcore grumble vid on his
Twitter account. ‘I walked
profanisaurus@viz.co.uk
Thanks to this issue’s contributors who are: N Lyon, D Whiston, D Smith, P Monk, S Fowler, I Devenney, K Maguire, Woof the Wolf, M Hayward, D Barker, L Nelson, D Gibbs, JC Nemeth, S Taylor, GE Leek, A Bourke, ACC Hunt, M ‘Widget’ Mclawek, Tom H,
P Luke, Matt, Dr C Tinsley MBBS MCP BSc (Hons), D Glentworth, D Quick, B Sherrington, RS Biskits, J Newton, D Patterson, Stuie, M Litoris, R Smallman, D Bucknall, M Spirtle, S Legg, R Bell, J Hunn, S Crouch, J Cox, P Stayt, P Flannery, M Farrall, R Nash,
S Dale, D Sanders, R Dixon, C Cammidge, Danski, A Waddell, J Golbey, B Melican, A Maddison and R Walker.
BBC 6Music’s Marc
Across
1/12 More than one crafty 50 QUID CRAPTIC CROSSWORD No. 270
Riley ought to be butcher with short fuse,
ashamed of himself. plumbers agonisingly poked
Well I shan’t be re- with king-sized rump (4,8)
newing my wireless 4 Disease of ladies visiting a
licence, I can tell 13 down (9)
you that. 9 Scrota taken, firstly, off
H Doubleday, - that encapsulating a doc-
Fulchester tored singer? (8)
10 Piss in violin, and loud
becomes quiet (6)
through the park this morning 11 Sting’s prick exciting her,
and there was a tramp in a fashion designer (6)
bush having a stafing issue.’
12 See 1
sticking point 1. n. A stumbling
block which stalls or prevents 14 See 17 Down
an amicable agreement be- 15 Neat whisky, perhaps, and
tween two or more parties. 2. 4 down? (9)
n. Any permitted oriice. 18 Related to bishops fucking
stinking thinking n. That time with Pepsi Cola (9)
ensconced upon the bum 20 See 2 Down
sink when the brown muse 23 See 26
is upon a fellow and he gets 25 Egyptian god enjoying sex
philosophical. with both women and men
NAME.......................................................................................
straight to main 1. euph. In a in jacksie (6)
restaurant setting, dispensing ADDRESS.................................................................................
26/23 Don’t expect me to help ..................................................................................................
with any starters so as to get sort out ruckus with goofy
immediately to the good stuff. ................................................POSTCODE..............................
pixie (2,4,8)
2. euph. In a romantic setting, 28 As 9’s songs pornographic 4 With which to keep one’s
for a similar reason dispensing at first, amid kinky erotica Set by Anus
with the need for foreplay. pecker up? (6)
(8)
third rail, the 1. n. Means 5 Boob with a large girth gets 17/14 In which actors are
29 Doubly important to con- three-inch dick, perhaps, to fucking close, even en-
of providing electricity to a tain party after start of orgy? prematurely 16? (2,3,2,4,4) twined (4,5)
railway locomotive or train via Yes! (4-5)
a rigid, semi-continuous con- 6 Bite some punani properly 19 Smearing of poo on lips
30 Piece of piss in shite as (3) of bartender is for the
ductor placed alongside or be- yellow? (4)
tween the rails of the track. 2. 7 After erection, youth gets public good (3,4)
n. A particularly well-wrought Down it flowing (5) 21 Milkers in those arsed, I
hard-on. An impressive length 2/20 Clap? It’s unfortunately 8 Indulge in pleasure spurt- (doubly) gathered (7)
of pink steel. fit for someone like Bill ing penis lavishly up rears, 22 Just how fuckers fuck? (6)
Clinton or Daniel Day- Gloria Estefan’s initially
titlash n. medic. Medical
Lewis? (7,5) 24 Make-up artist’s red
condition aflicting young (7) genitalia initially gobbled
men visiting nudist beaches 3 Tails need to be buggered by ladies’ man (5)
13 Boob and fanny (4)
for the irst time. when the Daily Star, say,
publishes stories? (9) 16 Come, and suddenly call 27 Goat from Falkirk I
too much chlorine in the pool dicked (3)
out (9)
euph. Implausible excuse
proffered after arriving at
work red-eyed and hungover.
‘Did you have one too many
LAST ISSUE’S
in the Strangers’Bar last
night, minister?’‘Certainly
not. I did forty lengths before I
came into the ofice and there
WINNERS
was too much chlorine in the
£50 WINNER: Joanne Ashley, Truro.
pool. Now fetch me the EU27
Position Papers and a bottle Runners up mugs to: Lisa Grabham,
of blue Powerade.’ HAVE A NICE Durham; Paul White, Cornwall;
Viking funeral n. Akin to the CUPPA ANYWHERE Amanda Davies, Herts; Emily Monks,
launch of a burning longboat WITH THE FANTASTIC VIZ Merseyside; Steve Hill, Berks.
in Norse times, a big, hot and
lorid meatloaf’s daughter
CROSSWORD WINNER’S ISSUE 269 SOLUTION
loated out, Up Helly Aa-style, TRAVEL MUG!
into the water the morning
after a red hot curry or chilli.
Send your entry to:
visible pantry line n. Phe- Craptic Crossword 270, Viz Comic,
nomenon whereby a young PO Box 841, Whitley Bay, NE26 9EQ
lady’s underwear is clearly
struggling to hold in her
The first correct entry out of the hat on MONDAY 30th OCTOBER will
arse due to the fact that she win a ROGER’S PROFANISAURUS CROSSWORD WINNER’S
looks like she’s scoffed the TRAVEL MUG with a VIZ CHEAP PEN and a CHEQUE for £50.00
contents of the family food inside. The next 5 winners will get the mug alone and a pen. And no cheque.
cupboard. Viz travel mugs have undergone rigorous testing for their leak-proof and
heat retention proporties. However, the results of these tests will remain
confidential until 2067 under the UK government’s 50 year rule.
41
A BUTT THAT
WILL QUIT!
R
OYAL watchers
were left reeling
this morning after
B u c k i n g h a m Pa l a c e
announced that much-
l o ve d di r tbox P I P PA
MIDDLETON'S ARSE is to
retire from public duties
with immediate effect.
The regal-by-marriage buttocks, 34,
reportedly broke the news to Ms Mid-
dleton, who is also 34, late last night,
saying the stress of six years of public
appearances was taking its toll on their
health. And with the decision coming
just weeks after Prince Philip's official
withdrawal from public duty, many mon-
archy fans are concerned about the risk
of a so-called 'domino effect'.
At a press conference in Balmoral,
Royal spokesman Severus Butter-
scotch appealed for calm.
Pippa’s Arse to
retire from public life
"We are of course shocked and sad-
dened by Pippa's arse's decision," said
Butterscotch. "But we must remind
fans of the House of Windsor that Pip-
pa herself will continue to work closely
with the Royal Family, making frequent
public appearances up and down the
country. The only difference is that her
chuff will not be with her."
posterior
According to sources, the globally
adored posterior is looking forward
to using its retirement to "spend more
quality time with friends and family".
However, royal watchers across the
country have reacted in fury at the
news of the cherished muckspreader's
retreat from public view.
43
Housewife and monarchy enthusiast
Maureen Belve, 61, today claimed she
was "disgusted and appalled" by the
revelation.
"First Prince Philip steps down, and
now Pippa's arse is bowing out, too,”
fumed Mrs Belve. "Who'll be next, I won-
der? The Queen? Prince Harry? Fergie's
tits? It ruddy well beggars belief."
"At this rate, within a few years we
won't have a single Royal left to watch",
the incensed homemaker added.
mudflaps
In a special broadcast aired this af-
ternoon on the BBC, Royal Correspon-
dent Nicholas Witchell offered advice
and consolation for any disheartened
admirers of monarchic mudflaps.
Butt out:
Middleton’s
Arse will retire
from the lime-
light although
Pippa (inset)
will continue
to make pub-
lic appear-
ances.
"Pippa's arse is absolutely mag-
nificent and majestic," Witchell told
viewers. "But trust me, it's not the only
Royal rear worth ogling."
The carrot-topped regency reporter
continued: "All that horse riding has giv-
en Zara Phillips the kind of buttocks that
could crack a walnut, and even Sophie
Wessex has got a pretty decent dirtbox
for a duchess her age,” he smarmed.
“As for Lady Melons Taylor, if you can
tear your eyes off her tits for one second,
you'll see that she's not exactly lacking in
the caboose department, either,” Witchell
added.
 ’
Didgeri-DON T DOIT!
Wills and Kate asked
to think again over
shock baby name

T
HE Duke and Duchess of Cambridge have stirred Your Royal Heinous: Wills and Kate’s
up a storm of controversy after announcing that newborn to be christened Rolf Harris.
their next child - to be born next Spring - will However ginger BBC royal corre-
be christened ROLF HARRIS. Prince William revealed spondent Nicholas Witchell described
the name of the royal baby, fifth in line to the throne, the Cambridge’s plan to name their
during a recent interview with OK! magazine. next baby Rolf Harris as exceptionally
brave. “It is a courageous decision that
“Rolf and Harris are two names demonstrates what a simply wonder-

that me and Kate have always
loved,” William, 34, told the
upmarket weekly. “And we are
determined not to let some
spurious association with a dis-
graced entertainer stop us from
calling our next baby Prince
Rolf Harris.”
The news met with a mixed reaction
from royal watchers. “Quite frankly, I
think the decision to name the baby
Rolf Harris is a foolhardy one,” said
Majesty magazine editor Ingrid Fart-
sucker. “He will get teased mercilessly
in the playground at whichever exclu-
EXCLUSIVE!
ful, marvellous and utterly fantastic
couple the Duke and Duchess are,”
he gushed. “In a fabulously unprec-
edented act of majestic selflessness,
they have reclaimed the name of Rolf
sive private school he is sent to, with Harris for nation.”
the other kids ribbing him with cruel
catcalls such as ‘Back to the wall, lads, “No longer will it be associated with
here comes the Duke of diddlers!’ or foul, monstrous deeds. It will instead
singing ‘God save our gracious nonce’ £50,000-a-term lavatories and crude- be a byword for regality, pedigree and
to the tune of the national anthem ev- ly drawing a beard and glasses on his aristocratic nobility,” Witchell sla-
ery time he goes in the playground.” face in marker pen,” continued Fart- vered.
sucker. “And unlike other boys, he will
retaliation be unable to threaten retaliation from A spokesman for Buckingham Pal-
“Bullies will also single him out in his dad, because everyone will know ace confirmed that if the baby is a girl,
the toilets, flushing his head down the that Prince William isn’t a copper.” it will be called Princess Rose West.

45
 GOOLE MAN TO WED FOREIGN BEAUTY and the Mona Lisa hadn’t bar- painting, before asking the gal-

W
HEN Stan Gullet walks down the aisle
next month, he can be sure his bride-
to-be will look as pretty as a picture.
That’s because the self-employed handyman
from Goole is marrying THE MONA LISA!
Stan, 45, fell for the painting, 498,
while on a coach trip to Paris earlier
this year. “I’d won the tickets in a
meat raffle at my local and couldn’t
sell them on, so I decided I might
as well go” explained Stan.
Once in The City Of Light, it
didn’t take Stan long to make
his way to The Louvre. “It was
Saturday afternoon and none
of the bars were showing the
football, so it was that or sit in
McDonalds,” he reminisced.
But once inside the world-fa-
mous gallery, Stan’s eyes met
those of the famously enigmatic
picture and their love story began.
EXCLUSIVE!
“I’ve always been a hit with the
ladies” he smiled. “So when our
eyes met across the crowded
gallery, I thought I’d go over and
have a crack at her.”
The part-time cowboy builder’s
patented chat-up lines broke the
ice and soon the world’s most
famous painted representation of
a woman was listening, entranced
to Stan’s tales of Goole pub fights
and clients he had swindled.
But despite their growing rap-
port, there was one thing Stan
gained for: the gallery’s staff.
“We’d fallen for each other so
quickly that I hardly heard the bell
go at chucking out time,” he said. “I
wanted nothing more than to stay,
but a guard came over and said
something in foreign, and I had to
leave with all the other visitors.”
Lovelorn Stan wasn’t going
to be beaten that easily. He re-
turned to the Louvre that night,
climbed in through an open
window and made his way to
the Mona Lisa’s gallery.
Keen to preserve his fiancée’s
modesty, Stan refused to go
into detail about what happened
during their moonlight tryst, but
he describes the 30” x 21” image
as “Filthy. Absolutely filthy.”
The following day Stan
popped the question to the
lery’s Director for his blessing.
When asked what married
life holds for the couple, Stan
was thoughtful. “I considered
moving to Paris, but I don’t like
foreign food, plus I’d miss my
local and the bookies,” he said.
“So she’ll be moving to Goole.”
Artful snogger: Silver
tongued Stan found true
love in Louvre.
And once in Goole, the uni-
versally-beloved configuration of wife Linda had a warning for
pigment and poplar wood will be the new Mrs Gullet-to-be.
swapping her spacious Parisian
“Stan’s very charming, but be-
gallery for Stan’s intimate pied- lieve you me, once he’s got what
a-terre in the heart of Yorkshire’s he wants he’ll drop you like a hot
largest council estate. brick. I just hope he doesn’t leave
“I don’t think she’ll find it you how he left me, with three
much different” said Stan. “Just kids and a dose of the clap.”
like Paris, Goole’s got shops and
The Mona Lisa was ap-
streets – we’ve even got a pave- proached for her reaction, and
ment café outside the Greggs.”
responded by smiling enigmat-
But despite Stan’s optimism ically whilst her eyes followed
for his new relationship, his ex- our reporter round the room.

Listen to it, the Viz 270 (November 2017) of the night. What music it makes! © Nosferatu Industries/Dr Van Helsing Publishing Ltd. All reserved. No part of this magazine may have a wooden stake driven through its heart by its grimacing ex-fiancé in any way without the written permission
of Fulchester Industries and/or Dennis Publishing. Viz is published 10 times a year by Dennis Publishing Ltd., 31-32 Alfred Place, London, WC1E 7DP. Find us at our website viz.co.uk or twitter.com/vizcomic and facebook.com/vizcomic on the internet. For the avoidance of doubt, anyone
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Simon Ecob, Alex Collier, Stevie White, Tom Paterson, Barney Farmer, Lee Healey, Davey Jones, Cat Sullivan, Paul Solomons, Paul Palmer, Kent Tayler, John O’ Conner, Marc Jones and Terry Corrigan. Colourificational input solutions: George Dury. Viz.co.uk webular fanglement: Jenny Thorp. Viz
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47
5th November… Hey, grandma. It’s Bonfire Nicht. Fufty poond a box! Fufty poond! Standing in mah dressing goon an’
Kin we hae some fireworks? slippers… peepin’ at th’ flames as An’ whin ye’v seen fufty Weel if ye Oh, aye? Whit wi’?...
An they’d bring a load o’ common folk traipsed million poonds gang won’t buy
No, we cannae. Hae ye back bad memories in an’ oot o’ ma castle tae rescue up in smoke ye don’t ony, a’ll buy ...ye’v spent a’ o` yer
Nae seen howfur much o’ mah wee castle mah treasure.... wantae set fire tae some masell. civil list oan designer
thay cost, Wullie?… at windsor burnin` anither fufty quid’s suits an’ hair restorer
doon... SNIFF! Sniff! worth o’ chinese paper. fur yer heid.

It wis awfy
...jist awfy.
So… I’ve made a smashing Guy oot o’ Shortly… Richt. Noo ah
I’ll dae penny …and I’ll git enough tae one o’ wee Georgie’s romper suits Penny fur th’ Och, I’m afeart not, yer ryle highness…
fur th’ guy, that’s buy th’ biggest box o’ stuffed wi’ leaves an’ wi’ a balloon juist hae tae wait guy, mister? Nae wi’ that Guy, there. It’s pure shite!…
whit I’ll dae… fireworks in th’shop. fur his heid… fur th’ dosh tae
stairt rollin’ in.

…It’s stoatin’!

...Ye’v made nae Shortly… It’s no guid. There’s Uncle Eddie practising
Look at that Guy, yer ryle ‘ere ladiee. Gang an’ buy his Shakespeare again… Alas, poor Yorick, I
effort at a’, ye highness.... they laddies hae yersel’ some bangers. I’ll juist hae knew him... erm… erm…
lazy bugger. put thair backs intae it. tae git masell
You’ll nae git a Crivvens! a better Guy. …That gives me an idea.
penny frae me. A poond!

Hey, uncle Eddie. Th’ Balmoral players ur A minute Remember, uncle Eddie, th’ less ye
Cuid ah hae a Whit is it, Wullie? I’m lookin’ fur actors tae be in Whit’s it It’s aboot a ...bit I’ll need I’ll hulp ye... later… shift aboot, th’ mair ye’ll look like
word wi’ ye? busy wi’ ma’ actin’. thair freish ground-breaking aboot? tramp in a coma. tae prepare Let’s git ye some
play... it’s called “Tramp in a masell fur tramp’s claes. you’re in a coma…
Aye, that’s whit ah’ want Coma.” Ah think that ye cuid th’ audition.
tae tak tae ye aboot. git th’ lead part. Ah cuid play …an’ th’ mair chance ye’ll git th’ pairt.
that, I’m guid at
method actin’… Stoatin!

Where frae?

Shortly… Och, that’s a braw Guy ye’v Soon... Och, look at a’ that dosh. Thare mist
och, Ah might win made thare, laddie. Ah have nae Aye, it’s a hackit yin. Look at the be fufty poond ‘ere… well, Ah think
ma’sel an oscar! seen such a guid yin in years… huge lugs an’ th’ glackit face. that’s enough rehearsin fur th’ day.
…Here’s Whit a chinless wonder
a poond. ...‘Ere ye gang, son.

48
 D’you think I’ll git th’ pairt, Wullie? ah ...I’m feart they’ve cancelled th’ Shortly… ‘Ere yer are, yir Ryle Highness. The
didnae shift, even whin that jimmy flicked play due tae poor ticket sales. Standard Regal Selection o’ fireworks.… I willnae, Mr
his fag oan tae me. Nae putting thaim up cats’ jacksies, mind! McGregor.
Eh!?! Oh, er, na
uncle Eddie… !?! …or corgis.

That night… Let’s git this ower wi’… Ah proclaim thae fireworks open… Ur th’ dugs a’ safe in the hoose, grandma? We’ll stairt slow
Aye! Jist get oan wi’ a wee rocket
...Noo hurry up, wullie, Ah’m wi’ it, will ye? tae git th’ show
chankin’ ma tits aff ‘ere! aff wi’ a bang!

FSSSSSSS!

Staun back a’ body.

TOSSPSSPSS!LE! help, ma boab!

FS
H !
O S SMASH!
FSSSSSSS!
W O TINKLE!

V
See you, Jimmy. Git yersel’ back in thare, ye lazy wee
bas! There’s a van Gogh an’ a Renoir need gettin’ oot!

An’ ye fetch ma croon

frae ma bedroom afore
th’ bloody roof comes in!

Heh! At least
yir no in yer
dressing goon
an’ slippers this
time, grandma.

49
Next issue of with FREE 2018 Rude Kid Calendar out 16th November
Is this the funniest book ever?

Appreciate the beneits

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Learn how to hire

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Understand the beneits of Captain Kingussie’s Penis Powder
Marvel at the powers of international psychic Nobby Boonalamb
Sample a day in the company of Clovis Pumly and Peter Sensipanties

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